Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all.
I used to love that story, one from the old land my mother said. That was before I discovered that the old land was another planet, and that in my case, the mirror always lied. Who is the fairest of them all? My face is fair at the moment. Pretty, but in a careless, unstudied way, as if she us unaware of her beauty, perhaps even uncomfortable with it.
"You look like her."
"Looking is unimportant." I tell him, my master. "I must act like her, move like her, talk like her. You've given me so little to work on. Just a few security tapes and some written descriptions. I am used to studying my subjects close at hand."
"You need only maintain the illusion for a few hours, maybe days."
"I may give myself away in the first few moments, with one little flaw. Her hair for example. Does she always wear it like this? Does she play with it? One little mistake will make them suspicious."
"Her hair is unimportant."
"Then her relationships. Those are all important, and I only have a few hours of tape to help me understand them."
"Not important."
He is wrong, but I dare not argue further. Her relationships with her team is... complicated. Or rather, her relationship with one of them is complicated. One is her brother, one her protective friend, but the other... her commanding officer, her friend, her antagonist, her... her what? I have watched the tapes for hours, studying them, watching his every glance, her every movement, trying to define the relationship. I have watched them so often that every word, every tiny movement is imprinted on my brain, yet I still do not understand the relationship between Captain Samantha Carter and Colonel Jack O'Neill.
"They're here."
I feel the customary knot in my stomach begin to form, as I peek through the curtain separating our room from the gate room. This is the first time I have seen her in the flesh. She moves like a soldier, gracefully, carefully, watchfully. He watches her, out of the corner of his eye. I hadn't realised he kept such a tight watch on her, he will be difficult to fool.
"How will you get her here? Daniel Jackson is more likely to wander off than she is, and O'Neill is watching her. We should have chosen Daniel."
"I want her knowledge, not his. They are used to Jackson wandering off, see, as he goes, the Jaffa follows him. In a moment, he will discover something, and call for Jack. He will go, you will call her."
He is right. He knows his prey well. Ten minutes later, she is staring at me, her mirror image, for one brief, horrified second, then she is unconscious on the floor at my feet, and I am stepping out to respond to the Colonel's call. The charade has begun.
*****
When we arrive on Earth, I plead a headache, and announce I am going to her... my... quarters to rest. It's not easy to escape though.
"Sam, are you okay?" Daniel asks, worry written right across his expressive face.
"Fine, just a headache." I reply, well aware that the Colonel is watching me, studying me. If anything is wrong, he will be first to know.
"Captain Carter was up late. We were studying the zatnickatel guns. Maybe this has caused her headache."
I was? "Probably." How odd. I didn't realise she would work so close with the Jaffa... or maybe that is just my own prejudice. I turn to follow Jackson and the Jaffa (Daniel and Teal'c, I must call them by their first names), but I stopped by a light pressure on my arm. It is Colonel O'Neill.
"Carter..."
"Teal'c's right... I was up too late." I say hurriedly.
"Sam... you're sure its not... Jolinar?"
His deep brown eyes fill with concern for me. I've never known that, not since my mother was murdered. For one second, I'm lost in those eyes, drowning in them. Then his words shock me back. Jolinar? Who is Jolinar?
"I'm sure."
He lets me go, reluctantly, and I miss the warm pressure of his hand on me.
"Still, get it checked out by Janet." he says.
Ah, Janet. I saw her on tapes of Nirti's planet. Sam's best friend, and a doctor. I shall be avoiding her.
"I will, if it hasn't cleared up by tomorrow morning." I say.
He nods, I must have said the right thing, and holds the door open for me as I leave.
*****
To my relief, she kept diaries. This will make it easier to understand her, to carry on being her for a few more hours, until I know what she knows, and can go back.
The first one began, "Daniel died. Then he wasn't dead. It's a long story, that we all shared over sushi. Anyway, when we were clearing Daniel's apartment, we found his mission journals, and I realised that I should write something similar. I mean, so much has happened, and is going to happen, that I won't be able to keep track of it all. So I'm going to write down everything I've done so far, and write down everything that happens. Then, if I die, at least I've left my work behind me. Now, about Daniel..."
There were pages and pages of writings, but they were fascinating. I hadn't realised how intelligent, how perceptive, and how funny she was. I found myself howling with laughter at her descriptions of being forced to dress like a woman; "I felt I had several pounds of jewellery hanging off me, and that was just the underwear. And the guys... the minute they saw me, their mouths opened so wide I thought their tongues would fall out. I acted annoyed, but I was a little flattered. Well, at least I have a Halloween costume now."
The invasion of Hathor, "Apparently one of Hathor's symbols is a cow. Well, I'd certainly agree with that one. A cow. With very little clothing on."
She was startlingly intelligent and sharp, and totally brave. I cried as I read her almost unemotional account of Cassandra, and staying with her. The emotions only crept through when she wrote of Cassie. But I found myself wishing she'd written of what Jack had said when he saw her again.
I found myself eagerly scanning the pages for mentions of his name, and when I found the all-too-brief passages about him, I read them over and over again, trying to extract everything I could, trying to understand what I... she... felt for him. Although she wrote affectionately and fondly of Daniel and Teal'c, her statements regarding Jack were... professional, almost cold, as if she didn't like to write about him. Several times, I came across a paragraph that she had written, then scribbled over as if she regretted writing it, and didn't want anyone else to read it. But if I held the pages up to the light, I could just read the words. They were all about Jack.
For example, "I'd failed him. I'd promised to get him out, and I failed him. All I could think of now was dying beside him. I practically fell down to his side, and cuddled up beside him, trying to give him some of my warmth. Then he called for his wife. I've never heard him mention her before, not to me. So I pretended to be her, to ease his last moments. Then I closed my eyes, and got ready to die beside him, and there is no where else I would rather die, no one else I want beside me on my death bed. He said his only regret was dying. My only regret was that I caused his death. But we were rescued. (Thank you Daniel!) I wanted to ask him if he knew it was me beside him, not Sara, at the end, but I daren't. I do know that we are closer now, as if sharing death has bonded us."
This was all scratched out, and replaced with a terse comment about it being an ice-planet, and being rescued.
And again, "Kynthia! Well, she's young. And attractive. And very nearly naked. And he was drugged. But still, when I saw him wearing nothing much more than a blanket, and her not even wearing that, I saw red. Almost lost my professionalism for a moment... if he hadn't passed out and reached for me as he did so. Everytime he passed out, he reached for me. He leaned on me when he could no longer walk. And I can't help but wonder... Damn, but he looked good in just a blanket. I really must stop this. He is my commanding officer, and I am his second-in-command, and that's all he sees me as. Maybe a friend, certainly someone who shares his humour, someone I hope he trusts, but just a fellow soldier."
But I'd seen the way he looked when he was worried about her. I knew he cared for her. I knew, perhaps, he loved her. I'd never known that kind of love. Not the kind of love Jack felt for Sam. But I would now. I was her, he would love me, and I... I wasn't going to give that up.
*****
Sam was awakened more by the pain in her arm then the cold in the room. One arm was chained to the wall, fairly securely. The other was lying in a damp patch, freezing. She moved it, and stretched experimentally. She was sore, and there were bruised patches, and she had one hell of a headache, and her right arm felt like it was being pulled out of its socket by the chain, but apart from that everything was 'just peachy thank you'.
She looked around. She was in a damp, dark cell (no surprise there then), and she was alone. The chain was strong and tight, and she didn't see any way of getting out of it. She'd have to wait for someone to release her before she could attempt an escape.
She closed her eyes, and thought back to the last thing she'd seen before the crashing blow on the back of her head. It had been herself, she thought, but it was still a little hazy. Maybe she had only been looking in a mirror. One with an image that moved independently of her. An image that wasn't quite right...
Someone was coming. She closed her eyes, and pretended to be asleep.
"Don't bother." he said, as he entered. "I know you're awake."
She opened her eyes to see the back of a man sitting at a table opposite her. He seemed to writing, or sketching something.
"Where am I?" she asked.
"Well, you're not in Kansas anymore." he replied sarcastically.
"You're from Earth?"
"No."
"Where are my friends?"
"They left without you."
A cold chill ran through Sam. That wasn't possible, surely. Colonel O'Neill never left without checking everyone was with him, especially after they had managed to lose Daniel twice. And even if she was inadvertently left behind, he'd come back for her. She knew he would.
"I don't believe you. They would never..."
"Look." said the man, turning round to face her. "Believe me. They've gone. Now shut up."
"You're lying."
With amazing speed he crouched down and slammed her head against the wall. She felt a new cut form, the warm blood trickling down her neck. He looked with at her from barely an inch away, his eyes cold and cruel.
"I'm only keeping her alive because she needs you that way. She can only maintain your shape while you live. But that doesn't stop me hurting you. A lot. Do you understand?"
Sam nodded.
"Good. Now be quiet." and he went back to his desk.
Sam tried to make sense of what she had just heard. It sounded as if some sort of clone of her had gone back with them. It would explain why they had left her. But surely they couldn't be fooled by a clone for long? Admittedly, Daniel was so wrapped up in thousand-year-old history he barely noticed what was going on on front of him, and Teal'c still did not know her well enough to know when she was acting strangely. But the Colonel... the Colonel knew. He knew about Jolinar. And ever since then he had watched her closely, keeping an eye on her. He would know if she was wrong, different. Hopefully.
And Sam had one more problem. She wasn't sure how she knew, but perhaps it was a legacy of Jolinar. Still, she knew. The man in front of her was a Gou'ald.
*****
Jack sat down at the briefing table. He'd got there early for once because he'd wanted to have a word with Janet on the way to the meeting. He waited for the others. Daniel rushed in first, hair on end and clothes all buttoned askew.
"Aren't I late?" he asked, puzzled. Jack shook his head as Teal'c walked in, calm and collected.
"Guys... have you noticed anything odd about Sam?" Jack asked, in a whisper.
"Odd how?" Daniel asked.
"She is late. Captain Carter is never late. In fact, she is usually early for briefings." Teal'c added.
"And she hasn't been for her medical. She's been careful about that ever since that whole Jolinar mess. And she hasn't seen Janet since she got back. Those two always have a coffee and gossip after every mission. She calls it a scientific evaluation."
"How do you know that?" Daniel asked, puzzled.
"Perhaps some trace of Jolinar remains, and is changing her behaviour." Teal'c said, as Sam entered.
Jack watched her come in and sit down. She sat opposite Jack, instead of taking her usual seat next to him, and she appeared not to realise they'd be talking about her as she entered, even though she must have Teal'c mention Jolinar.
Daniel stared at her, but she seemed not to notice. She just glanced down at her notepad (notepad? Sam never used one, she had a phenomenal memory), and occasionally glanced up at Jack. Sam had never looked at Jack like that before. She never normally looked away when he met her eyes. She never normally blushed when he looked at her. And as she picked up her pen, and began to write, the pieces fell into place for Jack. What Janet had said. Why she avoided her medical. The tiny differences, the odd behaviour that only someone as close to Carter as Jack was would notice.
"Sam?" he asked pleasantly.
"Jack?" she replied, and that was the final clue. Sam had called him Jack only twice before, and never casually like that.
"Why are you suddenly left-handed?"
Her eyes opened wide in shock, and the pen fell from her fingers. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.
Jack's face hardened as his tone was harsh as he said, "I know you're not our Sam. Now tell me where the hell she is and how I get her back right now."
*****
Jack and I sit in a dark room, with no windows, facing each other across the table. Between us, on the table, lies a weapon that the team call a zat gun. He is angry. "Where is she?" he asks.
I am surprised. They left for the planet I joined them on five hours ago. She should have been there. "I don't know. Did you find no trace of her?"
His face darkens. "Oh we found a trace of her alright. We found her blood. All over the floor."
I wince, not so much at the thought of her pain, but at the naked anger on his face. "I'm sorry. She was only meant to be stunned, not hit."
He leans on the table, towering over me. "I don't care if you only meant to ask her nicely if she pass out please, you hurt her. Where is she?"
"I do not know. If he is not there, then I am abandoned."
"He?"
"My master. My teacher. I told him I would fail. I did not have enough time to become her. How did you discover me so easily?"
He sits down heavily, looking at me. "You look like her." he says. "But you aren't her. Everything you do feels wrong, from the way you smile to the way you walk. Everything jars."
"Explain, please. I will try to help, but explain."
He frowns. He doesn't want to talk about it... her, but if it helps her in any way. "I just know her well, after all this time. We've worked closely together. I'm used to her. I know how she moves, how her face looks when she's thinking, how she smiles, how she talks. I know every expression, every habit, every little trait she has. You couldn't fool me. What made you think you could?"
"I didn't." I reply honestly. "I told him you would be difficult to fool. And there was the left-handed part. That's the difficulty with being a mirror image. Everything is round the wrong way."
"What?" he says, confused. His patience is wearing thin, but I know he will keep his temper if it means finding any clue to where she's gone. I got that from her diaries.
She had, unconsciously, in the little she had written of him, described a man who would stop at nothing for her. She had written of the way he cared for her, while being totally unaware of it. I knew from what she wrote, although I doubted she did, that he would be thrown into a blind panic by her disappearance. I knew that the few times she had slipped out of his sight, and disappeared, he would have moved heaven and earth to find her. Even she had noticed what a close watch he kept on her now, rarely letting her out of his sight. And I held the upper hand. While I had the slightest clue as to where she was gone, I could hold him here, with me.
"We're called the mirror people." I explain. "At least, that is our nickname. We... we have no natural form. We mimic the forms of those around us, but in a mirror image. Do you understand?"
He nods, frowning. "We were enslaved by the Gou'ald, and trained to be decoys. We would mimic the Gou'ald ruler, and become a target for the assassins and resistance. Many of us have been killed this way. My mother was murdered by the Tok'ra when I was six. She was mirroring Apophis. The mirror problem could be worked around. Part the hair on a different side, remember to use the other hand. Usually, I would have months, even years to work on a subject. I had only a few hours of tapes to copy Samantha, which is why I got it so badly wrong."
"And this teacher, he has Sam? Why?"
"My teacher chooses who I must copy, teaches me how to do so. He informed me I was to copy Samantha a few months ago, but he did not tell me why. He thought it unimportant. We were to meet again once I had seen enough of the base, and Samantha's room, to be able to describe it accurately. I do not know why. And now I never will. If he is not there, he has abandoned me."
"Why?"
"Perhaps he knew I would fail. Perhaps all he wanted was enough time to get her away."
He stands up, rubbing his hand over his face, and moving to the wall. I glance down at the gun, but do not use it. It would be a betrayal. I watch him. He would never abandon someone. I wish... I wish I could make him look at me the way he did when he thought I was Sam.
"I wish I could help." I whisper, but he can hear me. "I wish... I wish even more that I could have fooled you longer. Made you care for me."
He freezes, but his back is still to me. I have never told someone I loved them before, and I am afraid, and I know I am doing it wrong, but its the best I can do.
"I know you care for her. I have her face. After a while, I could be more like her. She is most likely dead, but I could be her. In a year, you would not know the difference."
"I would know." he says harshly, still not looking at me.
I stand up, and move over to him, but I dare not touch him. "I read her diaries. I know you care for her. But I also know that she does not care the same way for you."
This is a lie. She may not have written what she felt, but it is obvious in every word, in every look I saw her give him, that she cares. But she will never say so, and I will, and I am here now.
But he does not know its a lie. His back stiffens, and he stands tall, staring at the wall, blankly.
"I am sick of living other lives. This one is a good one. And it has you. I could give you what she could not. I could give you love. I look like her, I could act like her, and I can give you what you want from her." I touch his back, gently, and I can feel the bunched muscles underneath my hand. "I love you. You could learn to love me. I'm her really. Let me stay."
He turns around slowly, and puts his hands on my arms. I smile gently at the intense look in his eyes. I think I've won. He squeezes my arm, harder and harder and harder, until the pain is almost unbearable, then he swings me round and slams me against the wall.
"All I want from you," he growls, "is Captain Carter's location. And is she's dead, I swear..."
"She's alive!" I cry. I've miscalculated. I was wrong. I cannot be her, and I cannot make him love me. "I cannot hold her form if she dies. So somewhere, she is alive. I promise you."
He drops me, and the relief in his face is palpable.
I have never been loved since the death of my mother. I have never known a lover's touch, a tender kiss, a loving glance. I have only known cruelty and pain. But I love now, and I realise it's not what I thought it was. Love is cruelty and pain too, because I have to give her back to him, and walk away.
"I may know where she is." I say. "I saw something I wasn't supposed to. It's what you call a gate address."
He reaches out my hand, and pulls me up, and we leave the cell.
*****
Teal'c and I are sitting in the gateroom, waiting for Jack to finish interogating mirror sam. That's what Teal'c calls her. He's heard of mirror people, and he says that mirror sam can't survive unless real sam is alive. God I hope so.
"We've got an address!" Jack calls, coming in, dragging mirror sam with him. She's been crying, and she looks upset and bedraggled. It's so odd seeing her like this. Sam's face, covered in tears, Sam's eyes, desperate and sad. She looks up at me for a second, and its like Sam is staring at me, longing for comfort. But Sam's never done that. She never would. But all the same, her face breaks my heart.
"Are you okay?" I ask her gently.
She nods, but Jack calls, "Leave it Danny, she's not Sam."
"She's still human." I insist.
"Probaly not." He's furious. Not shouting and storming, like he normally is, but cold, tense.
I don't like this. It's Jack at his most dangerous. Whatever she said in there, its shaken him, and hurt him, and he's taking it out on her. "Jack," I whispered, "I know you're angry, but there's no need to take it out on her..."
"There's every need!" he snapped back. "Because of her, I've lost a memeber of my team. Because of her, Sam's out there, God knows where, and she thinks we've left her. Abandoned her."
"Because of her, we're finding Sam!" I said.
Jack sighed, calmed down a little. "I know. But I should have known Danny. I should have known."
"So should I."
"No... when she lay dying, after Jolinar had gone... I promised her I wouldn't go. I'd never leave her. She wasn't awake, she didn't know, but I promised. And now its just two weeks later, and I left her."
I'd never seen Jack like this, so unsure. I didn't know what to say, or do. I was saved by the wormhole opening.
"You are sure this is the correct address?" Teal'c asked.
The pseudo-Sam nodded mutely.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I recognise the address. It is Hathor's planet."
"Oh good." Jack snapped. "I had a little matter I wanted to discuss with her."
*****
We stepped through the gate and emerged into... the gateroom.
"What?" Jack said, looking round.
"I... don't know." Daniel said. "I think it's a copy."
"Well, yes." Jack replied. "Why is Miss Serpent Breath 98 building a copy of our gate room?"
Silence all round.
"Any ideas?" he said to me. "And what's the matter with your wrist?"
I looked at it. A bruise was darkening around it.
"Sam must be bruised." I said. "If she is injured, I will be too. An exact copy, you see..." my voice trailed off as an idea suddenly made its way into my mind. It was daring... difficult, brilliant. It was one Sam would have been proud of. I looked up at Jack, who was staring in horror at the bruise appearing on my other wrist. "I have an idea." I said. "You have to trust me completely though. Stay here, do exactly as I ask. No matter what happens, what you hear, stay here and do not move. You'll know when it's time to go."
"Trust you!" Jack said. "Now wait a minute."
"Please." I whispered. "What I said in the cell, its all the reason you need to trust me. It was true. I regret ever doing this to you, and I want to put it right."
He stared down at me, those intense eyes warming my soul. "You have rotten taste in men." he murmured, then louder, "Ok, we'll stay. Right here."
I smiled, then looked round at Sam's friends. It had been a mistake trying to replace her. They weren't four separate beings. They were one entity. They were incomplete without her. I took one last look at Jack, and left.
*****
I found myself in a half-built corridor, with workmen all around. Some of the corridor was gold. Some was a direct copy of the SGC. This was worrying.
A guard stopped me. "I'm the copy." I told him. "I wish to see her. The deception's almost complete, I just need to see her once again."
A feeble excuse, but I said it in perfect Gou'ald. And Hathor's guards were never that bright at the best of times. They were chosen for good looks, not brains. He led me to Sam's cell. He even gave me the keys. I got the feeling he didn't really care, he just wanted out of the place.
"Leave us!" I commanded, in the tone of voice I'd copied from Amounet, when I had been her double. He went, and I went in.
She was standing up, pulling at the chains that bound her to the wall. This was what had caused the bruises round my wrist. She had been trying to pull the chain out of the wall. She had almost succeeded too.
"You!" she said, the second she saw me. "I wasn't imagining things. You're my double!"
"Mirror image." I said, watching the woman whose life I had tried to steal yanking the heavy chains out of the wall that had held them for hundreds of years. How could I have hoped to copy her? She was alive, vital. If I'd been in a cell, chained to the wall, in a Gou'ald strong hold, I'd have never thought of escape. But she had, and she'd started to carry out her plan, and it might have worked. I could copy her face, but I could never have copied her spirit, her mind.
"Why are you here?" she asked. "Are you alone?"
"Sg1 are here. They weren't fooled. You're too difficult to copy."
She grinned. "Guess I'm unique then."
"Guess you are." I said quietly, as I reached over to unlock the chains. "It was Jack who discovered me. He seems to know you rather well."
"Colonel O'Neill?" she said, incredulously.
I nodded. "He knew almost straight away." I explained. "You... you do know why, don't you?"
She shook her head, her face confused. "We're friends." she said. "And I guess we're close, but..."
"More than close." I added. "For him anyway. I tried... I tried... it doesn't matter what I tried. I couldn't replace you."
Her face closed up, and she turned away. "I don't want to talk about it. How are we getting out?"
"You are just walking out."
"What about you?"
"I'd think they'd notice two Sam Carters walking down the corridor, don't you?"
"But... you do know what they were about to do, don't you?"
I nodded. The guard had told me I was lucky. She was due for execution in a few moments. Now it was I who would die. And that was the way it should be. It was the only way I could give Sam back to Jack.
"You can't stay." she said, reaching out for me.
"I must. Sam, don't try to save my life. I've never had a life worth saving. Every day I've lived, I've been someone else, lived someone else's life, taken on their dangers. I haven't known joy, or togetherness, just deceit, and cruelty. Then I had your life, for just a brief while. And for the first time, I had friends. I had laughter. And I felt love. For one brief second while I was you, someone loved me. You have a life worth living. I do not. All I ask... is that you love him."
"Tale of two cities." she said, obscurely, her voice cracking. "It's a book." she explained. "The hero does what you are about to do. At the end, he says, 'it is a far better thing I do now, then I have ever done. It is a far better place I go to now, then I have been.' I always thought it romantic. I never realised how difficult it is for the one left behind."
I pulled her to me, hugging her, then pulled back. "Go now." I said urgently. "It's a copy of the SGC out there. Don't worry about that, the guard said the plan, whatever it was, has been abandoned as unfeasible. Just go to the gate room. Go now!"
"Goodbye."
She left quickly, and I sat down. I could hear the heavy tread of the execution squad approaching my cell. 'It is a far far better thing I do now, then I have ever done.'
I remember Jack's face when he realised she was gone, and imagine his relief when she returns, and I realise how true those words are. As the squad comes closer, I close my eyes. If I concentrate, I can tune in to her emotions. As the key turns in the lock, I feel her confusion as she finds her way. As the door opens, I feel her joy as she finds her friends. As the guards raise their weapons, I feel the pressure of Jack's fingers on my arm as he grabs her. And as they fire, I feel his arms around her.
The End.
Story Notes: SPOILERS; FIRE AND WATER
SEASON; TAKES PLACE AFTER IN THE LINE OF DUTY
DEDICATION; Wolfangel, who bullied me into finishing it.
SEASON; TAKES PLACE AFTER IN THE LINE OF DUTY
DEDICATION; Wolfangel, who bullied me into finishing it.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]