Jack
Some people might ask what I'm doing, sitting in the locker room and just staring into space. Well I'm praying for a heart attack, or a stroke, even an aneurysm would do just fine. Why am I praying for death? Some people might ask. Well maybe it's because I came back from this mission alive. Okay, so I've lost most people at this point.
I thought we were going to die: we were under attack, the natives were firing on us heavily. Myself and my second in command that is. The rest of the team had been able to escape. I knew we were going to die, I knew it with absolute certainty. So I… Well I kissed her. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't the only one doing the kissing. I got just as good as I gave.
I'll try and describe it to you.
The scene is set, a guy and a girl are trapped behind cover by heavy fire. It's only a matter of time before the attackers actually hit them.
"Hey Colonel?"
"Yeah Captain?"
"We're going to die, aren't we?" The guy pauses.
"Well if I'm going to go, I'm not going to go before doing this." The guy reaches out and crushes the girl to him, kissing her with as much passion as he can fit into the few moments they have left. And the girl kisses him back. "You know I could die happy like this," the guy says when they break apart. "Here in the arms of the woman I..." And wham, their two friends and another team burst over the hill, guns blazing, forcing the enemy into retreat and saving their lives.
Well all I can say is 'oops'. Maybe should have thought of the possibility of rescue BEFORE I kissed her. I could bang my head against the wall right now, and maybe if I did it enough times… I place my head in my hands and stare at the ground. Well at least I can say it was worth it.
Suddenly a pair of feet appear in front of mine and I'm forced to look up.
Uh oh, my 2IC, Captain Samantha Carter stands in front of me and she looks like trouble. I can't read her face and I'm having trouble just stopping my hand from twitching because I want to touch her so much.
"Jack," she says and my heart does that queer leaping thing it always does when she says my first name. Luckily she says 'sir' most of the time. "We need to talk." She continues, "But not here."
"My house?" I ask and she shakes her head, she's avoiding my eyes.
"Somewhere neutral." She says "There's a diner on the edge of town called Betty's. No personnel go there." She pauses, still refusing to look at me. "7:30?" she makes the last bit a question.
"I'll be there." I say and with a nod she whirls on her heel and walks out. What have I done?
*****
Sam
I arrive at the diner a little before 7:30. I just sit in the car, I can't go in and face him, I just can't. So instead I sit in the car and listen to the end of the song on the radio.
Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my emotions.
Ironic, huh? I can't even escape in my car. I never should have confronted him, never should have said anything at all. We could have just continued like nothing had happened. Yeah right, both of us are just going to ignore the fact that he kissed me and I kissed him back. Forgetting that is just about as likely as Ammounet saying
"Well this has been fun but I'm really a good goa'uld and I've been feeling guilty about all of this so Sha're can have her body back now."
I pick up my bag, getting out of the car and locking it and I walk through the door of the diner. It's not like in the movies where you come in and everyone stops talking and goes real quiet. In fact everyone pretty much just ignores me and goes about their business.
I see him in one of the booths at the back, well away from where anyone could see us. Seeing Jack I nearly walk out again, but he looks up and smiles hesitantly at me almost as if he sensed my presence. Come on Sam, you're a captain in the US Air Force, you can handle this. I sit down in the seat opposite him and he looks down at his hands before meeting my eyes. That man has the most beautiful eyes, all chocolate brown and velvety. It's really not a good idea that I look at them right now or I might lose the resolve to do what I came here to do, to break whatever the hell this is off.
"Hi." He says, one simple word and my resolve falls further apart.
"Hi." I say back. Sam and Jack, those are our names, don't wear them out. We sure as hell don't. If we're not doing the 'hi' thing then we're Carter and O'Neill, or Major and Colonel. It keeps the walls in place, stops them from crumbling down.
The waitress comes and asks what we want. We both order coffee. We're not here to eat, I'm fooling myself thinking we're going to be doing anything other than what fate decrees tonight. We're here to cross lines, we're here to break down walls, we're here to finish what we started.
*****
Jack
I arrived early, only by about ten minutes though. I chose a booth in the back, well away from where anyone could see us. It's in a corner in the shadows, sort of suits us. There's no candlelight or bouquet of flowers. That's not who we are, we'll never be that type of people.
I knew the instant she walked in, I'm so tuned into her now that I can tell whenever she's near me. I smiled a half smile, not quite sure what kind of reaction I'd get. She walks over, she's wearing a dark jumper and pants. My breath still catches at her beauty.
She sits down and I can't think of anything to say so I just say hi. She repeats it back to me. We order coffee from the waitress, Sam looks uncomfortable and unsure of herself. It's the first time I've seen her like this.
"We shouldn't be here." She finally says.
"No we shouldn't." I agree with her but neither of us makes a move to leave. "About the mission..." I start to say but out waitress arrives with the coffee. Sam takes a sip of hers and puts it down.
"I know," she says "We were about to die, it was just the adrenalin and the situation."
If I nod we could end it all right here, maybe one day we could even joke about it. But I don't nod. I won't lie to her, I won't lie to myself. We could have got up, left and tried to forget. I look down at my coffee, twisting the pack of sugar in my hands.
"What if it wasn't?" I ask her.
*****
Sam
"Then we have a problem." I reply, trying to stay calm, which is about at this moment as possible as me being able to fly. "Jack," I say the name cautiously, almost testing it as it rolls off my tongue. He looks up as if the use of just one symbol makes a world of difference, maybe it does. It's one more line we've crossed. I've just defined this night with one word. "What happened wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been about to die, we both know that." I take a deep breath. "Now what we have to figure out is if it was just because of that or if it was something else." He looks at me searchingly.
"I know what I did was wrong." He says "But it didn't feel wrong." He's looking very unsure of himself. This is the first time I've seen him vulnerable and not in control. It's his turn to avoid eye contact now and he's doing a real good job of it.
"Well if I recall," I say with a half smile. "You weren't the only one taking part." He looks up at me and grins, it's irrepressible and I grin back at him. This is possibly the most serious decision we'll ever have to make and we're grinning like idiots.
"I have to admit, you're a good kisser." He's still grinning. I shrug.
"Not so bad yourself." Then the mood grows serious again. "But we can't ever possibly do this."
"No, we can't." he replies but still we don't move. It's like we're deer, mesmerised by the headlights. The car is gonna crash into us soon, but we really don't care.
"Sam," Jack's face turns even more serious than before if that's possible.
"When I kissed you it felt, well it felt good." The sugar packet in his hand is so twisted it's unrecognisable. "I've never felt that good before. It felt right."
Why did he have to be everything I hoped he would be?
*****
Jack
I'm staring down at the table when a hand reaches across and takes the mutilated sugar packet out of my hand. Her left hand takes my right one, her fingers only lightly curled around mine. It's the slightest bit of pressure but to me it's one of the most wonderful things I've ever felt. Her other hand reaches up to graze my face.
"I know." Sam says simply. I tighten my fingers around hers and the walls tumble down a little bit more. We sit like that for awhile, not moving, not speaking, just maintaining eye contact. Neither of us blink, and we savour this moment, we treasure it. Then Sam speaks. "You don't know much about me. I mean you know the big stuff like, I wanted to be an astronaut when I was young, my father is a goa'uld." her lips quirk. "I was once engaged to a psychopath." My lips seem to be following the same trend as hers. "But you don't know the little stuff, like my favourite colour, flower and food. You don't know who my first crush was and what my pet's names were."
I think about this for a second before replying. I reach out my spare hand to cup the side of her face and she leans into it, closing her eyes.
"I'd like to learn." I say.
*****
Sam
He takes the hand he's holding and raises it to his lips. He plants a kiss on my knuckles lingeringly and finally releases my hand, sitting back. He's leaving the whole decision up to me, it's all my choice. On one hand I want to damn him for making me choose and on the other, thank him.
I stand up from the table, I'm doing the right thing so why are my knees shaking? He looks up with the question plainly written on his face. I settle it with no words.
Taking his hands I pull him up so that he nearly collides with me, our bodies so close that I can feel the heat between them. Lifting a hand he smoothes my hair back from my face while twisting it around one finger.
"Where are we going?" he asks, so close that I can see every detail of his face. His desire is plainly written across it, I suppose mine is too.
"I don't know." I answer. "But I say we just let the road take us where it will." He smiles and it lights up his eyes.
We walk out the door, my hand tightly wrapped in his, almost possessively some might say. And just as before, no one notices.
*****
Hier wir haben die ende.
"For You" - Tracy Chapman
There's no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling I have for you
Deep in my heart
Safe from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart
Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my emotions.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: Up to "Tok'ra"
The story skips from Sam's viewpoint to Jack's alot. I hope it's not too confusing. I'm not too sure about the title, it might be changed. Thankyou to my beta reader Vanessa for all her help.
The story skips from Sam's viewpoint to Jack's alot. I hope it's not too confusing. I'm not too sure about the title, it might be changed. Thankyou to my beta reader Vanessa for all her help.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]