Figure of divine perfection
No one's loved with more affection
Soul to soul we've breathed
Oh, I won't let The Fates succeed
She's touched all of our lives. Brought sunshine to the darkest corners of my soul. When we met, I was just a guilt-ridden shell of the man I used to be, sarcastic and cynical. I lived in the past, wallowed in it, my self-inflicted punishment for stupidity. For a thoughtless mistake that I couldn't forgive, sometimes forget, but never forgive. She crept into my heart without my ever realizing it. Every day she burrowed deeper and deeper passed walls and barricades. Maybe it was her smile that drew me in, it was infectious. Maybe it was the way her eyes danced and sparkled full of life. Maybe it was the way she laughed, genuinely laughed, at my bad attempts at humor. Or maybe it was the way she would take the time to explain a scientific concept that was exceeding simple to her, and not make me feel like an idiot for not understanding even the simplest explanation. Or it could have been the way she cared, genuinely cared about people, the way she risked her life and career to do what was right, what was just and damn the consequences. But whatever the reason, it happened so gradually that I never guessed at the depth of my feelings, until now.
Worried hours of contemplation
Whispered bits of conversation
Unaffected orderlies
Disinfected rooms and hallways
I hate hospitals and the infirmary is just the bases' version of a hospital. Maybe it's the smell; maybe it's the hopelessness that seems so much a part of them, the desperation that hides just beneath the surface. I'm a horrible patient, bad tempered and insufferable. I know this for a fact, because I've been told so on numerous occasions. But in all honesty I can say I'd rather be the patient now. Anything would be better than this waiting. I saw the look on the Doc's face when we brought her threw the gate. Professionalism lost in the split second her eyes locked on her patient. Don't get me wrong, I know the Doc, I know she'll do everything in her power. But I've seen that look before, and the ending wasn't happy. It was the same look as when I took my son to hospital after he accidentally shot himself with my service weapon. God, I hate hospitals. Hours spent prowling the halls and sitting with my fellow teammates. Pondering all the possibilities, reliving the scene over and over in my mind. Trying to figure what I could have, should have done differently.
And if you sleep, you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should I hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep, too
I've had my share of heartaches, enough emotional bumps and bruises to last a lifetime. After Charlie died, I didn't think anything could ever hurt that badly again. I never thought I'd ever let anyone in, never get that close again. I sit here thinking of Sam. Of all the things she had yet to do, of all the things unresolved between us, of all the possibilities. You'd think that I'd have learned. That I'd have known better. People are in our lives for such a short time and we have no say as to when they leave. Some things we can't control. Some things we can't will. Some times there's not an or. Some things should never be left unsaid. I feel my heart hardening, turning to stone, breaking into little pieces; I feel the walls that she had helped break down rise higher than ever. I see no light at the end of the tunnel; she was my light, my hope, my salvation.
Jagged thorns and pretty petals
Butterflies and stinging nettles
Sunny days and nights of blackness
But where's the joy to cure my sadness?
The sun is shining I can feel its warmth on my face and on my hair. But it doesn't reach my heart; it doesn't reach my soul. How can the day be so perfect? Blue sky, white fluffy clouds, flowers blooming and birds singing. A perfect spring day. One that should be host to a wedding, a picnic, not this somber gathering. The skies should be overcast and the heavens raining tears of sorrow. It should be bleak and gray like all of my tomorrows.
Gleaming cars and covered faces
Teary eyes in hallowed places
Grass and granite stone
No one's been more all alone
I've buried friends and I've buried family. I've gone to more than my share of funerals; it's an occupational hazard. And as I stand here at her graveside, surrounded by those who knew her, those that loved her, those who lost her, I feel lost, befret, cut off. In this crowd of people I'm alone. Some people believe that there is solace in shared grief. I find no solace, not in my friends and not in her family. All I see are tear stained faces and hollow hearts. Grief, shock, sorrow, devastation and anger run through me but most of all I feel regret. What ever happened too happily ever after? Everything that I wished for, longed for, hoped for is now covered in grass and stone.
--
The End.
If You Sleep by Lola
Story Notes: Just a depressing idea that popped into my after reading angst and listening to the song 'If You Sleep'.
SPOILERS: minor movie reference
to anr, for depressing me enough to write something (and I mean that in the best and nicest possible way G).
SPOILERS: minor movie reference
to anr, for depressing me enough to write something (and I mean that in the best and nicest possible way G).
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]