Daniel stopped by to see me today. "I know it's hard Jack but you have to start living again." He said, I just stared at him. "It's like you've died inside Jack, because all you do these days is function. You're dead but still breathing and we all miss what you were like when you were fully alive." I couldn't deny it, it was true in every possible way. "When Sha're was taken I grieved but I had to get on with my life. Please Jack, get on with yours." I told him I'd think about it and invited him in for a drink.
I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to say 'At least you had hope' but I didn't. Because Daniel is my friend and he deserves better. Because I have to learn to cope with the fact that I have no hope, nothing to cling onto except memories and a few pictures.
Dead but still breathing, that's me alright.
Well Sam is dead and not breathing and she's not coming back. Do you know how it feels to grieve so totally that it eats you up inside and you can't process anything except your grief and your pain. I do. She's been gone four months now. I took the first two weeks off, I cried, I screamed, I threw things at the walls and a couple of times I picked up my gun. Only two things kept me from pulling the trigger. The first thing was my friends. Daniel, Teal'c and Doc Frasier kept popping round at odd hours to visit me. I think they actually had a timetable set up about who had to visit me and when.
The second thing that keeps me alive is revenge. I'll get that snake bastard if it's the last thing I do. I know that Apothis is just some scared kid who wants his body back. We could just kill the goa'uld but I'd like to blast that body to bits. Yeah that's right, we can now kill the goa'uld without damaging the host. It's one of the last things Sam accomplished before she died. It was the thing that got Sha're back to Daniel. We're still looking for Skaraa. I have no idea how the device works but it's a bloody beauty.
It was on the retrieval mission for Sha're that Sam died. We went in, debugged her and we did our best to get out. I was point and Sam was guarding our backs, we'd dialed up when Apothis and his minions appeared. "You have killed my mate." He said "So I shall take yours." I really don't know how Apothis knew that. And the Serpent guards rushed us. I did my best, really I did but there were too many of them and not enough of us. I heard Sam scream my name and looked up to see Apothis plunge a giant knife into her chest. And all I could do was scream. Our eyes locked, communicating things we'd never said, things that were unspoken as we gazed at stars together and curled around in each other as we lay in bed.
Then her eyes closed and she slumped in Apothis's arms. She died in his arms. Teal'c pulled me through the gate then, I went positively mad once we were on the other side, positively psycho. If they hadn't sedated me I would have torn the place apart with my bare hands. I think they all realised there had been something going on between me and Sam then. They would have had to be bloody dense not to.
I guess I'm lucky they didn't courtmartial me, Hammond didn't even ask me about, but I could see in his eyes that he knew. Instead he treated me like a grieving spouse, ordered me on downtime and gave me all her possessions. I have them in a box in my closet. Occasionally I'll take them out and hold them, they still smell like her. All soap, sweat, earth and sunshine. Sam didn't wear perfume.
Daniel sits at my kitchen table and I hand him a coffee, he nods his thanks. "When did you and Sam get together, Jack?" he asks.
I almost laugh, but laughs come hard these days. He can't help his curiosity. "Just after the P2IJ53 mission." I say, leaving a lot unsaid.
Offensive action had taken place, I had ordered us to retreat and had stupidly gotten myself caught. I took happiness in the fact my team had escaped and planned one for myself. Only my team hadn't, no my 2IC had to come charging the hell back in there and nearly get herself killed didn't she.
I was on downtime the next day when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see Sam there with her hands in the pockets of her jeans and a cautious look on her face. We both knew it was dangerous to be alone together, we usually tried to avoid it at all costs. I moved aside to let her in and she entered.
"I came 'round to see if you were okay." She said and some wall inside me just crumbled. I shut the door and walked towards her. She must have seen something in my face because she backed away.
"Why the hell did you come after me Carter? I gave you a direct order to leave!" I was angry, angry because she could have been hurt and angry with my self because I couldn't have handled that.
"But," she started and I cut her off.
"No Sam, no buts, you could have been hurt, you could have been killed. Don't you know…" I don't know what I was going to say there, maybe 'how much you mean to me' maybe 'how I would have felt' maybe something else. But I stopped myself and thought 'Whew I'm saved.' But I wasn't, Oh god I wasn't. I'd backed her against a wall during the argument and we were centimeters apart, both breathing heavily. She exhaled and her breath was hot against my cheek.
I should have walked away, I should have asked her to go but I didn't because the wall I'd worked so hard to construct had tumbled down and the feelings I had tried to hide behind it were raw and exposed.
I don't know who moved first but we fell on each other, kissing, testing, exploring, losing ourselves completely in each other's arms. And I crushed her to me, inhaling the very essence of her into my soul as if it were a lifesaver and I a drowning man, I allowed it to heal the ache in my heart and in return I gave myself to her, completely, trustingly. We stumbled towards the bedroom, confused and reeling from the sensory overload and we stripped each other of our clothes. I ran my hands over her body, marveling at it's beauty and smiling when she shivered. Then it was my turn to shiver.
I should have told her afterwards, as we lay with our bodies curled around each other like some sort of cocoon. But I never said the words and neither did she. It was a sort of unspoken agreement between us that we wouldn't. I wish I had now, even if she did know.
"I loved her." I tell Daniel and he just nods, he probably knew it before I did. Daniel has always been smarter than me.
Daniel and I chat for awhile, mostly about Sam. When he gets up to leave he tells me he'll bring Sha're around soon and I tell him I'll look forward to it.
"Think about what I said, Jack." He tells me and I nod my assent.
I still have a part of Sam with me, the part I took the day we first made love. But the part I gave in turn died with her. I miss her so much sometimes that I can't do anything but cry and wait for it to pass. But it never quite does.
I dream of Sam sometimes. "I miss you." She says. I always cry when I wake. Yep, big macho me weeps like a baby.
Dead but still breathing. That's me alright.
*****
My name is Sam.
I cling to that when I despair of ever remembering anything else, when the darkness seems overwhelming and when they leave me in my cell for days.
Lord Apothis told me that I didn't have a name, that I wasn't important enough to have one. But he's a liar. I remember my name.
I don't know much else. The only things I remember is my name and someone else's. Jack. I remember the name Jack and I remember chocolate brown eyes and a dry voice.
Sometimes at night I dream, except it's more like remembering that dreaming. In these dreams I'm someone important, someone that people look up to. I'm confidant and I speak with ease.
I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I stood on a rooftop, staring at the stars. I don't get to see the stars often here. There were footsteps behind me and I knew they were Jack's. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and buried his face in my neck. I felt incredibly happy and content. My dreamself smiled and I twisted my head to meet his lips in a kiss.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked, "Come back to bed." I realised then that I was only wrapped in a sheet.
"I had a dream," I told him, concentrating on the warmth of his arms around me. "I lived in a glass house but there were no windows or doors. And when I tried to reach you I couldn't." I shivered, and I could feel goosebumps on my skin. Jack hugged me, as if all his warmth and all his love could erase my terrible sense of doom. He planted a kiss on my bare shoulder.
"Come back to bed." He said and I went with him gladly.
A pair of Serpent Guards interrupt my remembrance. "The Lord Apothis would like to see you," One says "Put this dress on." I do as they say and go with them. What else was I supposed to do, escape? Escape is impossible.
When Apothis sees me he smiles "Ahh the one with no name." He hisses. For the first time I hold my head high and he frowns. "Why do you not bow you head before one so much greater than yourself?" he asks. I should tremble but I hold my ground. I can be strong, I was before.
"My name is Sam." I tell him and all the rules of this game we play change. He laughs, he is annoyed but not angry. That must mean he has something planned.
"Come here then, Sam." He says, rolling my name off his lips like it's an obscenity. When I do not come, the Serpent Guards drag me. There is a device on his hand and he places it on my head. I convulse, shaking as the currents hit me and when he takes his hand away the memories nearly knock me over.
Jack...
Daniel...
Teal'c...
Janet...
Hammond...
Jack...
Phrases and images that seem so familiar and yet so strange.
"Why?" I ask Apothis, knowing him for what he truly is now, my enemy.
"Because your punishment is finally finished." I look at him warily, he wouldn't just let me go would he. "What I should say is that construction on the method of your punishment is finally finished." His hand sweeps to the corner of the room and I see a glass coffin. 'No, no, no, no, no.' I say to myself.
//I lived in a glass house with no doors//
Apothis gestures to a servant and they hand him another device. "You will see and hear." He tells me. "Other than that you will not move. Your hair will not grow, you will not age. You will live like that forever, knowing that your friends have died. This is your punishment."
As he applies the device to my neck I whisper "No." one last time. Then I collapse like putty and they carry me to the coffin. 'No' I say silently as they close the lid. I want to scream, I'm panic stricken. Please someone save me, please save me.
But there are no heroes here. They take me outside, I don't know how far and bury me in the ground only so I can still see the outside. I want to cry but my eyes won't work like I want them to. They only open and shut. Help me, I think, rescue me. But no one does.
*****
During most days I keep my eyes open, sometimes birds come but none touch the glass. They only sit on nearby branches and sing sweet songs to tempt me with their freedom. At night the stars are beautiful, they sparkle and shimmer so that I want to reach out and clutch them to me. But the stars are out of my reach now. Everything is now.
My arms are crossed against my chest and my hair is loose, almost like a princess from some old tale. Yep I'm Snow-fucking-White. So when does my prince come? I'll tell you a story.
Once there was a princess whose three best friends were princes. She loved them all, although not equally. One she loved as a friend, one as a brother and one as the love of her life. But on a quest to save Prince Daniel's true love, the wicked lord Apothis stole Princess Sam away. She was shut in a glass coffin to wait forever for her princes to come. But the princes never came.
Not the sort of thing you want to tell your kids at bedtime, hey? I never said this fairytale had a happy ending.
I dream at night, I don't think they're dreams though. If I let my consciousness drift just enough I can see my brave 'princes' on dangerous missions to strange planets. But my favourite dreams are those with Jack. He's in this one, wandering around in my made-up dreamscape, looking lost. I call him here, it's selfish of me but I need him. Occasionally I'll call Daniel or Teal'c but mainly just Jack. Here in my dream world I have power. "Jack." I call to him and he practically knocks me down when he rushes me.
He kisses my lips, bruising them with his touch, his hands are light, they hold me as if I might break. Reluctantly I pull my mouth away from his. There are tears in his eyes and I bite my bottom lip to stop them pooling in mine.
"I'd like to talk to you." I say and he just gazes at me, his eyes hungry and reverent as if by looking at me he could absorb me into himself.
"Sometimes I don't know what's worse, that you haunt me, or that you might not." He whispers. I place a finger on his lips.
"Shhh," I say and he kisses my finger, his lips lingering on the tip. Now comes the hard bit. "How are you Jack?" I ask him. He laughs, a bitter laugh that has none of his old humour.
"Without you I merely exist. I've got to concentrate hard just to keep on breathing. These dreams are some of the only joy I have." Please don't let me cry, I think, please don't.
*****
Let me tell you another story.
Once there was a princess who because of an evil lord lived in a glass house. She hated it, she thought she might go crazy but she didn't want to be rescued. Rescue would mean that her princes would be in danger and she couldn't have that, she just couldn't have that.
Do you understand? If they tried to rescue me they would die. So I sit here in my glass house and wait.
*****
"Teal'c and Daniel are worried about you, Jack." I tell him. "So am I, it's time to move on, time to forget me." He shakes his head, refusing to listen to me.
"Please don't leave me, Sam." He pleads. "Please don't." I cry then, tears spilling down my cheeks.
"Meet girls, Jack. Ask them out. Have coffee. Go to the movies, smile, laugh."
"No," he replies in a determined voice. "No girls, I can't even look at another woman like that now. I just can't."
I nod, "I understand but live, please live." Jack just looks at me, his eyes as hungry as ever.
"Let me hold you." He begs me and I reach for him, letting him claim my lips and run his hands over my body, reclaiming and relearning. It's a kind of bittersweet heaven that I never want to give up. Later as he lies curled around me he asks. "What's it like where you are, Sam?" I'm glad my face is hidden against his chest so that he can't see the tears pooled in my eyes.
"I live in a glass house with no doors and no windows, the birds visit me and sing sweet songs and every day I watch the sun rise." I tell him. I lift my head and kiss him then I let myself go, sending him back to his body.
*****
I send my mind out, questing for the SGC. I think this is called astral travelling, I read about it once. I find Hammond at his desk and I stand in the corner, ghostly and invisible. No one can see me when I'm like this but I can see them. He rubs his forehead, he looks tired. Well I guess being general of a top secret military base can do that to you. I leave after watching him for a bit, the last thing he needs is me invading his dreams. I move down the hallway, searching, remembering. I like to come to the SGC a lot it reminds me of when I was fully alive, when I was able to touch with my hands and walk with my legs. It reminds me of the people I love.
I'm in the infirmary now, this sure brings back memories. We all used to end up in here a lot. Janet is the only one in the infirmary now, she sleeping at her desk, head cushioned on her arm, her hair spilling over her eyes. She'll have a bad back in the morning, I observe idly. Shifting my pattern I delve into my own unconsciousness again and call her to my dreamscape, my siren song calls her and in a second we're standing together, face to face. She looks surprised to see me and then very happy.
"Sam?" she asks and when I smile she rushes forward and hugs me. "You have no idea how much I miss you." She tells me and a short laugh escapes my lips.
"I think I do," I answer. "It's terribly lonely where I am."
She pauses, words on her lips just ready to spill. "Do you, do you see Jack?" she pauses then adds quickly, "In the haunting sense I mean." I feel a wave of sadness wash over me, it's funny that even as a non-entity I can still talk to Janet and release everything that's welling up inside me.
"Of course I do," I find myself telling her. "I told him he should start to live again, get out there, date girls." My stomach curls at my own advice, I don't want Jack to date other girls. "I told him I shouldn't see him anymore." I sigh, it's strange that as a spirit I can feel so tired. Janet
smiles.
"I can imagine he didn't take that very well." She shakes hr head at me. "You're crazy for thinking he'd even look at other women Sam, he still loves you even though you're gone. Maybe the fact that he can see you like this is the only thing keeping him alive."
I pause at the thought, if I left him would he kill himself in some mistaken hope that he'd be with me? If he did he'd be disappointed. "So I'm not doing the wrong thing by sticking around?" I ask her hesitantly. Janet looks thoughtful.
"I don't think he's gonna let go while you stick around but maybe that's a good thing. Stay Sam, you have no idea how hard it is for all of us, especially him without you." Yes I do, I think but I don't say it, people always assume it's only those left behind who suffer.
"You know, I remember when you told me you two had gotten together." She giggles. "You were so embarrassed and you thought I hadn't realised you two were in love." She shakes her head in amazement. "God, how wrong you were.
The only surprise to me was that you two had finally stopped being so cowardly and admitted it." I smile, it's a good memory.
"I'll be seeing you, Janet." I tell her. "I'll be watching to make sure you're okay." I make a tsking sound. "Go home! Sleep in a bed! You're gonna get a bad back."
Her laughter echoes after me as I pull out of the mindscape. I hope she goes home.
I remember the day that I told Janet about Jack and I as if it were yesterday. Then again, my memories are just about all I have so I try to look after them. It was the afternoon after, well let's just say I went to Jack's house expecting him to rant and rave then drink some beer with him and go home. What I got was a whole lot more! I'd had a date with Janet for coffee and gossip at a little café in town and I really couldn't break it.
Jack had been playful and sweet all morning. I woke up to find him making breakfast and after we finished eating… You can't possibly know how sexy that man looks in the morning in boxers, with his hair all tousled and a hesitant smile on his face. I think he was afraid I'd get all defensive and want to pretend nothing happened. I decided to reassure him so I just walked up to him and kissed him, a very long and involved kiss. After breakfast we showered together and I can safely say that running water and that man's hands are a magic combination. After that we just sort of curled up in bed, not for sex mind you. We talked, kissed and laughed. Learning about each other, about what we both liked and didn't like, little things that hadn't seemed important enough to tell in the past.
"I have to meet Janet in half an hour." I told him, trying to squirm out of his grip.
"So?" he breathed in my ear, sending tiny shivers dancing up my spine. "Stay here with me, call her and tell her you can't make it."
The thought was tempting but I couldn't. I twisted in his arms, a regretful smile on my face. "Jack, if I don't go it'll be suspicious, besides we've had this planned for ages. Now let me go."
"Nope." He says with a toothy grin. That man is so infuriating sometimes, I swear I could kill him. I lever his arms off me but at the last minute he grabs me around the waist. When I get off the bed he comes too, the difference is I'm standing while he falls on his face. "Sam…" he whines but I just laugh as I head to the bathroom to ready myself.
About twenty minutes later after a very long kiss goodbye from Jack that was only supposed to take a couple of seconds but turned into five minutes, I leave promising I'll come straight back there once my lunch date is over.
I arrived at the café with a very big smile on my face, I spot Janet and head over to the table where she's sipping water. She spots me and grins.
"Oh good, I can finally order. You have no idea how starving I am." I laugh and sit down, we order some food and drinks and begin small talk about this and that, things that have been happening on base. I've just finished telling Janet about how one of SG-5 is dating a female tech when she fixes me with a scrutinizing gaze.
"Okay Sam, give it up, I hate to be suspicious but today you're positively beaming. What dirty little secret are you hiding?" I laugh and feel my cheeks turn red.
"No secret." I tell her trying to sound nonchalant but she just shakes her head at me.
"Sam, I know you, you're blushing, something has to be up!" I let out a small sigh, how are we to keep this relationship a secret from anyone when she figures it out in the first hour.
"I'm not blushing, you're being delusional." I say with a cheeky grin.
"You're not gonna get away that easily." She lectures me. "I rang you last night and you weren't home!" Uh oh, I think, busted now.
"Um, I went to bed early?"
"Don't try that on me, little miss innocent. You're wearing the same clothes you were wearing when you got off duty yesterday!" Oops, well she's got me there. "You said you were going over to make sure Jack was okay." She says, raising an eyebrow in query. I feel like banging my head against the table, stupid, stupid, stupid. I really have to get that big mouth fixed. "Come on Sam! Spill everything!" she nags me. It's useless, even if the world was about to end she wouldn't stop asking till I told her.
"Jack and I are," I pause, how do I say this to her? "Together, sort of." Janet lets out a whoop of delight as soon as I'm finished.
"Finally!" she comments, laughing. I give her a strange look.
"What do you mean by 'finally'?" She laughs again and replies, perfectly calmly.
"I've been waiting for you two to stop being so stubborn and get together for ages."
I just gape openmouthed at her. "But how did you know?"
Janet snorts, "Oh please, it was obvious to everyone on base besides you two from the moment you met. People have bets on when you two will get together!" I stare at her in disbelief.
"They do not!"
"They do too!"
I just shrug, if people wanted to waste their money on my private life then that was their choice.
"So how did it happen?"
"You're so nosy Janet."
"I know, and that's why you have to tell me."
I give in and tell her. "When I got there he invited me in. I hadn't been there a minute when he just freaked out! He was really upset about my going back for him. He sort of backed me up against a wall, and well, we kissed." I decided to leave it there, I didn't want Janet knowing too much about my private life.
"So?" she asks.
"So what?" I laugh.
"You can't just leave me there! Tell me more!"
"Let's just say I'm a very happy and a very lucky woman."
"I never thought I'd see you blush, Sam." She says laughingly. I sobered quickly.
"I love him Janet." I told her and she nodded solemnly as well.
"I know, and he loves you too." I blushed even more. "You deserve to be happy, Sam. Take your chance."
Our lunch had ended soon after and I'd gone home to Jack.
*****
I bring myself back to my body and open my eyes. It's beautiful outside today. The sun is shining, birds are singing and bomb diving the force field of my coffin. A perfect day to be alive, so why do I feel that death would be so much better that this. I think I'll stay here for awhile and go haunting later.
//Sitting in my glass house
While your ghost is sleeping down the hall
Watching little birds fly
Kamikaze missions into the walls
Think I'm gonna stay in today
Sit on the couch and watch them fall//
I stand in the corner and watch while Apothis conducts his business. Couple of people to be executed, training of new Jaffa. Just a normal day in the life of a system lord. He stares at the spot where I stand, looking a bit disconcerted. I'll get him later while he's sleeping, even system lords need their rest. And the dream world is my domain.
I meet Apothis later in his dreaming. "You dare to call me here?" he thunders and I just shrug, unfazed. What more can he do to me than he's already done.
"One day Apothis they'll come for you, they'll kill you and give your body back to its original owner. One day." He looks a bit apprehensive, I don't blame him. I can be pretty scary at times. As quick as I was in his dreams I'm out, I don't like to stay too long with Apothis in case he has some sneaky goa'uld trick to snag me. I'll just torment him and get out. I don't know how long I've lain in my glass house but I'm sure I know how paraplegics feel.
Drifting towards my old world I encounter a familiar mind. Teal'c is meditating. I'm surprised I can talk to him when he's like this but I can.
"Hey Teal'c." I say when he's safely in my dreamscape.
"Hello Captain Carter." He says calmly, unflappable as ever.
"You don't seem surprised to see me." I comment.
"I have expecting you to come again." He tells me. When I first learnt to travel like this I'd visited them all to make sure they were okay and knew it wasn't their faults.
"How are you Teal'c?" I ask.
"I am well, Captain Carter. I have learnt more of your earth culture." He tells me, we talk for awhile more about the things he's learnt.
When it's time to leave I say goodbye and ask him to look after Jack for me. He replies solemnly that he will.
Before I return to my body I visit Jack, we don't talk much, we don't make love, I just hold him and let him hold me. He doesn't cry but when I say I have to leave he gets that look in his eyes. The look that says 'please don't go'. It's always hard to leave him. I hate leaving the most.
*****
It's raining today. The rain falls but never quite hits my glass house. The force field keeps it away, couldn't have the glass wear away after thousands of years, no couldn't have that. I sit in my glass house and wait for the dark to come, it's not noticeable when the sky is cloudy, it just sort of creeps up on you. All the birds are in hiding today, ruffling their feathers and huddling under the branches. They haven't sung for me. It's amazing how they seem to know that I'm alive. Hell, even I could have fooled me. The sun sets in a last glint of red behind the clouds.
*****
It will be nighttime on Earth now, I'm glad that our planets' nighttimes and daytimes coincide. I roam my mind out, leaving my body. I will visit Daniel tonight. I haven't seen him in awhile. I always mean to go visit but when I see Jack it's so hard to leave. So I usually wind up spending the whole night with him and never see anyone else. Of course sometimes I don't see anyone at all, I look at the stars from the inside of my glass coffin. I've named all the constellations here, I can recognise them now. Not that anyone will even know.
//Life just keeps getting harder
And it just keeps getting harder to hide
The darker it is around me
The easier it is to see inside
Outside the glass
The whole world is magnified
And it's half and inch
From here to the other side//
I tell Jack about the constellations where I am sometimes, he always did love astronomy. He told me that he'd have all the stars in the sky extinguished if it meant he could have me back, ah Jack, always such a romantic. I miss him so badly.
Well back to the point, I find Daniel curled in his bed with Sha're. Despite dying on the mission to save her I don't feel angry with her at all. It wasn't her fault, it was no one's fault except Apothis. I call Daniel to my dreamscape. He's confused when he arrives and looking around him, curious as always. "Hey Danny!" I call with a smile.
"Sam!" he says, happiness seeping into his words. Not the kind of happiness mixed with desperation that I get with Jack but plain happiness, a joy to see me. It's nice. "I don't care if you're a dream, it'd damn good to see you." He tells me. I smile again. "Jack really isn't doing very well without you." He adds. I feel like adding a Jack-like comment of 'Ya think.' But I refrain.
"I know," I say instead "I see him quite a lot. That was one of the things I was hoping to talk to you about." He nods, telling me to go ahead. "If I stopped seeing him, do you think he'd move on, get on with his life?" Daniel laughs, but this laugh isn't pure, it's filled with bitterness.
"Sam, Jack is never going to move on. I thought at first there was hope but now I know the truth. He'll love you till the day he dies, you haunting him just keeps him a bit more alive than he usually is." I nod sadly, I had almost expected this answer but I'm glad he said it. It means I don't have to think about leaving.
"How are you?" I ask him, "How's Sha're?" Daniel smiles and this one is genuine.
"Sha're is pregnant, we're expecting our first baby in around seven and a half months." I laugh, we smile, we hug, we chat some more and then I leave. I want to tell him I'm not really dead, that the Snake Bastard has me firmly within his grasp. But instead I leave, saying nothing.
*****
Let me tell you a story.
There was once a princess and three princes. One day the princess was captured and the three princes thought she was dead. She didn't want them to come rescue her because that would put them in danger. But in her deepest heart she wanted them to come.
*****
I search for Jack, not to bring him into my dreams but merely to look at him. He's sleeping when I find him, tossing and turning with a pained expression on his face. 'Shh.' I whisper even though he can't hear me. I touch a hand he'll never quite feel to his face. "Sam," he murmurs. I leave, tears that aren't really real wet on my face.
I sit in my glasshouse and wait for the walls to crumble, for the force field and lifesupport to go. I wonder how long it will take, a decade, a century, a millenium? When the goa'uld empire falls apart? Maybe in a million years I'll be found by some lucky explorers to whom Apothis is only a legend. Maybe I'll be a pitiful shell of myself, raving and crazy. Maybe they'll think I'm an interesting specimen and take me back to study. Maybe.
A bird hovers above my glass house, curious and ready to flee if I move. Except I never move, the sun rises, the sun falls, I try not to visit Jack. Despite their reassurances I think I'm bad for him. But after less than a week I crack.
*****
I search them out, they're on a planet, walking through a forest. I stand among the trees, invisible as always like the ghost I'm not. Jack looks more tired than usual. "Oh Jack," I whisper to myself. He looks up startled, with a searching gaze directed at where I'm standing then shakes his head.
"What is it O'Neill?" Teal'c asks.
"I thought I saw, oh never mind." Jack looks sad, so incredibly sad. "Dial the 'gate Daniel, let's go home."
I call Jack to me while he sleeps that night. I can't stay away any longer. When he sees me he strides towards me and takes my head in his hands, they're warm and they trace light circles on my skin as if afraid I'll disappear at the slightest touch. He leans his forehead against mine. I place my hands over his, my touch reassuring and light.
"I thought you'd gone," he says haltingly "I thought I'd lost you again." My tears roll onto our joined hands and he shifts his head, his lips grazing my knuckles as he kisses the tears away.
"I promise I won't leave again." I say and I mean it. I can't stand to see him like this, I know during the day he's the perfect professional. Almost like he was before but with less jokes. It's only with me and his friends that he's like this.
"I found a poem the other day that I think shows how I feel perfectly." With his mouth centimeters away from mine he breathes the words into it like a prayer.
I tattooed your name on my heart
In love and sorrow and pain
And I seared it with my tears
So that it would forever whisper you name
I engraved your face on my soul
So as to always see your beauty and grace
It burned me with it's light and memories
So that the scars of your loss showed on my face
And I closed my heart, and I closed my soul
And I let the tear tracks stain my face
Then I planted minefields 'round it all
So no one could ever take your place
I shift my mouth upwards, finding his awkwardly and shivering as his lips touch mine. His hands move, one to tangle around my hair and the other to wind tight around my waist.
I try to breathe life into him as we kiss.
I try to breathe my light and my love.
I try to show him every thing I love about him and give him everything he loves about me. I try and sometime during the night I think I succeed. He twists a strand of my hair around his finger wistfully.
"You have to go don't you." He says, I nod,
"I love you." I say trying to put as much emphasis on the words as possible. His eyes grow wild.
"I love you too, you mean more to me than anything, even in death."
I don't cry, I'm past tears, past that. But only by a little bit.
*****
While my old team debriefs about their latest mission I wander around the base listlessly. The conversation of two female officers in the locker room attracts my attention. One of them I know, Susan Lynski, quite nice and an okay soldier. She was here before I 'died', the other is new, I think she's part of the base research teams.
"So Lisa, how are you coping with base life?" Susan asks.
"It's okay," then a sly grin, "It's a bonus that there are so many guys around too." Hmm, she might be a bit on the silly side. Oh well, I guess Janet and I gossiped about guys too. "What do you think of Colonel O'Neill?" she asks after a pause. I raise my eyebrows, this is going to be interesting.
Susan shrugs, "He's a good soldier, good guy. He's been through some things though. What do you think about him?"
Lisa smiles, "Do you think I'd have a chance with him? He's talked to me a couple of time but when I tried to start up a conversation he wasn't interested."
Susan smirks. "Jack O'Neill isn't interested in any of the women on this base."
"Why, is he gay?"
She just smiles sadly now. "Once upon a time there was a captain on the base called Samantha Carter. She was his second in command. They fell in love, started an affair and then Sam died on a mission."
"So?" Lisa asks, I'm slightly offended she's so callous about my death.
"So, Jack O'Neill is in love with a dead woman. He's never going to get over her, he won't even look at anyone else. You're not even his type."
Well she's got that right.
"I've got no chance at all?" Lisa asks.
"None." Susan replies, then adding in a low whisper "You know, some people say Sam haunts the SGC, watching over those she used to love…" She tells ghost stories about me, most are fake of course. Except for the fact that I do watch over those I love. Susan shows Lisa a picture of me from an album of SGC personnel.
"She doesn't look like the type to inspire undying love." Lisa says.
"You had to have been there." Susan replies.
I leave then and drift towards the gate room, I arrive in time to see the symbols light up as the gate spins. "SG-13's code coming through!" A tech yells. The iris opens, the shimmering surface pools, all is calm, all is quiet. It only lasts a second, SG-13 bursts through bloody and injured.
"Help! I need help!" The commanding officer shouts as he holds his female officer in his arms. From what I know of the team she's third in command. She's bleeding heavily and very close to death. The commanding officer is frantic, I recognise love when I see it, I know this scene well. I see her spirit leave the body as her heart stops beating.
"Who are you?" she asks as the paramedics rush towards her.
"Someone who wishes she could go back, you still can." I tell her.
"But there'll be pain." She replies as they set to work on her with the paddles.
I point back to the commanding officer, he's holding her hand whispering that she can't die, he'll miss her and then who will he tease on the missions. "He loves you." I tell her, "Go back for that." I see my team run into the room as she walks back to her body. As the two figures merge, her body jerks, gasping.
"It's a miracle," some say. The commanding officer follows close behind as they take her to surgery.
*****
That night I visit Jack.
"You know, you're starting to have quite a legend build up around you." He tells me. "Did you appear to Kate Cooper on the ramp today?"
"You mean the one that nearly died?
"Yeah, that's the one."
"What did she say?" I ask curiously.
"She said you told her to go back, Jordan Holder is declaring you the patron saint of the SGC, he thinks you should have a feastday."
"Well it's nice to know I'm appreciated, I'll take it he's the commanding officer."
"What exactly did you say to her?"
I choose my words carefully. "The truth. I see you and I reflected a little in them. I wanted a happy ending." The words are said lightly but Jack understands. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me.
"I wish we could have had a happy ending." He says.
*****
Months later I wait in spirit with Jack and Teal'c in a cold corridor, I can feel their anxiety and excitement. Suddenly Daniel runs out, beaming. His joy pours from every bit of his body.
"It's a girl!" he says triumphantly. Even I can't help but smile.
A while later they sit around Sha're, exclaiming at how beautiful the baby is. Well Jack and Daniel exclaim. Teal'c has a sort of muted excitement. I notice flowers from General Hammond in the corner. Daniel is holding the baby, as proud as a new father could be. Sha're says something to him in the Abydonian language and he replies likewise with a few words.
"We've decided what to call her." He tells them. "Her name will be Samantha, if you'll allow it." The last comment is addressed to Jack, who nods with slight tears in his eyes.
"Sam would be honoured." He tells them. "May I hold her?" he asks hesitantly and Daniel hands the baby over. "One day little one, I'll tell you stories about your namesake." He tells her, holding her as if she might break. I mile and walk towards them the baby looks right at me and reaches out a hand. Maybe one day when they show her pictures of me she'll remember. I leave then, with a suggestion of hope in my heart.
*****
Some time later, I know not how long, days tend to get confused, time doesn't really exist for me. SG-1 is on a mission, they only have three members now, Jack didn't get along with anyone well enough to have them on the team.
There is heavy fire from gun style weapons and I feel my heart beat fast for my three princes. "Daniel, dial the Gate!" Jack screams. Then I see the
man aim at Daniel's back. Even as the last chevron engages and they run towards the event horizon I know it will be too late.
"No!" I scream soundlessly and Jack turns to spot the sniper. He jumps, knocking Daniel through the gate after Teal'c. Oh god no, not Jack, please not Jack. I keep up this mantra as he bleeds on the ramp and as they wheel him away.
He seems to see me, "Sam." He says and reaches out a hand. Then the drugs take effect and he passes out.
*****
I sit in his room and wait for him to wait. I wait for a long time, finally Janet comes in and starts to talk to the air.
"I don't know if you're here Sam, but if you are, please listen. The only thing stopping Jack from waking up is you. Please don't take him from us, we need him here." She aims one final plea at me before leaving the room. I hadn't thought of this, what if Jack thinks he'll find me once he dies? Well he won't. With that thought I dive into his dreams.
They are twisted and strange, probably because of the drugs, a detached part of my mind infers. When I find him he's very close to death, not because of his injuries but because he doesn't want to live.
"Sam! Am I dead?" He asks hopefully. I shake my head.
"No Jack, you're not. Please go back, they need you." Jack shakes his head back at me, he always was a stubborn bastard.
"I've wait to be with you Sam, I waited and waited and now it's time. Please just let me die."
"Jack, your friends need you, and what about baby Samantha? Who's going to tell her mean stories about me if you don't." Jack sighs.
"I just want to be with you, Sam."
"Don't you want to get Apothis first? You're nearly there, you've managed to wipe out a lot of other goa'uld."
"They'll get him eventually." Jack replies, his voice full of surety.
"Jack, if you die you won't find me." I say, this is my last resort. He looks at me questioningly.
"Why not?" he asks, well that's Jack. Always gets right to the point. But how do I say this to him? How do I tell him that all his anguish and all his pain was for nothing? And most importantly, how will we ever forgive me?
"I'm not dead." I say, he just looks at me like I'm crazy.
"What do you mean?" he asks, I explain how I was revived and what I went through, I explain how Apothis wanted me to suffer for eternity so he built me a glass coffin. I explain how my seeing him is just a side effect of the coffin.
Jack goes very quiet. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks. I explain as best I can, that if they'd gone then they would have died but now I have hope.
"Will you forgive me?" I ask.
"Forgive you for what?" he smiles. "I'll come as soon as I can." He says I give his consciousness a push and he returns to his body.
*****
I watch them plan, I watch them argue. I watch Jack threaten to go by himself.
"When you're healed I promise we'll send a probe through, until then rest." Jack is uneasy but he knows it's the only way to get what he wants.
They all walk out, Major Jordan Holder walks up to Jack.
"I've asked if my team can be on this assignment." He tells him. "I owe a lot to Sam and if she's alive then I thank her in person. Of course I'll have to stop proclaiming her the saint of the SGC."
Jack smiles. "Thanks Jordan, I appreciate it."
I go back to my own body and I wait, I wait for my princes to come.
*****
I open my eyes to the sound of speech. This is a sound I haven't heard with my own ears for ages. I see faces, the faces of my princes and faces of other people I once knew or have never met. They peer down at me through the glass. The forcefield stops Jack as he reaches towards me and he curses. 'He came, he came' my heart sings as he takes Teal'c's staff weapon and fires it at the forcefield over and over again until it crumbles. He smashes the glass with his staff weapon then takes it away with his hands as he nears my face until his fingers are bleeding. He snatches me up, lifting me out of my prison and lies me half on the grass and half in his lap. I want to embrace him but I can't. I can't breathe, I can't move.
"Please Sam, give me a sign." He begs and I blink. He leans down, his lips a slight pressure on mine, a pressure I have had in dreams but not in reality for ever so long. It's the tiniest breath of air from his lungs to mine, the tiniest whisper of love. It is enough. I blink again, a tear I've wanted to cry for so long running down my cheek.
"I love you." I whisper, my voice sounding exactly as it did. Traitorous voice, it should not be so. It is enough. Jack breaks down and with all of them watching he breaks down and cries into my hair, whispering that he loves me in my ear.
"We have to go." Someone says and he picks me up, cradling me in his arms. I am free, I am with Jack, my other two princes follow close behind, I am going home. If this isn't happily ever after then what is?
*****
The End.
Story Notes: EMAIL: butterflitter@hotmail.com
DESCRIPTION: A fairytale/ghost story with a difference
CLASSIFICATION: S/J romance, Angst
ARCHIVING: Sam and Jack Archive, Heliopolis, anywhere else please ask first.
FEEDBACK: I will be your friend if you send me feedback, in fact I will erect an alter to worship you.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own, SG-1, or any of their friends. They belong to Gekko, Double Secret and MGM. However Susan Lynski and Lisa belong to me. I'm pretty sure that in the official universe there's no SG-13 so they belong to me too. Yay, I own an SG team!
SPOILERS: none that I'm aware of
SETTING: not sure when but Serpent's song never happened
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know it looks like I did what I swore never to do (some people will know what I'm talking about) but don't just read the first part and flame me! Read the rest!!! It's not what you think. I hope you enjoy it. Next I'd like to thank my beta reader Ness, the story would be worse without her and to Katie for assuring me that although I don't get the best marks in english, I still should keep writing. I hope you like it. I know it's a bit weird but hey, that's me. // symbolises either a past memory or song lyrics The lyrics are from the song "Glass House" by Ani deFranco. I don't own that either. The story, however is copywrited to me. Thankyou, Andrea
DESCRIPTION: A fairytale/ghost story with a difference
CLASSIFICATION: S/J romance, Angst
ARCHIVING: Sam and Jack Archive, Heliopolis, anywhere else please ask first.
FEEDBACK: I will be your friend if you send me feedback, in fact I will erect an alter to worship you.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own, SG-1, or any of their friends. They belong to Gekko, Double Secret and MGM. However Susan Lynski and Lisa belong to me. I'm pretty sure that in the official universe there's no SG-13 so they belong to me too. Yay, I own an SG team!
SPOILERS: none that I'm aware of
SETTING: not sure when but Serpent's song never happened
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know it looks like I did what I swore never to do (some people will know what I'm talking about) but don't just read the first part and flame me! Read the rest!!! It's not what you think. I hope you enjoy it. Next I'd like to thank my beta reader Ness, the story would be worse without her and to Katie for assuring me that although I don't get the best marks in english, I still should keep writing. I hope you like it. I know it's a bit weird but hey, that's me. // symbolises either a past memory or song lyrics The lyrics are from the song "Glass House" by Ani deFranco. I don't own that either. The story, however is copywrited to me. Thankyou, Andrea
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]