Seasons of my Life Series
Book 1 - A Reason to Hope
Chapter 2 - A Matter of Minds & Hearts
I waited nervously at the arrival gate at Peterson AFB for the flight from Nellis. I knew without a doubt that Sam was on it; she'd called shortly after take-off to say she'd gotten a seat on the hop and would be here by 13:00 hours. I watched the fighters doing practice manoeuvres on the runway and, for a moment, I wished that I was there as well.
I loved Sam with all my heart and soul. I knew this. Trouble was, I couldn't seem to tell her. I could show her, sure, but that wasn't nearly enough. And I wasn't able to show her as completely as I wanted to, either, and that was another crux of the problem.
She had told me on my last visit to her at Nellis that she wanted to move our relationship to the next step. She said, "Slow and easy is nice, and I appreciate your restraint, but we're both adults and I need more."
How's that for direct? So what did I do? Take her up on it and carry her to the nearest flat surface and have my way with her? Nope. I ran. I ran, as far and as fast as I could - straight back to Colorado Springs. I had to. I was scared, plain and simple. Petrified Colonel. Jack O'Neill, who could strike fear in the dreaded goa'uld and was friends with the Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet, was terrified that his girlfriend wanted to go to bed with him. Shakin' in his size thirteens like an untried boy.
Why, you might ask? Well, back about seven months or so ago, I made an attempt at having a real life. Yep, an actual life with a girlfriend and a social life with all the trimmings. Things fell apart pretty quickly, though, when she made it very clear to me that my gray hair and battle- scarred body were just not easy enough on the eye, as they say. It hurt, more than I would have thought;. I'd kept all of my dreams to myself, buried deep beneath the surface. I'd had it all once: a happy marriage, loving wife, and a son I adored. I lost it all due to my own inability to cope with and express my emotions. However, it would surprise all of those who think they know me to find that I still have dreams; dreams of someone that will love me - patched over bullet holes and all - and that I can love back - PMS and bad hair days and all. But Karen took care of that dream for me all right. She crushed it into fine specks of gray dust and scattered it to the winds.
I learned an important lesson from that little interlude. I'd forgotten how important it was in the scheme of things to be able to show off your mate as the best-looking, the smartest, or the best provider. I guess when I look at Karen and Sam, I'm no better. Both of those women are beautiful and very self-assured - in short, the best.
Sam Carter is, without a doubt, the brightest, most beautiful woman I've ever had the good fortune to know. So I worried compulsively now about her reaction to me if we were to become more intimate. I knew she'd had glimpses of my body, and was aware of the extent of the wounds I'd received during combat, but still it's a lot different when you're looking at a commanding officer as opposed to a potential lover.
Sam had called me three days ago, telling me we needed a face-to-face meeting. My gut reaction was that nothing good ever came after the phrase, "We need to talk." She asked for, and received three days of leave and scheduled a hop to Peterson AFB.
This weekend get together had all the earmarks of the "lets be friends" speeches that everyone has heard at least once in his or her lifetime. Hell, I couldn't really blame her; I had nothing to offer beyond my bruised and battered body. So, I'd take it like a man, as they say, and gracefully accept her inevitable decision to end our relationship.
I look at my watch. I still had fifteen minutes to kill before this little drama would come to a resounding, dismal finale.
** In the air between Nellis AFB and Peterson AFB **
The hour and twenty-minute flight from Nellis to Peterson gave Sam some time to think and plan.
"What am I gonna do?" I thought as I leaned back in the seat. "I have to figure out what's causing him to panic every time I mention going further together.
"Ok," I said to myself, drawing a deep, pensive breath, "this is no different than any other problem I've ever tried to solve. Start with what you have and find what you need to reach your goal. Right, I can do this. I have 'Jack dates', and they make me want 'Jack's body and soul', so how do I get it?" I sat back and reflected. "Subtitles are generally lost on him, so go for direct. Yep, that's the only way to get want I want. Don't let him run."
I could feel my teeth gnawing on my lower lip as I mulled things over - it's a wonder I had any lip left considering the problems I was facing - and had faced - with Jack. "The flaw in my theory, of course, is that when you corner someone, forcing them to face something against their will, one of two things can happen: either you resolve the problem or you don't. If we didn't find a way to connect on - really connect - on this trip, I was afraid my forcing the issue would, in fact, result in the death our relationship. But I had to try. He had to know, didn't he, how I feel, how much I love him; that he completes my heart."
A quick glance at my watch showed we would be landing in Colorado in about twenty minutes. I knew that this trip was the most important one of my life. Either I'd be flying home alone - truly alone - for the first time since I knew I loved him or I'd be flying home knowing our future was linked together forever.
** Peterson AFB **
My mind came back from my musing as the approaching aircraft came in for a landing on the strip in front of him. Time to face the music. Sam's on that plane and I know without a doubt that this trip is the deciding factor for us. Either I'll be faced with the final knowledge that my dreams will never come true, or I'll know that my soul is safely in Sam's hands.
I followed the crowd as it moved towards the arrival gate, watching as the passengers streamed off the jetway, greeting their loved ones with kisses and huge sweeping hugs for the children that were obviously rushing to greet their returning parent. I finally spied the blonde-headed beauty and, once again, she took my breath away as soon as my eyes settled on her. It was like coming home.. What, I wondered, what did she see in me that no one else did?
I returned her smile with one of my own as we walked towards one and another. We met in the middle, in a hug that I never wanted to end in case it was the last one she ever offered me. A gentle kiss followed and we broke apart, heading for my truck.
The drive into town was a quiet one, both of us thinking too hard and full of worry over what the next few days would bring. Eventually, I broke the silence by asking her if she'd like to get some lunch. She declined, saying she'd eaten just before leaving Nellis. Feeling somewhat defeated, I fell silent again.
We arrived at her home around 14:00 hours. I had stopped by earlier in the day to open the house and stock up on her favorite foods, diet coke and fresh salads, even a box of red jello.
"Hey," Sam said, turning to me, "do ya' want to come in?"
"Sure," I replied with a heavy heart, sure that this would be the end.
"Grab a beer for each of us, would you, please? I'm just going to put my bags in my room."
"Sure," I repeated dully, down to monosyllabic responses.
I settled nervously on the couch to wait, feeling like a condemned prisoner.
In the bedroom, I sighed as I set my bags down on the pretty coverlet. It felt good to be home. . Obviously, Jack must have stopped by and opened up the house for me. Such a sweet and thoughtful thing to do. I had really planned to wait for this little talk, but I had to get it resolved. I hated to have it hanging over my head. So I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and headed back out to the living room to face my destiny.
"Thanks," I said as I sat down, taking the frosty cold beer from his hand.
I can't seem to raise my eyes to hers; those beautiful blue eyes that are the window into her soul. Finally I couldn't take it any longer The silence had stretched uncomfortably between us and it was tearing at my gut. We both looked up at the same moment and smiled awkwardly, almost like strangers. My stomach ache quadrupled.
I moved over to sit beside him, leaning my head against that broad, shoulder. I closed my eyes, thinking how I could do this forever sit beside him inhaling his scent with each breath. His arm had come to rest around me, tightening to hold me close. How could I not have this? But what if, by making him talk to me, I lost him forever?
I bent my head down to look into her eyes, and couldn't help myself as she turned her head up to me and our lips met. The kiss began gently, a simple meeting of our lips, but quickly escalated into much more. Sam's small sigh of satisfaction gave me the opening I was waiting for and as her lips parted slightly, my tongue moved smoothly into her mouth, searching slowly and carefully, , eagerly touching everything it could in case she suddenly withdrew permission for such intimacies.. But then she turned towards me slipping her arm behind my head, her fingers playing with the short silver strands at the base of my neck and pulling me towards her, blatantly making her desires known.
Eventually, we had to break apart to catch our breath. Our foreheads rested against each other as the need for continued contact remained. Her fingers stroke along my face, tantalisingly following each and every plain and angle. I shivered, for a short second unable to suppress my desire. She tugged at me gently and we slid to the side on the couch, her body covering mine. We took up where we'd left off like a couple of teenagers, open-mouthed kissing, hands roaming freely over the hills and vallies of our eager, rapidly heating bodies.
I must say, that I can be very crafty when called upon. Before she knew it, her shirt had been opened and pushed off her shoulders to land on the floor at our feet, her bra following quickly. She sat up proudly from where she was straddling my legs, showing off her assets in their best light, as it were. I reached for those gentle slopes and began to fondle them, enjoying the size and weight as pebble-hard nipples poked impudently into my palms.
Her smile was enough to melt my heart and I knew I'd do anything to keep her, to make her happy. She lowered her head and our lips met again, long and slow. As she stretched her long and limber body over mine, she could plainly feel my arousal, and that was when she smiled the most evil of smiles and began to rock her hips from side to side, plainly hoping to arouse my interests even further - as if that was possible. I felt like I was going to explode any second as it was. My brain was completely fogged as I felt her hips rubbing into mine. I had not noticed that she was as cunning as I and had successfully unbuttoned my shirt, practically throwing it aside in her haste to get to me.
The moment that her hands touched my chest, though, my mind snapped in to a crystal clear picture of what was to follow. I knew, in my mind and my heart, that the instant she touched a ridge of scarred skin or saw the burn scars, she would be gone. She would follow the earlier example of self-absorbed womanhood and run as far and as fast as she could. Frankly, I out and out panicked, squirming and twisting to get out from under her. I had to get away, but most of all, I had to get my clothes back in place!
I was ready for him. I knew he'd try and run. I hadn't missed the clues - far from it.. Each time we were together, he froze and panicked whenever I started to undress him. So, it had been with all deliberate finesse that I had distracted him with my own body, knowing that he'd concentrate on my pleasure instead of his own discomfort.
I was not disappointed. As he made to escape, I took hold of his chin tightly; firmly enough that I would leave bruises behind, and made him look at me. He stopped, frozen, looking into my eyes fearfully, with shame and resignation. Fear and shame? Normally, I would never associate any of those emotions with Jack.. What did he have to be fearful or shameful of? He had a wonderful body that many women wanted to get to know better . . . not that I'd let them, of course.
"Jack?" I whispered, unable to keep the pleading note out of my voice. "It's ok. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just you and me here. I love you. Please, please don't run."
I closed my eyes, unable to bear her look of disappointment. I was caught. It was over. I felt a terrible pain in my chest and unfamiliar tears pressing painfully behind my eyes. When was the last time I had cried? I couldn't remember . . . maybe when Sara casually left my divorce papers on the dining room table for me to sign.
I couldn't escape - there was nowhere for me to go. I'd let Sam see the state of my body, my heart and my soul. Then I could leave quietly and fade out into the afternoon shadows to find a place to hide as my heart shattered within me into so many pieces it would never heal.
He was just lying there, his eyes screwed tightly shut, as if waiting for some impending doom. "Ok, Jack. Now, I'm going to sit up and let you get into a more comfortable position, but only if you promise that you'll stay. No more running away - and we'll talk. Alright?" I said cautiously as I looked down on Jack. My heart broke, seeing in the tense, tight lines of his body contrasting with his completely abnormal, subdued demeanor. I didn't really understand what he was scared of, but I was damn well going to find out and fix it! He nodded slowly in defeat, obviously hoping I'd just go away and leave him alone in his misery.
Warily, never taking my eyes off of him,, I eased off his lap. As I settled down on the couch, I reached down to the floor and snagged my blouse, pulling it on and buttoning it up quickly. Jack hadn't moved a muscle since I had gotten off him, which concerned me greatly, because it was so un-Jack-like. I didn't want a defeated, mute Jack. I needed him to talk to me so we could solve this blasted problem, for once and for all, whatever it might be.
"Jack," I whispered softly, not wanting to startle him.
"What?" came his hesitant reply, his usually strong, commanding voice cracking and trembling.
"Talk to me. Tell me what is so frightening to you. We can solve any problem either of us has,, but only if we share it with each other." I stopped talking watching him closely.
Despite my best efforts at keeping them out, her words sank in, wise and warm and loving as they were. Slowly, I brought my hand up to my shirt and quietly finished unbuttoning it. I sat up, leaning forward on the couch and let the shirt slide off my shoulders and pool behind me. I sat motionless before her, looking at her but not seeing her, knowing that she was staring at me in pity and revulsion.
Deliberately, I moved closer to him, still confused about what I was supposed to be looking at. Clearly he thought I could see whatever the problem was as he sat before me, unnaturally still like a wary rabbit hoping a circling hawk won't notice him.
I waited and could feel her draw closer as I sat quietly. I expected her to say something - ask me to leave, just anything.
Softly and slowly, I settled beside him. I could feel him trembling; his breathing was coming in very shallow gasps. He clearly felt the end was closing in, but why? I didn't know what to do and so I just did what felt right. I reached for him and encircled him in my arms, holding him tightly without saying anything, hopefully conveying a feeling of safety and love.
I don't know how long we sat there, her arms around me giving me shelter and hope, before my arms came up to hold her back.
"Sam?" I said so quietly that I was doubtful that she would hear me.
"What?" came her immediate response, as she gently stroked my shoulders and back, offering a comforting touch.
It was then that the thought occurred to me that she was rubbing her hands over my back and shoulders, much as a lover would, and yet she showed no repugnance at the feel or look of my body. Could it be, really be, that it didn't matter to her, that she hadn't even noticed what, to Karen, had been so offensive? She waited patiently in silence, giving me the time I needed to gather my thoughts.
"I need to tell you a story and I ask that you let me get through the whole thing before you say anything. If you want me to leave after that I will, I won't blame you. I know that I don't really have anything to offer you, and you have such a bright future ahead."
"Ok," I thought to myself with a feeling of trepidation " I wanted to know what Jack's problem was and looks I'm going find out!"
And so I told her the story of Karen and how my scars both emotional and physical had been so repugnant to her. When I got to the part where she suggested I have plastic surgery, I thought Sam was going to have a stroke if I didn't let her say something, so I stopped talking. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Is it ok for me to talk now?" Sam asked in all seriousness.
"Yeahsureyabetcha," I said with a completely straight face, "it's your turn."
"Jack, don't you ever, ever hold back something so important from me again!!" I all but shouted at him. "Don't you ever judge me against someone like her. I love you! All of you, not just what you can do for me or how you look, but all of you. The good and the bad, Jack. I know what you've been through and I know how you got each of those marks that cover your body. They don't bother me at all, in anyway! Are we clear on that? I mean, what about me? I'm far from perfect - look at my body, I've got scars, too. You've been around for some of my more colorful misadventures, and they've certainly left reminders behind on my body." I had to pause here to catch my breath and as I did so I realized that I had at some point gotten up from the couch to pace. I stopped abruptly as I looked back at Jack still sitting on the couch, and saw a very different man.
The once defeated, frightened man was now renewed; one with a purpose and hope. I had done it
I had forced the issue and won! Jack and I were destined to wrap our futures together.
I watched as he shifted his weight in preparation for getting up from the couch. He crossed the space that separated us and took me into his arms. The loving, confident man that I loved so much was back. I tilted my head to accept his kiss, and passion quickly flared, as if he wanted to make up for lost opportunities. I found I wanted nothing more than to allow him to sweep me away. As I focused once more on my surroundings, I knew without a doubt that this was where we both needed to be. I stepped away from the warmth of his body, and he looked at me with some confusion.
I reached for his hand and led him down the hallway towards my bedroom, and our future.
/end/
Story Notes: Content Warnings: Brief respectful mention of female anatomy.
Sequel / Series: Seasons of my Life Series, follows "A Simple Request"
All feedback and suggestions welcome and will be answered. my muse has many more stories in store for us. This is a stand-alone story, however I think it'll make more sense if you read the whole series. The muse made this story to big to be included in "All about family" and so had to have a story of its own. Thank you to my beta's Su Freund and Carolyn Faulkner, the best betas an author could ask for ! This story is so much better for their efforts and suggestions. All remaining errors are mine and mine alone.
E-mail: fulinn28@yahoo.com
Copyright: (c) 2003 bonnie rose
Sequel / Series: Seasons of my Life Series, follows "A Simple Request"
All feedback and suggestions welcome and will be answered. my muse has many more stories in store for us. This is a stand-alone story, however I think it'll make more sense if you read the whole series. The muse made this story to big to be included in "All about family" and so had to have a story of its own. Thank you to my beta's Su Freund and Carolyn Faulkner, the best betas an author could ask for ! This story is so much better for their efforts and suggestions. All remaining errors are mine and mine alone.
E-mail: fulinn28@yahoo.com
Copyright: (c) 2003 bonnie rose
End Notes: To be continued in "All About Families" coming soon.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]