Jack was starting to work up a good sweat. Just what you need, O'Neill, a jog in the park, work off some of that excess energy. As he thought this he wondered how much longer his knees would be able to take the punishment they got. All that kneeling in front of overblown, good for nothing, slimy snake-heads didn't help. Yeah, a good sweat, get that pulse racing. Nothing like a jog in the park on a fine day like today. Except, maybe, some solitary and peaceful fishing.. maybe a barbecue; both together was nice. And he started to mentally list the things that were good to do on a day like this. It relaxed him to occupy his mind with such thoughts when jogging. He was starting to pant heavily, getting well into his stride.
Then he saw her. Couldn't miss her. That short blonde hair, that smile, the way she moved her hands as she talked. Even from this distance. He'd almost bet he could spot her with a blindfold on. She was with a guy! What? A guy? Who the hell.? Oh crap! He had stopped breathing. His heart thudded loudly in his chest. His hands started sweating. He swallowed hard, trying to breathe again. He could feel his face going red. What? Embarrassment? Anger? Disappointment? Dread? Crap! Keep your head down Jack. Don't let her see you.
He had stopped dead, was about to turn, hoping he could sneak off without her spotting him. But he couldn't bring himself to draw his eyes away, couldn't move. He could do nothing but stand there and watch, sickeningly fascinated by the sight of her with him. For crying out loud, with a guy? She's never said anything about any guy. Who the hell is he? How long has she been seeing him?
When they'd chatted about what the team were going to do with their couple of days off, she said she was doing something special. She had a twinkle in her eyes and teased him when he tried to coax it out of her. She wasn't telling. They'd been kidding around with each other, almost flirting. She'd given no hint of his impending doom. This was it? This was the something special? Spending some quality time with this guy? Oh crap!
He thought she would have told him. Said something. Jeez! You would've thought she could have done that. Let him down gently. God, even let him down from a great height with a resounding thud. It would've been better than finding out like this. Almost anything would. Except, maybe, having it revealed through an invitation to her wedding. That would suck. If she had told him.at least he would have known already; for when he accidentally bumped into the two of them together. Hey Carter, we do live in the same city, for crying out loud. She should have told him she was moving on without him. Didn't he deserve even that?
He felt sick inside, his stomach churning, his chest tightening. If someone had asked him how he felt at that moment, he could never have described the ache inside, the gut wrenching, heart crunching ache. As if he would EVER say anything to anybody about this. Yeah, right! Suddenly Jack O'Neill's gonna open up his soul, spill his guts. Sure thing. He wouldn't even tell her that he'd seen them. He would wait for her to tell him in her own time. Hope he could pretend he wasn't falling apart inside. Hope he could deal with it. Hope he could do his job, be her CO, without it affecting the team.
He could do that. He was great at it. He'd learned how to hide his thoughts and feelings years ago. Stoic O'Neill. Imperturbable O'Neill. Don't show 'em anything, hide it all behind the O'Neill mask. Admittedly, he needed a thicker mask these days, but he could still do it with consummate skill. He was so good at it that people often forget he actually did have feelings. Well, he had feelings alright, and he was feeling pretty much all of them right about now. Just about all the bad ones that is, pain, hurt and anger.
Jack wondered, again, how long she'd been seeing him. From this distance it looked like it could have been a while. She sat on a park bench with him and they were talking animatedly. Carter was smiling and laughing with this guy. She looked happy. Crap! No, it was a good thing. That she looked happy. Wasn't it? She deserved that much. Didn't she?
He, on the other hand, had lived a bad life, done terrible things. Sometimes he felt that the pleasure he derived from the SGC, from being with SG-1, and with her, every day. It wasn't right was it? He deserved nothing. She looked happy. Oh crap! He begrudged her that. How could he begrudge her that? But he did. That guy should be him, shouldn't it? No, maybe not. He probably didn't deserve that. But had he lost her? Did he deserve that? Whatever, he wished things could have been different, could still be different. He'd always hoped there'd be a time for them.
At that moment he saw a child run over to Carter. The little girl was tugging at her arm, trying to persuade her to play, no doubt. Jack had a kid once himself, after all. He knew these things. He knew lots of things. Wasn't as dumb as they thought. He didn't know this though.
Oh crap! They had a kid with them. Just one big happy family. He had thought nothing about the fact that they sat near the kid's playground. Now he knew it served a purpose. A kid? Crap! This kid looked like she really liked Carter, a lot. A lot more than if she'd just met her, for instance. She must have known this guy for some time. Knew him well enough to get to know his kid. That means they're pretty tight then. Not a first date or anything. Doh! Who took their kids on a first date, for crying out loud? And she hadn't told him? Crap!
He felt numb. Despite the warmth of the day, his insides were icy cold. David Blaine in his block of ice had nothing on him. Jack snorted at that absurd thought. The jerk! As if any sane person would allow themselves to be frozen in a block of ice. That would be pretty damned stupid. And cold. Very cold. Take it from one who knew what it was to be cold.
So this guy must be some creepy divorcee then. That he, too, was a divorced man conveniently didn't enter his mind. Jack peered to get a closer look at the guy. Yeah, he looked just like some creepy divorcee. The type that haunted singles bars desperately picking up woman. But this guy wasn't desperate. He had Sam. It was Jack who was desperate. Oh crap!
He wondered where Carter had met him. Surely she didn't frequent those kinds of places. What the hell did she do in her spare time that meant she met guys who didn't work at the SGC? The gym? No, the guy didn't look like he had a muscle on him. Jack smiled smugly at that. Not as fit as me then, big guy! A blind date maybe? It was the sort of thing that Janet might arrange. Some astrophysicists conference? They could bore each other to death over quantum theory or magnets or something.
Hey, the guy might not even be divorced. He was stringing Carter along, married all the time. He would break her heart. Jack would kill him. He'd bleed him dry then pick his bones clean for breakfast if he did anything to hurt Sam. Unless she knew. She was having an affair with a married man? God, no. That's the worst. Surely not Carter. No he had his kid with him, couldn't be that. Jack was relieved at that.
Correction, two kids. Double crap! It went from bad to worse. A little boy. What is this, the American dream with apple pie on top? The kid looked much cuter than his dad. The guy wasn't particularly good looking. What did Carter see in him? Was she that lonely? She surely couldn't like this guy. He looked like a geek. Then again, so did Daniel and he had women fawning over him all the time. But Carter was beautiful, brilliant. What the hell was she doing with this jerk? The young boy, too, looked enamoured with her. Oh crap! He might be getting one of those wedding invitations sometime soon.
Having failed to persuade her to play with them, the kids ran back into the playground, leaving Carter alone with the man again.
Jack, you total moron, what are you thinking? The guy is probably really great. Sam could have anyone she wanted, right? Anyone she chose? Men fell in love with her all the time, particularly the alien variety. They were constantly drooling all over her. Why wouldn't they?
He tried to calm himself. He was using panic logic. Letting his mind ramble in desperate need of something to hold on to. Being stupid. Why wouldn't Carter be with a great guy? A great guy she could fall in love with and who would take her away from him. Take away that hope of ..something ... Crap!
He was insulting her intelligence to be thinking this man was a creep. She wouldn't tolerate the sort of jerk he was crediting this guy to be. On the other hand there had been that Jonas guy. He'd been creepy. Actually he'd been nuts. Although Jack was pretty sure that he can't have been quite that crazy when Sam was engaged to him. It was probably her breaking it off with him that had sent him over the edge, poor bastard. Right at this moment, Jack could so totally relate to that. And it saddened him further to realise how little he really knew about Carter's life. Probably would never find out now. He'd been looking forward to that. Getting to know the real Carter; getting to know the real Sam.
Things had been great between them lately. At last they had managed to relax more together, that palpable tension that had existed was gone. They could joke around, flirt a little. Like they had before the Zanex thing, before Thera and Jonah. A whole lot better than before that, actually. Two good friends.
It dawned on Jack that this could be why things had changed. She no longer had those non-regulation feelings for him. She had loosened up as the result of a relationship with this guy and Jack had responded to that. Ironic that their own relationship had changed because of this one. He was pissed that she had failed to mention this important thing to him. The idea that she no longer thought of him that way made him feel desolate.
He tried to suppress feelings of betrayal. She didn't owe him anything. Not a damned thing. They'd never made any promises. The anger and disappointment sprung to the surface, engulfing him in a wave of emotion and he gasped for air.
How could he have been so stupid? It had been false hope, a castle in the air. He had been foolish to think it could ever amount to anything. For her maybe it was a short lived crush on the "Great" Jack O'Neill. Until she'd gotten over it, discovered that he really wasn't so great after all. For him? It wasn't short lived, that's for sure. He knew he wasn't getting over this any time soon.
He could feel the water pricking behind his eyes and shook his head, blinking hard, to contain it. He was gonna learn to live with it. He could accept it. He was a stubborn son of a bitch and he would force himself to do it. For the sake of his team. Anything for his team, and to keep his friends around him.
He was shocked that's all. Surprised. He would get over it. He would. He growled to himself deep in his throat. It'll be fine, you'll be fine.
So why did he feel so...? Not fine. Don't you get too old to get that love sick teenage angst thing? Jeez, pull yourself together O'Neill. He was way, way closer to retirement than he was to that. It was ridiculous. Besides, this was no teenage thing he had here. It was a lot worse than that.
He shuddered to think how he was going to deal with this. He might be able to hide it from her, from everyone else, but he couldn't hide it from himself. All of a sudden a date with a whiskey bottle seemed appealing. He was about to turn on his heel when he heard her call his name. She was waving at him. Smiling and waving. Looking happy. Oh crap! He'd been spotted. Should have turned tail a long time ago Jack. He cursed himself.
Taking a deep breath, trying to calm the inner turmoil, he walked towards them. He waved. His mouth smiled, but not his eyes. They were dark, cloudy; dulled by that dead feeling that was rapidly coming over him.
As he approached he noticed what Carter was wearing. A cute blue cropped top that showed her midriff. Oh. my. God.she was wearing a belly button ring! That's a little non-regulation, isn't it? He wondered how long ago she'd had it done, whether she wore it under her uniform. Probably not knowing Carter's normal stickler for the regs thing. But he'd taught her a thing or two about that over the years, hadn't he? And now, missions would never be the same again with that belly button ring thing in his mind. Cute belly button ring, cute belly button come to that. Wow! She looked incredible. Crap! How could she do this to him today of all days? The day, it now seemed, that he was going to meet HIM. The man who might take her away from him forever. Missions were never going to be the same again in any event. Oh crap! The Carter midriff was a welcome distraction from meeting HIM but get back to reality O'Neill, take a deep breath and smile.
"Hey, Carter! " he called, smiling even more but still not in his eyes, mask firmly in place. He could do this. He could face Jaffa. Goa'uld. Replicators. crooked politicians ..and God knew how many other nasty critters. But he couldn't face Carter and her boyfriend? Get a grip. He was a Colonel in the United States Airforce, for crying out loud. He was special ops trained. He could do this. He could. Oh crap!
"Hey" She paused, "Colonel O'Neill."
He felt like he had lead weights tied to his feet. Had the Earth suddenly tilted off its axis while he was out doing his shopping, or something? Carter would know. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. He didn't want to do this. He really, really didn't want to do this. What option? He could do it. He would. She would never know how he was feeling. He was set on that. Be happy for her, or at least pretend.
He cocked an eyebrow and looked enquiringly from Carter to the man. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. He was about to be introduced to this guy. How did he get himself into these situations?
"Sorry Sir. This is Mark"
"Yeees.?"
"Mark. My brother.?"
Jack felt the tightness in his chest ease; suddenly he could breathe again. As he shook Mark's hand he thought he seemed a pretty decent guy after all, and he smiled. This time the smile lit his whole face.
Story Notes: Exclamation Series 01: Spoilers: Small reference to The First Commandment and Spoiler (I guess) for Secrets
Season: Probably 4 onwards, but could be almost any after 2
Author's Note: The wonderful Bonnie has been at it again, slaving over my draft when she has so much else going in her life. Don't know how she does it, so all credit to her. Thanks Bonnie, and particularly for suggesting I change the beginning of this story! Good call. But any errors are my own, despite Bonnie's best efforts.
I make no apology for the title of this fic, or the repeated use of this word throughout the story. Any word that is good enough for Jack O'Neill is good enough for me
Season: Probably 4 onwards, but could be almost any after 2
Author's Note: The wonderful Bonnie has been at it again, slaving over my draft when she has so much else going in her life. Don't know how she does it, so all credit to her. Thanks Bonnie, and particularly for suggesting I change the beginning of this story! Good call. But any errors are my own, despite Bonnie's best efforts.
I make no apology for the title of this fic, or the repeated use of this word throughout the story. Any word that is good enough for Jack O'Neill is good enough for me
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]