What a waste.
Why did it take us so long to see something that now seems so obvious? Why wasn't *everyone* tested before it was too late?
I can sit here for the rest of my life asking these questions but it wont change anything.
Lives were lost today.
His life was lost.
I can still feel his blood on my hands, still feel it running down my fingers. I can still hear it dripping upon the cold floor and I find myself apologizing. Whispering into the empty, darkened room; pleading for his forgiveness.
I'm sorry, Martouf. Sorry for *so* many things. I'm sorry you lost Jolinar. I'm sorry I wasn't able to return the feelings you had for me. Perhaps if your timing had been different. Perhaps a few months earlier. Perhaps a few months later. Perhaps timing would have made no difference at all. I'm sorry that I...that I...
Had you *known* what you were going to do. Had the assassination plan been solely your idea and had there been no Goa'uld involvement, I might not feel so guilty right now. But *I* took a life. Took two innocent lives with one shot. Took *your* life. I am so sorry. But just as asking questions doesn't change anything, I know apologizing wont bring you back either. It will never make what happened right. It will never make me feel any better.
I've run out of tissues. Why can't I stop crying?
I can feel the tears running down my face. I watch as they hit the floor in almost the same place everytime, leaving a wet reminder. Almost like an ever-increasing bloodstain. Not unlike the one that is more than likely being hosed off the ramp right at this moment. I wish I could simply hose my memory of what occurred in the 'Gateroom away. Lying, dying in my arms. This is not how I want to remember you.
Damn you, Martouf! How did you let yourself get into a situation that allowed the Goa'uld to do this to you? Why did you have to be so close to Jolinar? Why did we ever have to meet? Why did you have to tell me you loved me at such a confusing time? Why?
My hand hurts. The sound of flesh connecting with a hard surface continues after I cease the abuse my fist was inflicting upon the table. I wipe my face dry with my still throbbing hand (does the pain ever truly go away?) then run it quickly through my mussed hair, leaving it slightly damp. I'm well aware I've been crying for the last half hour but no one else on base needs to know that. I open the door with shaking hands to find the Colonel on the other side. I wonder how long he'd been knocking for. Wonder how long he'd stood on the other side before reaching up to knock. Concern floods his eyes when they take in my appearance. I guess I didn’t make myself as presentable as I'd thought after all. How hard would it have been for them to put a mirror in this room? Why am I even worrying about a mirror or how I look? Part of me knows why, but I left that part back in the room after the re-testing. Or so I tell myself.
"Carter...Sam...I..."
I find myself smiling despite everything. I take some comfort in the familiarity of Jack O'Neill. He has no clue what to say.
We stand in silence for a moment. Then it becomes to much for me and I open the door wider. Silent permission for him to enter. I could have told him to leave and he might have done so, or he might have tried to have a serious conversation with me in the corridor. I know 'serious' and 'Jack O'Neill' don't usually go together but even Jack knows when it's not appropriate to be a smart-ass. I'm not in the mood for either serious discussions or smart-ass comments right now. But I don't want to be alone with my memories. I need the company of a friend. I wait silently as he enters and then close the door behind him. Still facing the door, I hear myself telling him I'm doing better than I look. I don't ever recall opening my mouth.
"I don't believe you"
His voice is barely above a whisper as he speaks.
Still facing the door, I murmur "You shouldn't". I know he heard me, the step I hear him take towards me confirms it. Taking a shaking breath, I turn to face him.
"Martouf?"
I had to ask. I have to know...
"Freya's taken the bo..taken Martouf.. back with her."
"I need to say goodbye. I need to say sorry. It's *my* fault they're taking a body back. I could have..."
"Sam, stop it! You're smarter than that. You know it's not your fault."
"I *killed* him"
"No, Sam. Martouf died the moment that damn zaytark crap took over."
His words hurt. I know he hadn't intended them to but a lot of the pain came from hearing someone else speak those words. 'Martouf died'. If any part of me was refusing to believe it, it's believing it now.
"Sam, I'm sorry."
I wanted to scream at him. 'Call me Carter'. I wanted to hit him until he stopped using my first name. Something about the use of the name made my tears flow more freely. He opened his mouth but I silenced him before he had the chance to speak.
"I can't have this conversation right now."
Jack (It's ok to think it, just don't voice it. There's something intimate about hearing it out loud. Something I'm just not ready for) nodded in understanding and then bridged the space between us in two strides. He held my gaze, searched my grief-stricken eyes for silent permission. Receiving it, he gently places his arms around me and I allow myself to be folded into his embrace knowing if I collapse he'll hold me up. I don't trust my legs to hold me up right now. But I trust him. I wrap my arms around his neck and sob softly against his shoulder. I feel him place a caring hand at the back of my head, feel his fingers entangle themselves in my hair.
And we stay like this for some time. Jack makes no attempt to leave and I silently thank him for that. While he's holding me I find myself no longer apologizing. I know I'll be given the chance to see martouf one last time and say all I need to say to him. Right now, I find myself being unable to stop silently thanking Jack. For being the one to come see me tonight. For comforting me when I needed a friend. For not mentioning something we both know *will* leave that room. We both know we do need to talk about it and we will, when the time is right. Right now I have all I need to get me through losing one of the most complicated relationships I've ever experienced.
A best friend.
THE END.
Aug 1 2000 Becc_Carter@yahoo.co.nz good feedback and constructive criticism gets rewarded with chocolate covered clones. Flames get fired straight back at ya *eg* http://www.geocities.com/becc_carter/
Story Notes: E-MAIL: Becc_Carter@yahoo.co.nz
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis. Anywhere else, just ask me first :)
AUTHORS NOTES: Nice little depressing fic. Not sure if this is really how Sam would react but it is only fan *fiction* after all :) Thanx to: Angel for the beta. Sam and Marty fic my butt! *g* Also thanx to everyone else who offered to beta :)
"Fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do."
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis. Anywhere else, just ask me first :)
AUTHORS NOTES: Nice little depressing fic. Not sure if this is really how Sam would react but it is only fan *fiction* after all :) Thanx to: Angel for the beta. Sam and Marty fic my butt! *g* Also thanx to everyone else who offered to beta :)
"Fate has lead you through it, you do what you have to do."
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]