Switching Reality by Carhop

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Story Notes: Spoilers: Point of View, Divide and Conquer; at least season 5.

Feedback would be much appreciated. Please help me get better at this. Profuse thanks to my excellent beta readers, Zoe and StarShadowHE. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
Email: carhop6506@yahoo.com

Switching Reality

I tried my best to create a life for myself, afterward. But the man I agreed to marry left me because he said I was empty, that everything inside me died with you. If only I had.

I spent time with my friends, my teammates, my father, but I was only pretending to join in the fun. They all saw how hollow I was, but thought it would go away in time. I knew better.

I tried to bury myself in a job I'd once loved. They gave me your position, but I was only going through the motions. Sooner or later, someone would die and it would be my fault.

I took to spending all of my time on base, wandering the halls at night when sleep wouldn't come trying, vainly, to forget what was missing. One lonely night I heard your voice and muttered to myself, "This's juuuust wonderful, the perfect end to my career. I wind up in a padded room, screaming your name until my voice is gone."

I continued down the hall, but your voice came again. The words were indistinct, but anguish was in every syllable. I ran toward the door that separated us.

I scrambled for my access card and shakily ran it through the reader. Red light, the door stayed locked. I brushed the card through again and again, until I calmed myself and got the speed right. Green light flashed, and I snatched the door open.

I stood stock still inside the storage room, staring hungrily at you as you knelt in front of me. You crouched there holding my twin in your arms, tears coursing down your cheeks as she died. You spoke again, agony-filled words, "No! You can't die on me, not like this. I never got a chance to tell you that I love you." Your tears fell unheeded on her still face.

I stayed in the shadows in front of the Quantum Mirror so you wouldn't see me. Through it, I saw Teal'c run down the hall toward the room where you clasped her body. Stopping just inside the storage room, he said, "Come, O'Neill. You must leave her. The Goa'uld have been driven back to the gate room, but many Tau'ri have fallen. We need your help to defend the SGC from further incursion." The former Jaffa gently took your shoulders and you laid her down in a pool of cooling blood. You turned away and walked to defend your SGC.

I stared at her for some unknown number of minutes, pondering the differences between our realities. An overwhelming impulse grabbed me and I gave in to it gladly. I touched the mirror and stooped to grasp her shoulders, avoiding the blood-soaked parts of her shirt. I easily lifted her through to my reality and stepped back to hers. Her world needed me, mine didn't. You needed me.

I picked up her discarded zat gun and sprinted toward the gate room. The sounds of gun and staff weapon fire came to me. I slid in behind you and raised the gun to shoot a Jaffa before he killed you. I kept them away from you; let you have your way with the enemy.

I helped you push them back through the Stargate and stood to the side as the exhausted SFs and marines stood in shock after the battle. I turned to go? somewhere, when you, no *he*, saw me. "Sam, you're alive!"

I stood still, then faced him to say, only loud enough for him to hear, "I'm not her? Yeah, I'm Sam Carter, but I'm not your Sam Carter." As this Jack stepped slowly toward me, confusion played across his face. "I came from an alternate universe ? through the Quantum Mirror."

I inched in the direction of the gate room door. Suddenly, my impulse to join him seemed rash. The combined look of incredulity, joy and fear on that beloved face frightened me. Not much scared me, but he did just then. Panicked, I looked to Teal'c for help. His face was hard, unwelcoming. "You do not belong here, MajorCarter."

I cleared my throat and answered his charge with, "I don't belong there anymore either. Let me stay. Please." It was overly dramatic, but I was desperate to escape the non-existence into which your death had dropped me.

I felt his hand on my arm. "Let's talk this over someplace a little more private, Major. Or is it lieutenant colonel?" I nodded. Daniel and Teal'c followed at Jack's gesture. We walked up the winding stairs to the briefing room on level 26.

I glanced around the large table at the "friends" arrayed before me. Teal'c was frowning; Daniel was curious, but friendly. They wanted to know where I was from and why I was there just in the nick of time.

I sucked in a deep breath and started, "I was walking the SGC corridors late one night and heard your voice. When I saw you in the mirror with my double and heard the gunfire, I thought, maybe, there was a place for me here. My life there is empty since?" I broke off for a few seconds to collect myself, staring at my shaking hands. "I'm serving no real purpose, just taking up space."

I paused, waiting for a response. Hearing none, I gathered my thoughts and courage. "You're dead in my reality, assassinated by a Goa'uld spy." Looks of recognition passed between them all. "He pulled you into a crevasse. We couldn't get to you in time."

I looked over at that Jack's gasp. He gazed hard at me as if gauging my truthfulness. "In our reality Teal'c pulled me and the spy to safety just before we fell. The little weasel got away and gave the Goa'uld enough intel for today's little soir,e."

"I ? I think that's the point where our two worlds diverged into separate realities. Sir." It felt strange to think of you as my CO again. I'd grown used to you being "Jack" in my mind. We discussed the details of my defection for some time until Daniel pulled Jack aside for a few heated words.

I was escorted by an SF to the VIP quarters to await a decision. *Her* quarters were not mine to use. Now I knew how Dr. Carter felt - like an interloper. He came for me the next morning, but wouldn't look me in the eye. "Jack? sir, will you support me, help me stay?"

I felt his silence like a condemnation. "Colonel, I'm not trying to take her place with you. I want to make a difference, to help, and I think there's a better chance for that here." He glanced at me, his confusion and grief plain. There was no warmth for me in his gaze.

"I don't see any reason you shouldn't stay, Colonel. She would have wanted you to." We walked in silence until the mess hall was in sight. "I'll speak to the general when he returns from D.C. today."

I said my thanks to his retreating back and walked into the mess hall. Word had spread fast and all eyes were on me. My teammates' doubles waved me over. We chatted, comparing realities. The two were identical until 18 months ago, when you died in mine.

"I've been so lost since he left, empty. After several months, I gave into everyone's nagging and tried seeing someone else. We got engaged, but it didn't work out. He said he couldn't compete with a ghost."

I turned to Teal'c when he cleared his throat. "So, when you saw MajorCarter and O'Neill in the Quantum Mirror, you thought to take her place?"

I rushed to reassure them. "No! I only want to be with him, be a friend and be a member of a whole SG-1. Not the shambles his death left." I was close to tears, although I'd thought myself long since cried out. "Excuse me. I'm not hungry."

I left my untouched breakfast and returned with my escort to the VIP quarters. The day passed slowly with nothing to do. I knew they'd never give me my laptop or let me go to my ? her lab until General Hammond and the powers that be approved my presence.

I woke from a light doze when Daniel knocked. At my invitation, he entered the spare room to say, "Sam, they've agreed to a probationary period for you. If everything goes well, you'll be allowed to stay and take up our Sam's life. It'll be much easier to explain your presence that way."

I nodded acceptance of the provision, too emotional to say anything. Ever my friend, Daniel sat next to me and pulled me into a warm hug.

"I? thank you, Daniel," was all I could get through the thickness in my throat.

I pulled back from the hug to wipe tears away and he added, "Janet's ready to give you a checkup and make sure you're really you." His mouth twitched into a half-smile at the necessity of the precaution.

"I understand. We've had visitors from other realities, too." After straightening my clothes and combing my hair, I walked with my friend and the ever-present SF to the infirmary.

I passed the DNA tests, of course, but got the usual admonitions from Janet. "You're not eating enough and you look like you haven't slept in days." She handed me some pills to sleep better and lectured me on proper nutrition.

"I get it, Janet!" They were surprised at my outburst, a stranger to them. My head hung in embarrassment. "I ? I'm sorry. You're right; I haven't slept well in over a year. You're just so like my Janet. She says all of the same things to me; the weekly sermon on my weight and sleeping enough. She threatens to take me off of active duty on a regular basis."

I looked up at her to see a wry smile. "Just see that you start taking *my* orders, Colonel, or I *will* ground you." Her smile turned to a stern look before Janet spun on her heel and marched briskly back to her office.

I vowed to myself to follow her prescriptions religiously because I didn't want to let down *this* world, squandering my second chance. The next day, Colonel O'Neill allowed me to go through the other Sam's lab and computer to bring myself up to speed on her projects. I found that my progress on several things was months ahead of hers. I'd had nothing else to do with my time there but work.

I threw myself into the job again and made dramatic steps forward. After several weeks, the colonel allowed me to join SG-1 off world. Seems he couldn't find another scientist he could stand to have around.

I was content to simply be with your double, no attachments except as teammates. The months passed just as they had before your death, and my heart was slowly healing. At long last, the general evaluated my performance and he gave me her life to live as my own.

I returned to the familiar surroundings of *our* home, hers and now mine, to find my friends had been busy cleaning the long-empty house and restocking it. "Guys, it looks great. Thank you," I said, humbled by their gesture. "Can you stay to dinner?"

I looked at each one and saw acceptance, of my invitation and of me. It was grudging on the colonel's part, but there, nonetheless.

****************************

I'd been in this reality for exactly one year when I watched him walk away from our off- world camp. Daniel strolled over to me and urged, "Go after him, Sam. He really needs to talk about it with you."

I looked to Teal'c for confirmation, which he gave with a solemn nod. Not without some trepidation, I followed the colonel to a small copse of cedar trees. He said, not even turning to face me, "Go away, Colonel. I want to be alone for a while." He never called me Carter.

"I can't let you do that, sir. You shouldn't be alone now." I settled on a log near where he sat on a ledge of stone that jutted out over the small stream. We sat in silence for some time, absorbing the stillness of the sylvan setting.

I ended the silence, "Tell me about her. Tell me what you would have told her if you'd had the chance."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Colonel." Nonchalantly, he pulled his cap over his eyes and slid down, arms crossed over his chest, as though to take a nap.

"I do. Don't think of me as her double. Talk to me as if I'm her sister or just another friend," I tried as persuasively as I knew how. "Come on, you know you want to, Jack."

"I'm not sure Jack is the appropriate form of address for your commanding officer, Colonel." His voice was cold, hard.

"I'm sorry, sir. I ? I got used to thinking of you that way over the past couple of years since my Jack died." He rolled onto his side and again looked at me as if to assess my sincerity. I cleared my throat to get rid of the inevitable lump. "I won't call you that if it bothers you."

"I don't really mind. I never could talk her into calling me that," he said wistfully, his mood changing rapidly.

I smiled sadly and said, "I used the same strategy to keep my defenses in place against my Colonel O'Neill. I never dared let them slip even the tiniest bit." The memory of the time I wasted hurt so much.

I looked sidelong at the colonel, afraid of his reaction. Silly me, I hadn't expected sarcasm. "What's the matter? You thought he'd hit on you if you called him Jack?"

I snorted and replied, "No, I thought it more likely that if I relaxed too much, I'd jump him some evening after a glass of wine or two." That seemed to surprise him somehow, which in turn surprised me. "What? You never figured out that she wanted you as much as you wanted her?"

"I knew she had some feelings for me after the Za'tarc thing, but never figured she really? you know." Typical O'Neill.

I laid my forehead down on my raised knees and breathed deeply to keep the anguish out of my voice. "Loved you? I can tell you from personal experience that she loved you very much. Nothing would have made her happier than to be free to tell you how much."

I turned my head to the side to gaze at the man sitting across the stream. His only comment was an amazed, "Sweet."

I'm afraid I laughed then. "Oh, what a foolish and miserable pair we are, perpetually mourning our lost loves. You know, I actually came to this world hoping that just being near you would make it easier to go on."

I heard your sharp intake of breath. He sat up and asked, "Has it helped?"

"I actually think it has," my voice shook, "I still miss him so much, but it's easier to get up and face each day, to take pleasure in life again. Hey, Janet hasn't threatened to force feed me or take me off of active duty in almost nine months."

I could swear I heard a chuckle from his direction. That was the last sound either of us made for some time. Darkness crept up on us as we sat there. Finally, he stood and came over to offer me a hand. I took it and he helped me up.

"I think it's time we went back ? Sam. Daniel should have dinner ready by now." Your double grinned at me and squeezed my hand.

I smiled my best smile at him. "I agree, Jack. I'm starving!" Things weren't perfect for either of us, but we could both stand to go on living now. Having lost our loves, we'd each gained a friend. We walked back to camp, just two friends taking a walk on a beautiful night.

~~ Finis~~

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