Prolog:
How to Propose to the Man You Love in Four Easy Steps By Major Doctor Samantha Carter With special help from Doctor Daniel Jackson
Step Number One:
Have the General of the base you work at send your soon-to-be fiancée away on a little Capitol Hill reconn.
Step Number Two:
Have the same General order all SG teams to help decorate the mess hall and make a banner that says 'I love you Jack, will you marry me?'
Step Number Three:
If the man you love happens to come back early, have the General get someone to distract him while you set things up.
Step Number Four:
If steps on through three don't work, lock yourself in a storage room with him until he comes to his senses or the medics have to come in after you. (And, by the way, you can proceed with step four even if you have been successful with the first three steps!)
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Funny isn't it? It looked so easy written down on paper. But even the simplest plan can be chaotic when put into motion. That's how it was with Major Sam Carter. She had planned it all down to the minutest of details. The woman had thought of every possible thing, except one: Colonel Jack O'Neill coming back two days early.
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Jack O'Neill stepped out of the elevator rather cheery considering the fact that he had to talk to a bunch of overstuffed political shirts. Maybe it was because he was beck at the base, but then again, it was more likely the fact that he's be seeing Sam. After spending so much time together when he was separated from them, he actually missed them.
Upon taking a few steps down the hall, he was bulldozed by First Lieutenant Jonnette 'Jett' McGuire. The officer hadn't even been aware that anyone was coming. She was too busy helping Carter with the decorations and party favors for the celebration after Jack said yes. So serfise it to say that she was a little surprised to see the Colonel standing there, holding her steady. Jett let out a loud, ear-piercing squeal and almost fainted.
"Woe there Lieutenant! Is everything all right Jett? You don't look well." She blinked at him a couple of times and started to tremble. If she let out the secret, Sam would never talk to her again or kill her or worse; she would do both. "I-I, Colonel! What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back until Friday!"
Jack chuckled warmly at her, but was a little confused. This wasn't the first episode like that. He'd been getting weird looks all over the base, but none as strange as this one.
He gave her an odd little grin and shrugged. "I got done a little early, besides, I work here, where else would I be?" O'Neill looked around. "Where are you going in such a hurry, Lieutenant? Got a date?"
Jett blushed a deep pink and stammered. "N-n-n-no! Just... helping a friend." She looked behind his shoulder and shook her head. When Jack tried to turn around, Jett grabbed his hand and pumped it like a water spicket. "Well, I've got to get going sir. Nice to see you back here COLONEL O'NEILL!" she yelled the last part then took off.
A little deaf and very confused, the Colonel stood there staring after her. The confusion escalated when a very peculiar message over the intercom. "We have a code brown! I repeat, we have a code brown!"
Daniel strolled by just as O'Neill was heading to the mess hall. "Jack! It's so good to see you. What's it been? Two, three days?" The archeologist was heading Jack in the opposite way he wanted to go. "Yes, it has been. Hey Daniel, what's a code brown? I've never heard that before. And why are you steering me away from the mess hall, I want a cup of coffee!"
"Well Jack to answer your first question, I came up with the code brown. It means...what the HELL does it mean? Oh, yeah! It means that we're out of toilet paper. It's new, so you've never heard it before. And why am I steering you away from the mess hall? Well...the coffee is bad."
Jack shook his head slightly and pulled away from his friend. "Of course the coffee's bad, it's a long military tradition and you especially should know about bad military rations. Remember your macaroni and cheese or should I say you chicken flavored macaroni and cheese?"
Dr. Jackson floundered. "But... the General wants to see you. Yeah, that's it! General Hammond wants to see you."
"What about Danny boy?"
He shrugged. "Don't know. Come on." They walked to the General's office getting quite a few gasps, looks of absolute terror and an occasional scream of 'Oh my god!' Let's just say that by the time Hammond opened his door, Jack was sure he'd grown two heads, and extra eye and possibly even a hump on his back.
"Sir, you wanted to see me?" O'Neill asked, loosening his tie.
The General shot Daniel a puzzled look like he had no clue as to what Jackson was talking about. "Didn't you want him to de-brief you on his trip?"
"Oh, yeah. Why don't you tell me all about you talks with the politicians? Did everything go well?"
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Down at the other end of the mountain base, Major Carter was running around shouting orders. "Teal'c I need you to hang this garland up about one foot apart all over the ceiling. Jett, make sure that they spell everything right. I don't want it to say Jake instead of Jack. I've got to go get into my dress and put on my make-up. Now look alive people!" She clapped her hands.
It had to be adrenaline alone that kept her going. When she'd heard the code brown alert, she had wondered what that meant. Then she had stopped and thought about it. Brown, BROWN! As in Jack's brown eyes?! Oh, he couldn't possibly be back so soon. That hope was destroyed when Jett came running in. "You'll never believe it! Colonel O'Neill is here!"
Now, as she fit herself into the beautiful dark blue dress that she had seen in a window at a very well known shop, she couldn't help but think about how this had happened.
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SG-1 had been gone for only a few hours and Hammond was getting ready to send SG-3 to randevue with Colonel O'Neill when the sirens went off, signaling an incoming traveler.
To his dismay, it was SG-1 and Teal'c was carrying his Colonel over his shoulder. "We need a medical team in the gateroom! Major, what happened?"
Jack was rushed to the infirmary while Daniel and Teal'c told the General about the rogue sniper. "Sam just took him down with one shot." The Jafa nodded. "It was most impressive."
"Where is the Major?" Both men glanced toward the infirmary where Carter sat outside the doors waiting for a word from Janet.
General Hammond grabbed hold of her shoulder. "Have you told him that you love him?" Sam gave him a look of terror. "No," she said quietly. "How could I? It's against regulation and why would he want me anyway?"
"Well, I'll tell you a couple of things. First off, don't worry about the regulations let me do that. If I seriously thought that it would keep you two from performing at your highest potential, I'd ship one of you to a different team. But we both know that would never happen. The second thing is that that man in there loves you so much. I know he does, but he's too stubborn to admit it so it's up. What are you going to do about it?"
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That was how operation Jack's Banner came about. It was Daniel's idea about he banner. Carter had been asking for suggestions on how to tell Jack she loved him. Jackson had commented that she should just write it on a banner and she was. SG-2 through 8 was to hold the banner. The last two pieces, 'me' and the questions mark were to be held by Janet and Hammond and Daniel and Teal'c.
Looking into the mirror, she was quiet happy with her appearance. If she wanted to get this attention, she was certainly going to succeed. Sam had curled her short, blond hair, allowing apiece here and there to fall forward across her forehead. The dress she was wearing fit her like a glove and brought out her blue eyes. Her make-up was also done with care and considering that she never wore it around the base, she was sure to at least get an eyebrow raise from Jack.
Some arguing from out side told her she didn't have anymore time to worry. It was now or never to confess her love.
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General Hammond looked down at his watch. Good grief! He had only wasted an hour? That was it? It meant he had to keep Colonel O'Neill out of the mess hall for two more hours. What could he possibly do to keep O'Neill busy for two hours, for 120 minutes? What possible psychotic thing...that's it!
Hammond picked up his phone and spoke into it. Five seconds later, a woman with brown hair came in. She stood about 5'8 and looked to be very military. This was exactly what they needed.
"Colonel Jack O'Neill, I would like you to meet Captain Ashley Pierce. Captain Pierce is new to the SGC and I thought that it would be great for you to get to know each other since I've been entertaining the idea of putting her on your team. And since you have been filling us in on every little, single detail of your trip," he had to keep from groaning at the thought. "She'll talk, you listen." He was about to exit when a thought hit him. Should he? Why the hell not?
"Oh and Captain? Why don't you show the Colonel your video? I've heard it's quiet... interesting?" The General tried to make it sound like he really thought it was good, not a question. He was seriously beginning to have doubts about this, but he had promised Major Carter and he figured a mad Colonel was better than a pissed off Major.
Captain Pierce nodded and once Hammond left the room, got a, dare it be evil grin on her face? "Colonel O'Neill, do you believe in Satan?" Jack gave her a blank stare like he had no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she's a little on the weird side. With all the new religions out there, de didn't know if she worshipped the devil or not.
"Umm... no?" O'Neill asked her, not sure of his answer. If he said no, would the Captain go postal on him? "Well, now you can say you've met her." The Colonel blinked at her as if he hadn't heard her correctly. "Excuse me? What did you say?"
Ashley flashed a truly evil smile at him and in that moment, he thought that she could really be the demonic one. "I said I'm Satan also known as the Devil, but I prefer Satan. Would you be interested in worshipping me?" The questions hung in the air between them before Pierce laughed.
"I'm just asking. Anyway, sir, watch this video, it's a real laugh." The movie started and it was entitled, 'Peg-legged nuns on ice.'
It started out showing a very muscular hockey team. Those guys were mean! Though, not as mean as the opposing team. The nuns with the wooden legs had foam coming out of their mouths and were making faces that would scare even the most holy of monks.
One of the nuns, later Ashley told him it was a friend of hers, showed the other team what she would do with her crucifix if she got the chance. This was a really demented film that got weird as Jack found out who the goalie of the nun's team was. The pope came out and gave the other team the birds with both hands and said 'bless you.'
There was one scene in particular that had O'Neill wondering what he had to deserve this. The pope was speaking in polish and everyone had their heads bowed. He really seemed to be getting into it and most of it was directed at the other team. That was when one of the announcers, Ashley, started to talk about it. "I think he must be saying a prayer about giving the other team luck or something, don't you agree Paul? Wait... we have a report from a polish speaking member of the audience, he has informed us that what the pope is saying is not a pray, I repeat, the pope is not saying a pray do not say amen after he is done!"
By far, the biggest highlight was the fight that started between the nuns and the professional hockey team. Grown men were crying as mother superiors and sisters of divine orders were beating the shit out of them. Even the ref, a father from the local perish, got into the fight and stabbed a nun, who had high sticked him, with a cross.
Jack looked at the screen when the movie was over. Even closing his eyes didn't relieve his mind of the sight he had seen. Good lord, was Hammond out of his mind hiring her?
"So, what did you think Colonel? Pretty good huh? Colonel O'Neill? Are you all right?" Jack got up and tried not to run out of the room, but it was hard task to complete. "I've got to get some coffee!"
Ashley phoned the General. "Sir, I kept him as long as I could, but it's up to you now. I hope Major Carter is finished." Hammond laughed on the on the other end of the line. "She's got it all set, he's on his way down?" Captain Pierce gave him an affirmative. "Good, then you better come down, you'll want to see this. And thank you for helping out. We couldn't do it without you."
Pierce hung up the phone. "Damn straight you couldn't."
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Sam watched from a slight crack in the door as Jack stared blankly at the banner being held by six of the SG teams. She had to admit the mess hall looked great with the hearts, garland, and floating candles.
The Major snuck up behind O'Neill and got down on her knees. She glanced around the back of Jack to see everyone smiling brightly as she opened up the ring box. "So Jack," her voice was unsteady at first, but got stronger. "What do you say? Will you marry me and be the father of my children? Will you hold my head when I get sick or look at me and tell me I'm beautiful when I'm bloated and weigh five extra pounds? Will you love me forever?"
There was a silence in the room as everyone held their breath, willing him to say yes. Jack smiled; his eyes showing with unshed tears of happiness. "I already do Sam. I have for a long, long time." She got up and held the beautiful gold ring she had made for him. It had some Egyptian writing on it that said, Sam told him, 'I will love you for as long as the sun rises and all eternity.'
The Colonel grabbed her and kissed her deeply until she was breathless. When he let go, he breathed into her ear. "I love you so much Samantha. I've been in love with you since I first say you and every day I thank God that you're in my life."
Hammond came up to them and put his arm around Jack's shoulders. "You had us scared there for a minute son. We thought you might need someone to help pull your head out of your ass." O'Neill laughed, "No sir, I was still reeling from that video that Captain Pierce showed me."
General Hammond sipped his drink. "About that, I'm sorry I had to put you through that, but I did promise the Major that I would keep you busy until she was ready." Jack grabbed Carter's hand. "Just promise me one thing sir, you won't put Ashley on SG-1. I seriously think that girl comes from a peanut farm. Have you given her a psychological profile? Did she pass?"
"Son, Captain Pierce isn't crazy, she just acts like it. And she won't be on your team, she is going to be helping Doctor Fraiser in the infirmary." Colonel O'Neill shuddered. Captain Ashley Pierce with a free rein on any scalpel her heart wanted, that was an ugly thought.
Sam tugged on his hand and he knew she wanted some time alone with him. They made their way to the door where they were stopped by Teal'c. "O'Neill, Major, I am most glad that you are now betrothed to one another." Their Jafa friend stated. "Thanks big guy," the Major said and patted him on the back. "We'll talk to you later, but right now, Jack has to de-brief me on what happened with the new Captain."
When they got down the hall a ways, Samantha stopped at a storage closet. O'Neill gave her a questioning look, but only saw desire glazed blue eyes looking back at him with just a touch of evil lurking in their depths. "I'm about to all the misery you had to go through up to you." And with that, she pulled him with her into the closet.
Epilogue:
Jack gazed at the little booklet sitting on Sam's end table. The title read: How to Propose the Man you Love in Four Easy Steps. By Major Doctor Samantha Carter with special help from Doctor Daniel Jackson.
So, Daniel helped her with the plan? He'd have to get back at the space monkey later after he helped him plan the engagement party. He needed something spectacular and he needed it to be a surprise. But how do I keep Sam busy for two or three hours?
That's when the idea came to him and he grinned evilly as he dialed the base. "Yes, could I please speak with Captain Ashley Pierce?"
The End
Story Notes: Rated PG-13 for some cussing and violence involving the Pope.
WARNING: If you get offended easily with people making fun of religions, then don't read this. We do not mean to upset anyone and please do not take this personally.
This story is dedicated to our friend Ashley Pierce. Ashley is somewhat eccentric if I do say so and I do. The character with the same name in the story fits her to a 'T'.
Enjoy.
WARNING: If you get offended easily with people making fun of religions, then don't read this. We do not mean to upset anyone and please do not take this personally.
This story is dedicated to our friend Ashley Pierce. Ashley is somewhat eccentric if I do say so and I do. The character with the same name in the story fits her to a 'T'.
Enjoy.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]