I fired the killing shot.
From the refuge of Janet's arms I stare at my hands, stained with his blood, and shake, sobs tearing out of me, seemingly without end. The others hurt him so badly, but I fired the killing shot.
The tiny remnant of Jolinar shrieks within me, insisting that Martouf cannot be dead, and I throw back my head and keen with grief. That the Goa'uld did this to him, forcing me to give him the only help I could --?
If Apophis is ever at my mercy, I shudder to think what I'll do to him. No mercy, no quarter. I don't feel human right now and I don't have any compassion left.
It's been too much, too overwhelming, having to confront Jack -- Colonel O'Neill, I can't think of him as Jack, I can't! -- about things that should have been left hidden and unsaid... then the realization that the one person vulnerable to brainwashing was the Tok'ra I trusted most, apart from my father.
Dad should be here soon, although Anise has already taken the body back through the Stargate for testing, to see if she can find a better way to identify a Zatarc than digging around through people's most personal memories. Janet is doing her best to comfort me, but she's so tiny. I need stronger arms than hers right now, and not Colonel O'Neill's. I couldn't take that just now.
Martouf. He was on his knees, struggling against it, and said my name like a prayer, voice trembling, begging for my help. The zat was in my hand. His wounds were so terrible. I wanted to heal him, to take away what had been done to him, and his eyes were so fearful and pleading. The only mercy I could give him was death.
There's blood on my shirt and pants, as well as my hands.
I knelt on the hard concrete floor, his body resting against me, holding his head, pressing my hand against his shoulder. He was still so warm, but those clear grey eyes were closed, and the lips that had told me how fond he was of me were still. I held him, looking helplessly up at the others, feeling raw and exposed by their gaze.
Oh my God. I have so many of Jolinar's memories, the feelings of love and passion that she had for him, but the only time I held him in my arms, he was already dead.
Anise, Janet, and Teal'c now know what I've tried denying, even to myself. O'Neill, admitting that he cares for me, and me all but saying out loud that I love my commanding officer. I practically killed myself with work while he was trapped on Edora, and he would have died with me rather than leave me to the Jaffa. But the way things are right now, all we'll have is unending frustration and pain, made even worse by the fact that we know how the other feels.
But Martouf? Even knowing how I feel about Jack, how I'm drawn to him against my better judgment, how alive he makes me feel, how much I do love him -- we can't act on those feelings, we can't love each other without betraying the regulations that are a part of who we are. I could have loved Martouf with no censure, except for a pair of brown eyes that would have accepted my decision, yet longed for me nonetheless.
I have the memories, I felt love towards him, even knowing that this knowledge was not my own. Now I must live with the memory of his eyes, begging me for help, asking for oblivion against the horrors he had committed. I responded the only way I could. I set him free.
And now my memories are of a hesitant smile, a walk in the desert. His soft flowing voice. Holding his hand, twice. The possibilities of what might have been, destroyed, his blood staining my body and soul, and the recoil of the zat in my hand as I gave him the mercy he asked me for.
Janet's arms tighten around me as my tears dampen her shoulder and I gasp in shock and horror at what I had to do. Inside, I'm praying for whatever gods or goddesses there are to give me some grace, to change what has happened. But the gods are either silent, or they aren't there at all. There is nothing for me.
Mercy, I beg of them-- knowing there will be no forgiveness, no reply -- unending tears burning my eyes. Mercy.
The End
Story Notes: Email: acheek@home.com
Status: complete
Archive: SJA & Heliopolis, all others contact me for permission first.
Season/Sequel Info: 4th season.
Spoilers: A Hundred Days, Upgrades, Divide and Conquer
Copyright (c) 2000 A. Cheek acheek@home.com
Author's Notes: Feedback is good. I have a thick skin, or at least I usually do, so don't be afraid to be critical. This was written after watching Divide & Conquer twice in one night and crying my eyes out over the waste of one of my all-time favorite characters.
Status: complete
Archive: SJA & Heliopolis, all others contact me for permission first.
Season/Sequel Info: 4th season.
Spoilers: A Hundred Days, Upgrades, Divide and Conquer
Copyright (c) 2000 A. Cheek acheek@home.com
Author's Notes: Feedback is good. I have a thick skin, or at least I usually do, so don't be afraid to be critical. This was written after watching Divide & Conquer twice in one night and crying my eyes out over the waste of one of my all-time favorite characters.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]