If Joe hadn't turned off his bedside lamp sometime around 1 am, I might have stayed up reading all night. Not that the latest novel was any great literary piece - they called it 'trashy romance' for a very good reason - but at least it kept my mind off... other things. Things that seemed to spring up only after the hustle and bustle of the day was done. Things that I had been trying to forget about for the past 10 years.
But Joe was making a statement when he turned off his light, burrowing under the covers, turning on his side. So I folded the corner of the page to mark my place, setting the paperback in its nightstand drawer before switching off my own lamp with a gentle *click*.
Starlight filtered in through the window, fringed by the fronds of trees outside, but for all intents and purposes the room was dark. Half-shadows leapt at me; familiar objects became threats. Life took on a surreal twist that I - perversely enough - enjoyed.
My closet - door hanging slightly ajar - was a cavernous maw where a Jaffa - or a Gou'ald - might be poised to strike. My jewelry box on the dresser top was a naqueda reactor waiting to be dismantled. And the man laying with me in my bed was my colonel, Jack O'Neill.
Perceptions twisted; fantasy blurring with reality...
It was my fear that had led me to this place: fear of consequences, fear of the unknown. Somehow, that didn't seem right: that a marriage should based on apprehension and alarm. Maybe it was the reason THIS marriage had never seemed truly RIGHT. I had enjoyed being courted, I had loved being engaged... but in my heart of hearts I had always expected Jack O'Neill to ride up on his white horse long before the vows were ever spoken.
But I had forgotten one important fact: Jack O'Neill is nobody's Prince Charming. Least of all mine.
He hadn't even responded to the wedding invitation. But considering that my whole relationship with Joe had, from the very start, been a game to win my Colonel's jealousy and therefore assure his affection, I couldn't exactly complain. I got what I deserved. And I felt horrible thinking about it that way.
More often than not, lying in this dark room, facing away from my husband, yet ANOTHER argument stirring the space between us, I thought about what could have been done differently. Not just to change us - because I DID love Joe, I really did - but to change it all. Everything. If I hadn't been so adamant about leaving it in the room. If we hadn't grown so emotionally detached to compensate for our illicit feelings... If we HADN'T GONE to that damn PLANET.
Joe said when he proposed to me that he knew what he was getting into, who he was going up again. He never really believed me when I'd told him that there had been nothing sexual - physically sexual - between my Colonel and I. He just smiled that bold, brilliant smile of his, took my hand, and promised that, with him, I'd forget all about the emotional minefield that was Jack O'Neill.
That was what I had been betting on. It's probably why I told him 'yes'.
But it never happened.
I don't think he meant to lie to me... I think he actually thought he could make me forget. I don't think it's his fault; if I blame anyone, I blame myself for not knowing my own heart better. None of this is BECAUSE of Joe. But making me forget about Jack is a campaign promise he's never kept. And he knows it. And on nights like this, I tend to think he's given up. On it. On me. On us.
I turn onto my side, trying to ignore the Jaffa, the naqueda reactor, my husband, and the glowing red display of the digital clock. Morning comes all too quickly these days, because no matter how reluctant I am to turn off the light and put the book away, it's well worth the risk. Worth the fear. The dark, twisted, blurred nights, and all the dreams within, are the only times when I can be with my Colonel.
Fini -- please send feedback to a_hodge@uop.edu
Story Notes: a_hodge@uop.edu
Spoilers: 2010 (see Summary)
Archive: S&J, Heliopolis: yes. Others, please let me know.
Feedback: It keeps my motor running.
Spoilers: 2010 (see Summary)
Archive: S&J, Heliopolis: yes. Others, please let me know.
Feedback: It keeps my motor running.
End Notes: "Looking back, I have this to regret, That too often when I loved, I did not say so." -- David Grayson
http://www.geocities.com/rainrobinson/ AIMSN: UST Calliope
http://www.geocities.com/rainrobinson/ AIMSN: UST Calliope
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]