The Nature of Family
I'm awakened by the sound of the Colonel standing and stretching. He doesn't yet know that I'm awake and so I continue my charade. I can feel the early morning sun warm on my face and I'm determined to enjoy it as long as I can.
He moves to brush the hair from my brow and drop a soft kiss there before whispering something about going home to change and then pickup Teal'c. He knows I'm faking, but after the events of last night, he's willing to let it pass.
I hear the quiet sounds of the hospital as he opens the door to leave. A voice over the intercom paging one of the doctors, the squeak of rubber soles as a nurse walks past my room pushing a cart. Then the door closes and I'm alone again with my thoughts. I want to move, to curl up in the sunbeam that has so kindly infiltrated my little cocoon, but as I so I'm reminded of the reason for my stay here. I'm sore and tired and my IV site is itching. So I decide to lie where I am, safe in the knowledge that I am okay and that my exhaustion is born of a hard-won battle. Besides, it won't be long before my family is here at my side. I might as well enjoy the quiet while I can.
Family. It amazes me how much the definition of a word can change over the course of a few years. Ask any first grader what is family and they will tell you that it is a mother, a father, sisters and brothers, and maybe even the pet dog. These days, there will probably be one or two who will include a second mother or father, various combinations of stepsiblings and/or grandparents into the mix. That evolution is to be expected. These families are a natural product of our society. It is the evolution of my own family that surprises me.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would consider a curious archeologist who speaks twenty three-odd languages and has a pretty hefty caffeine addiction more of a brother to me than Mark, I would have laughed. Not that Mark and I got along so famously the last few years, but that I would have confided in Daniel some of my deepest secrets, or held some of the most heated arguments with him. Mark's a good guy, but fate dealt us a cruel hand and I don't think he ever really got over Mom's death. He's got a family of his own now, a traditional little domestic situation with the two kids, nice wife and the whole white picket fence thing. It's his little grasp at normalcy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him. It's just not what I would have chosen. It's not what I have chosen.
Daniel understands that. We talked about it once, what it would mean for either of us to just give up the program, walk away and meet someone and settle down. Neither of us could picture it. His heart still belongs to Sha're, no matter how long she's been gone, it wouldn't be right to give someone else only the last few broken fragments. He said he couldn't imagine a normal life outside of work. But I think he's partly wrong on that account. There's a certain doctor who's helped to mend those pieces, even if sometimes it was literal. And what's considered odd to the rest of the world has become commonplace to us here at the SGC. They'll adapt.
As for myself, how would I explain to my potential husband that I was once the host to an alien symbiote who tried to steal my body, only to leave her life's memories in my head when she died, saving my own in the process? 'Gee honey, it must have been a dream. I don't know anything about some guy named Martouf.' Right. That'd make for a great scene.
And speaking of aliens, what about Teal'c? What about him. A brother is not quite the word I would use to describe him, but an uncle or cousin is too far removed. Sometimes I can't decide if he's SG-1's little innocent babe in the woods with his unbridled curiosity about Earth and her cultures. He's like a kid in a candy store when presented with new experiences. Granted, he's a very well behaved kid, but a kid nonetheless. Then there are other times where he is as wise as the hills with his schooled expressions and profound answers. Either way, he is family to me. Always there at your side in a crises or a tragedy. And believe me, we've had more than our fair share of those.
Like with Cassandra. Oh sure, he wasn't as vocal as the Colonel, or as much of a shoulder to lean on as Daniel, but he was there in his own silent way, watching, observing, and at the very last, commenting. Maternal instincts, my ass. Okay, maybe there was something to that. I know I denied it when he brought it up, but the truth is that I did feel some connection to Cassie. I just didn't know the name for it at the time.
I can feel the smile on my face as I inch towards the side of the bed where the sunlight has now fallen. Yeah, this family of mine just keeps getting bigger and bigger as we traipses our way through the galaxy, picking up people like lint on a piece of tape. And I'm so fortunate that it has. Even on some of the worst days when I felt just like hanging up my fatigues for good, I'd go spend an hour or two with Cassie and somehow things would all be put into perspective. There are reasons we do what we do. For me, Cassie is one of them. She's grown up so much over the years, but even knowing that she is now a beautiful and smart young woman, I couldn't help but feel a tiny pang of grief for the years gone by as I watched her file through during her high school graduation. Is this how mothers feel when their babies grow up and leave the nest? I can only imagine how Janet feels to see the daughter she never thought she'd have leave for college.
And then there's Selmack. The first time we met a Goa'uld, all I felt was revulsion and horror at that vicious little snake that had taken over Kawalsky. How could I have known that one day a member of the same species would be what saved my father's life? Even the warmth of the sun can't keep away the shivers as I remember how close I came to losing my father without having the chance to get to know him the way I do now. I owe that to Selmack. She cured him of his leukemia and brought out some of his better personality traits, and I suspect, some of my own. After the joining we spent some time together, just the two, well three of us, talking things out, arguing, opening old wounds. Selmack was the perfect mediator, and after all was said and done we were closer than ever. But I'd learned that we were all living on borrowed time and that we needed to make the most of it. I cherish each and every one of his visits, no matter how short his stay. I know all to easily how quickly life can slip away when we're not looking. I hope the Colonel was able to get a message through to him. I'd like to see my dad again.
Thinking about the Colonel brings another smile to my lips. Even after all these years I still call him that. Sure, I call him Jack when we're alone, but Colonel has become a term of endearment. Our own private joke, if you will.
Most of the people close to us will tell you that it was inevitable. I tend to agree. There was a certain intensity between us from the moment I first laid eyes on him. To say you could have cut the air with a knife when we were in a room together would have been an understatement. Sure, it wasn't as obvious if Daniel or Teal'c were there, they seemed to have a calming effect on us, but you could tell that they felt it too. Sooner or later, something had to give.
And give it did. We'd braved alien viruses, Goa'uld infestations and attacks, not to mention more than our share of irate natives. Who would have thought that it would be something as simple as an argument during a routine mission, a walk in the forest, if you will, that brought us together. It wasn't a passionate-fireworks-inducing-throw-me-on-the-ground-and-go-at-it moment. Just a simple shared look and the realization that we were already closer than any married couple around, that we'd held each others life in our hands more times than either of us could count, and that we would continue to do that no matter what. There would never be another person who could understand me the way that he could. No one else could catch the meaning of his glance or the quirk of his brow like I can. We don't need words. We just knew. This is what normal is to me.
Did we get married and live happily ever after? No. Well, not officially. On paper I'm still Carter and, despite my teasing, he's still O'Neill. No one outside the SGC is the wiser, not even our neighbors. There was a ceremony, a joining of our own. My dad was there, so were the guys. We pledged our loyalty to each other, but it was merely a formality. After all, we'd been proving it since our first mission together. Add one more to my growing family.
I sigh out loud. There is no more prolonging it. The sun has already passed by my window and I'm forced to open my eyes and face the day. I can tell by the cards and flowers that I've had visitors while I was asleep. They've probably gone home now to rest; keeping vigil takes a lot out of a person, but I know they wouldn't have it any other way. I also know they'll be back soon and that my little bit of time alone is almost over.
A soft knock at the door confirms my suspicions as a nurse enter with a small bundle in her arms.
"Someone's decided that Mom has had enough sleep," she tells me as she hands me my son. I smile my thanks and she leaves us alone. Jack will be back soon with Daniel and Teal'c in tow, to show him off, but for now this moment is mine alone and I want to spend it getting to know this newest member of my family.
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the end
Story Notes: WANING: Small ones for language
End Notes: comments? nic_leonoff@hotmail.com
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