The Right Thing
Sam Carter wandered aimlessly through the dim, cool tunnels of the Tok'ra base searching for a place of refuge. Somewhere she could drop the facade of the always in control Major Sam Carter, scientist and solider, and allow herself the luxury of being Samantha Carter, the woman. She dodged several Tok'ra, busily on their way to somewhere else within the labyrinth of tunnels, and ducked into a small alcove. Lowering herself to the cool floor, she brought her knees up under her chin and wrapped her arms around them. It was almost over. In the medical chamber, several tunnels over from her current position, the symbiote named Kanan had been successfully blended with Colonel O'Neill and even now was beginning to rid the colonel of the virus. Soon Kanan, through O'Neill, would reveal the vital information he had gathered during his last, ill-fated mission and then... and then? "Yeah, Carter," she murmured aloud, "What then?" Then, she thought, he's gonna be really, really pissed. More then once, the colonel had made his feelings about being a host perfectly clear. ' Over his dead body' was the term he used most often, in fact, it was what he'd said only hours ago, in the infirmary when she'd stood at his bedside and explained the plan to him. And when he'd said that, she thought, I pushed him. Major Samantha Carter, the good little solider, pushed Colonel O'Neill into accepting a Tok'ra symbiote. I pleaded with him to allow the blending, for the good of the war against the Gou'ald. And now, as she waited for him to regain consciousness, doubt and not a small amount of nervousness began to batter her defenses. Had he really agreed to this? Had he been fully aware of her words? "I heard him say yes," she murmured. 'If you did, you have better ears than most,' She heard the words inside her head, in her own voice, as though her conscience were a living entity separate from herself. Sighing gustily, she ran her hand through her short, cropped hair. "Go away!" she snapped aloud, earning a startled look from a Tok'ra who walked past her hidey-hole. She choked back the half-sob, half-laugh that threatened as he hurried away from her. "Get a grip, Carter," she muttered. It's a win-win scenario. The symbiote will save Colonel O'Neill's life and we'll have valuable new information to use against the Gou'ald. You made the correct tactical choice, she thought. A short bitter laugh bubbled up. And what about Jack? When he gets over being royally pissed--if he gets over it--will he agree? Will he resent me for manipulating him? In the past five years, Colonel Jack O'Neill had gone from being her commanding officer, to being...what exactly? A good friend certainly and...someone she cared about. 'Someone I care about more then I'm supposed to--a lot more, a whole lot more.' She heard the words inside her head--her damned conscience speaking out of turn again. She pressed her lips together in an unforgiving line. 'It wasn't all for the mission; you know better than that. It was for him--it was for you.' The thought bubbled to the top of her conscious mind, despite her effort to suppress it. She raised her head and leaned back against the cool crystalline surface of the alcove. "For crying out loud, Carter," she snapped aloud, in an unconscious imitation of O'Neill, "Be honest with yourself." "You're in love with the guy," she said more softly. Irrevocably, head over heels in love, she thought. 'And you can't have him. Not now, maybe not ever.' "This really sucks," she muttered as her inner voice hissed in her ear. "Shut up, damn it!" she hissed back, rubbing the heel of her hand against her eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears. Jacob Carter stepped cautiously into the alcove. "Sammie?" She scrambled to her feet. "Dad!" She swiped furiously at the tears that were dribbling over her cheeks. "I'm sorry...Is there any news?" She stood rigidly straight, her fists clenched at her sides as she waited for his answer. Without a word, he gathered her in his arms. Sam went rigid; something was dreadfully wrong. Something had happened...Oh god...please don't let him be dead. She dropped her head onto her father's shoulder. Her voice shook. "Daddy, is he dea--?" Jacob stroked her hair, planting a kiss on her forehead as he tilted her face to his. "He's awake, he's fine and he's asking for you." The sobs she'd been holding in began to shake her body. "T-Thank, G-God!"
Jacob rocked her in his arms, murmuring soothingly. "It's okay, Sammie. It's really okay. Let it out." Sam straightened up and quickly stepped back a pace. "No, Dad, I have to--" Jacob laid a hand on her arm. "Take a minute, Sammie." She ducked her head shamefacedly. "I'm afraid if I take a minute, I'll chicken out," she whispered. Jacob brushed her hair of her cheek. "He's all right, Sam." Sam raised her tear-swollen eyes to his. "Is he...angry?" she asked. Jacob chuckled. "No more than usual." Sam's lips quirked in a small smile. "Daddy!" Jacob's grinned widened. "You asked, Sammie." He reached into the folds of his tunic and came up with a tissue. "Here, fix your face, Sammie and I'll walk you to the medical chamber." Her brows climbed up her forehead as she accepted the cleansing tissue. "You carry cosmetic tissues?" she asked. "Selmac thought you might need to repair your makeup." Moments later, Sam fell into step beside her father as he led the way toward the medical section. "Dad, what if he--Colonel O'Neill can't handle this?" Jacob looked at her. "What makes you think he won't?" he asked. "You did, I did, he can too." "That was different. You're...well you're General Carter and I had Martouf to help me through the worst of it," she said. "And Jack will have you, Sammie," Jacob said. She made a sound that might have been a laugh deep in her throat. "That isn't necessarily a good thing." "I don't think I like the sound of my daughter saying such a thing," Jacob snapped. "You don't understand. I...I'm afraid I forced him or tricked him into this." "Did you hold a weapon to his head?" Jacob asked. "Of course not!" Sam sputtered. "Did you lie to him?" "No, but I...when he said no, very clearly and emphatically no, I made him believe he had to do it for the information that Kanan has." "Well that's true; we do need that information. You gave your commanding officer the information that he needed to make his decision." Sam pulled him to a stop. "He was so sick...he never actually said 'yes'; he just sort of...twitched a little. What if I saw 'yes' where it wasn't because I didn't want to lose...a friend?" she said. "I made it personal." Jacob spun on his heels and faced her. His heart broke as he watched his daughter build a wall around her emotions. He reached toward her face and then let his hands drop to his sides. "Sammie, you learned to build those walls around yourself from watching me," he said. "And it's something I regret teaching you with every fibre of my being. I was wrong. "I'm glad it's personal for you. It damn well better be personal for you. With what you face every time you step through that gate it's got to be personal. Personal raises the odds that you'll come back alive. And alive is what counts." Sam's eyes widened. She opened her mouth and closed it without saying anything. Jacob put a hand beneath her elbow and guided her along the corridor. "I've learned a few things from Selmac over the past several years," he said by way of explanation. Sam paused outside the medical section. "Dad?" "What?" "Would you do it over, if you had to make the choice again?" "If the choice were exactly the same, then yes," he said. "Why?" she asked. "You don't really want to hear this do you?" he asked. "Yes, I do. I need to know before I..." He sat down on a bench outside the medical unit and pulled Sam down beside him. "Joining with Selmac saved my life," he said simply. "And it's given me the chance to know you; if those were the only benefits it would be enough, but I've also gained that opportunity to make a real difference in this universe, Sammie and for a man like me, that 's important too." He frowned slightly. "But, if my life weren't on the line...I don't know. It's not natural for humans to share their bodies. Once in a while it's rather nice, almost like having a marriage--well anyway, the kind of a relationship that I wish I'd been able to give your mother--and a great deal of the time it's a class 'A' number one pain in the...neck." Rising, he sighed and shook his head. "Not much help, am I, Sammie?" Sam rose and smiled. "You've been more help than you know, Dad." Jacob put his hand flat against her shoulder blades and gave her a little shove toward the door of the medical unit. "Go. Talk to him."
Sam moved hesitantly into the dimly lit surgical recovery bay. Janet Fraiser intercepted the attendant who glided swiftly toward her, took Sam's hands in hers and squeezed them gently. "Is he able to talk?" Sam asked. Janet's eyebrow rose and she smiled. "Oh, yes, he can talk," she said softly. "And he's got a lot to say." Sam winced. "I'll just bet," she said. "I'll just leave you alone for a few minutes," Janet said, signaling to the attendant. As the two of them exited the room, Janet said, "Scream if you need anything." Sam swallowed once, straightened her shoulders and moved toward the bed. "Colonel?" He didn't respond. Thinking he was still asleep, she allowed herself a small caress of the kind she normally would never permit. She stroked his forehead and smoothed his unruly hair. Beneath her hands his body stiffened and he jerked away from her touch. He turned his head toward her. She saw the white hot anger bubble up into his eyes. Sam retreated. With a sob, she thought, he hates me; he hates me for what I let them do. Jack opened his eyes and saw the evidence of self-doubt marking her face. He saw the dark circles under her eyes, saw the ravages of tears recently shed, saw her stricken, guilty and so fragile. All the fight went out of him. He closed his eyes again. Shit, screwed that up, didn't you O'Neill, he thought. His voice was raspy from the tube that had been needed to help him breathe. "Wait, Carter...Sam..." Sam moved hesitantly toward the bed. Her voice was unnaturally uncertain. "Sir?"
Jack groaned as he tried to push himself upright. " Damn it, ouch...Carter, please... " Sam gently pushed him down. "You have to hold still, sir. Please." He watched her lower her lashes, unwilling to meet his gaze. Jack winced. God knew he was angry with her, angry with himself for putting her through this but he bit back the bitter words that dangled on the tip of his tongue. He slowly pushed himself up and took her hands in his. They're so cold, he thought, as he began to rub them. They sat in silence, a long, tension filled, uncomfortable silence. O'Neill shifted uncomfortably on the narrow bed. "You did the right thing, Carter." Sam looked into his eyes. Despite his words, they were cold, flat, and angry. Gently he reached up, slid a finger under her chin, and tilted her face to his. "You did the right thing," he repeated. "I was dying. There was information to be retrieved from this, this... Kanan. I said yes." "Did you?" she asked "Sure I did." Swallowing hard to still the tremor in her voice, she said, "Why don't I believe that?" O'Neill tried to smile, tried to keep his voice light. "So maybe it wasn't the most enthusiastic yes of my life, but I made the choice, Carter, of my own free will." Sam pulled her hands from his grasp and stood up. He looked at her standing there, her fist clenched every line of her body clearly saying she was preparing herself for battle, and waited for the first shot. "You said no, sir. You said over my dead body and I pushed you... selfishly. I didn't want to lose you." She paced across the room and back to his bedside, stopping in front of him. "Stop trying to protect me. I'm a big girl, colonel." He wanted to scream and yell, to blame her. But he didn't, he didn't blame her. "My mother would say I owe you one for not wanting to lose me, Carter," he rasped thinly. Carter blew out a breath, smiled tremulously. "And what about you, sir? He shrugged. A voice echoed in his head. 'She's a strong woman, an admirable warrior, my friend. She wants you to yell at her, to blame her, to justify her guilt...' "Get the hell out of my head!" O'Neill bellowed pressing his palms to his head. Carter was at his side in a minute. "It's okay. Shhh. It's okay." Her soft cool hands stroking his forehead as she murmured soothingly. The relief that she felt over the fact that he was willing to communicate with Kanan dissipated quickly amid fear that he would not be able to handle the concept. Jack groaned, clinging to her. "No! It's not okay." He shook off the symbiote's control and grimaced. "Damn it. I hate this thing in my head. I hate not being in control. I hate..." "Me?" Sam's voice was low, barely a murmur. She swallowed back tears and braced herself for whatever was coming next. "God, no Sam. I don't hate you; I could never hate you. You gave me the facts, and I agreed. You saved my life. You said you did it, because you didn't want to lose me. God, Sam, how could I hate that?" "I'm sorry sir. So, sorry," Sam said. "I don't want you to be sorry, Carter. You've got nothing to be sorry or guilty for." "Do you really believe that, sir? Can you live with this, knowing that I made this choice of you, that I did this to you?" "I don't see as how I've got much choice," Jack said dryly. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "Help me up, Carter." He slid to the floor and leaned heavily on Carter's arm. "You shouldn't be up yet, sir," Carter cautioned. "Uh!" he muttered pushing himself upright and taking a couple of experimental steps away from her. "Sooner I get mobile the sooner I can dump the information...Got to finish what we started, Sam." Sam ran her hair through her tousled hair and caught up with his halting progress across the room. "Sir?" "Yeah, Carter?" "Are you sure you..." she fumbled for the words. "...That is if you don't want me involved...If you can't forgive me for my part in this I understand--" Jack pulled up short and turned unsteadily until he faced her. "Jesus, Carter!" he muttered. Sam studied the tips of her shoes in silence. Jack felt the anger welling up again. "You want to know what I really feel, Carter?" Words tumbled out of his mouth, heedless of the effect they might have. " I'm pissed at you. I'm pissed at me too, if that helps. I didn't want this. I don't want this. I know it was the only option, but knowing that and accepting that are two different things." "It's only temporary, only until they find a new host," Sam said quietly. "And how long will that take, ey? Two days? Two months? Two years?" He spat out the words, his anger and fear mingling in to a vitriol mix. "You barely survived Jolinar. It damn near killed you and then you had to deal with all that left over crap. Well, I've got enough crap of my own to deal with, let alone face the future with a damn snake in my head." "That won't happen, sir. Kanan will leave if they can't find a suitable host. He's given his word." "He's a snake, Carter!" Jack said, exasperated. "A Gou'ald." Sam's voice trembled slightly as she spoke. "It's not the same, sir. The Tok'ra are--" He held up a hand to stop her from speaking. "Yeah, yeah I know, Carter. The Tok'ra are different, they're--what is it--benevolent right?" Carter tried to smile. "That's one way of putting it, sir." Jack glared in her direction. "If they're so benevolent, Carter why are you loading guilt and self-pity on yourself? Or are you looking for a way out because you can't get beyond the fact that I've got a snake in my head?" "NO!" Sam said. "No. How can you even think such a thing? Have you forgotten about my father, and Selmac? If anything has changed with dad and me, it's that we are closer then ever. He's my father; you're my---my--" She hesitated, searching for the right word to describe O'Neill's place in her life. He grinned vaguely. "Hard to put a name to what we are isn't it?" He smiled fully then and her heart beat faster. "Carter, I respect you as an officer and nothing, nothing, will ever change that. As a soldier, as a leader the choice was the right one. That doesn't mean I'm not going to be angry, resentful or anything else. And I'll probably take out my rotten moods on you. Not because I hate you, but because you understand this." He gestured at his head. "You've been here. But in the end, I need you to know that even if I say the wrong thing, or I don't, I made the choice, not you. You did the right thing. Understood, Major?" "I'm trying to, sir," Sam answered softly. "One more thing, Sam," O'Neill said, as they moved out into the corridor. Carter matched her step to his. "Sir?" she asked. "It makes me feel pretty damn good that you care," he said. Color rose in her cheeks. "Uh, thank you, sir." "Whatever you want to call it, Carter, I like to think that what we have is special, that it can survive this thing. I know you'll survive this; hell, I might even make it." Sam swallowed a laugh and smiled at him. "You will, sir. I know it." He found her hand and squeezed it. "Nice to know, Major, because you're way smarter then me." he said as the strolled hand in hand.
The End
Feedback is always appreciated.
Anna B: illusion@sjhw.net
Debra B: crusher537@cs.com
Story Notes: Season/Sequel: sixth Season post-Frozen pre-Abyss
Spoilers: Abyss/The Tok'ra/In the Line of Duty
Anna B's Note: This is purely speculative fic about how Sam & Jack might react to the blending. This fic also marks the first SG-1 fic of my sister & co-writer, Debra. Debra deserves credit once again for her excellent beta reading.
Feedback is always appreciated.
Anna: illusion@sjhw.net
Debra: crusher537@cs.com
Spoilers: Abyss/The Tok'ra/In the Line of Duty
Anna B's Note: This is purely speculative fic about how Sam & Jack might react to the blending. This fic also marks the first SG-1 fic of my sister & co-writer, Debra. Debra deserves credit once again for her excellent beta reading.
Feedback is always appreciated.
Anna: illusion@sjhw.net
Debra: crusher537@cs.com
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]