~ How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take
Take a look at me now ~
Phil Collins - 'Against all odds'
--- --- --- --- ---
"When I first met the General, I challenged him to arm wrestling. Soon I found out that he was one of the best and finest officers, I ever had the honor to serve with. Sir, I learned so much from you and I can't tell you, how thankful I am. You've saved my life and the lives of everyone on this planet more times than I can count and no one will ever be able to fill the gap you leave behind. The SGC wouldn't be what it is, if it wasn't for you. We'll miss you. Thank you, Sir."
She had given him a last salute and had stepped back. He reviewed Carter's speech over and over again, while he sat on the chair on his lonely table. All the precious moments with his former team popped into his head, showing him all the things he would leave behind. The missions they had been on, the people they had rescued, the people that had died, the friends he had lost. Kawalsky, Fraiser and now Carter. One more name to add on his list. But this time, it was for the best.
"They'll miss you, you know?"
A familiar voice shook him out of his thoughts. The accompanying hand on his shoulder squeezed him lightly.
"Ahh. They're just scared that I'll come back to haunt them."
The drumming laughter of General Handerson surrounded him as the hand loosened its grip and the attached man sat down on the chair next to Jack. When the laughter died down, the face of his old friend turned serious again, scanning the room.
"No, Jack. I guess they'll give me a hard time."
"Chris."
Now it was Jack's face that was dead serious. His eyes were fixed on his old comrade. They had been recruited together. Chris Handerson had made General some years ago and Jack was glad that it was this man who would replace him. He was no paper pusher and he knew what it was like out there. Chris had saved his sorry butt over and over again.
"They're the best. This base runs nearly on its own. The only thing you have to do, is watch out for them. So, do your job."
Chris returned his look and nodded slightly. Then his lips twisted in the hint of a grin. Standing up, he gave Jack a small mock salute.
"Yes, Sir. I know, you'll come back to hurt me, if I don't."
For a while, Jack watched the retreating back of his old friend. Yeah. Chris would look after them. When Jack had resigned, he had made sure that Chris got this job. He needed someone, he could trust to take his place. And Handerson was definitely this someone.
Without even knowing, Jack's gaze wandered over to where Sam was dancing with Pete. She looked happy as they circled around the dance floor. Downing the last gulp of his now warm beer, he decided to help himself to a cold one. But when he finally stood up, he nearly fell over Kerry who suddenly appeared in front of him. He hadn't even noticed her until now. Her dark hair fell lightly over her shoulders as she kissed him softly on the cheek.
"I hope you're enjoying your party."
"Sure."
He could feel her concern, when she took the empty glass out of his hand. Her eyes roamed over him, until they followed his look and she gave him another peck on the cheek. He hadn't even noticed the direction of his gaze, which was once again fixed on Sam. He knew Kerry understood to good for his liking. She always had. Her arm reached out to squeeze his hand.
"Wanna dance? Come on, this is your retirement party, Mr. O'Neill."
Holding his hand fast, she pulled him towards the dance floor and they joined the other couples, dancing cheek to cheek. Times like these, even the infamous Jack O'Neill needed someone to hold on to. Times like these, when his world fell to pieces and came crushing down on him. Times, when even Jack couldn't pretend to be the island most people saw in him. And so, because it was such a time, he pulled Kerry a bit closer and took strength in her presence. He could hear her soft voice directly beneath his ear, when she finally broke the silence.
"You sure, you're doing the right thing?"
"Yeah. Think so."
Once again she nodded and they danced silently. Of course he wasn't sure that he was doing the right thing although he hoped it was. He didn't know how he would cope when he was finally out of the loop at the SGC, or at least out of sight. But he knew it was time. It had nearly been too late, after all. He had endangered the safety of each and every one on this base and this whole planet, for crying out loud.
His eyes wandered back to Sam and surprisingly, he found her blue eyes staring back at him.
--- --- --- --- ---
She had watched Jack the whole day, while he had been busy shaking hands. He hadn't told her, why he wanted to retire and this thought gnawed on her insides. Didn't he trust her anymore? For so many years now, she had dreamt of this moment and yet, it was not even close to what she had imagined it to be. She had always thought that this would be one of the happiest days in her life; that they were finally free from regulations. But regulations didn't matter any more. After all she had moved on, hadn't she?
Soft steps approached her from behind. She knew it was him. Somehow she always seemed to know, where he was. And even if she hadn't, the deadly glare in Pete's eyes, watching her across the table, was the confirmation she would have needed.
"Carter, care to dance with your old Ex-CO?"
"I'd love to."
Smiling, she looked up at him and took his outstretched hand. Deliberately avoiding to look at Pete, she missed the worried look on his face, when she moved with Jack to the dance floor. Shivering slightly as his hand settled on her waist, she looked up at him, one question burning through her brain: why?
"So..."
Her voice was shaky and his eyes opened wide to underline his surprise at the sound of her voice. Darn. She had hoped that she would sound more self-assured, more confident. Why did this bother her?
"So?"
"Why did you retire?"
She chose to cut straight to the point. He had never been one to beat around the bush and didn't like people who did. But instead of saying something, he just pressed his lips together, looking over her shoulder at some imaginary spot.
"Is it because of her?"
Her head nodded in the general direction of Kerry, who was currently in deep discussion with Daniel. Daniel seemed to like Kerry and so did Teal'c by the way. Why had neither of them ever talked to Pete like they did to her? Banning these thoughts, she forced herself to concentrate on the task at hand. He was retiring and she had no idea why. Her eyes returned to Kerry and she couldn't help the pain she felt, when she looked at her.
Jack and Kerry had danced nearly the whole evening, caressing each other carefully and Sam had felt her heart breaking with each soft kiss, he planted on Kerry's temple. And although she hated herself for this - she loved Pete, for crying out loud - she had wished it would be her in Jack's arms. Even dancing cheek to cheek with Pete, she had wished it could be her. And now she was dancing with him. But he held her loosely, as if fearing to touch her. His grip had even loosened more when she had asked the question.
So she didn't look up to him, when he finally answered. Thousand thoughts rushed through her mind, each screaming to be heard, each scarier than the one before. What if he did this for Kerry? He certainly wouldn't have done it for Sam; he hadn't done it for her! If this was really his reason, did this mean that she had been fooling herself, believing that he felt the same way for her that she felt for him?
"Kelly has a job offer in Washington. She's asked me to come with her..."
His voice faded and she looked down to her feet, so that he could not see the moisture rising in her eyes. They ended the dance in silence. As soon as possible, she made her way over to the lady's room. She sure as hell didn't want him or Pete to see her crying over the man she had loved for so long and whom she was now about to loose; whom she had already lost.
This evening had shown one thing clearly. This time, she had lost Jack for good. There was no turning back. Finally, after such a long time, the dice had finally stopped its slow turn and choices had been made. All that was left for her was Pete and she decided to cling to him, to her lifeline. She knew she loved Pete and he loved her. But until now, she had never allowed herself to completely surrender to the feeling. All the time, she had thought that maybe things would turn out different. Yet, she should have known they wouldn't.
Memories of this fateful evening, when she had shown Jack the engagement ring dwelled up. She had wanted him to hold her back. Had wanted him to say that she shouldn't marry Pete; that he loved her. But he hadn't. She should have known right then that it had already been too late. Both of them had made too many mistakes and now, it was over.
At the end of the day, she finally let Jack O'Neill go and allowed herself to invite Pete in her heart.
--- --- --- --- ---
A knock on his door made him look up and he saw the silhouette of Daniel against the sunlight that fell through the open door. Closing another box, he waved Daniel inside and moved to the nearly empty fridge, getting the last bottles of beer out.
"Wanna have a beer?"
"Sure. Thanks."
He handed Daniel the bottle and started wrapping some framed pictures in old papers, so that the glass wouldn't break during the trip. His fingers touched the face of his son lightly, before it was covered by yesterday's news. Of course, Jack knew exactly why his friend was here, but he would have no success.
"So, you're really going to do this."
"No Daniel. This is just a test to see how fast I can wrap all my stuff together."
Daniel's lips curved in a hint of a smile, but soon the smile vanished to be replaced by a serious expression as his look wandered through the room, covered with boxes, looking to all the world as if he had no clue what to do with himself. Jack nearly had to smile at Daniel's face. He knew his friend well enough to know that he was just trying to figure out how to start his speech.
"Jack, you can't leave."
Ahh, now Jack smiled, despite himself. It seemed as if a bit of O'Neill diplomacy had rubbed off.
"I already have, Daniel. Besides, you know where to find me."
"But..."
"Daniel, you of all people should know why I have to go. So please, don't make this worse, ok?"
By now Jack's voice had risen to the tone that would leave the new recruits and probably even some old war horses shivering, but this tone had never worked with Daniel. Still, the younger man shut up immediately and Jack finished packing the frames. The silence that filled the room was nearly overwhelming. Jack knew Daniel wouldn't agree with what he had done, yet he knew his friend well enough to know that he would understand.
After all, Jack hadn't made this decision out of the blue. He had given it some thought and now he was sure to do the right thing. How could he stay in the Springs, where everything reminded him of what he had lost? No, the best move was to make a clean cut. That had been the initial problem. He had thought he could cope, but he couldn't. And now, he had to break the last ties.
His thoughts drifted back to this fateful days some months ago. Carter had been held prisoner by Baal. How could he have left her at the hands of this... thing? He knew exactly what she had to endure in Baal's care. He knew she would rather die than endanger earth, but the problem was, she wouldn't die. Never. Until Baal would have destroyed her. Until everything that was Sam Carter would have vanished, leaving behind a mere shadow.
The Gate had been heavily guarded and Hammond had refused to let him join on this mission. But he knew he was the only one who would get her out. He knew how Baal's fortresses were build.
In the end he had ignored each and every order in the book and went after her. And he had found her. He had never heard the door slamming behind him as the trap snapped shut. Somehow this snakehead had brought some Ancient device in his hands. Searching for someone to operate the device he had come across the infamous O'Neill. This was how Jack had ended up in a spaceship, hovering above the SGC. Of course, Daniel and Teal'c had gotten them out and earth was safe once again.
There was just one problem. Jack had been so close to activate the device. Baal had threatened to hurt Carter. Jack could have coped with that. Hell, for what it was worth, he could probably cope with her death. After all, he had even killed her once. But he couldn't cope leaving her in Baal's hands without hope of rescue or death. He couldn't. And he had come too close to stepping over the line. He had been willing to sacrifice hundreds of lives for her.
So, after his return, he had resigned. What else was there to do? Kerry had helped him a lot during the last month and he was grateful for that. She was such a great woman.
After what seemed like an eternity, Daniel cleared his throat and his voice was small as he spoke again, shaking Jack out of his thoughts.
"Can I help you packing?"
Sighing relieved, Jack showed him some cups that needed wrapping. Daniel handled the cups as if they were some of his precious rocks and Jack watched him out of the corner of his eyes. He would miss his friends and his life, but there was no other way. This choice had been out of his hands the moment he had met her. Now, he simply had to surrender.
--- --- --- --- ---
- 4 month later -
Her dad had arrived yesterday. It was only one week to go until she would be Mrs. Pete Shannahan and there were still so many things she had to do. But somehow she couldn't convince herself to start. Sitting on her couch, she let her gaze wander over the interior of their new home. Pete and hers. And yet, she couldn't think of this house as hers. He had bought it without even asking her opinion.
Now she lived in a house that she would never have chosen if she had been asked. But she had given in. After all, Pete was the man she would spend the rest of her life with and she wanted this thing to work. This was all that was left. This was her future.
Her eyes settled on the only things that indicated her living in this house: some books and the pictures on the shelves.
Slowly she stood up and reached out for one of these pictures. It had been taken about seven years ago on a team get together. She remembered Cassie's excitement. She had just been given her first camera and had shot nearly everything. They had been in some park, having a picnic. A blanket had been spread on the ground and they were all sitting cuddled together. Teal'c sat up straight, in perfect Jaffa manner. Daniel kneeled next to him, one arm casually slung around Sam's shoulder. On Sam's left sat Jack, his arm around her waist and hers around his shoulder. They were all looking so happy.
Her knuckles turned white as she fastened her grip on the photo. Sitting down on the couch again, her gaze wandered from the picture to the wedding invitation on her table and a sudden pain shot through her chest. The envelope was addressed to Mr. O'Neill. It had been returned without being opened. Although she had moved Earth and Heaven after the invitation had been send back, she had not been able to find him or Kerry.
This shouldn't have surprised her. After all, he was black ops trained. If he wanted no one to find him, then no one would. Maybe he just wanted to make sure that the SGC or some Ex-NID jerks didn't disturb him and Kerry. Yet, she had thought he would stay in contact, at least she had hoped he would. Even Daniel and Teal'c didn't know where to find him.
She pulled her knees up to her chin, her eyes fixed on the picture in her hands. She wanted him to be at her wedding. It had been nearly four month, since his retirement and she hadn't seen him once during these months. There was no way to deny it, she missed him terribly. When she was sitting in her lab, she expected him to drop in and make her laugh or remind her to eat something or play with her doohickeys or... she simply missed him. Her fingers followed the lines of his face on the picture. She was so occupied by her thoughts that she didn't even notice the soft steps behind her.
"Hey kiddo. How are you feeling?"
Looking up at her father, she forced a smile on her face. She knew, her dad didn't approve of Pete. Although he hadn't told her, she could see it from the look on his face. Yet, he was willing to give the man she loved a chance and she was thankful for that.
"Ah, I don't know, Dad. It still seems so unreal."
He nodded and sat down next to her. Immediately she snuggled up on his shoulder, finding his presence reassuring. Somehow she had felt lost for a while now. She missed Janet. She would have helped her through this. Cassie hadn't been much of a help. The young woman, whom she loved like a daughter, had made sure that Sam knew just how much she disapproved of this marriage and it had taken Sam a while to convince her to be her maid of honor.
Her father's voice invaded her brain and his arm squeezed her shoulder lightly to get her attention.
"You know, when I married your mother, it was the happiest day of my life. I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and with no one else. And even if I had known how everything had turned out, I would have done the same. The time I was allowed to spend with your mother was the happiest time of my life. And Sam, I want you to be happy. So, what I want to say is, if you don't feel like the world would stop turning without Pete, if your knees don't go weak every time you're near him, if you can't feel the butterflies, ah, when you have second thoughts about this whole marriage thing, I would perfectly understand..."
"I am happy, Dad."
"Really?"
Her head nodded vehemently as he cupped her cheek gently with one hand, brushing away the wetness that was now flowing freely.
"Then why are you crying?"
Surprised, she let one hand touch the tears that streamed down her face. She hadn't even noticed that she was crying.
--- --- --- --- ---
Some pebbles crushed under her feet as she walked around the secluded cabin. She found him, sitting on the wooden bench on his porch. She knew she probably shouldn't be here, but he had told her to visit every time she wanted to. He had even given her the spare keys. His brown eyes had smiled at her when he had told her that this was a good place to find rest. Until now she had used the keys just once, when the world had been too much for her to take.
"Hey, Jack."
He didn't jump at the sound of her voice. Of course, he would have noticed her a long time ago. She had tried to scare him often enough to know, he could hardly be surprised. This was in fact a good thing, considering how much he hated surprises.
"Hey."
Ignoring the grumpy reply, she sat down next to him, leaning inside his outstretched arm and resting her head against his shoulder. He pulled her a bit closer. She liked the way he seldom said too much. He just accepted that she was there. Watching the mosquitoes hovering over the small lake, she pondered how to say what had to be said. Although she knew that this would hurt him, she decided to cut straight to the point.
"You know that she marries him in three days?"
"Yeah, heard that. Daniel told me."
Well, he knew. She lifted her head slightly, so that she could see his face. The visible pain let her inhale deeply. She had hardly seen him like this and she hated what she was about to do, but she had to finish this.
"Why Jack? Don't tell me you don't love her, because I damn well know you do!"
Knowing that her anger had gotten the better of her, she tried to calm down. It wasn't easy for her as well and she had to restrain herself, not to slap both of them hard to knock some sense into these stubborn brains.
Turning away from her, he stood up and paced his porch nervously. She saw his shoulders sagging as he tried to find the right words.
"Ah, it's not that easy, for crying out loud. She loves him and... Ya know, I've always told her to get a life and I won't be the one to spoil it all. I... I want her to be happy and if he's the one who can do this then..."
He was leaning on the railing, his hand rubbing the soft wood underneath. Silently she stepped behind him, letting her hands rest on his shoulders. He didn't need her accusations. This was hard enough for him the way things were. Of course, she had noticed that he hadn't denied loving Sam and her forehead fell on his shoulder blades as her first tears started to flow.
"She loves you."
"I wouldn't bet on that."
His voice was nearly a whisper and after what seemed like an eternity, he turned and pulled her in his arms. She would have loved to scream at him. To make him see reason. But she couldn't. How could she do this to Jack? She had seen him and pretty bad shape a couple of times, but the man hugging her now was only a shadow of the man she loved so dearly. This thing had broken him.
She felt him shaking slightly and fastened her grip. This was her family that was falling apart, for crying out loud. And she was angry with Sam for doing this to her. These two, Jack and Sam, had been so much like parents for her and she had always felt the bond between them. How could Sam just walk away? How could she not see that she was about to marry the wrong guy? Feeling Jack fastening his grip, her heart went out for him but she didn't know what to say to ease his pain.
"She's settling for the second best."
A soft kiss was placed on her hair and she smiled through the tears.
"Thanks, Cass."
--- --- --- --- ---
Looking at the sleeping beauty next to him, Pete still couldn't believe that she would be his wife in only two days. Just two days and they would be married. He still expected to be woken up from this dream, but it was none. The gorgeous woman next to him still took his breath, every time he looked at her. How could she have chosen him? What did he do to get so lucky?
Her face was a picture of peace and he was glad to see her like this. She had been worried over the last days, but she had refused to talk with him. A few days ago, he had found her crying in her father's arms. She had stifled her sobs the second she noticed him, but it had given him something to think about.
What, if she wasn't happy with the marriage? But he didn't dare to ask this question aloud, fearing the answer. Somehow Pete had always had the impression that her feelings for him weren't quite the same as his for her. And although he was sure that she loved him, he had never gotten rid of the thought that there was something holding her back. Yet, he was afraid to confront her. What would he do, if she told him that she had made a mistake?
His train of thoughts was disturbed by a moan next to him. She looked peaceful in the pale moonlight, her fingers curled into her pillow and her knees pulled up to her chest, but he knew this wasn't the case. He could see her eyes moving behind the closed lids. It always started like this and he snuggled closer to her to calm her down. There had been nights, when she wouldn't have this dream, but lately the dream came nearly every night.
Softly he stroke her arm, as her breathing sped up and her eyes started moving frantically behind the lids. Soon the legs followed her eye's lead and Pete eased over a bit to protect himself from her hard kicks. The rate of movement didn't slow down. She had to be running away from something judging from the way her legs moved.
"Sam, it's ok. I'm here."
She didn't respond to his caresses and he could feel the sweat covering her body as she stiffened underneath his hand and jerked up, whispering just one thing: 'Sir'. Her blue eyes searched the room frantically while his arms pulled her into an embrace.
"Shh, Sam. It's ok. It was just a dream."
Her fingers dug deep into his flesh as sobs tumbled out of her, shaking her whole body. He kept repeating his words as if it was a mantra to keep the bad dreams away. She must have lost many people; she cared for in her line of work. Before they had met, he had always thought his job was hard. He had seen far too much death in his life already. But then he had met her. And although he had only seen a fragment of what she did, he understood enough to know that his job was a walk in the park compared to hers. He had asked her to retire, but she wanted to hear nothing about it, so he stopped talking about it although he didn't banish this thought from his mind.
Turning his attention back to the shaking woman in his arms, he wondered what this dream was about. She had never told him although he had asked her many times. There were nights when she would cry out 'Sir' and nights like today, where she would just whisper it. Maybe she dreamt of a fallen comrade. Maybe she dreamt of her friend. After the mission, where this Doctor had died, these dreams had increased in intensity.
It took a while for her sobs to calm down. Still he repeated the same words over and over again.
"It's ok. It was just a dream. Everything will be ok."
Just before she drifted off to sleep again, he could have sworn he heard her mutter something like: 'Not this time'. Wondering what she had meant, he drifted off to sleep shortly after her.
--- --- --- --- ---
Looking for the last time at her reflection in the mirror, she steeled herself for what she was about to do. Her dress was perfect, everything was perfect. Yet, her face looked rather sad, than happy. Why was this so hard on her? She was about to marry a beautiful guy who loved her with all of his heart. What the hell was wrong with her?
The knock on the door reminded her that it was time to go. And so she straightened her shoulders to meet her father outside. His eyes smiled at her and she took his arm willingly, yet afraid that he might feel her shaking. When the music started to play and her father led her down the aisle, she scanned the room for familiar faces. Most people here were Pete's friends; there were only few people she recognized. Daniel. Teal'c. Hammond. Mark. But one was missing and her heart clenched at the thought. He wasn't here. He didn't even care enough about her to attend her wedding.
Jumping slightly, as her father handed her over to Pete, she looked into his warm brown eyes and her grip around his hand tightened. This was all that mattered. She didn't notice the priest speaking or anything else, apart from the warm chocolate eyes smiling at her.
Everything would be alright. This was the right decision. Brown eyes smiling down at here. Telling her that she was safe and home. What else could she wish for?
--- --- --- --- ---
Her breakdown a week ago had shown Jacob everything he needed to know. She wasn't happy, although she had tried to convince him that she was. But Jacob knew exactly just how stubborn his daughter was. Unfortunately she had gotten after him a bit too much. But then, her mother had been just as stubborn. This streak had gotten Sam to where she was standing now. Professionally it had been a blessing; she had made Lieutenant Colonel a heck of a lot earlier than he had. Yet, on a personal level it often complicated things.
Sam had informed him about her wedding plans three month ago. It had been the first opportunity after his rushed departure when the alliance had failed. Only a few hours earlier, he had learned about Jack's retirement and he had been sure that he would be the one she wanted to marry.
It had taken him some time to notice the sparks between the two officers, but Selmak had reminded him steadily to watch out for the signs. And there had been enough, hell, had they been there. The looks they threw each other would have been enough to set each and every stack of hay in the vicinity on fire.
So, he had been more than surprised when she had told him about Pete. He was a good guy, who cared a great deal about Sam. And Jacob was sure that Sam loved him. But then, he doubted that she was in love with him. This was, why he had wanted the heart to heart talk a few days earlier that had finally led to the breakdown, but he had failed to make her see reason. Unfortunately they had been interrupted by Pete and their discussion had been over then and there.
So, today, Jacob had given his only daughter to a man she didn't love with all her heart. Ever since she had been able to walk, she had wanted to make her own mistakes. She had never asked for help and had been furious each time that he had intervened. So, he kept his thoughts to himself and watched her, as she vowed to take Pete...
His heart stopped for one moment, as her words registered in his brain. The church fell silent but for the voice of his daughter. She hadn't noticed the way Pete's face faltered in shock and the silent gasp of each and every attendant.
"...in sickness and health..."
Her voice was shaky as she watched around the silent church and Jacob could see the irritation on her face. It was then that Pete stormed out of the church, leaving his now-not-to-be bride behind. She hadn't even noticed what she had said just a few seconds ago. So, when Cassie pushed her towards the small room in the back of the church, he followed them hurriedly. Daniel and Teal'c would deal with the enraged guests and the poor priest.
"You don't know?"
Cassie's scream greeted him, when he opened the door. Sam was sitting on a chair, still looking confused and irritated, but now there was also anger and fear.
"No, Cass. Why did Pete storm out of the church?"
"Cassandra?"
The young woman looked up at him in relieve, his daughter in a fury. Soon, Cassie left the room as quickly as she could.
"Dad?"
He recognised the threatening tone, but didn't give in. Steeling himself for what was about to come, he sat down next to his daughter.
"Sammy, what was the text of your vow?"
--- --- --- --- ---
- two weeks later -
"How's it going?"
Sam rubbed her eyes and tried to brush away the tears that had covered her cheeks just moments ago. Of course, he knew that she was feeling like crap. The thought to have hurt two men that were that close to her heart... Once again, she felt like crying but fought it down. After all, she wasn't at home, she was on base.
"I'm okay, Daniel."
He sat down next to her. It had been two weeks since her fateful wedding day and Daniel and Teal'c had helped her a lot through the last weeks, when Cassie had to go back to college. Darn.
How could she have been so stupid? The question repeated itself over and over in Sam's mind. It had all been her fault. She had driven away the man she loved and now she had to deal with this.
"I totally screwed up, Daniel. I..."
"Do you love him?"
The question stopped her tears immediately and she looked at him in shock. How could he ask such a question? He was there during most of her break downs. After all, she had moved over to Daniel's until she would find herself a new home. Fighting the anger and desperation down, she locked eyes with him.
"Yes, Daniel! You were in the church, weren't you?"
His blue eyes saw through her, as if he was seeking for the truth behind her words.
"Sorry. I wanted to be sure. You broke him, you know?"
"Oh, thank you, Daniel. That's so good to hear right now..."
"No, wait. Let me finish, please. You know, he was shattered. He never told me, but I knew it. What did he tell you, why he was leaving?"
She broke the look and fingered nervously with some notes on her desk. Swallowing hard, she started to speak, her voice shaky.
"He told me that he would go to Washington. Live with Kerry..."
"He lied, Sam. Kerry and he broke up long before his retirement. They stayed friends, though. Sure, Kerry went to Washington and she asked Jack to come with her, but he didn't. He left the SGC, because he blamed himself for bringing everyone here in danger. He feared that his feelings for you wouldn't allow him to stay objective. And he decided not to tell you, because he thought that he had lost you and that it would be easier for you this way. Believing that he had moved on, too."
Her mind cried out in shock. Why hadn't Daniel told her earlier? She had tried to force him out of her heart because she had thought she had lost him. Maybe if he had told her... Maybe she would have realized... Maybe she would not have hurt Pete... His look, the moment before he rushed out of the church. She knew, she had broken his heart and she couldn't forgive herself for that. But in the end, it was probably better to end it, before it really began.
After her brain caught up with Daniel's words, she realized why Jack had done what he did, why Daniel had not told her earlier. He had wanted to protect his friend, whose heart she had broken. Jack had had to endure so many things; maybe this was just the last straw. And then, another thought crossed her mind. What, if there was still time? Maybe, she could still mend some fences. Anyway, she was willing to give it a try. Nothing could be worse than her current situation. At least, she would now for sure then.
"Do you know where he is?"
"Minnesota. He moved to his cabin."
How could she not have thought about his cabin? Of course, she had assumed that he was in Washington. She was nearly out of her lab door when Daniel held her back, gripping her wrist hard.
"Don't break his heart again, Sam. He has had enough pain in his life."
"I won't, Daniel."
Giving him a quick peck on the cheek, she was already on her way.
--- --- --- --- ---
Sighing, Daniel looked up at Teal'c. He knew that he had broken a promise, but Sam had been so devastated. She had soaked his shirt at least once a day with bitter tears. In just a few days, she had aged visibly. Daniel couldn't even imagine how she must feel. He was sure that she had believed to love Pete; she would never hurt someone deliberately. And yet, her heart had betrayed her.
Over the years he had seen his friends suffer and when Sam had told him about her wedding plans, he had instantly felt that it was a mistake. But then he had realized what Sam was trying to do. That she just tried to find herself some happiness and he couldn't hold a grudge against that. All of them had endured enough pain to last several life times and he accepted her reasons, although he didn't agree with them.
So, in the end, he had played along with it. As Jack had played along. He knew it must have hurt his friend deeply, but Jack had just kept on smiling and cracking jokes. Until he left the SGC. This was the moment that Daniel had realized just how much he hurt. This was why he had made the promise in the first case. The promise. The promise, he shouldn't have given. The promise, which Jack had forced onto him. The promise, not to tell her, where he was or that he had split with Kerry.
He knew that Teal'c had vowed the same and Daniel wanted to know his friends opinion about what he had done a few moments ago. Although the Jaffa warrior didn't say much, he had remarkable things to say and Daniel respected him more than any other person. Often Teal'c's alien point of view allowed him to see things from a new perspective.
"I told her, Teal'c."
Although Daniel had deliberately tried to keep his voice rather emotionless, he could clearly make out the plea in it, as if he was begging for pardon. His Jaffa friend simply inclined his head in acknowledgement, a slight smile entering his face.
"You don't think it was a mistake to tell her?"
"I do not think that this is the case, Daniel Jackson. I wanted to tell her soon if you had not done it."
Satisfied and relieved, Daniel nodded, hoping his friend was right. At first, he was hesitant to promise Jack not to tell a thing, but the look on his friend's face, when he had visited him in his house before Jack had left, had shown Daniel, just how much this meant to him. There was a void in Jack that Daniel feared to see again. The man that had left for Minnesota was a shadow of the General, but so dangerously close to the Old Colonel, whom Daniel had met so many years ago. This had given him the creeps and Daniel prayed that the person, who could fill this void, was Sam.
He had had a hard time, keeping the promise but he had. He had kept it until now. He had wanted to be sure about her feelings, before he exposed Jack to this. Although the soldier often seemed like a rock, he was vulnerable, when it came to dealing with matters of the heart.
Pulling his glasses off his nose, he hoped that he had made the right decision and that Sam wouldn't destroy Jack for good.
--- --- --- --- ---
A huge black cloud rolled slowly towards his cabin and heralded fall's beginning. The darkness matched his mood as he twisted the pole in his hands. An eternity ago, he had told Cassie that his cabin was the best place to find peace, when the world was too much to take. He had hoped it would work again, but this time the spell seemed to dissolve into cold air, surrounding him like ice. He could have been in that damn pod in Antarctica again, for all he felt was the freezing cold.
Daniel called him once a week to keep him up to date and Jack enjoyed the calls. He was looking forward to them. Who would have thought that Jack O'Neill would be glad to hear Daniel's voice and his babbling about some pretty exciting rocks? But he did. In fact, these calls were his lifeline. When he had left the SGC, he had thought that it was for the best. In fact, he had retired because of her. The irony of this was not lost on him.
He knew he couldn't stand to see Carter everyday, knowing that she was even further out of reach than she had ever been before. He couldn't stand to see her and to know that she had chosen someone else above him. And he couldn't stand to be reminded that he had driven her into the arms of Pete.
He had always thought that it would be enough for him, to have her in his life. He had thought friendship would be enough for them. But it wasn't. So much had changed between them and yet, so much had stayed the same. This was what had hurt him most.
They had behaved as if nothing was wrong, had flirted and teased like they used to in the good ol' days. But then, his gaze had found the ring on her hand. Each time he saw the sparkling diamond, his heart broke into smaller pieces until all that was left was dust. He had been able to feel it breaking and he had known, if he didn't get out of this, HE would break. So, he had retired. Of course, he wanted Sam to be happy. This was why he hadn't held her back when she showed him the engagement ring. Yet, on this one mission, he couldn't watch her six. Not this time.
He had thought that maybe, just maybe, with enough distance, he could find himself a new life. But it wasn't possible. Kerry was great and deserved much more than he could have given her. So, when she had left him, his old denial kicked in. Business as usual as far as he had been concerned. Until the day, Carter had been taken prisoner by Baal.
In the end there was just one thing left to do. He had sold his house in the Springs and had made sure she wouldn't find him. He knew he couldn't stand to be close to her. It would have been much easier if he could just have hated her. But how could he hate her? He had driven her away. Time to face it, deal with the consequences. But his mind had always been a bit slow.
Watching the dark clouds crawling nearer, he pushed himself up. This was what he had chosen. Even if he wanted to change it, it was too late. Far too late. Her heart belonged to someone else. When he walked down the dock to get his fishing gear out of the coming rain, he heard the sound of a nearing engine. Hope swelled up inside of him, but he fought it down.
He had lost her long ago. She would probably be in her honeymoon right now, or maybe be out there and rescue earth once again. He didn't know and he shouldn't care. But he did. And just the thought of her restrained his chest, making it hard to breath.
--- --- --- --- ---
She left the base in a hurry, barely taking the time to get herself the free time that she hadn't used for her honeymoon. The General had been surprised by her request, but had let her go. Quickly stopping at her home, she threw together some clothes and rushed to get her bike. She would be faster this way.
Driving along the motorway, she wondered what she could do when she arrived. How would she tell him? And all the time, another thought popped into her foggy brain: 'Please, don't let it be too late.' Willing the bike to drive faster, she rushed along the empty highway not noticing anything of her surrounding. The hours stretched endlessly and she cursed herself for not taking a plane.
After what seemed like an eternity and was in fact very long hours of driving without a stop, she finally reached Minnesota and in the end, the road leading to his secluded cabin. She had never been there, but she had imagined driving along this way so many times in her head that it nearly felt like she had been. Yet all these scenarios that she had made up had had a happy end, where she and Jack would be happy till the day they died. But this wasn't her imagination and the dark clouds that were hovering above her and the rolling thunder in the distance, were a solid proof of reality.
The cabin was a black spot against the darkened sky. Everything here screamed his name and she looked around carefully, searching for a sign of his person and not just his presence. The short hair on her arms rose slightly at the thought of what she was about to do and the shaking hand stretched out to cut off the engine.
Her knees were like Jell-O as she walked towards his door with unsteady steps. It took her some time to find the guts to knock and lightning lit up the scene, followed by a deafening thunder. Once again knocking, she waited impatiently and her heart dropped, when the door didn't open. Fear swelled inside of her and knotted her stomach. What if he wasn't there? What if he didn't want to see her? What if he hated her?
"Can I help you?"
The sound of his voice made her jump and, squaring her shoulders, she turned around to face him. He was standing at one end of the cabin, fishing gear in hand. His face was hidden by the surrounding darkness and she imagined his features, as she reached for the railing to steady herself.
--- --- --- --- ---
The figure at his door turned around as rain started to fall down on him. He recognized the outline of a woman and he waited for her answer. Once again, hope raised its nasty head and Jack fought it down, making sure it was dead. This was the last thing he needed. To be broken and lost was one thing, but to let himself allow to hope was different. Hope would make everything only worse. Hope would kill him.
When the woman didn't say a word, he asked once again, if she needed help. Lightning spread its bright light over the scene and he was able to see her face. Inhaling deeply, he turned around.
"Whatcha doin' here?"
Wincing at the sound of his voice, he walked over to his little shed to put his fishing gear away. Why was she here? Something with the SGC? But then, Daniel would have told him. Daniel! He had to have told her. How could he have trusted him with this? He could hear footsteps behind him and he walked a little bit faster. What else was he supposed to do to throw her out of his life?
Although he hated himself for sounding like a complete asshole, he knew that this was the only way. He shut the door to the little shed with a loud 'bang'. Her shaky voice was a harsh contrast to the loud sound and nearly lost as thunder rolled over them.
"I... I needed to talk to you."
Not daring to look at her, in fear of these big, blue eyes, he brushed past her and went over to his cabin. Why was she doing this to him? All his self protection mechanisms kicked in, when he opened the door to the cabin. But then, she sounded really down. Something must have happened. Daniel would not have told her without reason? Once again thunder burst around them and under the steady screaming of his brain, he finally gave in.
"Come in. You can't drive home in this weather anyway."
Leaving the door open for her, he stepped inside. His clothes were now soaked, the rain outside poured down in streams. Its sound rushed in his ears accompanied by the pounding of his own blood. Thunder crashed loud and the glass bottles of the six-pack, he was about to open, vibrated slightly. Sighing, he took one bottle out and opened it in one swift motion. Sighing, he took a long gulp. Somehow he knew this was going to be a long night.
--- --- --- --- ---
He hadn't said a word since he had told her to come in and Sam was still standing at the entrance. She saw him moving in the small kitchen, taking out a beer. Still wordless, he handed another one over to her and brushed past her to spread himself on a couch, peeling off the label of his bottle. His clothes were still damp, but he didn't seem to mind.
Reluctantly she followed him in, seating herself on a chair. He wasn't going to make this easy and she knew that he had every right to be angry with her. Struggling to find the right words, she decided to give it a go.
"I'm sorry, Jack."
His eyes were fixed on the bottle in his hands as he played with it.
"Nothing to be sorry about, Colonel."
Wincing at the sound of his voice, she took one gulp of the beer before she continued.
"I'm sorry and I've made a mistake."
She could see that he was about to say something, but she held up her hand, trying to stop him.
"Jack, let me finish this, please. I've made the biggest mistake of my life when I decided to marry Pete. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
His eyes lifted slowly and she was able to see the chocolate brown, but she had problems to read what she saw, although she knew this look. His defences had kicked in and she couldn't hold his glare longer. Pete's eyes had always been open. She could read him like a book. Jack was different. Even after so many years, he was still an enigma. Watching the beer in her hands she continued.
"I didn't marry Pete. I, ahh, kinda... blew the wedding."
Needing to feel him, she walked over to the couch, kneeling down in front of it. Her fingers reached for his calves and she could feel that his eyes were now fixed on her. Her head shot up at the sound of his voice but his expression was still unreadable.
"What did ya do?"
--- --- --- --- ---
Although he still refused to let himself believe that she was here because of him, declaring her undying love, he couldn't help his heart skipping up a beat. For the first time since she had arrived, he allowed himself to look at her properly. She seemed to have aged a couple of years since he had left, dark shadows lined her eyes. The tension was nearly touchable and his heart went out for her, all his anger vanished into the air. How could he stand seeing her this way?
"I... I... We... The priest asked me to repeat his words, ah, the vows part, this 'I, Samantha Carter, take thee..."
"I get the idea."
She nodded slightly and her blue eyes dropped down to where she touched him. His interruption left her silent and he waited some minutes, yet, she still didn't speak a word, the only sounds were the falling rain against the windows and the thunder. Praying to everyone willing to listen that she wouldn't walk away again, he allowed himself to reach out for her. He traced a finger along her jaw line and lifted her chin slightly, so that she had to look at him.
"Sam?"
"Instead of Pete's name, I said yours. In front of everyone, I told the priest that 'I, Samantha Carter, take thee, Jonathan O'Neill, as my husband..."
Her voice faltered and moisture rose in her eyes as she looked at him expectantly. Reluctant to let all his defences down, he tried to lift the mood.
"Bet that didn't go down well, hu?"
She chuckled slightly but her cheeks were already wet with tears.
"Yeah. Let's just say, the priest had a heart attack. Jack, I'm so sorry. I should have known, it was you. All the time, it had always been you and never someone else. Always you, Jack... I... I love you, Jack; I always have and always will. I know this doesn't make everything right and I can understand if you hate me now and..."
His finger on her lips silenced her, as his thumb brushed away her tears. She leaned into the touch and he lifted her head slightly, so that she had to look straight at him again.
"We both made mistakes, Sam. I shouldn't have let you walk away in the first place."
He pulled her up to sit next to him and into his arms. Clutching to her for dear life, he could feel her fingers dug into his damp shirt in the same way. Steeling himself for the consequences of what he was about to say, he took a deep breath and whispered softly into her ear.
"I can't let you walk away again."
Waiting for a sign from her, anything, he could feel her shiver under his touch. And it was the truth. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't let her go away. Now that he had opened up a bit, he couldn't return to the way he was before.
"I don't want you to ever let me go again."
Tears of relieve threatened to overwhelm him and he leaned back on the couch, pulling her along. Her head rested on his chest and he kissed her hair softly. Wanting to kiss her for the rest of his days, he lifted her chin slightly. A soft chuckle escaped his lips, as he noticed that she had fallen asleep. Exhaustion and tension had finally taken its toll and he let her sleep in peace, content in the feeling of her in his arms.
--- --- --- --- ---
A soft smile formed on her lips as she noticed her soft pillow. His scent that was so purely Jack surrounded her and she looked up slightly. Never before had she seen his face that relaxed. Normally there was always a slight tension in his face, an awareness, even when he was asleep. But not today. This made her smile even more.
Snuggling closer to him, she relished this feeling. Her father's words sprang to her mind. He had been right. Her world would stop turning without Jack, it had stopped when he had left the SGC and her. Yet, she had been too blind to notice; too fooled by the wish of the normal life with Pete; too fooled by Pete. But her heart had saved her in the end. She had always been a brainiac and although deep in her heart she had known to whom her love belonged, her brain had overridden her emotions. In this war head over heart, her head had, as most of the times, claimed the victory.
Until the moment she uttered the wrong, yet right, name in front of everyone. She hadn't even noticed. She had known the vows by heart, this had probably been the problem. It had taken her some time to accept, what she had said on her wedding day, but finally, her head had declared its surrender to the heart.
Movement underneath her pulled her out of her thoughts.
"Morning, Sam."
"Morning."
He planted a kiss on her hair and she gripped his shirt harder. Never had she been so glad to be wrong about something. It was still hard to believe that he hadn't sent her away; that he returned her feelings; that this was real. So, when he started to get up, she held him back, reluctant to ever let go and needing him to make sure this was reality.
"Jack, don't. Stay."
Bowing down to her, he placed another kiss on her forehead. His brown eyes smiled down on her and she could see that he didn't want to go.
"Ahh, I'll be back in a minute. Want some breakfast?"
Watching him vanish in the bathroom, she finally got up. Her rumbling stomach reminding her that she hadn't eaten anything for a long time. When Daniel had found her yesterday morning, she had just arrived at the base. So, she left for Minnesota without breakfast and she had driven all through the day without a break.
--- --- --- --- ---
The setting sun smoothed its red color over the features of the small pond and the deck. The last rays warmed his face as he twisted the pole in his hand. After all, this day had in no way been as he had expected it to be. The wonderful woman, sitting with her back leaning against his chest before him, was proof how everything had turned out.
Everything was perfect. Yesterday his life had been nothing but a pitch black darkness. But everything had changed now. Today was the brightest day he had had in a very, very long time. He couldn't remember a day like this since Charlie. And even before Charlie, when days had still been filled with happiness, they had never been peaceful. Peace was something he had rarely experienced. Yet, today was filled with it. It surrounded him, floated around him like a wave.
Pulling Sam closer to himself, he realized that he had started living the moment he had met her and stopped the moment he had left her. She was his life, his world.
"Sam?"
Turning slightly to look at him, her big blue eyes watched him expectantly, as he struggled to find the right words to say.
"You'll never leave me, will ya?"
Now she faced him completely, her arms encircling him as a soft kiss was pressed against his lips.
"Forget it, flyboy. You're stuck with me. No way will I leave you alone."
Her lips met his again and the world around them faded away as they deepened the kiss. This was everything he had ever wanted. Everything he could have asked for.
Finally, after everything, he had found what he had been looking for since he had seen blood on his hands for the first time. He had found peace again.
--- --- End --- ---
© 2005 sg_addict
Story Notes: When I started writing this one, I thought the final story would maybe be a couple of pages long. I hadn't expected what came out in the end. I hope you'll like it. If so, tell me. Feedback is always appreciated.
End Notes: Afterthought: So, what do you think? Good, bad, worse? Tell me: cassiopeia2010@web.de. Feed me back, please!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]