"You like that huh? Huh?"
My mouth splits in a wide grin as she smiles at me, and I withdraw my caressing hand and reach around to the table to pick up the jar I put there earlier.
"Okay...here we go, just gimme a second here..."
She continues to smile at me, and I reach out and brush my finger against her soft cheek once more, I just can't resist. She swats at my hand a couple of times, laughing, and I keep my fingers out of reach, darting in now and then to tickle her sides, making her squeal. I shift my position slightly and screw open the jar, taking a moment to look at the label.
"Banana and pumpkin puree...God Jess, you really like this stuff?"
I look down at my daughters dribbling face, and her wide eyes are focused on mine. Her socked feet kick out at me, and she slaps her hands impatiently on the tray top of her baby chair.
"Okay, okay, but no chucking this up on me if you don't like it, this shirt is clean on you know"
Jessica squeals suddenly, her little limbs thrashing, and I reach out to smooth her curly light brown hair, calming her with my touch.
"Here it comes Jess" I tell her as I take a tentative small spoonful of the bright orange food and sniff it. Yuck, and I always thought baby food would taste good. I never did get the chance to taste any of Charlie's food as I was never home enough back then, and after all these years of waiting it's disappointing. Well, it *smells* disappointing...I wonder what it...mmm...actually, that's not half bad! I start to tuck into a second, larger spoonful when an indignant squeal from my daughter stops me. Even at only six months old she has me wrapped firmly around her little finger, and I guiltily extend the spoon towards her, making a mental note to check the cupboard for more of this for myself. Okay Jack, feed your daughter first, she's more important remember? Damn right she is, and I will never, ever forget it. Sure she came into my life in less than perfect circumstances, but she's here now and that's all that matters.
She's my baby.
"Here we go Jess, Powerplay! O'Neill has the puck, he makes a breakaway across the ice, oh he takes it around the net!"
Jess starts to giggle as I dart the heaped spoon towards her, then suddenly lean forward and sweep the spoon around her head and back in front, her young eyes doing their best to keep up. Her eyes widen when she spots the 'puck' arrive on the other side of her head, and she opens her mouth, her legs bouncing on the edge of her seat.
"He's moving in for a shot, he's past the goalie, and it's in!!!"
Jess closes her mouth and I tilt and lift the spoon out, quickly moving to scoop up and push back in all the food that manages to escape to her lips and chin. I continue this way until the whole jar is empty, then I wipe her clean and tidy away the food before lifting her from her chair and taking her through the living room with me. I'm really getting quite good at this stuff, and to be honest I love it. Feeding her, changing her, every last bit of it.
I settle on the sofa in the sun as she plays with her blocks on the floor and just marvel at her dextrous little hands and her happy sounds as she arranges her blocks just so. God I could happily watch her play all day, and dammit that's why I retired. Her mother didn't want to give up her work, and I was more than happy to stay home if it meant she'd be with me all day and not some babysitter. As if sensing my thoughts of her mother, she manoeuvres herself over to me and grabs my legs, looking a little unhappy all of a sudden. I reach down and pull her into my arms, pretty certain of her many moods by now.
"Yeah I know Jess, you miss Mommy. Well don't worry honey, she'll be home soon"
Yeah, well she better be. And it'll probably be sooner rather than later I think as I pick up something from the coffee table and hold it out in front of me. Jess turns at the jingling sounds and her baby hands reach out for the shiny object.
"No Jess, you'd be better off with your toys" I say, and I pocket the set of house keys. Jess mumbles unhappily and reaches for me, so instead of putting her back on the carpet I pull her closer and look at her. She looks like her Mom. I'd like to think she looks like me too, and her eyes are a kinda medium blue, like her mothers, and I guess they might yet turn brown. Jess starts to blub a little, her little lip trembling, so I pull my feet up on the sofa and pull her against my chest till she settles.
"Ah you love your Daddy don't you sweetheart? Well Daddy loves you very much. Come here Jessica, give Daddy a kiss"
She grabs at everything she can within her reach, my nose, my hair, my ear, but I manage to place a kiss on her nose, making her giggle. Then she articulates a few demanding sounds, making me smile.
"Mommy will be home soon, I told you. And Mommy loves you lots too" I reassure her, giving her another kiss on the nose from her Mom. She does love Jess, I know she does, I just wish we loved each other as much as we do her. The doorbell goes then, dragging me out of my reverie, and I stand and support Jess on my hip as I walk across the room, prepared for another confrontation. Just be nice Jack, just remind her not to leave her keys, and maybe ask if she could tell you when she's going out and when she plans to be back. Not too much to ask is it? Maybe not, but I know she'll try to drag me into another argument and then use Jess as a tool to shut me up, just like always. Deciding not to brandish her keys at her as soon as she walks in I take a deep breath and unlock the door.
I take a second to look up because I need to rearrange Jess on my hip, and Sam is standing there looking at me steadily, a paper bag of something balanced on her own hip. Ironic in a way, I always thought the groceries and the baby should be the other way around with me and her, not that I'm complaining you understand. I feel a sudden burst and swell of anger and resentment course through my veins as I look at her, and her eyes thankfully move from me to Jess, the tight expression on her face giving way a little when Jess squeals. We lock eyes again for a few seconds, and I can tell she' s waiting for me to yell, to chew her out, to do something, anything, but I don't, I just step away back to the sofa, and the sound of the door closing gently and her footfalls tell me she's following.
I sit at the far left and hold Jess tightly against me, gaining strength from her, and maybe even using her as a shield from Sam. I hate doing this to Jess, but, hell I don't know what else to do, I don't know what the hell else I *can* do when Sam's looking at me like that. Conversation is not forthcoming after Sam is settled, bag on the floor by her feet, and Jess is disturbed by the bad feeling in the air and starts to thrash her little arms. Sam smiles a little, and leans towards me.
"And how's little Jess this fine afternoon?" She asks, making the object of her scrutiny babble excitedly, and I thank all the heavens once again for giving me this daughter. She certainly has a way of dispelling nasty situations. I say nothing but smile and pass Jess over, and Sam takes her with a widening grin and starts to bounce her on her knee.
"She's been fine. Spent the day tiring Daddy out didn't you hun?" I say, leaning forward to tickle her, and Sam's face tightens momentarily before brightening again as Jess takes a handful of her hair and tugs, winding her fingers in the soft blonde locks. Sam always did have the most beautiful hair.
"Ow...easy there Jessica" She says with a laugh, and tries to untangle the tiny fingers without losing too much hair.
"Yeah ya gotta watch her every minute, she's been trying to pull my nose off today. I'm sure Daniel doesn't come round because she'd have his glasses in her mouth in a second"
I try to smile at my comment, but it just makes the both of us look away. We 're both very well aware why Danny doesn't come round here anymore. Very well aware.
"I've just come from the base actually" She says, leaving that statement hanging, as if she wasn't sure if she should have told me. So she's just been at the base has she? On a Sunday? Sounds a bit odd, mind you it isn't far from here I guess. I guess.
"So, how are Daniel, Janet, Teal'c, and the General?" I ask, biting my tongue as soon as the words leave my mouth.
Sam's face scrunches slightly as she tries to both entertain the baby and talk to me, but I can tell by the way her eyes focus halfway across the room that this topic is never one she would have chosen.
"They're fine. Same old Daniel, Janet, Teal'c and Hammond" More silence descends as she focuses on Jess, and I just sit back and watch them. Jess is now playing 'horsey' on Sam's knee, while Sam holds her chubby little hands and hums to her.
The sight is so entrancing that I find myself just watching. I watch the gentle smiles flicker across Sam's face, the delight at Jessica's half-formed words and obvious glee at the game, and I feel such a surge of love for the both of them that I have to hold in a long sigh. I was livid at Sam when I opened the door and saw her there, but I always have problems sustaining that anger for any decent length of time. I can tell that Sam is still mad at me, but this is a long running anger, and I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Much though I hate to admit this to myself, she 's so beautiful I could just stare at her all day, if only I could get away with it without her noticing. God I still love her, I do, it's just...I just wish...just wish that...
"Oh...hello" Comes a voice from the doorway, and I look up to find my wife standing there with a small bag of shopping, glaring at Sam and I on the sofa. I leap up to go to her side and take the shopping, leaving Sam to stand awkwardly, holding my daughter.
"Hi" Says Sam softly, and she quickly walks forward and deposits Jess in her mothers arms, before handing me the bag that was at my feet.
"Uh, I brought these over for you Jack, it's...it's some of your stuff" She tells me, then walks towards the still open door.
"Sam..." I say, walking after her, but she turns at the doorway with a false smile plastered all over her face.
"Listen, I have to get back to the base. Bye Jack, bye Jess, bye Amanda" And then she's gone. The door closes behind her and her car drives off, and then the clicks of Amanda's heels come up behind me as I stand there, feeling numb.
"What did she want?" Asks Amanda as she cradles our daughter against her chest, the baby starting to squall at being passed around so quickly, and I hold the crumpled bag against me and turn.
"To give me this I guess" I tell her, and Amanda just raises her eyebrow in disbelief then walks to the kitchen talking to our daughter.
"Hello darling, did you have a good time with Daddy? Mommy had to go out and get some shopping, but Mommy is back now. Why don't we play outside on the grass?"
At least Amanda has chosen not to start an argument this time. Sam coming here was a surprise for me too, but I couldn't send her away, how could I? I haven't seen her or the guys in a couple of months and dammit, I've been missing them like hell, but I guess they're still hurt at my sudden resignation last year, and all the changes that came with it. Well, I didn't have much of a choice, and I'm sorry it had to turn out this way, but it did.
"Did she eat her dinner?" Amanda asks from the back door, face neutral, and I nod.
"Yeah, banana and pumpkin" I tell her, and she tickles Jess and lifts her high in the air.
"What a good girl you are! You ate all of your dinner? Well you deserve to play outside, come on Jess" I watch them go, Jessica giggling happily, and all thoughts of trying to be angry at Amanda are suddenly gone. Instead I take the paper bag with me to the bedroom, dropping Amanda's keys on the sideboard as I go.
I have to smooth the ruffled sheets to sit on the bed, but in the end I just strip the bed and hunt for clean sheets. One thing that hasn't really changed since Amanda and I first met is our sex life. Sure we don't do it that often, maybe once a fortnight but it's still pretty wild and energetic. To tell the truth I never really feel that enthusiastic about it, but she's very good at persuading me, and she always was. Sometimes I feel guilty in the mornings, or when I lie awake, that I submitted to her demands, but I try and tell myself that hell I'm a man, and what man is gonna turn down great sex? Doesn't quite work though, not really. Still, changing the sheets makes last nights memories fade away somewhat, I just wish she wasn't so hard to resist. Finally sitting down I open Sam's bag and tip out the contents, some sixth sense making me open it away from Amanda, and practically my whole life of knowing Sam is displayed there in front of me.
Everything I've ever loaned her or hell, given her is laid out on my crisp, fresh sheets. A sweater she borrowed once, a pair of my shoes I left at hers to dry, some CD's, even some old reports and notes of mine from when I used to come around for her opinion on missions. And at the bottom of it all sits a pile of photos. I don't know what she's trying to do to me by giving me these, but if she's aiming to hurt me she's done a pretty good job.
Most of the photos actually belong to me, so it's not as if I can call her up on it, but I still feel like she's trying to make some kind of point. Hell, it's pretty obvious what she's trying to say, and that's 'why the hell did you leave this all behind?' Well I have a very good reason Sam, she's about two foot tall with soft curly hair, I think you know her. Sighing I picture a happy smiling Jessica in my mind, and it takes the pain away a little...but only a little.
I can't help but feel that this is her cutting any last ties between us, and I feel a knot in my throat when I realise she probably means never to see me again. Well I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry things turned out the way they are and I'm sorry I just couldn't be who you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry.
**************************************
God, sometimes I hate myself.
I flop over onto my back, breathing hard, my skin glistening with sweat as I listen to Amanda turn and settle on the other side of the bed. I brush a forearm over my sweaty brow then cover my eyes with my hand. Will of iron Jack, will of iron.
I hate myself.
"'Night Jack" Comes Amanda's tired voice, and I take a deep breath before answering.
"'Night" I say, as I lie there, staring at the roof. She falls asleep quickly and efficiently as usual, and eventually I stir myself to deposit the condom in the bathroom bin and return quietly to bed. She always makes me use a condom, even though she's on the pill. She's made it very clear that she doesn't want any more children, and to be honest I'm glad. I'm...I' m glad. Feeling the absurdity of sudden tears in my eyes I curl into a ball facing the wall, and wrap my arms around myself. Grow up Jack, you've got a beautiful daughter and a wife who still wants to fuck your brains out, what the hell is the matter with you? No matter how many things I would change, how many things I'd like to make different I have my daughter, and to take Jessica means I have to take everything that comes with her. That should be enough for you Jack, you have a kid, a kid remember? You never thought you'd be with a woman you love ever again much less have a kid, and one out of two ain't bad is it? Is it? Amanda shifts in her sleep, her hand coming to meet my shoulder and I instantly stiffen at the touch. I move slightly away and she turns again, back to her original position, so I move as far to the edge of the bed as I can, still curled up.
I wanted to say no tonight, I really did. We pretty much avoided each other until it came time to put Jess to bed, and being together with our daughter always makes us forget the truth we don't like to admit to ourselves. We finally got Jess to settle, and I got to hear about Jess's adventures in the garden in detail. It always makes me warm to Amanda, hearing her talk about our baby like that, making me realise that despite everything she loves her, she absolutely adores her, and I love her for that, how can I not? We finally fell into bed, laughing at our daughters antics, and then just when I was turning over to sleep I felt her hand slide up my side. I tried to say no, tried to tell her I wasn't in the mood, but she pinned me down and well...insisted. Believe me she's a very skilled woman, and she doesn't like to take no for an answer, especially not from me. I guess she sees it as part of her right, being married, and hell I gave in, just like I always do. It's not like she forces me, I mean she couldn't really, and damn I do get frustrated just like she does, but she never does accept it when I try to say no. So instead I'm left feeling weak, and pathetic that I couldn't make myself clear. Especially today, especially since Sam came round today.
I turn to look at Amanda as she sleeps behind me, and I can't help but wonder if she insisted tonight just because Sam had been here. It is unusual, two nights in a row, but she's not an evil woman, or a manipulative woman, and I doubt she'd do that just to make a point, it's not like her. To tell the truth she really is a lovely woman, she's always there for me when I need her, and she's a wonderful mother to Jess. Hell, it's not that I don' t enjoy making love to her I think, looking at the way the thin sheet clings to her gorgeous slim body, but it's just that I always kinda feel like I'm betraying...someone. Still, she's my wife, and she is an amazing woman, her laugh and her smile and that long red hair still make me shake my head and wonder what she's doing here with me. I sigh then, and flop back down to stare again at the roof. No that's not true, I know exactly why she's with me, the same reason I'm here with her, and that 'why' is currently asleep in the next room.
Jessica. I love my wonderful little Jessica.
She's my baby.
************************************
"What, you wanna go in there? Do ya? Huh?"
Jess makes little sounds and holds her little arms out towards the shop window. I straighten my back and look in the window of the kiddies clothes shop at the fluffy bunnies in the display that probably caught her eye. I kneel down beside her stroller and take her hand, trying to catch her attention.
"Jessica, you already *have* a bunny sweetheart. Don't tell me you've forgotten Mr. Floppy Ears already?" I ask her, reddening slightly when two gorgeous women walk past giggling as they hear me. I drop my head in embarrassment but they both look over their shoulder at me, eyebrows raised in a rather...appreciative fashion. Women *do* love a man with a baby. Jess flops her arms at me and gurgles, and I sigh and take the handles of the stroller.
"Okay, lets go inside. We'll maybe get you some clothes but no bunnies okay? Mr. Floppy ears would get jealous"
I browse the racks inside and raise my eyebrows at some of the prices. I guess fashionable baby wear is real big business. I pick up one cute little dress that says 'treat me like a princess' on it and I can't help but grin. I always have sweetheart, and I always will. Jess is grabbing at everything within reach, all the most expensive ones no doubt, and then something catches my eye and I quickly wheel her over to the racks by the wall.
"Oh Jess...look Jess! Do ya like this? Do ya?"
I pick the tiny item down from the rack and hold it up against her. God she would look absolutely *adorable* in this! If I had any idea they made hockey jerseys this small I'd have decked her out long ago! Now... the Avalanche or the Blackhawks? My team or the local bunch? Well, I think I'll go for the local bunch. Not the Blackhawks by a long chalk, but I guess it's who I'll be taking Jess to see when she's older. Well...that's if we're still around here. Sighing I think about putting the shirt back, knowing what Amanda will say about dressing her in that, but I don't care. I hang the little shirt on the back of the stroller and manoeuvre my way to the checkout, grinning like a fool at the thought of my daughter playing in the mud with her little hockey shirt on. Maybe I should get her a little stick and start teaching her early.
Moving on I almost get the checkout when a squeal from Jess stops me and I lean over to find her mischievous fingers entangled in something.
"Jessica! Now Daddy told you not to touch, didn't he?"
I kneel down to see what's caught her eye, and I slowly untangle her from the cutest little dress I have ever seen. Now Jessica has a lot of clothes, and lots of cute dresses, but this one is adorable. It's made of the softest, bluest cotton, and it has a line of tiny hieroglyphics around the stitching. If that isn't appropriate for my daughter I don't know what is!
"Jess, whaddya think? I ask, holding it up in front of her, watching her eyes focus in on it. She seems to contemplate it for a moment then her little face breaks into a grin and she squeals, kicking her legs.
"Sold!" I say, and I don't care how much it is as I search for her size. I happily wheel her to the checkout and the woman behind the till can't help but compliment me on my choices.
"Oh these are adorable sir. Oh...she's beautiful!" She enthuses as my daughter dribbles, and I feel my chest swell.
"She sure is" I reply, beaming, and she stops to smooth the soft fabric of the dress before folding it into a bag.
"Such a lovely colour, just like this little darlings eyes" She says, and in my head a sudden thought comes unbidden. No, no it isn't, Jess's eyes are a darker blue, it doesn't look like her eyes at all...it looks like Sam's. With that my sudden euphoria fades, and I pay for my purchases and head to the supermarket, my thoughts suddenly all muddled, and of blue eyes and short blonde hair and a blinding smile.
All things that I miss.
*************************************
Food shopping.
I don't know what it is about food shopping, but I find it relaxing. I have enough in my fridge to last for a few days at the least, but I just had to get out of my apartment. I just had to get out of the lab and the base earlier too, and I'm beginning to think that I'm not comfortable anywhere anymore. I just feel like I shouldn't be there, shouldn't be just getting on with my life, but what else is there to do? Sighing I move on down the aisle, deciding that while I'm here I may as well pick up some fresh fruit. I should really eat something healthy for a change. I head away from the freezer cabinets and walk to the rear of the shop, glancing at the hot food counters along the back wall. As I pass the end of one of the aisles I find myself distracted by some high calorie foods and crouch down to survey the choice of cakes.
Hmm...double chocolate...
I snap up from my stoop when I hear a familiar voice, and I look across the freezer cabinets to the fruit display in the corner to see Colonel O'Neill with Jessica in her stroller. He's wheeling her around the various stands talking to her, and I can't help but stop and watch. I don't know what he's saying, something about the benefits of grapes and apples, but the two of them look so adorable I can't help but smile. Jack is casually dressed in jeans, sunglasses tucked into the neck of his blue T-shirt, his hair messy as always. Jessica is wonderfully dressed as ever, a matching set including little striped pink leggings and a pink top with a teddy bear on it, and her curly short hair frames her happy face. Jess's stroller is one of those sturdy off-road looking ones with the three chunky wheels, and it seems just the kind of thing Jack would go for. I just hope he doesn't take her hill-walking quite yet!
A number of packages already hang from the handles, and I notice a bag from the expensive little kids boutique in the mall. He really does spoil that kid, and I guess I don't blame him. I try to stop the sudden churn in my stomach and instead make my way over to say hi. Just as I approach Jack is hunkered down talking to his daughter, and she's looking up at him raptly, chewing on the ear of a fluffy white bunny in blue dungarees.
"Jessica, if you chew his ears off we won't be able to call him Mr. Floppy Ears any more now will we?"
"Mr. Floppy ears?" I say, leaning on a stand of oranges, and Jacks embarrassed face finds mine.
"Sam! Uh...yeah...we...we named him together, didn't we Jess?" He stands and asks his daughter, who continues to drool over her rabbit.
"Sure you did" I reply, and I smile.
"How is everything sir?" I ask, and he sighs and rolls his eyes. When he left the SGC he demanded that I never call him sir again. Most of the time I remember, but sometimes I just fall back into old habits.
"Fine Sam, just doing a little shopping aren't we Jess?"
"I can see that. Just a few things huh?"
He grins widely, jamming his hands into his pockets.
"Well, you know what you women are like...she demanded some new clothes"
"I'm sure she did" I reply, and he grins. We spend the next few minutes shopping together. Me picking up a few things here and there, and Jack trying to get Jess not to pull everything off the shelf, and once through the checkout Jack stops and surprises the hell out of me.
"Hey Sam, wanna go get a coffee?"
I stop. I already feel quite guilty that I've been laughing and joking with Jack today, but hell time and life moves on, and I can't resent him for not loving me for ever can I? Bit selfish really. He made his decision, picked his wife, and yes so maybe he wasn't very nice about it to any of us, but surely it must be time to forgive and forget? Not that I can ever forget that he chose someone else and now has a kid with them, but still, forgive maybe. Jack just stands there, eyebrows raised, and from somewhere my voice says yes.
We wander along the sidewalk to the little coffee house at the other end of the plaza. He's chatting on about something, something normal, common, but I just can't focus. All I can see in my head is his face that day he came into the locker room about a year ago and told us he was retiring and getting married.
Well, to say we were shocked was one hell of an understatement.
Just one of those bombshells would have been enough, but both? Out of the blue? Not three months before we'd gone through those zaytarc things, and though things were very difficult between us, and we knew we couldn't be together, I thought that one day we would. Naïve I know, and I had no right to expect him to wait, but neither Danny nor Teal'c nor myself had the first clue he'd even been seeing anyone. And then no more than a month later we found out a baby was on the way. I was upset, upset at losing him as my CO, upset at the man I love going off with someone else without a word, and upset that they were having a child. I often wondered if maybe I was annoying him, maybe he felt I was hanging around his neck, but I guess this was stupid. Anyway, he left that day, refusing to even hear General Hammond out, and he was married in a few weeks. From that day on we saw less and less of him, and in little, subtle ways he began to push us away. It was as if he didn't want or need us in his life anymore, and eventually Daniel and Teal'c took the hint and left pretty much alone. I know they haven't seen him for a few months. Daniel's incredibly upset about the whole thing, and Teal'c seems to think Jack will be regain his senses and come back.
I know he won't.
He won't ever come back to us.
We enter the coffee shop and slide into a booth, and we order coffee and cakes as Jack props up little Jessica in the baby seat our server brought.
Why would he want to come back to us when he has a gorgeous baby like that? And a gorgeous and smart wife like Amanda? Me though, I just couldn't seem to leave him alone. I would insist on phoning him, visiting very occasionally, and every so often he would actually phone me, even if only to have a strained five minutes conversation before he made some excuse to hang up. I just always felt there was something unsaid, something unresolved, or more correctly, something unexplained. It was as if I felt I was owed some sort of explanation from him, some reason for this desertion, and so far he hasn't seen fit to give me. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe it's just as simple as he met a woman, fell totally in love, and they decided to settle and have a family. Maybe he just felt that time was running out, and maybe waiting for me was...huh...I keep trying to insert myself into the reasons somehow don't I? And he has given me no reason to believe that I was any part of it, nor has he showed any regret at what happened to our friendship beyond that strange sad look he gives me whenever we part. Face it Sam, he has a family now, and he doesn't even really want you as a friend. Sure we're nice to each other when we meet, but normally he can't wait to get away, and today is certainly the first time he's ever tried to prolong contact.
"Sam, why did you bring all my stuff around?"
Well I guess I've found the reason. There was me thinking that maybe he actually missed me a little, wanted to talk, spend a little time. You'd think after four years of working together practically every day, our lives in each others hands, that he'd find it hard to let go. Well maybe not. And since returning his possessions to him was my way of trying to let go, I can hardly be hypocritical and get upset at him, can I?
"It belonged to you" I say simply, not meeting his eyes, and he snorts and throws his arms up.
"Well that's a cop out answer if I ever heard one"
He slaps his hands back down on the tabletop and I look up at his dark eyes. I push my coffee away and get to my feet, grabbing for my bag and coat. I don't need to sit here and be talked to like this. Why am I suddenly the villain? He leaps to his feet and grabs my arm, and Jessica looks up at us.
"Woah!...hey...sorry...I didn't mean to get angry...please...stay..."
A short battle of wills follow as he stares at me, and eventually I give way and sag back into my seat.
"Well I must say I haven't missed your changeable moods" I tell him sulkily, and he leans back in his seat, index finger curled under his bottom lip as he scrutinises me. Trying to avoid this plain gaze I concentrate on sipping my coffee, and he eventually leans forward and draws his own coffee against his chest.
"Well I always get like that when people lie to me"
Fine. He wants the truth I'll give it to him, see if it will wipe that smug look off his face.
"I was trying to let go. Happy now?"
Why do our recent conversations always turn into a battle of hurt and insults? Maybe I should just go. He sits back again, abandoning his empty cup and folds his arms across his chest. He looks about to speak but Jessica interrupts him with a few sniffles and he tends to her, feeding her a small yoghurt he brought with him. I finish my coffee and my small cake, and make it obvious I'm ready to go. Jack tidies up Jessica, scooping the split yoghurt from her chin and removing her bib.
"I'm sorry you feel you have to" He says, his eyes not meeting mine.
"Well you made it perfectly clear that's what you wanted, it's just taken me a little longer than you to abandon my friends"
His face scrunches as he looks into the dregs of his coffee cup, and I have to look away. Even after all of this, the sight of that face hurting or in pain always finds its way right to my heart. Why is he still able to do that? Because you let him Sam...that's why.
"That's not what I wanted...I never intended to...to leave you all..."
Well you did. And you did it very neatly and efficiently Jack. But surely its not too late is it? I'd like to have you back as my CO if nothing else.
"You could still come back, lead SG-1 again. I know the General would take you back no questions asked"
He snorts a little then, and gazes at me steadily, and I can tell that it's not the General's questions he doesn't want, it's those of his friends...his abandoned friends.
"Even if I wanted to I can't Sam. Hell, I might not be in Colorado Springs for much longer"
"What?" No. He can't be leaving can he? Is it Amanda, does she want to move? Take him away from us?
"Yeah. Amanda's been offered a new job out of town. It's quite far and it'd probably be easier for her if we move"
"What about you?" I ask, failing to mask a trace of bitterness in my voice.
"Hey I'm a house husband Sam, doesn't matter where I live" He says, eyes falling on Jessica.
"I...I can't believe your going to leave"
"Look. Nothing's certain, I don't know what's going to happen but it's a possibility"
I fall silent. What else is there left to say? He probably only invited me for a coffee to tell me this...hell...maybe it's his way of saying leave me alone. Oh by the way I might be leaving the state...great.
"I...I never meant for..."
The beeping of my pager interrupts whatever lame apology he was about to try on me, and I fish it from my back and grimace at the number. I pocket it again and reach for my jacket, and his sad looking brown eyes look up at me, Jessica held protectively against his chest.
"The job that never leaves you alone huh?" He says, a twisted smile pulling at his mouth, and I nod.
"I should..."
"Sure. You go. I'll see ya Sam"
I just leave, imagining his eyes boring into my back as I go, just like mine did the day he dropped his dogtags on the General's desk and left the SGC.
Yeah I'll see you Jack.
I'll see you.
***************************************
"Um...you should really..."
"I know! Jack I'm sick of you correcting every little thing I try and do for my daughter!"
Amanda jerks on Jessica's little jersey, pushing her arms into the soft, red sleeves a little too forcefully for my liking. I feel a sudden rage build in me, and I try and clench my teeth on the words I want to say without success.
"Well maybe if you spent more time with her you'd know what the hell you were doing!" I seethe, and she keeps her now stiff back to me.
"Well one of us has to work to provide for this family Jack..."
"What's that supposed to mean? I gave up the Air Force for Jessica!"
She whips around and glares at me, and I see glistening fresh tears in the corners of her eyes.
"That's the point Jack, you did it for Jessica! Always for Jessica! Sometimes I feel I have no part in this family, and every time I try to do something you push me away!"
She leaves, slamming the door behind her, and Jessica's cries echo down the corridor as she goes.
She's right though, she's right. It's all for Jessica.
Sometimes I think we both threw our lives away for that kid, but she deserves it doesn't she? She deserves two parents in the house, two parents who love her, doesn't she?
Sighing I shake my head and take a walk out onto the deck, savouring the last warmth of today's sun. Sometimes every day in this house is like a battle, at least when Amanda is here. She took that new job she was offered, but she managed to get transferred a little closer, so at the moment we're staying in Colorado Springs. At the moment. So she's often away for a few days at a time, and I become a full time 24hour Daddy. I'm not complaining, I love looking after her, and to be honest spending all my time with Jessica is a dream come true for me, but it's driving a bit of a wedge between Amanda and I. She resents me for spending all my time with Jess, and I resent her for not being there for our daughter. I know how much Amanda's career means to her, and her being a pretty big-shot lawyer was one of the things in our way from the start, but we need time to...Ah hell, what can I say, things are going from bad to worse. The sex has almost stopped as well, which I'm actually glad about, but now when she's here there's a constant air of bad feeling, and I'm beginning to wonder just how much more I can take. I just need a break, just for a little while, and though Jess is wonderful company when Amanda is away, nothing beats grown up conversation.
Well, it's not like I actually have friends anymore...not really. Not since...
I just need someone to talk to, someone to interact with besides my young daughter. Well, Amanda is gonna be gone tomorrow morning, so maybe I could call someone.
Someone like...well...I don't know. Hell maybe just the speaking clock to hear another human voice. It's just I'd like to speak to...I'd like to see...Hell there's only one person that I'd really like to see right now, and I think she doesn't want to see me. I might phone her...maybe tomorrow. Yeah...tomorrow.
**************************************
Well.
The word surprised just doesn't seem strong enough to cover what I feel.
I've just hung up from speaking to Jack O'Neill. A rather quiet and sad sounding Jack O'Neill, but him nevertheless. I was just about to go out and buy a paper, when he phoned and asked me if I'd like to come with him and Jessica to the park. My first reaction was a mixture of pain, and anger, anger at how he thinks he can just phone and cause me pain any time he feels like it, but he sounds so weary and desperate I couldn't help but agree. So...I'm in my car on my way to the park.
When I get there Jack is crouching at the grass verge at the side of the car park holding onto Jessica who's babbling excitedly and touching something. I get out of my car and walk up to him, and he turns and grins.
"Hey" He says softly, and I raise my eyebrow in Jessica's direction. He grins widely, and looks back at her, fatherly love and pride written all over his face.
"Her first beetle" he explains, and sure enough she's trying to use her rather clumsy thumb and forefinger to pick up a black shiny beetle that's currently struggling its way through the grass, trying to get on with its journey. After a few more moments of exploration of the animal kingdom Jack stands with Jessica, and smiles.
"Shall we?"
So we visit the swings, the chute, the roundabout, all the usual park utilities. Of course, Jessica is too young to really enjoy these things, but Jack makes up for it, even though he should be far too old. I find myself sitting with Jessica on a bench as he enjoys the swings.
"So this is why you asked me. You need someone to hold Jess while you hog all the playground equipment" He just looks at me with an expression of childish glee as he swings back and forth, constantly angling his head so he 's always staring and grinning at me and I shake my head. That man's just a big kid isn't he? No wonder he always gets on so well with other kids, he has the special advantage of speaking the same language and liking the same things. Since he thinks so like a kid, the next stop is for ice-cream. Jess is rather overwhelmed by the whole ice-cream experience, and a few licks of Jack's cone are enough for her. When Jack offered her the cone she tried to bite into it, and her face when she registered the cold was a picture. Ice-cream finished we wander back to the car park, and I get the impression that Jack has kept this visit deliberately short. Either he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with me or he's giving me a quick out, but all of my possible questions dissolve when he stops me in front of his car with a gentle smile.
"This was great Sam, can we do this again? Day after tomorrow?"
"Uh..." I open my mouth but nothing comes out, and he nods with an accepting smile, knowing that it's not gonna be that easy to rebuild this friendship.
"Look...I know it's my fault I let our...friendship...go in the first place, but I'd like to try and get it back...if you want"
"What about Daniel and Teal'c?" I ask, and pain and regret registers across his face as he shifts Jess in his grip, turning her to face me.
"Uh...I'd...I'd really like to Sam...really...but I...Look, you're my best friend and I wanna start with you"
I'm his best friend? You wouldn't know with the way he's treated me lately, but God Sam he's holding out the olive branch here, he's making the effort, I should at least try too. He holds Jessica against his chest, her gorgeous eyes looking up hopefully just like his. I sigh, cast my eyes around for some sort of excuse but I can't, and don't really want to come up with him. I've had a great day, and damn it I want more! If I'm perfectly honest with myself I want much more, but always with Jack I've merely resigned myself to being friends, and I've always thought better that than nothing, much better that.
"Okay Jack"
"Okay? Two days time?"
"Yes" I answer, amused at his look of surprise and disbelief...maybe I should have made him try harder.
"Okay...I'll see you then Sam...thanks...Say bye Jess!"
I lean forward and kiss Jessica's cheek, and when I pull away Jack's eyes shine at me briefly, with a fleeting look of something...some kind of hunger.
"Bye" He tells me and disappears into his car, and long after he's driven away I'm left with the distinct feeling that this isn't going to be easy, not at all. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder what I'm letting myself into, and why I'm so eager to get there...
**************************************
I tuck a very tired Jessica in and switch off the light, then I retire to the couch and watch some late night TV under a blanket. I feel at peace, happy even, and I know that for once it has very little to do with Jess. These last few weeks have been...odd...and if I didn't know any better I'd think that my subconscious tricked me into phoning Sam that first time. To be honest I thought she'd tell me where to get off considering the way I've treated her lately, but I guess she's a much better person than I am. Yeah Jack, she is, and she always was. That was one of the reasons why I never ever felt good enough for her. I always felt we were in a princess and pauper type situation, and there was no chance of me finding out my real parents were actually a king and queen. No, Sam was always far too good for me, but God I have missed her friendship so much. Yeah so maybe at times our friendship was a little strained, because of that extra dimension to it, the hunger that was there, but still I knew I could always, always rely on her to be there for me. Even when I turned my back on all of them there she was, she wouldn't go away, she wouldn't let me alone, and damn I just couldn't resist. So what am I saying? Well, I think what I'm saying is...I wanna get closer, closer to Sam.
Okay, so I'm pretty screwed up.
For years Sam and I tiptoed around each other, knowing we both wanted what we couldn't have. Well, up until those zaytarc things I thought I was alone in this, but when I found I wasn't it didn't exactly get easier did it Jack? But still, we were friends, and always in the back of my mind I was thinking 'one day' Well it never happened did it? Instead I got some other woman pregnant and threw everything away. All my friends, my job, my life and Sam. Yeah, but in return I got a beautiful little girl who's the innocent in this, and I would never, ever wish her away. It's kinda funny in a way, it was Sam's professionalism that wisely kept us apart back then, but now it's me keeping us apart isn't it? Yeah...I'm married.
Well, I may be married but damn I'm so in love with Sam.
I guess the point I'm really skirting around is...I want an affair with Sam. No I can't even let myself think about the future, what being with her means for my marriage, but I want her so much and I just have to have her...if she 'll have me.
Thinking for a moment I weigh up my options, then reach for the phone.
***************************************
I don't know what to think.
I mean I know deep inside I wanted this, expected it even, almost thought I deserved this attention, but still a part of me was a little shocked. I guess I also feel a little smug in a way, knowing that even after all this and this time apart he couldn't forget me, couldn't resist me, but every time I think of his wife and daughter I feel a twist in my stomach. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Jack kissed me yesterday.
We've been going out regularly with the pretence of me keeping Jack company when he spends all day with his daughter, but I began to see there was more to it than that. He phoned one night, out of the blue and proposed an extra meeting, and this time a whole day. So yesterday he brought a picnic, but it rained heavily, so in the end we went back to my place to eat. When Jess was happily fed and settled with some toys Jack stepped into the kitchen and somewhat nervously asked me to follow him.
"Uh...Sam...can I have a word?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Uh. Look...I'm really grateful you can forgive me for everything I've done, and I just want you to know that I really enjoy spending this time with you"
"Me too Jack"
He was still nervous and fidgeting by this point, obviously with more to say, and his clumsy fingers nearly broke some glasses. I walked over to him, wondering what was going on, praying that he wasn't suddenly going to announce that Amanda had decided they should move after all, when I suddenly found his lips on mine.
He took me so by surprise that for a moment I didn't do anything. Then slowly I found myself responding, and only when I felt his arms come around me did I pull away.
"What are you doing?" I asked, feeling confused and delighted all at the same time. He just stood there, looking as confused as me, then he looked around, shrugged, and kissed me again. And this time, against my much better judgement, I kissed him back. And then, then he surprised me for a second time.
"Sam I still...care about you" He said, stuttering over the words, and I couldn't help but smile. He grinned too, realising what he just said and reached out and touched my cheek.
"A lot, lot more than I'm supposed to" He whispered, and then he kissed me again...and something changed.
***************************************
It's all changed now.
For the last couple of weeks Sam and I, and Jessica of course, have spent one hell of a lot of time together. Sam and Jessica get along wonderfully, and it's great to see the two most important women in my life having fun, laughing together as they play. We haven't done much, Sam and I, physically that is. Otherwise we've become really close, and if I wasn't head over heels in love with her before, I certainly am now.
I rarely even seem to see Amanda anymore, really just to hand Jessica into her arms, and we haven't had sex since I started to spend time with Sam, not that Amanda seems to want it anyway. In a strange sort of way even though we 're married and living together it's almost as if we've come to some sort of arrangement, where we both get on with our lives. She works a lot, and she knows I take Jessica to the park with Sam occasionally, but beyond that funny look when I first mentioned it she's never brought it up again. We spend time together playing with Jess, feeding her and so on, and in those situations we get on great, united by our daughter.
I know I'm lying to myself if I think things can go on like this, if either Sam or Amanda will put up with it, but for right now I don't see a choice. I want Sam but I won't leave Amanda because of our daughter. If anyone cares I do feel ashamed at having got myself into this situation, but like so many people always say...it just happened.
Anyway, I'm seeing Sam tomorrow, so I have that to look forward to. God it's starting to get hard to stop and draw the line at just touching her, kissing, maybe stroking her skin under her top, but this way we can kinda kid ourselves that we're not...not having an affair.
Not yet anyway, but to be honest, remembering the burning I feel when I'm with her, I can't wait.
***************************************
The door goes and I feel my heart make a sudden leap and flip in my chest, and its now irregular beating starts to sound in my ears.
He's here.
I leap up from the sofa, take a last look around the room to make sure everything is not too tidy, too prepared, and walk to the door. When I open it a rather distracted looking Jack smiles at me, and I let him in.
"Hey" He says as he wanders into the middle of my living room, and I start to feel a little worried. Is he having second thoughts? I mean I've had more than a few myself, but I can't help but feel this is right. Not like this though, not us having an affair, but being with him just feels so...right.
"Jack...is everything okay?" He turns then with a guilty smile, and taking my shoulders in his hands he kisses my forehead, and I instantly feel better.
"Yeah, it's just weird handing Jess over to a stranger, that's all"
"She comes very recommended" I remind him, considering she used to look after a friends of mine's kids, and Cassie for that matter, and he nods again, taking my hand and pulling me down onto the couch.
"Yeah I know, I know. I just miss her"
"Jack, I really don't mind if you'd rather..."
"Hey! Don't be silly, I'm just not used to being without her. It's not I'd rather be with her than with you. To be honest I'd rather have you both with me, but I think for what I have in mind for today, Jess might get in the way a little..."
He grins at me, one eyebrow waggling, and I can't help but blush. Feeling my face warm alarmingly I turn away, and his hand falls gently on mine.
"Hey, I didn't mean that we should...not that I don't wanna...uh...it was a joke..."
Keeping my face turned I burst out laughing, and soon Jack's voice joins mine. Looks like we're both nervous today. And though we're not going to admit it, we both know just what we intend to do. Before when we've kissed or gone a little bit further Jess has always done something to remind us of her presence, and in doing so, her mother. Both of which we could really do without. Much though I'm really beginning to adore little Jessica, her trying to climb onto Jack's knee when he has his hand up my shirt kind of dispels the mood.
"So where is Tracy taking her?" I ask him, deciding to lighten the mood and start off with his favourite subject.
"The park. She loves that park and she's always trynna drag me there" He turns and grins at me, his arm moving to rest across the back off the sofa and I smile, finding it hard to imagine a baby dragging this full grown, and very well built man anywhere. But then considering how he absolutely dotes on her, it's probably quite near to the truth. We laugh again, and his arm meets my shoulders. I gulp and stiffen a little, and he swiftly keeps talking to distract me.
"So, we have this whole day...wanna go fishing?"
"Fishing? In the middle of Colorado Springs?"
He relaxes against the back of the sofa, his fingers curling around my upper arm, and already this meagre touch is having an effect on me, but a good one. Definitely a good one.
"We can go to a pet shop, want to catch a goldfish?"
"No thanks Jack...who knows when I might get another cat"
"We-ell...how about bowling?"
"Bowling?"
"Sure, you know, bowling. Or...swimming? Wanna go swimming?"
I laugh, and he tightens his arm, pulling me against his side as he continues his mad line of questioning with a big dumb grin on his face. This is the Jack I remember, the mad, irresponsible, out of left field Jack who was always so much fun.
"Or...the zoo? Wanna go see the elephants? How about skating? I promised I'd teach ya one day..."
I begin to think my laughter is becoming hysterical, and he just keeps on going, now with me crushed against his chest, my eyes threatening to spill laughter tears. We never did decide what we were going to do today. We suggested a few things, going for a walk, to the movies, but never settled it because we knew what today was really about, today we were going to start our physical relationship. I do appreciate the fact that Jack is offering me an out though, he's not just gonna jump on me. If I didn't know any better though I'd say underneath all the funny sarcasm that he's nervous. Nervous as hell, nervous as me. Well, maybe it's time someone took control...
"Or are ya hungry? Ya wanna go out and get something to eat? Huh?"
"Jack, I don't really want to go out. Everything I want is right here" With this he stops talking, eyes wide, and I shake my head a little and move in to kiss him, my fingers trailing down his cheek. I can feel his back jerk ramrod straight when our lips meet, but he soon relaxes into it, his arms coming around me, holding me against him. His lips part against mine, his tongue venturing forth, and I eagerly meet it, tangling around it, hot and moist. The tongues then withdraw and our lips part, and his eyes are dark, hungry. Oh God how many times have I wanted to sate those hungry, hungry eyes. He strokes my cheek and leans back a little, his eyes trailing over to me, coming at last to meet mine.
"Sam, we don't have to do anything, not today. I'm happy to go out, do whatever you want"
"I told you Jack, everything I want is right here, unless *you* really want to go out"
"Hell no!" He blurts, then catches himself and smiles sheepishly. He strokes my cheek again, the fingers trailing down my neck and throat before being withdrawn, as if he were touching fire. In a way it feels like he is, my skin is aflame. For so many years this has been forbidden, and then he took any chance of it away by getting married. Damn. Damn it Sam why did you have to remember that? Jack was in the process of leaning in for a kiss when he saw the sudden change in my face, and the slight turn of my head. He stops and leans back, gathering his feet together as he has a look around the room.
"Yeah, this kinda stinks doesn't it?" He asks, and I look away.
"Thanks..." I say softly.
His fingers lift my hair from my eyes and tuck it behind my hair, then continues to smooth my hair back, and I wonder if this is an unconscious attempt to calm me like he would Jessica.
"I didn't mean you" He says, admonishing softly, and I sigh, leaning slightly into his hand as he continues his gentle caress. It does calm me, I can feel everything else slipping away, all thoughts of other people vanishing, leaving just me, and just Jack. Just me and Jack.
"I know"
He pulls me close then, his arms coming around me, his cheek settling against mine. We sigh in unison, and the mood steadily declines towards being ruined altogether. No, just Jack and I, that's all that matters here and now, just Jack and I. I stand then, untangling myself from his embrace and he looks up at me, his body sagging, obviously expecting me to ask him to leave. Well I'm sick of living up to your endless expectations Jack, and I won't do it this time.
I extend my hand towards him and he looks up at me, confusion written plain on his face. I take a deep breath and let it out, and finally he stands and takes my hand, unsure whether I'm going to lead him to the door or to my bedroom.
I lead him to my bedroom.
"Sam..."
"Shut up Jack" I say softly, smiling at him, and his eyes grow wide as I shut the bedroom door behind him, as if he can't believe his luck. Yeah you are lucky Jack, you're a lucky man, and I wish I were half as lucky as you.
I draw the curtains, cutting down on the bright sunlight, and discard my cardigan. Jack is standing in the shadow of the doorway, his body taught, stiff, his eyes dark, with the hunger there once more. He seems a little afraid too, staying in the corner, and I can hear his harsh breathing as he watches me warily as I pass from one side of the room to the other, and flick the stereo on. God he's like a caged animal watching me, his eyes never leaving me, and it seems as though he could snap out at me any moment. I kick off my shoes and turn to face him, and his head jerks up, his jaw tight, nostrils flared, eyes burning. I take a few steps towards him, and the nearer I get the more affected he becomes, hands trembling by his sides.
"Hey hungry eyes" I say softly, naming him, and his head drops forward, those selfsame eyes looking out and up at me from beneath shadowed brows. God I've never seen his eyes like that. So dark, so primal, so needy. He seems to move without sound then, stepping forward silently, moving like a ripple in a pool, and bringing his chest right up against mine. He leans into me and looks down, and I hear the beginnings of a low growl on his lips as his hot heavy breath sweeps over my neck, and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm his.
I snake an arm up his neck to his hair, and he flings one arm around my waist, mutual claims on the other made and accepted. I almost expect him to say 'mine' but instead he leans forward, surprisingly slowly, and kisses me. The kiss is all encompassing, demanding, yet still sweet, exploratory, and he lowers my weight onto the bed, covering me with his own, his body fitting snug against mine. Regulations and rank gone, the only thing now lying between us is our clothes.
So we remove them.
Then...then we start our affair in earnest.
***************************************
Heaven.
That's where I must be right now, surely.
I'm in heaven in the arms of an angel. An angel who snores a little, but an angel nonetheless. Damn I must have tired her out for her to be asleep at three in the afternoon, and hell that thought makes my chest swell a little. I should get a T-shirt printed with that, 'I tired Samantha Carter out, and no I'm not a cute little reactor keeping her up all night trying to eke out my little secrets' Okay so it's a bit long for a T-shirt, and very few people would get it, but it'd make me feel good. Not that anything could make me feel as good as she does. I'd really intended for today to follow a bit of a different schedule. I thought we'd go out for a while, find someplace private to snuggle up for a bit maybe, then comeback here and move on to more intimate snuggling, but I guess she had other plans. Not that I' m complaining about spending three hours in bed, but I'm just a little surprised. Turning slightly I shift under her, and her head finds someplace a little more comfortable on my chest.
Four times. We made love four times. Not bad for an old man Jack! Not bad at all! And she didn't seem to find anything to complain about, not as far as I noticed anyway. Smiling I glance at her face, and her mouth hangs slightly open, her hair fluffed around her head, highlighted in amber by the sun that escapes into the room through the closed curtains. She shifts a little then, her arms tightening around me, her fingers curling around my upper arm as she drops her head onto the centre of my chest, her mouth curving into a slight smile. Well, she's a possessive little thing isn't she? One of her legs lies across mine, and I'd swear this position was designed to stop me from moving. Though why I'd ever consider doing that escapes me for the moment.
I stretch under her, and this time she opens her eyes and smiles at me, a now very familiar glint there, and I groan.
"Again?" I ask, feigning annoyance, and she shifts and stretches out on me, her lips meeting mine, teasing me, then holding and pulling my bottom lip between her teeth.
"No...just this" She replies, capturing my mouth again. I wrap my arms around her and hold her against me, and to my surprise I find I seem to be ready and eager for a rematch. This woman seems to excel at making me surprise myself by doing things I thought impossible. I flip her over and she giggles, and I start in on her neck.
"Mmm what time is it Jack?" She asks breathily, and I tear myself away from her soft, warm skin to glance at the clock.
"Almost four" I tell her, and she gently pushes me away. Yeah maybe we should do something else for the next hour...Much though I enjoy this, hell love this...hell I'm climb a mountain naked to do this again...I'd like to spend some time talking. Sure we've talked today, but mostly along the lines of 'Yes there..." "Oh baby" and the oft repeated "Now!" I'll like to try something two-way. Sam flops over onto her side and flips the radio on.
"Good idea" I say "Let's see what's happening out in the world" I add as the local news comes on. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her back against my chest and I jerk the covers up over us, snuggling up to her warmth. I start to dose slightly as the news drones on, and then the radio announces in loud tones that there's a newsflash. Sam props her head up on her hand to hear what is going down in Colorado Springs that's so important, and we both listen.
"...today and the gunman is apparently still loose in the park. Several people have been injured including children, and the man has left a trail of terror in his wake..."
The park.
A gunman.
There's a gunman in the park.
There's some psycho loose in the park shooting people and kids...and my daughter is there...my daughter is there.
***************************************
I just go stock-still and cover my mouth with my hands as Jack leaps out of bed and starts to fling himself into his clothes.
Oh my God there's something with a gun loose in the park. I eventually come to my senses and leap up, and by the time I'm dressed Jack is heading out the door. I call after him but he doesn't even acknowledge me as he leaps into his car. I manage to get into the passenger seat before he guns the engine, and his knuckles are white on the wheel as we squeal off down the street.
Oh God, Oh God I hope she's okay. The newsman said children has been shot...Oh God...I try to think of something, anything to say, but no words come to mind. What use are words of comfort? I turn and look at his face, and it's frighteningly devoid of any emotion whatsoever. What can I say? I'm sure she's alright? We come to a halt at some traffic lights and his eyes are burning holes in the back of the slow car in front. I can feel tears of fear start to form in my eyes but I push them away, me crying isn't going to help him, not now. I need to be strong for him, for...in case...Oh my God please let her be alright. Please tell me both his children won't be taken away from him with guns, oh God he'd never survive that, never!
Jack stomps on the accelerator and we slipstream past another slow car and finally hit some clean road. I just bite my lip and watch the road ahead and pray and pray that little Jessica is okay. After fifteen minutes of terrifying driving from Jack we finally pull up at the park, which is now overrun with police and sealed off. Jack dumps the car in a free space and leaps out, and I follow. He pauses briefly to glance at the ambulances off to one side, and I hope to God he's not going to have to ride in one of them with a dying kid. Not again. He pushes his way past a bunch of milling people just hanging around to see something, anything, and manages to grab hold of a policeman.
"Can I help you sir?"
"My kid's here, with a babysitter...I just heard the news..." Jacks voice is frightened and hollow, and I watch with a lump in my throat as the policeman draws Jack to one side to take Jessica's details. Feeling useless I stand and wait, and the policeman gets on his radio to see if Jessica has been hurt. Jack just stands there, his arms straight by his sides, and I don't even seem to have the courage to go to him. Not that he's even acknowledged me since we heard the news, and to be honest if I hadn't leapt in the car when I did I think he would have driven off without me. I take a step away, trying to calm myself down, when I hear a female voice calling me.
"Sam? Sam!"
I spin around, and see Tracy's face above a crowd, waving at me with one arm. I can't see if she has Jessica with her because of the crowd, then suddenly they part and I feel such relief in my chest when I see Jessica sitting happily in her stroller, no doubt wondering what all the fuss is about. I wave at Tracy, then turn to shout on Jack as she weaves her way over to us.. I call his name, once, twice, and only on the third try does he turn around, his eyes settling vaguely on me as if I were a stranger. I point at Tracy as she emerges close to me and suddenly his emotionless charade drops and he launches himself across the square and gathers a very puzzled looking Jessica into his arms. The policeman who was on the radio notices Jacks sudden departure and quietly rips up Jessica's description with a little smile, before turning back to the other families waiting for news.
I reach out and touch Jack's shoulder but he doesn't even notice, as his whole frame shake with sobs as he holds Jess against him, his face in her hair. Tracy starts to explain what happened, and try and tell Jack how they had already left the park by the other gate when it all started, but he has his daughter and she's safe and that's all that matters to him. Jack turns and walks slowly to his car, taking the stroller with him, and I make sure that Tracy has money for a taxi before I leave. When I approach the car Jessica is already in her seat and Jack is methodically folding the stroller up to put in the back. I breathe a sigh of thanks to God and go to kneel down and talk to Jessica when Jack suddenly blocks me with his body, and shuts the car door.
He gets in the drivers side and starts the engine, so I quickly get in beside him and he pulls away. He drives slowly now, carefully, taking heed of every light and sign, but his knuckles are still white on the wheel. Every few minutes he checks back on Jessica, but the tension in the air never dissolves. I decided to stay quiet, let him work this out himself and calm down, then hopefully he'll let me comfort him. I realise he's driving to his house, and I guess it's natural he'd want to take her home where it's safe, at least Amanda is working this weekend.
Finally we draw up outside his house and he takes Jessica from the car and starts to walk up the path to his house, I start to go after him and he turns around and stops, blocking my way.
"Jack..." I start, and when his eyes meet mine I recoil as I suddenly find rage there, a boiling seething rage barely constrained. He huddles Jessica against his side as if she'd disappear, and when he looks at me again the Jack I knew and loved seems to be gone.
"It's over" He tells me in a strangely thick, cracking voice, and then he walks away up the path, never looking back.
"What? Jack...please Jack...just calm down and..."
Slam.
The door closes and I hear the lock snap, and then I am alone. I stand there for a few moments, wondering whether to go and try to get him to talk, to hang around and wait till he comes out, but eventually I just turn and leave. I have to walk for half an hour before I find a public phone box to call a taxi, and when it finally deposits me at home I feel strangely numb as I tidy my apartment and change the sheets.
It's over.
He can't mean it though can he? Surely? He's just upset, rattled by the fact he thought his daughter could have been hurt, and he just needs time.
Just time.
**************************************
Well Jack needed a little more than time, and as yet I haven't found that other magic piece of the puzzle to make him come back to me. I left him alone the whole of the next day, then phoned him on Monday, hoping that by then he would have calmed down enough to make up. Well he hadn't and he didn 't. He answered the phone with a cool voice, and when he knew it was me he fell silent, and the tension crackled down the line. I tried to explain, tried to get him to talk, but he simply hung up on me without saying anything. I phoned again, and again, and on the third phonecall he snapped, and told me that his daughter was almost killed because he was fucking me, and that he would never, ever do anything to put her in a position of danger again, and that I wasn't to call, or come around. I yelled and screamed and cried for a while, but the trouble was I agreed with him, it was my fault. It was me that had distracted him from his usual perfect fatherhood, and because of me...Oh God what if she had been hurt or killed?
Well...I listened to him and I agreed, and it's now been a month since it happened.
And I never called back.
***************************************
I'm tired. All I want to do is get home and go to bed, and thank God I'll be alone. Amanda doesn't get back from work for a couple of days so I'll get some time to myself. I feel a little sorry about my short temper with Jess today though, sure she's been one hell of a handful, but I don't suppose I' ve been much fun for her either.
I slam the door behind me and set about getting Jessica ready for bed. She struggles and whines and refuses to get into her sleep suit, and for the first time in her relatively short life she's really trying my patience.
"Jess please! Just do what Daddy says will you?"
Finally she seems to understand that I've had a hard day too, and settles relatively quietly in her cot. I tidy her room and fold her little clothes away, and when I finally emerge into the living room I have one hell of a headache and my back is killing me. I contemplate a bath but decided against it, and settle instead for whiskey. Flinging myself on the sofa I pour a glass and down it.
Youch. Well that didn't make me feel any better. Yeah Jack, since when did alcohol ever make you feel better? Still I manage to drink halfway down another glass and then give up. Looks like I'm not much of a drinker anymore huh? Well with my infant daughter asleep in the next room, and me the sole present carer it'd be pretty damn selfish and stupid of me to get blind drunk. Instead I flick the TV on and lounge on the sofa, feet up, watching as some ancient black and white film plays out on the screen. Eventually my mind starts to wander, and I spend the next few hours doing numerous little jobs around the house. Having Jessica around has certainly made me tidier, and I even wash the kitchen floor I'm so restless.
I'm just about to turn in to bed, try and get some sleep, when I notice Amanda's warm winter coat is lying across one of the dining table chairs. She's been meaning to turn this in for dry cleaning, so I dutifully start to empty the pockets, fishing out keys, receipts, a couple of dollars, and finally a plain white envelope with her name scrawled on the front in an unfamiliar hand. I turn it over in my hand once or twice, and finding the flap open, I go against my better judgement and open the envelope to look inside.
It's a letter.
I feel a tremendous sense of foreboding as I withdraw the single sheet of folded writing paper from within, and gently and carefully flip the sheet open and read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanda, Had a great weekend, gonna miss you lots this week. See you at work. Love you, Bill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great weekend...
Gonna miss you...
Amanda...
Bill...
Love you...
Love you.
I somehow drop down the wall and find myself sitting on the floor in a daze.
Amanda...Amanda is having an affair. I can't kid myself that this is something else, I can't delude myself that he's just a friend, if he was she would have told me about him, and he wouldn't have said he loved her in a note.
She's having an affair.
A curious mix of anger, resentment, and some of the rawest pain I've ever felt barrel up from my stomach and wash over me, and even tears start to come. The pain isn't for the fact that she's betraying me, being unfaithful, it's suddenly the idiocy of the situation has finally, finally hit home. What the hell are we doing? We're married with a kid and we've both had affairs for crying out loud! I can't believe we thought this would work, I can't believe I begged her, and promised her this would work. But we thought we were doing the right thing, we thought we were doing this for Jess...our little Jessica.
The thought of Jessica brings a sharp new stab of pain to my heart, and I scramble to my feet and bolt for her room. Finding her awake I scoop her up into my arms and hold her against me, just feeling her and smelling her and looking at her. Jessica...my little Jessica.
"Oh God Jessica...I love you Jessica, I love you so much and I don't want to lose you...Oh Jess"
I hold her in my arms and I cry. She just stares impassively at me, her little face confused, and I cry great wet sheets of tears that pour down my face and drip onto her little suit, the little blue suit with the little white sheep on it.
I cry.
And I cry.
What the hell am I going to do?
***************************************
Yawning I stretch out on the sofa and listen to the rain outside. I could have sworn the weatherman said it'd be dry for the whole week, but since when did they ever get it one hundred percent right? I guess all of us are allowed some margin of error. Sighing I flick the TV off and am wondering if I can be bothered getting up and getting changed for bed when there's a knock on the door. Confused I drag myself to my feet and run a hand through my hair as I cross the living room and wonder who it can be at this time of night. Glancing at my watch I see it's half past ten, and I don't even give a single thought to any danger as I unlatch the door and open it.
In the hallway stands a wet and irritated looking Colonel O'Neill, with a rather unhappy looking Jessica in his arms.
"Uh...hi" I stutter, not knowing what else to say, and his sad looking brown eyes find mine.
"Hi...uh...look...I'm sorry for just turning up like this but...I need someplace for us to stay tonight, and I didn't know who else to turn to"
He keeps his eyes locked on mine, and I can't help but feel a small swell of anger. So, what he's had a bit of a tiff with Amanda or something and now he 's expecting me to put him up? He sees the emotions playing across my face and drops his eyes, but a sad little blub from Jessica leaves me with only one course of action and I stand back from the door and quickly usher him inside.
"Come in...you must be cold"
"Thanks Sam...I'm really grateful" He says, and his voice is so soft and sad I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong.
"Uh...could you hold Jess while I get her stuff out of the car?"
"Sure" I say and take his little daughter while he rushes back outside into the rain. Typical Jack I think as I take Jess and sit her down on the sofa and Jack comes back in with a few bags. His hair is soaking wet and his T-shirt couldn't have been much protection against the rain and cold. Jessica on the other hand is wrapped up warmly, complete with her own little hooded waterproof jacket. As soon as the door is shut Jack starts bustling about unpacking Jesica's things that I have to touch him on the shoulder before he stops long enough to look at me.
"Look, why don't you let me do this? You're cold and wet, why don't you have a shower and warm up? I'll keep an eye on Jess"
He straightens suddenly and his eyes flick from me to Jess, then he sighs, and pulls at his wet T-shirt which is sticking to his skin.
"Uh...I'll pass on the shower...I'll maybe go change and dry my hair though" He says, and I smile and nod and direct him to the bedroom. Once I push him through the doorway I lay a gentle hand on his and speak softly.
"Jack...are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
He swallows loudly, and glances back over my shoulder at his daughter before shaking his head and answering me just as softly.
"I'll...I'll tell you later" He says, and I leave him to change.
Fifteen minutes later I have a steaming cup of coffee ready for him, and a much happier and warmer Jessica bouncing on my knee. Poor thing must have been wondering what was going on with Jack driving her about at this time of night, and I must say my curiosity has also been piqued. I can't help but still feel a pang of anger and jealousy, and the pain I felt when he ended things so finally between us, but this little girl seems to have the power to take all of that away. I guess that's the reason why Jack stays in his marriage, for this little wonder. It may be sad but I always dreamed that one day Jack and I would have a little miracle like this ourselves, and I never for one moment let myself imagine that I'd be holding another woman's baby, fathered by the man I love. All these ponderings disappear when Jack emerges, looking much better with dried hair and a warm sweatshirt, and he takes Jessica in a big hug, then consumes his coffee in a few gulps.
"Have you eaten? I have some leftovers..."
"I'm okay Sam...could I use your kitchen to heat something for Jess?"
"Of course...you want some help?"
"I'm fine thanks" He replies, then he disappears through to the kitchen, leaving Jess with me. Well, it looks like any slight hopes on my part of a reconciliation are not what brought him here. Does he really not have anyone else to turn to? I remember him telling me that he considered me his best friend, especially since Daniel and Teal'c avoid him, but I can't believe there's no-one else. Mind you, having a casual friend is a little different from a friend who will take you and your baby in at a moments notice, and I guess it says a lot that he knows I would do so even considering the last few months between us. Believe me I've spent a lot of time wondering what things would be like between us now if it hadn't been for that incident with Jess's babysitter, but I guess if it hadn't been that it would only have been something else.
Once again Jess breaks me out of my thoughts with a gurgle and a pull of my hair, and I take her in my arms and hug her, closing my eyes and breathing in the unique scent of baby hair. God I wish she were mine, I really do. Oh I know I still have plenty of time to have kids, but not with the man I want, not with the father I'd like them to have. A noise in the doorway then makes me look up, and Jack is standing watching me hug Jess, with a strange look on his face. He moves quickly then, and brings a little bowl of something for Jess whom he scoops from my arms and feeds in silence. She's too tired and unsettled to eat a lot, but she manages half a bowl before falling into a fitful sleep in her father's arms, and I see him glance around for somewhere to put her.
"Uh, why don't the two of you take my bed? I'll sleep out here"
"Are you sure Sam? I don't want to put you out"
"Really, it's okay, you...you both look like you need a good night's sleep"
He grimaces, recognising my way of inviting him to tell me what's going on, and he grinds his teeth as he decides whether to tell me or not. Eventually his eyes meet mine, and he holds Jessica tight as he opens his mouth, both of us waiting for the words to come.
"Uh...Amanda's having an affair...with someone from work"
"Oh...I'm sorry Jack"
He just shrugs as I take this in, then drops his eyes.
"I guess I have no reason to be angry, I did exactly the same" He looks at me, and I don't know what to say. At least he's finally admitted what we did was having an affair.
"That doesn't make it right" I tell him, playing the neutral confidante, but he shakes his head.
"No it doesn't. But I guess when two people who don't love each other get married then it's pretty inevitable isn't it?" With that he gets up and carries Jess to my bedroom, and he doesn't look back as he steps inside, he only pauses to speak once more.
"Night" He says, and I can't even muster the breath to reply as the door shuts, leaving me alone and confused and even a little elated on my couch. He doesn't love her. I always suspected, always hoped, hell I always *knew*, but he always refused to admit it. Well more than that he refused to talk about her at all, and I began to worry it was because he *did* love her, that talking about her while with me would only exacerbate his guilt and bad feelings. So he doesn't love her at all, and she doesn't love him. Well that only speaks volumes about their love for their daughter if they got married and stayed together even this long because of her. Because of Jessica.
Because she's his baby.
**************************************
Something tugging on my hair wakes me, and I half-open sleepy eyes to find Jessica supporting herself against the couch and grabbing at me, giggling as she reaches her fingers for me once more. Sudden footsteps make me close my eyes, and I'm aware of Jessica being scooped up.
"Jessica! What have I told you about grabbing! Now get back to your toys!" Comes Jacks hushed and amused voice, failing to sound scolding at all. I hear Jessica squeal then hear the sounds of her playing with her toys as something leans on the edge of the couch. I realise then that I have blankets on me, and I guess Jack must have put them there as I forgot to get them from my bedroom before I went to sleep, and given the mood last night I didn't want to disturb him. Hands tuck the blankets in more securely around me, and gentle fingers pull back some hair from my forehead, and I can't help but release a sleepy sigh.
"I know you're awake Major" Comes an amused soft voice, and he must have added the 'Major' as this type of situation is so reminiscent of being off-world. I often tried to feign sleep to get out of packing up camp, but the Colonel always could catch me out. I groan and stretch, gasping a little as my legs cramp, and I open my eyes to find Jack gazing at me almost as he would gaze at Jess. The goofy smile quickly disappears and he becomes all business-like once again.
"Coffee and toast?" He asks, and I nod, pulling myself upright to watch Jess. She's still dressed in her one piece sleep suit, and her mind is focused on the baby toy in front of her. It has all kinds of buttons and levers and slides and things to do, and even though she's probably explored it a million times she seems quite happy to follow the procedures once again, clapping as it lights up.
Eventually Jack comes back through and hands me a large plate of toast smothered in a mixture of Jelly and butter. He places a large cup of coffee into my other hand and I smile and sit back, stretching my stiff frame against the sofa. Jack does much the same, grumbling at each muscle he teases out.
"How did you sleep?" I ask, and he winces, rubbing his arm.
"Not great. Jess kicks in her sleep. Plus she's not very good at keeping me warm"
We both look away at this, and I can't help but wonder what he's trying to do by saying that. It's always been a standing joke between us that he puts his sleeping bag next to mine cause he says I exude more heat than Daniel and Teal'c, and then when we finally did share a bed he said that all of years of wondering had proved true, and that I was like a giant hot water bottle.
"Why don't you have a shower?" I ask him, changing the subject, and he looks at Jess.
"Uh...I should..."
"Go on. I'll get her ready. All her stuff is in those bags yeah?"
"Yeah. Thanks Sam" He says with a long look, then gets up and goes into my room. When Jack steps out Jessica stops playing and looks around the room, then at me. For a moment it looks as though she's going to cry, with neither her mother nor father here, but she seems to master her emotions, then to my complete surprise she reaches out her arms for me, asking to be picked up. I get up and scoop her up into my arms, and I can't help but remember Jack's words to her the first time he left her with me. Those words about trusting me and loving me, and how Jess should feel the same. I feel a sudden tightness in my throat, but I quickly smother them and turn my thoughts to getting Jess ready for the day ahead.
A half hour later and Jack emerges from my room looking much more relaxed. He's wearing his usual outfit of Dockers and black long sleeved T-shirt, and I must say it's been a while since I saw him dress like that. He smiles warmly at me as he strides over to the sofa, and when he sees Jessica who's sitting playing at my feet he stops dead and just stares.
"Is...is something wrong?" I ask, terrified that I've screwed up, that I've committed some horrible transgression with his daughter that'll make him leave. He crouches down next to Jess who squeals happily up at him, and straightens her little hockey jersey over her little trousers with a lop sided grin.
"No...everything's fine" He says, leaving Jess to come sit by me. I didn't know what to dress her in, but when I saw that adorable little hockey shirt I just had to see her in it. Jack seems to approve of my choice as he spends the next few minutes happily watching her try to crush Mr. Floppy ears to death with a brightly coloured building block.
"I see she has your destructive nature" I say, smiling.
"Yeah" He says almost absently, and suddenly I feel fingers playing with my hair. I stiffen, and glance at Jack, but his eyes are all for Jessica and he seems not even to have noticed that his hand is lying across the back of the sofa, fingers idly curling the hair at my neck. I hold my breath for a minute, not knowing what to do, then when his fingers gently stroke my neck beneath my hairline I leap from my seat. Jack looks up at me, surprised, then he looks at his hand where it lies, and before he can speak I walk into the kitchen and start to clear up from breakfast. For the next five minutes I tidy and wash and put away, waiting for Jack to come in, to say something, but nothing. I feel I've been in here so long that I start to relax, and then I feel hands drop onto my shoulders. The touch frightens me so that I spin and drop the glass in my hands, which shatters on the floor.
"Don't touch me!" I yell at Jack, whose eyes are now wide with a mixture of fear and guilt, and he mutters and tries to bend to pick up the glass. The smashing and the yell must have upset Jessica though as she starts to cry, and Jack stands looking at me as I kneel and start to clean up the mess. I quickly scoop the largest pieces into my hand and I notice angrily that he's still standing there watching me, shifting from foot to foot as Jessica continues to cry in the next room.
"You should see to Jessica!" I yell, and he spins and leaves, and soon I hear his sounds of comfort and Jessica stops crying. He doesn't come through again, leaving me to calm down, and when I've finished tidying I sweep through the living room and into my own room, not daring to meet his eyes. I wash and dress quickly, then collect my wallet and my jacket, and when I emerge into the living room he leaps up from the couch, depositing a now much happier Jessica back with her toys.
"Sam..."
"I'm going out. Do you need to stay another night? If so I have to get some food in"
"Uh...if you're uncomfortable having us here we'll go..."
"I asked if you need to stay another night" I reply firmly, and he stuffs his hands down into his pockets and looks at Jessica.
"Look, We'll go stay at a hotel or something"
"Don't be silly Jack, you're welcome to stay here, okay?" I tell him, my voice still a little hard and angry, and he nods and tries a little smile before looking around for his own jacket.
"Thanks Sam. Listen, Jess and I could come with you, help you shop, you know how..."
"I'd rather be on my own if you don't mind" I tell him, folding my arms across my chest and he sags visibly and nods.
"Okay...I'll...I'll try to keep Jessica from wrecking the place" He says with a fake smile, and I nod, smile a little and make for the door. When I turn around his face looks so wounded that I can't help but soften a little.
"Pizza?" I ask and he brightens, and nods, and I turn and leave the house.
Something tells me this is going to be the hardest 'sleepover' I've ever been involved in.
**************************************
Way to alienate your gracious host Jack.
I know, here's a good idea, why don't I turn up at the house of the woman whom I had an affair with, ask her to put both me and my daughter up because I'm upset my wife is having an affair, then make some kind of a half-assed move on her? Oh wait, I already did that!
God I've just felt so starved of affection recently, of adult affection, that being around Sam and feeling, just knowing that this woman genuinely loves me, or at least did, has made me do some crazy things. Plus there was that last straw of her dressing Jess in that little hockey shirt that just pushed me over the edge. Amanda actually hates hockey for some reason, and she didn't like the shirt when she saw it. As a result it's been sitting in Jessica's drawer all this time, and this is the first time she's worn it. And it was Sam who decided to dress her in it.
Just another reason for me to love her, not that I need any more. Shall I count them? She's smart, she's brave, she's beautiful, she's kind, she's good with Jess...and hell she fell in love with me, that in itself should be enough for me. And I ruin it. Step by step I threw away any future for us, and drove her away from me until I thought it would have been impossible to bridge that gap. Thankfully, I was wrong, but then as everything else does in my life it all turned to shit, and I lost her. No...no Jack, you didn't lose her remember? You pushed her away. Again.
It's almost funny, because back after the Anise/false memories thing, I kinda went a little loony for a couple of months, and I would follow Sam around like a puppy. At every opportunity I would talk to her, make her laugh, and just push the boundaries of our relationship, little by little, hoping she would go along with some crazy idea of us having a secret affair. She didn't of course, she turned down my fishing trip offers time and again, and slowly I came back to my senses, and gained a little perspective and manners even. I guess it was just because I finally found out she cared for me too, and I was so pleased, so euphoric, and I just felt so good I wanted her to feel some of what I felt. Some of that love.
She took all of my ups and downs with good grace, and when I finally let things cool a little bit between us, gave her some space, she kissed me on the cheek one evening, and thanked me. Thanked me for considering her, thanked me for seeing how damn hard this already was and how damn impossible it was to go froward in the situation we were in, and thanked me for taking her feelings into account. I was burning with need for her, but at the same time I was so proud of her strength, at how she could stand all of this, and go on, and do her job, and keep that military distance. After that we fell back into a happy friendship, but always with an edge, a promise, a future, a something. She respected me for backing off, and she even told me she trusted me with her feelings, trusted me with her fragile heart, and since that day I've done nothing but tear it to pieces, nothing but break every promise and sliver of trust we worked so hard to build between us.
I have no excuse, I just can't leave her alone, and I don't want to.
I didn't want to have to come here, to put this burden on Sam, but I had nowhere else to go, and I just had to get out of that house, away from that life. If I could have gone anywhere else I would have, but I have no-one else to turn to, and I'm not managing to be very objective about my marriage when the woman I'd move almost heaven and earth to be with is sitting beside me. Damn it Jack, why couldn't you keep your hands to yourself? It's not that I leapt on her or anything, but I touched her so casually like I had the right, when my behaviour to her over the months has given me no rights with her at all.
Well when she gets back I'll apologise. I'll make her see how much her feelings mean to me, and that I'd never deliberately hurt them, or disrespect her in any way. I'll make her see.
Half an hour later I'm lying on the floor with Jess sitting on my stomach when I hear the door open.
I look up to see Sam struggle with bags, but when I try to get Jessica off she thinks it's another game and kicks out, catching me in the one place a guy don't wanna be kicked. With a sudden shortness of breath I clutch at myself and roll over onto my side, curling up and burying my face into the carpet with the pain. Amused, Jess thinks this is another great game and starts to try and crawl onto my back.
"Jess...stop..." I wheeze, but it seems to have no effect.
The rustle of bags in the kitchen continues for a while, then when I feel Jess's weight suddenly being removed from my back I open my eyes and look up, finding a laughing Jessica held in Sam's arms. Sam looks amused, in a dangerous sort of way.
"I guess this is a good enough excuse for not helping me with the shopping" She says, and I wheeze and carefully straighten myself a little, gasping when I still experience tenderness. Sam just smiles wickedly and looks at Jess, who also seems rather too amused with the whole thing. I manage to unfold myself and stand, then Sam comes over and smirks at Jess in her arms.
"Well I think he deserved it don't you Jess? You certainly saved me having to do it" She says before handing my daughter to me and heading back out to the kitchen. Youch. I think Sam's words hurt more than what Jessica did, so much for my eloquent apologies. Holding Jess up I scrutinise her unapologetic face, and shake my head. Yeah, every woman in my life tends to end up hurting me, I just thought It'd be a little longer before Jessica got around to it. Well, to be fair I deserve everything Sam gives me for what I put her through, but I can't help loving her can I? No Jack, it's not loving her that's the problem is it? It's loving her while being married to someone else that's causing her so much pain. I mean, it's not even worth it telling her how much I love her is it? Or how much I want to be with her? Ah nuts Jack, face facts, both you and Amanda have had affairs, is it really worth staying in a marriage like that even for Jessica? The fact that I walked out, even if just for a few days should tell me that I've had enough. We should face facts, get this out in the open. We don't love each other, time to call it a day. But what of Jess?
Jessica.
Looking at that little face seems to make everything else in the world seem less important. Is it worth ruining her hassle free life just to make me happy? Yeah but she's a baby Jack, surely when she gets older she's gonna realise things aren't good between me and Amanda, and how would that affect her? Ah hell...I don't know what to do, and I haven't even spoken to Amanda yet. But...Amanda's not here, and Sam is. Placing Jess back on the floor I walk through to the kitchen, and Sam spins to look at me as soon as I come within earshot.
"Hey...I'm not gonna do anything" I tell her, holding up my hands, and she slams some packages down on the countertop and glares at me. Not the smartest thing to say Jack, but hell I might as well go for as many strikes as possible today...She sighs, rubs her forehead as she leans against the counter, then looks up at me.
"Why do you do it Jack?" She asks, and her sad voice makes me wanna crush her against my chest and never let her go.
"Do what?" I ask softly, half knowing the answer but wanting her to be able to vent anyway.
"Screw with my life and my feelings at every chance you get?"
"Hey...now that's unfair"
"You know what I mean" She tells me angrily, fishing more shopping from the bags. I take a few steps towards her, but her body still looks tense and wary, so I stop a few feet away. I look at the floor and think, and not coming up with a suitable answer I decide to tell her the truth.
"Because I love you"
I knew that would get a reaction, but the one I get isn't quite what I expected. She suddenly flings herself at me, pummelling at my chest with her fists, and I have to grab her wrists in an attempt to stop her doing some serious damage. Sometimes I forget just how strong this woman is.
"Hey! Take it easy!" I tell her, trying to calm her down but she doesn't even acknowledge my words.
"You bastard! How can you say that? Do you think that's going to make things better? Do you think you can just come here and be all over me after you left me without a word? Do you think I'm ever going to forgive you?" With that I get the impression she's said more than she ever meant to reveal, and she pushes me roughly away and runs to her bedroom, the door slamming behind her. It's not long before Jess starts to cry.
Seems I'm quite good at making women cry these days.
I spend the next while huddled on the couch with my daughter, but she's in a bad mood now because of the argument. Makes me wonder how she feels when her Mom and Dad argue. Sure we keep the arguments in private as much as we can, but the longer we live in this situation the worse it's gonna get isn't it? Well isn't it? I think I need to make up my mind what I'm going to do. Bottom line is...Amanda and I can't keep on living like this. We've managed to keep things fairly civilised up till now, but one of these days our arguments are going to get out of control, and that's not something I want to expose Jessica to. And won't Jessica feel guilty when she grows up if she finds out her unhappy parents stayed together just because of her? And wouldn't it be better to split now, when she's a baby, rather than when she' s older and used to having the three of us in the one house? But, if I move out, who gets Jessica? I don't want to be a part time father, but neither could I imagine taking Jessica away from Amanda...and...surely Amanda would want to move to be closer to her job? I couldn't bear being so far from my daughter, and if I moved then I'd be far from Sam...and that's even assuming she would want me. God this is all so hard, how do I even begin to start to sort this out? I guess the first thing I should do is talk to Amanda. Well, she'll be back tomorrow. I called to check messages at home earlier and she said she'd be late. We'll talk tomorrow, maybe start to hash this out. We have to, if any of us are ever going to be happy, including Jessica.
I let Sam have a little time to herself, then I get up and walk over to the door, and open it, letting myself in. I'm surprised when she looks up from behind her desk, seemingly working at her laptop, but then she always was professional. I wonder how many times in the past she's used her work to hide from her feelings, or from me?
"Do you want some dinner?" I ask her, deciding to start out with something neutral, but she shakes her head, looking back down at the screen.
"No" She says, her face tightening, and I take a step towards her, my hands on my hips.
"Sam..." I start, and she looks up at me angrily.
"You can't make me..." She starts, sounding like a kid, and assuming my best fatherly voice I stomp over to her and slam the lid of her laptop shut, narrowly missing her fingers.
"Well tonight I'm gonna make you do two things. First you're gonna eat, and secondly you're gonna listen" And I yank her upright and drag her through to the kitchen, plunking her down at the table and placing a plate full of food in front of her along with a glass of water. She starts to object and in the end I have to resort to my CO voice, and she finally shuts up.
We eat our food in silence, and even Jess keeps relatively quiet, sensing the atmosphere in the room. After dinner I steer Sam through to the sofa and sit her there with a bottle of beer while I go tidy up. She just sits there, sipping from her bottle when she remembers to, keeping half an eye on Jess on the carpet, and having finally tidied up I make my way through to her and sit next to her, taking a big swig of dutch courage before I start. I cleat my throat, not getting a response from her, and eventually I have to touch her hand, making her jump, but at least her eyes find mine.
"Sam, I have a few things to say, and I don't want you to say anything, I just want to you listen, and then think about what I've said okay?"
She stares at me blankly, and her eyes look so vacant I feel a sudden remorse at the things I must have put her through. Her eyes slowly move from me, to her bottle of beer, to Jess, then settle somewhere on the far wall.
"Okay Jack"
Well, that's one step.
"Can you at least look at me when I'm talking to you?" I ask softly of her, and she turns, her lower lip held between her teeth. Sighing I run my nervous hands through my hair and put my bottle down on the coffee table. Okay, this is where I tell her about all those conclusions and decisions I' ve come to, which is a little difficult considering I haven't really come to any. Nothing solid anyway.
Or have I?
"Look...bottom line is...I...I don't love Amanda and she doesn't love me...and I think we're kidding ourselves if we think we can make this marriage last, much less work"
I check her expression, but all I see is detached neutrality. God she's not gonna make this easy for me is she?
"I've...had an affair, and she's having an affair, and sooner or later Jessica is gonna get caught in the middle, and I don't want that. God Sam I never blamed you for what happened, I blamed me, and I thought I was betraying my daughter by being happy with you"
Again no reaction, and she's beginning to look so weary, so weary and broken...get through this Jack, tell her everything she needs to know.
"I think...I think that maybe, maybe this marriage is gonna come to an end, and...ah hell I dunno, I just wanted you to know. I mean I've ran out of the house and she's not even there for crying out loud! Look...what we had before...and what happened...I know the circumstances weren't great but I still want what we...could have had"
This time I try my best soulful eyes, and she sighs a little, her shoulders sagging as she looks at me.
"Sam...there's a possibility that circumstances are gonna change, and I want you to know that...that I want to be with you. It's just...I don't know what 's going to happen with Jessica, and I realise I'm not really giving you any concrete stuff to go on...but at the moment it's all I've got..."
Her back is starting to straighten, maybe I am getting through to her with my less than eloquent delivery.
"I mean, I don't wanna lose Jess, so I don't know, but I...I think I want out, and I just want to say, want you to know..."
"Jack"
She has her hands cradled in her lap, and she looks up at me through her hair, blue eyes sparkling.
"Yeah?"
"Are you finished?"
"Uh...yeah I guess"
"Well I've listened. Now I want to go to bed"
She gets up and gathers last nights blankets from the floor, and the pillow from in front of the TV. I just watch her for a minutes, not entirely sure what's going on, and I rise from my seat when she moves over to make her bed for the night.
"Sam?" I say, having collected Jessica and all of her things, and she turns to look at me where I stand in the doorway to her bedroom.
"What"
"You will...think about what I said?"
She says nothing for a seeming eternity, her eyes challenging mine, then they falter, her gaze slipping to one side as she unfolds her arms.
"Yes"
She goes back to making up her bed, and I just stand and watch her for a moment before quietly closing the door behind me. You're dismissed Jack, she needs space to think, to consider what I tried to say, tried to tell her. I quickly put Jess to bed and climb in myself, but sleep is so very far off, and I feel so restless.
I told her I'd let her think. She asked for space here Jack, and I've gotta try and give her it. Just like the old days Jack, just walk away, leave her to herself, don't push it.
Well...I'll try...but I don't think I'll be very successful.
**************************************
I wake to the feeling of someone stroking my hair, and for a moment I relax and enjoy the caress. Then I come to my senses and remember I'm sleeping on my couch, and the man stroking my hair isn't exactly in my good books at the moment, no matter what he's tried to convince me of. I open my eyes enough to know it's pitch dark, then I half-turn and angrily push him away, I need more sleep. His hands return after a second, one tangling gently in my hair, the other stroking my cheek. I push him away again, almost knocking him over, but he doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer.
"Please baby...don't push me away" He whispers, but I'm not going to let him get around me that easily. I flip over and face the back of the couch, but that doesn't deter him either. After a few moments he even starts to try and climb onto the couch with me. I turn over, surprised by this blatant move, and stop him with my hands on his chest.
"Sam...I just can't stand sleeping in your bed...it smells like you but you' re not there"
What's wrong with him? Is he drunk, or half asleep or something?
"Jack, piss off will you?" I say sleepily, but he pulls my hands apart and climbs under the blanket with me, pulling me against his chest. I almost start to panic when he wraps his arms around me, but he strokes my hair and whispers in my ear.
"I'm not gonna try anything baby, I promise, I just wanna be near you. Please?"
"Jack...please stop...this isn't fair..."
He ignores my pleas and snuggles determinedly into me, his head on my shoulder, and my arms have no where to go but around him. I try to yank them back when I realise he's not wearing anything on top, as the last thing I want to feel is his bare skin, but he squashes me against the back of the sofa and seemingly won't take no for an answer. I want to be angry, I want to shove him off and yell at him to go back to bed, but I can't, I just can' t. My body starts to betray me and melt into his, and I realise I'm lost. My brain is awake now though, waiting for his next move, but nothing comes, and when gentle snores make themselves heard I realise he's already asleep. Annoyed though I am I don't have the heart to push a sleeping man onto the ground so I settle down, reluctantly lowering my chin onto the top of his head and sigh.
I just wish he wasn't so damn hard to resist. I wouldn't have got myself in so much trouble otherwise. But then I wouldn't have had some of the best times of my life either.
****************************************
This time I wake to the closeness of another warm body. I open one eye slowly to check if Jack's asleep, and he's lying on his back, one arm under his head, staring at the ceiling. Our positions have changed during the night and now I'm curled with my head on his shoulder, and most of my weight on top of him due to the narrow width of the sofa. He's breathing easily, and seems to be contemplative, obviously thinking about something. He still has his other arm wrapped around me, gently caressing my back through my T-shirt. I try not to shudder at his touch and I'm glad I decided to keep most of my clothes on. I think feeling that against my bare skin would undo me. He stretches lazily then, obviously not intending to get up anytime soon, and I'm wondering if I can pretend to be asleep for much longer when Jessica cries from the next room and he leaps up and goes to her.
I take this opportunity to stretch and turn, thinking he'll be gone a while, but he comes back into the room with Jess in his arms and walks around, talking softly to her as she cries. I can't help but watch him as he goes, looking so much like those topless posters of men and babies you always get. And yes, he looks absolutely adorable with Jess, he always did. If there was one person I couldn't possibly hate in all this, it's her. She is an innocent, none of this is her fault, in fact the only problem in this is that her Mommy and Daddy love her almost too much. Jessica eventually calms down, satisfied that her Daddy is here, and Jack disappears back through to the bedroom, only to emerge this time with a blanket from my bed. He puts it on the floor on the rug with a couple of pillows and places still sleepy Jessica on it, and she happily settles down. I quickly realise what's happening and shut my eyes and turn to face the back of the sofa just as Jack turns and makes his way back over. He carefully gets back under the blanket and lays his arm along the sofa arm, half propped up, his long naked legs alongside mine, their heat almost making my pretence at sleep unbearable. He just lies there quietly, not saying anything, and I wonder when he's going to call me out, tell me he knows I'm awake.
Jessica grumbles, and the sofa shifts as he leans out to stroke her hair, then when she quietens he settles himself back again, and then he runs his fingers down the length of my arm. Even though I knew something like this was coming I can't help but shiver, and he sighs, withdrawing the touch.
"Why are you pretending to sleep?" He asks softly, and I sigh and don't answer, instead huddling down further under the blanket.
"I told you the truth last night" He tells me, and I still don't move. What is he expecting? Am I supposed to fling myself into his arms now? I already did that once, and look what happened. He seems to give up on words, and instead runs his fingers down my arm again. I'm more composed now, more in control so I don't let it affect me like before. Seemingly sensing this he tries again, while attaching his lips to the back of my neck, and pushing his body against mine. I angrily push back at him, and turn around to glare at him over my shoulder.
"Are you just trying to get a reaction out of me? Because if you want slapped Jack you're going the right way about it"
"I just want some kind of response" He says plainly, and then the anger I'd been trying to muster comes.
"You forfeited the right to any response the day you abandoned me outside your house without a damn word" I snap at him, and his eyebrows pull together, those liquid eyes filling with guilt. I turn back around so I don' t have to look at him, and he shifts uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I am sorry Sam"
"Look Jack, you expect me to believe all the things you said to me last night? I mean you said 'possibly' or 'maybe' or 'thinking about' at the beginning of every damn sentence, and you've already told me you loved me once and dumped me. How the hell am I supposed to trust you now?"
Silence. Good. I hope that hurt you. I don't know what I expect next, maybe for him to get up and leave or something, but I don't expect him to grab me around the waist, flip me onto my back then get on top of me!
"Jack! Get the hell off!"
"Shh...you'll wake Jess"
"I don't care...get off me or I'll..."
"You'll what? Never speak to me again? Kick me out? What Sam, what?"
"How about I kick you in the nuts for a start?" I seethe between my teeth, and he laughs, he actually laughs! He takes a hold of my wrists and drops his head onto my shoulder, laughing uncontrollably, which just makes me angrier. I wriggle and try to get free, but that only makes him laugh more, and then I feel something lower down which makes me stop dead. He opens his eyes and looks down at me with a slight smile on his face, and I growl and push at him.
"Well don't even think you're going to get to do anything with *that!*" I tell him, and he presses down on me, his eyes still sparkling with laughter.
"Hey! This is entirely your fault...all that wriggling around..."
God he's making me really angry! I wish he'd go away.
"Jack...you're really pushing things here"
"That's the plan Sam..."
"What?"
"I'm trying to push you, push you and make you angry enough to tell *me* the damn truth!"
"What truth?"
"Do you love me?"
I think for a minute, watching his pitifully hopeful face, and formulate my words carefully before speaking.
"It doesn't matter anymore whether I do or not"
"Yes it damn well does, now do you love me or not?"
He shakes me a little to get my full attention, and I look up at him, deciding he should probably hear the truth.
"Not as much as I used to"
Truth hurts doesn't it? And it certainly seems to have hurt Jack. He lets go of me and sits up, one of his hands resting on my hair.
"Is...is that the truth or are you just saying that to hurt me?"
"Well if I'm honest it's both"
"Thanks" He says bitterly, pulling his hand away, but I don't let myself feel sorry for him. Not this time.
"You asked" I tell him, and he nods.
"I guess I did. It's my own fault if I didn't get the answer I was expecting"
I sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the couch, taking a place next to him, and both our eyes fall onto the sleeping form of Jess.
"If it's any consolation Jack, I understand why you did it...all of it"
"It's not fair Sam, this isn't how I thought any of it would have turned out. I mean, because of Jess I wouldn't go back on a single thing, but I kinda hoped she'd be ours"
I allow myself a snort of laughter, and he looks at me, a little hurt.
"What, after another fifteen years or so when they finally made you retire? I would hope to be a mother before I'm fifty Jack" I laugh again and he silently takes my hand in his, squeezing gently.
"You still can be" He replies, his endlessly deep eyes boring into mine, the meaning very clear, and I gulp, no smart answer on my lips this time. Looks like he's finally found the topic to get through to me.
"Jack..." I start, but all the anger and denial is gone from my voice, and I can't think of a single thing to say.
"Just give me some time. Give me time to sort this all out, that's all I ask. Look, I'm hoping you could...love me again...all I need to know is would you want to try?"
He takes both of my hands and pulls me to face him, and his brown eyes are so open and hopeful and scared, that I can't shoot him down, and damn it I don't want to. He waits patiently, so very patiently, and I finally meet his eyes.
"Yes"
He drops his head, letting out a long held breath, and it's only then I realise his hands are shaking. I've put him through several shades of hell today to earn him this answer, and he damn well deserved it. From now on if he wants me he's gonna have to work for me. Looking up he smiles gently, then takes my head in his hands and kisses me softly on the forehead.
"I'll get packed up and go. I have to go home and have a long talk with Amanda"
I nod, and he gets up and collects his stuff. A few scant minutes later and he's in the doorway, bags over his shoulder and Jessica on his hip, one hand on my cheek as he tries to read my eyes.
"Look, I don't know how long this is going to take, but I'll call you okay?"
"Okay" I stutter, still not sure if leaving myself open to being hurt by him again is wise, and he smiles and takes his hand away.
"I love you Sam" He says and leaves, not expecting me to reply in kind. I watch him walk away down the hallway and I stand in my doorway for a long time after I've heard his car pull away, just thinking.
Please tell me I haven't made a mistake God in putting even the smallest bit of trust in him.
Not again.
***************************************
Well, if I thought the last couple of days were hard, I think they're just about to get harder.
I shut and lock the car door, and collecting Jessica from her baby seat I walk past Amanda's car and into the house.
Sure enough she's seated on the couch waiting for me, and I place Jessica in her arms before dumping all my bags in Jess's bedroom. When I come back through and take a seat on the couch beside her she's holding Jess closely, and telling her how much she loves her. God Amanda, don't make this any harder than it already is.
"Amanda...we have to talk..."
"Oh God Jack...I know...Look...I'm so sorry"
"Forget it. It's not like I'm innocent" I turn to look at her, and she studies me steadily through a sheen of guilty tears.
"Sam?" She asks, and I guess she knows me a lot better than I thought.
"Yeah" I breathe, and she buries her face in Jess's hair. It's funny, we don 't even love each other but we still feel betrayed when the other strays.
"Still?" She asks me and I shake my head sadly. Oh how I wish. Even if we sort this all out and go our separate ways I don't even know if Sam will have me, but even if not it's still for the best, isn't it?
"It was months back, and it only lasted a few weeks"
"What happened?" She asks, and I shrug and turn to face her.
"I stopped it. For Jessica. I just had to"
She regards me for a moment, then laughs softly, bitterly.
"That's exactly what I did" She says, and I look up at her, surprised.
"What?"
"That's what I was doing this weekend. Breaking up with Bill. Bill Hayward, from work"
"For Jessica?" I ask, and she nods, holding our daughter close.
"For Jessica" She whispers, and I take my wife and our baby in my arms. We hug each other tightly for a few minutes, then we part.
"Was it just a fling, or do you want to be with him?" I ask her outright, and she stutters and looks around.
"The truth please Amanda, it's important"
She looks up at me, the tears flowing freely now, and bites her lip.
"I...I think I love him" She admits, and I feel a tiny twinge in my heart. Nowhere near as big a twinge as when Sam told me she doesn't love me as much as she used to, but a twinge nonetheless. She is my wife after all, and the mother of my child, I do have some feelings for her.
"Do you...do you love Sam?" She asks, obviously knowing where I've been, and the corner of my mouth lifts in a twisted smile and I nod.
"Yes I do, very much"
She looks down, obviously feeling that sudden twisting of pain I did, then she looks up, her face so sad.
"Oh God Jack, what are we going to do?"
"Amanda...you don't love me...and...and I don't love you" She looks hurt for a second, tears pouring down her cheeks, then she actually looks relieved, and I must admit I feel a little of that myself. After all this time we've never admitted the truth, and it feels quite cathartic to finally be able to do so. To finally *have* to be able to do so.
"So what now?" She asks, looking at little Jessica on her knee, and I sigh.
"I don't know. All I do know is we can't go on like this. We did this for Jessica but in the end it's just gonna be unfair for her"
"I know. How can she ever be happy if her parents are so unhappy?"
I nod, and my eyes stray to Jess who's sitting happily gurgling, pulling on two handfuls of her mothers hair. I snort then, at the ludicrousness of the whole situation, and Amanda turns to look at me, well used to my sense of humour by now.
"Maybe the five of us could buy a big house and move in together"
She laughs at that, actually laughs, and I'm reminded once again why I like her so much, and I do...I do like her, very much.
"Amanda...whatever we do...whatever happens...for Jessica's sake we have to remain friends"
She looks across at me, a wry smile forming on her face, and shakes her head a little.
"Jack...friends is what we've always been"
I nod, and smile, and we both let go long sighs. We lean back in our seats and our eyes meet again, and I guess it's time we started getting down to it.
"Let's talk"
***************************************
It's been two weeks.
Two weeks since Jack left here, two weeks since he promised me that he'd sort things out, make everything better, come back for me.
Two weeks...And I haven't heard a single thing from him.
He hasn't called, he hasn't come around and he hasn't left a message. At first when I went off world I was worried that I'd miss him, and I'd rush home to check my messages, but after two weeks of this, and no word, I'm beginning to think I'll never hear from him again. As far as I know they could have decided to move. Jack and Jessica could be living in another state altogether, but I thought at least he would let me know. A note, a letter, a brief message, anything. But no, nothing. Looks like he's chosen to sidle backwards out of this one, and apparently he doesn't deem me worth an explanation. Well he never gave me an explanation for leaving the first time so why should he give me one now?
He gave me hope. He let me think that we could be together, that I could finally be with the man I love freely. No more hiding, no more meeting in secret. Together. And then once again he pulled the rug right out from under my feet. So what do I do? I get in my car and drive around, and then I find myself in his street. I drive slowly along, trying not to fear the worst, trying to tell myself that it might just take him some time, and then I approach and pass his house, and my knuckles go white on the steering wheel.
He lied to me.
I let that man get close again and he lied to me.
Both cars, his and Amanda's, are parked neatly side by side in the driveway, with the sparkle of the newly washed, and Jack's hockey net is sitting by their side, a stick and a couple of balls obviously just freshly abandoned in front of the door. A watering can lies on the step next to a pair of gardening gloves, and an escapee plastic brick lies forlornly on the front g rass.
What a cosy scene of happy domesticity.
What a bastard.
Stemming any traitorous tears that try to flow, I drive slowly back to my place, and start to pack my belongings away. Well if he thinks he can renew our pathetic friendship after this he's mistaken, very sadly mistaken.
Within the day I'm standing looking around at the bare living room of my new apartment, where he's never, ever going to find me.
Goodbye Jack, I hope I never see you again.
**************************************
"Hello? Jack...well it's nice to hear your voice son but it's been a hell of a long time hasn't it? A little too long don't you think?"
I can't help but make a dig at how he's upset everyone in this base, but undaunted he rattles on, his voice quick and urgent, and very demanding. The old Jack O'Neill we all used to know and love. Huh. I sit back in my chair as he slowly gets to whatever point he's trying to make, but he's taking a little too long to dispense with the pleasantries. That only means he wants something he knows I shouldn't give him.
"Yes son I'm fine thanks for asking, how's little Jessica? Good good, now they didn't make me General because I'm good looking son, get to the damn point"
He beats around the bush for another while, then he finally gets down to it, and to be honest what he asks me for doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
"Jack, you know I can't do that"
He starts to get angry, starts to shout down the phone at me, but I just wait him out. Jack has two kinds of rage, one that soon blusters itself out, and one you don't usually see but burns under the surface. Thankfully, this is the first.
"Jack..."
Try again...
"Listen to me..."
Nope. He doesn't want to...
"Son, I can hang up very easily"
Finally he stops, and his voice changes to reason. He goes on like this for a while, and I block every attempt he makes to talk around me, knowing I'm right, and then he changes tack, surprising the hell out of me.
"Now come on Jack I...look son, I'm under strict instructions not to tell anyone, most especially you, now...I know son, I know, well maybe you are, but I can't just....Jack, she's like a daughter to me, if you so much as say a cross word to her you'll have both Jacob and I on your back"
Suddenly his voice looses all cohesion, and if I didn't know any better I'd say he was almost in tears. He tells me that I'm the only person he can turn to, and that if I do this one little thing for him then he'll be eternally in my debt. I don't think I've ever heard him like that, and damn if it isn' t starting to sway me. I think for a moment, weighing up my options, then I make a decision.
"Okay Jack, I'll do what you ask, on the sole condition that when this is all sorted out you call me and we talk about you coming back to work when your daughter is old enough, have you got that?"
He thinks for a moment, then mumbles a weary assent, and I sigh, all my defences worn away. I try asking him exactly what he intends to do with the knowledge, and he quickly informs me of the relevant details and the outline of his plan. I lean back in my chair and purse my lips, taking a quick look at SG-1 through the window as they filter into the briefing room for a planning debriefing, their CO's face etched with a longstanding pain, and I sigh and give in, just like he knew I would.
"Go get a pen son" I tell him, and hope that this time he doesn't screw up any more lives.
**************************************
Tough mission today, and explaining it all to Hammond was even more difficult. Much though I love being the CO of SG-1 it's very hard, and sometimes it's a burden and responsibility I could easily do without. Still, I wouldn't really give it up, and Daniel and Teal'c keep me going. Deciding to have a well deserved relaxing night, I fetch some wine from the fridge, and am halfway to the sofa when the door buzzer sounds. I pause, confused, knowing that Daniel and Teal'c would probably phone first. It might be my elderly neighbour checking up on me again, so I decided just to open the door.
Slipping some shoes on I unlock the door, and when I open it I see someone I would never, ever expect to see.
"Uh..."
"Hi Sam, can we talk?"
Amanda, Jack's wife, stands in the doorway, wrapped up warm in a large overcoat, casually dressed in jeans and a jersey underneath, her long red hair gathered at her nape. She doesn't look angry or mad, but her arms are folded across her chest, and I start to panic.
"Amanda...look, I don't know how you found me but..."
"Sam..."
"You don't have to worry about me Amanda, I haven't seen Jack for weeks..."
"Sam, that's not why I'm here..."
"I'm not going to phone or call around anymore, I'll stay away..."
"Sam...I'm not here to warn you off"
Well what then, is she here to gloat? To tell me their moving away and that I'll never see him again? Is that it?
"Please...just let me go..."
"No. We have to talk. Now"
"What about?"
"About you, and Jack"
"There is no me and Jack"
"Well that's not what he tells me" She adds, sighing, and I just stand there.
"Sam, I promise I'm not here to shout at you, we have some things to sort out"
She's calm, collected, and waiting for me to answer, and I find I can't send her away. Instead I step backwards into my apartment and she follows me. She settles on the couch and I fetch another wineglass, and she takes the offered wine gladly. She takes a long sip, settling back, and only when she' s removed her heavy coat does she turn to me.
"How did you find me?" I ask, not meeting her eyes, and she places her wineglass back on the table and smiles.
"That's not important"
"Yes it is...I want to know"
"Jack found you, that's all I know" I nod slowly and look away. General Hammond did look guilty today. I should have known that Jack could get around him, well thanks General.
"What are you here for?" I ask Amanda, deciding to let her tear me apart if that's what she's wants, and she smiles sadly to herself as she studies my coffee table.
"I'm not here to blame you for anything if that's what you think. Actually, I'm here to make Jack's case for him"
"What?" She nods, and I just sit there. What does she mean make his case for him, does she expect me to forgive and forget and go back to being friends with him? Hell maybe they're looking for a free babysitter. I can see why he sent her around, there's no way I'd even listen to him, not now.
"Amanda look, I don't mean to be rude but if Jack expects me to be his friend now he's asking a bit much"
"Sam, he doesn't want to be friends"
"Well what is this? I don't understand what either you or he want from me. What's so important that you had to..."
"We're getting a divorce"
"Oh"
She laughs suddenly, at my reaction, and laughs again when she sees my shocked face.
"Oh dear...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, but your face Sam..."
"I don't understand, you're still living with him..."
"As of tomorrow I move out. I was waiting to find an apartment and Jack wanted me to stay with Jessica and him until I found one. I'm moving in with Bill, my boyfriend"
She must see the look on my face then, and she quickly jumps in before I have the chance to jump to any conclusions.
"We decided to divorce that night he came home after leaving you Sam. I guess we finally knew this was all a charade, and I told him I loved Bill, and he told me he loved you"
"And?" I say, a little harsher than I meant, and she looks plainly at me, and I feel like an ignorant child.
"Sam, it's taken this long to sort everything out. Jack wanted us to start the divorce proceedings and I wanted to be moved out before he told you, but when he phoned and came to see you he found out you'd moved. He searched for you, realising that you must have thought we were back together, but he couldn't find you. When he finally got your address I volunteered to come and speak to you"
"Why?"
"Well for one he knew you probably wouldn't speak to him, and secondly I thought I could tell you my point of view. Sam, there's probably a lot you don't know about me and Jack, I know because he was afraid to tell you at the time because he was in love with you"
"Amanda, I don't think there's anything you could tell me that..."
"I wanted to have an abortion Sam, did he tell you that?"
"No...no he didn't"
"I love my job Sam, and I just wasn't ready to be a mother. Sure it's something I'd thought about, something I thought I'd eventually get to, but I certainly had no plans to have a child with a man I didn't know very well"
"What...what changed your mind?"
"Jack did. When I told him that I didn't want to go through with it...he was devastated. He tried to talk me around but I didn't want to hear it. He would call me and come around everyday, trying to make me change my mind, it was all he thought about"
Finally...finally Jack's behaviour back then made sense. Oh God no wonder he felt he couldn't talk to me. How could he confide in me and tell me he was spending all his time trying to persuade some woman I'd never met to have his baby? Especially with everything we'd just gone through between ourselves. Oh God and the way I treated him when he kept being late and tired and stressed. I had no idea. Later when he was suddenly married I thought that he just didn't care about us, about me anymore. I thought he was spending all his time in bed with this woman, where in actuality he was begging her to have his daughter, his beautiful daughter Jess.
"So...so he persuaded you?"
She sighs and sags in her seat, rubbing her eyes.
"It didn't work quite like that. Jack and I were on much less than good terms at the time because he wouldn't leave me alone, and I was getting to be a physical wreck. My work was suffering and I spent most of my time huddled on my couch crying or listening to him banging on my door. God I almost got thrown out of my apartment because of him"
"So...what happened, in the end?"
"In the end...in the end it was getting close to my last chance to decide, and he came to my house one last time. He knocked so quietly that I just opened the door, not thinking it was him. He just stood there, looking like an absolute wreck, and even after it all I let him in, he had this look in his eyes, I just had to"
She looks at her feet, and I can't help but feel tears prick at my eyes. I know what that look is, I've opened my door to that look before, and I sent him away. God I can't help but think that my actions that one night might have precipitated all of that, though I would go back on nothing that would take his daughter away from him.
"And then, then he just fell to his knees in front of me, and he...he started to cry. He just looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and begged me to have Jessica, begged me not to take this last good thing away from him, and when I started to shake my head he took my hand and asked me to marry him. And suddenly all those doubts I'd been having just swamped me, and I said yes, to both"
She covers her face with her hands, sobs escaping her, and I bite back my own tears to extend a shaky hand onto her shoulder. The sobs don't last long though, and she quickly recovers. She wipes at her eyes and after a few brief moments you would never have known he'd been crying. She's a strong woman, and any feelings of hatred I ever harboured against her have long since paled, replaced by respect and even a grudging like. I even reach out to touch her shoulder gently, and she quickly dries her eyes and composes herself.
"Do you know how we met?" She asks, memories dancing in her eyes.
"No...he never said...we...we never knew anything until he told us he was getting married...to you"
She lowers her head, eyes closed, and shakes it gently.
"Well I'm hardly surprised he never told you, I don't think he was overjoyed at the way it happened"
"What do you mean?"
"We met in a bar, cliché of cliches Jack said"
She smiles a little, and I can't help but grin. Yeah that's exactly what he would say.
"I'd been drinking with friends from work, and I'd just had an argument with a man who professed to love me. It all ended badly, my friends left, but I just didn't want to go home"
She stops, takes a deep breath, as if recounting how all this started causes her pain, which I suppose in a way it does.
"Jack was in much the same way. In fact, he had just gone through the same things"
He had? I think back to the time he left, and then I remember why his sudden announcement of marriage was so very painful at that time. Just a month or so before we'd undergone our Za'tarc testing, and the time in-between had been hell...for us both. And then...then there was that night he turned up at my door, wanting to talk, and I got so scared we ended up having a huge argument on my doorstep and he stormed off.
"Look Sam, I'm not here to make excuses for him, for me, for us for any of it, but I just want to make you see that this whole thing comes down to that one night we spent together, and after that it was out of our control. Hell it wasn't even a great night, we were so drunk and tired he feel asleep on me the second time we had sex"
I can't help but laugh and she joins me, and even though this situation is so absurd I actually feel a little better. She straightens then, and smiles a little sadly.
"Not that it matters, it only takes once. We saw each other a few times, but we both knew there was nothing in it, it was just sex and companionship. After a few times he stopped it, saying he was just using me to pretend he was with someone else, but I never found out until much later that it was you. Then found out I was pregnant, felt he should know, and, well, you know the rest"
"Yeah. I...I appreciate you telling me this Amanda, I really do, but I should..."
"You should talk to Jack" She says, gathering up her coat, and I jump to my feet in front of her.
"Amanda, look, I can't just..."
"Why not? Look, there's nothing in the way now Sam. No regulations or whatever it was, and no wife. Jack has always been my friend, and still is, and I want what's best for him, and that's you Sam. I know you're hurt and I know you both need to work on it, but please don't throw this away because we made some mistakes, it happens"
She stands there, hands on my shoulders, asking me to give her husband a second chance, and I find myself swaying. She leans forward, forcing me to meet her eyes, and with tears blurring my vision I nod once, and she smiles. Slipping her jacket on she walks to the door and out into the hall, and I stand in the doorway and watch her go. She stops at the corner and smiles at me, and I smile back and am about to shut the door when Jack appears with Jessica in his arms.
His eyes find mine, and his body language is subdued, quiet, pleading to be forgiven. His soft, brown eyes beg me, beg me to love him and give him yet another chance, and I wonder how I could ever say no. Amanda smiles from me to Jack then takes little Jessica from his arms. She nods at me once, squeezes Jack on the shoulder and leaves.
And then it's just me and Jack.
He doesn't advance on me, just stands there, keeping his distance, and I guess he's learned his lesson about rushing in. He doesn't seem to have an opening gambit though so it looks like it's up to me.
"Did General Hammond give you my new address"
"Ah don't blame him Sam, he didn't have much choice"
"He didn't?" I ask, curiosity piqued.
"I cried on the phone...that was enough to make him crack. You know he's a big softy"
Jack looks so sheepish at admitting this, and then so hurt when I laugh that I almost rush over and squeeze him in my arms, and it takes a great deal of composure not to do so. We lapse back into silence, and he shifts uncomfortably on his feet, and eventually I sigh and turn back to the door. Once inside I stick my head out to find his body sagging as he looks at the floor.
"I guess somebody should help me finish this bottle of wine" I say, and his head snaps up, eyes hopeful, and I step inside, leaving the door open. I don 't look to see if he follows me in, the pair of strong arms that encircle me and pull me against a firm chest tell me all I need to know.
Maybe that wine can wait.
***************************************
The cold wind whips through the trees and I have to pull my jacket closer around myself as I smile and say my goodbyes and watch the people pile into the car. Jack stands beside me on the doorstep, head held high, but with a lump in his throat as he watches the car containing his soon-to-be-ex-wife and his little daughter drive away. I let him deal with this by himself for a few moments, then I walk up behind him and fling my arms around his waist. He grabs my arms and holds them tight about him, then he turns and crushes me against him, hiding his face in my hair. He tries to deal with it without me knowing, but I feel a sudden lurching sob in his chest and I pull away, and touch his cheek.
"Hey...she's not gone far. She's only across town" I remind him, and he nods bravely, corners of his eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"I know, I know...it's just..."
"You know she'll be fine with Amanda and Bill" I tell him, and he stuffs his hands in his pockets and scuffs his feet on the driveway, glancing back at his now empty house. Well, it'll be our house soon I guess. He asked me to move in last night and I agreed. I wouldn't be surprised if he picked this weekend so he wouldn't have to deal with Jessica going away by himself, but I would have been here for him anyway, and he should know that by now. He sighs dramatically, ending in almost a squeak when he notices one of Jessica 's toys lying on the grass. He turns away, biting his lip, and I can't help but smile as I go to comfort him again.
"Jack...she'll be back on Monday" I remind him, and he sniffs, and nods, trying to look like he isn't bothered. God he's such a softy underneath. His daughter is only staying with her mother for the weekend and he's all choked up, God knows what he's going to be like if she wants to go away to college when she grows up. In the end both he and Amanda decided that Jessica would be better off with her Dad, and I think things turned out for the best. Jack is already prepared to be a full time Dad, and Amanda has taken a new job in Colorado Springs so she can be close, with Bill, her boyfriend. Jack and I even helped the two of them move in, and although it was a little weird at first, in the end the four of us actually got on quite well, and Jack and Amanda shared some joke about how they should have gone for that big house for five. Jack has even been on the phone with General Hammond today, and it seems they discussed the possibility of Jack coming back to work at the SGC in some sort of capacity once Jessica is old enough for school. When he hung up Jack hugged me soundly, and I told him how glad I was he was thinking of coming back to work, and he told me that I could take the time off work to look after Jessica's little brother or sister when they were came along. I just blushed and hid my head in his shoulder, and he laughed gently and told me he loved me. Well, I guess now I'm going to be living here with Jessica that I'm going to get plenty of practise at being a mother, and having a baby with Jack, sometime, would just make everything perfect.
So, things have turned out alright in the end, but not everything is taken care of. I glance at my watch and Jack stiffens, and I reach out to touch him. Just one hurdle left now.
Well...two really.
***************************************
I start to rock on my feet, alternating that with pacing up and down and checking my watch, and Sam eventually has to slap my arm to stop me.
I can't help it, this has just been a big day.
First of all Sam's moving in today after I asked her last night, but to be honest she was already living here. She's only been back to her place a few times since Amanda moved out, and only really to get clothes and water her plants, and hell half her stuff is here already. We decided just to live here, and not move, as Jessica is used to this house, and we need time to settle. The only change we're making is that we're swapping the bedrooms over so the master bedroom will be Jess's old room, and I bought a new bed. Sam never asked for any of these things, but I feel we need that new start, some things of our own before we tried to be a family. I mentioned kids of our own today and she gave me the most delightful blushing smile and buried her head against me. God she loves Jess so much and she's so good with her, I just can't wait till she gets to have her own kids, she's a natural mother.
Again I find myself thinking of Jess, but this time I don't even feel tears prick at my eyes, I have it all under control now. Sam's right, I'm stupid feeling this way, she's only away for a weekend. I should be glad we finally have some time to ourselves, but it's not gonna be all fun and games, oh no, in fact the next couple of hours are gonna be hard, very hard. Sam nudges me in the ribs then, and I feel my heart leap at the sound of a car door closing across the street. I turn and follow Sam slowly down the driveway, my heart in my mouth and not a single word prepared. I stop on the sidewalk and look down the street at the now empty car, and Sam turns to look at me. She smiles, telling me it's all gonna be okay, and as I feel her fingers slip into mine I think that maybe she's right. I look back at the car and at the two figures standing beside it, and take a deep breath. Teal'c is standing ramrod straight, just watching us, and Daniel glances in my direction then stuffs his hands down into his pockets and looks at the ground.
Nope, this is not gonna be easy. Basically this is gonna take a hell of a lot of explaining, apologising and grovelling before I can start to set things straight, and more than likely a bit of time before my friends forgive me. Well, the quicker I start...
Forcing a smile I walk towards them, preparing some opening gambit, and as Daniel's hurt eyes flick up to meet mine I feel Sam's finger's tighten around my hand, lending me her strength. Thank you God for giving me this second chance, and thank you Sam for taking me back. We've hardly spent a minute of downtime apart since we made up, and this is how I plan to spend the rest of my life, if she'll keep me.
Sam shouts a greeting to her friends, but all eyes are on me and my stomach starts to churn. This is going to be so difficult, but I'll manage, I'll get through it, I'll survive, and I'll do it because of Sam, because of her, because of what she is and what she does for me.
She's my baby.
******************************** THE END ********************************
Story Notes: EMAIL: dustdevil@btinternet.com
WARNINGS: Adult language and themes
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Set after Divide and Conquer
NOTES: I wanted to try a little male/female role reversal, but I'm not sure if it quite works or not. I think given Jessica as the key that its not too far fetched. Hopefully :)
WARNINGS: Adult language and themes
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Set after Divide and Conquer
NOTES: I wanted to try a little male/female role reversal, but I'm not sure if it quite works or not. I think given Jessica as the key that its not too far fetched. Hopefully :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]