~* ** ~ The Importance of Colonel O'Neill ~ ** *~
General Hammond strolled into the control room, glancing out of the glass at the idle Gate. He sighed.
"Any word from the Tok'ra, Davidson?" he asked the Gate Technician.
"It's Davis, sir," Tech Guy Davis corrected idly. "No word yet."
He paused. "It's been more than a week now, sir," he said in concern.
"I know that, Airman," said Hammond with a frown.
"We're starting to observe... symptoms of Colonel O'Neill's absence," the Technician continued. "It's only going to get worse."
"I'm aware of that. Just... keep me posted on any serious developments. And let me know the moment the Tok'ra make contact."
"Yes sir."
Hammond turned to leave, and one of the screens caught his eye. He leaned closer to try and see what was different about it. Sure enough, in front of the Stargate motif with the flashing word 'idle', four small stick men could be seen running in jerky animation up a sketched in ramp. Hammond peered closer. It was hard to tell, but as they emerged from the Stargate again Hammond could have sworn that one of them had a little cartouche on its head, with the symbol of a serpent...
"Airman, what is this?" he asked with a sigh.
Davis looked embarrassed. "Oh... just a little something I created to pass the monotony, sir," he said. "Sorry."
"Just get rid of it, Airman," said Hammond.
*************************************************
In Samantha Carter's lab, an array of strange and alien implements littered the bench. Random banks of coloured lights with no discernable purpose flashed ominously. Computers whirred quietly in the background. Sam and Janet stood over the bench, staring hard at the problem that lay before them. It was a serious one, and the solution had so far eluded them. It had been one of Daniel's most precious and personal studies, and Sam and Janet had sworn to continue it after his Ascension.
"It's no good, the results are inconclusive," said Sam. "We'll just have to start all over again."
"Maybe if we add more sugar..." Janet suggested, but Sam shook her head.
"No, we can't introduce a new variable at this stage," she said. "We'll just have to refine the apparatus and start again."
Janet pulled an old and obviously much-handled log book from the shelf. Pieces of paper and odd notes stuck out from it at all angles. She opened it reverently on the title page, and ran her hand over the writing.
'Long-term study: Does coffee cool quicker if you add the milk immediately, or is it faster if you let it cool a little first and THEN add the milk?'
Janet smiled sadly at Daniel's words, immortalised forever in this most sacred and special of all his works.
"You know, he always meant to publish it someday," said Janet quietly.
"He might get the chance," said Sam. "Haven't you been online recently? Loads of fans want Daniel back. They're saying he might return in season seven."
"I hope so," said Janet with a sigh. "We're not doing too well with this; we could use his help."
At that moment, three figures entered the room. One was Major Davis, but Janet didn't recognise the other two.
"Major," said Janet to Davis.
"Doctor," he replied with a nod of the head.
"Who are these people?" Janet asked.
"Ah, this is Doctor Elizabeth Cava, and Professor Benjamin Turner," Major Davis replied. "I've brought them along to help with the study. Doctor Cava is an expert in thermodynamics, and Professor Turner's field is advanced fluid phase transitions."
"Doctor," said Janet.
"Doctor," said Cava.
"Doctor," said Sam.
"Doctor," said Turner.
"Major," said Cava.
"Wait, hang on a second," said Sam, frowning. "Didn't you just call me Doctor?" she asked Turner.
"No, I was speaking to Dr. Fraiser," Professor Turner replied.
"Oh," said Sam. "Ok, carry on."
"Professor," said Janet.
"Major," said Turner.
"Professor," said Sam.
"Doctor," said Davis.
"Hang on, hang on," Janet interrupted. "You know all of us. You can't say anything."
"Sorry," Major Davis apologised, looking bashful. "Just got... caught up in the moment."
"Where did we get to?" Cava asked.
"Um... Professor?" Janet volunteered. "I'm not sure."
"I think we got past that," said Sam. "Are we up to Doctor yet?"
"We said that at the beginning," said Janet.
"But did we say it enough?"
"I don't know."
"Alright, start again," said Sam. "Let's get this right: Doctor,"
"Major."
"Doctor."
"Professor."
"Doctor."
"Doctor."
"Major."
"Professor."
"General."
"Prof- What?" said Sam, mid flow. "There's no General here."
"Uh, actually I was speaking to General Hammond," said Major Davis. "He's in the doorway."
They turned to look.
"General, hi," said Sam.
"I think this has gone far enough, Major," said General Hammond sternly.
Janet frowned. "You mean the coffee investigation, sir?" she asked, puzzled.
"No, I mean this 'Major' 'Doctor' 'Professor' business," the General replied. "It stops right now. It's getting ridiculous."
"Sorry, sir," said Sam. "But without Colonel O'Neill here..." she trailed off.
"He always used to tell us when to stop," said Janet wistfully. "Without him here, we just seem to go on indefinitely."
"See what you can do about it, Doctor," said General Hammond with a sigh. "I'll send a message to the Tok'ra; tell them it's getting urgent and we need Colonel O'Neill back as soon as possible."
"Yes, sir," said Janet.
"What's this about a coffee experiment, anyway?" asked General Hammond, interested despite himself. It was a fatal mistake.
"Oh, it's something that Daniel was working on," said Sam enthusiastically. "To do with the cooling phenomena inherent in coffee - whether the falloff of flux is related to the molecular composition of the coffee or is inbuilt on a quantum level, in accordance with theories of narrative imperative and causality momentum..."
"Sam?" Janet questioned. Sam's eyes had begun to glaze, and she was turning blue through lack of breath.
"...and unlike tea, the sugar content actually alters the thermodynamic properties of the liquid, so that on a molecular level the uncertainty of the system is increased and the Brownian motion becomes ever more unstable in its resolution..."
Sam began to tremble. Sweat beaded on her forehead.
"She's babbling, sir!" said Janet urgently. "We need to get her to the infirmary!"
"Can't you shut her up?" asked Major Davis.
"I don't know how!" Janet snapped. "The Colonel was the only one who could ever stop her techno-babbling! I don't think she's drawn a breath since she started!"
Sam toppled over, although fortunately into Major Davis, who caught her. She was still babbling: words like 'thermodynamics', 'uncertainty principle' and 'Copenhagen interpretation' rising out of the sea of arcane gibberish until oxygen deprivation caused her to pass out entirely.
***********************************************************
General Hammond headed back to the control room.
"Send a message to the Tok'ra," he snapped at Tech Guy Davis. "Tell him that we need Colonel O'Neill back urgently."
"Yes, sir," said Davis.
"And have you seen Teal'c, Donald?" Hammond asked.
"Davis, sir; and no, not today, sir."
Hammond sighed. "Find him, would you?" he asked. "I'll be in my office."
He walked off, and then stopped. On one of the monitor screens, quite clearly, a little stick figure Teal'c could be seen beating another stick figure over the head with a staff weapon. The other stick figure was eating what looked like a banana... Hammond sighed again.
"And get rid of this, Sergeant," he ordered.
"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."
***********************************************************
Several hours passed. Hammond tried to concentrate on the reports on his desk, but somehow they just didn't seem as interesting as the ones he had had from Colonel O'Neill. There was a knock on the door.
"Come," he said absently. Janet entered.
"Ah, Doctor," said General Hammond, pleased of any kind of distraction. "How's Major Carter?"
"We've sedated her for now, sir," Janet replied. "We don't know if she'll still be babbling when she wakes up; and frankly, I think it's best to let her try and sleep it off. It may just pass..."
"What if it doesn't?" the General asked.
Janet shrugged. "We'll just have to hope that Colonel O'Neill gets back soon," she said helplessly. "Honestly, sir, he's the only one who's ever been able to make her stop. But there's more sir."
Hammond sighed. "I take it it's not good news?"
Janet shook her head. "No, sir. All of SG-1 has been... down since Colonel O'Neill left. I think it's something to do with his sense of humour. Without it, they all get morose and miserable. I found Teal'c in his room - he's been meditating for more than twenty-four hours! And he's gone back to speaking in monosyllables and raising his eyebrows! I don't know how much longer we can last without the Colonel, sir, to be honest."
"That's not the worst of it," said Hammond. He pulled a sheet of paper out of a file. "This is a message from the Commissary. They say they're almost overflowing with cake and blue Jell-o and on-one's eating it! I know Colonel O'Neill used to take Major Carter to the Commissary for cake and Jell-o almost every day."
"Well, she won't eat it without him here," said Janet. "Cake has... emotional significance," she added carefully. "And that's another thing, sir," she went on.
"What's that, Doctor?" the General asked.
"Gossip," said Janet. "The whole base used to talk about what `Sam&Jack' were doing - there were websites and mailing lists and everything! Without it, everyone just gets bored and starts causing trouble. Remember all that fuss when the Colonel was on Edora for three months?"
Hammond winced. The antics of the gossip deprived Airmen had been bad enough; worse, however, had been the industrial-sized tantrum thrown by Major Carter when Colonel O'Neill eventually returned. Several rooms on the base were still structurally unstable, and Laira had been relocated to a planet without a Stargate for her own protection.
"Well, something has to be done," he said. "See what you can come up with, Doctor. In the meantime, send Jonas Quinn down the Commissary. He seems to spend all his time eating anyway."
********************************************************
Janet went back to the Infirmary and sat dejectedly at her computer. No one was ill, no one needed an injection, and there wasn't even an interesting psych report to read. She logged onto Yahoo!, but the samandjack group was eerily quiet. She sighed; of course, without Jack here, what was there to talk about? What could anyone say? There was some desultory speculation on when he would be returning, but other than that a morose gloom had silenced even the online community.
Janet sighed dejectedly. There was nothing for her to DO. Now, if only she still had the keys to Storage Room X, she could have some fun...
Suddenly she sat bolt upright. She knew EXACTLY what the SGC needed. But first, she needed Jonas. He seemed to be an expert swimmer, as well as looking good in a wet t-shirt, which was always a bonus. Barely half an hour later, driving like a maniac, she pulled up outside Colonel O'Neill's house and led Jonas – forcibly – round to the backyard. She explained – with hand gestures – exactly what she needed Jonas to do.
"You want me to dive into Colonel O'Neill's pond?" Jonas asked.
"Yes."
"And get the keys from the bottom?"
"Yes."
"Alright," Jonas said, and shedding his shoes and socks, he began to take deep breaths. Janet, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered to wait for him to get psyched up and pushed him in.
******************************
An hour or so later, a rather damp Jonas and a triumphant Janet returned to the base. Janet headed straight for Hammond's office.
"Storage Room X?" said Hammond dubiously. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Doctor?"
"What other choice do we have, sir?" Janet asked. "We have to give them something to do until Colonel O'Neill gets back. Now, with the contents of Storage Room X we can keep the whole Base amused indefinitely."
Hammond was uncertain. He remembered what had happened the last time Janet had opened up Storage Room X – but then again, what else was there to do? The mythical Store Room on Level 29 would provide enough strange costumes and odd devices for the whole Base to play with.
"Alright, you have a go," Hammond said reluctantly. "But try and keep things under control."
************************************************************
A few hours later, and various Airmen and SG personnel were running happily around the Base, their good mood restored. A vast game of Cowboys and Indians was in progress, spanning several floors; the whole of Level 15 had become a glittering casino complete with gangsters, bright lights, and no less than four James Bonds sitting at various tables. A Detective who-dunnit had become inextricably entangled with another game of Cops and Robbers – although the robbers had been apprehended fairly swiftly and the cops were now chasing the gangsters from the casino. Storage Room X had given up its secrets in style.
"It's looking good," said Janet to Sam. "Now it's just SG-1 left."
She led Sam, Teal'c and Jonas into the Store Room, and over to the cupboard she had prepared especially. It contained three long black leather coats, three pairs of shades, and a set of lock-picks.
"The X-Files?" Sam asked, putting one of the coats on.
"I believe it could also be the Matrix," Teal'c said.
"Well, just don't try any Kung-Fu," Janet warned. "You've got a mission to investigate some small town out in the sticks where mysterious things happen during the night. The NID are probably involved somewhere as well, so you should have plenty of fun."
"Lock-picks?" Sam queried.
"You're gonna need them," Janet replied with a smile. Sam grinned.
"Hey, Janet, what are you going to do whilst we're gone?" she asked.
"Oh, well, you know…"
"What?"
"Well, they say Level 25 has turned into the Moulin Rouge…"
****************************************************
A few days passed. SG-1 returned, the collective mood of the SGC lifted, the blues dissipated, and Janet decided it was time to lock up Storage Room X again. It had served its purpose, and the Base was now back to normal. Besides, Bosworth had twenty dollars on the Tok'ra appearing in the next few days to announce that Colonel O'Neill needed rescuing, and Bosworth was usually good at judging odds.
In the Control Room, Tech Guy Davis had returned to his post, having spent the last few days pretending to be Wolverine. The monitors were humming gently, lights were flashing, things were going `beep' and a general air of normality and calm had settled. On one of the monitor screens, little stick figures of Teal'c and Jonas could be clearly seen arm-wrestling. The other two figures appeared to be kissing…
"Douglas?" Hammond said.
"Sir?" said Davis, in such a good mood that he decided to let it pass.
Hammond paused. "Never mind," he said.
Just then the Gate activated, saving Davis from any further explanation.
Bosworth and Dixon watched as the Tok'ra representative came through the Stargate. A few minutes later, SG-1 could be seen hurrying to an emergency briefing. It would seem that Colonel O'Neill was missing, and a rescue operation was to be mounted immediately. Life at the SGC had returned to normal.
"Pay up, sir," said Bosworth to Dixon. "You owe me twenty dollars."
END
Story Notes: Season: 6
Email: warrior_of_gondor@hotmail.com
copyright to Gen, April 2004
Email: warrior_of_gondor@hotmail.com
copyright to Gen, April 2004
End Notes: Well, whadya think? :D Luv Gen, xx
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]