She sits at her desk, studying her reactor again. Its all she ever does these days, when she's not offworld.
Withdrawn and detached.
She hardly even speaks to Daniel or the others anymore and when she leaves the base all she does is sleep. Retreating from the world, that's what she's doing. I wish I knew what she was hiding from.
Maybe I do know. Maybe it's the same thing I was hiding from for so long. No more though.
Now I watch her work. Earnestly, fastidiously, devotedly. As if she has nothing else to devote herself to. That's the part that hurts.
I've watched her for so long. On the battlefield. In the briefing room. In her lab. I used to love the way she would explain some abstract law of physics, patiently, willing me to understand. Sometimes I did understand but still I loved to watch her expressions as she spoke about her work. I loved to watch her mouth move and I loved the way she smiled when I cracked some lame joke.
Now she doesn't explain things. She doesn't smile at my jokes. She doesn't even display that childlike enthusiasm for her work anymore.
Withdrawn and detached.
She used to laugh at my jokes, now she doesn't even acknowledge my existence.
"Carter, why won't you listen to me?"
"The decay rate of naqueda within the reactor is directly affected by the introduction of foreign elements."
She doesn't speak to me, but into the dictaphone grasped in her hand. Still I brighten at the sound of her voice.
"Sam, please..." I move to stand in front of her, between her slender frame and the desk. She stops then and stares, but seems to look right through me, unseeing. Her eyes glaze over as if lost in thought and then a thin film of saline tears form over them. Not lost in thought. Just lost. She sits down on the high stool behind her and the dictaphone slips from her grasp. It shatters on the tiled floor, destroying her mornings work.
"You left me," she says and the sobs that chokes her voice almost destroys me. "Why did you do that?"
"I didn't mean to leave you, Sam. I was trying to help. I never would've done it if I'd known what would happen."
She bows her head as if no longer able to look in my direction and says again, "You left me." But this time her voice is barely more than a whisper.
"You had to go through without me. If you had waited any longer then the meteor that buried the Stargate would've killed you. You and Teal'c."
She stares down at her hands and picks absently at her fingernails.
"I did everything in my power, used everything that I know to bring you back but in the end it didn't make any difference."
"Yes it did, Sam! At least now I know. And I hope you know too."
Sams hands stop moving and remain lying in her lap, palms upturned. A water droplet splashes onto one of them. I look up and see that she is sobbing quietly. Reaching out, I try and touch her face, wanting to turn it towards me and have her look into my eyes. If I can do that then maybe I can make her see that things will be okay.
She moves away from me before I can make the connection.
"Would you get a grip!" she mutters, angrily wiping the moisture from her face. "Act like a goddamned professional."
Her words sting me and in my frustration I resort to anger as I have always done.
"Carter, for crying out loud, do you have to be so pigheaded?!"
Then I laugh. Pigheaded is a word that people normally use to describe me. One of the more polite ones anyway. I glance back to where Sam has resumed her work with her reactor, taking notes by hand now that her dictaphone lies in pieces on the floor.
The moments gone now. I won't get through to her this way. I leave her lab without another word to wander the corridors of the SGC in search of something to occupy my time. I'll drop in on Daniel I think. Maybe come back and see Sam later.
Maybe. Yeah, right. Of course I'll come back later. I have no choice.
************************
She's sleeping now, slumped over her notes, her hair falling over her face.. I reach out and brush the golden strands away. She sighs and whispers my name.
"Jack."
I smile at this. The sound of my name on her lips is unfamiliar to me but all the more sweet to my ears because of it. As she sleeps I notice the lines that have etched themselves into her face over the past few months and the shadows that now encircle her eyes. Her cheeks are hollow and sunken. She hasn't been eating.
"Why won't you take care of yourself Sam?" I whisper, softly.
Her expression contorts into one of anguish and she utters my name again, only this time her voice is tortured and strangled.
"Jack!"
"I'm here, Sam. I'm here. Its ok."
But she doesn't wake. Sleep is her refuge and she doesn't emerge from it willingly.
"I'm sorry, Jack."
"Why do you blame yourself, Sam? You did everything you could. Do you think I don't know that? That I didn't notice? Don't you know how grateful I am for that?"
"I miss you so much."
"You don't have to miss me. I'm right here. I'm always here. You have to know this Sam. You have to know that I love you. And I'm sorry I left you.. But I'm here now."
"I love you too Jack but it wasn't enough." She speaks as she slumbers and thin tear escapes from under her closed lid, running down the side of her face and into her hair.
"It was always enough Sam. It was all I wanted. You were all I wanted. But now you have to let go. Do you hear me? Do you understand?"
"Yes."
That's what I've waited to hear. I've tried to give her closure because I know that's what she needs.
And I need to know that she can be happy without me.
As I watch her eyes open slowly and she sits up, wiping her face. She takes a breath and pushes her hair back from her face. At first her expression is puzzled. Then a small smile appears on her face. Picking up her pencil she continues with her task. As she rereads the notes she has written a look of realisation passes across her face as she solves a problem that she must have been trying to figure for a while and I see something in her eyes akin to the joy that she formerly experienced in her work.
Before.
"You done here, Colonel?"
I say, "Yeah. I'm done."
"Well then we have to go."
"I know. Just gimme a minute."
"Sorry, Colonel, times up. Jobs done. No reason to stay."
I turn to where Kawalsky stands at the door.
"I just wish..."
"Yeah, don't we all."
I look back to where she works. Earnestly, fastidiously, devotedly. Who knows whether it would've worked or not. Was it better as a wish left unfulfilled? Or could we have made it together if I hadn't died in the meteor storm on Edora? Looking at her I know the answer.
It could've been good.
"Come on, Colonel." Kawalsky says gently, knowing how hard this is.
"Yeah," I walk over to join him at the door, but before I leave I turn back..
"Be happy, Sam."
As we walk out into the corridor I hear her speak.
"Goodbye, Jack."
________________________________________________________________________ The End
Story Notes: Season/Sequel Info: S3
Spoilers: 100 days
Authors notes: All feedback welcomed as usual.
Spoilers: 100 days
Authors notes: All feedback welcomed as usual.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]