Who am I?
It sounds like an odd question. I mean, everyone knows who they are, especially when you're my age. But I don't. I've been many different people in my life - the carefree, reckless, wild youth; the career minded man; the happily married father; the suicidal person who cared for no-one; the colonel with a purpose; the in love old man finally ready to settle down with his soul-mate. And now? Now I'm none of them.
I truly never saw it coming.
I never saw *this* coming. I thought that finally my life was sorted, that I was a person I liked and was happy with; that I would be this person until I died. I was so happy, which is why I never saw this coming.
Maybe I should have. But I didn't. I mean sure we'd had a bad month - arguing, crying, hysterics - but it had all started to get better. It's hard to explain. We thought that we were meant to be together and for a long time we made the perfect couple. Sam had got her own command about two years ago and we began dating. It wasn't like one of us went running to the other and shouted, "Now we're not both in SG-1 we can be together". It was a gradual thing.
Maybe this was a gradual thing. Maybe our self-destruction was so gradual that I never saw it coming. Maybe those little things that plagued us from the beginning were the first signs but I ignored them, or was too oblivious to see them. The bickering, the emotions that our job can cause, the lack of time together and whenever we were together we were both tired. That's all our relationship became most of the time - not seeing each other for days and then sleeping side by side when we were both home, but I didn't mind. I liked it, just being there with her. Then the arguing began. It would be over anything. She'd get annoyed that we never spent any time together. I'd get annoyed that I couldn't see the guys because she wanted to see me. She'd get annoyed because we never did anything except get a take-out and sit at home - well one of us was always too tired to do anything else. I'd get annoyed at her complaining meanwhile she was complaining that I never did anything around the house. She'd get upset when I was late back from a mission because Daniel had done something that made the mission longer. I'd get fed up with the looks that Janet gave me whenever I went for a medical and took it out on Sam, which she then told Janet about.
Then I thought I'd change it all. I retired. I figured that I could see my friends when Sam was off world and do everything around the house so that Sam and I would stop arguing. It didn't work. She was always at work and because I no longer had security clearance she couldn't tell me about it. I decided that it was she *wouldn't* tell me and I'd accuse her of keeping all of these secrets from me. I'd accuse her of meeting some alien on another planet and falling for him, or of falling for some guy on the base. Deep down I knew it was all in my mind and it was just my insecurity, but I was hurt badly before and I couldn't believe that someone like Sam would want someone like me - moody, secretive, non-talkative me.
Then she said those words - Maybe we should just be friends.
And my heart broke in two.
That was three weeks ago. I spent the first week constantly phoning her and I always got the machine. Part of me knows that it really was the machine because she was busy at work, but part of me can't help believing that she was sat there screening her calls and not wanting to talk to me. I left dozens of messages. Messages pleading with her to give me, to give us, one more chance. I told her that I could change, that things would change and that we were meant to be together. Even when Danny delivered a message from her asking me to never make any contact ever again, I still called for a while.
Then I gave up. If she heard the messages or if she hasn't, she can't be bothered to give us another go - or she just can't. I don't know. I think that I finally realise that it is over between us.
I've loved two people in my life. I drove the first one away and made her not love me and it seems that I did the same to the second love of my life. It was different when I lost Sara, though. It didn't hurt as much because I was already in too much pain from the loss of Charlie. Losing Sam has hurt me so much. It still hurts and I'm scared that at this point in my life, at this age, I'll never get over that hurt. It's not just Sam that I miss it's being with someone who loves you and feeling their love for you. I miss the little things like falling asleep with someone cuddled up next to you and waking with them still cuddled close. I miss the way that we hugged when we watched TV, whether it was some science show that I couldn't dream of following or some sport that Sam had no clue about. I miss that closeness, the thing that after Sara I thought that I could live without.
Maybe that's why I'm so upset and bitter - I was perfectly happy how I was. I was perfectly happy living on my own, fending for myself, not relying on anyone else, not needing someone else's love. She made all that change.
She made me love again.
And then she left me.
Maybe that's why I'm so upset and heartbroken this time. Yes, I loved Sara and yes, she changed my life, but not in the same way as Sam and there was no going back for Sara and I. I still love Sam and I can't believe that she doesn't love me anymore. Maybe I should have seen that coming though, I mean no one sticks around me for long, no one is safe around me for long. So I can't blame her for leaving me, but I can blame her for changing me, for making me love her.
I've lost the person I love and the person I used to be as well as the person she made me. So who am I? I'm not able to be on my own anymore because now, for the first time, I'm experiencing loneliness.
Who am I now but a lonely, old man with nothing to look forward to?
* * * * *
The End.
Story Notes: Spoilers: The Film; Cold Lazarus.
Status: Complete
Author's comments: These are just the ramblings of a heartbroken person, so please don't flame. Also this is the first fic I've written in over a year so I'm probably really rusty :)
Copyright © Elise Hudson, 2001.
Status: Complete
Author's comments: These are just the ramblings of a heartbroken person, so please don't flame. Also this is the first fic I've written in over a year so I'm probably really rusty :)
Copyright © Elise Hudson, 2001.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]