I hate Major Samantha Carter!
I do, I really *really* do.
Why is it that I just *know* you don't believe me…?
Maybe cause *I* don't even believe me!
It's just so damn frustrating.
I spend years putting up walls, not allowing myself to be touched by anyone or anything, and boom… all gone in the time it took for me to look up.
Ahh, sweet detachment! It used to come with the job, used to be a basic given. It tends not to be a good thing if you did what I did for as long as I did, and couldn't disengage yourself from things that would otherwise have made you physically sick.
Later, it came with losing the most wonderful thing in my entire life. I lost my child and wife in a matter of a second. One single solitary second to take it all away from me, for everything I loved to disappear forever. A single second as fate laughed heartily at my presumption that I could love and be loved.
How dare I?
Well from that moment on, I never dared again.
My walls went back up with renewed vigour and strength. Nothing and nobody touched me, not deeply anyway. Sure I found a place to be happy again and people to make me smile. But not even the advent of the Stargate, Daniel Jackson and Ska'ra touched me in that special place.
A place I *had* thought was gone, dead and buried with my son.
But then *she* happened, she walked into that room and took both myself and my defences by storm. With the flick of her eyes, a smile on her face and a burning desire to beat me at my own game, over the next few years, she mercilessly assaulted each and every barrier I had built through years of desolation.
Although if I am honest, when she walked into that room, she walked straight into my heart.
I tried my damndest to fight it, to pretend it didn't exist, but there again was that smiling hand of fate laughing openly at my latest presumptions. Regulations helped me, always reinforcing that I couldn't and shouldn't be feeling the way every fibre of my very being was hinting at.
I thought I could control my heart with my head, but I was wrong.
When I finally admitted it, finally admitted that she had crawled slowly but surely under my skin, through my walls and seated herself firmly in my very being, I had to admit that she had more than *touched* me in that place.
She had taken over and actually resided in that place. No longer was it my last sanctuary against hurt and pain, a place to hide from anything that threatened my walls. Now it was filled with her, and I couldn't ever tell her.
I could hear fate's amusement once more as I realised that I could never tell her that she held my heart in her hands and my soul in her eyes, that her very smile made me want to take another breath.
I could never tell her, because in a matter of another few of those short seconds, another person who had touched my soul was going to be taken away from me. The torture was acute, and achingly bittersweet.
As I looked back into those bottomless depths of blue I realised that she felt the same, *exactly* the same. For the first time in a very long time I knew what it meant to be loved and to let myself love without dread, because in her stare she gave me the most precious gift. She gave me the courage and the power to overcome my demons and my fears.
In one small second of time, she showed me how to love with heart and mind and not with fear and foreboding. Simply by letting me see that she loved me too. For the first time in my life I could die without regrets borne through cowardice, I could die with the knowledge that I loved and was loved without reservation.
But she didn't die, I didn't die and we where left with an unspoken declaration that rather than satisfying a dying man only served to enrage his soul towards a cruel and evil fate. Yet worse was to come, an actual spoken 'almost' declaration was the final straw.
Now I could no longer allow myself the haven of doubting my own interpretations, because she had said it, we had both said it, well kinda anyways.
Having it out in the open was even worse than having it in my head. I would have given anything to be able to take it out of that damn room. But I knew only a supreme assistance from the all too often cruel hand of fate would make that possible.
Surprisingly that's just what I received. All thanks to man as wounded as I, well him and a time loop doo-hickey.
I had been handed my chance and boy did I take it, and for the most wonderful of brief moments I felt what it was like to belong to her, for her to belong to me and how amazing we would be.
Which is *exactly* why I *HATE* my Major.
For I know she loves me, I know she wants me and I know how it feels to have her locked into my arms while she responds to my lips.
I know how I feel, I know that she has touched me in ways I swore no one would ever be allowed to do again, and she did it all through a smile and an unspoken determination.
She captured my heart the second I saw her, but she took her time discovering and laying claim the rest of me. She did it so slowly that I only realised she had when it was too late to save myself and I know that if we could, she'd stay there forever and I know that I'd let her.
I hate her because she pulled down my walls and touched my soul.
I hate her because she made me *feel*.
No…
I love her because she forced me to feel.
I love her because she forced me to lay down my walls and let her in.
I love you Sam and one day I will tell you: everything.
The End.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: Stargate the Movie, COTG, D&C, WoO
NOTES: Ok, I know that this isn't the one I should be working on, but it popped into my head earlier and I just had to write it down. So I hope you enjoy. As ever feedback would be lovely :)
NOTES: Ok, I know that this isn't the one I should be working on, but it popped into my head earlier and I just had to write it down. So I hope you enjoy. As ever feedback would be lovely :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]