Sand, sea and sun.
This is just what I need.
Well that's what I'm supposed to say isn't it?
I'm lying on a beautiful and mostly deserted beach somewhere on the west coast, soaking up the rays with a cocktail by my side. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Sound like your dream holiday? Well, it never was mine, I was never into this sort of thing, all I feel is extremely out of place. I spent a few days visiting my brother, see the kids, but he got tired of me pretty quick. I didn't tell him what was up, but he guessed it was something I needed to get away from, so he suggested I have a real rest. So here I am, staying at his little beach house thing he shares with some neighbours. Still, it could be worse, it could be the SGC. But let's not even think about that eh Sam? This is my holiday, and I need one. To be honest, what I really need is to not ever go back, but that isn't realistic, is it?
Shut up. Just shut up and lie back. No thinking. None at all.
Yeah right, who am I kidding? When could I ever not think? Has a second ever gone by when I haven't been analysing something in my head? I knew I should have stayed in the lab, then at least I could forget about the rest of this mess and concentrate on something I enjoy, something that would give me some peace of mind. One problem. My lab is in the SGC. And there are some things where I really don't want to run into.
You're doing it again Sam, getting dangerously close to the one topic I don't want to analyse. Not ever. Sigh. There goes that twisting feeling in my gut again, the one I can only equate with guilt, shame, and a whole slew of other negative emotions. How am I supposed to relax and unwind when all I can think of is how much I hate myself right now? I've been here for two days and still I spend the majority of my time swinging from ignoring the situation to wallowing in the bad feelings at the very thought of it. I'm supposed to be sorting myself out. Well I don't want to Janet, I don't want to even start to think about it, I...I just want to run away.
That's pathetic. I know it is. I'm pathetic. This just isn't like me. But...it just feels that if I just keep my eyes shut about it, things will still be hanging where they were, where I left them when I left Jack's that morning. Hanging in limbo. Nothing either way. All up to me. My choice. My go. My move...but I still have to decide don't I? I still have to make that choice at some point.
I wish I could say pass...
****************************************
Okaaaaaaay.
Done.
I think I'm getting the hang of this computer thingy. I mean, I'm not an idiot, I'm fairly computer literate, up to a point. Well, I can kinda navigate my way around the SGC system, and I can type my reports up, if and when they get to that stage, and I know all the security stuff, but this internet mumbo jumbo is way beyond me.
I've done all my work you see? All if it. All pending reports are in, all medicals done, headaches treated, body fit and well, home clean and fridge well stocked. I'm a regular busy-body now. I've been so energetic and efficient this last while, that I think I'm beginning to be a nuisance. Hammond has really been getting exasperated, so much so that with everything else done, he assigned me to help Danny with some research. I think it's a little convenient that I'm to help my good buddy, the one that's charged with keeping me out of trouble, but at least I'm occupied. And right now, for me, that is very, very important.
I don't get it.
How can Danny get meaningful results out of these search engines? Maybe there's a knack, but if there is then I sure ain't got it. Anything I type in, it seems to give me a load of mostly unrelated stuff. And how come no matter what you type, at least half of the sites it gives you back turn out to be porn? Oh they don't look like porn, oh no, they look like the perfect place to go till you click on it. Then somebody walks in the room just as pictures of half naked women (and God knows what else!) start scrolling down the screen. This happened yesterday, and it was Graham Simmons who walked in.
The look he gave me.
I was reading a magazine at the time as the connection was terribly slow and I was getting bored (some technician mumbled to me about getting more bandwidth but I have no idea what she was on about) and I only looked up at the screen when he rattled the door as he backed out of it. I went red I can tell you. I started to mumble that I was looking for something else, that I really didn't mean to go there, but he just said "sorry sir!" and left. I felt really bad for a while after that.
That guy just can't look me in the eye lately. Danny told me a while ago about his certain uh...fixation on...someone, and I found it all extremely amusing. The way he looked at her. It was almost...cute...I guess. Is that the right word? I should ask Janet. He followed her like a little puppy, and I was strangely satisfied that he instantly backed off whenever I was in the room. I never felt worried about it, he just never seemed like a threat, she wasn't interested in him like that. He must have known something I guess, about how I felt, and for some reason that pleased me.
He looks at me a little different now though. Apart from SG-1 and Janet and Hammond, no-one else knows the reason behind the fight that other day, only that I seem to be the reason she's gone. And he feels that too. So now he looks at me with a little more than dislike. All he knows is I caused a problem, and she's no longer here with him. Believe me I feel worse about it Lieutenant, much worse.
Ah I give up.
I'm just not getting the hang of this, I haven't found anything useful in the last two hours. What now? Well, Danny told me if I finished this (yeah right...) or got bored I could check his mail for him, and wade through it for anything interesting. Yeah right. Have you any idea how much mail this guy gets? Mostly from strangers though, from something he calls 'mailing lists'. Okay...open that...click on that...password...spmonkey. What can I say? Guy admires my wit. Doesn't everyone?
Jesus. Two hundred and thirty eight emails. Most of them from some 'archeo' and 'anthro' lists or something. That must have been what he was talking about. Sigh.
Another two hours go by. It took me almost half of that time to work out what OT meant. And I certainly know now...and avoid. I'm sure it's interesting to Danny, but I'm only looking for Sumerian stuff...I think. Check that note Jack...yeah. Phew. I'm right. Okay. A couple of things. I move them to his "to do" folder thingy. I finally finish trawling through the rest till I get to last week's dates. He should check this more often. I only check mine when I'm bored and I never get any. I should join one of these mailing list thingies, Danny says you get them on every topic. Yeah right. Who would have one I'd be interested in? Oh. What's this? Last week. A certain mail catches my eye and I can't help but look.
__________________________________________________________
From: Sam Carter
CC:
Subject: About tonight...
__________________________________________________________
Hi Danny!
I can't believe we are mailing each other from down the hall! Guess we're both so busy eh? Listen, I can't make it out for seven tonight to help you pick a new sofa. How about a bit later? That store opens late doesn't it? I can make it to yours and pick you up at eight. Would that be okay? I got some things to take care of first. The usual, boring stuff.
Let me know, Sam
___________________________________________________________
I look at the date.
I know that date.
And I also know what she was doing at seven o'clock.
Huh. She was doing me.
I can't believe this. She asked me to turn up at seven that night, and like the stupid fool I am I went. She let me in, I slept with her, and then she hurried me out cause she was off to see her brother. Her brother she said. She said he was in town again unexpectedly. She lied. She lied to me. She went out with Danny to pick a new sofa for crying out loud! She used me and chucked me out to go look at furniture!
'I got some things to take care of' it says. To take care of. Yeah, get me in the door, up to bed, a quick roll about and out again within the hour. Not bad Sam, not bad. I wonder if you kept tabs, perhaps tried to break our record?
'The usual, boring stuff' Yeah. Yeah that's me eh? I remember that day particularly, because I made a fool of myself begging her to let me back into her life. I broke down and got down on my knees in her bedroom, dressed in just my boxers. I told her how much I loved her and how great we would be together. And Sam? She just swept past me into the bathroom and got dressed. Ignored me. I think she almost pretended none of it was real. We have a real bad habit of doing that sort of thing. Oh Sam. I can't believe you could do something like that. Do you care at all? Do you? Do you Sam?
I think I'm in a bit of a state. I can't see very straight, I daresay that's the tears. My hands are sore, I guess that's due to the stuff I just swept onto the floor. I keep doing that don't I? I think I'm getting a little melodramatic in my old age. I've had enough of this. I'm going home. I no longer have the patience. I'm gonna go home and cry myself to sleep. No wonder I'm so thirsty all the time, all that water ends up rolling down my face. Screw you then Sam.
Screw you.
***************************************
Actually, actually this isn't so bad.
Another week and I find I'm actually beginning to enjoy myself here. Maybe I can relax after all. I've taken my notes out a few times, and scribbled down some extra theories or equations, but only when something really nags at my mind. And nothing has nagged for hours. I went for a swim earlier today, and it was a lot of fun. It's been too long since I did that, too long since I did a lot of those fun things. Lying in the sun, swimming in the sea, drinking during the day. I feel like a bit of a rebel! I could really get to enjoy this.
I've had quite a few cocktails already today, and the best thing is I haven't even had to get up. David's been bringing them. He works here, at the beach bar, and he's taken it upon himself to be my personal fetch and carry man. I don't mind, he's cute. And the looks he gives me! It's always nice to feel attractive. Hmm, as a matter of fact, he's a lot more than cute. He spends his days swanning about on the beach in a tight T-shirt and shorts. What a life. Certainly not for me, but I don't mind dropping in for a while. And he is nice. I like the fact that I know nothing about him, and I don't want to know. Nice firm body, sculpted lines, hard muscles. But not too much. I look back over my shoulder and he sees me and smiles. I've finished my drink.
"Another Samantha?"
"Yes please"
He scoops up my glass and heads back to the bar. Mmm hmm. Those hands. I imagine those hands trailing across my body, the feel of his warm breath on my neck, and over my skin. His weight against me, upon me, pushing me down against the sand. I should stop thinking this way...God it's hot here. I imagine running my fingers through that hair, feeling the short hairs at the nape of his neck, then he looks at me, says my name like a soft prayer, and I gaze into his deep brown eyes...
"Here you go Samantha"
I jerk out of my dreams and take the proffered 'sex on the beach' he hands me. Appropriate. He heads back to the bar, no doubt to clean glasses for a while, and I settle back down once more. Phew. Almost time to cool off in the sea again I think. I could really do with that. I stand and shake the sand out of my hair, and untie my sarong. I'm just about to run down to the sea when something stops me.
David has blue eyes...
****************************************
What the hell has been going here?
I can't leave the man alone with any sensitive equipment for even a minute can I? Oh and half my notes are all over the floor! What's he been doing, and where is he now? I bend down to pick a sheaf of paper of the floor, and find my favourite coffee cup in bits. Oh Jack...c'mon Jack I loved that mug! Why's he left in the middle of something, looks like he was doing the work I left him...Oh. What's this? A mail from Sam. Hmm. It's a pretty innocuous one, why would that make him freak out? Just her arranging to help me pick that new sofa. I better go find him. I'm his unofficial keeper, and any havoc he causes, gets squarely blamed on me. He doesn't like the fact that I'm responsible for him. I guess it niggles at his military core, the fact that he's a Colonel and I'm a lowly civilian. He feels pretty useless at the moment too. He's got no missions, he's not allowed to do much else, so he's reduced to helping me. It must feel like punishment for him. I should have had the sense to check for mails from Sam. I just never thought. I mean, it's not as if she sends me any weird stuff, or mentions him or anything...I better go find him. I'll just follow the trail of fallout in his wake. Airman pressed up against the walls with a look of terror on their faces, chairs and trolleys pushed roughly aside. I've come to learn the signs.
Please come back soon Sam. Please. There is only one thing than can make things better, that can bring back the Jack we used to know. And that's you Sam. That's you. Where are you? What are you doing? I hope to God you're doing some hard thinking.
Right. The coffee is still hot. There's still steam rising from the floor. He can't have got far. Okay. Office first. Still doesn't explain why he got so mad. She couldn't have phoned or anything, I'd have heard that. So why did that email freak him out so? Surely just seeing her name wasn't enough. Unless...Oh. Okay...so that might have made him mad.
I leave the lab then, and head for his office. The door's locked, and I knock and call his name. No answer. But I still think he's there.
"Jack...please Jack...you don't want me to get Janet do you?"
The door opens then. That was a cheap shot. That really was. Jack's pride is getting cut down by the minute. I wonder if he feels like he has any friends left. He was fine with me earlier, but he treats me more like a gaoler now than a friend. I don't blame him. He skulks about the base avoiding everyone's eyes. He doesn't want any more trouble, and me? I'm heading straight for some trouble. I walk in then, and he isn't looking at me. He stands in the dark with his back to the door.
"Sorry Jack...I didn't mean that"
"Sorry I broke your mug. I know it's your favourite. I...I didn't mean it"
"It's okay. You can buy me another. I saw the mail Jack. Was she...was she meant to be with you that night?"
"Oh it's worse than that Danny. She was with me. I was her seven o'clock, you were her eight o'clock"
"Oh...I'm sorry"
"Forget it. It doesn't matter"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it doesn't matter Danny. I'm going to ask Hammond to put me on another team temporarily, or let the three of us go out. I want to go on missions, I've had enough of sitting in here being useless wasting everyone's time"
"Jack...what about..."
"Screw her Danny, screw her. If she wants to come back, fine, if not fine. I'm not sitting around here waiting for her anymore"
"Jack...you don't mean that..."
"Don't I? Well I'm sure as hell she hasn't given me a single thought wherever she is Danny. Not a single thought"
****************************************
The sun wakes me.
A shaft of golden light slants across my eyes and I leap from my bed and dive into some clothes. I trot as fast as I can down the stairs and grab my sandal's on the way out. I glance at my watch. It's not even 6 o'clock. I shrug into my light jacket against the early morning chill and when I hit the beach I run. Just run. Not in any particular direction, just away.
Oh Jack.
I can't push this away any longer, I can't.
I'm sorry Jack, I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I really didn't. You might not ever believe me, but I swear I didn't mean it. Why would I? Why would I Jack? Why would I jeopardise everything we ever had, everything we ever...that we ever could. But I did didn't I? I did it. I threw it all back in your face, threw it all away. And why? Why? I'm scared Jack. I'm scared. Oh God I can't run anymore. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. I stop, and sink panting down onto a wooden bench by the grassy shore. I won't run anymore. I won't. I'm not a child. I'm a grownup aren't I? Aren't I? Up until a month ago I thought I was. I thought I was a strong woman. Strong enough to deal with planetary threats, the death of comrades, friends, and even Jolinar...I was strong. I was. And now? Now a man that I have secretly waited for for all this time reaches out his hand for me, trusting and hopeful, and I turn and run. I run. I run and I run and I run!
I love you Jack. I love you so much it frightens the hell out of me. You scare me. You scare me. Everything you represent, everything that you could offer, and ultimately, I could end up losing. I know it's stupid, I know. It was safe before you see? Safe. I could look at you, and think of you, and talk to you and hell, even flirt with you, but it was safe Jack. Safe. I wanted you and I wanted to be with you so much, but because of our lives, our jobs, I also knew it couldn't happen. Not ever. Safe. After Jonas...after him...I think I've been doing this deliberately. Falling in love with people I can't have. It must be a subconscious thing, it's happened to me once or twice. I thought maybe...maybe this was all it was again. But it wasn't. I always knew that...that what I felt for you was...real. But still safe. Painful, hard to go through the days loving you. But Safe. Safe. Then we crossed that line. Made it real, made it possible Jack. Huh. Possible yet impossible. You offered yourself to me and I was so pleased, so happy, so in love that I went there without thinking. Huh. Me, without thinking.
Part of me never wanted it to be real. Part of me. Making the love real made all the horrible realities that come with it real as well. What if it never worked out? What if it ended badly? What if we were court martialed? What if it didn't match up to my expectations? What if he didn't? What if I didn't?
But I never got the love, and it's all gone wrong already. Already. Oh God I think I've been living some strange, sad dream. All this time, all these weeks I had convinced myself that the last time I saw Jack was when I left his house that morning. That morning when everything was a sweet, yearned for dream. And then I went home. I went home and reality started to try and creep in. But I couldn't let it. I couldn't. So I went somewhere else. I stopped time then, in my head, and the rest of it wasn't real. Not the missions, not the nights out, none of it. And not that other me and that other Jack. But it was me. It was me. I think I couldn't bear not to be near him, by him, with him, after that one night when he told me he loved me, that I had to have at least a part of him, while I worked out how to...how to make it all...work. And so I did that terrible thing. And he put up with it. With me.
Oh God he used to beg me. He begged me to just listen to him, to talk to him for one minute, and we could make it all better. That just made it all worse. I just retreated further and further into whatever sad fantasy world I was weaving for myself. Well, I'm out of it now. It's all over, broken, dispelled. And now I'm left with this terrible mess. I've messed with Jack's head and stirred up trouble at the SGC. I'm surprised Hammond didn't just get rid of me on the spot.
I have to fix this.
I have to fix it.
And us? Well, I don't know if I can fix that, or if he will even want to. But I have to do something. In a way, I'm glad that this last month doesn't seem real. I could never be with Jack again if those other times felt real. Never. All those times we...but we didn't. It doesn't feel like that to me. There were no awkward times, no screaming, no shouting, no begging, no crying. None of that. All we had was that one, perfect night. I feel like I'm still there, still pondering that decision, and I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had made the other choice. I thought I was doing what was right for me, for you, for us, for our careers. Well our careers are on the line anyway Jack, maybe...maybe we should have leaped...maybe. But I said no. I said no. I was frightened Jack. I so wanted what was waiting for me on the other side, I so wanted it, but I was more scared of falling. So I didn't make that leap. I didn't.
Well. What's changed you say? What woke me up? What gave me a slap on the face and woke me from this stupid, hurtful life? Another mistake did. Another mistake. Oh well, the sun is well up now, and people are starting to come down onto the beach. I think I'll go back and pack. I have just over a week of holiday left, and I think that would be better spent at home, trying to sort out this mess. Make things up with Danny, and Janet, apologise again to Hammond and hopefully get my job back. And Jack? I don't know. I don't know yet. One step at a time, one step at a time.
I walk slowly towards my brother's beach house, and hope that David has left. David. My mistake. My latest mistake. Another cross against my score sheet. Why did I do that, why did I sleep with him? I have no idea. I'm not like that, I'm not. I think I've just been lonely, I've become so used to having, well, someone by my side, the very ghost of Jack has been haunting me here. That sounds pathetic. What an excuse. Here I am finally forcing myself to think about Jack, and how to sort it, and I go and sleep with someone else to make up for being away with him. Some stranger. You think he's going to take you back now Sam? After that? I keep on digging myself a bigger hole, what if it's too big for me to get out of? What then? Well I have to try don't I? I have to, and hope that maybe, maybe Jack will reach in and offer me a helping hand. If he does I certainly don't deserve it. Certainly not now. Will I tell him? I have to. There's been enough lies. He won't understand though, he won't understand that for me, time has stopped. Nothing in between has been real Jack. I hope I can make you see that. But how? How can I make him forget all those hurtful words, those tears, those fights, the hundred times I pushed him away?
I have to try.
And I have to hope.
*****************************************
I don't know what to do anymore.
Jack begged Hammond to let him go off-world, and the General actually agreed. He let him take Lt. Colonel Faine's place, who's out with a broken leg. So SG-5 headed off for a standard recon. To be honest, part of me expected him never to come back. But he did. They did. And right on time to the very second. I glanced up at my clock at exactly 16:00, and "Incoming traveller" was announced. He stepped through the gate behind his team-mates, face set in a typical O'Neill scowl. By the looks of the others, he's had it for the whole mission. They got as far away from him as soon as possible, and judging by the look he gave me when I entered the locker room, he wishes I had done the same.
"How'd it go?"
"Fine Daniel. Just fine. I don't need you checking up on me"
"I wasn't checking up Jack, I was just asking. Besides, Teal'c made me ask as he's jealous you've had some excitement"
I smile at him, but neither that nor my comments change his face. There is no hint of a smile or even a slight lightening of his mood. He simply glares at me, and continues tying his shoelaces, almost ready for home.
"Anything else Daniel?"
"Uh no. You want to go out tonight or something?"
"No thanks"
With that, he straightens and turns to his locker, and starts shuffling things around. The door stands open, hiding him from me. Looks like I've been dismissed. Hell, if I was military, I'm sure he would actually have dismissed me. I wonder if he ever tried to order Sam to listen to him? Maybe. God he was desperate enough. I leave then, it's the only thing I can do. He doesn't want to let me in again right now, and if I try and force it he'll just clam up more. I don't have the energy or strength for another fight, I'm tired too. I'm tired, he's tired, Janet's tired. Even Teal'c gets a funny look on his face whenever we bring this subject up again. There just isn't really anything else left to say. Not without Sam here anyway. Janet told me about her conversation with her on the way to the airport when she got back. And to be honest it frightened me.
Sam didn't seem to be quite sure what was happening. Just that she had to get away. To think. Janet was so worried about her, she almost didn't let her go. She only let her at the last minute because Sam insisted she was going to her brother. At least she'd be taken care of there. But we haven't heard from her. Not a word since she left. I hope she's okay. She broke down to Janet, in her car. At least that gave us some hope. She was sorry, she was so sorry. She apologised to Janet, and told her to apologise to me and Teal'c. She knew she'd made some really big mistakes, and that she needed to think them over. The real worrying thing was that she never mentioned Jack, not once. She's bottling this all up, and I don't think she has really acknowledged to herself what's happening. I don't know if that's good or bad. It's good that she knows this is all wrong, but, not even mentioning Jack...Janet told me it was almost like the last month hadn't really been happening. She mentioned it to Sam, the sleeping with Jack thing, and Sam just looked at her blankly. Unhealthy, like I said, for both of them. Hammond hasn't asked us any more questions though, and that's a good thing. If he did, both Janet and I would say that neither of them were fit for duty, or much else. Not that Jack is a danger, we wouldn't have let him go if he were. Just that we don't think it's the best for him, but there's no arguing with him, and we won't go over his head to the General...not again.
So we're stuck. I wander down the corridor and find myself at the infirmary. Janet greets me with a weary smile. I smile back. I slump into a seat and she does the same. We say nothing for a long while, not willing to depress ourselves on the same old topic. Doesn't last though.
"SG-5 back okay?"
"Yeah, no problems"
"You know Daniel, for a little while I was almost afraid he wouldn't come back"
"Me too Janet. And the fact that we both thought that, however fleetingly, is really scary"
"I hope she comes home soon"
"She will come home...won't she Janet?"
"Daniel, she may be stubborn, and she may be mixed up right now, but she knows the right thing to do. She'll be back"
"And then?"
"I don't know Daniel...I don't know"
***************************************
Well...I'm back.
At home anyway. The place feels funny, almost like I haven't been here in a long time, and not just since I went on holiday. I dumped my bags downstairs, then went upstairs for a shower. And then I saw the bed. I hadn't made it. I hadn't made it that morning of the fight, and me leaving. I just came back and packed my bags, and left my bed unmade. Here was me hoping to gently slip myself back into the real world and take things slowly, work up to making the big decisions, thinking about the big topics. Hard awakening Sam. I go and pick one of the pillows of the bed, to straighten it. Another mistake. I can smell him. I can smell Jack. He was here that night, that morning. Oh God he was here. It is real. I've done this to him. I've done this. I remember that night. It was late and cold so I let him stay. He begged me to let him stay. I wouldn't let him near me though, and made him sleep on the other side of the bed. I remember how I kept waking up, how in his sleep he would keep gravitating towards me, how I would wake with his lean firm body pressed against mine, perhaps an arm flung haphazardly across me. And each time I would untangle myself and move away. And each time he would move towards me again, seeking my warmth. And I would recoil.
This isn't some horrible nightmare Sam, this is real. I played with him and tortured him, all because I couldn't cope with making that one, small decision. To let myself go, and try and be loved, or not. I hadn't really chosen either I realise now, I had suspended it, drawn it out, and tried in some twisted, misguided fashion to have both, and none. Yes and no. Jack and the Colonel. I don't know what to do. Should I take what I want, or...I don't know. I can't bear to be here right now. I have to get out. To get out. To the park. Somewhere public, familiar, safe. Ah there comes the numbness again, the blessed numbness. The absence of feeling or thinking. Something I never thought I would ever experience. Now it is my sole comfort. My release. My blindfold and safety net. The saviour of a coward.
No. I won't let it take me again. I won't fall prey to its sweet, ignorant caress. The voice of lies in my ear, spinning false memories and treacle laden falsehood. I won't. I'm me, I'm Sam, and I'm not afraid of what I feel. What I want. It's part of me, I have to come to terms with it, what it represents, what it could represent. I. I want...
What do I want?
What do I want?...
Yes okay then, I admit it. I want Jack. I want him so much it frightens the hell out of me. I want him so much the fear of it has turned me into some kind of emotional zombie. I want him. I...I love him. I love Jack. I exhale on a shudder then, as if this one, small, but honest confession could really make a difference within me. But it has. Okay then. So I know what I want, but is it worth the price? But Sam, is that any longer the most important question? What about Jack? I doubt he's been sitting here all this time waiting for me, patient, ever patient for a single word, or gesture to bring him to me. Not after that fight. Not after, not after what I said to him. The most important question now is does he still want me? No. The first thing I have to do is apologise. Apologise to Jack and try to explain. Explain everything. I have to tell him everything. I can do that. I have to do that. I'll go see him, I'll tell him everything, and then I'll leave him. Let him think. Hope that somehow, somewhere he'll find the compassion, and understanding to forgive me. I won't blame him if he can't. I don't know if I would, in his place, but I know I would like to try.
I look at my watch, It's half two on a Saturday. Huh. No wonder my instincts wanted me to go to the park. No wonder. Jack will be there. We used to take Cassie at this time on a Saturday, and sometimes the four of us would go there for a game of baseball, or just for a walk. He told me once he goes there every week. He likes it. He likes to see kids, and families there, having fun. Being together, being alive. He told me one time, in a rare moment of sharing after a quick game of ball, that every time we go out there through that gate, or struggle in the SGC to save our world, that that is what he feels he is saving. Those people, those lives, those hopes and dreams and promises that he sees every week in the park. He said it makes him feel like he is a part of it. I told him he was, and he looked at me so sadly, so wistfully. I had left then, to go home, but when I left him alone in the park, when I walked away, I had heard him say so softly "I wish I was"
I...I better hurry if I want to catch him. I owe him this, this explanation. He'll hear me out, he has to.
He has to.
****************************************
Not so nice a day today, in the park.
I didn't really want to come. Not really...considering. But everywhere I go holds memories. Memories of before, when SG-1 was one big happy family. Before I dragged Sam into my bed, and in doing so, pushed her out of my life. She could have just said no. That, I could understand. Not this. Never this.
It's getting late. I should go buy some food. Daniel told me if I didn't eat well tonight he'd come and hand feed me. Daniel...I know you mean well Daniel, but every time you give me one of your big soulful looks it just makes me feel worse. And guilty. For ruining your life as well. For upsetting the SGC. For losing control. For not being strong enough to stop it. For letting her do this to me.
I walk off. I stalk down the path to the car lot and scuff autumn leaves out of my path as I go. A car door shuts ahead of me, but I ignore it. I ignore everything. I'm getting rather good at it now. In fact, I ignore everything so well that I almost don't notice her, until she says my name. Well. Not my name. She says that thing that is the very antithesis of my name, from her lips.
"Colonel?"
I look up. I look up but I already know who it is. Who it is that says my rank with such unfeeling, dry tones. Just as dry as my heart Sam, just as dry as my heart. I don't say a thing. I just look at her. And it is really her. She's wearing a warm woolly sweater, and dark jeans. Her hair is soft and blows gently in the wind, and her eyes are ringed with darkness. But she looks lovely...as she always does to me. I don't know what to say. I don't want to say anything. I don't know why she's here. Is she here looking for me? I don't know. I don't want to know. I just want to go home. I want to go home.
"You picked a bad day for a walk in the park"
I guess that was me saying that. There's no-one else here.
"I came to find you"
I don't know whether to be hopeful or terrified. I don't know whether to run or stay. I almost wish this was a chance meeting, that we could turn in our separate directions, and pretend we never met. But it's not. She came to find me, for whatever end. And just the very fact that she's standing there, makes my heart start to thump in my chest. I haven't felt that for weeks. In fact I could have sworn it hasn't been beating at all. Not since she's been gone. And now she's back. My heart is thumping and I can't hear for the rushing in my ears. I am so very glad to see her, so glad that I feel as if I'm betraying myself. How can I want so desperately to rush into her arms after what she's done to me? How can I push all that aside for the wish to be in her embrace? I find myself trapped in that conundrum, and I cannot move. But she came to find me...
"Why?"
"I had to find you...to...apologise"
Apologise? Does she think that all that she did to me can be mended with one word? No. I can see that she doesn't. She knows. She's...she's trying to open a line of communication Jack. I should let her. But I'm not making it easy. I straighten my spine, and fold my arms across my chest. She sees my gesture, and her face falls. If you really mean it Sam, if you really mean it...I want to see it.
"Look, I'm sorry for what I've done to you the last few months, I'm sorry. I came here to tell you how wrong I was, how much I regret my...actions, and I hope that somehow...somehow you can find it in your heart to forgive me"
My heart is racing. It's racing so fast the blood booms in my ears, and hurtles through my veins and arteries. Just by being near me she's brought me to life again. I wonder how she feels, being near me. By the looks of her I just make her feel pain. The way she's wringing her hands, and biting her lip. She looks up at me, those big, blue eyes brimming with tears, and waits for my answer. I say nothing. All I really want to do is go to her, wipe those tears away and pull her against me forever. But I won't. I will not. I'm the wronged one here. Yes, I may have started it, but I did not deserve what followed. I'm not trying to be cruel by doing this, I'm not, I just have to know she means it. I don't want to find out she's only here because she was made to by Janet, or Daniel. I want her to mean it. Mean that apology. But that's all it is isn't it? An apology? Nothing more. She's sorry for what she did, but what about us? Time stretches between us as I think, and she speaks again.
"I...I had a lot of time to think when I was away, and I have a few things to tell you"
Again I say nothing. If she is here to tell me it was all a mistake from the start and she really has no feelings for me, then I'll hedge my bets and hide my hand, hold it close to my chest. Forever, if needs be. She wrings her hands again, then pulls them away from each other, and I watch them absently as she starts to speak, watch them clutch at the soft material of her jersey, twisting and deforming it.
"I...I do have feelings for you Jack. I do. I didn't lie when I told you...what I told you. I meant it then, and I still mean it. I was just...afraid...of...of lots of things that aren't important right now. And I just couldn't, I couldn't make that decision, couldn't say yes or no, so I said neither. I'm sorry for...using you like that, I never meant things to...go that way...never. And I'm sorry for running out on you instead of talking"
What is that strange feeling in my chest? It spreads outwards and down my limbs, filling me with a gentle warmth. God I hope it's not a heart attack. Please tell me I'm still too young and fit for that! No. I know what it is. It's that most buoyant and dangerous of emotions. It's hope.
"I'm...I'm going to ask Hammond to let me come back to work, and I hope you can work with me because I don't want to leave SG-1. I want us to be friends Jack, and...if there...if there is anything else then we can talk about it sometime. But for now I just want us to get past this...whatever it is. I want to start again Jack, I want to go back to that morning when I left your place. Before it, before I, mucked it all up"
She wants to start again. She wants to talk, and try. I almost move towards her then, almost, I so want to hold her, comfort her, and me. She needs it, I need it. I need her and she needs me. I take a deep breath and open my eyes, fixing them or hers as I take a step.
"I...I have to tell you the truth though Jack, before anything. All those times...all that time we...spent together. It doesn't seem real to me Jack, and I don't think of it as real. I know that might be hard for you to understand, but I could never look at you again if I thought it was. I could never try...anything...with the thought of all that horrible time behind us. And...one more thing. When I was away...there was...there was someone else Jack. Just once, just one night, but I...I had to tell you..."
Her eyes are so hopeful.
My eyes are so dead.
Like the rest of me. She switched me on and now she's switched me off again. All those weeks of begging, of trying, of loving her and trying to thaw that barrier that had grown between us. All that, all that and she says it wasn't real to her and that she wants me to understand? How the hell can I do that that? How can I possibly be expected to try and pretend none of it happened when each night, when every minute, is emblazoned on my memory?
I never complete that first step. I stand like a statue, and the air tuns chill around me. She wants me to forgive and forget. And she slept with someone else. She wants me to forget all those times we spent in each others arms, and accept that she left me, and went to someone else. One night? Well that doesn't make any difference. Not to me. I thought, I thought and hoped for a minute that we could get around this...we could. But she's asking too much, too much. I can't do those things...I can't...
"Jack..."
She uses my name but even that is not enough. I can't do it Sam, I can't. I want to turn and go, but I can't, and my words catch in my throat as I speak, my voice an almost inaudible whisper from between dry lips, as I hold back my tears.
"Are you going out of your way to hurt me?"
"No...no Jack. I...I never meant to..."
I turn away. I can't Sam...I just can't do what you ask...I can't. Not right now anyway. Maybe...maybe if I think about it for a while, mull it around in my brain, maybe I could then. Maybe. But she hurt me. She hurt me. Does she have any idea how I felt when she told me she didn't want to look at me ever again? I wonder if she knows how it feels to have your heart yanked out of your chest and stamped on by one who you thought loved you. She speaks again. Her voice is so soft and hesitant, I almost don't catch her words against the whispering of the wind as it stirs the dry, fallen leaves.
"Jack...Jack do you still love me?"
I lick my lips and keep my eyes on the horizon. She waits. She waits for my answer, but I'm afraid to say. I answer finally, letting my words cut through the awful silence.
"I don't know Sam"
Silence again. I watch her as she stands there, head down, thinking. She knows she's said her piece, and as I turn away again she knows it's time to leave. Leave me to think Sam. Please. I need to think. I see her bob her head, as she senses her dismissal, and she turns and walks to her car. Getting in, she starts up and pulls away, and only then can I allow myself to think, and even say the truth. For my ears alone. For now.
"I love you Sam. You can hurt me all you want but I'll never stop loving you"
It grows a little colder then, and I turn my back on the laughing children and the smiling parents, and head back to my car. And whatever uncertain future awaits us.
*****************************************
"Give him time Sam, give him time"
"Oh Janet...I don't know if time is going to be enough"
"Sam...he's been through a lot"
"I know Janet I know. I'm sorry I really am...I never meant to hurt him..."
She bites her lip and hugs her legs closer. I wrap an arm comfortingly around her shoulders. The gesture feels empty. I feel funny comforting her when I still feel a residual anger within me. I understand that she was confused, and scared, and a million other things. But I don't think I can quite forgive her for what she did to the Colonel. It isn't something I ever thought she had in her. I don't think she did either.
"You can't forgive me, can you?"
I look at her, and those big blue eyes, now red-rimmed, are looking at me. She must have read my mind. And I don't know what to say. I won't lie and say I can, but I wouldn't really mean it if I said I couldn't. I'm somewhere in the middle. But how the hell do I say that? I'm pondering this question when she takes my lack of an answer to mean assent. She turns away, and I tighten my arm as sobs rack her body.
"Oh God Janet...How can I ever expect him to forgive me if you can't?"
"Sam...I do forgive you...just not...entirely. It's just so unlike you, it shocked me is all..."
"I've ruined it all Janet...I've ruined it. I could have had something special and I've thrown it all away..."
I take her in my arms and hug her close. She gives in to her tears, and cries openly, no longer holding back. What do I tell her? Do I think she's lost this chance? To be honest...no. The fact that Jack still tried to be there for her, to talk to her that last time they came through the gate, I know he still cares. Mind you, Sam slept with someone else while away, and I don't know if that isn't just the final straw for him. But he never gave her a direct no. He never said that. Personally I think he's desperately seeking a reason to say yes. I think he's put up with anything to be with her, and could eventually forgive her anything, but he doesn't want to say so just yet. I don't blame him for not wanting to make it easy for her, I don't, but I also don't want to see this drag on for much longer. There is only a week before they're both back on base, and that's not much time.
I told the General today that Sam was back, and that they had been talking, and he seemed satisfied with that. To be honest, he didn't want to hear anymore about it. I don't blame him. I'm getting a bit sick of it myself. I think he knows what this is all about, or suspects, which is why he doesn't want any extra information. He doesn't want those suspicions confirmed, or he might have to take action. As he turned to leave though, he looked back at me for a second, then at the floor, then met my eyes again. I felt a sudden fear in the pit of my stomach at what he was going to say. He moved to the door again, and spoke with his back to me.
"Whatever it takes to get things back as they were Doctor, I want it done. I'd be willing to...accept...certain situations"
And then he left. I could be mistaken, but I think he just gave the approval for the two of them to get together. If that's the only way to solve this. And it is.
"Sam. I don't think it's over. He's hurting, that's all. He needs time to think, and he needs to know you won't do it again"
"I won't Janet...I won't. But I still don't know...our jobs...we still can't..."
"Sam...Sam you listen to me. You have to be sure. Either you love that man and you want him or you don't, nothing else matters right now!"
"But the regs..."
"Sam...Sam trust me when I say it won't be a problem"
She looks up at me, confused. I merely nod at her, not wanting to voice it, and she blinks and gulps. Her face seems to clear then, and her eyes show a sudden resolve. That's what I want to see. This has to be tackled one issue at a time. Let's deal with the most important one first, and the rest can follow.
"How important is he to you Sam? Things won't be easy, even though I don't think you'll have as much...trouble...as you might think, is he worth it?"
She smiles. She gives me the widest, warmest smile, that lights her eyes from within, and for some reason, from that moment, I get the distinct feeling that everything will be okay.
"Yes"
Right.
Okay.
We have something to work with. Sam wants him, and she's not going to hide behind anything else anymore. We have one week, one week. Not to fix everything, no. But at least, at the very least to get rid of the bad stuff, and get them started on something. Okay. That's Sam, I only hope that Daniel will have as much luck with the Colonel.
***************************************
God it's cold up here. I shrug further into the warm jacket Jack gave me, but still the wind goes right through and to my chest. It's a combination of wind and Jack's detached air that makes me shiver as we sit up here on his roof, and he gazes through that damn, distracting telescope.
"Jack..."
"Shhh. I just found something"
That's the fifth time he's said that. I've been round here for over an hour, and he's hardly said a thing to me. I really can't be done with this anymore. Like Janet, I've become a bit sick of it. But I still won't give up. No way. Janet's done her part, and I'm here to do mine. Somehow. I flick another page in the magazine I haven't been looking at, to tell the truth I don't even know what it's about, but I'm pretending to be occupied. And it gives me the chance to sneak another glance at Jack. He's not looking through the telescope anymore, and he certainly doesn't think I'm looking at him. He's sitting there, all wrapped up in a scarf, warm layers and everything, patiently twisting a beer bottle label in his hands, eyes glued to it. He looks pale, and drawn, and even a little gaunt. His eyes are small and shadowed, and he looks like he hasn't slept much. Not surprising. He has a lot on his mind. To be honest, I was a little surprised when he let me in. He doubtless knows why I'm here, and I was all prepared to fight my way in, but he just let go of the door handle, handed me a thick jacket, and made me haul my freezing ass up the ladder onto his roof. He sighs then, and digs his knuckles into his eyes, stifling a yawn.
"Been doing a little thinking huh?"
He snorts. Why must everything be a joke to him? I mean I know he uses his humour to hide behind, but it's past that stage Jack, just talk to me please?
"Yeah...yeah I have"
"Come to any conclusions?"
I'm gonna try and make him do the work. I'm tired too. I feel a deep weariness in my bones.
"I don't know. Every time I think I have...I change my mind..."
"Well I hope you decide one way or the other soon, time is running out Jack, and I'm getting sick of this"
I stand then, and make my way down the ladder, a picture of his surprised face still etched in my mind. I know, I know. Maybe I was a little harsh. I'm sensitive understanding Daniel aren't I? Well yes...normally...but I just want to cut to the chase. I go inside and straight to Jack's kettle. Ah coffee. I definitely need some coffee. It's just coming to the boil when I hear him follow me down.
"Coffee?"
"Uh...yeah. Look Daniel. I'm sorry I've put you, and Janet, and everyone else, through this. I'm really sorry"
"It's okay Jack, really it's okay. I just want...I just want things sorted. I want SG-1 back"
"So do I Danny, so do I. But I don't know how. Have you...have you spoken to her?"
"No, but Janet has. Jack...Jack she wants to be with you..."
"She has a funny way of showing it..."
"Oh come on Jack! Stop it! I'm tired of this! Do you love her or not?"
I just shouted at him. I just shouted at Colonel Jack O'Neill. I don't think I've ever shouted at him like that. I don't think many people have. I cringe automatically, maybe expecting a slap upside the head, but it doesn't come. He's standing holding a coffee mug in his hand, his eyebrows almost meeting his hair as he looks at me in surprise. He answers me quickly despite himself.
"I love her Daniel"
"Right. Good. Great! I know she's done some...bad things Jack, and I know that it may take you a while to forgive her, but you both love each other, you both want to be with each other, for God's sake you belong together, so can we please just get on with it!"
"Danny...it's not that easy"
"I know that Jack, I know, for either of you. Look, Sam's willing to try...something, are you?"
"I...yes"
"Okay. Look. You can both take this as slowly as you need, but we have to get the two of you together somewhere, you, you both have to take that first step"
He's still looking at me like I've got something growing out of my head. I feel quite good. What I thought was going to take hours of work, has been achieved in thirty seconds! I should shout at him more often if it gets these results! I think my abrupt and direct questioning just cut through he muddle in his mind and brought the truth right out. He looks confused now, as if he's just realised that I've gotten everything out of him, that maybe he wanted to make me fight for. Keep going then, let's get this whole thing hashed out while he's not quite sure what's going on.
"Wait a minute Danny, what about, what about the regs, Sam doesn't want to..."
"Don't worry about it Jack. It's not going to be a problem..."
"What do you mean? Has Hammond..."
"Jack! Let's get back on track here please. You and Sam remember?"
"But Daniel. Daniel she wants me to forget. She...she wants to go back before all that other stuff...how can we do that Danny? How can I?"
I smile. Based on what both he and Sam have said, I have an idea all planned. Let's just hope they both go for it. Please God. Please let this work. Please.
"Jack...I have a...suggestion..."
***************************************
I'm dusting.
I'm actually dusting.
Again.
God, talk about déjà vu.
Anyone recognise this scene? It's a perfect duplicate, right down to the fluttering butterflies in my stomach. Except this time there are more of them. Many, many more. No fixed dopey grin this time though as I see myself in the mirror. I've done my best to spruce myself up a bit, but I still look tired, but at least I no longer look so...so...empty. I daresay there's even a little life sparkling there in the far-off depths of my eyes. Some idea Danny, some idea. But you know, it might just work. It's not today anymore, now it's almost two months ago. That same night. That same night that started it all. That night she didn't turn up. I can't believe how easily I can convince and fool myself, but I'm glad I can. As I busy myself around the house, getting it and me ready, I could almost swear the time in-between hasn't happened. Maybe...just maybe this can work. Maybe I can deal with this. Okay, so things aren't the same. The pair of us are tired, and bruised, and hurt and nothing can change that, but if doing this, if pretending for a little while can smooth those feelings over, and let us perhaps, with a little luck, move beyond, then yes, yes I can do this. For her. For me. For us.
Okay.
Check list.
House tidy, check.
Me tidy...well. Mostly. I've showered and shaved, and tamed my hair as best I can. I'm dressed fairly casual but smart. Black jeans, straight and uncreased (Just washed actually) and a crisp black shirt, open at the neck. It's a nice shirt, made of a smooth sheer fabric that I love feeling against my skin, and with it tucked into my waistband it gives me a nice, almost tidy look. Which is usually pretty hard for me to achieve.
Dinner, check. Same as before actually. I want to keep as many things the same, it makes things easier for me, occupies my hands. Chicken and pasta. This time though, it's a more extravagant dish, and I hope I can pull it off. I still can't remember if she likes that or not.
Music?...Hmm. I got pretty stuck on that one last time. I need something fairly unobtrusive, but also mood setting. Not too fast and not too slow. Hmm. Okay. Right...that should do.
Oh God I'm terrified.
What if...if...if she doesn't come this time...it's over. Everything. If, if we can't sort it now, either she or I will leave the SGC. And it'll be me. I'm not gonna ruin her career. No way. But even if we do...if we do sort it...but Danny said it'd be alright...I'm not gonna question him. If he thinks things can work, then he knows something. And if Sam is okay with trying, then God I am.
I love her.
Okay, okay. Stop it. Let's tidy this place. Okay...shit...shit I don't have wine...I don't have wine! Brilliant. Marvellous. I've prepared this fantastic meal, I'm all spruced up and I don't have wine. I can't offer her a beer with this for God's sake! I mean...I mean I know it's pretty informal and all, but I need wine! It's too late now. Too late. God let her overlook this little oversight...if she comes.
If she comes...
Please come...
Danny assures me she will. He said. He said. She'll be here. She'll be here. This is our one chance. This is our last chance. This is the point of no return. Of course, she could come and ask us to be friends, just friends. Could I live with that? Yes. Yes I think I could. God it'd hurt, but she'd be here, and I'd be with her, and SG-1 would be SG-1. But I hope that doesn't happen. I hope. What time is it?
Oh God it's after half past six.
God she'll be here in no time. She'll be here. She will. I better go check the food. Don't want to overdo the pasta.
Right. The table is set. A few tweaks here and there, nothing major. Check the chicken, it's fine. Actually I should have this timed to perfection...if she comes. Okay. Last look around the living room. Fine. All tidy and vacuumed, and even a few magazines casually tossed on the coffee table so everything looks casual. Come on Jack, she'll see right through you, she always does. But I guess I have to try...she'd be disappointed if I didn't.
Okay. Try the pasta. Oh...oh that's perfect. Just a few points past al dente. Perfect. Don't want to over cook it, it really should come out now. Now? Now? I...I timed this perfectly...so...what time is it. I feel a sudden reluctance then, and find myself frozen to the spot. I slowly raise my watch to eye level and look at it. It's five to seven. Five to seven. Oh God where did the time go? Five minutes. Five minutes and I'll know whether or not...the door. Oh God there's someone at the door. I'm frozen again. This isn't like me. I'm a man of action remember? I don't go like this. Answer it, answer it!
I finger my collar as I walk towards the door, heart in my throat. It'll be Janet, or Danny, standing there all apologetic. And I'll just turn and run away up the stairs. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God...
It's Sam.
It's Sam.
She's standing there.
She's there on my doorstep, and she's looking at me.
She's standing there waiting, and all I can think is she's brought wine. Oh thank God she's brought wine!
"Hi..."
"Hi..."
Twin nervous greetings. A single word from both our lips at the same time. She smiles a little, and holds the bottle out to me, and I take it with trembling fingers as I open the door further for her and let her in. Everything's changed now. Everything. All my worries of before have gone, well most of them, and now I have to concentrate on the here and now. We move to the kitchen and I hand her wine glasses, as I concentrate on popping the cork. Gives me a chance to look at her. She is so beautiful. She's wearing dark striped trousers, and a fitted cream shirt that looks as thought it were made of silk. Her sapphire eyes shine beneath her soft, bobbing hair, and I can't help but stare. I'm so engrossed I almost miss the cork as it goes. I quickly bring the wine over to her, and she holds out the glasses as I pour. I hope she doesn't notice my trembling fingers, and I hope I don't spill any of this on her. Drinks done, I stand back, and her eyes meet mine.
"Sam...you look beautiful"
She smiles a little broader, and let's her eyes sweep briefly over me.
"You look nice too"
She hands me a glass, and we stand and sip for a moment, in the warmth of my kitchen, the enticing smell of dinner around us.
"Jack...can we...can we do this?"
Straight to it eh Sam? I guess if we sat down to eat this topic would only be harder to bring up later. But we needn't dissect it Sam, we needn't. I...I forgive you, I forgive you. We don't need to hash it all out, not now. All we need to do is start. That's all, that's all.
"Do you want to?"
She thinks as she looks into my eyes, and I wait with a surprising infinite patience. I have patience. It feels that we have all the time in the world.
"Yes"
"Then we can"
"But...but Jack...it's going to be so hard..."
"I know Sam, I know but Sam, I...I don't want to live if I have to do it without you..."
"You don't have to Jack...I'll always be here"
"That's not what I mean and you know it Sam"
"What you ask..."
"I'm not asking you Sam, I'm not begging you, I just want you to have what you want. If that's not me then fair enough, I won't try and hold on to you"
"I do want you"
"Then for crying out loud it's worth a try isn't it, isn't it?"
Oh please let us not argue. She moves towards me, and takes my glass away, and my breath. She puts her hands against my chest, and stretches up a little, bringing her face close. My breath catches in my throat as I stare into her eyes. She bites her lip, and for a moment we stay like that, and my heart once again makes itself known as it seemingly struggles to escape the constricting confines of my chest. I thought this was my heart, that I was supposed to in control of it. Well I was wrong, she is. It beats fast whenever she's near, whenever she so much as looks at me or smiles at me or God when she touches me. And when she's far from me, when she's not here it slows and almost stops. Put into sudden stasis by her absence. Just like the rest of me. I cease to exist when she's not with me. I think I may be brought into being by her very thoughts, and become redundant when she's not here to breath life into this worthless shape of clay.
She moves again, and I inhale sharply as she gently presses her velvet lips to mine, her arms slowly coming around me, holding me close, but loosely. I close my eyes as I taste her, closing them against everything else. Against the world. She is kissing me. I think this is the first time she's kissed me. You were right Sam, I can forget. This, this feels like our very first kiss, and I suppose, in a way, it is. There's no desperation, no coercion, no passion clouded urgency. This is choice. I want to kiss her, and she wants to kiss me. This is the most perfect kiss I've ever had. And this is the beginning. She gently moves her lips away and we stand and look at each other.
"It's all new Jack...all new..."
And oh God she's right. It all feels new. A first date, our first gentle kiss. New, and uncertain. I lift my hand and let my fingers run down her cheek, marvelling at the softness of her skin, that I've never felt before. She smiles at me, and brushes her fingers through my hair. She's never done that before. She wraps her arms around me once more, and I pull her against me. Her body feels so good there, so good, and I imagine the many days to come, where we will get closer still. It feels so good to have her against me, I wonder why I've never done it before. Oh I know, I know, this isn't quite as I say it is, but it feels so real, so new.
This is the beginning. A new, slow, beginning.
****************************************
"Can't you turn the heat up a little?"
"Danny will you be quiet and stop whining? And stay down, I can't see over you!"
"Alright, well move over a bit"
"She's in, Oh they're in the kitchen..."
"Janet, I think we should go now. We've done our part. Sam looks beautiful, and we got her to Jack's door. I think we're intruding now, she knows we're out here"
"Daniel, I'm sure she's forgotten all about us by now. God Jack looked so nervous..."
"Wouldn't you be? I bet he thought she wasn't gonna turn up. The look on his face when he saw her..."
"Yeah and he looks so good, he's really made an effort..."
"Hey!"
"I can look! Aww, he's pouring the wine..."
"Janet...start the car, let's get out of here..."
"Okay, let's go...you wanna get some take-out?"
"Sure...oh wait wait! Janet look!"
"Danny, I'm in the middle of the...aww!"
"Yes!"
"Aww that's so sweet. Do you think they're gonna be alright Danny?"
"I don't know Janet, I don't know. But I hope so"
With that, she gives me a hopeful smile, and we drive away, leaving those two alone. I hope so. It's not going to be easy, I know that, they know that, but if they can get past tonight, this one night, then I think they can do this. I do believe they can. They have time, they have a lot of time, and I know they're going to take it, and need it. Jack wants to take it slow, Sam wants to take it slow, they don't want to make any more silly mistakes. I had my doubts that we, that they could pull this off, but when we saw her kiss him through the window, I knew I'd done my bit, and it's up to them now.
It's up to them.
*****************************************
14:00
And the gate engages right on cue.
That's what I like to hear.
SG-1 returning on time, hopefully with all four team members fit and happy. Nothing would please me more. I leave my office and walk slowly and purposefully to the control room, where the technicians are waiting like me, staring out of the windows. The gate thrums and spins, and the wormhole engages with a whoosh. I never get tired of looking at that phenomenon, though I would never tell anyone that. I stand tall and straighten my jacket, and stare at the event horizon and wait.
Teal'c and Captain Carter step through and walk down the ramp, closely followed by Dr. Jackson and Colonel O'Neill. The staff and I all release a deeply held breath. Apart from a good covering of mud and what looks like straw, they all seem fine. The decon teams move in and check them out, then some airmen move in to help them with the heavy crates they're carrying. Samples of plants, soil and rocks. Captain Carter is going to have fun with those. They step down to the bottom of the ramp, and Colonel O'Neill looks at me and gives me a jaunty thumbs up with a smile. I just give him a curt nod. Everything is okay. That's what I like to see. Looking at SG-1 now, you would hardly believe the ups and downs they've been through over the years, as they start to remove packs and weapons, all smiling and tired. I myself can hardly believe it's been almost four months since their most recent trouble, a certain bust up between the Colonel and the Captain. Four months, and to look at them now you would never know.
Everything now seems fine, and they are as close knit a team as ever. Exploring new worlds and saving ours on a daily basis. A strange combination of scientists, military and an alien. My most unusual team. My best team.
"General Hammond, the decontamination team reports them clear"
"SG-1, you're clear to go, debriefing at 17:00, go get some rest"
I watch with an inward smile as Teal'c pulls Dr. Jackson down the ramp. He looks exhausted. And his entire left hand side is covered with mud. Teal'c begins to help the Dr. from his pack and equipment, and the rest of the airmen are involved in collecting their gear and taking the samples away to the labs. I look at the Colonel then on the other side of the ramp, and as my eyes settle on him, his settle on the Captain a few feet away, and I watch a soft, private smile appear on his face as he takes a brief moment of quiet to watch her, as I've seen him do countless times before over the years. He walks over to her as she gives her weapon to an airman, and she smiles up at him as they are left alone and ignored away from the bustle at the foot of the ramp. The staff in the control room are now on about their duties, and I know the Colonel thinks no-one is watching, but he's wrong.
I watch as he reaches out and tenderly tucks a muddy strand of hair that had fallen from the confines of the Captain's cap, back behind her ear. And I cannot help but smile. As far as I'm officially concerned, those two 'sorted out' whatever problems they had, and got back on about their work. Unofficially, I'm very well aware that their relationship, is no longer entirely just professional. But my official and unofficial sides very rarely talk, and if they did, I very much doubt that that particular topic would come up. If a little ignorance and a blind eye are the only price I have to pay to have SG-1 back on track, then dammit I can meet that expense with my conscience perfectly clear. If I had any doubts about the effect on the team though, if I for one minute thought that their dynamic would change, and their...relationship...would put any strain whatsoever on the effective working of SG-1, I would separate them in a shot. But it hasn't. And I know it won't. They've always been a very close team, and I know from bitter experience that if one of them, any one of them was lost to them, the other three would do anything, and fight any odds to get them back. So I'm satisfied to let it stand, as long as they act as CO and 2IC off-world and on my base, I'm actually secretly pleased to see the two of them together.
I'd even go so far as to admit it makes my day a little brighter when I see moments like I just have. When I catch a private glance or touch. I've never had their relationship confirmed to me by anyone, and to honest that's not something I would ever want. But I see their eyes, and I see those looks, and by the way they were at each others throats before, there is only one way they could ever have come out of that situation, and still get on. So life at the SGC is back to normal. And if, like yesterday, I go walking topside to clear my head, and I see a certain pair walking through the trees hand in hand, I won't say a word. After all, it's hard to see clearly at night just by the stars, and I really wasn't close enough to make them out. So I look away, and smile, and see nothing that goes against the regs.
I move then and go back to my office, and I as I pass along one of the main corridors, I hear raised voices echoing along the curving walls.
"Oh do we have to?"
"Course we do Danny boy! We're on downtime!"
"You're just sorry that Jack and I beat you last time"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"We will go bowling tonight if I have to carry you Daniel Jackson. Tonight I intend to win"
And I smile.
****************************************
So we went bowling, and Teal'c and I lost. I hate it when we lose, especially to them. It's been a pretty busy couple of months, we've been to twenty new world's, met new people, been through plenty scrapes and even a few inevitable firefights, and we're all still here to tell the tale. Teal'c and I, and Sam and Jack.
And that's about it.
Sam and Jack's relationship isn't perfect, not by a long shot. You show me anyone's who is and I'll call you a liar. But they're together and they love each other and they try. And that's all that's important. I watch it grow though, day by day, watch as inch by inch Sam, and Jack, become Sam and Jack. Together. They don't like to talk about how things are going, they just get on with it. They're right I suppose, too much introspection is a bad thing, especially where love is concerned. I guess that's why it all went wrong in the first place. Love is a funny thing, you have to take it where you find it, because unfortunately it's not our choice who we fall in love with, is it? Huh, I'll try and remember that the next time I'm gifted a beautiful woman on another planet.
We don't get given the chance of love very often, and I can say without a doubt, if it's the kind of love they have then it's worth climbing and struggling your way over everything else to get to. Worth fighting for. It must be. The way they look at each other says it all. The things they've gone through say it all.
So anyway, things move on, and they are as different as they are the same. We are SG-1, and they are Sam and Jack, and the two go together very well thank you very much. We go on missions, we save the world, we come back, we spend our downtime together. So it goes. Some days, some days they go off by themselves, and I don't know where, but when we see them again they are always that little bit closer together. Sometimes they argue, as we all do, and they make up with gentle touches and soft, slow kisses. And other times, sometimes, they go home together, and doubtless hold each other through the night. It's almost painful for me, to watch them take things so slow, to watch them ease and creep their way inside, reaching tentatively for love, but they've seen the other side, and they almost faltered and fell, so for once, please, just let them have only happiness. It's not too much to ask, is it? Really?
We watch them together, Janet Teal'c and I, as protective as if they were our own children, guarding them against the outside world as much as we can. Janet finds some maternal pride in them being together, and Teal'c and I? I think we find a kind of peace. We're both separated from our loves by circumstance, but when we watch them, when we see their eyes on each other, I find it's enough to keep me going, keep me searching for my one, true love. They've become a sort of symbol for me, of hope and love, and I'll be damned if I let anything come between them. Not now. Not when they're so close. I know you see, more than them, how things can be, will be. When they're brave enough, when they're healed of their old wounds, respectively, when they finally give their all, and step off that edge...then they will love each other to the end of the world.
I know it because it's true...for them.
Sam and Jack.
There's a time for all things under the sun, you two...especially love.
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THE END OF CHOICES
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Story Notes: REQUIRED READING: CHOICES 1. One of those days, one of those things, 2. To save us from ourselves, 3. Falling into anger, slipping into hell, 4. Say you know what you want. 5. Take what you can get.
End Notes: Feedback greatly appreciated (drool...)
I'm gonna go slip into a coma now ;)
DustDevil
I'm gonna go slip into a coma now ;)
DustDevil
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]