It's My Heart That's Breaking
~* Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away, and I 'm wondering why you left.
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight. *~
'Missing You', John Waite.
From Heaven to Hell in a matter of days. I felt like I was dying, one soul destroying piece at a time.
I said goodbye to the Colonel, slowly and painfully, removing my things from his house, seeing him less frequently and going home alone in the evenings. This was hurting him too, and that hurt me even more, but I think we both accepted that this was the only way it could be. We had had our Twelve Days of Christmas; now the winter was here, and we were back out in the cold again. I assured myself that what I was doing was all for the best, and that some day we would be able to have this happiness again. But not now. For now work was more important. Nothing could be allowed to come above that.
The SGC was a bustle of activity after the Christmas downtime. There was work to catch up on for all of us, and a busy mission schedule - as well as briefings, meetings, and lab work. I threw myself into it, was cheerful with everyone, and didn't allow myself to think about what I had given up to come back here. Jack's ring I kept very carefully in its box, telling myself that when the time was right I would take it out and wear it again.
Daniel seemed confused, Teal'c seemed disappointed - Janet was openly disapproving. I think her opinion was that I had been a complete fool and that I should have found some other way to go about this.
"Sam, are you insane?" she said to me. "You're giving up your best chance of happiness without even trying to make it work!"
"Janet, it just can't happen," I said. "Believe me; I want it to. Really. But I just don't think it could ever work out whilst we're both on SG-1, and neither of us would be happy giving that up. What we do here is more important."
And oh, but the Colonel was bitter. He had withdrawn back into himself, a perpetual black cloud above his head. He could barely be polite to me some days; others, he seemed so sad that my heart broke all over again every single time he looked at me.
Those days were the most painful and awkward we had spent in the entire time we had known each other. I tried to carry on as normal, to treat him as I always had done, but at every turn I found myself thwarted by either his brusque temper or my own feelings of guilt and regret. I'm certain that General Hammond noticed - in fact, I seriously doubt that he could have missed it, despite everything Daniel and Teal'c could do to try and cover for the both of us. But I'd done the right thing. I was certain of that.
Strangely, it was Teal'c who came to see me. He found me in my lab, throwing myself at work in a desperate attempt to get back to the comforting normality of routine.
"Major Carter," he said from the doorway.
"Oh, hi, Teal'c. Come in," I said, trying to sound cheerful.
"Major Carter, I believe you are unhappy," he said as he came to stand beside me. "And I believe it has something to do with Colonel O'Neill."
I smiled bleakly. "Well, you're right about that, Teal'c," I admitted dryly.
"It was my belief that you had at last found happiness together," he continued.
"Yeah, well, it didn't quite work out," I said bitterly. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about this.
"Do you not love each other, Major Carter?" he inquired.
I was struck by the simple openness of his words. Faced with such an undisguised truth, I had no choice but to be honest.
"Yes," I answered, quietly. "But right now, other things have to come first."
"What could possibly be more important than finding happiness?" he asked me. Say what you like about Teal'c, somewhere underneath that calm and stoic exterior is the heart of a true romantic.
"Well, the security of this planet, for one," I pointed out, but it sounded weaker and more pathetic than it had done when I'd used it to break Jack's heart.
"Then you would save this planet for the sake of others, and take nothing for yourselves?"
"Some one has to do it."
"I believe this planet owes you something in return," Teal'c said, looking into my eyes. "At the very least, perhaps the chance to enjoy what you have worked so tirelessly to protect, in the company of one whom you can truly and deeply love."
I almost cried at that. Teal'c placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, and then turned and left me alone in my lab.
Everything in that lab is mine. It's my life, built around me over seven years. And right at that moment, it felt like a cage grown too small to hold what I carried inside.
Story Notes: Email: warrior_of_gondor@hotmail.com
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