***SAM***
The train has started up again as its leaves the penultimate station, the next is my stop. I sigh as I look out the window to watch the world flash by in a haze, just like the rest of my life since Daniel's letter. My stomach churns and my hands shake as the anxiety of the trip takes a tight hold of me.
Since Daniel's letter I haven't stopped worrying and thinking about them, I couldn't believe it when I read the letter it changed everything. When I had no reply to my letter I'd given up realising my decision had been made - even if it wasn't the one that I really hoped for deep down.
I'd made up my mind as soon as I read the letter to go back. I had to see him. If I really admitted it I still love him. He may have hurt me but I hurt myself more in losing him.
The train pulls up. Daniel's there. He's looking for me. I move through the crowds as I leave the train. As I get off he stands in front of me his face showing happiness, anxiety and shock.
I give a weak smile.
***DANIEL***
I know my face has just shown the full spectrum of emotions. As I see her face I am happy, glad she has come back to help Jack. It shows she still cares. She may have told him never to write again but she didn't mean it. The happiness is soon replaced by anxiety. Anxiety of Jack's welfare and my hope that Sam's presence will help his healing.
Then the shock comes. As she approaches and the crowd clears I see what was making her so nervous. I stare in shock and slight amazement at her. She's with child. Jack's child. Oh boy!
I look back to her face and see both nervousness and fear in her eyes. She's afraid, I realise. Afraid for both my reaction to her pregnancy and for Jack's illness. Realising this I step towards her and hug her tight. She hugs back and holds me tight. After a long moment I pull away and lead her to the car. I drive us to the base and in silence we walk down to Jack's private room. I open the door and let her walk in.
"Talk to him. Doc Fraiser says he can hear you." I say leaving the room, knowing she needs to be alone with him.
***SAM***
I turn back to face the bed once the door closes. Swallowing my fear I take a step before saying his name. It sounds familiar yet old. I haven't said it to him since the argument after that I'd reverted back to calling him Colonel, he hardly noticed. Just as this figure gave no indication that he heard or was even there.
Is it the best idea for me to be here? Yes, I need to be here even if he doesn't want me here. I take a step towards him, he just lies there with his eyes closed. Just as if he is asleep but he isn't asleep, I know that.
I try to say his name again as I stand next to him but it comes out choked and I can feel the tears running down my cheek.
"I'm sorry," I grip his hand, "You have to wake up, please. The doc doesn't think you're going to make it, but you have to. It's all my fault, if I hadn't have left, you wouldn't have been angry and blaming yourself, you would have been more observant, seen what had happened. It's my fault. I didn't know I'd have this much of an effect on you, to make you forget your military training and let your emotions cloud your judgement. To let you ruin your career. Just as I've ruined my life leaving you, this base, everything we had. Jack, you have to wake up you have to!" I slip into a chair by the bed as tears come more freely. I rest my head on his hand, as the tears slip from my cheek to his hand.
"I'm so sorry, Jack." The tears come more freely now. "Please Jack. Ahh." The tears are reduced as I clutch my stomach, taking a deep breath I look at him. I take his hand and place it on my stomach. "I wish you could feel this, Jack." I say his name more forcefully looking at him. "You're going to be a father. Jack, we need you." The tears come again. "Jack, please." My voice has dropped as I'm choked with tears. "I'm sorry." I stand heading to the door, "I'll be back," I choke. I open the door and close it behind me. The tears don't stop so I let them flow, as I sink to the floor, regretting everything.
***JACK****
Man, I'm bored yet again. I begin to lose track of time but then Danny comes in and talks to me. He talks to me as though I can hear him, which I can. He tells me about the latest missions and the latest base gossip.
Whenever I get a new visitor they always start with "Doc says you can hear me" or some variation and then they leave after they say whatever it is they have to say. And then I'm in silence again with only myself to keep me company. What they don't realise is that I'm still aware of what's going on. Granted, I can't see, feel or smell but I can hear. I couldn't at first. Apparently the majority of my synapses have disconnected with only a few left to keep my vital functions going and at some points even they began failing. I've also heard from the doctors talking about me (have they no manners) that my synapses are very slow at reconnecting, way slower then Danny's or Teal'c's. Well I always was slow! Doc doesn't know what's wrong, she doesn't think I'll make it. Way to have faith Doc!
Damn those Nox!
I just wish I could speak, so I could tell someone to leave the blasted Tele or radio on so I wouldn't get so bored. For some reason neither Danny nor Teal'c suggested it. I think they spent their time dreaming while I have to be here in this eternal paralysis. It's really boring, you realise, just lying in silence a lot of the time and even when there is noise you can't talk back.
Damn those Nox!
Danny said he went through my stuff on Hammond's orders, to try and contact family members. He contacted Sara, she comes by regularly. He eventually got in contact with my parents and surprise surprise they haven't come to visit me. What a shame! Danny also told me he's contacted Sam. I wanted to kill him, I really did. But of course I can't move. Hell, I can't even glare at him. He apologised for reading some of my personal things. Damn him, he read the letters Sam wrote me. Some of the stuff was from before we broke up so it was kinda personal. Too late now though. Danny said he wrote her. Danny wrote to Sam! He hasn't mentioned her since. She's probably not coming. It doesn't really matter I wouldn't be able to acknowledge her presence. And I guess I did hurt her bad, I mean I stopped talking to her, I distanced myself form her trying to stop from hurting her, but it failed because I did. It goes with my track record, though doesn't it? I mean I hurt Charlie and Sara, inevitably I had to hurt Sam.
Damn myself!
I've mucked up the best thing in my life and it was probably my last chance of that kind of happiness.
Damn myself!
Ooh! I can hear a noise. It's the door. Ooh goody, visitors! I strain my hearing to hear the hush of whispers from the door.
"Doc says he can hear you." That's Daniel. He must be bringing another visitor. I wonder who now. It must be a newbie otherwise Danny wouldn't have come. Strange, I thought I'd seen everyone on the base. I must have missed someone on my mental tour. I hear a bit of cloth movement before the door closes. Daniel must have left me alone with the latest visitor.
"Jack." It can't be! It can't be her. I hear footsteps as she approaches me. Oh my God! She came! She's here!
"I'm sorry," she says. I can hear the hesitancy, fear and sorrow in her voice. "You have to wake up, please!" I'm trying Sam, I really am I want to wake up, but I can't.
"The doc doesn't think you'll make it, but you have to. It's all my fault, if I hadn't left you wouldn't have been angry and blaming yourself."
No it's not your fault, Sam. I was angry and in self blame but not because of you - because of me!
"You would have been more observant, seen what had happened. It's my fault."
How many times do I have to tell you - it's not your fault!
"I didn't know I'd have this much of an effect on you, to make you forget your military training and let your emotions cloud your judgement."
Its not your fault - its mine for letting you go. I wish you could hear me!
"To let you ruin your career just as I've ruined my life leaving you, this base, everything we had. Jack, you have to wake up, you have to."
She regrets what happened, she wants me back and I can't do anything to acknowledge her and say I love her. I can hear her sit down on the chair and she gently begins to sob. I want to comfort her, I want to stop her tears and hold her tight. To reassure her that everything will be okay, that I still love her and we can still be together. I hate it when she cries and she does it so rarely.
"I'm so sorry Jack," she cries the sobs increasing I can see her in my mind - sitting on the chair, tears running down her cheeks from her crystal blue eyes. In my mind I can see the sadness in her eyes and it's breaking my heart more than her leaving ever did.
"Please Jack," there's a pause and then she shouts out in pain. What's wrong Sam! I want to help, but I can't alert anyone else to come and help her, as the woman I love shouts in pain.
"I wish you could feel this."
Feel what? She's still in pain - I can hear it in her voice. I wish my synapses would reconnect just so I could help her. Comfort her. It's not working I'm still as paralysed and mute as ever. If only I could say something or squeeze her hand, presuming she's taken my hand.
"Jack you going to be a father. Please, Jack. We need you!" She's crying again and I want to comfort her still. Even if I had the ability to talk I doubt I could.
She's pregnant!
Pregnant with my child and I can't feel my child kick or see Sam while she's pregnant.
Damn this whole situation!
"Jack, please! I'm sorry." I hear footsteps. She's leaving - No! Don't go. Sam stay, "I'll be back." No! Don't go! Focusing my strength and willpower I try to say or do something to keep her here. The connection's almost made.
I hear the door close.
The connection's made.
"Sam!" I can hear my own voice and it's barely a whisper.
I lose the connection.
***SAM***
"Sam?" I hear a masculine and muffled voice say.
"Jack?" I say looking up.
"No, it's me Daniel," he says as I try to compose myself with little effort. He kneels in front of me and wraps his arms round me bringing me towards him, as I cry onto his shoulder.
His comfort helps to calm me and after a while he pulls back before speaking.
"Sam, I know it's hard but you really need to calm down for the baby's sake."
"I know, but seeing him like that after all this time, it's so hard."
"I know, the doc's doing all she can." He says.
"But she's not trying hard enough, he's lying in there and doesn't know I'm here pregnant with his child. Why do I feel like this, Daniel? This isn't how it's meant to be."
"Sam, you have to calm down. Let me take you to see the doctor, okay?" I nod there's no point in arguing.
***
As Janet finishes looking over me I sit up ready to ask the question I fear the answer to. "Janet, tell me the truth. What are Jack's chances?" From the way she turns to me I know it isn't good.
"To be honest, it doesn't look good. After five months there's been no change. Even simple responses would help. There's no way to reattach the synapses. We've tried to contact the Nox to no avail. I'm sorry Sam, it's just a matter of waiting."
"How long?"
"I can't say, it could be days, weeks..."
"Or?"
"He may never recover."
I can feel the tears returning, since leaving it's all I can do because of these damn hormones. At first I thought it was just leaving then I found out the real reason. I bit my lip to stop the tears. "There must be something you can do."
"I'm sorry." Janet says shaking her head.
***
One week later
I've been sitting here for most of the week. Next to him holding his hand talking as the doctor suggested. I don't know what good it's doing but I can't leave him - not now. Daniel has had to force me out of the room to eat, change and sleep. Though I've found myself waking up next to him so often. I can feel myself drifting off - I should probably go and get some sleep, but I can't leave I don't know why. Something is making me stay. I squeeze his hand before leaning forward to lightly rest my head on his side. "Goodnight Jack," I whisper.
I feel myself drifting off as I hear my name whispered. I can only groan in reply. I hear it again, it sounds familiar but croaky - it sounds like Jack!
I jolt up looking at him "Jack!" Please God let him wake up, I think his eyes flicker, "Jack?" I instantly stand moving my hand to his face. "Oh my God!" I whisper as he looks straight at me, sending all emotions through me and bringing tears to my eyes.
"Jack, can you hear me? Can you see me? Feel me? Shall I get the doctor? Or Daniel? The General? Oh my, how do you feel? What shall I do? Jack?"
"Let me feel my baby kick." He whispers looking up at me. I smile as I take his hand and gently place it against my abdomen. As if instantly knowing her daddy's here, our daughter kicks, and Jack smiles the pride obvious in his eyes and I know that everything is going to be okay.
***JACK***
I am the biggest idiot in the world. If there were a prize for biggest idiot, loser and complete dumb-assed man it'd be mine. You'd have thought I learnt my lesson but I haven't. I've been awake for a month now, out of the infirmary one day. Oh yeah and Sam's leaving. She's going back to the Pentagon. She claims it's because that's where her job is now, but I know the truth. I've driven her away.
Again.
She's adamant that I haven't, that she's only going away for a short while and that she'll be back, but she won't. She might come and visit me, well not visit me actually, more to let me see my child after it's born.
I can't believe how utterly stupid I've been. I mean, it was one thing to lose the woman I loved all those months ago, but now... Now I've lost the mother of my unborn child as well as the woman I love and don't know how to get her back.
I guess it all started soon after I woke up or when I could say I was awake all along. Doc, Sam, Danny and.... well everyone was fascinated that I could hear everything from the last few months, apparently that hadn't happened with Teal'c or Daniel. But anyway back to what I did.
After waking up I realised I didn't have everything back on line. I couldn't pee so until yesterday I had a tube in me to remove the pee. That function came back yesterday so the Doc discharged me. I'm not totally okay though, hence why I'm sat in a wheelchair - alone. It appears that the synapses for muscle movement below my waist haven't reconnected yet. And I guess I got kinda frustrated at not being able to walk - I'm a soldier, I've been independent all my life and now I have to rely on others. I couldn't stand it - being treated like a baby, not being able to stand on my own two feet - literally. I took the frustration out on Sam, I shouldn't have, but I did. I shouted at her whenever she tried to help me. I'd start throwing or hitting things. I never hurt her - well not physically. I would never physically hurt her on purpose or by accident. And it was my ranting and raving that eventually drove her away.
I lost my temper two days ago and as usual it ended with me telling her to go away, although it was never in terms that nice or polite. And, as usual she left knowing that all I needed was time to calm down. As she had approached the door I had suddenly shouted 'and don't come back'. I don't know where it had come from but at the time I'd meant it. She had stared at me in shock and disbelief, her eyes searching mine for some hint that I didn't mean it. I glared back with all the rage, hatred and anger that had welled within me since she'd left the first time. She had understood what message my eyes conveyed and so she'd left.
She came back though. Yesterday and I lost my temper again, I didn't want to push her further away, I wanted to apologise, to explain everything but I couldn't. It was no single thing, nor was it her fault, I just felt totally... incompetent and she said the wrong thing or I took it the wrong way. Whatever I lost it and I lost it bad. I shouted at her. I yelled, I screamed, I scared her - I could see it in her eyes but at that moment in time I didn't care. I threw vases with their flowers across the room. I hurled books at the door. I pulled the lamp from its socket and threw it at the wall. I smashed the Tele on the floor and sparks flew everywhere I ended up being restrained by Teal'c, and Sam left the room in tears. Daniel had followed her out, not before giving me the iciest glare ever. Not only have I lost Sam but also Danny'll probably never talk to me again.
Well, now I'm here sitting at home alone and knowing that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
There's a knock on the door but I really don't want company so I ignore it. I just want to sit here alone in this chair on wheels contemplating my miserable, pointless future without Sam. Someone else has other ideas, I realise as I hear glass breaking.
"For crying out loud!" I mutter moving the wheels and making my way to the front door. I arrive at the door to see Daniel stood in my house - a big hole in the glass on my door. I look from the door to Daniel and shake my head. Danny-boy broke into my house - he's been around me too long.
"That hurt." Daniel says holding his fist.
"You gonna pay for that?" I mutter turning around and wheeling off. Like I said I don't want to talk to anyone, especially not Daniel. He saw my... tantrum, for lack of a better word. And I saw the shock, disbelief and shame in his eyes. I can hardly throw him out, though so I settle for retreat. Daniel follows me into the kitchen.
"Are you going to let her leave?" He asks bluntly.
I refuse to acknowledge his question "Want a drink?" I ask attempting to reach for the coffee pot.
"Only if you're going after her," He takes the coffee pot and places it in my hand.
"Thanks." I say not trying to hide my anger and frustration.
"I'm only trying to help." He looks right at me before slamming his hands on the arms of the chair, "For crying out loud, Jack, you can't let her leave not like this. She still loves you but you scared her." His voice is loud and angry at what I've done, his face is almost touching mine.
What am I supposed to say to him he's actually scaring me. "Its too late." I whisper.
"Too late! She hasn't got on the train yet, even if she had it's never too late. Can you really let her go?" He is still shouting though the end of his sentence has calmed slightly.
"She doesn't want me back, so there's no point in me trying." My voice has risen to match his as he steps back slightly.
"Have you not listened to a word I said?" he says rhetorically. "The only reason she's going is because you told her to go." I was taken aback by the sudden anger in his voice but that feeling soon dissipated.
Wheeling my chair away I mutter, "Shut up, Daniel."
"No! I will not shut up until you realise what you're losing. You have to go after her. Unless you don't love her." The last bit was so quiet I almost didn't hear it - almost.
"Shut up, Daniel." I shout, turning back to face him, "Of course I love her and of course I don't want her to leave, but it's too late. What I've done she will never forgive," I shout, "I will never forgive." I add quietly.
"She's already forgiven you."
"How can she have?" I accuse my voice rising once more "How can she forgive me for being such an immature, selfish, idiot who took it out on her. I saw the fear in he eyes and I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted to see her afraid and especially not of me."
"She forgave you because she loves you." Daniel pauses before continuing, "Let me ask you one question: 'do you love her?' A simple yes or no is all I want to hear."
"Of course I do."
"Good. Teal'c!" He calls. I glance to the door to see Teal'c walking in. In one swift motion he grabs the back and underside of the chair and lifts the chair and me up.
"For crying out loud! What the....?"
"We're going on a little journey." Daniel says as Teal'c and I follow him to the car.
***SAM***
I gather my bags as the train pulls in. I wait a moment letting others get on. I edge nearer to the train. I can't believe I'm really going back to Washington but I have no choice. It's where my life is now. He doesn't want me and there's no way I'd stay if he didn't want me too. But why am I still wondering if this is right?
I hear someone shout what sounds like my name, I stop and turn but the crowds are too mingled, I can't see anyone. I turn back to the train and wait my turn as the crowds continue to pile on.
***JACK***
How slow is Daniel driving? I glance at my watch. We've got five minutes to get there and the station's eight minutes away. We won't make it. We won't make it and Sam will leave my life forever. I can't let her leave. I won't let her leave.
"Daniel, step on it!" I order.
***SAM***
I'm about to step on the train when I hear my name called again, this time clearer. I turn searching the crowd. I can't see anyone.
***JACK***
We made it. The train's still here, but I can't see over everyone else. Glancing up at Daniel I ask, "Can you see her?" He shakes his head, no. We have to stop her! Maybe we can delay the train and search it for her. I wish I could use these legs and stand.
***SAM***
The crowd continues to dissipate and I recognise a face far away - I give a slight smile. Teal'c come to say goodbye, then I see someone standing next to him my mouth falls, "Jack!" I whisper though he can't hear. I then register that he's standing. Standing!
"Sam!" he shouts and I can see him searching the platform and then.... then our eyes lock. He smiles nervously wondering if I'm still going to get on the train or if I'll come to him.
***JACK***
My eyes lock with hers and I smile hoping she'll smile back and walk towards me. And there it is - her answer. She smiles and heads towards me.
***SAM***
Keeping my eyes fixed on his I realise what I really want. I drop my bags and head towards him. He starts to move forward drawing closer to me. As we meet he pulls me close. "I love you," he whispers into my hair as we hold each other tight.
"I love you," my voice an equal whisper. We stay holding each other as the train pulls away.
"I am so sorry for everything. For taking so long to admit I love you, to being an ass and driving you away and nearly driving you away again. I am sorry." He whispers and I know he means it.
"I know, it doesn't matter." I say kissing him lightly on the neck. "You do realise you can walk?" I say after a pause. And he pulls away from me then still holding me tight he kisses me slowly, gently, deliberately taking his time to remember me.
He breaks the kiss and says "Yeah, I can walk down the aisle."
"Why would you be walking down an aisle?"
"Hmmm, let me see - Will you marry me?"
Shock runs through me as I realise that he is serious. That seems to be a strange thing to say about him but he was. Once I realised that, I thought what it meant I love him and we got over the past eight months together. He'd realised what he wanted and I knew what I wanted.
***JACK***
Oh god! She's paused. I've proposed to her and she's paused she doesn't want this but doesn't know how to tell me. I am such an idiot, it is too late. I begin to talk but so does she.
I stop her and continue. "It's okay. If you don't want this I understand." I explain pulling back and stepping away from her.
***SAM***
"Jack," what is he saying? "I never said that. I... Jack... I love you." He looks at me slightly confused and I step towards him. "Yes."
"What?" Okay, now he looks even more confused. I move next to him moving my lips close to his. "Yes, I'll marry you." I say before kissing him.
"Colonel O'Neill!"
We break out of the kiss as we hear Teal'c call urgently. We both turn and stare wide eyed as Teal'c kneels beside Daniel, who is lying awkwardly on the floor, his glasses askew and his face pale.
~The End~
Story Notes: Season/sequel: Story sequel to the 'Letter' series ending with letter seven, year 2000
End Notes: All feedback appreciated and loved :>
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]