Waking Up
*
I've dreamed of you so much that it might be too late for me to ever wake up again.
*
What, are you trying to kill me Carter? Fine, you want to go jetting round the galaxy in a spaceship? I can deal with that. But could you try to stop getting yourself shot/possessed/trapped in space cloud thingys, all the damn time?
It was close this time Carter. Way, way, way too close. For a minute there, I actually believed you were gone. Let me tell you, that's an experience I never want to relive. The thought of never again watching you as you fire your P-90 at an army of Jaffa, listening to you as you prattle on about something I have no hope of understanding ... it made me sick. I've got used to you now, you can't just disappear on me.
You're trouble. You know that? You walked into that briefing room seven years ago and, to use a cliché, changed my life. I was a man on a mission. I wanted to forget Sara, ease the pain of losing Charlie...the fact I got to save the world every other week was an added bonus. I began to live again, not just exist. I found that you weren't bad company Carter, even if you were a scientist. I got comfortable with you.
That was my big mistake.
At first, I was just glad that *finally* somebody got my jokes. You smiled at me in that way you've got...do you have any idea what that does to a guy? God, I swear half the airmen on this base would do anything just to see you smile at them the way you smiled at me. But then, I began to make jokes just to get you to laugh. I'm always aiming for that big, sexy grin, the one you give me when I do something really, really stupid that I secretly hope is endearing-I don't see it much now.
We're drifting apart aren't we? I don't know why - I sure as hell don't want to lose you. But it's too hard to be around you, knowing that given the chance we could be so damn happy together but having to constantly pretend you're nothing more than a 2IC, a friend like Teal'c or Daniel. So I make jokes and try and ignore the fact that slowly I'm losing you.
These years of dreaming of what it would be like to hold you - not after a near death experience, not because our memories have been repressed, not because we're under some alien influence or in a time loop-it's slowly driving me crazy. Have we waited too long, assuring ourselves there will eventually be a chance? Would it be too weird now? I torment myself with the idea that us actually being *together* wouldn't last and I really don't think I could stand having you only to lose you.
But then every time I think I'm going to lose you, I wonder why we've wasted so much time. I forget the reasons we are apart, forget the fear. And every time you fight your way through it, the doubts come rushing back in and I do nothing.
Jesus Carter! Would you wake up already? Ya know, this whole sitting by your bedside while you lie unconscious is really getting old. Janet's getting ready to kick my ass out of here so you better wake up soon - wouldn't want your incredibly handsome CO to get a huge bruise on his butt would you? It is nice to just watch you sleep though. I wonder if sometimes if you wake in the night with your arms reaching for someone who isn't there-who has never been there-like I do.
Teal'c was the one who told me you were coming home - I think everybody else was too scared to come anywhere near me. He knows - although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. He's a wise man, our Teal'c. I think he was trying to give me a not-to-subtle hint that what I feel for you works both ways. That's not the problem though is it? No, our problem begins with AIR and ends in FORCE. Ironic how the very institution that brought you into my life is now the one that is pushing us apart.
Get your ass out of that bed Carter. Seriously. It's an order. You never know when they might need a bed for Danny - you know how he's always falling over/getting electrocuted/breaking limbs. And need I remind you how grouchy he gets when he's hurt? Surely you don't wanna spend your time cooped up in here with him.
These past couple days, I've seen you die a hundred times. Most often, I saw Prometheus blown to pieces by hostile aliens (we've sure met more than enough of `em that are more than happy to kick our asses). There were worst ones - I saw you lying trapped somewhere, in pain but unable to do anything to save yourself. I imagined what you'd be thinking and some selfish part of me hoped you'd think of me. How screwed up is that? Hoping that the single most important person in my life - in her dying moments - would be thinking of me. This is what you've done to me Carter. Wake up and fix it.
Everyday I went through the gate, hoping we would find you but in my heart I knew it was pointless. If you had somehow ended up on a planet with a gate, you would have dialed home. Unless you couldn't. The others kept trying to tell me that we'd get lucky. They are terrible liars. Is this how you felt all those times I was missing? Like your whole life is ruled by finding the person you-
Carter, you gotta wake up. You're ruining my reputation - every nurse whose being on duty since I arrived keeps giving me those pitying looks, telling me that you're fine, you'll wake up soon and I should go get some sleep. When shift change came around, I swear I heard one of them whisper "poor man" in my direction. Most men would be in heaven, surrounded by all these beautiful white clad women who are convinced he's a sensitive soul - not me. I don't have a nurse fetish. My tastes lie more in the field of beautiful, blonde USAF officers with huge brains. And no, I'm not talking about Colonel Wood - he's a little to brawny for my liking.
...
We said it would stay in the room.
We were so very, very stupid.
Did we really think we could just pretend we didn't know? I miss you. That easy warmth of the first couple of years has gone, ruined by our fears. That's not what love is supposed to do is it? Make you so *damn* scared all the time. My heart sinks when I see you because I know that you might as well be a stranger to me. Even now, I can't even hold your hand. I can't touch your face or kiss you or do anything that would make me feel remotely better. I literally had to *sit* on my hands when I saw Daniel lace his fingers with yours - that touch was so easy for him. I bet he didn't even truly appreciate the experience. Can you believe I was jealous of him?
Boy, if you could hear me now you'd probably be laughing your ass off. You got me Carter - in every possible way imaginable. At least, all the ones that don't involve physical contact or actually *talking* about our feelings.
I need you to wake up. Now. I'm babbling inside my own head and I can't seem to stop.
When you wake, I'll leave. I just need to see your eyes open, assure myself you're really OK. Maybe even get you to smile. That's all I want. Then I'll go.
Please Sam. Wake up.
*
I've dreamed of you so much, have walked and talked and slept so much with your phantom presence that perhaps the only thing left for me to do now Is to become a phantom among phantoms, a shadow a hundred times more shadowy than that shifting shape which moves and which will go on moving, stepping lightly and happily across the sundial of your life.
*
Story Notes: First ever SG-1 fic so be gentle. Extracts in *'s from Rober Desnos' "I've Dreamed Of You So Much", the inspiration for the story.
Email: glitterchicauk@yahoo.co.uk
Email: glitterchicauk@yahoo.co.uk
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]