Goodbye Jack by Su Freund

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Story Notes: Moments: Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com

Content Warnings: Use of mild language

Season: 3

Spoilers: Point of View

Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode

Status: Complete

Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD, Gateworld, FanFiction net

Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence except my whim in writing them. On my site, this fic is illustrated by a lovely book cover made by Fulinn28 from a cap of Sam, which can be seen at: http://www.ficwithfins.com/AA3_1/archive/1/goodbyejack.html

Moments: Goodbye Jack

It's so hard saying goodbye to Jack again. I know he's not my Jack. He's gone forever, and that makes this doubly hard. I loved my Jack so much. I wish we could live in the same reality... and maybe... That's probably not such a good idea. He's like my Jack, but isn't him. I really hadn't expected this to happen. When he walked into the infirmary my heart raced. Later, he held me in his arms, comforted me in my sorrow, and it felt like him, even smelled a little like him; not quite the same, but similar enough.

He was so like my Jack, clueless as to what to say and how to react. My Jack didn't know either, but when those arms enfolded me it always made me feel right again; we didn't need words. Once we opened up more to each other we'd frequently speak without them; an expression, a gesture, a glance; our eyes talked while we didn't. Man, Jack had great eyes; so expressive, so deep, dark and, sometimes, unfathomable and mysterious. The voice, the humour, the gesticulations; they were the same. The face, the hair, the movement, the hands; those beautiful, beguiling hands.

I was totally crazy about my Jack and will miss him terribly. This Jack would have been a substitute and that isn't fair. He should be with her. Why the heck isn't he with her? Okay, so she's military but surely things aren't that different here? This is about the heart and has diddley squat to do with regulations. He was embarrassed when he realised I was married to my Jack. Has he really never seen her that way? I don't believe that; he's like my Jack and can hide things well when he wants. An enigma to the end.

We should have had more time; we'd only been married a year. I was unpeeling him like an onion, stripping his protective layers, slowly but surely. I wanted to get to know that man better; there was always something left to reveal, a surprise waiting around the corner. I so loved that about him. And his strength, integrity, honour, courage. He died trying to save his planet and that would have made him proud; it does me. Now I've lost everything; my friends and family are probably dead. I'm alone. You left me Jack, you should never have left me!

What am I gonna do without you in my life? It's almost unimaginable. You became such a big part of me, so important, so real and tangible. How long will it take before it all seems like some wonderful dream? Then to meet you again; another you. Who would have imagined that? And now I have to let him go too. It's more than I can bear, but I know we don't belong. Not in any reality I know. All those Sams out there, probably with their own Jacks - or not! - and here I am with none. Lost them both.

That's pretty dumb, Sam, men like that don't grow on trees. He really was something special. But I'm grateful for the time we had. I might remain alone for the rest of my life. Likely I guess as how do you replace a guy like Jack O'Neill? Duh! That's a no brainer because you don't. But it would all be worth it for that short time we had together; worth everything. I'd never felt anything like that about anyone before. It was unique: terrifying, exhilarating, and blissful. Times like those will never come again and I mourn for their loss.

He never thought himself romantic; he never had the right words. But he showed me his heart time and again with a gesture, a look in his eye, or a touch. That was pretty great. He never appreciated himself as much as I did. Too self effacing. He couldn't see it. And this other Jack was like that too. I could tell. I guess things weren't that different in his reality. Except their Sam doesn't have him to hold and cherish as I did my Jack. I hope it happens for her one day, and for him, despite his denial.

Neither of them want to accept it. It scares them too much, so they let the regs stand in the way. I'm glad we didn't do that. We grasped the nettle and, yes, it was scary; real scary. But it was the best decision I ever made; to set me free to let me love him; to embrace the feelings I had from that first moment; to nurture and nourish them, not reject and hide them. I'm glad I found that courage, and he did too. It guess it could easily have been different. We opened up, they closed down.

I'm gonna miss him so much. Maybe one day I'll get over it. The pain will ease, they say it does. But there will always be a place for him in my heart and I'll never forget. That's right, and natural, and I wouldn't want to do anything different. I wonder whether I'll ever feel whole again? No one tells you how totally empty you feel, how incomplete and bereft. I guess it's difficult to explain that to anyone else. I wish I could talk to Jack, tell him. Ironic that the man I could tell is lost to me.

Get a grip Sam. There are no Jacks on your life anymore; get used to it. He would have wanted me to carry on, clear up the mess Apophis left behind and get the world back into working order. That is quite a task, but it will happen and I'll do my best to help however I can. It's my duty, to me, to the world and to him. He deserves that; his world saved and normality, such as it is, restored. It will take a while, Jack, but I promise I'll do it. It's the least I can do.

The End

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