The Killer
I've been a killer for most of my life, trained for it, excel at it. It's part of what I do and what I am. But I never expected to use those skills to kill a friend, someone I care about, love and cherish, someone who is so important to my life, a woman I need to make me complete. How do live with this? Charlie was bad enough but at least I didn't literally pull the trigger, although I was culpable. This time it was by my hand. Two zat blasts, two! Couldn't she have fallen on one? God!
If someone else did it I could never forgive them. I can live without forgiving me, I do that every day and always will, but now I have another death on my conscience and I'm not getting over this one anytime soon. Sure I'm a killer: strangers, enemies, fine, but friends? You shouldn't have to make that choice. It's the hardest one I ever made, duty over love. I guess we both willingly made that choice a long time ago. Today, I never truly had any option. It was either my world or a friend that I love. Choiceless. Crap!
But if it was someone else, Teal'c or Daniel maybe, how would I live with that? It had to be me. It really sucks, but life has a bad habit of doing that on a regular basis. One minute you're muddling along and the next something rears up to bite you on the ass. It's the inevitability of living. I'm used to that, but I can't see me ever getting used to this. She was a vital force: vibrant and sexy, with enough brain power to light up Colorado Springs. Why her? Why not me? It should have been me.
Never to see that smile again, hear that voice babbling at me incomprehensibly, but sweetly. Those big blue eyes full of affection, humouring me and laughing at my jokes. Her blonde hair, glistening in the sun and shimmering under the moonlight. That smile, cheeks dimpling, eyes gleaming and twinkling; so bright and full of life. That thing took it all away from me; her eyes were dead, her expression expressionless, her voice silent. It was killing me to watch her. Now it's killing me to watch this, to sit with this lifeless thing that is Sam Carter. I killed her.
The alien thought I wouldn't do it but was wrong. It might break me, but I had to kill her. It wasn't Sam, though it was, but I couldn't let that thing destroy everything else I hold dear merely to save her. She'd understand. Now she's a husk, kept alive on life support; brain-dead. That beautiful, brilliant brain, dead. It stinks! And it's killing me, slowly but surely, as if I'd put a knife into my own gut. I love her and she'll never know. I so wanted to be free to tell her one day. Now I never will.
Is there something tattooed on my head? "Jack O'Neill, the man who'll do anything for his cause, even kill his best friends?" Its not fair, or right, and it hurts like hell! I was hoping for a decent break, but no breaks for Jack O'Neill, and now I've lost: lost her, lost it all. My extraordinary, gifted Sam! The lights are on but no one's at home. It should have been me. I'm the one who deserves it. Where's the justice in this? Seems my earthly torment is to live life mourning those I love. Have I been that bad?
This is normally Daniel's trick; dying, forcing me to leave him behind, making me choose. Now it's my Sam, for crying out loud. I never expected this, Sam. You've always been there for me. You've saved my neck too many times to count. I owe you so much, Sam, and this is how I repay it. You gave me hope when there was none, life where there was death, feeling when I was numb, love where there was black emptiness. Now that void is back with a vengeance. I can't do it anymore, Sam, not without you. I need you.
She would hate to live like this. I know it, and that I've lost her, but how can I allow that to happen, or bear it to? How can I watch them pull the plug, switch her off, make her loss absolute? She was one of the few things that made my life better than I deserve, and I've lost her. That's a little careless Jack, it's your job to protect and you wanted to protect her for the rest of your wretched life. In sickness and in health, go figure! Goddammit, I can't save her, and I killed her.
Please, Janet, I know we have to do it, but not yet. Let me sit here just a little while longer and mourn. I can't let her go right now. This is so hard and it hurts too much. Maybe it's time to retire, get out of here while I can. Sam wouldn't want that. She'd want me to live and fight. It's not gonna be easy but I can do it for her, I'd do anything for her. If I could bring her back. but I haven't got that power. I'm gonna miss you so much Sam, my love.
End
Story Notes: Moments: Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Season: Four
Spoilers: Entity
Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode
Status: Complete
Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD
Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Season: Four
Spoilers: Entity
Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode
Status: Complete
Archive: My site, Jackfic, SJD
Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]