"If we are to die, we die well."
"We could do better."
This is not the way I was planning to die. Drifting, alone and silent. Okay, so I'm with Teal'c, but he's off in his own little world. I feel so ....cheated. It's not supposed to end like this. I'm supposed to go out in a blaze of glory, guns blasting, fire everywhere. Preferably taking that scum-sucking, snake-ass Apophis with me. Even better, taking Apophis with me, and saving Sam in the process. Now that's a hero's death. Then a few months later, she'll find out I'm not really dead, and she'll find me, and give a me a hero's welcome.....
Quit it, Jack! For crying out loud, these are supposed to be the kind of fantasies teenage and sci-fi fan fiction writers have, not grown men. I've got to think of something else. Look out the window. Take advantage of the fact that you're probably the only man on earth ever to see Jupiter with his bare eyes. Not that that will do me much good when i'm dead, but still.....It is a beautiful view. Utterly breathtaking.
Damn, but it's cold. Last time I was this cold was in Antarctica. Then, I was so obsessed with making sure Carter got out alive, I never even realized how bloody cold it was. And when I did notice it, there she was, cuddled up next to me.
I wish Sam was here now. Keeping me warm.
No, strike that. I'm GLAD she isn't. If she were, she'd be dying, and that would be terrible. I mean, I'm old, I've been there, done that, aren't terribly important to lots of people, it's okay for me. And Teal'c...well he's treated death like an old friend since the day we met. He's always just waiting for that final expiation of his sins. But Carter's death would be a catastrophic tragedy. That much life, that much potential, snuffed out...
I have to stop thinking like that. The thought of Carter's death is ...not conducive to good morale. Think of her alive, instead. Laughing at my jokes. That sweet, odd expression she has when I do something that totally wierds her out. Think of her with Cassie. Think of the way she and Daniel will sit, and talk totally incomprehensible nonsense to each other for hours. Think of her mind, dashing from idea to idea at the speed of light, flying its way to a conclusion, that brilliant mind you've relied on since that very first day, that mind that got you out here in the first place. It's working for you now. If anyone can save you, she can.
But if she fails. I won't mind for me, but failure hits her so hard. I've seen her almost in tears when she can't figure something out. I've seen her shout and swear, and lose control, when she can't figure out a way to save us. I know how much store she sets on always having the solution to our problems. In her mind, the fact that she can think of a way to save us, every time, is her justification for being.
Funny, I never realized that before. If she fails, especially if the failure means her friends die, she'll never be able to live with herself. Who'll drag her back to reality then? Who'll push her, and argue with her, and annoy her until she's herself again then?
Who'll look after her when I'm gone?
I wish Teal'c would snore. Then, at least, I'd have something else to occupy my mind. I don't mind thinking about Carter. I don't really mind dying. I just mind what it'll do to her.
I wish we'd gone fishing. I wish I'd told her, really TOLD her how I feel. I mean, any idiot can see I lo...care about her. And Sam's not an idiot. But she does have this blind spot when it comes to human relationships.
And I can't say the 'l' word, even in my head. I can't actually articulate the word. I never said it to Sara. I've come close to saying it to Sam, but I always find another way. 'I have feelings.' Well, that could mean anything. I just know, one day, I'll be in a position where I finally have to say 'I love you' to Sam, or lose her, and I'll chicken out, I know I will. I just won't be able to say it, and she won't know it, and she'll leave, never knowing I love her, and probably marry some other lucky guy.
I should say it now. She's down there. At Cheyenne. With Hammond, and Davis and Daniel listening in. Although, I should guess they already know. I can feel myself drifting off to sleep. I should sleep. Then I'll die in my sleep, and death will simply be one long dream. It's my last chance.
"This is Digger One, 10.11 Zulu. Teal'c's meditating to conserve oxygen. Trying to sleep, but it's hard. CO2 levels are high. Headache. It's bad. Send aspirin. I estimate three hours. This is Digger One."
I was right. I couldn't say it. I ended on a joke, as always. And now, she'll never really know.
I fall asleep. Sleeping amongst the stars, rather than under them. The light is so clean, so pure, it shines through my eyelids.
But then the light changes. It softens, warms, a golden glow. I can feel heat on my face, and I open my eyes.
I know this place. I used to come here when I was little. This is my cabin, near a lake in Minnesota, where the bass grow THIS big. It's my hideaway. My sanctuary.
Outside, I can hear someone splashing in the water. Someone's sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling in the water. The sun reflects off her hair, a bright shining beacon of redemption.
She came. Carter's here.
"I almost caught one, Sir!" she calls out, as I walk down the dock to her.
"Let me guess, it was this big." I joke, holding my hands far apart.
"Bigger." she insists, laughing up at me. I sit down beside her.
"See, I told you this was fun."
"Yes, Sir."
"You know, out here, you don't have to call me Sir. Jack will do."
She turns to me, her face suddenly shadowed.
"I can't call you that, Sir."
"Why?"
A shadow is passing over the sun.
"Not until you say the magic word, Sir." she tells me. There's a smile playing on her lips, but her eyes are agelessly sad.
"Please?" I ask, still kidding. She shakes her head.
"No, Sir."
"What word, then."
"The one you can't say." she says, standing up to leave. I stand up too, hurriedly, holding on to her, lightly.
"You first." I tell her.
"No Sir. I can't till you do."
I shake my head. My mouth will not form the word. She turns to go.
"Sam!". She hears the desperation in my voice, and turns back. "You know I care." I insist. "You already know. I don't have to say it, do I?"
"Yes. Because if you do not say it, I will never really know. And I will never know that I love you too, and I will leave you, and you'll regret not telling me for the rest of your life."
"You care for me?" I ask, because she has never even said that she has feelings for me, and I never really knew.
"I can't tell you. You have to tell me first."
I try. I really try. But I have built a lifetime of walls around myself, and I can't tear them down in an instant.
"I'm warning you, when the time comes, tell me, or lose me." she insists.
"I can't. Please understand me Sam, I can't."
She looks at me, smiles, then says,
"Dammit Colonel, I did not come all this way to take you home in a box. Now wake up!"
The dream fragments around me. The light whitens and splinters. The cold rushes back with a shock.
If I'm dead, why can I hear her voice?
"Carter?" I look around. Okay, this is a weird dream. There she is, opposite me. In space. Right there. Okay, That's fine by me. "Carter!"
The next few minutes are fuzzy. My head only clears when I see her. She's standing there, welcoming me aboard, glowing with her achievement, and I can't help but reach out to her.
I want to say, I missed you. I want to say, it's okay, you didn't fail, you came through again. I'm proud of you. I care for you. I say,
"Hi, hey."
She knows what I mean.
Doesn't she?
The End
Story Notes: AUTHOR;MICHELLE BIRKBY MBIRKY@HOTMAIL.COM
SEASON 4
SPOILERS;TANGENT
ARCHIVE;SAM AND JACK, HELIOPOLIS PLEASE.
SEASON 4
SPOILERS;TANGENT
ARCHIVE;SAM AND JACK, HELIOPOLIS PLEASE.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]