OK, so basically, many years ago in a land far, far away- “Ahem.” What? “Not that long ago.” OK… not very long ago in a land far, far away- “Ahem.” What now? “Not that far away.” All right already! Grief… Not very long ago in a land so close to this one that it is this one, there lived a king. His name was King Jacob. Now, Jacob’s son didn’t like him and had run off because they fell out, so when the little princess arrived the whole kingdom rejoiced, because there was now a successor to the throne. Jacob was especially happy, and decided to name the baby Samantha. “Ahem.” What now? “It’s Sam, not Samantha.” Right, of course it is. How silly of me… I’m sorry, really I am! Really sorry! It’s Sam, and I promise I’ll never ever forget, ever! “Just get on with the story.” Right, of course. So, erm, he named her Sam. And the whole kingdom arrived at her christening party. And it was a bit of a squash in such a tiny room, but they all got in eventually. Three fairies of goodwill were also at this party, and they decided to give presents, magical gifts, to the child. First was Fairy Daniel, who looks so cute in a dress… Erm, sorry. Anyway… “Erm, hi Sam. Life’s really tough out there, so my gift will be that you’ll be really smart and, um, clever.” Wow… that’s original. Anyway, next came Fairy Janet, who looks much better in a dress. “Hello Sam! Now, I know how hard it can be, how tough… so my gift will be that you’re really beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes and everyone will; love you!” “Aw, thanks Janet.” Hey! You’re supposed to be a baby! “Erm, goo?” Better. Anyway, just as Fairy Teal’c (who’s tutu is really gorgeous by the way – no, I’m sorry Teal’c, please don’t hurt me! Thanks…) Well just as he was about to give his gift to Sam the Stargate powered up, and through it stepped the evil witch Anise! “Does my bum look big in this?” Ahem. You are on stage now. “Oh, sorry. Well, um, I was terribly upset that I didn’t get an invite to your party, so I came anyway to ask why not.” And… “Oh yeah, and since you were so terribly mean I’m going to perform a really exciting Tok’ra experiment on Sam!” Jacob… “Oh no, Anise, please don’t. She’s so young…” Good grief… does nobody care? OK, apparently not… Anise? “Well, when Sam is 16 she’s going to… shock herself on a Naquada reactor and, erm, she’ll die! Hahahahaha!” Erm, yeah, love the evil laugh, Anise. Perfect. Anyway, her evil being done for today, Anise powered up the gate and went back to where she came from. Everyone was really upset about Sam though. Really, really upset. Like one person even cried… “Oh no, my Sammy is gonna die! What shall I do?” “I believe I may be of some assistance, General Carter.” Erm, Teal’c? It’s King Jacob, in the play, erm, incidentally… erm, never mind. “Well, Fairy Teal’c, what can you do? Can you use your gift to lift this terrible curse?” “If I were to do that, there would be no story. However, I can make the story more interesting and less depressing.” “Go on.” “Well, my gift is that when Sam electrocutes herself on her Nquada reactor she won’t die, she’ll just fall asleep for 100 years, unless she gets kissed by someone.” Don’t be too vague or anything, Teal’c. “Her true love, I do believe.” Better. So King Jacob thought it was a great idea. And then he had all the Naquada reactors that he could get his hands on all thrown into a star, which he promptly blew up, because reactors make lousy bonfires. And then, to keep Sam as safe as possible he had her sent to live for 16 years in a secret house in the woods with the three fairies. “Do I have to?” Yes dear, and- hey! You’re still a baby, remember?” “Mamma!” Quite. Anyway, she lived like this happily, well, for the most part, for 16 years, until her 16th birthday came. Now, on that day the fairies wanted to plan her a surprise party, so they sent her out to go pick berries in the ridiculously cheery woods. Anyway, while she was there, she bumped into a stranger. “Ahem.” I’m sorry? “Extremely handsome stranger, if you don’t mind.” OK… She bumped into an extremely handsome and big-headed stranger. “Hey!” You brought it on yourself. Anyway, he’d never seen anyone prettier than Sam, and she’d never seen anyone except the fairies, so they both fell instantly in love with each other. But they didn’t let each other know, and instead Sam challenged Jack to an arm-wrestling match. “Hey… this wasn’t in the script!” Well, it is now! “Who are you to dictate what we do?” I’m the narrator! “Oh, right.” Shouldn’t you two be arm-wrestling to show your love for each other? “Apparently…” So they did, and, after 45 minutes at a stalemate, they gave up, both admitting the other was good at it. “You’re really good at this, sir.” “Thanks, Carter. You too.” Erm, excuse me? “What now?” Drop the ranks will ya? For cryin’ out loud – this is a fairytale! “Hey, that’s my line!” I’m the narrator, I get dibs on any line I like. “That’s so mean!” Tell me about it. No, actually, don’t. I’ve got a story to tell. Anyway, suddenly they realise that life is really short and fragile, and they shouldn’t hold off such a wonderful relationship just because of some rules set down by authority figures. “Excuse me? Are you trying to say something here?” Erm, no, obviously not… I meant that the fairies had told Sam no to tlak to strangers and that Jack’s… guardian, so-to-speak, told him he had to marry the one he was betrothed to. I wasn’t even thinking about any other rules… say, airforce regulations… or anything, honest… “Yeah, we believe you.” And so you should. Anyway, they told each other how they felt… “I love you, Sa- woman whose name I don’t know!” “I love you too, is- I mean, Ja- I mean, man whose name I also don’t know!” You’re just so good at this it’s scary. Anyway, despite all these rules they wee supposed to be following Sam told Jack to turn up at the cottage that evening and they’d talk then. So they parted, and went on their merry little ways, each dreaming happily of the other. Ah. Meanwhile, back at the castle, King Jacob was talking to King George. “-and then he comes in, no idea where he is, and says ‘who ordered the Mexican?’!” Erm, hello there? “What?” I believe that was your cue.” “What was?” ‘King Jacob was talking to King George’. “I didn’t hear you say it.” “Me neither.” “Say it again.” OK… so King Jacob was talking to King George. Get it that time? “Loud and clear.” It’s about time too. Get on with it then. “Right… so George, I was thinking that our kingdoms should join. What do you think?” “Great idea. But how are we gonna do that?” “Well, I reckon my daughter being betrothed to your, erm, surrogate son will do. How about that?” “Sounds good to me. They can get married next week, is that alright?” “Fine by me. Sam is coming home tonight, I’ll tell her then.” “Peachy.” Quite. Well, anyway, when Sam got back to the cottage the fairies told her that she was a princess, and she was less than pleased. “Are you kidding me? Gosh, all these years I was a princess and I didn’t know it…” Ahem. You do know this is just a fairy story don’t you? “Erm, of course…” Yes, well… Anyway, as the sun began to set they began their journey to the castle. Quite surprisingly no-one noticed them, and they made it to the castle OK. So, the fairies left Sam to cry over losing Jack, ahem, I mean fix her make-up, but when she had disappeared only moments later they knew that it was a bad idea. So they chased after her, and ran into the tower just in time to see her flick the switch on the Naquada reactor and electrocute herself. “Ouch!” What now? “That hurt!” It was supposed to kill you dear, of course it hurt. “Oh, right.” Anyway, you’re supposed to be unconscious! “Z.” Hmmm… So the fairies took her and put her to bed because sleeping on the floor in a stone tower for 100 years can get quite uncomfortable. They drew straws, and Daniel got the short one, and was therefore elected to tell the Kings what had happened, but he started talking about comparative mythology instead, and soon the whole castle fell into a deep sleep. “Hey!” Well, Danny boy, you were the one doing the lecturing, I mean, talking. Now go wake up Fairy Janet and Fairy Teal’c, you’ve got to go rescue Jack! “We’re going to rescue him?” That’s what I said. “How the heck are we gonna do that?” Look, you just do as I tell you, OK? Trust me, I’m a narrator! “Hmm, OK, but only because I have no other choice.” Good boy. So the three fairies had a strong cup of black coffee to wake them up, and then they ran back to the cottage in the woods. “Why there?” Because Jack is there… What happened to trusting me? “Sorry.” So you should be. Anyway, meanwhile at the cottage Jack arrived. “Knock, knock, anyone home?” “Come in.” “Should I really? I mean, I just know this is a bad idea…” Just go in, will ya? Thank you so much. Gosh, it’s Anise! What a surprise. Didn’t see that coming at all… “Aha! I’ve caught you! Well, well, I set my trap for a peasant, and I caught myself a Jack! Can I keep him? Pretty please?” No! He’s central to the plot line, I’m sorry. Actually I’m not sorry, but there you go. “Can I have Daniel then? He does look kind of cute in a dress.” Ew! No way! He is also central to the plot line. Look, I tell you what. Why don’t you have Joe? “Who’s Joe?” He’s one of your evil minions! “Oh. Well, I guess he’ll do then…” Good! Now, get back to the story, will ya? “OK, OK! Well, I guess you’re only coming with me temporarily then Jack, but never mind. I still get you for a couple of pages!” So they leave, exit stage left, not pursued by a bear. Then the fairies arrive, nothing like timing guys, and find Jack’s baseball cap which fell off as Anise caught him. “Aha! It’s a plot element!” “How can you tell?” “It’s sort of… brighter than everything else.” “Right…” “Well, it’s not just often you find a hat in the middle of the room that wasn’t there when you left!” “You are correct, Fairy Daniel.” “You know, I think Teal’c is enjoying this.” “Scary.” “You’re telling me.” Ahem. Excuse me? “What now?” You’re supposed to be rescuing Jack, remember? “Oh right, yes. Well, it’s obvious that Anise has him.” “Oh no, not in her lab! We can’t go in there!” “I believe we must.” “Damn.” Well, I’m afriad Teal’c is right, so off you go, all of you. And hurry up, you’re taking forever! “Well how exactly to you suggest we go any faster? We’re running already!” You could use those fairy wings and fly… “We have fairy wings?” You’re fairies aren’t you? “Wow! Fairy wings!” Grief… Stop gushing and start flying! Better. So the three fairies flew off to Anise’s lab, and peered into the window. “Wow, look at all the stuff she’s got in here!” Ahem. You’re supposed to be listening to what the evil Anise has to say to Jack. “Oh, right. Sorry.” Better. Right, Anise? That’s your cue dear. “Erm, right. OK. Well, prince Jack, how do you like your not-very-private corner of my lab?” “It’s lovely. Not sure I like the colour though…” Jack… “What? It’s pink. I hate pink.” You’re supposed to be a prisoner, not an interior decorator! Play along, will you? “She did ask…” I’ll remember to punish her for it later, OK? Now get on with the story please? “Alright, alright… So Anise, what’s going on?” “Hahahahaha! Poor little Sammy electrocuted herself on her reactor, and she’s going to be asleep for the next 100 years. Only you can wake her up, so I’m going to keep you here in this ridiculously unguarded corner of my lab so you can escape, and then I’ll come after you! Hahahahaha!” Erm, right, yeah. I think you’ve got a little carried away with the laugh, dear. So anyway, Anise left to practise her evil laugh some more, and the fairies flew into the room. “Daniel, Teal’c, Janet! Wow! Fancy seeing you here! Oh my… you’ve got wings!” “Erm, yeah…” “They match your dresses, ya know.” Erm, excuse me, but aren’t you supposed to be escaping? “Oh right, sorry.” So you should be. So Fairy Janet got some special medical fluid with a long and complicated name and dissolved the chains holding Jack. “Wow, what is that stuff Janet?” “It’s what will be involved in your next physical if you don’t get moving!” “OK, OK… I think you’ve been listening to that narrator too much.” Ahem. Watch what you say, Jack. There’s a lot of really evil stuff to come that I might choose not to save you from, you know. “Like what?” Like the evil minions running after you! “Arrrgggghhhhhhh!” Quite. “It’s Maybourne!” But he’s not alone… “He’s got that Jenny Haley girl with him! And some other bloke I don’t know.” Oh, that’s just Joe. Don’t worry about him, he’s not important. “Hey! Carry on like that and I’ll get a complex or something!” Well, serves you right for stealing Sam. “He stole Sam? When?” Does it matter? “Good point. I’ll kill him anyway!” OK Jack, I think he’s dead now. Besides, don’t you think it was a bit mean shoving him into the wrong side of the event horizon? “Erm, no.” I see your point. Don’t get complacent though, here comes Miss Super-brat 2001! “Ha, take that!” “What have you given her?” “It’s a follow up report from the mission on the plan- I mean moon, with those glowing creatures. It proves that Sam was right and she wasn’t.” “Noooo! It can’t be!” “Fraid it is.” “Noooo! Arrggghhhhhh!” Way to go Jack! I don’t think she’ll be back anytime soon. Now there’s only Maybourne left. Watcha gonna do? “Danny, shove him in the conveniently positioned freezer, will ya?” “The freezer?” “Yeah… don’t worry, he’s used to it. It’ll be a welcome break from the heat of the beaches I’m sure.” Yeah, so am I. Anyway, with the evil minions out of the way hadn’t you better start escaping now? “Erm, OK” Hurry now, Anise has just discovered that you’ve escaped! “You’ll never get to Sam! I’ve set a trap around the castle – you’ll never get through it!” “What is it?” “I’m not going to tell you! That would spoil the surprise!” Fine, I’ll tell you then. It’s vines – but watch out! Those thorns are actually quite sharp! “Oh no – what shall we do?” May I suggest the funny greenish weed-killer of virtue? “Good idea! Wow, that stuff is good!” “It’s specially formulated to kill lawn moss – it’s got to be tough.” “Gosh.” Yeah, it is amazing, but that’s the idea. Watch out though – Anise hasn’t given up yet! “Right! I’ll deal with you personally!” Here she comes! “Hahahahaha! You may have killed my poor little vine plant, but you will never cope with this! Jack – I love you! Kiss me!” “Arrgghhhhhhh! What shall I do?” Use the ‘let-down’ of truth. “Oh… right. No, Anise, no! I hate you, and not even your low-cut almost-non-existent outfits can change that. I love Sam, and I always will. So ha!” “No! This can’t be happening to me… I’m losing a man to a woman in trousers!” Erm… yeah. So are you going to curl up and die? “I must! The embarrassment is too much!” Right. So go Jack! Go wake up Sam! “Erm, if you don’t mind me asking… is she really dead this time?” Unless there is a sequel, yes! Now go boy! “OK, OK… stroppy narrator…” I can still ressurect her, you know. “Erm, sorry. Didn’t mean that. Nice, lovely, wonderful narrator.” Hmm. OK, well, Jack ran up to Sam’s room. Right. Then he kissed her to wake up the whole kingdom! “What, I have to do it now?” Yes, that is the idea. “What about King George?” Oh for cryin’ out loud… he’s asleep! “Isn’t that a bit… erm… against the rules, then? Give me a break! Just kiss her, will you? “OK, OK…” Lovely. That’s much better. OK Jack, you can stop now. She’s awake. Erm, hello? Either of you? Ahem. Excuse me? Never mind… So eventually they stopped kissing and went downstairs together and saw King George and King Jacob. “Hello, son. There’s something you ought to- actually, never mind. You knew anyway. Just get on with it.” “Erm, King Jacob?” “Yes, Jack?” “Can I marry Sam?” “Erm, yes.” “Hooray! Now, can I really marry her?” “What? Oh well… I guess… What do you think, George?” “Why not? Go ahead, have fun?” You know… I’m sure that wasn’t in the script. “So?” Erm, OK. Never mind. I’ll alter the ending… hang on. Does anyone have a biro? Thanks. OK… So now you get married, and have kids. “How many?” I dunno. That’s up to you, as long as it’s plural. “Cool.” Yeppy. So, erm, they all lived happily ever after. Except for Anise and Joe who were dead. The End. Can I go and get a drink now? Thank you so much…
What you think? Let me know, please... :-) luv Sarah.
Story Notes: Spoilers: None really, just harmless ramble. A couple of characters mentioned from season four, but out of context.
Archive: Heliopolis, Trek the Web, please put it on the SJA, and anyone else – do ask, I’m bound to say yes!
Season/Sequel info: Set anywhere, it doesn’t really matter, although previous knowledge of some of the characters involved would mean you got more of the attempted jokes.
Content Warnings: Nothing, except badly written parody without a plot.
Author Comment: Note from the not-so-genius! Well, well, well. Three holes in the ground, yes, I know. After the overwhelming response I gained form the weakest link story, I decided maybe it was time to write another daft, silly story. The idea struck me whilst watching Disney’s version of Sleeping Beauty, so the story line follows the same direction as that version, not necessarily the actual fairytale. It was just funnier that way! I don’t know if it’s funny or not, because you never can laugh at your own jokes, so pleas let me know what you think. I do like feedback, when I get messages telling me I'm wonderful (or not!) it seems to help me write better. Still, happy reading, hope you enjoy it!
Archive: Heliopolis, Trek the Web, please put it on the SJA, and anyone else – do ask, I’m bound to say yes!
Season/Sequel info: Set anywhere, it doesn’t really matter, although previous knowledge of some of the characters involved would mean you got more of the attempted jokes.
Content Warnings: Nothing, except badly written parody without a plot.
Author Comment: Note from the not-so-genius! Well, well, well. Three holes in the ground, yes, I know. After the overwhelming response I gained form the weakest link story, I decided maybe it was time to write another daft, silly story. The idea struck me whilst watching Disney’s version of Sleeping Beauty, so the story line follows the same direction as that version, not necessarily the actual fairytale. It was just funnier that way! I don’t know if it’s funny or not, because you never can laugh at your own jokes, so pleas let me know what you think. I do like feedback, when I get messages telling me I'm wonderful (or not!) it seems to help me write better. Still, happy reading, hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]