Something just ain't right by DustDevil

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SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, D&C and those inbetween

I was...nervous, and I couldn't explain it.

I've long since gotten past being nervous in these sorts of situations, it's something you get very used to you when you rise to the rank of Colonel. I've sat at a hundred different briefing tables, itched my way in this monkey suit through hours of boring talks, but something...

There's something...

I have this itch, this flutter way down deep in the pit of my stomach, and it started the day I came back to this facility yesterday...and I just can't explain it. Yeah I felt a little jolt of electricity as the lift slowly worked it's way down to the 28th sublevel, feeling my life take yet another turn, thoughts of Abydos, and Skaara, and Daniel all rushing through my head, tumbled together, my brain on overload. But through all that there was a...I don't know...some kind of subtle building excitement, as if I knew, somehow, that something was coming my way. Something big.

I was right.

In the space of one day I'd been recalled to Cheyenne mountain, met this General Hammond, and learned that the gate had been opened again, and not from this side. Some guys came through and shot up some of our people, and oh yeah, I'd seen these kinda guys before. I'd definitely seen them before. Handling that staff weapon made my whole body come alive, every muscle tense and ready, the old fight or flight response, and I found, to my great surprise, that I was ready to fight.

Ever since I'd come back from a mission across the galaxy that I'd never intended to survive, I'd felt a new lease of life. Sara was gone and I got myself a new house, some new furniture, but not a quite a new life...not yet. That was something I'd been unable to do. I wanted a new life, that much was for certain, Daniel and Skaara and those other kids had sparked something in me, kindled a delicate flame, and yet...yet there had been something missing, something that needed to be set in motion. Sitting here today, waiting for my first briefing as a member of the SGC, suddenly it all seemed to lurch into motion, and I could feel the wheels of fate turning somewhere above my head, just out of reach.

Something had brought me here, and I knew, somehow, deep down, that my life was about to change.

People shuffle into the room behind me, and I drag my attention away from the gate and my reflection in the window, and turn to salute my new commanding officer.

"Gentlemen take your seats. Where's Captain Carter?"

"Just arriving sir"

"Carter?" I ask, the name catching my attention. It's not a name I'm familiar with and yet...

"I'm assigning Sam Carter to this mission"

"I'd prefer to put together my own team sir" My annoyance at not having complete control over my own team quickly spills over, and briefly dominates the other feelings swilling around in my brain.

"Not on this mission, sorry. Carter's our expert on the stargate" Expert huh? Bet it's a damn scientist. If it is, why am I trembling? Why do I feel this 'Carter' is about to bring a monumental change with their entrance? I mean I'm a down to Earth kinda guy, I'm not particularly religious and I don't go in for any of that clairvoyance mumbo jumbo, it's just...just...

"Where's he transferring from?" I ask in rushed tones, trying to focus myself, and just as Hammond raises his head to look at me I feel a sudden lightheadedness, and as light streaks across my eyes, time slows to an inching crawl, and stops.

Just stops.

My heart beats once, slowly, sluggishly, echoing in my skull as it pushes aload of blood from it's chambers, then falls silent. This is it. This is the moment that my life has been building to, waiting for. I don't know how I know, but I just do. Every one of my senses is straining, waiting, praying. So where is it? Where's this missing link, this one factor I'm waiting on to make my life whole, to give me that edge, that push? To...to make me really alive?

There's a sound suddenly, soft footfalls on carpet, and I feel my body slip back under my control as time creaks and weighs down on me, and I surrender to its unforgiving momentum and let myself be carried back into the here and now.

This is it.

I turn my head, time still skewed, lazy, and face the open doorway across the table. A shadowy figure appears there, walking in slow motion, and as they come into the light time suddenly slams back into motion, my brain suffering from whiplash as I hear the last echo's of my question still hanging in the air, and it is answered, finally it is answered.

"He's transferring from the Pentagon" Comes an amused tenor, and a man about my own height enters in his dress blues, and crosses the room. His short blonde hair tops a handsome, young face, and the brightest blue eyes shine at me as the mouth quirks slightly with a hidden smile. He snaps off a full salute, and dumbfounded, numb, I rise and do the same.

"I take it you're Colonel O'Neill? Captain Samuel Carter reporting sir!" He snaps off a salute, looking respectful yet not too subservient, and my right hand automatically leaps to return the gesture, while all the while my insides are crying out against the world.

No.

No, no, no.

It's all wrong. This is all wrong!

I feel that new flame, that delicate love of life crushed in my chest, snuffed out by some cruel twist of fate that I can't even identify. I don't know what's wrong, I have no idea, I only know that I have lost. My salute falters, and my hand slips from my temple and falls boneless to my side, where it swings listlessly. Forgotten.

It's all wrong, and I'm lost.

I say nothing, and Carter's blue eyes look confused for a second, and after a further moment of silence the General bids him sit, and as the conversation rallies I slump down into my seat, all my will drained away, feeling on the verge of my last breath.

I...I...I just...this should be...this should all be different.

The conversation stops, and I force my weary head up to meet the General's eyes, and my suddenly cold and numb fingers quickly fumble in front of me for the notes for my part of the briefing. All eyes have turned to me now, waiting for me to speak, and Kawalsky sits upright, glance asking me if I'm okay. I brush any questions away as I rise shakily to my feet, forcing myself to launch into my prepared words.

"For...for those of you on your first trip through the gate, you should be prepared for what to expect..."

I continue on, and debate resounds around the table, but I don't hear it, I don't hear it at all. I make the occasional comment when I'm directly questioned, and though I get a long look from time to time from the General, the rest of the briefing passes in a blur, as does the rest of my life. And it's end. I see it now, a staff blast in the chest, a knife in the back, it matters not. Somewhere down the line I just stop caring. Just give up. Why? I really couldn't tell you, only that something was supposed to happen today, something was supposed to start, a seed was meant to be planted, and...and...

Nothing.

Oh I'll do my job and I'll live my life such as it is but...but...

It just ain't right

Something just ain't right.

**************************************

Oh God...oh Jesus H. Christ, what the hell was that?

I find myself sitting bolt upright in bed, drenched with sweat, trembling from head to toe. I have to blink rhythmically, fresh tears following well-worn tracks down my cheeks, and I swipe at them with a hand that shakes so much I can barely control it.

I...I...man that was one hell of a dream. Those damn natives told us that stuff was strong but...but I never for one moment imagined I'd see...what I saw. Stuff of dreams they said, see yourself in other places they said. Carter examined the stuff before they made us take it, and she was pretty sure that worst case scenario would be one hell of a bad trip. Well you were right Carter, the magic mushroom's or whatever they put in there were strong, damn strong. They let us go after we sampled their stuff...and we all underwent an unpleasant round of stomach pumps when we got back home. Doc Frasier assured me that they'd gotten it all, that we would be okay...

Well I'm not okay. Oh God I'm not damned okay.

I scramble out of bed and shed my sweaty shorts and old T-shirt. I quickly don some fatigues and splash my face with water before glancing at the clock. 5.30. A little too early for me to be up and about without raising suspicion. Well I'm not going back to sleep anyway, I don't want to...dream...again.

But it was such a vivid dream, it was like seeing an alternate life through another...me. Hang on...another me? Alternate? See yourself in other places the natives said. What if it *wasn't* just a dream? What if it was another Jack O'Neill's life, one of the alternate universe thingies? God...a reality with Carter, and yet without her. Without *my* Carter. I guess in all those universes with all those possibilities it has to exist, but man. It was...it just wasn't right. In all the realities we've seen, Carter and I, well, there was always something going on between us, and now even in one where she wasn't there, the other Jack whose eyes I was looking out of knew something wasn't right. He knew she wasn't there, somehow he knew. Yeah there was a Carter, and for all I know he was just like mine, with one important difference. She was a he, and as far as I'm concerned that difference is a pretty big one.

He never knew her, would never know her. To go through life without even knowing her? I just can't imagine. It's funny, ever since we went through that zata...zanax...whatever thing, I've had cause on a few occasions to think I'd be better off if I'd never set eyes on her. To wish we'd never met.

I take it back. I take it all back.

I've seen myself in a world without her, and regardless of the pain I have to go through, regardless of not having her, and probably ending up having to see her with someone else, I am thankful for having had her near. For having known her, and loved her. I guess it's time I admitted she's a big part of why I keep on going, and I hope she knows that.

Well...she doesn't does she? Sometimes the signals we send between us are so mixed and change so often I sometimes wonder if she's even my friend. I know that I've swung from one extreme to the other, from brushing any idea of us away to following her like a puppy after the whole 'caring more than I'm supposed to' thing came out. No we've never really spoken about 'it', but maybe, maybe we don't need to. Not right now. But maybe I could just tell her I'm glad to know her. Glad to be her friend. And I am.

I'm glad to be her friend.

I stand, smooth my hair, then step out of my quarters into the dim corridor. Yeah I know it's early, but I could go get her up and take her for an early breakfast in the commissary, somewhere quiet yet public so she won't be anxious. Then I'll tell her I'm glad she's around, and tell her regardless of anything, that I'm glad she came into my life. Maybe I'll tell her that she makes my life worth living, or maybe that's too much. I can't help but smile at the expression she'd be wearing if I told her that. Nah Jack, keep it simple, just let her know.

I have to let her know, or that dream will never, never let me forget.

I stride on, but halfway along the corridor I lose my nerve. What if...what if she just gets up and leaves? What if she gets mad and warns me off? I...maybe I should just forget about it...maybe I could just pay for her doughnuts tomorrow or something...I...

Fear and doubt creeps up my spine and I stop, and backtrack, retracing my steps, rounding the corner back to my room. I should just...go back to bed. The dream is fading a little now, maybe I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion...but...

No. I'm gonna do this. Even if I don't get up the nerve to say anything we can go have breakfast. Maybe I can tell her I had a bad dream, and just need some company. She'll appreciate me asking her, won't she? I would, if things were reversed. Okay...I'm gonna do this.

I turn once more, biting a nail and when I pad softly around the corner I raise my head, and stop dead. At the other end of the corridor, facing away, is a figure I'd be able to identify anywhere. It's Carter, the *real* Carter. Looking lost and vulnerable in little shorts and an old T-shirt. She's standing there, shifting from bare foot to bare foot, her hands up somewhere by her face. What is she doing here? Could she...could she have had dreams, visions, too? Did she just go through something similar to me? Is she...is she here to see me?

Daniel and Teal'c's quarters are around the corner, closer to hers than mine. And she's here, not there. She moves then, hands dropping to their sides as she shakes her head and strides towards the corner. No...don't go...please. She stops, suddenly, almost as if she's heard me, then her hands come up to cover her face. What's wrong Sam, what's wrong? Did you see something that made you wake, sweating and crying? Did you see an alternate universe that made you so glad of the one you're in, despite some of the difficulties we face? Did you?

She seems to come to a decision then, and straightens her shoulders, hands fisted, then she turns and walks resolutely up the corridor. Towards me. She's so intent on her journey at first that when she notices me she almost trips. Almost. Her beautiful face is smudged and red with tears. Just like mine.

We study each other intently, unsure, afraid, and yet also...at least on my part, so very glad to see her. *Samantha* Carter. A woman. The woman I...care about. Far too much. Is that why she's here? Did she see a world without me? Did she go there and feel that pain of absence, that very sense of wrongness? Did she wake so glad to be in this reality, and not another? A reality with me in it, whether we can be together or not?

Did she?

*Did she?*

There's only one way to find out, and only one way I can make myself feel better by telling her how very glad I am just to know her, to be with her every day.

I take a step towards her, and she takes a step towards me.

***************************************
THE END
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