The seating around the hocky pitch was crammed full of SGC personnel, and a few people who had no idea what was going on, but had seen the crowd and figured that something good was happening.
General Hammond, having pulled rank, had managed to get a seat right at the front, but at the moment was fighting with a man who claimed to have tickets for the exact same seats.
"But these say Seats A5 to A7!" the man was shouting.
Hammond felt like taking the hot dog the man was holding and shoving it-
"What does this say?" he asked the man, shoving a card ID under the other's nose.
"Erm... Membership for Baldies Anonymous?"
Hammond hurridly shoved the card back in his pocket and pulled another one out. "What about this one?"
"General G. Hammond?"
"Right. Military equals guns. I have a gun in my pocket and I will blow your head off it you don't move right now."
The man figured he probably wouldn't win against a nut case anyway, and moved off to another set of seating.
"Moron." muttered Hammond. It never actually occured to him that his ticket said A17.
In the centre of the hockey field stood Jack O'Neill, waiting for Sam Carter, who was currently standing on the sidelines giving her team a pep talk, standing all alone with his hockey stick, looking distinctly nervous. Hammond couldn't blame him, those women looked like they were out for blood.
**
"Teal'c remind me again why in hell's name we're doing this."
"We are doing this because Colonel O'Neill threatened to kill us if we did not."
"Oh... you think I could possibly use the gate to get to another planet. Anything but... /this/!"
"It is supposed to distract the women from playing an effective game."
"Right..."
Teal'c regarded the sparkly pompoms he held in his hand as if they were a strange animal that would jump up and bite him if he weren't careful. Daniel wasn't even touching his, just regarding them with a nasty glower.
"Daniel Jackson..."
"Yes, Teal'c?"
"What is cheerleading?"
**
Sam and the other women filed out onto the pitch, floodlit into obvious fake daylight, holding their hockey sticks at the ready. Under any normal circumstances, Jack would have been sorely tempted to run, or at least have a few heavy duty grenades at the ready for self-defense, but this time, he had an ace in the hole.
"Got your Will updated?" called out Sam. "Cause you're going to need it."
"Playing on the pitch or playing street hockey, I can take you anytime, Carter!"
"That a promise, Colonel?!"
Cassandra, who had been the only person everyone had been absolutely sure would be impartial in this, in spite of the fact that her adoptive mother was playing (Jack /had/ got her a dog...), was holding a whistle, looking as mean as only referees can - holding all the power, and knowing that they held it.
"Alright!" Cassie's voice boomed out, courtesy of a megaphone, which was almost the size of her head. "Anything goes, but Sam's rules stick."
Jack looked at her.
Cassie shrugged almost apologetically. "She bought me an ice cream before we came."
Jack rolled his eyes.
"PLAY!!!" Cassie blew the whistle she held, and blew it very hard.
Jack gestured sharply to Daniel and Teal'c, who had trudged onto the pitch and now looked as if they were lining up for a firing squad. At his motions, they exchanged a weary glance and started to wave their pom poms in the air in a manner that would make any over-active teenage cheerleaders worth their salt cringe.
"Ra, ra, Jack's our man, if he can't do it, no one can. Yay."
In spite of the fact that their voices possessed all of the enthusiasm that someone who had been subjected to the recitation of one of Daniel's longest winded reports (before he had been ordered to keep them to fifty thousand words or less) the pair's antics were definitely distracting. Not only to the female team, but to two thirds of the spectators in the stands. The other third were busy ordering food.
Jack grinned evilly at the expression of the women, most of whom had their jaws somewhere in the region of ground level. This was going to be fun.
"I SAID PLAY!!!! ISN'T ANYONE LISTENING TO ME???"
**
By half-time, Sam was beginning to wish she were dead, or, like the rest of her team, needing of medical attention so she had an excuse to get out of this. Mara Tilmore had tripped and fallen early on, spraining an ankle; Katya Smith had been staring at Teal'c and Daniel's antics, had forgotten to stop running, and had crashed into a wall, giving herself concussion; various other team members were nursing injuries, and Janet Frasier was popping pills.
Sam paced up and down. "There has to be a way to win this." she muttered to herself.
"You know," Janet said, capping the bottle of triple strength paracetamol, "You could always just concede."
"You must be joking." Sam said, and resumed her pacing.
Janet shook her head. "Sam! He's managed to take out an entire team. By. Himself. What does that tell you for your chances of winning against him?"
"It'll be a challenge?" Sam tried.
"Ha!" Janet laughed without humour. "Suicide more like." She leaned forward and patted Sam's arm. "How about this: you go out and face him, I'll put any organs or limbs you might lose back in the right places."
"Your confidence is inspiring."
"Thanks. I thought so."
Sam sat down on one of the benches, carefully not to knock one of the technicians, who was having her leg splinted, off the end. "There has to be a way out of this." she said, and put her head in her hands.
"You're even! You got him sans clothes, and vice versa. What's the problem?"
"It's the principle of the thing."
"Fine, but I just have one question."
"What /is/ it, Janet?"
"Who's the name of your next of kin? Just so I know who to notify."
**
In the stands, an airman from the SGC and Hammond were having a slight disagreement.
"My money's on Carter."
Hammond shook his head. "O'Neill's managed to take out some of the most formidable women on the base. He's gonna win."
"So, I'm cheering for the underdog."
Hammond sighed. "Fine, so do you want to bet?"
"Gambling? With my superior officer? Isn't that against regulations?"
"Well... if you don't think you're going to win..."
"If I win, you get to sit in the control room, and call out the chevrons as they lock. After a few days, you'll never be able to count above seven ever again."
"Fine. What if I win?"
"Erm... I'll do your bidding for the next month. That includes cleaning out the locker room whenever an SG team comes back from a planet."
"Deal." Hammond turned away. "Sucker."
**
Daniel was sitting in the locker room, trying ineffectually to hide his head in his pom poms. He was never going to be able to show his face in the SGC ever again.
Although, he thought, brightening, he'd already managed to make a complete and utter idiot of himself on several other occasions, and this time, Teal'c got to share in his humiliation. That made him feel much better, and he glanced up to see Jack lounging on one of the other seats. Teal'c had disappeared, muttering something about finding a conveniently sized cave and using his staff weapon to collapse it about himself.
"I think I've pretty much got this game won." said Jack smugly. "You might not even have to do the cheerleading thing again."
"Hooray." said Daniel, with as much excitement as he could muster, which, was to say, very little.
At that moment, Sam entered the locker room, chattering at high speed. "Jack? Where's Jack? Oh, there you are, I don't suppose I could talk to you, just for a moment, don't worry about a thing, you'll be back for the second half, and I just need you to listen to me for half a second-"
Somewhere in the middle of this recitation, she had grabbed Jack, hauled him to his feet, and got him out of the room on the final syllable of 'second', without leaving any time for Jack to argue.
"Christ, you are freakishly strong, Carter!" said Jack, rubbing his upper arm surreptitiously.
"Now is not the time for subtlety." she snapped, hand planted firmly on her hips.
Jack frowned, "So, what is it time for?" In retrospect, that was the sort of question that was looking for the response he got.
"This." Sam grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled his head toward her own, planting a passionate kiss on his lips. He was so startled, he couldn't help but respond.
When they broke apart, Sam smiled softly and ran a hand across his cheek. "If we keep this up, it's going to result in one of us killing the other, probably by embarrassing them to death."
Alright, so this wasn't the sort of victory Jack had been anticipating, but he certainly wasn't going to object to it. He jerked his head in the vague direction of the crowd outside.
"Won't they be slightly disappointed that they're not going to see the fight they want?"
Sam touched his face again. "We'll think of something."
Jack gave her a soft kiss again and headed for the door, Sam a few steps behind him. She tried not to snigger tactlessly. He'd never noticed her pocketing the scissors she'd used to cut a hole in the rear of his pants.
**
Hammond and the airman sat in dumbfounded shock as O'Neill and Carter made the announcement that they were calling an end to the game, and Cassie said that she didn't care what they did as long as she got paid. Hammond had to wonder what sort of values Cassie was learning from her Earth schoolmates.
"So what do we do now?" said the airman. "Neither of them won."
"I didn't lose!" protested Hammond.
"Well, neither did I!" the airman said, then were suddenly distracted by the burst of camera flashes as hundreds of people throughout the stadium took a picture of something on the pitch.
The two of them stared mutely at the scene for a moment, the object of the photos completely unaware that people were photographing him.
"Stupid bet anyway." said Hammond after a moment.
"Absolutely. More popcorn, General?"
-Fini
Story Notes: It's finished! It's finally finished. No more sequels. Please don't lynch me. DustDevil, once again, provided the inspiration for this in her original reply to my plea for HELP!, so, many thanks to her again. Feedback is A Good Thing. Flames will be fed to an obliging Dragon, after I've composed a scathing retort.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]