"Dammit, Carter!!!"
Sam Carter jumped slightly as the door slammed open and banged against the walls, making some of the various instruments and trinkets on the shelves rocks slightly. She smiled with almost sickening sweetness.
"Problem, Colonel?"
Jack O'Neill had a face like thunder as he strode through the lab to Sam's desk and slammed the coffee mug on the table. "Explain to me why someone saw fit to mix gelatine granules with this morning's batch of coffee!"
Sam widened her eyes slightly. "Sir!" she said, putting as much innocent surprise as she could not the words. "Who would do a thing like that?"
"Very funny, Sam, see me laugh, see my sides split."
Sam balanced her pencil on the pad of her index finger. "You look rather dour to me, Jack." she informed him.
Jack leaned forward so his face was only a few inches from hers. "You would be if you had to /chew/ your coffee." He turned the mug upside down and a mis-shapen brown lump fell out and quivered slightly on the desk as it came to a stop. Sam pressed her lips together in an attempt not to laugh.
She reached out with one finger and pressed it down slightly. "Squishy." she said, suppressed laughter colouring her voice.
"You've gone too far this time." said Jack. "The frogs I could handle. But no one messes with my coffee." He slammed out of the office, causing a model of a rather large molecule to fall to the floor.
Sam presses the quivering mass on her desk again. "Very squishy."
**
It was lunchtime, and the whole of SG-1 had sat down to eat their lunch in the mess. Teal'c and Daniel had positioned themselves so Sam and Jack couldn't sit next to each other. To be honest, they were half-worried about one attacking the other with a fork or some other such thing. At least this way, they could try and stop anything /really/ bad from happening.
After all, everyone still remembered the incident with the frogs a few days ago. Some people still swore the amphibians could be heard in the ventilation system.
They were on a reasonably pleasant topic of coversation. That of Daniel's latest finds on PKX908. And indiginous race had apparently just died out, leaving a wealth of archaeological treasures.
"And the writings appeared to be something similar to the Ancient Greek civilisation." Daniel was saying, and Sam was the only one who was really paying much attention.
"Really?" she said. "What about the-" Sam suddenly stopped mid-sentence, her features abruptly slackening.
"Problem, Carter?" asked Jack, in the same tone she had used with him earlier.
"Just fine, sir." she said in a slightly strained and wheezing tone, garnering odd looks from Teal'c and Daniel. With that, she snatched up her glass of water and proceeded to drain it in three large gulps, then seized Teal'c's glass and finished it off in a similar fashion. "I think someone over-spiced the food today." she said, once she could speak in a more normal tone, glaring viciously at Jack.
"Really? I wonder who that could have been." Jack was playing the paragon of innocence. Sam felt like wiping that smug expression off his face.
"I don't know, sir," she responded tightly, pushing her plate in his direction. "Would you like to taste it and see what I mean?"
"No thanks, Carter," said Jack, even more smugly. "I had a large breakfast."
Daniel and Teal'c, neither of whom had touched their food, simultaneously dropped their forks and pushed their plates away from them.
"Teal'c," said Daniel, "Feel like pizza?"
"I believe so."
**
Jack grinned as he looked at the last doughnut on the plate in the briefing room. Everyone else had already grabbed theirs. Except for Sam. This was an extra special doughnut, just for her. The heavily spiced food at lunch had only been part one of the two stage food torment Jack had conceived of.
Granted, he /had/ had to make pretty inventive use of a needle-less syringe from the lab, and a plastic funnel, in order to get the plaster into the doughnut, but he figured the anticipated result was well worth it.
"Colonel," came Hammond's voice as he strode in, flipping through SG-5's latest report. He spied the lone doughnut on the plate and slowed. "Are you going to eat that?"
"Erm..." Jack jumped out of his seat. It would /really/ not do to have Hammond try and eat the doughnut. "No..."
"Oh, then you won't mind if I have it then." Hammond reached over for it.
"Sir, you don't want the doughnut." Jack said.
Hammond glared at him. "Why not, exactly?"
"No reason, but, believe me, sir, you don't want that doughnut."
Hammond glared at Jack for a moment longer, then he pointed to his uniform. "Colonel, do you have any idea what these stars mean?"
Jack winced. Great, Hammond was bringing rank into it. "You're a General?"
"Right, and what does that mean?"
"You outrank me?"
"Damned right." Hammond snatched up the doughtnut. "If I want to eat this, then I am going to eat this. Understood, Colonel?"
Jack mentally checked as to whether he'd updated his Will recently. "Yes, sir. Perfectly, sir."
"Good." Hammond stormed off to his office, slamming the door behind him.
Jack sat down heavily and started banging his head against the desk. "Shit."
"What's the matter, Jack?" asked a low voice near his right ear. Jack jumped. Last time Sam had purred like that, he had ended up in a rather compromising position in the Gateroom. He watched Sam warily, while she, for her part, grinned evilly.
"Let me guess," she said, sidling even closer to him. "Hammond just took the doughnut filled with plaster of paris that was meant for me."
Jack stared at her. "How did-"
"Simmons told me." Sam grinned. "Good thing about a crush, I can get just about anything I want out of him."
"Anything?" Jack echoed.
"And who," said Sam, ignoring him. "DO you think is responsible for letting Hammond know about the one remaining doughnut."
Jack glowered. "You're a dead ma- erm... woman."
"O'NEILL!!!!!" The outraged yell came from Hammond's office.
Sam gave jack a quick peck on the cheek. "Run along," she told him. "Just remember to label all dismembered body parts so Janet can reassemble them later."
With a cheery wave, she left Jack to face the music, and one very irate General.
-Fini
Food Fight by Jewels
Story Notes: Honestly, do the words "no more sequels" have no more meaning to you people?! Not that I'm complaining, but I decided that caving to the whims of my muse was best for my sanity. This thing has officially become a series.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]