Sam's Journal - Entry 10 (dates don't matter)
We survived, and Apophis was defeated. Barely! I never thought we'd be able to utter such words, but we did, and proudly so. I was right to follow Colonel Jack O'Neill. For the first time in my life, I disregarded rules and regulations, and I followed my gut. And it paid off! We're getting medals! We are considered heroes!
How fickle human nature is! If we had failed, we would have been treated like traitors, thrown in jail, and punished like common criminals. But since we did not, we are now the opposite. It goes to show you that, despite the straightforwardness and predictability of military life, something you very soon learn to depend on, there is so much more we must consider when making important decisions.
My faith in my CO guided me this time. And now, after everything is said and done, and I am able to lie in bed and reminisce about recent events, I'm left to ponder what would have happened if I had taken that other path and gone in the opposite direction when faced with the proverbial fork in the road. The possibilities are too horrible to contemplate, and I choose to believe that I will always make the right decision when faced with such a dilemma.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 30
I almost died today. But that was not the most important occurrence by far. What's more important is that I learned something about myself that I didn't know. I learned something that astounded me, and filled me with a new sense of worth. I am strong. I am a survivor. I can face death and stare at it squarely in the eye, and not blink.
I always knew that I was brave. But I had always suspected that my bravery was the obtuse result of too much curiosity and an excess of naiveté as well. I know now that my bravery is also the result of my love and loyalty for my friends. I was more afraid of being in their way, of letting them down, and of being the cause of their deaths, than I was of dying myself.
The happiness and relief I saw in their faces when they saw me, after thinking I had died in Apophis' ship, was enough to convince me, once and for all, that I am no longer alone. Sha're is beyond my reach. My Abydosian family is light years away. My parents are dead. My grandfather is also gone, if not in body, in mind. My former friends and colleagues have all turned their backs on me. But I have Jack, Sam and, yes, even Teal'c. The man responsible for picking Sha're to become a Goa'uld, is family to me now. Who would have thought?
Jack's Journal – Entry 6
We kicked the snake's ass! I'm so happy that I could kiss Hammond, dance with Teal'c and listen to Daniel prattle on for hours without interrupting him. Carter… I could just watch her for hours, no problem there. It's becoming therapy. When I'm too antsy to function properly, I go visit Carter in her lab and just watch her work. It drove her crazy at the beginning. I know it made her nervous. But now she just gives me that great smile of hers, says hi, and continues working while we chat about nothing.
I am grateful beyond words that she chose to follow me in this mission. I had truly doubted that she would. It is just so against her nature to thumb her nose at the regulations. But she did. And somehow that means a hell of a lot to me. I knew I could count on her brains, her dedication, her creativity, and her other many skills. Now I know I can count on her personal loyalty and her trust.
The planet is safe, for now. Thanks to my team. That was one wild, lucky as hell ride! If it wasn't because of Bra'tac, we'd all be dead. And I do mean, all of us! We owe the man a great debt. I don't think we'll ever be able to repay him. The best we can do is to continue the fight against the Goa'uld, which is now his only purpose in life. That's what I'll do, no matter what the sacrifices. And I think I can count on my team to be there, by my side, every step of the way.
Jack's Journal – Entry 7
Carter almost died today. And I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that a Goa'uld sacrificed itself for her. That's what she says happened, but I still can't quite believe it. Frankly, whats or whys don't concern me right now. I'm more concerned with Carter's well-being.
She's not doing so well. Physically, Doc Frasier says she'll be OK. The snake is dead and being absorbed by her body, and it doesn't seem to be causing any physical problems other than leaving a trace of naquadah and an alien protein marker in her blood.
Emotionally, however, Carter is a wreck. She has spoken only a few words since she woke up, only to tell us that Jolinar, the dead snake, died for her. I tried to get her to talk to me about it, but she just stared at me with huge, wounded blue eyes and shook her head. Then she spaced out, for the longest time.
Daniel and Teal'c have not been any luckier. She did not respond to them either. She just stares at nothing and cries silently. I think she is somewhere else, remembering, wondering, and maybe trying to make sense of what happened to her.
I have never felt so powerless in my life. I wish I could help her, but I don't know how. I asked Janet to bring Cassie around to see if she could cheer Carter up. She has a soft spot for our little alien girl.
This incident has had other repercussions for me, and I guess that's why I'm writing again. I'm confused. More than confused, I'm troubled.
Seeing Carter on the floor, almost dead, hit me like a blow to the head. Worse. I can't describe what I felt. Despair, for certain. It reminded me of Charlie's death. The same feeling I had, watching my son bleed to death in my arms, overpowered me when I watched Dr. Frasier frantically trying to bring Carter back. And this makes me wonder about my true feelings for my 2IC.
I knew I liked her, in many ways. I knew I found her physically attractive. Heck! That was the first thing I acknowledged about her. She's a knockout, after all, and I'd have to be dead not to notice! I remember the first time I saw her standing at the door of the briefing room, legs from here to there, blond hair shining under the artificial lights, huge blue eyes you could drown in. My first thought was that Barbie had joined the Air Force, and that she was mine to play with. Then she saluted me, and I was deaf and dumb. I don't think I said anything. I was truly speechless for a few seconds. Then it came back to me that someone was picking my team for me, and I remembered that I was supposed to be annoyed.
Later she smiled at one of my lame jokes, and I lost my train of thought again! That smile hit me hard from the beginning. Her feistiness was the next think I noticed. She was forceful, daring, and almost insubordinate. And I loved it! Then she started with the techno-babble, and my bubble burst!
I hated scientists, until I really got to know Carter. Now I can tolerate them. She, I outright admire. But I'd never tell her that. I know she'd be embarrassed. There are so many things I like about Carter! I knew that, and I thought it was just fitting. I mean, the girl has some awesome attributes, and she's great in the field. But now I have to face the possibility that I may be liking her too much. This is dangerous, for both of us. So I have to take a hold of myself and remember that I'm her superior officer, a much older man, and a complete ignorant compared to her. If I can see this, anyone can, including her. And I would never want her to feel uncomfortable in my team because of my very inappropriate feelings. So these feelings will be taken firmly under control, and she must never find out that she's become special to me. That would be disastrous!
My main concern now is for her to get well, and to come back to active duty. I don't want anyone else in her place. She has to come back!
Daniel's Journal – Entry 31
Sam responded to Cassie today. She looked at her and seemed to recognize her. Then she cried again while Cassie held her hand. We were all relieved much later when she told Cassie not to worry, that she was not feeling well right now, but that she would get better and come to play chess with her next Saturday. Janet's smile lit up the room at this. The doctor has a beautiful smile.
Sam eventually fell asleep and we all went to the mess hall to grab something to eat. Jack still looked concerned, and Janet noticed. She told him that Sam was a strong person, and that she would get over this. But that it was important for her to have the support of her friends, and that she counted on each one of us to keep Sam company until she was back to normal.
Jack just nodded, but still looked concerned. So I talked to Janet later and asked her if there was something he knew that we did not. She assured me that we knew everything she knew, but that there may be something that only Jack knew. When I asked her what she meant, she hesitated, and I outright begged. She smiled at me and she said that she had noticed something when they were working on reviving Sam. "I glanced at Colonel O'Neill at one point, not knowing what else to do to help her. And what I saw in his eyes shocked me." When I asked her what she saw, she made me promise not to repeat this to anyone. She said it could have been her imagination, but she thought she had seen downright terror in his eyes. She says she saw a man that was about to lose something precious. And then she reminded me how wrong it would be for Jack and Sam to have more than a professional relationship.
This led to a sort of argument between us. I told her that the non-fraternization rules were ridiculous, and she listed the many reasons why they exist. I still think they should not apply to the SGC. The SGC is not the regular Air Force. It is a very special place, and special rules should apply. When I told her that, she just gave me that beautiful smile again and patted my arm at what she surely perceived to be naiveté. I assured her that, in any case, she was wrong. Sam and Jack have never acted in an unprofessional way. They work very well together. She looks up to him, and he respects her as a scientist and as a soldier, but that's all as far as I can tell. Now, however, I'm sure I'll be paying closer attention. In an alternate reality, after all, they were supposed to get married.
Sam's Journal – Entry 11
I avoided writing for some time, but it is the only thing I haven't tried. So here it goes! Now, however, I'll be writing in my computer, and erasing the files once I'm done. No more slow, white pages that could be found and end up incriminating me. I'll be burning the ones at home as soon as I go back tonight.
I can't sleep. I mean… I can't sleep without dreaming about Jolinar. It's like he's trying to tell me about him, and forcing me to remember bits and pieces of his life, but it all makes no sense to me. Some are outright nightmares. I have memories of torture, of incredible pain. I remember running, trying to escape, and these are the worst dreams. I wake up terrified, drenched in sweat and with my heart about to pop out of my mouth. And when I try to remember what I was dreaming, it all fades away, and all I end up with is a feeling of fear and regret. I feel like I died leaving something unaccomplished. Like HE died with something unaccomplished.
This is driving me crazy! Even our recent missions have not been able to help me get over it. I have tried to immerse myself in my work, and during the waking hours, it helps. I forget about Jolinar and about his unfair possession of my body. But at night, he returns. I'm so glad that our missions have not required for us to spend nights camping out. I've been able to keep my nightmares from my teammates and my CO. I mentioned to Janet that I'm not sleeping well, but she does not know the extent of my problem. I don't want to have to go for another psych evaluation or end up taken off duty. I can manage. I know I can. My work has not been affected yet. If I see that it does, then I'll say something.
Jolinar's memories are not the only ones keeping me awake. I remember bits and pieces of what happened when I was possessed. I remember arriving at the SGC and Jolinar's discomfort at the strange surroundings. I remember him digging into my memories to extract what he needed to function and fool my people. I remember screaming at him to get off my body, I remember struggling for control, and I remember losing.
My worst memory, by far, is of my Colonel walking out on me while I begged him to listen to me, not to leave me. It was the single moment of control that Jolinar allowed me, and Colonel O'Neill just ignored me. I know why he did it. I knew even then. But it hurt nonetheless. I had wanted so badly for him to look at me and know that it was I talking to him. I had wanted for him to touch me, put his arms around me, and tell me that everything would be OK, like he had done before, when we thought we had lost Daniel. But I was left with nothing but loneliness and despair, until the ashrak found me and tried to kill me. I should say, tried to kill us. He succeeded in killing Jolinar, and it is as if part of me, Samantha Carter, had died with him.
I still can't understand why I feel this is so. I had been struggling against the invasion the whole time. I only started to give in when I sensed true regret after Jolinar threatened Cassie. He had not wanted to do it. He hated scaring her, but he did it because he needed to through the stargate before he was discovered. He needed to go to…
I still struggle with my memories. I remember him telling me that he was sorry, and that he would leave me once he could find a willing host. And when the ashrak found us, he asked me to sleep, to let myself go, so that I would suffer less.
I know he needed to go back to his people. That was his obsession while in my body. But who are they? What is their purpose? Do they really fight the Goa'uld, like Teal'c's legends say? I also know there was a particular person Jolinar needed to see once more. I remember him clearly saying to me "I will let you go once I see him again. I promise, Sam." And I knew he meant it.
I think writing about this has helped some. I will have to keep doing this until I can remember more. I think it is important, especially if the Tok'Ra can be allies in our fight against the Goa'uld.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 32
Linea fooled us all! We helped a mass murderer escape, and she is now loose in the galaxy, free to cause more death and pain. How could we be so wrong? After all the evil we have been witness to, how could we not see it in her?
I still can't believe that the gentle old woman we worked with is capable of such atrocities. But she did not hesitate to betray us and take what she wanted. I just hope we don't live to regret what we did!
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 33
I saw my parents die again, and again, and again. I had forgotten so many details through the years. But now, thanks to The Gamekeeper, as we have baptized him, I can remember every detail of that horrible day. What's worse, these memories have brought back other memories of my life after their death that I wish had stayed buried as well. How I was forgotten by everyone but my mom's young assistant while the whole scandal of the accident was being handled, how I ended up bounced from foster home to foster home until they located Nick, my grandfather. He had been in a dig in Central America for months, and found out that his daughter had died six months after the fact.
When he finally came, it was only to tell me that he could not keep me. He told me that I would be better off without him, that I needed a normal life, with a family, school, and friends my own age. He had no clue of what he was sentencing me to. I never did have my normal, happy life. I guess I was too traumatized by my parents' death. I was too used to being on my own in a world of ancient artifacts and ruins, dust and grime, adult conversation, and intellectual challenges that other kids never could relate to. I continued to be alone, but in an alien world, until I was old enough to escape.
I was lucky that I could become emancipated at an early age, thanks to my many scholarships and the support of some of my teachers. I studied hard, and I buried myself in work, the only thing that I understood. I didn't have friends my own age, and I could never have a normal relationship with a woman. The closest I came to it was with Sarah. But at the end she could not deal with me either.
I miss Sha're! I miss her so much that it physically hurts. She was the only one that truly ever understood me. She was the only person that truly accepted me for who I was, and was happy with me despite of it. I miss having her in my arms at night when I sleep. I miss her laughter, and her temper, and her sweetness. I miss the way she would relentlessly play with my body when I was busy at work and kept trying to ignore her. She was the only one that could make me forget about the latest translation, or the latest artifact, and lose myself in physical pleasure.
I wonder where my beloved wife is, and whether she is suffering as a host, or is living in oblivion. I hope it is the latter.
Jack's Journal – Entry 8
I am furious at Daniel! I know that he is a victim, as much as Teal'c, Carter and I were, but I'm pissed anyway! He should have known better! He should have refused to go into the damned sarcophagus, and should have demanded that we be freed. But no! He had to be the diplomat. He had to try to do it his way! And we almost died in those frickin' mines! Now he is going through withdrawal, and I know what that's like. But despite feeling sorry for him, I'm still angry.
Carter came to talk to me today. She came to plead Daniel's case. But as I listened to her, all I could see was her gaunt and pale face, the purple circles under her eyes, and the cuts and bruises on her skin. All I could remember was listening to her whimpers of pain as she slept lying on the hard ground of the mine at night, her tears of frustration when she could not lift her tools any more, or take one more step, and the way she would drop at the end of each day. Teal'c ended up carrying her to her sleeping spot the last few nights, after she had passed out from sheer exhaustion. I was afraid that she might die on us during the night, and I watched her sleep, making sure she was still breathing. But she always woke up the next morning with new energy and determination, ready to tackle another day at the mines.
Despite my concern, I didn't dare touch her and reveal my feelings to her or Teal'c. I'm still pretty sure that no one knows how I feel about her, and I have to keep it that way. Besides, I could not help her. I could not relieve her burden, for fear of her being killed or abused for not doing her work.
And she still has forgiveness and compassion in her heart! She wants me to forgive and forget. If I do, I'll do it for her sake.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 34
I think I may have damaged my friendship with Jack irreparably. He has forgiven me, but I know that he is still disappointed with me. I disobeyed his orders, tried to handle the situation with Shyla my way, and my team was hurt as a result. I understand why it is so hard for him to get over his disappointment, because I can't forgive myself either.
Sam has been wonderful about the whole thing. She still looks terrible after those long days in the mines. She is pale and weak, but she acts as if nothing major has happened. She says I made a mistake, but that we all will get over it, and she has been more concerned about my recovery from the effects of the sarcophagus. "Live and learn," she said with that wonderful smile. She also assured me that Jack would get over his upset and be OK. I have my doubts, but I'm glad I still have her to rely on. She has been like a loving, protective big sister to me all along, and now I need that more than anything.
Teal'c has said nothing about the whole thing. I haven't had a chance to really try to talk to him about it, mainly because I've been too much of a chicken to do it. I respect his opinion, and I'm afraid to hear that he agrees with Jack.
How I could forget about Sha're and even consider being with another woman is still beyond me. The sarcophagus really messed up my brain. That's the only explanation. But I still feel terribly guilty about that as well. Sha're would throw things at me and refuse to speak to me for days if she knew, but I know she would forgive me. So I have to try to forgive myself and go on with my work now that Jack has allowed me back in the team. It happened sooner than I expected and I'm thankful for that. Especially when I almost shot him. I'm lucky to have such a forgiving and understanding new family.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 35
We made contact with Thor's people! And they know about us now! Jack is happy about it, but wishes the "little buggers" had allowed us more than a glimpse. And Sam is shocked that they are of the same race as the Roswell aliens, which we all thought were bogus. I'm encouraged. We are a step closer to getting powerful allies. We just need to be patient.
Sam's Journal – Entry 12
Colonel O'Neill almost died today. I felt so helpless, seeing him stuck to the wall of the gate room in agony! And he was so brave! My heart nearly stopped when I checked and found that he had no pulse after the staff blasts. I thought I had killed him! And to top it all, when he was cleared from the infirmary, he came to thank me and tell me that he was giving me a commendation.
He still manages to amaze me with his strength and bravery. In contrast, I initially struggled to keep my composure. Seeing him hurt and helpless like that almost made me burst into tears right in front of General Hammond. But then I remembered that, if I lost it, I wouldn't be able to help the Colonel. So I concentrated on working the problem, and tried to forget that he was in the gate room, in pain, with only Teal'c for company. I had to stay away from him, or I wouldn't have been able to concentrate and figure things out. But between Daniel and I we did, and I did not shed one tear. Thank God!
It would have been just precious! If I had given in to my anguish, it would have made clear to everyone that some of the rumors in the SGC grapevine might be true. I know that some people speculate about our relationship. It is said that we are sleeping together, that we have a secret romance going. If it weren't so close to the truth, I'd laugh about it. But there is a kernel of truth in the rumors, because I do care for my CO in a completely inappropriate way, even if it is completely one-sided.
I don't think he knows about the rumors. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone in my team knows. The only reason why I do know is because I overheard some of the girls talking in the locker room. They did not know I was in one of the stalls, and I made sure to stay there long after they were gone. I was too shocked to react, and then I ran to Janet to ask her if she had heard anything about it. She had not, but she promised me that she'd try to find out what was going on.
I still cringe at the words I overheard. "How can they not? Have you seen them together in the mess hall? The way they stand close to each other and look into each other's eyes when they talk? They ALWAYS sit side by side, and they even eat out of each other's plates! It's obvious that they're in love. And if they are in love, they are doing it!" The other women had snickered and agreed that we had to be doing it, that no one could work that closely feeling the way we did and not do it.
I know what they are referring to. Colonel O'Neill always tries to steal the grape tomatoes from my salad, and the other day I started eating from his jell-o dish because he took the last one. He ended up giving the whole thing to me, saying something about avoiding withdrawal symptoms in the field. And yes, we do tend to sit side by side everywhere. I'll have to watch out for that.
To make matters worse, I'm still having those awful Jolinar nightmares. In fact, they are getting worse. Jolinar seems to be prodding me to do something, but I don't know what. When I tried to use the Goa'uld devices in Cimmeria, I thought maybe that's what I was meant to do. So despite my revulsion, I tried. And I failed. It felt alien to me, and it brought up horrible, repulsive feelings to my stomach. I felt so bad that I thought, for a horrifying moment, that I was going to puke in front of my team. But I didn't, and they still have no clue about how I've been affected by Jolinar's possession. I just don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that everything is all right.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 36
Jack came to my office today to say thanks. He said that, if it weren't for Sam and I, his blunder in bringing the orb to the SGC would have destroyed us all. I didn't know what to say, so I just asked him if that meant we were OK now. He gave me a crooked smile and told me we had been OK for a while. He is a good friend. He had already forgiven me for the Shyla incident. I guess it is time that I really forgive myself. We all make mistakes, like Sam says. Funny, considering that she is the most unforgiving person with herself!
I couldn't help myself and I asked him if he had thanked Sam as well. I told him that she was the one that had figured out how to communicate with the alien beings. He said he hadn't yet, but that he was on his way, and that he was giving her a commendation for her good work. I may be seeing things that are not there, now that I am paying closer attention to those two, but he looked definitely nervous. Could Janet be right? Does he have romantic feelings for Sam? The truth is that I couldn't blame him if he did, but I hope he doesn't. It would make it hard for both of them to continue working so closely together and not be able to act on their feelings. I still think that the non-fraternization rules are wrong. No one should be able to prevent you from finding happiness. But I guess I am not cut out for the military life, and rules like this one just go against my nature.
Jack's Journal – Entry 9
I had a close call today with the whole orb thing, and I realized a couple of things: one, that I want to live, and two, that I have a better friend in Teal'c than I ever suspected. He stood there, by my side, the whole time, even if it was just to mop my brow. His presence there, and his moral support, meant more to me than I can express.
I'm still reeling from the whole experience, but I'm even more impacted by the realization that I no longer have a death wish, and that now I have something more than a basic instinct of self-preservation. And it made me wonder why and when this change may have started.
And I think I know. I also know why I no longer think of Sarah when I fantasize. The protagonist of my wet dreams is no longer my ex-wife. Sure, I still love her. I always will. But I'm no longer in love with her.
No. I now picture large blue eyes, blond, soft hair, and a blinding smile when I think of making love to someone. Captain Samantha Carter is the object of my affections, and the woman I crave in my bed at night. I feel like a pervert, even if I do believe every man is entitled to his private fantasies. She is so much younger than me, and my subordinate. But I can't help my feelings.
That's why today, when I went to see her at her lab to thank her for saving us all, especially my sorry ass, I was at a loss for words. I can deal with her just fine when we are Colonel and Captain, doing our daily jobs. But when touchy-feely crap comes up, I'm all tongue-tied. I ended up just saying, "Thanks for saving my ass," or something dumb like that. And she just rewarded me with a brilliant Carter smile that made my heart skip and trip. She said she was glad that I was OK, and that she was glad she'd been able to help. Then she thanked me profusely when I told her about the commendation, and insisted that she didn't really deserve it. Not only is she beautiful and brilliant. She is also modest. And I am caught so tightly in her spell that sometimes I can't breathe!
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 37
Today Teal'c recovered his family. I had heard that "still waters run deep", but we were able to actually see this in our jaffa friend today. I had never seen him be so affected by anything before. He believed in his son with the blindness that only love can bring on. And his fury at his wife's betrayal was like nothing I had seen in my friend before. I saw more passion in Teal'c today than I have seen in the whole year plus since I met him.
I'm glad his son survived this ordeal, and that Teal'c reconciled with his wife. He obviously still loves her, despite their previous detachment. Now they are safe in The Land of Light and he will be able to visit them. Some of my friend's burden has been alleviated, and for that I am grateful.
Excerpts of Daniel's Journal – Entry 38
I had my wife within reach, just to let her slip away again. The monster inside her still rules her. But now I know that Sha're is still within, that the host remains intact, and that she does command some control, however slight, over Amaunet. Otherwise, she would have betrayed us to Apophis when she discovered us in the gate room. She did not. And I could swear that I saw Sha're in those dark, beautiful eyes, even if just for an instant. It leaves me with the hope that we can still find and free my sweet wife, and that my search and my efforts in fighting the Goa'uld are not for nothing.
Her child is safe with Sha're's father, and we will be able to return him to her when we bring her back. Jack said that we would get her back, and I know that if anyone can, he can. I miss her.
Sam's Journal – Entry 13
Why is it that, of all the people on Earth, my father is the one that can really frustrate the heck out of me? Why is it that after all these years, and all the times that we have clashed, he still believes that he can rule my life? And why is it that, despite of how angry he makes me and how much I resent his controlling ways, I still love him so much?
When he told me he had cancer, I felt devastated. Although we have spent most of my adult life separated and in conflict with each other, I felt as if I was a little girl losing her daddy. And I hated having to disappoint him and say no to him. I hated having to keep my work secret from him. And I know that it was because I really wanted to be able to brag about it, and make him proud of me. I felt that maybe this time I could finally obtain his approval.
Instead, I had to let him go, not knowing if I would see him again before he died in ignorance of his daughter's achievements. He knew that our medals had nothing to do with deep space radar telemetry, and he was even more upset because I would not confide in him. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, to remain silent knowing that sharing my secrets would have made him the happiest man on Earth. I saw him walk away feeling his deep disappointment and his disapproval of me, and he broke my heart for the thousandth time. All for the sake of secrecy!
To make matters worse, Daniel was almost able to recover Sha're in Abydos, and he was ultimately unsuccessful. We had to let her go back to Apophis once the Goa'uld within her reawakened. It must have been heartbreaking. He is so sad right now, and I can't do anything to make him feel better. My disappointment and concern over my dad pale in comparison to what he must be going through.
Colonel O'Neill is also upset. He thinks that the reporter in Washington was murdered because he was going to expose the Stargate program. That means that someone higher up is a murderer, and we are working for him or her. It makes me sick just thinking about it, but that is not something I have any control over. And I know that my Colonel will do something about it if there is anything to be done. I have other, closer to my heart, matters to worry about.
What a lousy day this has been!
Jack's Journal – Entry 10
Hammond assured me that he'd had nothing to do with the reporter's death, and I believe him. I really do believe him. What I'm not so sure about is of his superiors' involvement. Hammond himself is not capable of cold-blooded murder. But some others in our government obviously are, and they are part of the Stargate program, or that reporter would still be alive.
It makes me sick to think that I could be part of something so sinister. This is not what I signed up for. Yes, I've done some things in my past that I'm not really proud of, but I was young and naïve then. I just followed orders without question, like a good little soldier. I am too old now to blindly follow orders and not ask the tough questions, even if they get me into trouble. But for now, I have to take Hammond's word for it and let matters be, keeping a watchful eye on things.
Daniel is also in the dumps. He is depressed because he could have saved his wife, and at the end he had to let her go back to Apophis. At least Sha're's child is safe. The space monkey kept his wits about him and did the right thing. He has really grown up during these last two years. I just wish I could do something to make him feel better, but I'm the last person qualified to make someone else feel better. So all I could say was that we'd find her again and get her back. He looked at me with such absolute trust and certainty at that moment, that it really humbled me. It looks like I have a lot to live up to.
The other thing that has gotten me turned inside out was my unexpected reaction at meeting Carter's father. To begin with, I had no idea that her father was a General in the Air Force. Both she and Hammond had kept this information conveniently, and I'm sure intentionally, confidential. I also found out that Hammond and General Carter are old comrades, and that our dear commander had met Sam when she was still a kid. I can understand why he would not have wanted me to know that in the past, but why keep it a secret this long?
What really bugs me, though, is why I suddenly felt so damned uncomfortable with Carter by my side and her father in the same room. I felt slightly sick. At that moment, I thought I just needed air and that I may have eaten something that did not settle well with me. But as soon as I was outside, I felt fine. Now I know what it was. It was the good old "fight-or-flight" response. I ran away because I was afraid the old man could read my face and realize that I had inappropriate feelings for his daughter. OOOH, what a mess that would have been! And what a coward I have become with age!
Sam's Journal – Entry 14
These nightmares are driving me crazy! I finally talked to Janet about them and she suggested that I spend a few nights at the SGC under observation. She feels that, if I allow myself to let the dreams come instead of trying to avoid them, I may be able to figure out what Jolinar is trying to tell me. She, of course, had to inform General Hammond, and he in turn discussed my problem with Colonel O'Neill. He then promptly confronted me in my lab, upset with me for not confiding in him. He told me that the well-being of his team was his responsibility, and that by keeping secrets from him I was undermining his command.
I felt this was an exaggeration and I told him so. We kind of yelled at each other. I would not apologize and he would not back down either, so we just glared at each other for a few seconds and then he stormed off. It is unfair that I have to share even my most private thoughts with my CO. I consider my dreams to be very, very private. If he knew that most of the times he is the main character in them…! Oh, my God! That doesn't bear even thinking about!
The only reason why I went to Janet was because I really had started to feel sleep-deprived. I was hoping for a sedative of some kind, and instead I got an argument with my Colonel. And I don't think this is the last I've heard on the subject.
Sam's Journal – Entry 15
I remembered! Janet was right. Once I stopped struggling with my nightmares and let them come, I was able to remember a lot more. I saw Jolinar pressing a gate address, as clear as daylight, in the middle of a mad rush to escape the Goa'uld. And instead of seeing the Nasyan man I had pictured in my mind to be Jolinar, I saw my own reflection in a mirror. I still don't know what this means. But I also was able to remember faces, and places, and feelings.
Thank you, Janet! Now it is just a matter of convincing my very skeptical CO and General Hammond to let us try that gate address and see if we can find the Tok'Ra!
My new best friend also reassured me that the rumors about the Colonel and I are sporadic and not believed by most. She has also enlisted the help of some of her staff to keep tabs on the grapevine, "for the sake of morale" and all that. She promised to keep me informed. She also asked if there was any truth to the rumors, which threw me for a loop. She is nothing if not direct! But I think my horrified reaction alone convinced her that there is nothing she has to worry about. As if I would tell her! She would have an obligation to report it, and I would never put her in that position. This is my secret, and not one I'm about to share with anyone!
Sam's Journal – Entry 16
My dad is gone. But at least he's not dead. And although I worry about him, I can't help but be in awe at what his life will be like from now on. What a fantastic adventure! I had not seen him so excited about something since… I guess since Mom died.
Now that I understand what the Tok'Ra are, and that I am able to remember so much more of Jolinar's thoughts and feelings, thanks to Martouf, I realize that I could have done so much better with the whole Jolinar possession thing. But I had been too terrified to allow her to give me all she could have. All I have left of her are patches of memories, and now some deep feelings for someone I hardly know.
My first shock was that Jolinar was a woman. And she was a woman in love. When I close my eyes and I let the memories flood my mind, I'm able to actually feel what she felt for Martouf. Their love was deep, unshakeable, and lasting. They were dedicated to their cause and to each other, and fought together for many years. Although they knew their struggle took precedence, they never stopped loving each other as well. Martouf was the one she needed to see so badly when she was inside me. She desperately needed to go to him, especially knowing that her life was in danger. She wanted to hold him once more before she died. And she was unable to do so.
When Martouf told me about her and suggested that I become a host to Selmac, I felt like running away. I was terrified, and yet… a small part of me wanted to do it. That part of me yearned to go back and be with him again. It confused the heck out of me! And it scared me to death! Especially when I saw my CO minutes later, and his presence reminded me of how my body responds to his whenever he is near. It is like I am energized. At least I was able to remember that I am Captain Samantha Carter of SG-1, and that my place is by Colonel Jack O'Neill and the rest of my team.
Jolinar's feelings can be so overwhelming that I am forced to block them for the benefit of my own sanity. Now that we have made contact with the Tok'Ra, I don't feel the need to know more. My father will let us know what we need when the time is right. And I can put my fears and my dreams aside, and try to be Samantha Carter again. I just hope Jolinar agrees with me!
Jack's Journal – Entry 11
Well, we have alien allies. I'm not completely sure of how I feel about it yet. Although I do believe that they fight the Goa'uld, like we do, I still don't completely trust them. They are snakes, after all.
But now Jacob Carter is with them, and the consensus is that this new alliance is a good thing. General Hammond is encouraged and trusts General Carter to make things work. "You don't know Jake yet, Colonel. But believe me when I tell you that Samantha Carter takes after her father in many ways," he told me when I expressed my concerns to him.
I have to admit that, if General Carter is anything like his daughter, we are in good hands. But my suspicious nature will only be satisfied when I see tangible rewards from this new alliance.
So far, all I've gotten from them is arrogance, a very Goa'uld trait. And I don't even want to get started on the whole issue of providing them with hosts. I felt like punching Martouf when Sam told me that he had suggested that she become a host for Selmac. She looked sick just telling me about it. And I don't like at all the effect the whole experience has had on her.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that she has feelings for that Tok'Ra guy. She assured me that she was handling it, but the way she looked at him made me really, really uncomfortable. Especially when she asked to stay behind with him to be with her father. I almost denied that request, but I think I would have had to manhandle her if I had, so I let her stay. And I'm honest enough to admit that I also let her stay because I have a hard time saying "no" to her, especially when she feels strongly about something.
Sam's Journal – Entry 17
I got my first SG-1 command! And I must say that I did a pretty good job. I was a little nervous at first, but I got over it pretty quick. I probably wouldn't have been nervous at all if it wasn't because Colonel O'Neill made it a point to remind me of it. I was leaving the infirmary when he called after me.
"Sam," he called me. I feel exposed when he calls me by my first name, as if he touched me intimately. And I struggle to conceal how much this affects me. I wish he stuck to "Carter"!
Then he tells me, "First command… Cool!" What was I supposed to say? I felt like a little girl being sent off to her first day of school. "You're a big girl now," Mom told me that first day. That's how I felt! So I just promised to do my best. And I did, despite the confrontation with Tonane's alien "spirits". But Colonel O'Neill, injured and all, was the one that still managed to save the day. He is our CO for a reason!
Jack's Journal – Entry 12
Something stinks up above! The guys that stole the weather device from PX7-941 came from somewhere with access to our program. That means they have the support from someone on top. And it confirms that the reporter was not killed by accident. He was silenced.
Now Hammond agrees with me and is concerned as well. He is looking into it, but I doubt that he'll be able to find anything. Something tells me that we'll find out more in an unexpected and very unpleasant way sometime soon.
Sam's Journal – Entry 18
Oh, my God! Today I almost lost it! And in front of Daniel and Teal'c! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Colonel O'Neill and I were sparring, like we often do in the mornings. Teal'c had just finished his session with him and was teaching Daniel some moves. The Colonel was trying to teach me a new maneuver, teasing me the whole time. He keeps telling me that, no matter how strong I am for a woman, I'm still a girl, and that I have to rely on wits and skill when fighting bigger and stronger opponents.
I did it all wrong, and I ended up flat on top of my CO, with my face an inch away from his. And I couldn't think! I couldn't breathe! I just stared at him, at his dark chocolate eyes, at his mouth, the way it parted in surprise. And I wanted soooo badly to taste it! OOOOH GOD!
Then Daniel cleared his throat, and asked if I was OK. I pushed away from my CO and landed on my back, making a big show of being winded, and closing my eyes to recover some control over my wild urges.
The Colonel leaned over me telling me to take deep, slow breaths, his concerned eyes and his mouth still too close for comfort. I assured him that I would be OK and that I just needed a minute. He gave me a funny look, but he let me be, and I picked up my butt from the mat and went to sit down with my head on my hands. I felt so exposed! I couldn't handle it, so I said I had had enough and I left.
Oh, crap! He's here!
OK. Everything is OK. He just wanted to make sure that I was not hurt. After I gave him a fake smile and assured him that I would practice with him again in the morning, he seemed satisfied and left.
I have to get over these feelings! I have to!
Jack's Journal – Entry 13
I almost kissed Carter today! I almost forgot about everything that says that it would be the worst thing I could ever do, and I almost did it anyway! Never mind that Teal'c and Daniel were watching. Never mind that she would have been horrified and would have probably kicked my butt. Never mind that I could be court martialed. I almost grabbed her blond head and pulled her down to finally taste those lips. She smelled so… delicious! But I was saved by the bell, in the form of a busy body of a friend. If it weren't because it would reveal to him how I feel for my 2IC, I would go over to Daniel's office and thank him.
We were practicing a new maneuver and she landed on me, hard. I'm just glad she was too far up to notice what her body on top of mine provoked. It brought back memories from the locker room, when she had tried to seduce me. I remembered how my body had responded to hers. Even though I had been shocked and surprised by her attack back then, I had wanted to give her what she was asking for. I had wanted to tear off that little tank top of hers and let my mouth loose on her breasts. I had wanted to bury myself in her and seek relief for too many months without a woman.
My brain and my lower body had battled for control then, just as they did this morning. She seemed shocked by our proximity and, for a moment, I thought she wanted to kiss me too. But she was just winded. The moment passed and she left, complaining that she was tired.
I was worried that I might have hurt her, so I stopped by her lab later. She was OK, furiously typing on her laptop, and she promised that she'd meet me at the gym the following morning. So I guess everything is fine and I haven't given away too much. Yet. Crap!
Daniel's Journal – Entry 39
We made contact with the Asgard! Well, Jack did. Thor's people are friendly, and way more advanced than we had imagined! I'm really excited about the possibilities, and Jack, for a change, really likes these aliens. I guess that's not so strange, given that they saved his life and complimented humanity. They said we were on our way to becoming the "Fifth Race".
The Asgard told Jack that the four races that allied millennia ago were the Asgard, the Ancients, the Furlings and the Nox. Now we've met two of them. But the Asgard would not share with Jack any further information about their allies. They don't think we are ready yet. That's OK. I'm optimistic that this will change.
We also have now hundreds of new gate addresses that the Goa'uld know nothing of, top notch DHD specs, and a load of information on the race that built the stargate system. Now we know who they were, and I have months of work ahead of me with their language alone.
Jack is still in the infirmary. Janet is making sure that he is OK, and no amount of whining and complaining will sway her. Sam was there when I left, and she couldn't stop smiling. I know that she is relieved, as we all are, that Jack is back to being himself, grumpiness and all. But I have to say that I do detect deeper feelings there.
We were all deeply concerned for Jack, but Sam was almost beside herself. She did an admirable job of concealing it, but now I'm watching her and she can't fool me. Janet and I exchanged a few glances during the past few days, and I know we were noticing the same thing. Feelings run deep between Jack and Sam.
I think even Teal'c has noticed, although he has said nothing. The other day, when we were working out in the gym, and Sam ended up sprawled on top of Jack, Teal'c raised his eyebrow in that particular way only he masters. I could swear that they had been about to kiss each other. They were frozen on the mat, Sam staring at Jack's face, and his hands were hovering over her body, as if he wanted to touch her but didn't dare to. I felt I had to help them, so I broke the spell. I asked her if she was OK, and they recovered and acted as if everything was fine, but I could well tell that they were both unnerved.
Later, during lunch, I asked Teal'c if he had noticed their behavior, hoping to get his opinion on Sam and Jack's relationship. His response surprised me and made me laugh. All my big friend said was, "Captain Carter's body on top of mine would have considerably disturbed me as well, Daniel Jackson." He would not comment any further, but I think he also suspects.
Jack's Journal – Entry 14
BINGO! We hit the jackpot! FINALLY!
The Asgard are what we've been looking for. I almost died in the process, but we made contact. Thank God for the little guys! I would have been a goner if they hadn't helped me.
They promised to stay in touch, and I believe them. It has been a tough, but very productive week. I even remember some Ancient! But I won't tell Danny Boy! I'll save that ace for later in the game.
He's very excited with our new knowledge of the Ancients. Carter is thrilled with the new gate addresses and the specs for the DHD. And they both act like I'm a genius or something. Of course I'm as dumb as before, now that the Asgard removed the Ancients' database from my poor, primitive brain. But now I understand how Carter feels sometimes, when we have a problem and we all look to her to solve it. Not an easy spot to be in.
Sam's Journal – Entry 19
We almost lost Colonel O'Neill again! This is getting so old! And he again demonstrated how brave and selfless he is! When we picked him up from the floor of the gate room, he was unconscious from a blow to the head. It seems he fell against the wall once the wormhole disengaged. Glass from the shattered window had rained down on him and cut him up pretty badly too. But it could have been worse, and I am grateful that he's OK.
I went home last night and cried. I'm still not sure why. Maybe it was just a way of relieving the stress of the day, or should I say, of the last two weeks. It was a very close call, and the whole planet could have been destroyed. Maybe I cried because we did lose valuable people to the damned black hole anyway. I grieve for them, especially for Henry Boyd. We had hit if off when he joined the program and had gotten to be pretty friendly with each other. The Colonel said it was because he was a nerd, like me, but I think it was because I precariously lived a happy home life through him. He was absolutely and madly in love with both his wife and his daughter. They will want to know what happened to him, and all they'll get is some crap about dying in the line of duty. It sucks!
I guess I was not only sad, but also frustrated! My Colonel was grieving. His friend, Colonel Cromwell, died. I know they were not in good terms, but I saw how his death affected my CO. He was hit hard, and I could feel his regret every time I looked into his eyes. I stayed with him in the infirmary until he woke up and saw me asleep in my chair. He ordered me home to get some rest, and I had to obey. I wanted so badly to be able to comfort him, to put my arms around him and let him lean his head on my shoulder. But I couldn't!
I think I also cried out of relief. Colonel O'Neill lives. He is still with us. And I can still get to be near him every day. I still can laugh at his jokes and roll my eyes at his denseness. I still can covertly admire his strong, beautiful body, and wonder in my fantasies how it would feel to touch him, and to make love to him.
GOD! I've got it bad! Some days I think that I have mastered my feelings and that I can go on relating to him as nothing but a respected and admired CO. Other days, like today, I realize I'm deluding myself.
Jack's Journal – Entry 15
Frank Cromwell died. And despite all those years full of resentment and the belief that this was a friendship that had ended long ago, I grieve for him and for his family. At one point in the past, he was as close to me as Teal'c and Daniel are now. And now he is dead, and there are no more chances.
I can't say that I forgave him for leaving me behind in Iraq. Those four months of hell are still too much a part of me to be able to do that. But I can honestly say that I understand why he did it. I only have to remember the face of Major Henry Boyd in the computer screen. He is someone that we have left behind. He and his team are still alive, but slowly dying. And there isn't anything we can do about it. I guess Cromwell felt that way about me.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 40
I almost died again. This is getting to be a habit. Not a good one, either. But thanks to my friends, I'm alive to tell the tale. Thanks to Sam, I was able to go back to my own body before it was too late. Yet another reason why I like her, besides being such a loving big sister.
It was the weirdest feeling! Being in someone else's body surely gives you a perspective of things. I'm definitely more sympathetic to old people after being one. The saying "Do not judge a man until you have walked in his moccasins" has a whole new meaning to me now.
I'm sorry that we lost Machello. I'm not even angry with him for doing what he did. I think the man was probably traumatized by persecution, torture, loss and loneliness. He deserved better than dying, after so many years of struggle, in an alien planet, with alien beings that could not understand him.
If he had been able to live, what a formidable ally he would have been! Now we only have his inventions to investigate, which already proved to be a dangerous endeavor.
Sam's Journal – Entry 20
We were able to get Daniel back, but it was close. Machello had decided to keep his young, beautiful body for good, and it was difficult to convince him of how wrong that was. Only the promise of a life of incarceration convinced him that it was not worth it. That, and I also think that Daniel managed to make him feel ashamed of himself.
I do feel sorry for the old man. He had a hard life. But I'm glad we have our Daniel back.
Jack's Journal – Entry 16
What a wild day! Never, in a million years, I would have thought that we'd have Apophis in our hands, at the SGC, begging for his life. But here he was, and doing just that!
It was a frustrating and aggravating experience, all in all. We didn't get any truly useful information from him, except to learn that there is an even worse Goa'uld out there than him, and that that snake is also out to get us.
To top it all, we got to see the Tok'Ra again. Their arrogance and contempt for us is just as bad as the Goa'uld's. Lantash is not one of my favorite snake/people, and I have to admit that Martouf, even though more likeable, bugs me as well. Granted, I know it is because of Carter. But the bottom line is that I don't like him and I wish we didn't have to deal with him. They think they can tell us what to do, here in our own turf! Well, they found out differently.
I have to admit that I felt sorry for Apophis' host, as much as I wanted to just shoot the bastard. It was difficult not to feel pity, watching the poor guy wake up from a thousand-year nightmare. Daniel was amazing dealing with him. It is humbling to see the depths of my young friend's compassion. Of all people, he would have been the one I expected to want to torture the guy. But he was as gentle as a mother in dealing with him.
The only bright moment of the day was watching the Tok'Ra get the hell out of the SGC, although that moment was ruined by having to see Sam have a last intimate talk with Martouf. The guy even held her hand for a moment, but she pulled away, to my immense satisfaction. I wonder what the hell they were talking about!
Sam's Journal – Entry 21
Apophis is gone, handed back to Sokar. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. Although the Goa'uld deserves anything Sokar will dish out, the host is still an innocent victim. It was just weird to hear Apophis one minute threaten me with life as Sokar's new queen, and then later see the same face grimace in helpless sorrow, calling out to a long dead wife and children. It was an unsettling experience for all of us, including the normally stoic Teal'c.
I saw a side of him I had not seen before. The normally dead panned face was smiling in gloating and satisfaction today at Apophis' downfall. And he was more than willing to torture the already crippled body in the infirmary. I must admit that he scared me. But at the end, he also showed pity for the dead husk of his former god.
Seeing Martouf again was also unsettling. Part of me was thrilled at seeing him again. But most of me was intensely uncomfortable with his longing looks. He reminded me of Lieutenant Simmons. And when I was explaining to him how to use the GDO, he made it a point to hold my hand. And again, part of me felt the urge to pull him into my arms, while the rest of me recoiled at the foreign impulse. Especially when I knew that Colonel O'Neill was watching us from above. I could feel his eyes drilling holes in our backs. I was really glad when he finally left.
Daniel's Journal – Entry 41
I again had an opportunity to find out where Sha're is, and I was unable to take the smallest step towards getting her back! Apophis just taunted me with his love for Amaunet, and refused to give me what I needed. For the first time in my life, I felt the urge to kill someone in cold blood. When I threatened to kill him, I really meant it. It was a fleeting feeling, but my hate for him was as real as my love for my wife.
That is why, when the host resurfaced, and I was filled with pity for the poor man, I felt like a vindictive bastard. It made me feel ashamed of myself, and I tried to soothe the poor soul the best I could.
Now Apophis is back in Sokar's hands to continue to be tortured and abused by an even more evil being than him. I guess he deserves his fate, but I can't help but remember the tormented eyes of the poor scribe whose worst sin was to be noticed by a malevolent being thousands of years ago.
Jack's Journal – Entry 17
Charlie is gone now, and I have to say that it hurts more than I had imagined it would. I don't know how it is possible to get so attached to someone in such a short time. I guess now I understand Sam's actions when Cassandra came to us. Back then, I had been angry with her for risking her life to stay with a little girl we barely knew. Now I know how she felt. I would have put my life on the line for Charlie as well.
I guess it has to do with my son. This little boy reached inside my heart and found a room that had been abandoned and untouched for years. Not even Cassie had managed to unlock it. But the moment he asked me if he could be called Charlie, he opened that locked door and walked right in. Finding out that he was going to die felt… I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't like watching my son die in my arms, but it was devastating in its own way. At that moment, I was angry beyond words with the Reeto for creating Charlie and putting him in that position. Even though they had done it to help us.
It was hard to say goodbye. I know letting him go with the Tok'Ra was his only chance of survival. But he wanted to stay with me, and I wanted him to stay as well, even though I can't be a father right now.
No. I can't be a good father, or a husband, or be in a committed relationship. Heck! I can't even have a dog! I have too much to do, and until it is done, I can't think of my personal needs. All I can have right now is hopeless dreams that include a particular brainy blonde, and the hope that someday I can have again what I lost. Even if it isn't with Samantha Carter.
Sam's Journal – Entry 22
We all feel sad. We feel sad for Charlie, who was heartbroken at having to leave Colonel O'Neill. We are sad for the Colonel as well. We all could tell how attached he became to the little alien boy, and how worried he was about him. But I guess I'm most sad because I realized today how much he misses having a family. And that probably means he still misses his wife, Sarah.
He must have been a wonderful father! I had already seen how good he was with Cassie. But now I can see that he is good with all children. He likes them, and they like him right back. They can tell that he understands them. You can almost see him become a child when he speaks to them, right at their level, with all the fun, wonder, and innocence that he is capable of.
He was very quiet after Charlie left. He went straight to his locker, changed, and left. I'm ashamed to admit that I followed him… out of concern, of course! I watched him as he stopped at a gas station and filled up his gas tank. The whole time he was there, he leaned against his truck with his head down, hardly moving a muscle. And I could tell that he was remembering, and suffering.
I wanted so much to be able to comfort him! But that is not my place. I can only offer my support as a friend if he asks. And he won't ask.
I followed him all the way home. I was afraid that he would go… somewhere else, a bar, or… Ok. I admit it. I wanted to know if he had a shoulder somewhere that he went to cry on. For all we know, he has a string of lovers that keep him company when we are not around. An attractive, energetic man like him probably does. I have always wondered.
Well, he may have lovers, but at least not one in particular he seeks out when he is down. And that is a relief. After all, we are the closest thing to a family he has, and if he needs moral support, we are here for him.
On a brighter note, it was nice to see Dad again. I had missed him, for the first time in my life! It had been a while since he had left, and we hadn't heard from the Tok'Ra since. He looks wonderful, and seems happy. It is kind of weird, but cool to be working with Dad. We have a better relationship now. It seems Selmak has been a good influence. Thank you, Selmak!
Jack's Journal – Entry 18
I owe General Hammond $539.50. I'm writing a check as soon as I get home. I'm not letting him have one more dime on interest!
That was the most fun I've ever had on a mission! Even so, I'm very grateful to have Captain Samantha Carter in my team, or I would be in my seventies right now! I was a little worried about getting stuck back in 1969. As good a year as that was (I remember finally getting into Sophie Winston's pants that year), we needed to be here, fighting the Goa'uld, and not philosophizing about life's meaning along with the rest of the hippies.
Wow! Now that I think about Sophie, I realize what a precocious kid I was. I was eighteen, and she wasn't my first girl by far! Daniel was less than five years old in 1969, and Carter was… Jeeeze! She was barely three! Now I REALLY feel like a pervert! OOOK! Not a good train of thought!
It was fun to yank "Bob The Interrogator's" chain. Talk about clichés! Especially the smoke-filled room! Teal'c almost laughed out loud when he found out I had told them that my name was Luke Skywalker. He had just watched Star Wars for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he loved it!
Young Lieutenant Hammond was quite a revelation. It had never occurred to me that General Hammond had known about us for years. He admitted, within the confines of his office, that he had been tracking my career from the very beginning. He had been tracking Carter's too, and from a much closer perspective. He befriended Jacob Carter the moment he found out that his colleague was the father of Samantha Carter, a very beautiful and very bright aspiring cadet. He had recognized her immediately from a picture the proud father had produced. He had also made it his business to read everything young Dr. Daniel Jackson had ever written.
But Hammond is now worried. He admitted to me that he had, to this point, always believed that we would come back from our missions in one piece, no matter how dangerous. And that belief stemmed from the fact that we had not gone back to 1969 yet. Now we have come full circle, and all bets are off.
Sam's Journal – Entry 23
We went back in time! We actually went to our own past, and it was the most fantastic experience, aside from traveling through the stargate, that I could have imagined. I also got a lot of kudos from my command for figuring out how to come back, and I'm getting yet another commendation in my file. Colonel O'Neill even said that I deserved a medal, but he joked that there were none for this kind of situation. I suggested that he promote me instead, and he just smiled and made a funny face. I think he would do it if it was only up to him!
Although I was worried I would step on a bug and change the future, I really enjoyed our mission. It was fun to see Teal'c with hair, Daniel dressed like a preppy college student, and Colonel O'Neill looking like a biker. When I picked out his outfit and gave it to him, he just smiled at me and nodded. I never, in a million years, thought he would actually wear it, but he did. And I suspect he did it just to please me. That was sweet.
It was almost tempting to make a call to a then Lieutenant Carter in Germany and tease him with information only his daughter could know. Of course, I would have never done something like that, and the thought of maybe Mom picking up the phone made me forget about such notions right away.
I'm very glad that we could come back. Although I did wonder what it would have been like to stay in 1969 and try to make a life for us. I know what my first objective would have been. After all, Colonel Jack O'Neill and Captain Samantha Carter would not have existed. We would have been just Jack and Sam.
I can still dream. What would we have done if we had stayed? What would a life with Jack O'Neill be like? The part of me that is more woman than soldier yearns for a life like that. One that would include a grumpy but very sexy Jack O'Neill, and a few kids we could love and spoil rotten!
The End
Story Notes: Spoilers: All Episodes of Season Two
Author's Note: This is a sequel to my first piece of the series,
Journals – Season 1.
Author's Note: This is a sequel to my first piece of the series,
Journals – Season 1.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]