Once upon a time there was a fish...a mammal...whatever you want to call it.
** Hi there, my name is Jack and I'm- **
Shut up, Jack. I'm not finished talking.
** S-sorry. **
That's better. Anyway as I was saying there was this "animal" which also happened to be a shark.
** Dum-dum. Dum-dum. Dum-dum...-dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum... **
Jack! You are spoiling the surprise!
** But- **
No but's.
** Grumble, grumble, grumble. **
I heard that.
** What? **
Don't play coy with me. You know I heard you.
** No you didn't. **
Yes I did.
** No. **
Yes.
** Uh-uh. **
Uh-huh. Wait a moment! I refuse to get into a childish argument with you. Anyway as I was saying there was this shark, which loved going by another name...JAWS.
** Drum-drum...drum-drum- **
I thought that was supposed to be, "Dum-dum?"
** Who's singing the tune for Jaws, you or me? **
But, we have to be accurate. American law demands it.
** Shut up narrator or I'll come and...I come and...well I do something to you. **
Ooh, I'm so scared. (P.S. to all you people out there that was said in utter sarcasm).
** Well, you better be. Snap, snap! Heard that? It is the sound of my jaws snapping in anticipation of your juicy flesh decorating my huge, scary teeth. **
They are kinda very big and...ouch...I was just touching one and it pierced my little finger. Sniff, sniff. I want my mommy!
** That's better. I'm going to try my world-renowned tune again. **
Okay, you're the boss. Sniff, sniff (blow-out nose).
** Dum-dum. Dum-dum. Dum-dum...dum-dum...dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Cough, Cough, cough. Crap, didn't realize it was so hard. Anyway, back to you narrator. **
Thanks, Sir. One day Jack a.k.a Jaws was swimming in the sea, minding his own business-
** Minding my own business... **
When all of a sudden his keen hunting instincts become active as he sensed the presence of a potential prey nearby.
-- Help! Help! Oh, is there anyone out there that can help me? --
W-who's that?
-- It's me. The potential prey, doing my prey thing in the water. --
I can see you now. What were you saying...doing your prey thing? Never heard of such a thing.
-- Your stupid...stupid man. You know the whole kicking the water, shouting at the top of my lungs, playing I'm-a-dumb-blonde routine. --
Oh...that routine. Fine...you may go ahead and continue playing the prey.
** Excuse me children, but I'm still here. **
Sorry, Sir!
-- Sorry, potential deadly killer! --
** Just continue the stupid story, before the last reader decides to press the Back button. **
Yes, Boss.
** And stop calling me boss.**
Yes, Sir.
** Oh, for crying out loud! Will you just talk, man. **
As Jaws got closer to inspect the thing in the water, he realized that it was indeed a human woman doing her prey thing.
** Njam-njam. I think I'm going to have a human in my tummy soon. **
He opened his huge jaws...sunlight reflecting off his beautiful white teeth, when-
** Shucks. You really think I have beautiful teeth? **
What? Oh, yes...of course...definitely (to the audience out there -was just sucking up to him, don't want to be eaten, ya know.)
** Thanks man. **
My pleasure.
-- You guys want to be left alone? You know I can...well...do that. Have a lot of work to do...one of them being saving the universe from a boring season 9. --
Fine...fine. Just keep your panties on.
-- I'm not wearing any. --
What!! Let me see...let me see.
-- I'm wearing a bikini. --
Oh, and just when I was getting excited. Well, as I was saying, Jaws had just opened his jaws around his unsuspected victim, when all of a sudden...a boat suddenly arrived on the horizon and a bearded man shouted, "Stop, Stop."
Confused, Jaws turned his head and thought by himself, "What now?"
** If you are trying to safe the woman from a certain, horrible death, you can forget it. She's mine and just so you know I've watched all the Jaws movies...1, 2, 3 and all the B-grated sequels/clones. Therefore there's no way you'll be able to kill me in any of the movie cliché methods. Hahahahahahahahaha. **
Shaking his head, the man replied, "No. For all I care you can rip the woman in pieces in front of me."
** Then what is it, man? I'm hungry. **
To prove his point, a big growling noise was heard from the direction of his stomach.
"Well, uh...Mr Jaws, Sir. You see the problem is that in accordance to American Law you have just broken Mr Steven Spielberg's patent on the name, 'Jaws'. As such I have to ask you to...well...stop existing." The man was clearly nervous, but he was just a lawyer for Mr Spielberg and as such just doing his lousy job.
Frowning, Jaws turned his head from lawyer, to potential prey, to narrator and back.
** Ya sure 'bout that? **
Miraculously a piece of official looking, legal-mumble-jumble document appeared in the lawyer's hand. "Have the paperwork to prove it. You want to view it?"
** Can't read, man. I'm a shark, Jaws after all. **
"And that's just where the problem lays, Sir."
Sighing in resignation, Jack-Jaws appeared to be deep in thought before finally saying...
** Fine. Whatever. **
And with the snap of two fingers he turned into...got married too...had 2.5 children with...
Well, now...I'm not allowed to tell you that, since Stargate belongs to those-whose-names-won't-be-mentioned that are making a mess of what used to be a brilliant story.
END
Story Notes: Season: Season 9
Spoilers: Only spoilers for the movie, Jaws, haha
Author's Note: Thought I'll try my hand at writing the weird Stargate fanfiction ever.
Spoilers: Only spoilers for the movie, Jaws, haha
Author's Note: Thought I'll try my hand at writing the weird Stargate fanfiction ever.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]