He used to be a man in his fifties, a man beyond his prime years.
He used to be an experienced Air Force Officer.
He used to be a lot of things.
Now…well now he was only a hormonally driven teenager, and his worst nightmares were acne, bad hair days and the fact that the hottest girl at his high school considered him a geek.
Crap.
Life really sucked in a major way.
On the other hand there was at least one highlight in his otherwise dreary existence. The notion that never in his life would he need to experience the absolute horror of being forced to get a big, no HUGE, needle pumped into his…ah…let us just say the place where the sun doesn't normally shine.
Or that was what he had tried to convince himself until one particular day.
You see he had kinda missed his former life's friends; not surprising when you only have kids years younger to keep you company. Earlier on that day he just so happened to pass by the SGC base, his former employer, with his bicycle and thought to himself, "Won't it be funny if I just pop in there and surprise all of them with my ugly mug."
Well, one thing let to another and before he knew it all hell broke loose.
What is this 'hell' you might ask?
It was the worst kind you could imagine.
Poor Jack O'Neill Junior (the younger cloned version of the original one by the way) had barely taken a few steps into the mountain complex when low and behold an alien parasitic virus decided to play peek-a-boo,-I-see-you. That twisted thing called destiny really knew how to twist his guts into a knot.
Anyway to cut a long story short…before he knew it the whole place - and that included every last nook and cranny - was put under quarantine. Then, to make matters even worse, the local resident doctors were clever enough to find a cure, which just happened to entail having some alien goo pumped into the place that many a woman has admired of him.
WHAT?
Was a guy not allowed to admire his bare…uh…that was his best assets now and again?
Okay, okay, time to get back to the story…
Everything went downhill from there, and before you could say, 'I'm still madly-sadly in love with Samantha Carter' he found himself in a queue – and an incredibly long one at that - waiting to be the next victim to suffer the torture of those nasty needles that the infirmary staff loved so much.
The queue snaked from the infirmary, through the double doors and down the corridor. That would happen when every last man (and don't forget those beautiful women) were ordered to go undergo the most horrific of treatments. To make matters even worse he couldn't believe that it was his older, not so handsome, self that ordered this.
Talk about the ironies of life…jeesh.
Sighing for the ten-millionth time that day Jack Junior lifted his gaze from the interesting patterns criss-crossing the floor to stare at the commotion around him. He was obviously not the only one with an intense hatred of those torture devices, supposedly called needles.
Maybe that was the reason why two big burly `gorillas' were now stationed at each of the corridor exits, their fingers just itching to pull the triggers of the zats clutched securely in their huge paws.
On the other hand if he really, really wanted to be honest with himself he was partially to blame for the current state of affairs. You see he kinda tried to escape a couple of times too many. Being an ex-officer of various talents and in a dire need of an escape route he had to make do with his limited manly strength. His only way to get around the guards, those that dared to stand in his way to freedom, was to use the only method that was available to him.
What was the method you might ask?
It was actually quite simple.
Punch them in the second place where the sun never got to shine, except that this place just got to hurt a heck of a lot more.
The end-result was not pretty. Hence the current black eye he was spotting and his own personal guard that towered threateningly over him barely a foot away.
Yes, life definitely sucked big time.
Sighing once more Jack rubbed at his sore eye, sulking at his terrible fate. The sight of airmen stumbling out of the infirmary ash-white with just the promise of a tear at the corner of their eyes made him cringe in response, there was no doubt that the needle is going to hurt…big time.
"Think Jack. Think," he murmured under his breath. After a little while of the most intense thinking he had ever done in his whole life he hit his forehead in defeat and groaned softly, "Ah for crying out loud. Surely there should be a way to get out of this misery."
And then it hit him.
There was a way.
Something a friend of a friend had told him one day at school.
"If you are scared of a specific pain sensation, just replace it with another different type of pain in order to cancel out the effect."
Yep, it was going to be very easy from here on.
All he needed was to land in the infirmary in a semi-coma state and no more having to experience the horror of a needle piercing his delicate teenage skin. In fact now that he thought about it…anything was better than having something invading that part of his body.
Right, now to find a way to implement his brilliant plan.
A mischievous smile started formed across Jack Junior's face as he observed his environment for a potential scapegoat. After a few minutes of sizing up one after another candidate his dark brown eyes finally came to a rest upon the rigid backside of a tall warrior…a member of SG-1…a Jaffa going by the name of Teal'c.
"Yes!" Jack exclaimed excitingly. He had no doubt that his carefully thought-out plan would succeed.
Turning around to his guard he inquired in the most neutral tone of voice he was able to master, "Hi buddy. You mind if I go over there -" to put emphasise on his question he pointed a finger over his shoulder, "and go visit my good ol' pal Teal'c."
His guard barely twist a muscle in his face as he replied, "Yeah…sure…but make it quick. Remember I'll be watching you…closely all right?"
"Yeah whatever," Jack commented impatiently before making his way over to where Teal'c stood.
`Right Jack, it's now or never,' he thought to himself, half-scared and yet feeling the adrenalin pumping through his veins at the same time.
Stretching out a hand he padded Teal'c on his shoulder to get his attention and then said, "Excuse me…Ms?"
The Jaffa Warrior turned around with a placate smile on his face. He nodded his head in acknowledgement before replying, "O'Neill. You are gravely mistaken. I believe the correct English term for a male should be –"
He never got to finish the sentence.
Standing on his toes, reaching out his hands Jack grabbed hold of both of Teal'c's cheeks and begun shaking them in the way an annoying aunt would do with a small child.
Pouting his lips in what he hoped was a perfect example of what a woman might do he started spouting out baby gibberish, "Booka-booka. Booka-booka-booka."
Teal'c's eyes grew wider and wider in shock. He tried to interfere by saying, "O'Neill you must desist this immediately." Unfortunately it came out more like, "Un-dress-me-immediately."
The teenage cocked his head to sideways. "What is that? You want me to undress you? Oh! I never knew you were into that. No wait! Now I get it…you want me to continue this. Sure buddy, whatever pleases you."
With that he proceeded with the manhandling of the poor proud Jaffa warrior's skin, "Booka-booka-booka. Booka-booka-booka."
He took a deep breath and was just about to repeat the sentence when it happened, lightening fast.
He never saw it coming.
One moment he was still standing on his feet and the next he was laying flat on his back, little Asgard ballerinas dancing around his head and one furious looking Jaffa staring down at him, only being held back by the brute force of a few dozen airmen.
"Ouch!" Jack groaned out loud, palming his face to try and determine the scope of his injuries. When it didn't appear as if anybody was paying him attention he continued on a bit more loudly, "I said…O-ouch-h!"
Another face, looking a bit more concerned, suddenly entered his viewing field. "Are you alright?" the blond-haired goddess inquired from him.
"Carter," he could not help but to smile slightly between the involuntary tears of pain running down his face. "I think I'm dying here," then a bit more hopeful he added, "maybe I should be hospitalised?"
She nodded her head, appeared to consider it for a while and then asked, "Where do you hurt?"
This was going better than what he thought, except for the excruciating pain burning across his face. Man, that Teal'c sure knew how to give it good.
Realising that the woman of his dreams were still bent over him (a position he had dreamed of many a times) and waiting for his answer he answered quickly, "Uh…all over?"
Was that the right answer to give?
A half-moon smile formed across Sam's face. Reaching out a hand she helped, actually more forced, him into an upright position. "You'll live," was her only remark.
Okay, it was definitely not going the way he had planned, time for quick improvising.
"How do you know?" he asked indignantly while continuing rubbing the side of his injury.
Her hands went to her sides and one of her eyebrows cocked in a half- mocking gesture, "Well, firstly…Jack. I've known you for over eight years. If you still have time to make jokes it can't be that serious."
Right, she got him there.
"What's the second one," he asked and then realising she called him by his name he added, "Hey, that will be Colonel or General or something to you."
Shaking her head, but still smiling, she stared at him for a while before saying, "O-k-ay. Secondly…I can already see the start of a nice bruise forming underneath your former healthy eye and knowing Teal'c the way I do he wouldn't have hit you hard enough to land in the infirmary or hospital…and…" she grin mischievously before concluding, "there was no way he would allow you to miss getting your injection."
Do'h. She had him and big time.
It was time to implement the plan B that had already started forming at the back of his mind.
Sam's next few words disappeared into the background as he started formulating his next idea. Only now and again he heard words like, "You better stay here with me until the end…I couldn't believe you tried that with Teal'c…It is unbelievable that you of all people are so scared of getting a little injection."
Little? Little!
The woman had no idea what she was talking about. She was SO going to pay for her ignorant words, it was time to try out those acting skills he acquired in High School.
Sam was still chatting on when he suddenly interrupted her with a very loud, "STALKER!"
It was like an invisible hand had suddenly slapped her across the face. "Excuse me," she nearly whispered, her eyes darting across the room to try and see whether anybody was staring at them.
For a moment Junior Jack felt pity for her, but being a teenager it only lasted a moment. He was enjoying this way too much.
Putting a sob into his voice he continued on, making sure he was loud enough for the whole world to hear, "I've told you time and time again I just ain't interested. Please…just stop stalking me."
When he was sure that everybody's attention was on him he put a hand over his mouth, pointed a finger at a red-faced Sam and said accusingly, "Stalker."
Oh yeah, she was mad at him…and was actually started to approach him in a very, very threatening manner. So not good, time to forget about the rest of plan B and disappear from her sight.
With a last taunt, "Stalker!" directed at Sam he hurried off to the back of the waiting line.
Right, so plan B was kinda stupid. Did he really believe that the Powers to Be would get the Social Welfare people to come and remove him from the clutches of a potential pervert. With his luck they would make him first get the injection and then tell him to get the hell out of there. Also there was no way he could really hurt Sam in that manner. After all what would you call the many nights when he…uh…cough, cough…stood outside of her bedroom window and…never mind.
Time to think of a plan C and quick.
To Jack's horror he realised that the line was actually getting smaller and at an alarming rate at that.
Scratching the back of his head, he still found it unnatural to be allowed to have so much hair, he only needed to think for a few minutes when it hit him. Surely…no definitely…if he was declared mentally unstable…completely mad…beyond help they would lock him away and he would get to miss the pain of a nurse hurting him in such a humiliating way.
After all it would be an ideal place to hide away from Carter and Teal'c. Lifting his gaze from the floor he couldn't help but to notice their angry faces scrutinising him. Yes, he so definitely needed to hide away and quick and if push comes to shove he could always become `normal' again after a few weeks of calm relaxation.
Yep, this place of his had no chance of failure.
Turning around Jack noticed that his guard's attention was diverted to the sight of a pretty Air Force Captain that had just walked by; there would never be a better time than now to implement his madness.
Stepping out of the queue Jack whistled hard and loud to get all the assembled people's attention for the second time that day.
When he finally sensed that everybody was observing him in anxious anticipation of his next move, he lifted his arms high above his head and started shaking them.
"Hey guys," he shouted. "Time to shake it like a Polaroid Picture and do the Mexican Wave! Think any of you chickens are able to do it."
The last words had barely left his mouth when he suddenly started running up and down the queue, screaming, "Do the Mexican Wave, do the Mexican Wave," as he went along.
Then it happened. It was horrible, absolutely horrible.
To Jack's intense shock and surprise one after another of the assembled personnel actually starting following his example and before he knew it all of SGC was doing a perfect interpretation of the Mexican Wave.
Up and down. Up and down. Up and down the arms went. Even Sam and Teal'c had begun participating. To add to his horror some people actually started to cheer him on as he continued running along the queue and he was ACTUALLY starting to enjoy all the attention he was getting.
But…
What was this?
There was at least one person that was shaking his head, not the least interested in joining the fun.
Jackson, Daniel Jackson. International man of mystery.
Stopping at Daniel's side, completely out of breath, Jack waved his arms up and down while saying, "Ah come on Danny-boy. It's the wave. The Mexican wave, join the fun space-monkey."
Nothing.
The man was just shaking his head. "Not now, not later, not tomorrow, not ever Jack. I can't believe the fool you've made of yourself today."
"I see," Jack commented. In fact he was started to see another plan forming in what he now considered to be his very own brilliant mind.
There was only one last option left to him.
It was the only way and he was willing to give it a try. Anything to escape getting one of those needles pointed his way.
"Oh Daniel," he asked in his most innocent voice, "I need to ask you something scientifically if you aren't too mad at me."
Sighing Daniel turned around and asked, "What is it Jack?"
"Oh nothing really much." Jack took a small step forward; his hands were slowly moving in the direction of the Archaeologist.
"Well?" Daniel asked when it didn't appear if he was going to a get a reply any time that century. And why was the kid suddenly looking so strange, almost like…
Doctor Jackson never got to complete his chain of thought.
Before he knew it two pair of teenager arms was suddenly pushing against him with force and as his arms started flying in all direction in an attempt to halt his greeting with Mother Earth he could hear the Jack clone saying, "I was just wondering if one could play dominoes with people…that's all."
Daniel didn't have time to answer the question; he was struggling too much to prevent himself from falling.
Unfortunately there was going to be no luck for him that day.
With one last, "Oomph," his body reeled forward and connected with that of an Air Force Officer in front of him. The Air Force Officer, caught unaware, immediately flew into the person in front of him and before long it was like the effect a small stone would have on a pool of water.
In front of Jack's eyes, to his utter amazement, he could actually see human dominoes being played out. At first slow but it grew bigger and bigger by the moment until it finally came to an end with the guy that was right at the front of the queue. The only problem was that in an attempt to salvage his dignity the woman just behind that man had grabbed hold of the closest thing available to her, the front-guy's pants. The sound of clothing being torn broke through all the other noise.
Crap. Double crap. Triple crap.
It was his older, no-fun version and he looked pissed. No wonder since he was standing there in front of everybody with his pants laying torn around his ankles.
He gave his younger self just one look and yelled, "Airmen. Arrest that kid and put him in the deepest darkest lockup that we have."
***
So the time passed slowly, excruciating slowly without him ever seeing anybody but the one bringing his food tray.
Not that he was worried or concerned.
No Sir-ee. It was after all something that he expected if his last plan were to succeed.
You see it had succeeded. With him being locked away, and forgotten, there was no chance of him getting that dreaded injection.
Or was there?
Jack Junior was sitting with his back against the wall, tracing imaginary patterns on the ground in front of him. He was an experienced black-ops officer, okay ex but…who's counting and a little bit of darkness and quiet was no trouble to him at all.
There was that little thing of him having alienated all his former life's friends…oh an that very minor detail of Daniel being in the infirmary with a piece of glass stuck up his nose, but he got to avoid the needle sessions and that was more than enough for him.
As if fate decided to answer his question the lock to his door suddenly started to rattle and before long a faded light beam entered his cell.
"What now?" Jack groaned, holding up a hand to protect his eyes against the sudden invasion of light.
It was his worst nightmare.
One…no two…no three of his so-called `gorillas' entered his space, their hands not far away from the zats hanging from their belts. Immediately after them two of the infirmary doctors, big men themselves, followed and not far from them was his older version, the original Jack O'Neill.
"What's this," Junior Jack asking. Oh boy, he had a good idea what was coming but still needed to ask.
His older self looked him up and down in silent contemplation before replying, "You were good, very good but you forgot one thing."
"And what is that?"
Jack Senior allowed a small smile to tug at the corner of his lips. "I'm better. You see all of those little stunts you tried out there…well we…I mean I have tried them out at least once in my life. And some of them were even on this very same base."
"So what now?" the teenager asked hesitantly, he didn't really want to know the answer but had no choice.
His original version nodded in the direction of the doctors and then said, "It's simple my dear Jack. You are going to get this injection, one way or another."
TE
Those needles by NG1
Story Notes: E-Mail: ngeldenhuys@wol.co.za
Category: Humour
Pairings: Depends on how you look at it
Spoilers: Season 7 onwards
Season: Future Season
Content Warnings: None really
Archive: SJD Yes, all others just ask me first
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to my one and wonderful beta, Mara Jade.
Category: Humour
Pairings: Depends on how you look at it
Spoilers: Season 7 onwards
Season: Future Season
Content Warnings: None really
Archive: SJD Yes, all others just ask me first
Author's Note: This story is dedicated to my one and wonderful beta, Mara Jade.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]