I can't sleep, everything I ever knew
Is a lie without you
I can't breath, when my heart is
broke in two
There's no beat without you
efefef
Sam splashed the cold water onto her face. Grabbing the towel she furiously scrubbed the water away and then studied her reflection in the mirror.
Two large blue eyes ringed with with tiredness stared back at her. Despite the healthy red glow her cheeks were emanating from the rough towel drying they're received, it was obvious she was too pale. Patches where the red was started to fade and the tingling sensation lessening were already going a pale, milky white colour.
Glaring at her reflection, Sam hung the towel up and padded back to her room - the room in Jack's house house she was sharing with Cassie. It came out of left field, hitting straight for a home run towards the bathroom where she successfully scored a hole in one with the great white porcelain god.
Groaning she straightened herself and once again followed the procedure of rinsing her mouth out, scrubbing her face with her hands and then rubbing it dry roughly with a towel.
"Sam, are you okay?" Cassie's voice sounded slightly worried.
"Fine Cassie, I think I've just caught a tummy bug or something." Sam managed a smile as her stomach roiled again. "Would you get me a cup of tea, no sugar or milk please?" She gasped, clutching at her mouth as her stomach settled again.
"Do you want me to get Jack?"
"No honey, just the tea. I'll be fine, honest." She smiled tightly again and leant against the door frame.
"Okay." Cassie studied her and then jogged off to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
"Damn." Sam cursed, pushing herself towards her bedroom. Damn damn damn damn damn. "Not good." She muttered, digging around in the back of her cupboard - the back of the cupboard in Jack's spareroom that she was sharing with Cassie.
"Sam, you okay?" Jack's voice startled her.
"Huh?" She blinked, guilty.
"Are you okay? Cassie said you weren't feeling well." He added, studying her determinedly.
She managed another small smile for him.
"Fine. I think too much beer is the cause of this." She added lightly.
"I told you to only have one." He frowned, reaching over and feeling her forehead. "Lie down for a while, Cassie'll bring your tea up, okay?" His eyes were so concerned. It was so sweet.
"Sure. Thanks." She shoved the small packet back in her cupboard - the cupboard in Jack's house - hastily and then climbed back into bed under his watchful eye.
"Stay there until I say, okay?" He checked before leaving.
"Damn." Sam cursed, glaring at his back as he left.
* * *
"No." She warned herself, forcing herself to continue staring at the bathroom mirror. "Don't you dare look down, don't you dare look at it. Don't!" She could feel her resolve fading, her eyes straining to just have a peak downwards.
"No!" She lifted her head higher, denying her eyes the view they seeked. "Oh damn. Not good. Really not good!" She panicked. Catching sight of her face in the mirror she slumped. "I told you not to look." She snapped at her reflection. Another sigh. "Houston, we have a problem."
* * *
Sam paced around the room. Okay. So this changed things. This really really really changed things. Oh damn.
"Sam?" Charlie's voice sounded curious.
"Huh?"
"What are you doing?" He asked,watching as she stopped walking in circles and turned to look at him with completely confused eyes.
"What are you doing?" he asked her again.
"What am I doing?" She looked around the room blankly, thinking about the answer. "Thinking."
"About?"
"Uh...nothing really." She lied, smiling brightly.
"Are you feeling better now."
"Yes." NO!
"Good. Dad wants to go to the park. You going to come?
NO! "Sure."
Oh Damn. Houston, we need some help out here.
* * *
'Uh Jack, I have something to tell you...' No, that wouldn't work.
'Jack, I'm...' Oh no, nothing like that.
'Jack...do you remember...' Oh boy, she remembered that. Boy, did she ever remember that. Damn. 'How do I tell him?'
"Sam, you okay there?" Jack's face popped into her vision.
She jerked upright, spilling her cordial all over herself.
"Sam?"
"Fine. Just startled me." She smiled tightly and gave a strangled laugh.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He narrowed his eyes. She was soo....jumpy.
"Me? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." She placed her empty glass carefully on the grass, smoothing the green blades down so that she had an even surface.
"You're pregnant."
Her eyes flew up guiltily and met his. Oh damn. Houston, do you remember me? I had a little problem. Big problem now.
"Uh..."
"Uh..." He licked his lips and studied her. "Now what?"
"We play happy families." Sam reminded him, grinning suddenly as Charlie and Cassie appeared in view.
"What do we do?"
"I don't know about you, but I'm not going to get rid of him." Sam said firmly.
"So it's mine?"
"Of course."
"How do you know it's a him?"
"How did you know I was pregnant?" Sam responded, realising he'd guessed somehow.
"You're throwing up in the mornings, incredilby tense and fidgety and you had this dreamy look in your eye a second ago when you were smoothing the grass out." He listed.
"Oh." Sam studied him discreetly out of the corner of her vision. A dreamy look in her eye? "So what do you want to do?"
"What do mean me?" His eyes were openly questioning her.
"Well...do you want to be a part of his life or not?"
"Sam..." Jack reached over and took a hold of her hand. She glanced down at it, noticing how his darker, more calloused hand just seemed to envelope hers. He looked down at the object of her scrutiny and seemed to realise he had no right to hold her hand. Reluctantly her let go and sat up straighter. "Sam...Why are you even asking me that question?" he whispered, hurt in his eyes.
Sam looked across the park, watching as Cassie and Charlie waved to her and Jack.
"Sam...you know how much I love Charlie." He shook his head slightly, as if to shake some reason into it.
She looked at him. Yes. She did know how much she loved Charlie. She knew the extrodinary lengths the man was willing to go to just so that his son was happy and safe. Why had she asked that question? Because she was Sam, not Sara.
"I just had to be sure." She told him, smiling slightly.
"Of what?"
"Of you. Circumstances are a bit different..."
"You mean because we're not married? Sam, would you marry me?" He asked promptly grinning at her.
"Jack!" She nearly jumped off the blanket in surprise.
"What?"
"You don't just ask a question like that off the top of your head. You're supposed to think these things through, make sure that you know what you're doing..."
"Are you implying that I don't know what I'm doing?" Jack asked. "Don't answer that!"
"Jack, this isn't something to joke about."
"Sam...think about it. It's a good idea. That way Cassie and Charlie have stability in their lives...two parents who both love them, and then this little guy will also have that." Jack nodded towards her stomach with his head.
"But..."
"But what? It's a good idea." Jack frowned, confused.
"We're supposed to love each other if we get married." Sam reminded him.
"Well...we don't *hate* each other. Not anymore at least. We could work on it I suppose..." He trailed off, watching her eyebrows hike another couple of metres towards her hairline. "We obviously don't find each other repulsive...certain *things* are just proof of that." He had the cheek to grin at her.
"Jack..."
"Please Sam. A normal, happy family. We can be happy? We can be friends, can't we?" Jack pleaded.
"I don't know, Jack." She sighed, holding her head in her hands.
"Could I ask you something?" He watched her closely.
"That's not a question, is it?" She smiled ruefully.
"No." He agreed, smiling slightly. "If you say no, what are you going to do?" He asked softly.
"Huh?"
"You're going to be a single Mom with two kids. If you work on base you're going to have to pay for their food, clothes, school and everything else, as well as having to pay a baby-sitter." He pointed out softly. "If we were married..."
"I'm not being a housewife."
"I wasn't going to suggest that. I was just going to point out that a combined income would make it a lot easier. You won't have to buy another apartment because your current one is too small, and you can always rely on me to look after the kids if something's up."
"What's in it for you?" She asked him suspiciously.
"Well...Not only do I get a beautiful daughter, ready-made, I get a gorgeous wife with a tongue on her that could seperate a Go'auld out of a human, I get a mother figure for Charlie who he likes, I get someone who's not expecting too much out of the relationship...just a permanent situation of how things are now." He shrugged.
"Why not keep it that way?"
"I don't believe in having kids if you're not married." He said simply, surprising her.
"You don't?"
"No. I don't normally sleep around either." He grinned dryly.
"Oh." Sam looked around, her eyes focusing on Cassie and Charlie now running towards them. "You'd do that for the kids, wouldn't you?"
"Do what?"
"Sacrifice the opportunity to be with someone you love for the kids..."
"Sam...if there's someone in your life..."
"There isn't. It's just you're eliminating the possibility of that ever happening." She sighed, closing her eyes. "I didn't ask to be a mother you know, I didn't ask to get myself pregnant and I certainly didn't ask Janet to die so I could have Cassie..."
"Sam...if you ever find anyone...I won't hold you to the marriage." He said gently.
"Okay." She closed her eyes. It wasn't about love. It was about convenience. And pretending to two kids who were fairly innocent, in relativity of course.
"Hey...what's up?" Charlie plopped down on the blanket, draping himself over Jack's legs.
Cassie sat down between Sam and Jack. Jack watched with a slight smile as Sam unconsciouly draped an arm over the girls' shoulders and hugged her. No, Sam didn't ask to be a mother and he didn't want to take her freedom or the rest of her life away from her, but sometimes things were worth sacrificing for. And she was a good mother.
"You telling them or me?" He asked, grinning at her. He was relieved to see an answering smile on her lips, even though her eyes were suspiciously bright. The kids, he knew, would mistake those tears for joy. He knew better. She was signing her 'life' away.
"You can." She squeezed Cassie's shoulder again.
He frowned slightly. Taking her hand in his own - had to make the whole situation seem real and believable to all concerned - he faced his kids. "Well...uh...Sam and I..."
"You're getting married?" Charlie asked, his eyes suspiciously happy.
"Uh...Yeah." Jack blinked. Man the kid was smart. Way to smart for his own good.
"When?" Cassie squealed, bowling Sam over in a hug.
"Uh...don't know..." Sam replied. A muffled noise sounded against Cassie, and Jack knew it was a muffled sob.
"Careful." Jack eased Cassie off of Sam, a sudden fear shooting through him.
"What?" Both kids looked at him. He pulled Sam up gently and held her in his arms, wishing she wasn't quite so tense.
"How do you feel about a little brother?" Sam whispered, wishing she could stop crying.
"You're going to have a baby?" Charlie gaped, his face completely amazed.
"Yeah." Jack grinned, letting Sam hide her face against him while she cried.
"Are you okay, Sam?" Cassie touched Sam's shoulder lightly.
"Yeah. I'm just...happy." He flinched as she lied to the kids, and she flinched as well. He hugged her tightly, acknowledging her sarcrifice, and dropped a kiss on her head that wasn't for show.
"Cool." Charlie grinned then, a contented sigh as he sprawled over his Dad's lap again. "So after I have a brother...is Cassie gonna get a sister?"
efefef
You're not gone but you're not here
At least that's the way it seems tonight
If we could try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
efefef
Sam blinked furiously.
"You okay?" Jack's gentle tone nearly caused her to burst into tears.
"I'm fine." She lied, forcing the tears away as she felt the familiar stinging sensation underneath her eyelids.
"Liar." He smiled slightly and grabbed a hold of her hand. She looked up at him. Friends. They were nothing more than friends. That's all. This was just a comfort thing, and quite frankly, she appreciated it.
She smiled slightly at him as they made their way up the corridor.
A flash of red hair and a white caught stabbed at her heart.
"Janet..." She called, hope on her voice.
"It's not Janet, Sam." Jack let go of her hand and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. She could smell his aftershave as he held her, a now familiar and soothing smell on her senses, as was his hold on her.
"I know. It's just..."
"It's okay." He smiled his understanding and dropped a kiss on her forehead. She smiled again and took his hand before he could offer it. It was nice, this slight shift in their relationship. They were friends now, if more affectionate than most friends. That was because
constant pretending in front of Cassie and Charlie for the last month and a half had turned into reality, a constant during their day, even when the kids weren't around. Small platonic kisses of comfort, a soothing hand and a warm hold given by Jack to Sam were deemed completely natural. Sam, on the other hand, never touched him first.
* * *
"Miller...have you got those results yet? I need them *now*!" Daniel stalked into the room, his face strained.
"Sorry Dr. Jackson but I seem to have..."
"You've had nearly a month already!" Daniel howled in frustration. "If Sam was here then those results would have been ready before I even needed them!"
"Sam is here." Sam said softly, surprising him.
"SAM!" Daniel whirled around, a grin on his face. "OH! Wow! It's good to see you back here Sam!" He grinned, hugging her tightly. "You look well." He held her at arms length and surveyed her. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I did. Someone hardly ever leaves base. I also have two kids to look after." She grinned at him.
"So you're back then?"
"I'm back. Only in the mornings though until Cassie and Charlie finish school, then I go home with them." She admitted.
"You driving then?"
"Yeah." She smiled tightly.
"You drive over this morning?" He asked softly, concern in his eyes.
"No. Jack brought me." She was shocked and disgusted to feel the tears pricking at her eyes again.
"Oh, Sam." Daniel's eyes went soft with compassion as he enfolded her in a hug and rocked her slightly. "It's not that bad."
"Yes it is. I keep seeing her walking down the hallways, I keep calling out 'Janet' and then everyone thinks I'm crazy." She sniffed, trying to push him away.
Daniel let go. "They don't think you're crazy, they all understand."
"I know...but..."
"I understand Sam, it's okay." He smiled and reached over to squeeze her shoulder. "So, how's things going otherwise?" he asked her, completely forgetting his pressing need for results.
"Not bad." Sam glanced at Daniel and then down at her slightly protruding stomach. Would he guess?
"So, how does it feel to be back then?" Daniel small talked, knowing something was bothering her.
"Not that difficult. According to Jack I almost didn't have work to come back to."
"Huh?" Daniel blinked at her light-hearted comment.
"Senator Kinsey..." She prodded.
"Ah, yes. Him." Daniel curled his lips distastefully. "Yeah. He nearly shut us down." Daniel agreed. "Good thing I had those co- ordinates and the Nox did their thing. Mr. President out-voted out good senator then, using some ambigious story or another."
"So what exactly did they do?" Sam asked curiously, having only gotten a very vague explanation from Jack.
"I'm not exactly sure. They did something to the navigational computers, the weapons and engines of the ship. Also its force shield."
"Oh." Sam frowned slightly. "That doesn't mean they're not going to attack."
"I know...but hopefully we'll find some more allies before that happens." Daniel admitted. He glanced around the room, relieved to see that Miller had left. "You know, your replacement is a complete idiot." He confided, oblivious to the flash of pain on Sam's face.
Replacement.
"Oh." Sam smiled tightly. "I'm sure he's not that bad."
"You're not the one who has to work with him." Daniel grumbled, settling down for a long talk.
* * *
"Hey!" Jack grinned, catching sight of Sam in the cafeteria.
"Hey yourself." She smiled at him absently, turning back to the figures in front of her.
"First day back and already back in those bad habits." He admonished, raising his eyes at the half eaten sandwich and luke warm coffee in front of her.
"Huh?" She looked at him blankly.
"Just to remind you...that's not very good for you right now." He pointed at the coffee. "And you're not eating enough...considering that you can't keep anything down anyway..." He dumped his tray on the table and pushed all her stuff aside. "Here. I got you some real food." He told her firmly.
Sam raised her eyebrow as he deposited a huge glass of milk in front of her, a bowl of chocolate pudding, some fruit salad and a donut. "I don't eat doughnuts." She stated calmly, spearing a grape on her fork.
"Why not?" He looked surprised.
"Because." She shrugged, chewing on the grape.
"You have to eat donuts though. How could you not eat donuts?" Jack was astounded.
"Hi Jack." Daniel appeared, glancing down at the amount of food between Sam and Jack. "Wow."
"Uh yeah...as I was saying..." Jack glanced over at Sam who was still watching him disdainfully.
"You're not arguing again, are you?" Daniel asked hesitantly, disappointment on his face.
"Of course we are, Danny." Jack looked mildly surprised that Daniel would hope otherwise. "Sam here is under the impression that a simple salad sandwich and half a cup of luke warm coffee is a good meal."
"I don't see anything wrong with that, other than the fact that the coffee is only half a cup and luke warm. It should be a full mug and really hot." He shrugged.
Jack gaped at him. "But look at this. I got her chocolate pudding, milk, a donut and fruit salad. What does she do? Drinks the rest of her coffee, eats a grape and tells me she doesn't like donuts." He complained.
"Given the choice out of milk and coffee, I understand why she chose coffee. Jack, are you feeling okay?" Daniel watched him worriedly.
"Fine. Why?"
"Why have you gotten Sam all this food? Don't you two hate each other, or was that just me?"
"We've been living with each other for about four months now Daniel, we've learnt how to interact civilly." Jack rolled his eyes.
"And you learnt a big word." Daniel teased him, still watching them suspiciously.
"Well...I'm off to the lab. You guys enjoy the food." Sam stood up, waving her hand at the food on the table.
"But you haven't drunk your milk yet!"
* * *
Daniel watched them suspiciously. He reached over absently and tucked hair behind her ear, she grinned up at him with none of her earlier hostility, and then he smacked her on the backside.
"Okay. What's going on?" He demanded, barging into the room.
"What do you mean?" Jack turned to him innocently.
"You two!" Daniel sputtered, waving his arms around. "Two weeks. Two weeks Sam's been back at work and I've been watching you two. Are you involved?"
"What?" Sam nearly laughed.
"Involved. As in 'in love'!" Daniel hissed, glaring at them each in turn.
"No, we're not in love." Jack shook his head, his heart twisting painfully as the words passed through his lips. He glanced at Sam. Four and a half months she'd been living at his house. One and a half months they'd been engaged. No, they weren't in love though.
"Then what?"
"He's got to find out sometime." Sam sighed, turning away from him.
"I told Cassie and Charlie." He inserted, eager to get off the hook. Sam glared at him, masking the pain in her eyes as she let anger surface.
"Of course." She said sarcastically. She turned to Daniel. "No Daniel, we're not in love. We're only getting married because I'm pregnant." She stated coldly and marched off down the hallway.
Daniel turned to Jack, shocked.
efefef
'Cause Baby
I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight no more
efefef
"Uh...hi Dad." Sam croaked into the phone. 'How do I tell him this?'
"Sam!" He sounded strange, she thought. No, that was just her nerves playing up.
"Yeah, it's me." She repeated, feeling like an idiot. 'What on earth am I going to say? Why did I ring him?'
"So how have you been?" He asked eventually.
"Oh...I'm getting better."
"Did you want your apartment back?" He asked suddenly.
"What? Oh no, nothing like that." She nearly laughed in relief. "No..."
"Oh. So what are you and the little girl going to do?" He asked suspiciously.
"Cassie, Dad, her name's Cassie." Sam avoided the question.
"Are you still at O'Neill's place?" He demanded suspiciously.
"Yeah. I've been here since I was discharged." She agreed.
"Why?"
"Well...Cassie's happy here, settled. Charlie's settled as well. There's no room for all three of us in my apartment and..."
"And what?" he was downright suspicious now.
"And we're engaged." She said softly.
"What?" Jacob nearly screeched.
"I'm getting married Dad, in two days time." She sniffed.
"Sam? Are you okay?" Jacob was instantly alert. Something was wrong with his daughter.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She lied, trying to hide another sniff.
"Then why are you crying?" He asked gently. 'How,' he wondered, 'do I talk to her? How do I relate to my daughter?'
"Because I thought you'd be happy for me." She lied again, not trying to hide her tears anymore. 'Help me Daddy, please!'
"I'm sorry Princess." Jacob sighed, closing his eyes. "I just don't think that O'Neill is the best choice..."
"No one's good enough for you." Sam hissed. "First Jonas and now Jack!"
"I was right about Jonas though. He wasn't right for you. He hurt you."
"You're wrong about Jack though. He won't hurt me. Not ever." Sam said softly, closing her eyes. Wrong. Jack O'Neill had hurt her more than anything. Not in love.
No, they weren't in love. They were friends, and that's all they were going to be. The marriage would be dissolved if one of them found someone else. He didn't love her, and she didn't love him. But she could have loved him. He'd been so easy to like, to get used to, to enjoy having around. But they didn't love each other.
"Sam...I'll be there." Jacob's voice caught her attention.
"Thanks. It's at the small church on the corner of Washington and Newburn. 10am." She hesitated.
"Who's giving you away?"
"General Hammond offered...but I'd like you too." She asked hopefully.
"I'd love to." Jacob bit his bottom lip. "Do you have a dress?"
"Yeah." She whispered.
"Could I give you the bouquet?" Jacob asked hesitantly.
"That'd be nice." The tears were cascading down her cheeks. The house would be flooded soon.
"Okay. I'll see you there pumpkin." He blew a kiss through the receiver.
"Thanks Dad." Sam hung up.
* * *
"Are you okay?" Jack's voice reached her ears.
"Why do you always ask me that?" Sam snapped, not even turning to face him.
"You've been quiet lately." He frowned slightly. What was wrong with her? She'd been so cold with him for nearly a week now, since they told Daniel they were getting married and decided on a date.
"I'm usually quiet." She said snidely, scraping the knife across the board in a way she knew Jack hated.
"No you're not."
"I told my Dad." She admitted, dumping the untensils in the sink and wiping her hands on a towel.
"And?" Jack watched as she turned around. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her cheeks were pale. She'd been crying, he realised. She really didn't want to marry him. What had he done?
"And he'll meet us there." She forced herself to meet his calm brown eyes, hating the way he had that mask perfected and nothing showed through.
"Oh." Jack looked away. What else could he do? It was all his fault anyway. That she was unhappy. "Sam..?"
She looked at him, something in his eyes that she couldn't understand. "What is it?" She sighed, frustrated at their lack of communication.
"I'm....I'm sorry, okay?" He swallowed, his eyes darting away from her nervously.
For what? For not loving me? For not allowing me to love you? For putting us in this situation? Sam blinked, turning her attention back to the man in front of her.
"Yeah." She smiled tightly and stepped past him, a constricting lump in her throat threatening to burst with a flood of tears that she couldn't understand.
efefef
How can I leave, when everything
that I adore
And everything I'm living for
girl it's in you
I can't dream, sleepless nights
have got me bad
The only dream I ever had is
being with you
efefef
"So, how do I look?" Sam asked Cassie, licking her lips nervously.
"You look very beautiful." Cassie said solemnly, a large smile on her face. "This is the best day ever!" She announced.
"Really?" Sam smiled tightly.
"Yeah. We get to be a real family now." Cassie grinned. "Can...can I call you Mom, Sam?"
Sam knelt down in front of Cassie, her eyes threatening to spill over with tears. "Sweetheart, if that's what you want then I'd love for you to call me Mom." Sam smiled, pulling Cassie into a hug.
"Good." Cassie sighed, holding onto Sam tightly. "And Charlie?"
"Well...that's up to Charlie, I think." Sam tapped Cassie's nose lightly with her finger. "Come on." She took hold of Cassie's hand and lead the way determinedly out of the room.
* * *
"Jack." A familiar voice sounded behind Jack's right shoulder.
"General." Jack dipped his head in respect. So what if the man was retired, so what if he was going to his father-in-law, Jacob Carter still demanded and got respect.
"I think that's a little formal, considering?" Jacob studied the man in front of him carefully, his eyes raking in everything about Jack's nervous posture. "You hurt my little girl, O'Neill, and I swear you won't live to see another day." Jacob said calmly.
"Yes sir." Jack swallowed roughly. What about Sam hurting him? "I wouldn't harm a hair on her head." He added.
"Good." Jacob raised an eyebrow, "That's not what I was talking about." He added, before turning and leaving Jack to ponder the man's implication. That threat was assuming that Sam was actually in love with him, that this marriage was really based on feelings and not just circumstance or convenience. Jack sighed heavily and took his place at the front of the small church.
* * *
"There they are!" Charlie announced excitedly as Sam and Cassie appeared in the doorway.
General Hammond smiled slightly at the childish enthusiasm, and felt tears prick at his eyes as he saw his one time Major walking nervous, but determinedly up the aisle. It struck him, as he watched her, that it was the same face she used when stepping through the stargate, going into battle or faced with a problem she was determined to solve. Sam Carter considered this whole ceremony a mission.
"Dad!" Charlie tugged on Jack's jacket.
"What?" Jack tore his eyes away from Sam, realising his frank admiration of her appearance was probably not a good idea considering their *real* relationship.
"When you kiss her..." Charlie grinned wickedly. "Do it real good!"
"What do you know about kissing girls?"
"I seen it on T.V." Charlie said knowingly. "They always look real happy if you kiss them real good."
"Charlie!" Jack admonished, shocked and slightly excited by his son's suggestion.
Charlie grinned at Daniel who was also staring at the boy in a slightly dumbfounded fashion, and then waited for the ceremony to proceed.
"I do." Charlie blinked. I do's already? He looked at his Dad who had just uttered the words. His Dad, Colonel Jack O'Neill, was *nervous*!
"I do." Sam echoed the words a while later, her voice as shaky as her hands.
Charlie watched the proceedings curiously. They didn't look as happy as the people on the T.V. Then again, this was real life and not rehearsed at all. Shrugging, he grinned as his Dad tentatively leaned forwards and kissed Sam. Jack looked apologetically at Charlie as the tiny kiss ended abruptly, and Charlie rolled his eyes in mock disgust.
* * *
"Thanks." Sam looked down at the dried bouquet of flowers in her hands. Her Mom's bouquet.
"It was a pleasure, Sam. I should have given them to you a long time ago." Jacob smiled tightly as his eyes rested on O'Neill.
Sam sighed, seeing where his eyes were focused. "I still think you're making a mistake. O'Neill isn't right for you..."
"Dad..." Sam closed her eyes briefly. This was hard enough without her Dad interfering. "Why's he not good enough for me?" She sighed.
"Well, for one, he's a lot older than you are..."
"So? People used to get married to men old enough to be their great grandfathers!" Sam retorted logically.
"Used to, not anymore." Jacob frowned. "He's divorced, known to be suicidal, not shy of a drink or two too much..."
"Have you had him checked out or something?" Sam gaped.
"Of course. His top secret missions and classified record is longer than both my arms and legs joined together." Jacob looked mildly surprised. "He's an action junky, someone hell bent on testing the odds, continually."
"Dad...I hardly think that's the case with this posting." Sam smiled slightly. Oh yeah, definately not just testing the odds. More like challenging them, ignoring them, defying them...
"What? You still expect me to believe deep space radar telemtry is what you do down there? Please Sam, I have been around much longer than that." Jack looked at her pointedly.
"What else would we be doing?" Sam asked innocently, widening her eyes ever so slightly.
"You're good." Jacob allowed a grin. Sam noticed the grin fading slightly, looking forced. Jack. He was nearby, she realised.
"Of course she's good." Jack's voice said right next to her ear as his arm slipped around her waist, pulling her against him.
Sam tensed slightly, but continued the act, placing her arm around his waist and leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Just don't ruin that goodness." Jacob said pointedly, turning and walking away after smiling slightly at Sam again.
"I think it's safe to say he doesn't like me." Jack commented, not releasing Sam. She pulled out of his hold, her eyes unreadable. "Must run in the family."
efefef
I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Let's not leave ourselves with no
way out
Let's not cross that line
efefef
"How you doing?" Daniel asked, studying Sam intently.
"Me? I'm fine."
"Just wondering. You look tired." He added.
"Daniel, I'm nearly four months pregnant. Of course I'm tired." Sam didn't mean to snap, but she couldn't help it.
"Maybe you should go home early, you know, take some time off. It's not a foreign concept."
"You sound like Jack now." Sam sighed, rolling her eyes. "He's been talking to you, hasn't he?"
"Well, he did mention you get headaches, throw up, dizzy spells, don't sleep well..."
"It's called pregnancy. A normal thing that a lot of women go through." Sam tried to smile at him.
"Yeah. Why not go home and spend some time with Cassie and Charlie?"
"Dad's looking after them today. Said he wanted to get to know his grandkids better." Sam frowned slightly.
"He doesn't like Jack, does he?" Daniel realised.
"No, not really." Sam smiled ruefully. "But he loves Charlie." She added thoughtfully.
"I think he's just scared because he's losing his daughter." Daniel said softly.
"Losing me? How?" Sam blinked, surprised at Daniel's words.
"Well...you're married, in love, pregnant, living a whole life he doesn't know about...he's losing you sort of." Daniel listed.
"Out of that list you weren't 100% accurate." Sam sighed, smiling tightly this time.
"I was. You do love Jack, you just don't know it yet." Daniel nodded his head firmly.
"Oh, and how do you know that?"
"I've seen you, the way you act. Last week for instance, when Teal'C carried him through the gate you were nearly hysterical for a second." Daniel studied her, watching the way a defiant and embarrassed colour rose in her cheeks.
"I wasn't." She said, looking away. "Anyway, I've told you, we don't love each other. Sure, we're sort of friends now..."
"The way you guys act though..." Daniel studied her.
"It's the act Daniel...the whole thing is just an act." Sam sighed, leaning back down into her chair.
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is." Sam shook her head. "We're acting like we're in love, we're acting like we're married, we're acting like we're happy. Sometimes it's easy to forget you're acting, but it still boils down to the fact that we're just acting." Sam sighed, running her hands through her hair.
"That means you like acting this, that you want it to be real..."
"No it doesn't, it just means it's getting strained and too comfortable. I mean, both Jack and I know we don't really like each other. Sure, we're on better terms now, but there's so much about us that annoys the other person..." She trailed off.
"Like what?" Daniel waited.
"Like..."
Sam stopped in mid-speech and snatched up the phone as it rang for a second time. "Carter." She said loosely, looking at the floor instead of Daniel. "What?" Her eyes jerked open, colour rushing from her face. "Thanks, I'll be there." She dropped the phone carelessly on the cradle and jumped up, pushing her chair hastily backwards.
"What?" Daniel demanded, worry screwing his features up tightly.
"My Dad just collapsed, he's in hospital." Sam stated breathlessly, grabbing a hold of her coat.
"Where are Cassie and Charlie?" Daniel got up, following her out of the room.
"With the next door neighbours. Charlie ran over there when Dad collapsed, and they called an ambulance." Sam pushed the button on the lift impatiently.
"You go straight to the hospital, I'll get Cassie and Charlie for you." Daniel offered.
"No need, I've got to go past there anyway." Sam turned to him, her eyes large and fear filled. "Daniel..." She hesitated.
"What?" He asked softly, watching the conflicting emotions in her eyes.
"I...it's nothing. Tell Jack where we are, okay?" She disappeared into the lift. Daniel rubbed his face worriedly and then turned to go and locate Jack.
He found the man looking none to happy behind his desk, a mound of paper work in front of him.
"Danny, what can I do for you?" Jack looked up hopefully, just itching to push the pages aside.
"Nothing for me..."
"Damn. Why is it there's always so much paperwork?" Jack groaned, picking up his pen.
"You have to go, Jack." Daniel stated, jerking his hand towards the exit.
"Beg yours?" Jack looked at Daniel. "You okay there?"
"I'm fine. Sam's Dad isn't..."
Jack jumped to his feet, worry evident in his eyes. Daniel was pretty sure that worry wasn't for Jacob.
"Where is she?"
"She's gone to pick up the kids and then to the hospital." Daniel informed him, jogging slightly to keep up with Jack's long strides.
"Can I borrow your car? Sam and I came together..."
"No worries..." Daniel fished in his pockets and handed over the keys. Jack smiled his thanks, grabbed the small metal objects and sprinted away. Daniel watched him go, a heavy feeling in his heart. Sometimes people were just so stupid.
efefef
I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't wanna fight no more
efefef
"Mom...where's Grandpa?" Cassie demanded, clutching hold of Sam, fear in her eyes.
"He's being looked at now by a doctor, okay?" Sam knelt down, studying her daughter carefully. Her daughter. Something inside of her broke loose and turned somersaults. Cassie had been calling her 'Mom' for a while now, but Sam had just suddenly realised that Cassie *was* in every sense that counted (Except birth of course) her daughter.
"Where's Dad?" Charlie asked, his own features tense and worried.
"He'll be here soon, Daniel told him." Sam touched his cheek lightly and stood up. "I want to go and find out what's going on. Will you guys be okay here for a minute?" She looked at them hopefully.
"Yeah." Charlie nodded, taking Cassie's hand protectively. "I'll look after Cassie."
"I don't need to be looked after!" Cassie snapped indigantly.
"Later guys." Sam smiled wearily and left the two of them arguing on a seat, understanding their fear and way of releasing it. Making her way to the reception, Sam forced her nerves to remain calm."Excuse me, I'm looking for my Dad, he was admitted about twenty minutes ago in emergency."
"What's his name?" The nurse asked kindly.
Duh Sam, you need to give the woman a name! "Jacob Carter, probably General Jacob Carter." She licked her lips. She waited nervously while the woman fiddled around on her computer.
"Yes, he was admitted twenty minutes ago. He's in ICU." The nurse looked up apologetically.
"Can I see him?"
"You'll have to ask his doctor that. He's just through those doors there, first corridor on left. Just check with a doctor before you go in." The nurse explained.
"Thanks." Sam smiled slightly and followed the directions. She stopped short as she caught sight of her Dad through the glass partition, his face pale and so still.
"Are you Sam?" A voice behind her startled her.
"I am." She read the man's tag. Dr. Stephens. "Are you my Dad's doctor?"
"I am." He acknowledged, looking through the window at the unconscious man lying on the bed.
"What's wrong with him?" Sam whispered, tears threatening to spill over her cheeks.
"He hasn't told you then, has he?" The doctor smiled sadly.
"What? What's wrong with him?" Sam demanded, panic rising in her at the resigned look on the doctors face.
"He's got cancer, Sam." Dr. Stephens said slowly. "He's been fighting it for months now."
"NO!" Sam shrieked, backing away from the man. "You're lying. He doesn't have cancer!"
"Sam...I'm sorry but..."
"NO!" Sam spun around, anger in her eyes. "You've got to help him!"
"I can't, there's nothing we can do for him anymore..."
"Don't tell me that!"
"Sam...Sam...shhh." Jack's arms were suddenly around her, his voice soft in her ear and his chest pressed against her cheek.
"He's dying, Jack!" Sam sobbed, clutching hold of him.
"I know, I know." He stroked her hair, his own eyes filled with pain as the woman in his arms shook with grief.
"He can't die now, Jack, he can't. Not now when..." She trailed off, tensing in his arms.
"When what?" Jack pulled away, cupping her face up so he could study her eyes. They were haunted, pain-filled, but also regretful.
"We didn't speak to him." Sam closed her eyes, pulling herself out of his hold and wrapping her arms around her protectively. "Mark and I, we wouldn't have anything to do with him...then I had the accident - the first one - and we talked again...but not yet! I'm not ready yet Jack!" She hit her hand against the glass partition.
"Sam...you can go in and see him." Dr. Stephens quiet voice reminded her of his presence and alerted Jack to it for the first time.
Jack looked at Sam, waiting to see what she was going to do. She looked so scared, so afraid and so upset that he wanted nothing more to take her in his arms and just hold her.
"I...I can't." She shook her head, backing away.
"Yes you can." Jack blinked, studying her and the way she limped backwards, the limp even more pronounced in her panic and jerky, hasty movements.
"No, I can't!" She shook her head.
"Sam!" Jack took hold of her shoulders, forcing her to keep still. He studied her for a second, and then spoke again, his voice quiet and tender. "Sam, you can. He's your Dad."
"I...I..."
"Sam, you've just had a shock. You have to strong now, okay?" Jack coached her, releasing his hold on her ever so slightly. "Come on, let's go together, okay?"
"Okay." She whispered, biting her lips nervously.
Jack held out his hand and warily she placed hers in his hold, allowing him to lead her into the room.
efefef
Remember that I made a vow that I would
never let you go
I meant it then and I mean it now and I
want to tell you so
efefef
"Hey Dad." Sam smiled slightly, watching with concern as her Dad's eyelids flickered open slightly.
"Hey yourself." Jacob croaked. He at least, Sam was pleased to note, had the decency to look slightly ashamed of himself.
"You should have told me." She said simply, not letting go of his hand.
"I didn't want to worry you, not with the baby and your marriage and *your* accident..."
"And this isn't worrying me? Stop making excuses. You should have told me." She said pointedly.
"I know. I'm sorry." He agreed softly. Sam raised an eyebrow. Since when did her Dad apologise so easily. "So, how long have I been here?"
"About four hours." She spoke guardedly, keeping her face determinedly void of emotion. "You do realise they didn't think you were going to wake up."
"No." Jacob closed his eyes, ashamed and scared at the same time.
"The kids were really worried...Cassie was crying and Charlie was..."
"He was great." Jacob smiled suddenly.
"Pardon?" Sam waited.
"He did what I told him to, went for help. He's a good kid, Sam. You look after him, okay?" Jacob whispered, his eyes starting to creep shut.
"Dad!" Sam panicked.
"It's okay..." He opened his eyes again slightly. "Do me a favour?"
"What?" Sam blinked her tears away. Later. She could cry later.
"Don't you dare name your kid after me, okay?"
Sam chuckled. "What? Not even Benjamin?"
"Not even Benjamin." Jacob smiled again, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly with laughter. "Sam...I'm sorry." He studied her, touching her cheek lightly before giving way to a coughing fit.
"For what?" Sam asked softly.
"For everything." Jacob smiled sadly. "For not picking your Mom up, for letting you and Mark hate me, for being a bad father, for not telling you...for telling you O'Neill isn't good enough." He stopped again briefly, licking his lips. "He is good for you. You're happy. You stay happy, okay? Don't let him turn into another Jonas..."
"Dad..." Sam tensed, valiantly trying to fight the tenseness in her body but failling miserably.
"He's not, is he?" The anger and disblief in Jacob's voice nearly made Sam laugh.
"He's not what?" Jack asked mildly, his eyes darting between Sam's strained, if not panicked look, and Jacob's anger filled one.
"Hitting my daughter. You aren't, are you?" Jacob demanded.
"What? Hitting Sam?" Jack jerked, surprised.
"That's what I said." Jacob narrowed his eyes. No, O'Neill wasn't hitting Sam. The innocence and complete shock at such an insinuation...or the man was a very, *very* good actor.
"Hell no. She'd kick my ass so fast..." Jack studied Sam. "Did Jonas hit you?" He realised, the tightness of his lips giving away his anger.
"It's over now, okay? Jack doesn't hit me Dad, he doesn't do anything like that." Sam put her hand firmly on her Dad's arm. "And you're going to rest now, okay?" She put an end to the conversatoin. "The kids will come in and see you tomorrow, if that's okay?"
"Fine." Jacob smiled slightly, his eyes on O'Neill. "You look after her, okay?" He demanded roughly. "I'm trusting you on this one, don't you dare let me down, soldier."
"No Sir, I won't." Jack said firmly, taking a hold of Sam's hand and sincerely meeting her eyes.
Sam frowned slightly, trying to read his expression, but blinked when she realised her scrutiny was too obviously.
"Go now, I'll sleep for a while." Jacob instructed.
"See you tomorrow Dad." Sam smiled weakly.
"Go!" Jacob ordered, a slight smile hovering over his lips.
* * *
Neither of them said anything after the children went to bed. She was too tired, too exhausted and too numb to think of conversing with him on a civil manner. He, on the other hand, was too busy studying her and trying to work out just why she had let someone beat her.
He watched silently as she rose to her feet and left the room. He gave her a few minutes, knowing she'd be changing now, in the their en suite, and then he slowly stood and followed her to their room.
Their room. Marriage, the act, everything that went with it. They shared the same room, the same bathroom, and the same mattress even, but that was all. There was an invisible wall between the two of them when they slept. When she sometimes lay whimpering in her sleep, he
had no right to lean over and comfort her or to gather her in his arms and just hold her. Instead he was forced to listen to the small sounds of stifled nightmares that had never plagued her on missions.
"I'm done." The words hung in the air as she emerged from the bathroom, her robe carelessly draped over her shoulders and her swollen abdomen framed by the silky material. He longed to touch it, to feel their child that she carried inside her, but knew that in the privacy of their room, in the time they had alone together, neither one was allowed to touch the other because that would change things.
He smiled his thanks and disappeared into the bathroom, also to get changed.
Sam slipped beneath the covers on her side of the bed. Opening her drawer she pulled out the slim photo album she kept in there, only a few pictures of the most important people in her life.
The first one was her family. Her, Mark, Dad and Mom. She traced the lines of her Mother's face reverantly, letting her mind take her away to that place that smelt of warm cinnamon and jasmine. Soon, soon she would be doing that with her father's image. She touched his face gently, the scent of a crisply pressed uniform and tabacco smoke filling her senses. Dad.
Biting her lip, she turned the page. Two school friends from the schools she had attended the longest - a year each - and then Emily, her college friend. She wondered aimlessly where Emily was, whether she still kept her hair hanging freely in a waterfall down her back, whether the long, jingly silver earings and metallic bracelets still adorned her arms. Probably not.
She turned the page and felt a ball of bile rise in her throat as Jonas' face stared up at her. He was dead now, his own doing and obsessive dreaming. His controlling nature...and it was her fault too. Partly. She'd left him, she'd helped get the program that bought him his death up and running, she'd been there when he'd died and done nothing about it. She'd hated him.
"It doesn't help." Jack's voice startled her. Her head jerked up and her guilty blue eyes met his where he was standing in the doorway to their bathroom.
"What doesn't?" She croaked out, closing the volume gently and shutting Jonas' taunting face away, hiding from his cruel words and harsh blows.
"Blaming yourself." Jack said simply, heading over to his closet. She watched him detatchedly as he hung his jacket up and then made his way to his side of the bed.
"I'm not." She said, opening the door and starting to put the album away.
"Then what's that about?" He pointed to the book. She looked down at it and then at him, undecided. Show him; bare her soul to him, or hide it and shut away any chance of friendship with this man.
"I wasn't intending on seeing his photo." She sighed, letting go of the drawer she had started to open. "I don't know why it's still in here. Souvenier, I guess." She smiled drily without letting it reach her eyes.
"What were you doing?" He asked, curious and making the most of this unusual openess in her.
"I don't know. Just looking, I guess." She shrugged.
"Mind if I have a look?" He asked hopefully.
Again she hesitated. Her eyes met his brown ones, so sincere and full of concern that she shakily handed over the suffed book.
"Your family?" He asked, opening the first page.
"Yeah." She didn't offer more information.
"Your brother?" He asked, pressing for information. He still hardly knew anything about her, other than the fact that she was an aunt twice over.
"Yeah. Mark." She nodded, her throat constricting. When was the last time she'd called Mark? He probably wasn't even aware of either of her accidents, or her marriage.
"Your Mom?" Jack knew it was a stupid question.
"Yeah." Sam licked her lips and he saw the pain in her eyes before she looked away.
"Why did you let him hit you?" He closed the book, not giving it back yet.
"It's not like I wanted him too." She snapped, holding her hand out for the book. Jack looked down at the volume that contained scant information of her history, and reluctantly handed it over. The conversation was over.
"General Hammond's given me some down time." He said eventually, settling down onto the bed.
"Oh?" He knew she was just being polite now, not really interested in his conversation. This was confirmed by the click as she turned off her bedside lamp.
"Yeah. He uh, he said that it would probably be better off for everyone if we were together..."
"...in times like these." Sam finished off, unable to hide the bitterness and anger from him.
"I'm sorry." He said, itching to reach over and comfort her.
"It's not your fault." She pulled the covers up tightly. "He didn't go to the doctor soon enough. I found out that if he'd gone a few months earlier they might have beaten it or even delayed it for longer." She said it clinically, calmly.
"Sam..."
"What?"
"I...I am here for you. You know that, don't you?" He asked softly.
There was a silence.
"Thank you." He barely heard her soft whisper in the dark room.
efefef
I don' wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And this loneliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
I don't wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more
efefef
FINIS!!!
PART SIX: If Tomorrow Never Comes
Story Notes: Choices We Make_05: AUTHOR'S NOTES: Past Halfway!! If you're still reading this....you have courage!! thanks for putting up with all my bad grammar, spelling errors, predictability, etc. I luve you guys!! And Jo & suds especially! *grins*
P.S. Feedback? Please?
I Don't Wanna Fight Performed by Westlife (Used without permission. Didn't even know we had the CD until I went scratching through our pile to find a song with 'suitable' lyrics. I love the piano music...and the words
are okay too!!)
P.S. Feedback? Please?
I Don't Wanna Fight Performed by Westlife (Used without permission. Didn't even know we had the CD until I went scratching through our pile to find a song with 'suitable' lyrics. I love the piano music...and the words
are okay too!!)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]