I’ve got a headache.
“Go and get an aspirin from the infirmary or something.” Said Daniel.
“Maybe Dr Fraiser could be of some assistance.” Suggested Teal’c.
“You look tired son, maybe you had better take the afternoon off.” General Hammond had said.
Which is all well and good, except that it’s not that kind of headache. So whose fault is it then? I know you’re all dying to know. Well, it’s kinda a long story. Yeah, kinda. Actually, I suppose it’s longer than it seems really. Only a few hours ago I was perfectly happy, not confused or anything. And now? Well, I’d better start at the beginning.
It all started this morning at briefing. I walked in expecting the usual monotony when sitting at the table I saw not one Sam Carter, but two. At first I wondered if my deprived mind was playing tricks on me – and then I realised that if it was a dream or a fantasy of mine one or both of them would have been kissing em by now. Sad, I know, but that’s the way I am. Sorry folks.
So after ascertaining I’m not dreaming by pinching my arm (note to self – don’t do that again, it hurts) I decided to ask the expert what was going on.
“Carter?” I asked. To my dismay both heads turned to face me, and with equally angelic smiles answered me in unison,
“Yes sir?” I didn’t know what to say. The most wonderful woman in my life had suddenly become, well, the two most wonderful women in my life. And I think that’s when my headache started.
Once General Hammond entered and began the briefing the clouds started to lift. There were two Carters. But there weren’t two Sams. Apparently, Sam had a twin. Called Jessica. Sweet. And she was another Astrophysicist Major. Sweeter. And she was going to be working at the SGC. Sweetest. Something told me that if the whole Jessica/Sam situation got any sweeter it would turn into sugar.
When the meeting ended Sam and Jessica wanted out real quick. Sam was itching to get away before I could question her I knew. I can tell, you know. I called her name, being careful to use ‘Sam’ instead of ‘Major’ or ‘Carter’ to avoid confusion. And then the weirdest thing happened. Sam stopped, looked at Jessica, then turned around and walked up to me. Then, she looked right at me.
“Daniel told me.” She said simply, then walked off with a glint of evil malice in her eyes. And believe me, my life hasn’t been vaguely sane since.
Every morning I get on my desk a report from Sam about the astrophysical data collected, if any, from our last mission or, if we haven’t been anywhere, someone else’s last mission. I think she thinks I like to read it. Or she knows I don’t. One way or the other. But this morning when I went in I had not one, but two reports, completely identical, except that one was written by Sam and the other by Jessica. And in that tiny moment I got a terrible feeling about the rest of the day.
When I stopped by the commissary to fetch my coffee I saw them together, plotting. They were so interested in their conversation that they didn’t see me, but I saw them. And what I saw scared the hell out of me. I mean, look at it this way. If one Sam Carter can plot well enough to save this world from destruction and save my sorry ass then two Sam Carters are more than capable of plotting suitable revenge against me.
So what have I done that requires two Sams to plot efficient revenge? Well, let’s just say it was a certain time loop. And a certain Major of mine. And a certain absolutely amazing kiss that I accidentally let slip to Daniel about. And he told Sam. With friends like that, who need enemies?
So now she’s out for revenge, sisters together I guess. I have only one thing to say. God help me.
OK, I’ve just got back from the commissary with my coffee – I’ve got reports to write. The coffee is stronger than usual though, and despite the fact I need it to stay awake through some of these reports I still reckon it needs some sugar. So I help myself to my usual two teaspoons from the bowl by the long-empty kettle and stir it thoughtfully, my thoughts wandering to what tricks Sam and Jessica will play first.
I bring the coffee to my lips, and take a gulp. Suddenly I realise something is very wrong. Without swallowing I jump up and rush to the nearest sink to spit out the offending liquid. Salt in the sugar bowl. I should have guessed. I turn around just in time to see two blonde heads retract around the corner. The terrible two strike again. Damn.
I go back to my office with a cloud over my head the size of South Dakota. I’m so encompassed in my bad mood that I don’t think about watching my step, so when I fling the door open I’m not ready for what happens next.
Here’s what happened.
I opened the door.
Bucket of water balanced on door falls on me.
Forward momentum walks me into patch of grease on floor.
I slip over in aforementioned grease.
I look up in time to see a camera flash.
Two blonde figures run off in the other direction.
They got me again. Damn.
Half an hour later I return to my office dressed in clean BDUs after a nice refreshing shower free from Carter-revenge. As I approach the door I look around cautiously – whatever it is they’re planning I will be ready for them this time.
I push open the door hesitantly, staying my side of the threshold just in case they’ve decided to pull the same trick again. No water comes down, so gingerly I enter, being careful to check for any traps set on the floor or on the ceiling. I see noting, and continue to enter cautiously, proceeding to my desk.
Before sitting down I check my seat for whoopee cushions or maybe some glue – I have seen Sister Act you know. There’s nothing there amiss, so I sit down carefully. And that’s when I notice it. The note.
‘Having fun yet? – The twins’ it said.
So right now, I’m scared. Scared as hell.
About an hour later there’s a knock on the door. Now, I’ve just had a prank-free hour, so I’m a bit loathed to answer it, but something tells me that if Sam wants to get me she’ll get me – no matter how long it takes. I open the door. It’s Sam. Or one of them.
“Sir?” she says, looking kind of sheepish.
“Major?” I say, playing it safe.
“I’ve come to apologise, sir. What we were doing is wrong, and I’m sorry.” She pauses. “Can I come in?” Her truthful admission confuses me, and I nod slowly, stepping back to let her in and ignoring the little voice inside my head telling me this is a bad idea. She smiles at me. “Thank you, sir.” She says. “I knew you’d be ready to forgive me.” Sounds ominous.
“So, Carter, is that all?” She shakes her head slowly, a smile starting to form on her face.
“Not quite, sir.” She says, and looks towards the door I shut only moments earlier. Suddenly it opens, and the other twin walks in. I realise I never knew which twin this one was. Now I’m in trouble.
“Hello, sir.” She says, smiling. I just look at them both.
“OK Carter… Carters… What are you up to?” They just smile back at me, so angelic.
“Well, sir. We’ve decided that we’ll stop torturing you if—“ One started.
“You can tell which one is Sam.” I stare at them.
“And how am I gonna do that?” I ask, despite having a few very inappropriate ideas of my own.
“You have to kiss us.” They say together. Nothing like what I had in mind, obviously. Suddenly my headache gets a little worse. Mind you, it’s not all bad. Kissing Carter, twice. I pinch myself again, to make sure I’m not dreaming. The intense pain assures me I’m not.
“So…” I say, not entirely comfortable with this. “Who’s first?” The girls look at one another, grin, and one steps forward. Carefully, I move towards her, unsure of myself. She just smiles at me, and when I lean forward and kiss her she responds slightly. It’s a kiss, but nothing more, and I start to think this might be Jessica.
We break apart, and she smiles at me. Then she steps back and the other one come forward. Immediately she’s close to me I know this is Sam. There’s just something about this woman, something that I fell in love with four years ago and haven’t changed my mind about since. She has this thing. The other woman didn’t.
Despite the fact that I’m sure, I don’t give anything away. She comes up to me, and I kiss her gently, unsurprisingly easier than Jessica. Instead of the slight response I gained before Sam seems to lose her self-control slightly, and puts her arms around me, pulling me closer. I follow suit, supporting her delicate head with my hands as I deepen the kiss. She gives a little, I give a little more, and soon our tongues are dancing quickly together. I can’t help feeling that this is way better than the kiss in the time loop. Way better. She is gentle, and yet slightly demanding, powerful whilst still being full of love and care.
Finally the battle for air wins. We break apart, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything more amazing in my life. My breathing is laboured and so is hers and I vaguely notice that Jessica has left now. We’re alone.
Something tells me there’s a better place for this.
“My quarters?” I ask. She nods. I smile. So something good has come of this double trouble. Sweet.
Story Notes: AUTHOR'S NOTES: Note from the not-so-genius! I won’t mention the three holes in the ground this time. Lucky you. After the half-success of ‘The Weakest Link’ I decided to try and write another funny. I’m really, really, sorry for inflicting this on the world, but I just had this idea, and it kind of snowballed from there… I don’t know if it’s funny or not, because you never can laugh at your own jokes, so please let me know what you think. I do like feedback, when I get messages telling me I'm wonderful (or not!) it seems to help me write better. Still, happy reading, hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]