Jack strolled down the corridor, whistling and grinning. He was happy. This of course was nothing to do with the fact that Carter was due back after a two-week holiday with her brother. Oh no. It was because it was spring, and a nice day, and Teal'c was progressing with that whole smiling thing, and he'd spent the day with Cassie, and not because he was looking forward to seeing a certain smile that he'd missed more than he was prepared to admit for the past two weeks.
The grin spread wider as he walked up to Carter's quarters on base, and saw the door open, and bags outside the door. She was back, she was early, and what's more, she'd come straight back to the base.
"Carter! Good holiday?" he said cheerfully as he swung into her room. Then his smile faded.
Sam was sitting on the bed, looking pale and fragile. She was still in civvies, in that leather jacket she'd bought for her last birthday, which she was hugging around her as if for dear life. She looked...devastated.
"What's wrong?" he asked, concern wiping out his previous good feeling. "Are Mark and his family okay?"
She smiled up, sadly, trying to pull herself together. "They're fine Sir. We celebrated Little Sam's birthday last week."
"Little Sam?"
"My niece. She's Samantha too. We call her Little Sam so we don't get mixed up."
"So what's wrong?"
She looked away, trying not to meet his eyes. "Nothing, I'm tired." She reached into her bag. "Look, I have a picture of Little Sam, if you're interested." she said hurryingly, then she stopped and said quietly, "That is, if you're not too busy."
"Never too busy for you Major." Jack replied, watching her slow, careful movements. He'd seen Sam tired before. She got circles under her eyes, and fell asleep on lab benches, looking like a child. She didn't look like someone had walked all over her...emotionally speaking of course. She didn't cry, or look like she'd been crying. He sat down gently on the bed beside her as she pulled out a pile of pictures. She handed them to him, and then got up, and started to unpack her bags, trying to get herself calm again.
He picked them up. The first one was a picture of Little Sam, with an enormous birthday cake, and his Sam...his major...beside her. The expression on their faces was exactly alike...a look of joy and wonder in their big blue eyes, and a huge smile on their faces. Jack smiled automatically on seeing it.
"She looks like you." That was good. Sam smiled.
"Everyone says that."
He started to flip through the pictures as Sam concentrated on sorting through her bags. Most of it was Little Sam's birthday party. Presents, cakes, children, general happiness and joy. Nothing there to explain Sam's wan expression, or the unaccustomed sadness in her eyes.
Then he found it. Still a photo of the party, but in the background he could see Sam, and next to her, a tall, good-looking man, his arm round her shoulders. And Sam was gazing up at him, her eyes adoring, love written plain and clear in her face.
Oh God. This was it then. The reason for her misery. She'd fallen in love, and now she'd had to leave him. Jack felt his stomach twist as he stared into the picture, the lover, the happiness in Sam's face. He felt a coldness start in his chest, and spread through him, and he felt a sudden sharp pain in his heart.
Sam was in love. And it wasn't with him.
"Sir?" she asked, concerned and Jack's sudden stillness. Jack was never still, and it worried her. Then she saw the photo. She bit her lip, tears springing to her eyes. She hated herself for being so weak, so soft. She turned round, anxious to stop her commanding officer see her like this, with the tears running down her face.
"Sam?" he said gently, shaken by her reaction to the picture.
"Sir, could you get Janet?"
He winced. He only wished he could, but. "Sorry. Janet's off base. She's taken Cassie out."
"Daniel?"
"He went with them. Sam..can't you talk to me?"
She turned round, and shook her head slowly. It hurt him, more than he expected. "I can't cry my eyes out on the shoulder of my commanding officer." she explained seeing the hurt on his face.
"It didn't stop your double." he said quickly, before thinking.
"You weren't her commanding officer to her. You were just Jack."
"Then let me just Jack to you, just once, just for a little while." he pleaded.
She stared at him, seeing the desire to help written plain across his face. The pain inside her was hurting so much, and it would a blessed relief to let it out. She nodded slowly, and sat down on the bed.
Jack sat down gingerly beside her, but didn't touch her. He wasn't sure what to do, or say, but like the other Sam said, he didn't have to say anything, just listen.
"Do you remember when Daniel was addicted to the sarcophagus?" she asked, surprising him. He nodded. "He said some pretty nasty things. He told me I'd never known what real love is." She must have felt Jack suddenly tighten with anger at the cruel insult beside her, because she quickly said. "He apologized later. Pretty much a hundred times. It's okay. But you see, he was right. I've never allowed myself to love completly. I've always held myself back, never made the first move, run away from any real commitment, never opened up to any man. But it wasn't because I've never known real love. It was because I loved him."
She pointed to the picture in Jack's hand. He glanced down, at the tall, good-looking man. The one she didn't take orders from. The one who wasn't at least a good ten years older than she was. The one who didn't put her life in danger day after day, didn't order her to find a way to save his butt all the time. The one who wasn't afraid to let his love show in his face.
"Simon." she said. "I fell in love with him when I was sixteen. It was the usual story, one hot year of love and passion. I gave him everything, really loved him, as intensely as I could. Then he dumped me."
"I'm sorry." Jack murmured. He was half-wishing he hadn't offered to stay and talk. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear about the guy Sam had first given 'everything' to.
"It's happened to lots of people. The problem was, I never got over like they did. At the back of my mind, he was always there, the perfect lover, the one I'd dream of forever. Then I went back for the birthday party. And on my first night there, who should come visiting, but..."
"Simon." Jack said, quietly, inevitability heavy in his voice.
"Exactly. And, well, we...."
"Picked up where you left off?" he said lightly, the smile on his face betraying the bleakness in his eyes. This was hell. Every word she uttered twisted the knife in his gut deeper. But there was no way he was going to let her down and leave, not now.
"You got it." she said, smiling fondly. Her gaze drifted off, into the distance, as she remembered. "It was like we had never been apart. It was wonderful. He was kind, gentle, everything I'd ever dreamed about. It was perfect."
"And then you had to leave." Jack said.
"No." she said harshly. Her face paled again. The tears sprang to her cheeks again. "His wife turned up. With their three kids."
Jack breathed in sharply. That bastard. That utter, unmitigated bastard.
"He made it quite clear," she continued, "that he wasn't leaving her. That in fact, I had been just a way to pass the time. The latest in a long list of 'ways to pass the time'." she said, her tone biting as she relieved the humilation of the moment.
"I see." Jack said clamly, too calmly for Sam.
She was suddenly afraid she was pouring her heart out to a man who didn't understand what she was saying, or worse, didn't care, just like Simon. "No, you don't see!" she yelled, her anger suddenly directing itself at the only man in the room. "I know you always said you loved Sara, but it was never completely, like this! You never let yourself really belong to anyone but yourself have you?"
"Sam.." Jack said warningly, "I know you're angry, and hurt..."
"No, you say that, but you don't know that!" she continued, the anger giving way to sobs. "You're always so cool, so detached, just like him! You're so charming, and kind, and always never never give more of yourself than you actually have to! You're just like him! You've never known real love either have you!" She stopped sharply, suddenly aware of what she'd been screaming, and exactly who she'd been screaming it to. She wished she
could take it back, but judging by the dark look of anger on Jack's face, it was too late.
"You're right. " he said. "There was a time when I had never really loved. But at least you had the one you loved, if only for a little while. Do you have any idea what it is like to love another person completely, totally and utterly, to be willing to give everything you have, heart and soul and life for them, and never be able to say a thing? Have to see them, talk to them, touch them, and all the time you're thinking 'I love you', and never be able to say it? Do you have any idea how agonising that is?"
Sam shook her head mutely. "I'm sorry." she whispered, contrite.
"Me too." he said, his anger crumbling before her penitence, and the tears rolling, unchecked, down her cheeks. Then he held out his arms. "Come here." He said.
She came. She laid her head on his shoulders, and sobbed her heart out, and he held her tight as she shook and trembled with the force of her crying.
"Always remember," he whispered into her ear, unsure of whether she heard him or not, "whatever happens out there, here you are always very much loved."
After a while she stopped crying, and pulled her head back to face him. She was close, so very close, near enough for Jack just to lean forward, and kiss her....but he didn't. Doing it now, while she was still upset over the other guy wasn't a very sensitive thing to do. Instead he handed her a tissue.
"Thanks. Sorry, I've soaked your uniform."
"Well, it makes a change from blood."
She grinned. It was a weak, tear-stained grin, but it was a smile nonetheless. She took a deep breath, as if clearing all the anger and sorrow out of her system, and smiled properly. "Thank you for being here."
He stood up awkwardly, hands shoved deep into his pockets, as if he were trying to stop them reaching out to touch something he wasn't allowed to touch. "Well, what with you and the other Carter, I'm getting a lot of practice at this. So, anytime...." His voice trailed off, as he moved to the door.
"Sir?" she called, as he stood in the doorway. He turned to face her. "When you were talking before," she continued, "about being in love, but never saying anything, did you mean Sara, before you married her?"
Jack stared at her for a moment, at his young Major, his friend, the woman who'd just sobbed her heart out on his shoulder over another man, his beautiful, brilliant, forbidden love, and blinked. "Yes." he said. "I was talking about Sara."
The End.
Story Notes: SPOILERS; NEED.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]