CHAPTER ONE
'Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
I went walking the other day,
Everything was going fine,
I met a little boy named 'Jack O'Neill'
And then I almost lost my mind
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said
My eyes are wide open
But all that I can see is,
Chapel bells are callin' for everyone but-a me
but I don't worry cause
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said
And then she said someone will look at me
like I'm looking at you one day, then I might find
I don't want it any old way,
so I don't worry cause
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this Mama said
(Mama said, mama said)
Mama said there'll be days like this,
There'll be days like this my Mama said
Mama said, mama said
Hey! Don't you worry,
Mama said mama said
Hey! Don't you worry now.
Mama said mama said,
Hey! Hey!'
~*~
So much for early retirement:
Moon PXC-779
War was hell!
Goa'uld fire surrounded SG-1. Death gliders hammered the ground. The air was thick with dust and scorched earth. Jack swore they were back on that inferno moon, Eron!
Daniel on his right flank, Teal'c on his left and as always, Sam on Jack's six. Nothing like being outnumbered and out-maneuvered by freaking snakeheads!
Leaping off the boulder for cover, Jack turned and engaged the tensed expression of his 2IC before she wasted another Jaffa with her zat. Jack whirled and caught three more with his P90. Teal'c took out an incoming death glider with his staff weapon. Daniel fired at three approaching Jaffa on his left.
Trying to stay a live Jack's mind raced. It'd been two days since Sam's release from the Entity. That emergency call from General Hammond in the Gate Room had proven to be a distress signal from the Tok'ra. Jacob/Selmak and another Tok'ra had been captured by one of Apophis' under-lords. Well they managed to recover Jacob and escape by the skin of their teeth. Per usual, Dad had to fly off in the opposite direction of the universe. So Jacob dropped them off on a supposed uninhabited tropical moon with a gate. So much for that supposed part.
Of course Daniel had to snoop around. He was tickled fuchsia pink to find signs that the Knox might inhabit the moon. The linguist swore they were here somewhere. 'Yeah, right, Space Monkey. No bird nest hairdos to be found!'
They'd hiked in about six clicks from the gate when the Jaffa dropped in for an unsocial visit. Hosed in on all sides, it looked grim. Hopeless crossed his mind. Jack prayed hard between breathes.
A bluish white light pulsed around them. It was the third time Jack had noticed it, but with the enemy breathing down their necks it was not priority.
"Sir! Four at three O'clock!" Carter yelled.
Jack flipped onto his belly and fired at the advancing Jaffa. A death glider flew at them, firing. Teal'c's staff weapon made a direct hit. The glider collided with the granite wall that had kept them pinned down. Rocks and stones rumbled from hundreds of feet up the wall as an avalanche let loose, not to mention death glider wreckage. Shit!
Daniel and Teal'c bolted. Jack caught Sam and rolled. They cleared the falling debris that tumbled down the pass taking out a good share of the Jaffa below them like bowling pins. The blue-white light flickered again. Jack felt lightheaded but it quickly passed.
"You, kids, all right?" He pushed off of Carter and glanced around, swearing. He and Sam had suffered some scratches and bruises but otherwise they were okay.
"I am, O'Neill." Teal'c shoved to his feet, but looked disorientated. Jack noticed the Jaffa touch his pouch to check on Junior.
"Sure, fine, Jack. Hey'd you guys see that blue light again?"
"Indeed." Teal'c agreed.
Sam nodded.
Jack grunted.
"Wow look at this." Daniel's voice lilted with excitement.
"Not Now, Daniel!" Jack launched Sam to her feet, then caught up his P90 and inspected it. "This reprieve won't last. We've got to find cover."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Daniel pointed at a small cavity in the mountain about four yards off. "Looks like the entrance to a man made structure."
Jack glanced at the perfectly rectangle aperture and then glanced at Sam, who was already on the matter, toying with her instruments. "Carter?"
"Looks safe, sir, just got to check the-"She startled at the sound of more incoming death gliders and stuffed the telemetry equipment into her vest pocket.
They raced for the cave. A bluish white light glowed from inside the yawning cavern. No one hesitated running for it. If anything thing it seemed to beckon them. Jack's heart warmed and a peace that surpassed all understanding wrapped around him. This was their way out. This was their way home. 'Kansas, here we come!'
A death glider fired.
Teal'c halted and returned fire allowing his team time to escape into the cavern's light.
They did.
~*~
Jack, Daniel, and Sam escaped the Goa'uld search party and clambered into a low ceiling cavern that shut around them, sealing them in darkness.
Not a light in sight!
Crap!
"This sucks!" Jack tried to get his bearings. Why, oh why, hadn't he stayed retired?
"Sir, you here?"
Oh, yeah that's why. "Here, Carter, somewhere . . ." He reached out claiming stale air. "Teal'c?"
"He didn't make it." Sam said with regret.
"Dang!"
Someone sneezed.
"Daniel?"
"Jack?"
"Yeah. That you?"
"Yes."
"Watch the hands, Danny Boy!"
"That was so not me," Daniel defended.
"Umm, sorry, Colonel, that was me, sir."
"Oh that's different, Carter." He grinned.
"Hope so, sir."
"Seems to be a manmade rectangular stone structure." Daniel concluded in his scientist tone.
"With a magnetic field, which could explain why our equipment won't work and our zats won't fire, Colonel O'Neill, sir."
'What's with Carter? If she said sir or Colonel one more time I'm going to strangle her. Of course, I could just kiss her. Nope, can't do that either. Dang!'
"Look at it this way, people. If we can't get out, the Jaffa obviously can't get in."
"And that helps us how, sir?"
"Umm, we're alive?"
"True, Colonel, sir." She conceded none too enthusiastically.
Jack tried to find something else to be grateful about. "Well, not being seen or seeing anything is sort of cool." Which, he admitted to have thought when they had been scrambling for cover.
"Speak for yourself, Jack," Daniel muttered, crawling about swearing and not in English.
"I am." Jack eased up along his 2IC, their arms and thighs brushing. Jack enjoyed the brief contact. As much as he wanted to hold her, he resisted. Even in the darkness the blasted regs taunted him. And then he started worrying about Teal'c. He wished that the brave warrior were safe and alive.
"For one, I don't like the dark," Daniel griped.
"Afraid of the bogyman, Daniel?"
Jack received Sam's elbow.
"Ow! What?" he whispered.
"Touchy subject, sir," she answered softly.
'Oh,' he mouthed and nodded before remembering she couldn't see him.
Daniel however didn't let it go. "After my parents died, the so called bogyman visited me a lot and might I add, he was not so much scary as annoying. A lot like you Jack. Loud, cranky, but with combable hair and rotten breath."
"I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere."
"Don't dig too deep." Daniel snipped.
"A bit testy are we?"
Daniel muttered something Jack decided was not nice.
"So you okay, Carter?"
"Considering the alternative of being blasted by staff weapons, yes." She dropped her head against his shoulder and sighed. "Hope Teal'c's alright."
"Yeah, me too." Jack scrubbed his face and groaned at his incompetence. He should have been on Teal'c's six. Damn, he hated leaving someone behind, especially Teal'c. This was Jack's fault! Why hadn't he noticed? Because was watching Sam's six!
"Wish I knew what happened to the doorway, sir."
"Hey, Daniel, you're our brilliant archeologist and linguist."
"Your point, Jack?"
"Get us out of here!"
"Jack, if you haven't noticed, like you and Sam, I'm blind as a bat and I can't find any raised inscriptions on these walls to decipher."
"In other words, you don't know?"
"Gee, ya think?"
"Don't patronize me, Daniel."
"Someone has to."
"Arguing will not get us out of here, boys."
"Boys?" Jack's CO bravado kicked in.
"Well, Colonel, sir, that's how you're both acting and if Teal'c were here, he'd agree."
"Yes. Geez, I wonder where Teal'c's at."
"Obviously not here, Jack."
"Know that."
"I'm sure he's okay, sir."
Jack sighed and cursed himself.
"Ditto." Daniel added.
A long unsettled silence fell between them. Jack hoped that a Goa'uld had not captured his warrior brother.
"Hey, there's fresh air blowing in from overhead." Sam observed with a snappish voice.
Jack had been aware that since they'd gated this morning, Sam had been more tense then usual. Tense however was a given for his 2IC along with mentally preoccupied. What had been more apparent was her standoffish behavior. He sensed she was over compensating for their personal involvement, especially after the Entity incident. Which explained her overkill of formal address. There'd been no intimate contact between them since that morning in Hammond's office. Jack was actually surprised her head was on his shoulder but he sure wasn't going to kick her off.
Of course the fact that his 2IC had also misread her instruments and they were in this godforsaken hole, probably hadn't helped. Yeah, everyone made mistakes, but this was so not Carter. He knew it was eating her and when they got back to the SGC he'd have to address it. He suspected her inadequate downtime after the Entity incident a major contribution. Maybe they'd go fishing. Yeah right! In his dreams!
When Sam lifted her head Jack cursed his misfortune. Like Sam, he knew even that act had been inappropriate. No doubt, his head was in charge and it wasn't the one attached to his neck.
Once again, his mind was in the cookie jar. He envisioned Sam's beautiful firm breasts, her long, shapely legs. Yeah those legs drove him absolutely bonkers. And then her thighs and oh yeah, he thought way too much about the rest of her anatomy. Was it getting hot in here! He imagined his wife beneath him as he caressed her and brought her to-
"Holy Hannah!"
"Carter?"
"I'm-fine, sir." Sam gulped for air and gripped his right thigh.
"Sure?" He squinted at her, but saw only black. Her nails dug deeper. Geez! Carter was clutching his upper thigh near his-
"Where and how that air is venting through is the million dollar question." Daniel interrupted their tensed silent exchange.
"Yep," was all Jack could choke out as he yanked his mind out of the gutter and back to their predicament. They were stuck in a freaking cave. "Hey, we've been in worse situations before, right?"
"It's all relative, sir," she sounded calmer.
So not the answer he was looking for. "Okay then, let's each take a wall."
"And do what?" Daniel collapsed somewhere nearby.
"Decide which one to blow with C4?" Sam's fingers were stroking upward and inward. Wow! He should stop her but his other talking head said no way!
"Area's too small, sir. Depending on what these walls are made of, we'd either go deaf or explode with it," Sam said in gasps, as if panting.
"Fine. Then let's feel our way out." Speaking of feeling. Sam had stopped caressing him. Jack was deciding if that was a good or bad thing.
"Man, oh man, sir!"
"Now what?"
"You're groping me!" Yep she was breathless.
"I so don't want to hear this," Daniel chimed in.
"Hey, Major, loved to take credit, but got one hand on my knee and the other here." He reached out and patted her shoulder. And just who's groping who?' he wanted to ask.
"Daniel!" she accused.
"Heck, no. He'd kill me!"
"Got that right!"
"Holy Hannah, then who-?"
"Carter?" Jack clutched air.
"Sam? Jack?"
"She's gone!"
"How ya know?"
"Because I just had my arm around her and she vanished." A long cold silence ensued while Jack crawled around the tight, dark, grotto searching for Carter.
Daniel did the same.
Jack's knees rebelled. He'd slammed his head against the low ceiling. "Ah, crap! So, find anything?" He rubbed his aching crown.
"No. Um, Jack?"
"What?"
"Are you breathing heavy right now?"
"No."
"Please tell me you didn't gargle with mouthwash this morning?"
"Did."
"Didn't?"
"Did!"
"Shit!"
"My breath?"
"It's . . ." Daniel made an audible gulp.
"What?"
"Whatever it is that just breathed on me has shitty breath."
"Argh!"
"Jack?"
"Daniel?"
"We're screwed aren't we?"
"Ya think?" ~*~
CHAPTER TWO
'Be careful what you wish for . . .'
~*~
Other than the fact she was now alone, Sam remained in darkness. A moment ago, she had been being groped by who she'd assumed was the Colonel. Which was really strange because that's what she'd been fantasying. Jack intimately touching her, kissing her, and making her-Whoops! And then her military code of ethics reared its ugly head and she'd needed to be away from him, out of there, pronto. That's when she'd accused her CO of well, you know. How embarrassing! He'd never do that on duty.
So whose hand had been down her shirt and the other hand literally in her pants? And just when she questioned who or what she was soaring upward then dropped firmly but gently on her butt. She'd gone hoarse calling for Jack, Daniel and Teal'c. At least this compartment was big enough she could stand upright and a ventilation system overhead delivered heat and fresh air.
SG-1's imprisonment in this stupid complex was her fault. Despite being chased by the Goa'uld, she'd been distracted being with the man she loved. Otherwise, she'd have seriously checked her telemetry readings and seen the magnetic field before they hightailed it inside.
She could still hear Jack muttering, "Good one, Carter!" Of course he had been aware he'd said it, but he'd been right. It was her mistake they were in this hole of a mess and she was on a major culpability trip. Sam was not used to screwing up, let alone endangering her team.
Sam sensed she was being watched. Several times she'd called out, but no one answered. Finally, when she'd had no choice but to squat in a corner to relieve herself, Sam was transported onto what felt like a toilet and just in time. Beyond modesty, she let nature take its course.
Light would be nice. At least enough to see where she was and what she was doing. And then there was light! Sam jolted and rubbed her eyes. She could see and discern she was inside another solid walled room, but with a toilet in the corner.
Okay, she admitted she'd started thinking God was messing with her. It wouldn't be the first time He'd done something extreme to get her attention. And yet she felt this weirdly alien influence. Weird didn't describe what was happening. It seemed whatever or whoever her jailer was, could read her mind. An hour later, Sam was still scared, curious, but most of all missing Jack. She wondered if he and Daniel were all right, wondered if Teal'c had escaped the Jaffa. Sam feared to think about what the Goa'uld would do to Teal'c. Better to think of something else. So she started to do what she did too much of, think.
Jack and Sam.
Jack and I.
Jack and me.
Jack, Jack, Jack! It was like she couldn't think about anything else, but Jack. Not even, about how to get the out of this dang black box.
Colonel, Sir! Man oh man, how she hated those titles! Jack hated them more when they babbled out of her mouth every other sentence. She wasn't a green horn lieutenant let alone a captain anymore. She was his 2IC and he'd cut her slack on address to show his respect and friendship. She knew he was annoyed less than an hour after they'd gated yesterday.
"You got a warped fixation with titles, Carter?" He'd grumbled.
"No, Colonel O'Neill, sir." She saluted before she could stop herself.
"Argh!" He'd stomped off spewing profanities she'd never heard, even from him.
Not to mention that once they'd rescued Dad, she got worse and went out of her way to stay clear of Jack. Sam spent every moment with Dad. Fortunately Dad didn't mind. Like that was a revelation. Sam couldn't help it. She had to keep things in perspective especially the fact Jack was her CO and as usual she'd overcompensated. And so Sam kept thinking. The force shield on Apophis' ship, the Zat'arc test, mind-stamped, and then being possessed by the Entity. Lately, everything came back to her and Jack. Sam thought about their dysfunctional love affair and wedding vows on Chulak, vows never consummated. Well least not to neither one's sworn knowledge.
Yet her heart and gut instinct told her otherwise. There'd been definite physical evidence she'd not shared with Jack. So why hadn't she? Because she'd seen the relief in his chocolate eyes when she'd said she didn't think they had. Because their military mindset insisted they would not break the regulations, no matter how drugged they'd been. Who was she kidding? No matter how manipulative, Jack had retired so they could make love guilt free. Guilt free? Yeah right! Their hearts and bodies continued to feel differently. The heart never lies.
So when did Doctor Major Samantha Carter take a back seat? Not that it was a bad thing, mind you. No it was wonderful, exhilarating, inebriating, liberating and a big, big, nasty distraction. The very reason they were stuck in this-this, whatever it was. Hellhole!
Yesiree, Sam's heart was steering the helm instead of her head and she didn't like it. Two nights before in Jack's arms, logic had flown the coup when she'd willingly, wantonly tried to seduce him. And had she known he'd been retired she would not have fallen asleep on the job. She'd made certain she was Jack's wife in the biblical aspect. And this time they'd have remembered every detail including that wondrous moment when they'd joined as one.
"And now what do you have, Carter?" She slammed her boot against a wall. "You sort of got a husband, sort of got your Colonel back, and you're miserable because you don't have the complete package with a money back guarantee.
"Oh, you put on a good bitchy front threatening to leave him and the SGC if he'd resigned. Yeah, right. And he bought it hook, line and sinker. No wonder he never catches any fish. And then you convinced him that you can be ma'am and he can be sir for however long this godforsaken Goa'uld war lasts. Which could be a decade or more! Are you willing to wait that long, Sam? Is he? And what about now? Do you play footsy under the commissary table, steal an occasional hug or kiss for another long suffering four or more years? Do you verbally make love over an alien Walkie-Talkie at night and during the day act like he's just your CO to the world?
"Heck, Samantha, he is your world!"
Sam couldn't believe it. She was crying. Crying with rage at the hand of cards fate had dealt them. Then again, Jack didn't believe in fate. Nope, it was all about free will and individual choices. So what were their choices? Jack's willing to retire and has been since that first Abydos mission. Yet wherever he and Daniel were, wondering where she was, Jack was having the adrenaline rush of his life. Just like her, that man thrived on stepping through the gate, never knowing what awaited them. His life had always been fast and dangerous and there was no reason she'd make him give that up, because of her petty need to be his lover and wife.
So what was she willing to give up to be with Jack? Stay behind and become the SGC in-house doctor of astrophysics? She could do that. But would she be happy with Jack out here and her there? No! She thrived on the action as much as he did and even more, she needed to be where ever he was. Needed to know he was all right. Why did it have to be so conflicting? Why couldn't they have both?
Sometimes, like now she wished she hadn't fallen in love with Jack at least not until later down the road. And yet she could not remember a day when she hadn't loved him. Every since the first time she'd heard his voice in their Black Ops days, she'd known the owner of that irreverent mouth would be her personal future. She could not imagine anyone else. Didn't want to. And yet this tiny voice in the back of her logical, military head wanted things the way they had been before she thought of the Colonel as Jack. When her personal feelings for the Colonel were locked away in a corner of her heart, where she only visited him alone at night in her dreams. When her career came first, when she didn't make life-threatening mistakes like she'd made today. Swiping at her tears, Sam curled up on the hard cold floor. Bed would be nice about now.
She blinked and stiffened. She was lying on a bed and not just any bed. Jack's bed! Sam bolted upright. In the illustrious words of her husband, this was wrong on so many levels!
"Okay!" She pushed to her feet and yelled out. "Enough fun and games. Who are you and what do you want from me?"
"Your happiness," came a reply that sounded like her voice.
"I am happy!"
"You deserve more."
"I don't think so!"
"Well, it is your life and your happiness we are discussing."
"Yes it is and I'll be a whole lot happier if you get me out of this stinking hole and back with my team members and then back home!"
"Is that all you require, Samantha Carter?"
"Is this a rhetorical question?" She mimicked Jack.
"Only if you want it to be."
"Oh, for crying out loud! As you seem to know what I want, why don't you just make it happen?"
"That is your choice to make, Samantha Jean Carter-O'Neill."
"Then I chose it now!"
~*~
"What the h-" Jack never got the words out of his mouth. One minute he was contemplating how to get out of the stupid cave and the next he was flying through the event horizon. When he came through the gate it was not on his feet. Hitting the ramp at full velocity, he bounced, rolled, landing face-up, on his aching back, facing the stunned expression of his CO.
"I hate when this happens!" He winced at Hammond.
General Hammond reached to help Jack up to his feet. "You all right, Colonel?"
"Just peachy, sir." Jack glanced back to find Sam nowhere in sight.
Daniel and Teal'c followed and rolled toward him with mutual grunts of pain and surprise.
"Close the Iris and get a medical team here, stat!" Hammond ordered. "Where's Major Carter?"
Sam flew out of the gate so fast it was like she'd been shot from a cannon. When she hit the ramp she went over the rail crashing onto the concrete floor and slamming the back of her head.
Jack was first to her side. "Carter!" Dropping to his knees he found her unconscious. Daniel and Teal'c followed. Daniel flexing his shoulder, Teal'c looking confused.
Janet ran up behind Jack. "Out of my way, sir!" She leaned over to examine Sam. "Get her on a gurney and to the infirmary ASAP!" She shouted to two medics.
"Is she all right?" Jack's memory replayed when he'd shot her five days before.
"Don't know, sir. She landed hard. Could be a broken neck or skull fracture." The doc secured Sam's neck and head in a Philadelphia collar before transporting her.
"Geez!" He shook his head and touched Sam's face. "Hang in there, Sam!"
"She can't hear you, Jack," Daniel explained.
Jack shot Daniel a shut the 'FX$%! up' look.
Daniel grimaced and nodded.
A moment later they were whisking Sam off to the infirmary. Jack followed and never looked back.
Hammond watched his 2IC leave with the Major then turned to Daniel and Teal'c. "So either of you care explain what the hell happened and why you were twelve hours overdue?"
"I was captured by Apophis' Jaffa and imprisoned on his ship. Suddenly I was coming through the gate," explained Teal'c.
Daniel rubbed his aching shoulder. "Similar, sir. Jack, Sam, and I were enclosed in a . . ."
Waving his hand, Hammond turned candy apple red. "I want a briefing in my office in twenty minutes and make sure the Colonel is there. Dismissed!" He walked away angrily.
"Wow. Does he seem a little tense, Teal'c?"
"Indeed." Teal'c frowned.
Daniel frowned. "Yeah, well let's go find out how Sam's doing."
Teal'c nodded and the two men hurried out the Gate Room.
~*~
CHAPTER FOUR
~*~
Hammond didn't can Jack or accept his resignation, but he did say there would be changes. Jack didn't need it spelled out. He or Sam would be reassigned. Jack insisted he was officially retired. He and Hammond were at a standoff. At this point he didn't give a rat's ass. His only concern was that Sam fully recovered.
His second apology to Fraiser was sincere and accepted, but he doubted the petite doctor would ever look at him the same. Jack deeply regretted that. He'd been undisciplined and had threatened another officer, let alone a physician who outranked him when it came to medical issues. It was amazing she even let Jack in the infirmary. Far worse, he thought that dark side from his past was long buried. The fact it had resurfaced scared the shit out of him.
Sam's condition remained critical but stable for five more days. When Fraiser considered moving Sam to the base hospital, Jack protested. So did Hammond. Janet gave in. Jack never left Sam's side except to shower and grab a few catnaps. He lost ten pounds and found himself on Fraiser's observation list. The day Sam came off life support and was upgraded to serious but stable, Janet ordered Jack to sleep and to regain the weight or he wouldn't be allowed to see Sam. Meanwhile they'd devised a round the clock sit and talk to Sam routine.
Daniel and Teal'c alternated, but the last time Daniel showed and tried to talk to Jack about the Entity, Jack verbally kicked him out. Right now, he wanted nothing better than excuse to knock Daniel's light out.
Cassie came when she could, which was at least once a day. Jack realized if it wasn't for Cassie's unconditional love and support, he'd have lost it.
~*~
Dozing, his hand on Sam's motionless right forearm, Jack reacted instinctively to the firm grip on his shoulder. He yanked the body attached to the hand roughly in front of him.
"Dad?"
"Geez, Cass!" He released her. "Sorry." He rubbed his tired eyes.
"Hey, understand." She bent and kissed his blue shadowed cheek. Jack pulled her into him and settled her on his lap. "Uncle Daniel warned me about the risk of waking you." She grinned.
"So how's, my best girl, today?" He hugged tight, smoothing her golden brown hair, that would have matched his own in his younger years.
"Good. But breakable." She grimaced at his selfish backbreaking embrace.
"Oh." He let go. "Sorry." He'd been saying that a lot of late.
"Don't be." She took one of his arms and linked it back around her waist. "The day you stop hugging or wanting me to sit on your lap, I'll become one cantankerous, incorrigible kid."
"Don't want that now." He chided smiling into her cute face and musing how much she'd picked up from Sam, including her three-syllable plus vocabulary.
"Nope."
Jack realized the teen knew how serious Sam's condition was this time. When she'd learned that she'd never been told about the Entity matter until after the fact, Janet paid dearly, as did Jack and the rest of the team. So here she was and he was glad, especially if things turned worse again. The last thing anyone needed was for Cassie to not be involved. Cassie was family. Cassie was Jack's other girl.
Reaching up Cassandra trailed her fingertips over Jack's drawn features. "Holy Hannah, have you looked in the mirror, lately?" She lisped slightly and scowled.
"No more than I have too, Sunshine."
"Well, ya look awful. One more bag under those brown eyes and I'll be able to move in, you know."
"That bad, huh?"
Cassie nodded. "Dad, you're not doing Sam any good if you keep this up. She needs you to be strong when she comes around."
Jack stiffened. "Think so, huh?" He meant Sam coming around, but knew she meant him.
"Know so." She glanced up at the security camera, then at the observation booth and stuck her tongue out at the nurse. The nurse rolled her eyes and returned to her paperwork.
"And this Colonel wants his 2IC back in one piece. Hard to wallop Goa'uld without her watching my six, Cass. "
Nodding, Cassie looked into his eyes and smiled softly. "I know." Dang, was he that transparent?
She glanced at the security camera. "So like can they turn off that Big Brother and give you two some privacy?"
"This is a military infirmary, Cass. Privacy's not on the accommodation's list."
"Well that sucks."
"Hey, hey, watch the mouth, young lady."
"Hey, hey," she teased, "I learn from the best."
"Well there's that." He chuckled and then glanced back at Sam's pasty countenance and frowned. The constant whooshing noise of the ventilator broke the moment of reprieve. He held Cassie tighter and rested his chin on her shoulder.
"Now you get some rest?" Cassie kissed his head and then slipped from his arms and motioned him out of the chair. He didn't budge. "Mom and I are going to walk down memory lane together, okay?"
Standing, Jack stiffened and looked into Cassie brown eyes. This was a first! "Why did you call her that, Cass?" He glanced around to make certain Janet wasn't in hearing range. It would kill the doc.
Cassie shrugged and faced him. "Don't know. I guess," tears warmed her eyes and she leaned into Jack and held tight whispering. "Coz, that's how I've always felt. I can call you, Dad, but I can't call Sam what I've felt since the day she rescued me. Yeah, we've talked this out before. I know Janet loves me and I love her too. She's great, really. And it's not like she doesn't know how I feel about you two. She does and she's okay with it. I feel a bond with you and Sam that I can't explain. And the older I get the stronger it becomes. Sometimes to a point it hurts to not be with you guys."
Jack held on and rocked the sobbing girl. He knew exactly what Cassie meant. It'd been there since that first day for him too and he knew Sam felt the same. He also felt the void when Cassie wasn't around. It was like a part of him was missing. And yeah, they'd had this discussion after he and Sam got married on Chulak. And here it was again. He wanted to say something, but all he could whisper was, "I love you, Cass. So does Sam. When you turn eighteen we can maybe work this out. For now you belong with Janet," his tone was firm, holding no leeway.
"I know." Cassie smeared her wet nose against his shirt collar.
Jack held onto her like a lifeline. The bond they shared was as powerful as what he'd shared with Charlie, in some ways even stronger. Just like Sam, Cassie was an intricate part of Jack O'Neill. Although, he'd never admit it to anyone even Sam when he wasn't thinking about her, he pondered Cassandra. How her day was going. Had she eaten more than Fruit Loops, taken her vitamins? Was she doing her homework, did she still have a crush on that boy, crap, what was his freaking name? And just how was Jack going to deal with her dating which she begged to do now. And so the daily parental concerns wore down his heart and mind. Even now, sitting with Sam on the edge of death, he'd been thinking about Cassie, fearing how she'd react if Sam died. Yeah, no matter that Janet was Cassie's legal parent, Jack remained her dad and always would be.
"So, you, going to be all right, Sunshine?" He gently swiped the back of his hand against her wet eyes and smiled down at her.
"For sure. And you, Dad?"
"Yeah sure yabetcha. I'll get some coffee." He motioned to stand.
"You'll take a nap and then catch up on your paperwork." She sounded like Janet.
"Don't have paperwork. I resigned." He gestured to the civvies he was wearing.
"Well that's yet to be decided." She said softer, "You can't jump ship, Dad. But your life mate, here won't let you."
Jack froze.
Leaning into him, she whispered in a conspirator's tone, "Your secret's safe with me. You two are forever okay."
Startled, Jack gazed wide-eyed at the young woman. "How'd you-?"
Cassie shrugged. "I know it's weird, but sometimes I think I can hear your thoughts," she purposely kept her voice low and avoided his scrutinizing stare.
"Oy! Don't go psycho on me, Cass."
"Didn't mean too. But I'm serious and don't tell Sam. I sense things between you and her. Actually I saw it the moment you two rescued me. Especially the day you bought me Squeaker. Kids see a lot more than you adults think."
"Ain't that the truth." He frowned, wondering what else Cassie knew or sensed.
"Sometimes it's words like forever okay, which I assume means you love each other forever. Am I right?"
Jack gulped. Dang, the girl could read his thoughts. He nodded before realizing what that nod meant. "Yeah. Guess so."
"Well, I know so." She winked and kissed his forehead.
"Maybe it's the Naquadah you and Sam share." Jack had scrambled for a plausible explanation.
"Considered that. But-"
"What?" his tone was hushed, not wanting their conversation to be recorded.
"When Sam took me to that vault to die. . ." her voice quavered. "Before she got on the elevator you argued saying it was your job to take me down there."
"You were asleep."
"I faked it."
"Oh." He winced.
"Dad, I felt your protectiveness and love for me, it was overwhelming. It equaled Sam's and then some. And yet you allowed her to take me down."
"She wanted it more than ever, Cass. I couldn't say no."
"I know. You can never say no to her." She put her head on his chest and gazed at Sam. "When she came back to be with me, I'd heard you calling out to her in my head, telling her how much you loved her and couldn't live if she died, if we died. I then heard you praying for God to protect and save us. You'd called me your daughter."
Jack went rigid. He'd barely recalled that absurd declaration, but he had indeed for a moment thought of Cassandra as his own. Why he'd never know, but it had been there in his face as if some buried treasure had been revealed.
Cassandra lifted her head and taking his hand in hers placed them both over Sam's left hand. "I don't know what Nirrti did to me, Dad, but I do know the three of us are somehow linked. And God willing, maybe someday we'll find out how, huh?"
Jack dared not voice his suspicions. After all, they were wacko and impossible at best. Except for some nightmares of a crying infant, Jack had no recollection of ever having seen or thought of Cassandra before the day they'd rescued her. But since then she'd become a part of the sum that made him whole. "Yeah, maybe someday." He hedged a weary smile and squeezed her hand.
Cassie nodded. "Furthermore, Sam did beat that Entity thingy so she can beat a concussion too."
Jack forced a smile. "Hope you're right, Sunshine. Yeah."
~*~
Day seven:
Jack sat in his chair, his head propped on his right hand, dozing. In his daydream, Sam was nestled in his arms nuzzling his jaw and whispering-
"Sirrr?" her voice was weak but audible. The best sound Jack had heard in a week. Unfortunately it wasn't what he wanted to hear.
"Excuse me?" He hoped she'd call him Jack.
"Colonel, sir." She looked confused as she blinked at him.
"No need for overkill, Carter." He leaned over and stroked her arm. "I'm retired. Name's Jack. In fact you can call me hubby, sweetie pie, honey, if ya want." He chuckled lightly.
"Sir?" She gaped through her hazy cloud. "Why?"
Why? Huh!! He stared and then remembered she might have memory loss. "Because of us, Sam." He gestured to her and pulled his chair closer, so he could touch her. He glanced up at the security camera that had an accident yesterday and had yet to be fixed. The observation booth was also clear, had been for days. He reached into his pocket and held up her wedding band. "Because of this."
"Sorry. . . Confused-really tired." Sam closed her eyes and sighed out.
"Yes, well a massive concussion tends to disorientate a person." Jack eased Sam's blue diamond ring onto her finger and then gazed at his wedding band he'd worn since the day he'd resigned. It was no holds bard far as he as concerned.
Jack interlaced his fingers in hers and he squeezed gently. His intimate touch caused her eyes to open again. She stared at him and then down to where he held her hand, while his free hand caressed her cheek. Her eyes widened as they took in the generous diamond gracing her ring finger.
"I don't understand, Colonel. What do you mean because of us?"
Jack felt a knife slice in his heart. "We're a couple, Sam." His fingers left her face.
"A couple?" She shook her head and tried to sit up, then slumped back down. Closing her eyes she licked her dry cracked lips.
"Yep." Jack drew a breath of resolve. Lifting the water glass he held the straw to her lips and let her drink.
"Thank you." She nodded as he set the glass down. He then took the lip-gloss off the bed stand and applying it gently to her chapped lips. Sam stiffened at his intimate touch.
"Like I was saying we're involved, very involved." He leaned over trying to get beyond the confusion he saw in her pained face, in her clouded blue eyes. "As in . . . in love, married on Chulak . . .husband and wife, but only Daniel and Teal'c know."
Her blue eyes expanded with disbelief. "You're joking, Colonel? Or am I in an alternate universe?"
"Nope." He got frustrated. "You're in our universe, Sam. You are on earth at the SGC in the infirmary. Good old USA. And I resigned for good eight days ago, twice in fact!"
"For me?"
"For us."
"With all due respect, sir. That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard. Furthermore, I don't feel that way about you." She proceeded to remove the wedding ring and hand it back to him.
Gaping, Jack's eyes almost popped out of his head as he took the ring and held it tight.
"I mean I care a lot about you, love you like a friend, and even admit we've chemistry between us to the extent we flirt way more than we should. But I'm not in love with you, sir. I mean that's against the regs and goes against everything I believe as an officer of the United State Air Force!" She exhaled a weary sigh. "Now if you don't mind, I'm beat." She closed her eyes. "And I'm hoping when I wake up, this entire conversation will have been a bad dream, Colonel."
Her cool tone and insinuation was undeniable. She was telling him to leave. Shoo! Get lost! Hit the road, Jack! If he had been shot with a staff weapon it couldn't have been any more painful or real. Sam had forgotten, them.
"If you say so, Major." Numb, he pushed back his chair and stood. "We can talk later, when you've regained your memory and senses."
Her lip trembled a bit, before she looked back at him. "Sir, I'm sorry, if anything I've said or done in the past made you think my feelings for you were stronger than they are. I'd never do anything to jeopardize either of our careers. And the last thing I need is to hear you've resigned because of it. More than anything, I need you to be my CO, Colonel. So for our sakes and that of SG-1, don't resign?"
"Don't worry, Carter, whatever decision I make will be in everyone's best interest. Now you get some rest and after you're out of here, I'll buy you cake."
"Cake?"
He scowled. "You do still like double chocolate cake with butter cream frosting?"
"Love it, sir."
"Excellent." But his mouth refused to lift into a smile. Turning, Jack stalked out of the infirmary. Soon as he'd rounded the corner, he slammed his fist into the wall and cracked the plaster. "Ow! What the hell!" And hit it one more time for good measure.
Twenty minutes he sat in Janet's office, with Daniel and Teal'c flanking him while Janet bandaged his bleeding bruised knuckles.
"Doc, she doesn't recognize us."
"Excuse me, Jack, but she know all of us, even you." Daniel insisted.
"No she doesn't!"
Janet taped the bandage and frowned. "Sir, I think what Daniel's trying to say, is for whatever reason, Sam no longer remembers you as anymore than her CO and that you share a mutual attraction, which she is trying to keep inline."
"Ah, you mean she has selective memory?"
"Something like that, yes." Janet shrugged. "Until I run further tests I can't say for sure. I don't know what happened while you were separated. Obviously, something traumatic."
"Traumatic doesn't begin to describe it." He winced when he tried to flex his left hand.
"This could indeed be for the best, O'Neill." Teal'c inserted with a blank look.
"Why?" Jack groused at the Jaffa.
"If the Major has no recall of the past personal events that involve the two of you, then you will not have to resign nor will Major Carter have to be reassigned."
"True, she hasn't forgotten any of the SG-1's missions." Daniel pursed his lips. "I drilled her pretty hard. She remembers everything."
"What about the Zatarcy test?" Jack looked from one man to the other, then to Doc.
"Well, that was a bit fuzzy." Janet expounded. "She recalls you admitting you cared more than you should, but her similar response about her feelings for you were diluted-a lot."
"Diluted?" Jack scrunched his face.
"It means . . ." Daniel interrupted.
"I know what it means, Danny." Jack shook his head. "Physical attraction, nothing more."
Janet sighed. "I don't know what to say. It'd be interesting to find out how she'll react to Cassie or Jacob."
"That's different," Jack mumbled.
Janet looked up. "Sir, we don't know . . ."
"Her memory will be fine with Cass and Jacob. They aren't a threat to her career. I am."
"Wow!" Daniel nodded. "You've got a point, Jack."
"Tell me about it." Jack squared his aching shoulders and turned to Janet. "Just fix her will ya?"
"Can't fix what I don't understand, Colonel."
"So you've said, Doc." He turned on his heel and left.
~*~
CHAPTER FIVE
~*~
Next Morning: 0840: Briefing Room
"Let me get straight." Jack scratched jaw. "That cave we crawled into was built by the Ancients."
"Exactly!" Daniel explained with more enthusiasm than a kid with his first ice-cream cone.
"And?" Jack prompted him, drumming his fingers against the table in annoyance.
"I've yet to determine their purpose behind it, but it adapts to our individual needs, fears and desires."
"So we all needed to be somewhere the Goa'uld couldn't find us?"
"Yes!" Daniel grinned. "Which we all were hoping for, and somewhere in that scenario, one of us thought if we couldn't get out, they couldn't get in."
"That would be me." Jack declared with a grin and then realized the implication of that thought. Whoops!
"Oh, right. So we can also thank you for the quote, 'Kinda nice not being able to see anything,' wish too," Daniel groused.
Hammond's brows vanished into his scalp.
Yikes! Jack cringed. "How was I to know it would really happen?" He flipped the conversation to Daniel. "So still seeing the bogyman?"
Daniel dropped his blue gaze and blushed.
Confused, Hammond looked at him. "Bogyman? Doctor Jackson?"
"Well, uh, yes. . . I have, but he's just plain irritating. Keeps raiding my frig and watches reruns of the Simpsons."
Janet and Teal'c looked at each other and grinned.
"Colonel?"
"Hey, I'm only responsible for the not getting out and blind as a bat part."
"Then I assume you all wished to get out at the same time?" Hammond observed.
They shrugged.
"Must have or else we wouldn't be here," Daniel offered, sipping coffee.
"Indeed." Teal'c nodded.
"I think it was Carter," Jack stated.
They looked at him.
He fidgeted. "Well . . .she got separated from Daniel and myself."
Daniel opened his mouth then closed it.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Daniel?"
"Jack?"
"Enough!" Hammond seemed frustrated. "As unorthodox as this briefing is, the fact remains that Major Carter's lack of memory regarding personal issues was caused by her concussion correct, Doctor Fraiser?"
Jack swallowed hard when he realized that Daniel, Teal'c, and Janet knew the General knew everything. Well this royally sucks! Jack wondered if Daniel had betrayed him and Sam and told Hammond and Fraiser about their marriage. Hell, just court-marshal me and get it over with, he inwardly groaned.
"So it would seem, sir." She glanced at Jack and then looked down at her report.
"And besides Doctor Jackson's annoying bogyman, we agree we are not facing any immediate threat from this incident on PXC-779."
"None that I can see." Janet accessed. "I would however like to bring Doctor McKenzie in on the matter. I'm not fully convinced Major Carter is suffering from a physical trauma."
Jack groaned.
"Colonel?" Janet glanced over.
"Look, Doc, I realize I'm retired . . ."
"Not according to my records, Colonel." Hammond pushed.
"A matter of opinion, George."
"Sirs!" Janet stood up. "With all due respect, I'd like to know why Colonel O'Neill doesn't want Major Carter referred for psychiatric observation?"
"Oh, for crying out loud, Fraiser! Why don't we just take out a billboard and advertise that Major Carter and I have broken the damn regs and haul us up on insubordinations charges like you've wanted to all along!"
Janet gawked.
"Enough people!" Hammond shouted.
"Colonel! I never. Sam's my best friend and I thought you were too. Despite the fact I believe in upholding the regs. I know you two care about each other and I would never do anything to jeopardize either one of your careers! But the fact remains that such emotional involvement can and have as we've seen from this incident, conflict with judgment calls, and life and death decisions made in the field."
"Whatever!" Jack no longer cared. "If you drag McKenzie into this matter, it will be recorded and land in the NID's lap. They'll shut the SGC down faster than you can spell crap!"
George sighed. "The Colonel has a point, Doctor. Let's keep this in house for now. Do whatever you can as far as testing Major Carter in the infirmary."
"I'm not a psychiatrist, sir." Janet sighed her frustration.
"Then I suggest you take some quick courses, Doctor."
Nodding, Janet sat down and glared at Jack. He'd done it again. His anger got the best of him. Of course, she wouldn't hurt Sam or him, let alone their careers. Dang, why had he said that? What was happening to him? Why had he slammed his fist into a wall? Why did he feel like he had after Charlie had died? Why was thinking about ending it all?
"General Hammond," Janet said more quietly. "In all honesty, Major Carter can be released today."
"You don't want to keep her for observation?" Daniel grimaced.
"We're not going to notice much with her confined to her bed. The best testing ground is normal interaction and routine, it's just I . . ." She made a quick glance at Jack then at Hammond.
"Out with it, Doctor." George appeared peeved.
"Well, when a person forgets something as important as a personal relationship, there is a tendency that it will affect other things."
"Such as?" Jack looked up from his doodling.
"We don't know, sir. It could be something as simple as what her favorite food is or something as important as how to dial the DHL. It's usually a domino affect. For every affect there is an effect."
Jack made a face. That one he understood. "So the sooner we can get the Major to remember what she's forgotten, the sooner she'll recover?"
"I wish it was that easy, Colonel. We still don't know if her memory loss was caused by the Ancient's device or a result of the concussion. It's all speculation. However, I think she needs to actively be part of SG-1 and involved in what you call, safe routine missions."
"Good then. I've got just such a mission. In fact, Colonel, it was on your desk a week ago."
"It was." Jack was still absorbing the fact that doc expected Sam to go on a mission. Now!
"Jack, I want SG-1 to engage in the diplomatic meetings with the Tok´ra on Wednesday."
"Excuse me!" Red faced, he shoved to his feet. "You expect us to go waltzing off to another, 'Let's kiss the Tok'ra's ass's party,' while Carter's not Carter!"
"I understand your concerns, Colonel, but this meeting was to have already happened. Their high council requested SG-1 specifically. And if Doctor Fraiser is satisfied with Major Carter's recovery, then-"
"Are you nuts? Wacko?" Jack slammed his good fist on the table. "And did I mention you're all nuts?"
"Stand down, Colonel!"
"Like hell I will! I'm not going anywhere and neither is Carter until she's-"
"She's what, Jack?" Daniel asked calmly. "In love with you again?"
Jack blanched and glanced around the table of officers and friends.
Hammond groaned but didn't falter in his wide-eyed expression. George knew that was the issue.
Janet shook her head and looked at her hands with high color in her cheeks. Teal'c raised a brow and offered his version of pity and Daniel . . .Daniel the big mouth diplomat was flinching and cleaning his glasses.
"In my office, Colonel, now!" George turned from the table.
"Screw you, George! Hell, screw you all! I am resigned, remember!" Jack stomped off expecting a dozen SF's to greet him as he left the mountain.
They didn't.
~*~
Crap. He couldn't believe he'd told his CO to screw himself. Couldn't believe he wasn't sitting in a holding cell or the brig on insubordination charges, let alone all the freaking IOU's Hammond had on him. Still, with that list, processing the paperwork could take weeks-months. He could have gone to the cabin. But didn't trust himself on the road and that was long before he'd drunk his first beer. He'd been feeling strange, out of control. He hated that. It'd been especially bad since they'd left that black hole. He kept wondering if he was missing something. Had he wished for something he shouldn't have. Like being a bigger jackass than usual?
Glancing at the filled cigarette bowl, Jack tapped the half pack of cigarettes, dropping one in his hand. He lit it up and dragged deep, reveling in the nicotine high that helped to settle his nerves. He'd been smoking off base since the day they'd been tossed through the gate. He hadn't even thought twice when he stopped at the gas station and picked up a case of his old habit along with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Heck, he'd smoke four cigarettes in a row before he'd returned to the mountain and sucked a good three shots of whisky before he stepped back into SGC and to Sam's bedside that day. Although, he'd managed to keep his dependencies a secret he was at a point he no longer cared who saw him smoke or drink.
Now at home sitting on his rumbled bed, a new whisky bottle dangled from his fingers while clothes, bedding and furniture were strewn everywhere from a furious outburst moments before. Heck, if he couldn't have Sam back why keep living? What for? Even Cassie would be better off without him. What was there in this world or the next for him to care about? Hell sounded mighty good right now. Yeah. He deserved to suffer for eternity for all the hell he'd put Sam through, not to mention Sara and then Charlie. Jack looked around him, catching his reflection in his dresser mirror. Heck, he looked like hell.
God didn't care! God probably didn't exist. Look at all the weird things they'd experienced. All those freaking false gods parading around the universe. Maybe Jesus had been an Asgard too. Sure, Thor insisted The Keeper of the Stars to be the only true God, but what proof was there? Christ and all His love thy neighbor crap was like every other manmade religion. Pure crap! Yeah sure yabetcha!
Geez, this was like when he'd lost Charlie. He felt the same depression, the same hopelessness sucking the life from him. Which made no sense. Carter's alive. But she's not in love with you. And it hurts. Hurts like crap. Get a freaking grip, Jack. Stop thinking such morbid thoughts. Stop it!
He took another swig of the smooth burning liquor, followed by more nicotine. Calmer now, he reached down and lifted the photo off the floor. The picture Daniel had taken on Chulak three months back. Jack and Sam nestled in each other's arms kissing right after they'd take their vows in the glow of the twin moons. It had been the soberest thing he'd ever recalled doing and the happiest. Vows not consummated or so they thought. And yet there was no denying the scent of lovemaking that had pervaded their bodies and the stained bedding the morning after their wedding night. They were married and had been behaving like newlyweds off duty ever since, well as best a couple could and still honor the regulations. Now he regretted he'd not screwed her silly. Never made her his own in body and soul. How could anything hurt so much? A tear tracked his quivering jaw.
"You're a worthless jackass, Jack!" He dangled the cigarette between his lips and reached for the cold plastic of his loaded 9 mil., beneath his pillow. His finger coiled around the familiar trigger.
"Yeah, you sure are, at least the jackass part." Daniel's calm voice rose from the bedroom's entrance as he waved the plumes of smoke and coughed into his hand.
Releasing the gun Jack dragged on his cigarette, then exhaled. Blurry-eyed, he focused on the doorway. Yep it was Danny. Nor was Jack surprised to find his best bud had invaded his home and was shaking his head at Jack like a disenchanted parent.
Daniel went to the window and opened it fanning the smoke. "Looks like you had a party and didn't invite me." Daniel accessed the rampaged bedroom. He didn't mention the rest of the house reflected the result of an O'Neill temper tantrum that hadn't happened in six years.
"It's a private party," Jack slurred, waving his bottle.
"Figures. Um, want company?" Daniel took a step forward.
Jack gave his 'go to hell' look.
"Didn't think so, but I'm here. So's Teal'c and Carter."
It took a few seconds for the last name to register. "Why her?"
"To talk. Actually Sam insisted and Janet let her. Just didn't expect you to get wasted in under two hours and take up smoking and Jack Daniels."
"Done it in less." He burped and dragged on the stogy before flicking ashes onto the carpet.
Daniel didn't flinch at Jack's crude behavior. "I'll get coffee."
"No. You'll take Miss Heartbreak Hotel and leave me to wallow in my selfish pity party."
"Jack!"
"Go, Danny. I might be snookered, but I'm bigger and meaner than you."
"Yes you are. But you've always been there for me, Jack. Remember what you said and did when I got addicted to the sarcophagi and almost shot you in the supply closet?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"You're addicted, Jack. And just like you wouldn't walk away from me, I'm not leaving you now."
Daniel held Jack's defiant glint. Jack figured it'd be stalemate.
"Sir?" Sam's head peeped around Daniel's shoulder.
"Ah shit!" Jack collapsed on the bed, slamming the bottle on his nightstand.
~*~
Sam pressed past Daniel, who snagged her wrist. "Not good timing, Sam."
"It never is." She looked up at him. "You all agreed that the Colonel and I are emotionally involved. Even General Hammond and that's a hard one to swallow. That he'd allow it, that is. Which means our remaining part of SG-1 is far more critical than I could imagine. Daniel, it's obvious the Colonel's present lack of sobriety is my fault. We need to talk. Alone." She paused, "Like a husband and wife."
Daniel scratched his jaw and stared down at her. "Well okay. Drunk as Jack is, he's probably more sober than the rest of us, just mellowed out. I'll be out there cleaning with Teal'c." He thumbed toward the living room.
Sam nodded and as Daniel left, she shut the door. Stepping forward, she looked down at the man sprawled across the unmade king size bed, a half smoked cigarette dangled from his left hand.
This was bad. He'd gone cold turkey after his first Abydos mission. Why now?
Jack moaned and lifted the forearm from his eyes. Soon as he saw her he cursed, then, "Leave, Carter."
She shook her head and sat on the edge of his bed. "Sir?"
"I'm retired. It's Jack to the whole freaking world, including you!" His arm returned to shield his eyes. He sounded pissed but sober. Amazing.
"Okay, Jack." She picked up a half eaten slice of pizza and wondered how old it was. What a slob. She didn't remember the Colonel being this way. Yeah, he was not the most organized person and didn't read all his memos, reports, or finish his paperwork on time. But he took pride in his personal appearance and belongings and had one of the most organized minds she knew. His truck, house and lawn were always immaculate. That much Sam recalled. Just then she spotted the generous blue diamond ring on his nightstand and beside it, a man's silver wedding band.
'Holy Hannah, it's true. We're married!'
"I want to remember, Jack. Remember us. Help me, please?"
A groan left him and he dropped his arm from his face. "Why?" He dragged his tongue over his cracked lower lip.
"Janet said it's important, especially to you and to my full recovery."
"Ah huh, yes well." Jack rolled to his side and perched awkwardly on an elbow. His wobbly balance and unfocused gaze were the only evidence he was inebriated. "But is it important to you?"
"It should be right?" She rolled a shoulder.
"Crap! The Sam I knew before, this it was important to. I was important to her. We were important. We . . . "
"What?"
"We were in love. Head over heels, stupidly, crazy in love idiots." He stared into her intrepid gaze, long and hopeful. "So in love I retired just so we could get hitched on Chulak."
"Oh." She couldn't believe how hypnotic his dark brown gaze could be. Oh, yes she could. She'd been looking into those sultry brown eyes for years. "Then I assume we?"
His brown eyes narrowed and glowed with a lustful fire. "Yes! We screwed until we couldn't walk!"
"Oh!"
"But then I assume you don't remember that either." He snorted.
Shaking her head, Sam blushed and turned away. She hadn't expected him to be so vulgar and suspected his anger had something to do with how he answered her.
"When? I mean when did we start feeling this way toward each other, Jack?"
His mouth slackened, Jack pushed himself upright and leaned against the headboard, pulling his knees to his chest. For the longest time he didn't say anything. He looked around the ransacked bedroom, then at the ceiling and finally at her. He sniffed a breath, licked his lips and scrubbed his hands over his face and into his gray hair. Each familiar motion a part of him, a part of her comfort zone. Her CO. Her friend. Her lover? Her husband? She liked when he made those gestures. A lot. It meant several things. He was frustrated, thinking, or frustrated. Not a complex guy. Not her Jack. Huh? Why had she thought that?
"Do your remember our meeting at the President's White House Masquerade Ball in 97?"
"Vaguely." She nodded. "We shared a few drinks and talked, right? Even reminisced about our Black Ops assignments."
Jack did the frustrated hair comb. "Oh, we drank and talked all right. We also kissed each other stupid within minutes of introductions, confessed we cared for each other and-,"
She urged him with a nod.
"Sam. Me telling you this stuff won't help anymore than what the others told ya. Even Hammond." He reached over and snuffed out the cigarette then reached for the pack.
Sam's firm hand restrained him. Jack's gaze rested on her where her fingers gripped his wrist and then lifted to her pleading look. A look she realized usually worked with him. His gaze hardened as he yanked free and picked the pack up removing another cig.
Sam closed her eyes and sighed. She heard him light up and inhale, and then he purposely exhaled in her face. He was being rude and crude. It hurt. Why?
She coughed and shut her eyes. When she opened them, he was staring at her, but there was no longer contempt, just resignation as if he'd accepted things for what they were. With that look came a chill she'd only seen once before and then it had been faked.
"I've heard it from everyone else, but you. I mean apparently we talked yesterday, but I only recall you getting upset and walking out. And now you're here drinking and smoking. I'm to blame and don't know how to fix it, Jack. How to fix what you tell me we had. Not to mention, it's unorthodox and against the regs and yet, the entire SGC seems to think it's just fine and dandy."
Jack snorted. "First off, only SG-1, Hammond, Janet, and the Tok'ra Freya/Anise know about us. The rest only speculate and in all honesty, Sam, we've fooled the majority, not to mention the powers that be."
"Does my dad know?"
Jack glanced away and gulped. "He knows. We're still negotiating the fine print. Guess he likes me."
"He likes you a lot. He just thinks you're an arrogant asshole at times."
"Coz, I am." Jack smiled for the first time since she'd entered his domain.
Sam laughed.
Jack laughed.
~*~
"I believe Samantha Carter is laughing, Daniel Jackson."
Daniel smiled at the Jaffa. "Yeah, leave it to Jack to make that happen. Let's just hope he doesn't blow it."
"You are worried, Daniel Jackson?"
"Yeah, something is not right, here, Teal'c. Sam's not the only one acting differently."
"I concur. O'Neill's temperament is far more unrestrained. Similar to our first encounter."
"Which was?"
"Chulak of course." Teal'c failed to meet Daniel's eyes.
The Jaffa was not known for lying, but this was not the first time he'd accidentally referred to a first meeting with Jack, that Daniel sensed happened before Chulak. The weird thing was Jack never mentioned it.
"Yeah. Why do I feel I'm missing something?"
"You have missed nothing, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's brow shifted and he looked away.
Daniel wanted to press him, but now was not the time. "Well, more like when I first met him before Abydos. He chain-smoked and I suspected he was a heavy drinker, although he didn't drink on duty. But he was hurting and unpredictable. He didn't want to live anymore, Teal'c. Just like now. Wow! This is so not good!"
"I am inclined to agree, Daniel Jackson."
~*~
CHAPTER SIX
~*~
"So you're saying, we fell in love a the Whitehouse Ball, when you were retired?"
Jack nodded. "Retired like now." He slid closer and caressed her arm. Despite the whisky and cigarettes, Sam could smell the defined manly scent that was Jack O'Neill. English Leather and fresh autumn leaves. Sam senses reeled with intoxication for this man. No wonder she'd married him. What woman in her right mind would turn down Jack O' Neill? But did she love him?
"General Hammond hasn't accepted your resignation, sir." She forced herself to ease from his lingering touch.
"Jack." He growled. "Look, Sam. Retired or not, we're married. Husband and wife."
"So we broke the regulations and . . ."
"Yes and no. I'd retired-."
"Again!" Sam couldn't believe she'd ever do something so undisciplined-so wild.
"Yeah, know it sounds cliché, but it was the only way we could manage it. Teal'c and Daniel were our witnesses. No one else knows. Well, that's if you don't count the Jaffa tribe on Chulak."
Sam shook her head adamantly. "I wouldn't do that. It's not my nature-"
"Well it is your nature! You're a risk taker at least with me. Look, Sam, I don't know what happened in that freaking black box. I don't know what you asked for!" He scrubbed a splayed hand through his hair and rubbed his aching forehead.
"I asked to be returned with you, Daniel and Teal'c and that we'd all go home safe."
"That's all?"
"Yes!" Sam snapped back. "Why don't you believe me?" She shoved to her feet.
Without answering, Jack sniffed and returned to his former position against the headboard. "Okay, lets back step six and half years to our first meeting in the Ops."
She nodded and sat back down.
He dragged on the cig and then to her relief, squashed the butt in the tray and didn't light up another.
~*~
Jack glanced up from the filled cigarette tray. He was acting rude and no doubt looked and smelled disgusting. Part of him didn't give a crap, the part that loved this confused woman tried to get sober and be nicer.
"Sam, we'd stayed in denial about when we started having feelings, but later admitted the attraction started during our Black Ops engagements. The main event when we'd been imprisoned in South America."
"Sure. I remember our imprisonment and," her breath hitched and she grabbed the bedspread.
Jack flew across the bed and caught her before she fell off. "Hey! You okay?"
"I-," her heart leaped into her throat with the horror as she felt his secure grip, met his open-eyed gaze. He knew. He was there. "I was almost raped?"
"Yes. You were." He looked away. "I'm sorry, Sam. By the time I got to you, one of the rebel assholes was about to-."
"One got away, but you killed one and cut the other."
Jack nodded. He'd done more than cut the bastard but there was no reason to go there.
"You were furious!" She looked at him. "You protected me."
"Yes. But I would have done it for anyone, still would."
"I know."
"No you don't! I should have known that was what they'd intended. I'd failed to protect you." He gripped her shoulders, recalling the almost exact conversation four years ago when they'd found themselves revisiting those horrific events at the White House.
"No, you listen! I knew the risk, when I signed on for Black Ops. You must let it go, sir, I have. I chose to forget that and a lot of other painful stuff. Why can't you?"
Her words were a slap in his face. Letting go, Jack stared at her. "Ah, hell, Sam! Is that's what you wished for?"
"What are you talking about?" She cupped her aching head and stared at him.
Grabbing the gun from beneath his pillow, Jack bolted off the bed and waving the automatic glared at her. "Get out! Now!"
"Jack? Sir? I don't understand." She stared at the loaded, 9 mil.
He yanked her off the bed and to her feet, hauling her to the door. "I may be pissing drunk, Carter, but I don't have to be told when I'm not wanted. You wanted to forget about us! You asked that Ancient gizmo to make you fall out of love with me! Well, I'll do us both a favor, I'll just get out of your life permanently!"
~*~
Jack pulled the door so hard one of the hinges tore lose. Backing out of the room, Sam balked at the raving man stalking after her.
"No!" Sam gaped, at the agonizing pain in his brown eyes. He intended to take his life.
"Get out before I take you with me!" He cocked the gun and raised it.
Daniel and Teal'c put themselves between Sam and Jack.
Jack took a swing at Daniel and caught him in the beneath his ribs. Stunned and breathless, Daniel curled up and dropped to his knees. Jack didn't seem fazed by his violence as he continued down the hall after Sam and Teal'c.
Jack's left hook came in contact with Teal'c's right eye, but the Jaffa never flinched.
"All of you, get the f!@!*out of my house! Now! And I don't ever want to see the cold, little b-"
Teal'c's right hook put Jack down and out cold.
~"~
"Sir?"
"Carter?"
"Colonel O'Neill?"
Crap! Fraiser. Jack tried to peel open his eyes but failed. He'd tried to part his lips but his tongue was plastered to the roof of his mouth. Man, he felt like recycled trash. He moaned and attempted to lift his head. It felt like ton of bricks. Another freaking cliché'! Jack slipped in and out of consciousness, hearing bits and pieces of a conversation buzzing over his head. All he wanted was to see Sam, to know she was okay, to know he hadn't hurt her, again.
~*~
"He's coming around, General." Janet pulled his eyelids open and shined her penlight in Jack's aching eyes. He made a sloppy attempt to smack her hand away, but his wrists were strapped down.
"He doesn't look like it, Doctor."
"Well, I gave him a stronger sedative. It took four SF's to restrain him."
"How's Doctor Jackson?"
"Fine, sir, just had the wind knocked out of him. And Teal'c got a black eye, but his symbiote is healing him."
"So what's your diagnosis?"
"The Colonel has signs of extreme low self-esteem and suicidal tendencies."
"Suicide! Why would you-?"
"Colonel O'Neill had a loaded pistol in his bed and Teal'c found a note." She reached into her pocket and handed it over.
George opened and scanned the contents, grimacing. The scribble read:
'First Charlie.
Now Sam.
The only two people who loved this empty bag of nothing for who I am, are gone.
What the hell is there to live for?
Dear God, forgive me for taking the coward's way out?
Jack'
George looked at Jack's ashen features then back at Doctor Fraiser. "This is not the Jack O'Neill we know, Doctor. Even with Major Carter's memory loss he'd not give up on her or life."
"Correct, General. And I've read Colonel O'Neill's complete physiological evaluation and know his present personal beliefs doesn't accept suicide unless in the line of duty. What we're witnessing is not his nature. But it was his state of mind after his son Charlie died."
George nodded. "Yes, it was, Major. I want to know what's going on with my 2IC and Major Carter? And I want to know ASAP. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sir, but I don't know how we can do that without involving Doctor McKenzie."
"Look, I'll give you twenty-four more hours to resolve this and then I have no choice. We will have to bring McKenzie into the matter."
"Understood, sir." Janet sighed out shaking her head.
"Now, I'd like a moment alone with the Colonel."
"Of course, sir. But it will be sometime before he'll be coherent and responsive."
"Understood."
Janet nodded and left the private infirmary room, closing the door behind her.
George pulled up a chair beside Jack and sat a moment while his military mind and personal minds separated. He knew this was a test from above. He also knew that the man before him was not the Jack O'Neill he'd come to love as a son and respect as a top notch officer. More than ever, George realized that if he didn't take responsibility for not having let Jack retire ten days ago, he'd regret it. It really sucked when a person had been given a glimpse of the future and couldn't spill the beans. Somehow he had to keep Jack and Sam with SG-1. But how?
"Okay, son, listen up here. You are not yourself. So that's why I'm talking like your friend and not your CO." Hammond laid his hand on Jack's left forearm. "Jack, can you hear me?"
Jack groaned and lolled his head once. George took it as a sign.
"Good. Now I won't mince words. I can only keep this crisis under the table so long. You've got to pull out of it. Get a grip! I don't know what's going on between you and my goddaughter, but it's causing havoc with SG-1 and the rest of the SGC. Something happened down there on PXC-779. Samantha wasn't the only one to wish for something different between you two. For whatever reason you've regressed in personality to a wildcard. Well, you're still a wildcard, Jack, but in a seasoned, tempered manner.
"Now you're acting emotionally immature. Like before Sam came into your life. I know what went down before that. I also know you said to have experienced a spiritual conversion since then. You don't believe in taking your own life, Jack. But last night you'd been thinking about it. Even loaded a gun! And threatened Sam."
Jack opened his eyes. "Sa-am hurt?"
"She's fine, Jack." George nodded relieved when the younger man opened his eyes. "And worried sick about you."
"Why?" Jack blinked.
"Jack, do you understand what you did last night?"
"Uh, wasted."
"Do that often do you, son?" George felt like he was playing devil's advocate.
"No."
"Didn't think so." George tried to carefully word his next question. "Jack, when you were in that Ancient's cavern, you unconsciously wanted something different than you have now, or were thinking about it before that gizmo shot you back through the wormhole. It's important to recall what you were thinking about, because until you do, things aren't going to improve. And you aren't going anywhere except to see Doctor Mackenzie."
~*~
Doctor Mackenzie? Hell no! Jack closed his eyes and exhaled. He concentrated on Hammond's question. He hadn't been thinking anything before that happened, but he had been dreaming about Charlie, reliving the depression he'd sunk into after his son's accidental death. It had been a time of hopelessness, violent outbursts, self-loathing and severe depression that brought him to the lowest point of his life, so low that he'd wanted to-
"Die!" Jack opened his eyes and tugged at the leather straps.
"Son?" Hammond stared with concern into his drug-laced expression.
"We've got to go back, sir!"
"Jack, what are you talking about?"
"Please-trust me, sir."
~*~
CHAPTER SEVEN
~*~
It wasn't as easy as Jack thought. Hammond didn't implicitly trust him and confined him to the infirmary for observation. However, once he got Fraiser to listen to him, she thought it was a viable possibility.
He slept restlessly but now that he realized why he'd been acting so irrational he had a stronger grip on his emotions. As he slept Jack fell into a fitful dream. He dreamt he'd been asleep and when he awoke the Nox Lya was standing over him.
"Lya?"
"I'm glad to see you alive again, Jack O'Neill." She smiled warmly down at him. "You know we can't keep interfering."
"Sam?" Jack winced.
"She is also alive as are Teal'c and Daniel. I must leave you now. You must find your way back."
"Back where?" Confused, he realized they were surrounded by darkness.
"To what you and Samantha call Kansas and the others call home. Be cautious about the path you chose. It might prove hurtful especially to the one you love above all others. Chose wisely."
~*~
0320 Hours:
Jack opened his medicated eyes. His fuzzy gaze focused on a crack in the curtain and he noticed Daniel in a chair against the far wall. His audible snoring indicated Space Monkey was out cold.
Breathing in, Jack gagged at the strong sterile infirmary smell. He hated the odor. But his senses also detected a comforting familiar scent of vanilla mixed with strawberry shampoo. No longer strapped down, Jack flipped onto his side and stared wide eyed the source. He should have known.
Dressed in black jeans and a blue sweater Sam was curled up on the opposite empty bed that was shoved alongside his bed. A curtain had been drawn around them. He couldn't imagine Janet would have allowed this. No, this was a Daniel or Teal'c sneaky deed that happened after the doc left base. Jack smiled.
Sliding quietly to the edge of bed he wanted to touch Sam but didn't. Although, he was in better control of his emotions he wouldn't risk going off on her. Man, what he wouldn't give for a cig. His hands shook. Nicotine withdrawal sucked. He'd never wanted to go through that again, but here he was. The only consolation was Sam was with him and hopefully of her choosing.
She looked so beautiful when she slept, even with drool seeping from the corner of her red lips. He was tempted to kiss them or wipe them clean. His fingers itched to become tangled within her short blonde hair, to caress her flawless ivory skin. But she wasn't his to touch anymore. Not even if they successfully undid this memory mess. Things had to change between them. He'd have to distance himself. He had no choice.
From out of nowhere bitter resentment sluiced over him. She had wanted to forget they were in love and married. Had he messed her up that badly? Oh duh! Why hadn't he seen this coming? Why hadn't he realized long before that Zat'arc test that he had no right falling in love with her or putting her in this situation?
Jacob was right, the first day Sam walked into the briefing room Jack should have put an end to their budding love affair. He should have emotionally walked away and ordered her to do the same.
But he hadn't. He'd wanted her so badly that he'd made her foolish promises he'd yet to keep. He'd never even asked what she wanted, assumed she wanted the same. And look what his selfishness had brought them. Sam hated their sham of a marriage so much she'd wished to forget it ever happened. She'd chosen a different path.
"Sir?" She blinked, yawned, and then tossing aside the blanket, stretched catlike. For a moment, Jack's attention locked on the fullness of her breasts. He gulped and then shoved his ardent thoughts aside.
"Carter." He nodded as her dark blues focused on him. He managed a smile, knowing it didn't touch his eyes. His heart pitched as he restrained from touching her. God help me?
"You look horrible, sir."
"Yeah, well going cold turkey isn't a cakewalk."
She nodded and pushed up on her elbow, one arm stretching between them. Jack pulled back. He saw the hurt in her eyes. Why now?
"I'm remembering." She didn't retreat her fingers that grazed his jaw. The heat of her caress sent the same old shiver down his spine to his groin, then back to his heart.
"Well, that's nice." He wasn't convinced and taking her hand, set it firmly on the bed, and then let go.
"I don't know why I wished for this." She failed to hold his doubtful gaze. "All I've ever wanted was for us to be together."
"So you've said." He felt rage seeping out again. 'Stop it, Jack!'
"Soon as we get back to the moon and access that Ancient cavern we can undo this-"
"No we can't! First off, the planet is Goa'uld infested and I'm not going to risk anyone's lives over self made demons . . ." Like pieces of a puzzle everything made sense. Lya's face loomed before him. "Chose well." Crap! Jack pushed himself up off the bed and called out, "Daniel, wake up!"
"Huh?" Daniel sat up right and starred blurry eyed at Jack and then at Sam.
Holding his hospital gown in place, Jack stomped out of the infirmary leaving Sam without an explanation.
~*~
Briefing Room, 0700 Hours
Jack tried his hardest not to look at Carter. It was a battle of wills. He'd not bothered to explain his theory to her last night for fear of losing it. That had only happened twice since they'd known each other, once four years ago when he finally cried in her arms over Charlie and two weeks ago when he'd almost lost her to the Entity. It wouldn't happen again. Couldn't. Not if what he was about to explain and then do was going to work. For both their sakes and that of SG-1 Jack prayed his decision was the right one. And he prayed Sam could one day forgive him.
General Hammond entered the room, looking the worse for wear. Like everyone present he'd not slept well the last few weeks. His slow gait and slumped shoulders that were usually fast and straight were clearly noted.
"Colonel, Major, Teal'c, Doctor Jackson, Doctor Fraiser," he formally acknowledged before he took his seat at the head of the table.
"Sir." They said in unison. Teal'c nodded in respect.
The General turned and addressed his 2IC. "This better be good, Colonel."
"I hope so, sir." Jack flinched and accidentally met Sam's questioning blue eyes. He squared his shoulders and looked back at their base commander.
"Well out with it, son. Or did you forget you are gating in twenty minutes."
"No, sir. I didn't forget but that may not be necessary."
An audible sigh left Sam.
Teal'c brows shifted high.
Janet cleared her throat.
"Jack?" Daniel turned and stared at him dumbfounded. "I thought we agreed it was the only way around this."
"Well, there's that. But I don't think returning will resolve anything. I also believe we're not likely to find the Ancient cavern."
"Why?" Janet spoke up.
Jack looked over to find Sam looking at her folder. She knows!
"Because it's not there, is it, Carter?"
"Sir?" Sam slowly lifted her blonde head and held his intense stare.
"That's crazy, Jack." Daniel inserted. "We were all there."
"Everyone but Teal'c." Janet added.
Teal'c nodded. "No. I was there and I saw the cavern. I recall stopping to fire at the advancing Jaffa. But before that, after the death glider collided with the mountain I had pondered what would be worse, to die free crushed by an avalanche or . . ." Teal'c rubbed his jaw in thought.
"Or what?" Jack addressed the Jaffa.
"To be captured by the Jaffa and taken prisoner. When I awoke that is exactly where I was, aboard Apophis' ship."
"Daniel?" Jack turned back to the linguist. "What does your over active imagination recall before we saw the cavern?"
"Um, well . . ." Daniel tensed and looked at his hands. "I wished for a safe haven, a place we could crawl into and escape the Jaffa. Even though I hate the dark, I'd rather deal with the bogyman than with the Jaffa. And then the glider hit the cliff and I saw this huge boulder falling down on me. I didn't have time to jump free. There was a lot of pain and then nothing."
Hammond was silent and staring.
Janet was furiously taking notes.
Sam shut her eyes, nibbled her lower lip, and then released it. Jack noted the firm set of her delicate chin and the drawn line of her kissable lips. Yeah, she knew exactly where this was going. 'As painful as this is, please stay with me, Sam?'
A groan emitted from General Hammond. "This is damn confusing, people."
Jack felt like Sherlock Holmes. "If you'd bear with me a little longer, sir, all will become clear." He gazed at Carter. "Major, what do remember before the boulders hit us?"
Sam opened her eyes and looked at him. For a moment no one else mattered or existed. She tilted her head and her glistening eyes pleaded with him. He shook his head. "It's important, Carter. For everyone's sake you must remember just like they have."
"Please, sir?" She begged and tilted her head as if beseeching him. He could see the tears warming her blue eyes.
"Answer the Colonel, Major." Hammond ordered.
Clearing her throat, Sam nodded and looked at Jack who gave her an encouraging smile.
"I saw the bluish white light, noticed the high, energy spike on my schismatic reading and then . . ." She closed her eyes and seemed to hold her breath.
"Sam?" Jack prompted.
She forced her gaze back to his.
"I fired at the Jaffa. The death glider hit the face-rock and as the boulders fell, you pulled me with you and we rolled clear . . ." she hesitated.
"Samantha?" Jack's heart quicken at her exaggeration.
"Please no, sir?"
Jack shoved to his feet and leaned over the table. "Tell the truth, Carter!"
"All right! Daniel was closer to you. You should have pulled him out of the boulder's way, but you saved me instead!"
Jack winced. Damn! He'd not even looked at Daniel. His sole concern had been Carter.
Sam continued, "I saw the falling rocks. Several hit your shoulders and back just as you pulled me to the ground-But it was too late! We were dying and my last thoughts were," she shuddered and looked down at her trembling hands. "Loving you hurt too much. I wished we could all survive and start over again. But I didn't want to be in with love you, least not yet. And then I felt pain in my neck and head, felt you holding me, saying my name." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "The boulder had pinned our legs. After that, you went heavy and still in my arms. Blood was gushing out of your nose, eyes, mouth and ears." Sam shivered. "You were dead, sir, so was I."
"And then?" He sat down and gripped his hands, noting the white of his knuckles.
"Suddenly we were alive, unscathed. We spotted the cavern and-"
"A bright blue white light." Jack inserted.
"Hey, I remember that." Daniel spoke up.
"As do I?" Teal'c announced.
"So are you saying, you'd all died, people?" Hammond rubbed his baldhead.
"I believe that's what they think, General." Janet looked from one SG-1 team member to the next.
"It's not what I think." Jack insisted. "It's what happened-"
A flash of light! Everyone glanced up. The pretty petite Nox, Lya materialized before them.
"Lya!" Daniel was first to his feet.
"Daniel Jackson." She smiled in greeting, and then addressed the rest at the table.
Jack nodded, knowing why she was here.
"Colonel O'Neill is correct. Each of you perished in the avalanche. And each of you were revived but the injuries were very serious and required we put your subconscious in the 'Cave of Wishes' to help you deal with your sudden deaths. During that time you each dealt with your emotional fears or as Jack would say, hang-ups."
Touching Jack, she explained gently, "Despite your healing over the lose of your son and your marriage, you still feared you would regress to the man you were back then. An angry, unpredictable, man who blamed himself for his son's death and the failure of his marriage. No matter what you tell yourself and others, you still carry that guilt with you, Jack, especially concerning the woman you now love. When you thought she was dying, you regressed and became that other man again. You believed it was the only way you could deal with the guilt."
Jack sighed out and felt Sam's emotional taut gaze. He couldn't look at her. Instead he asked, "So we each have dealt with past and present fears, including Daniel's weird bogyman?"
"Yes." Lya slowly worked her way around the room. She paused before each of them, touched them and explained. "Daniel's creature was a mixture of many emotions. Losing his parents at a young age, being passed from one foster home to another, wanting his grandfather's love and not receiving it. The creature took on impressionable personalities from his past and present. Including Colonel's O'Neill's eating habits and favorite television series."
"Ah, excuse me," Daniel interrupted. "How do you know all these earth terms like television or about my parents and grandfather?"
"I am Nox. I am capable of knowing your thoughts and adapting to your colloquialisms."
"Well, I'm impressed." Hammond muttered scratching his jaw. "But still confused."
"Me too," Janet quipped and wrote faster.
Lya smiled. '"The Cave of Wishes' was meant to help you each reassess your priorities and make you realize that fear is a healthy emotion and should be respected, but it should never be allowed to control you. When you each wished for something you allowed your fears and insecurities to rule you. No doubt, Teal'c was the least affected because his symbiote protected him. However, he still struggles with the fear of being captured by the Jaffa and not dying free."
"Yes, I do." Teal'c admitted with a flush. Lya touched him as well.
"And you Samantha Carter, your wish affected more than yourself did it not?"
Sam bit down on her lower lip and glanced at Jack. He smiled wanting her to be comfortable.
"Yes." She expelled a long held breath and looked away, blushing.
When Lya touched Sam's arm she jolted. Jack felt a slight electric shock when the Nox touched his wife. He scrunched his face in confusion. What happened?
"Samantha, you feared your feelings had gotten in the way of being the best officer and team member you could be?"
"Yes." Sam nodded again, catching General Hammond's troubled gaze.
"This is the same reason that the Colonel retired a few weeks ago and did so again. Because he too is concerned about his ability to lead and make difficult decisions." Lya looked at Jack.
"You retired twice?" Daniel gawked.
"Yes, Daniel." Jack shook his head before meeting the Jaffa's equally surprised expression.
"Each one of you, care about the other's welfare. You are family. Which is how it should be. But in my world, as with the Tok'ra we depend upon our emotional bonds to keep us ever more aware of why we exist. It is how we were created. Without them, we would be soulless like the unfortunate Goa'uld."
Jack's eyes widened. Well, that was a first. To Jack's knowledge the Nox never spoke against anyone let alone the Goa'uld.
"I do not possess the divine wisdom of The Keeper Of The Stars, but assume that what He allowed to happened was a learning curve for each of you. All of your destinies are long written in the heavens and will affect the many. In the meantime, you must each address your fears and overcome them but remember you cannot do it alone. No one can. What I can tell you, is that wishing them away is not the solution."
Although Lya spoke to everyone, Jack realized she was specifically addressing him and Sam.
"I suggest you come to an understanding that will work for the benefit of everyone involved, even if it is only temporary. Sacrifices are and will be made on everyone's behalf. You must ask yourself if you are willing to make them for the greater good of all humanity."
Jack grimaced. He should have seen that one coming. He glanced at Sam, their gazes locked and he realized she'd felt it too. She cringed and looked away.
"Each of you must remember that we are to live as if there is no tomorrow, but do so with love, honor, kindness and wisdom, that you will have few regrets when your time in this physical realm has reached completion."
Everyone nodded. Lya stepped back to where she'd beamed in.
"Thanks for resurrecting us-again." Jack stood and smiled at the petite Nox, wondering if birds ever nested in her tight, wiry hair.
Lya's shook her head. "It is not I whom you should thank. Nor did the Nox breathe the life force back into your bodies."
"Huh?" Daniel looked as confused as everyone else.
"It was made known to us that two of you called upon 'The Keeper' before the avalanche took your lives. Your appeals were answered. I, along with two of my brothers found you after you'd been revived. We simply did what we were told. We took you to the 'Cave of Wishes.'" With that Lya was gone.
No one spoke. Jack sat back down and stared at each of his teammates, including the General and Fraiser. What was there to say? God had intervened? Jack believed it, but doubted Daniel would. Teal'c? Well Jack was still figuring him out. The General? Oh yeah, although Hammond didn't shove it in folk's faces, he didn't keep his faith in a box either. Fraiser? Well, she'd admitted she believed in God, but had lots of doubts since joining the SGC and then there was Sam. She'd privately admitted to leap from atheist status to agnostic since they'd met.
The moment they made eye contact, he knew. Her chin jutted out nervously, but her eyes shimmered with tears of acknowledgement. Without a doubt, besides himself Sam, had been praying before the rocks struck and killed them.
"Well, people, I don't know about you, but this has been one miraculous week," the General quipped and shoved to his feet. "This briefing is dismissed and the mission to PXC-779 scrubbed. Tomorrow's Tuesday and I expect SG-1 to be ready to talk turkey with the Tok'ra High Council. But first," he stared at Jack. "I need to know if I have to replace my 2IC?"
Everyone turned to Jack. He swallowed and glanced at Sam. "If I could first have a moment alone with the Major, sir?"
"Request granted, Jack." Hammond nodded. "Everyone else out." The room not only cleared, but Hammond walked off with the rest of Jack's team. Then he halted and glanced over his shoulder. "And if you decide to stay, Jack, you and Major Carter will meet with me for a lengthy debriefing in exactly one hour. Understood?" The Texan's stern military tone left no leeway for misunderstanding. Their butts were his!
"Yes, sir." He and Sam answered in unison.
'And, Jack, flick the off button."
"General?" Jack switched the control for the camera and voice recording.
Janet held back and looked at him. "Sir, I do hope you reconsider. The SGC wouldn't be the same without you."
"Thanks, Fraiser." Jack smiled back.
The doc exchanged a brief smile with Sam and followed out after the others.
Tensed silence hung between the two lovers.
*~*
CHAPTER 8
~*~
"Sooo." Jack tapped the table with his fingertips and glanced at Sam.
"Sooo." Sam stared across at him. Her blue eyes showing more emotion than he'd seen in awhile.
"Guess we screwed up?" His nervous hands directed traffic.
"You don't have to play the diplomat, sir. I'm the one who made the stupid wish, not you."
"So you admit it was stupid?" He jammed his hands into his casual pant's pockets and sauntered toward her.
"I admit it wasn't one of the smartest wishes I've ever made. Guess there's some truth about being careful what you wish for, huh?" She looked at a spot on the wall beyond his shoulder.
"Ya think?" He grinned, trying to ease the tension between them, knowing what had to be done.
"This isn't going to work is it? Us I mean, Colonel, sir?" She met his gaze.
"It's Jack."
"So you're retired?"
"For about thirty more minutes." He halted just shy of touching her. He saw the tremor pass through her before she donned her kick-butt Carter attitude and look.
"Well, I'm glad, Jack."
"You are?" He hoped she had some regret over his decision.
"Major Carter is, but not Samantha O'Neill." She admitted, looking longingly into his eyes. "Because she loves her husband . . ." She glanced out the conference room window at the gate.
"Husband," Jack lisped softly with regret.
"Oh, Jack, I'm afraid we're going to lose each other, not just physically, but emotionally. I think that's why I wished it were different between us. That, if we could fall in love after this . . ." She fanned her hand at the gate. "We'd cope better with the life and death decisions we have to make out there. If we weren't worried about the other, if we weren't in love-"
"I know, Sam." He glanced at the Ancient gate, the wheel of fortune. Crap, another stupid cliché.
"You do?"
"Ah. Yeah. But no matter what, I'd always worry about you. Professionally, you're my 2IC, my other half. I can't change how I feel for you, but I can change how I deal with it. Didn't want to admit it, but I've often wished or thought what if not now, but if later, for us."
"Wow!" She turned back to him. "But it is now, Jack. I love you, more than ever and . . ."
"And I love you, Babe. So much it hurts." He pressed a blunt fingertip to her trembling lips. "But Lya said we needed to do what's best for humanity. I agree. I think you do too."
"What are you saying?" She caught his hand and held on.
"That everything that's happened this last year and even before that's been for a higher purpose. To show us how much we love each other. Heck, even when mind-stamped our feelings couldn't be erased or denied."
Sam nodded and stepped toward him. Jack stepped back. He saw the confusion in her eyes. Crap, it hurt to put the distance between them, but it had to start now. "Sam, if we're going to do what Lya said, we have to be stronger and more disciplined. We have to put our feelings and our marriage on hold."
"Yeah." She stared up at him and then lowered her moist eyes. "I know, Jack. I always have."
"We both have. We were just too selfish and stubborn to follow through. From here on a lot has to stop. The bedroom Walkie-talkie calls, sleeping together, the out of town restaurants, the park, stargazing, the closet . . ."
"The closet?" Her eyes rounded and she cleared her throat. "Sure. That makes complete sense." But her pained features said differently.
"It does? Coz, it doesn't with me." He scrubbed the back of his neck.
"Logically, the best thing to do is go cold turkey."
"Yes," his brusque CO tone kicked in. "Hey, it's not forever, Sam. But we've got to get past second-guessing every time we step into the field. Our lives depend on it, so do Teal'c and Daniel's. When you said I should have saved Daniel but tried to save you and we both died, I knew I'd lost my military edge. I knew that two weeks back when I hesitated shooting the Entity. That cannot happen again, Major."
"And I agree, sir." She straightened and saluted.
Jack returned the salute, but his heart ached. How long before he could hold her and love her as he was meant to, wanted to? "So, coffee, Jell-O and cake?" He offered his best lopsided smirk that made his dimples tuck deep the way Sam like them.
"Sir?" She arched a dusty blond brow.
"In the officer's mess surrounded by Air Force personal."
"Oh. Okay."
"Hey, Sam?" Jack coughed briskly into his hand. He hated to bring it up, but his conscious gnawed at him.
"Yes?"
"Personal matter here." He held up a finger.
Her hands on her hips, Sam turned and arched her delicate brows, her lips firmly pressed together.
"Um," Jack flushed beneath his tan. "The other day, when I was drunk as a skunk . . ."
"Yes?" She sighed and rolled her eyes. He hated when she rolled her at him.
"Did I say something about us, 'screwing each other until we couldn't walk straight on our wedding night?'"
Color tinged her cheeks. "Yes, you did." She held his wincing gaze.
"Well, I lied." He tensed waiting for her axe to fall . . .on him.
"I know." She grinned and caressed his tensed jaw before lowering her touch. "And I remember everything now."
"Really?"
"But I really wish it comes true someday." She winked suggestively.
"Well, your wish is my command, Mrs. O'Neill!" He chuckled and held her passionate gaze, and then scrounged inside his right pocket and removed two objects. He handed over the palm size lure box. "Oh, hoped you might want this back."
Opening the scratched, black plastic case, Sam's azure blue eyes shimmered at the sight of her wedding ring. "Yes! Thank you, Jack." She swiped at a maverick tear and clutched the box to her breasts as they stared with longing into each other's gaze.
"Think nothing of it." He beamed and rocked on his heels, feeling like king of the world, nope, the entire freaking galaxy and all because of his wife, Sam.
"Oh, and um," he offered two small gold-foiled objects.
Sam's eye rounded his second gift. "Godiva dark chocolate!"
"Yep." He smiled and winked. "They say chocolate heals everything from constipation to lovers misunderstandings."
Sam arched her incredulous gaze at him as she pocketed the confectionary with her ring.
"Well I'm just saying . . .they say that. Yeah." He winced.
"They sure do, sir." She smiled back.
Turning as one, they strolled toward the door, but the moment their hands brushed, Sam seized hold.
"Sorry, sir." She let go and stepped off quickly. "Won't happen again."
"Carter." Jack stayed put.
"Sir?" Se hesitated and turned slowly to face him. Arms folded over her breasts, her fair features were pressed into that stern military expression he knew well. Emotionless and unreadable except to him.
"C'mere." He stepped toward her and extended his arms.
Sam accepted and they held on for life. When Sam's slender frame trembled, he struggled to control his own physical response and failed. Failed to restrain all the love and passion he had for this brilliant scientist, this fierce warrior and his 2IC, who could be nothing more from here on out. Realizing this would be the last intimacy between them for a long while, Jack nuzzled the soft curve of her neck and caressed her hair, inhaling the scent of her, putting it to memory.
"Never stop believing in me, Sam, or in us."
"I won't." She murmured against his shoulder.
"Remember from here on, no matter what goes down, I love you, Samantha O'Neill," he whispered. "And one day, we'll have our happily ever after."
"And I love you. We'll be forever okay, Jack," she murmured into his shirt.
"Yeah. Forever, Babe." With that he let go, stepped back and waited until they had regained their professional veneers. Sam lifted her chin and tucked her long sleeved black shirt in place. "Ready, sir."
"Nice." He nodded with his deadpan look. They were back in sync, back to being CO and 2IC.
"So, Carter." He drawled out her name, opened the door and allowed her to pass through so he could watch her long legged strut. "I'm thinking."
"Dangerous, sir."
"Hey!" he groused. "I'm serious."
"You always are, sir." She sassed back and winked over her shoulder.
He made a face. "So about this cold turkey on the closet visits. One day a week couldn't hurt . . ."
"Colonel! We just agreed. In fact, you insisted!" Sam snorted.
"Err . . .umm. Yes. Well. I think we need to negotiate some of the finer points of our arrangement." He gestured between them. Sam's lips struggled to restrain a smirk.
"Man, oh, man," she groaned, but he heard the smile in her voice.
"Actually, my mama always said to look for the silver lining and that's exactly what I'm doing, here. I mean, what's one hour a week going to hurt to meet, talk, and-"
"Sheesh, you would think that."
"Yeah sure yabetcha." Jamming his hands into his deep pockets, Jack grinned and held back enjoying the feminine sway of Sam's slender hips in her green BDU's, not to mention her tight derriere and those legs that went on forever. He had long concluded that no matter what Carter wore, be it a revealing, Jaffa wedding gown or BDU's smeared with blood and mud, she was and always would be the sexiest woman to occupy his range of vision.
"Oh, you'd be amazed what I think, Carter. Really amazed. Now about the closet-"
"For crying out loud, sir!"
'Yeah, Mama said there'd be days like this, Mama said, Mama said!'
The End
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]