Story Notes: Email:

Category: SJR, humour, angst [yeah, it's got a bit of everything]

Season/Sequel Info: 3rd season

Spoilers: "100 Days," "Shades of Grey" .. Also "The Choice" by Karen

Archive: SJA, Heliopolis....Anyone else, just ask. I just want to know where my stuff is.

Author's Notes: This story came about from a conversation in AIM with Ann. I'd warned her what it was like when I let my muses [Sam, Jack, Janet, etc] out to play. And then she got to see this phenomenon in action.

Special Thanks: Very special thanks to Ann for playing this little game with me. It made it a lot of fun....and hopefully I'm not seen as too insane now *g* Also, thanks to Karen for writing the story "The Choice," which gave us great fodder to get Jack with in this story.

**NOTE: We join this conversation already in progress. Ann and AJ are sitting in the commissary, talking about the Sam/Jack/AU-Sam story AJ is writing. Symbol conversions for the various characters: { } = Jack [ ] = Sam ( ) = Janet // // = General Hammond. And now, the conversation....**

AJ: well, but i was thinking about what to do with it....and trying to picture the conversation between Sam and Jack after Samantha's back "home" know, the one where he's gonna be a typical male and ask her what it was like to "fuck herself".... {eg}

Ann: Jack being a male
Ann: straight to the point

AJ: Jack is sooooo totally male....and you know he'd be all for something like that anyway....and probably more so because it's two Sams....

Ann: hmmm two Sams for Jack.. don't know if he could handle it.

{aww, come on, Ann! I could handle it!}

Ann: don't know.. might be overload to the senses ;-)

[No, you couldn't, Jack! It'd kill you!]

{Yeah, but what a way to die, eh, Sammie?}

[Don't call me Sammie, or you won't get anything for the rest of your pathetic life, old man!]

(hear hear)

Ann: lol

AJ: had to let Janet chime in, too {snicker}

Ann: Sammie.. I'd get him, Sam

[Oh, believe me, I'll get him. And his Black Ops training won't do shit for him, either....I learned a few things from Samantha about her Jack....]

{Like what? What did she tell you?}

[*sweet smile* Let's just say that if you two are as much alike as we are, well....I hope you have all your affairs in order, Jack my boy}

Ann: lol
Ann: affairs in order?.. I'd be worried Jack

AJ: I should remember to keep this and write a story based on this....

{Oh, for crying out loud! There have been no affairs! Not since Laira, and I already explained that to you....AND you forgave me for it, so don't hold that over my head!}

[*pointed stare* There better not have been any since Laira. You forget who my father is....]

Ann: explosive relationship, eh?

AJ: Oh, not at all *snicker*
AJ: But you know, the more I think about it....THIS would be the kind of canon relationship they'd have, you know? Not the sappy, lovey-dovey stuff....

{*gag* Oh, please! Me? Sappy? Lovey-dovey? Are you nuts?}

[He's got a point, ladies....]

{Hey! Sam!}

Ann: never thought lovey dovey.. but.. all these threats? :-)
Ann: must be in the air

[*bg* Well, you know, Ann, he likes it when I play rough with him. It turns him on....]

{HEY! SAM! SHUT UP!!! No need to be spreading around our private stuff like that!}

[Why not? You know AJ's going to write about it anyway....Aren't you, AJ?]

AJ: Damned straight I am....

Ann: everyone wants to know.
Ann: we do thing that it is kismet..
Ann: what great chemistry and all

{Oh for crying out loud. What am I? Some sort of lab rat for you ladies?}


(Hell, yes! Why do you think *I* do all your post-mission exams, Jack?)

Ann: thank you Janet
Ann: see I'm getting the voices down

AJ: You know, if any "sane" [read Non-SG-1 fan] person would see this, they'd think I was totally off the deep end for carrying on a 4 way conversation.
AJ: Hint....the symbols help....That's how I keep them straight....

Ann: lol
Ann: so.. Janet any other tidbits of info?

{And I suppose that's why you always jam those needles so far into my ass?}

(Just be glad I don't start requiring proctological exams each time.)

{*meek* Yes, Janet.}

[Way to go, Janet! I thought he was just being a baby.]

(What would you like to know, Ann?)

Ann: hmm
Ann: let me think about this.
Ann: my mind has gone blank.. I'll get back to you, ok?

[I kind of like the idea of those procto exams personally *eg*]

{Don't you start with me, Sam}

(Not a problem. I'm always willing to help.)

{Hey, wait a minute! What happened to Doctor-patient confidentiality?}

Ann: don't be a baby, Jack

(I think that got disregarded as a special circumstance for SG-1. You know everything I say goes directly to the General.)

{Oh, hell!}

[Oh, shit! Janet, you didn't tell me that!]

(*veg* Gotta keep some things to myself)

Ann: it's not like the reports are running around the Internet

AJ: That's very true. I'm very selective about what information I use that Janet's given me. Oops! I didn't say that, did I?

Ann: AJ.. shhh

AJ: I didn't say a damned word....Right, Janet?

(Right, AJ. I heard nothing. And since I outrank these other two, they don't have any proof that you said anything.)



Ann: lol
Ann: are they always this combative?

AJ: Ah, ain't life grand when you've got the CMO of Cheyenne Mountain as your buddy?

(Always....Which makes life so fun around here.)

Ann: I didn't realize that Janet was sooo devious. :-)
Ann: Is it because you don't get to go off world very often?

(There are a lot of things people don't know about me. Everyone's too damned preoccupied with the Volatile Twins over there.)

AJ: Oh, I happen to know quite a bit about Janet....

(You just shut your mouth, AJ.)

AJ: The last I heard, Janet's not allowed off-world unless it's with SG-1 or an extreme medical emergency reason....and SG-1 is kind of reticent to take her anymore....

Ann: why don't they want Janet along?

(Because I know too much about them)

Ann: worried that she'll want to go along all the time?

{That, too}

(*snicker* He's just too worried I'll start wanting exams on a daily basis off-world)

Ann: needles, right?

{Needles, yeah, needles *shudder*}

Ann: need to use the cream that numbs the area.


[Might not be a bad idea, Janet]

(I SOOO don't think so.)

Ann: we use that with my 12 year old, Jack
Ann: but it takes 45 minutes/ 1 hour to work.
Ann: lol

[*delighted giggles*]

(*evil snickers*)

{Oh shut the hell up, you two! I am not a 12 year old!}

(Of course not, Jack. You just act like one.)

Ann: sorry, Jack.. I set that one up.. :-)

{*grumble* S'okay. I'll just never live it down, if these two have anything to say about it.}

AJ: Excuse me, jack?

{Okay, these THREE....Happy now?}

AJ: For the moment....

Ann: I'll remember.. you want to be treated like a 12 year old...;-)

{I never said that!}

Ann: it was inferred..

{*rolls eyes* Whatever. This all got started because I liked that idea of two Sams in bed, didn't it?}

Ann: I'm not sure..
Ann: maybe
Ann: it was could you handle two Sams

[What's wrong with the idea of just one Sam in bed, Jack? Am I not good enough to please you?]

Ann: not going to win this one, Jack

AJ: Oh, hell, Jack, you're in for it now..... *AJ & Janet watch Jack try to backpedal out of this one*

Ann: won't work
Ann: too many witnesses.

{Now wait a minute here! Sam, baby, I never said that. You are more than enough for me in bed. I was just fantasizing a little. Can't a guy do that?}

Ann: Jack.. I'd stop talking while you're still standing

[*glares at Jack* Janet, AJ, do either of you have some spare room for a while? I think I need some time away from hormone boy over there.]

Ann: but Sam I was hearing that you and Jack were all over each other in Crystal Skull?
Ann: only rumors in the head of shippers?

AJ: *instantly shoots up a hand* I've got room, Sam! You can stay with me.

[Thank you, AJ.]

{Now, wait a minute! AJ's just as bad as I am, Sam. How can you agree to this?}

[Oh, we were, Ann. Note the emphasis on WERE. Jack's going to need to grow up before I consider going back to him. I may lov--like him a lot, but I'm not going to put up with some antiquated machismo attitude.]

Ann: Jack.. I'd grow up and apologize
Ann: if unless you want to sleep alone

[And I'm staying with AJ because I know up front what she's like. And because she knows I'll break her neck if she tries anything I don't agree to. Right, AJ?]

AJ: Uh, yeah.

Ann: Sam what can Jack do to apologize?
Ann: unless AJ wants your company of course

{Hold the phone! Sam, did you say you love me?}

[I said no such thing.]

(No, I heard it, too, Sam.)

AJ: Me, too.

{See? And they're siding with ME this time!}

[Oh, shut up all of you!]

Ann: I thought it was the L word and not like

[What can he do to apologize? I've told him time and again what I want. So has Janet, and AJ, and Danny, and even Teal'c and General Hammond. If he can't figure it out, maybe it's not worth it.]

Ann: Jack wake up.. she means it.

[*glares at Ann* It was a slip of the tongue. I did not actually say the whole word, so it doesn't count.]

(*chuckle* Damn, Sam, now you're starting to sound like Jack over there.)

Ann: two of them in denial.. so interesting to watch

{*gets down on his knees in front of Sam* Sam, baby, please, listen to me. I'm an old man and I've been set in my ways for many years, but I've been trying to change for you. But if I change everything, I'm not gonna be the Jack you love....and I know you love me, just as much as I love you. Please, baby, give me another chance?}

Ann: Jack said Love?!

(Isn't it tho'? Now you see what I get to watch every day. It's rather entertaining, to be quite honest.)

{*rolls his eyes at Ann* Yes, I said love....Is that so hard to believe?}

Ann: and heartfelt.. but Sam.. what do you say now?
Ann: hey... only my kids roll their eyes at me.

[*looks at Jack for a long moment, studying his face* I don't know, Jack. I mean, what's to stop you from finding another Laira? Or doing any of the other stupid things you've done over the past 3 years? How can I be sure I won't get hurt?}

AJ: sorry...ended with the wrong symbol there...was thinking of Jack's response already

Ann: lol
Ann: understood.
Ann: are they thinking the same thing? :-)

{I would sooner die than intentionally hurt you, Sam. Don't you know that?}

AJ: In some ways, yes they are....
AJ: And I know for a fact that I'm gonna turn this into a story for the list....Do you mind if I add in your bits of the convo? co-authorship?

Ann: no problem..:-)
Ann: well not co authorship
Ann: maybe a thank you

[I know. I'm just worried, Jack.]

AJ: that works

(Will you two stop yammering about the story? I'm trying to listen to jack and Sam! I need gossip here....)

Ann: Jack.. more honesty here.. is needed.
Ann: yes, Janet.
Ann: agreed.. Jack...

{What more can I say to make you understand, Sam? There is not a moment of any day that goes by that you're not in my thoughts. Hell, I've been coming up with some of the lamest jokes ever, on or off world, just to make you smile. And, despite what you may think, I thought of you every single day I was on Edora, wishing you'd been left there with me, so WE could start a family and have a real life together without the damned regs.}

Ann: so.. you turned to Laira?
Ann: oh please.. Jack that is sooo male
Ann: she was going to toss out your SG1 stuff
Ann: and took a good long time in telling you about Teal'c and you still invited her back to Earth?

{Okay, so she had an ulterior motive. I don't deny that possibility. And I only slept with her the one time...I was drunk and missing Sam.}
{I invited her out of common courtesy. I knew she wouldn't agree to it.}

Ann: and if she did?

{She didn't agree to it. Why should we play 'what if' games?}

Ann: but.. you invited her..
Ann: two sides.. you knew she would say no?

{I knew she'd say no. I knew she wouldn't leave her family and community behind just for herself.}

Ann: Lucky for you, Jack

{I don't deny that, not for a second. And I know I was an ass to Sam about that whole situation, and afterward with the whole Maybourne thing. I never intended to hurt you, Sam, honest.}

*AJ & Janet glance over at Sam, who is sitting rather quietly in front of Jack....

(You'd better apologize long and hard for that, Jack. You didn't see what it did to Sam when you were gone, how she nearly killed herself to bring you back and you didn't even thank her.)

Ann: and then you and the General didn't trust your team in the Maybourne situation

{I was gonna thank her. Honest, Sam, I was gonna thank you. I was gonna take you out to dinner, a real fancy place where they require a monkey suit, and thank you and then take you dancing. I wanted to tell you what had happened.}

Ann: and what happened?
Ann: you forgot? or chickened out?

{It wasn't my choice. I was overruled by the General. Whether or not he trusted my team is his decision, but I suspect he had no more control over the matter than I did.}
{No one would let me get close enough to Sam at first. Janet, Danny, Teal'c....they all ran interference between us. And then, General Hammond got me to do the undercover stuff. I didn't have a choice.}

Ann: so.. you think the General should apologize.. I don't think so.

(He does have a point there, Ann. We didn't let him anywhere near Sam unless one of us was with her.)

{I didn't say that. And I'd be hard-pressed to get him to do it even if I did have the guts to ask him to. He was doing his job, just like I had to. And he's taking enough slack for letting me and Sam have what little we've had together as it is.}

Ann: but you have black ops training.. you could have figured out a way.. after all Karen had you do that

{*thinks for a moment* She did? Now why don't I remember that?}

Ann: so where are you now?
Ann: yeah... Sam wouldn't talk to you so you spirited her off..
Ann: door no handles.. to a heat
Ann: very romantic

{*confused* That really happened? Damn, I thought that was a dream....But regardless, you're right. I could have gotten to Sam and told her. And I didn't. I didn't know how to get past her 24/7 bodyguard patrol. And, to be honest, having them not know made for the best reactions around the base in what happened. It made it all the more believable.}

[All the more believable? It nearly killed me, and all you cared about was believability to catch Maybourne? You're a pompous ass, Jack!]

Ann: lol
Ann: I'd be careful Jack.. I don't think Sam is quite ready to be happy with you just yet

{NO! You know why I wanted it that believable? Because if we didn't catch him and didn't stop what was happening, there'd be no Earth for us to live on in safety. There'd be no safe place for us to have and raise our children. There'd be no safe place for us to do anything but be Goa'uld slaves, and you and I both know we'd die before we submitted to that.}

Ann: so.. you did all of this for Sam

{Yes, I did all of it for Sam. *looks at Sam again, takes her hand* Baby, I just wanted things to be safe for us here on Earth. We face enough dangers whenever we step through that 'gate. I didn't want to have any of them here when we came home.}

Ann: believable, Sam?

(So you're saying that if you get recruited for Black Ops missions again, you're going to tell Sam next time? Or at least tell someone in the team so we can help her through it better?)

Ann: Oh I like that Janet.

[*blinks away tears* So help me, Jack, if you're lying....]

Ann: ahh.. sweet

(I'm not going to sit back and watch Sam try to kill herself with grief again, not now, not ever. If you can tell no one else of these things, you tell me. I'll keep it confidential enough so that no one knows I know, but I need to be able to support Sam when you're gone like that.)

{I'm not lying, Sam. I promise you...on Charlie's memory, I'm not lying.}

Ann: whoa... that sounds serious.

{And yes, Janet, I will agree to what you said.}
{I'm dead serious about this. No more joking around, no more trying to be "Joe Cool." This is just Jack, the man who loves you, Sam, more than anything else in the world right now.}

Ann: so.. Sam still not going home with him?
Ann: I think there are enough witnesses here to keep him honest

[*bites her lower lip, then looks up at Jack* You're promising on Charlie's memory? Jack, are you sure you're ready for that kind of commitment?]

(Oh, believe me, all he needs is me to keep him in line now....But having you and AJ helps, Ann)

AJ: Ann, now do you see what happens when I let these three out to play?

Ann: lol
Ann: very dangerous.

AJ: exactly my point. and this is the first time i've let all three out's usually singly or in pairs....

Ann: but Jack really does have a little thing called love going for him

AJ: Yes, he does....and if he's smart, he'll do what's right....

{*motions for AJ & Ann to shut up for a moment* Sam, baby, I'm more than ready for that kind of commitment. Hell, I've been moving things around in my house to make room for you....and for our kids whenever we have them. I don't want to end up a bitter old man again, like before I met you. You are the best thing that's happened to me since Charlie, and I don't intend to screw things up with you if I can help it.}

Ann: must be the spring weather.. making you all romantic jack

AJ: well, i've got all three of them clamouring for the keyboard....and Danny, Teal'c and Hammond are starting to...and i don't have symbols for them yet

{No, it's not the weather, not in the least. It's my age....and my heart.}

Ann: could use exclamation marks and asterisks

AJ: I use asterisks for MY actions....maybe exclamation marks, tildas, and equal signs?

Ann: Jack you really are a romantic person at heart
Ann: or dashes
Ann: slashes and back slashes

{*rolls his eyes again* Yeah well outside of the present company, don't expect me to admit that in public, okay?}

//You'll admit whatever you're commanded to admit, Son//

AJ: oh hell, hammond's in my brain now!!!

Ann: lol
Ann: so Gen.. do we need to work on those regs?

{With all due respect, Sir, can you save your lecture for another conversation?}

Ann: wouldn't want our favorite duo court martialed

//No, Jack, I'm just making a guest appearance. I don't intend to stay. And yes, Ann, I'm working on those regs. I've been looking for loopholes and seeing what favors I can call in. Not that I haven't been lenient already....//

Ann: blind eye and all
Ann: and maybe a helping hand

//Hell, you'd have to be blind not to see how much these two care for each other. I may be an old man, and a general to boot, but I'm not stupid. And I hope Jack's not being too stupid. I don't like to see Sam crying, you know.//

{No, Sir, I know you don't. I'm doing what I can to fix my mistakes, Sir.}

Ann: wow.. Jack not sarcastic.. I think this conversation has been good for you.

{*glares at Ann* Just don't let it be public knowledge, okay? I don't need my entire reputation ruined here. I just -- I just want things to be okay with Sam, that's all.}

Ann: my lips are sealed.

AJ: Mine too

(Mine, too)

//And mine//

Ann: and Gen. Hammond is on their side too.. sweet

{Sam? Baby, talk to me, Please?}

//Of course, I am, Ann. I may come off like a hardass, but I'm a big old teddy bear deep down....And if anyone catches wind of that, I'll court-martial all of you. Is that understood?//

Ann: like before.. lips sealed.
Ann: sitting back and enjoying the ride

*AJ & Janet nod

//Good. And on that note, I've got to debrief SG-11 in a few minutes. AJ, I trust you'll let me know how things turn out?//

AJ: Yes, Sir, General Hammond.

{Sam? Please say something?}

Ann: waits patiently..

[I don't know what to say right now, Jack. I'm kind of in shock here. I wasn't expecting the conversation to turn the way it did. And I certainly wasn't expecting your admissions.]

{I'm sorry that this had to get all ugly like that. So I'm a big oaf, sometimes, but I did mean it when I said I loved you, and that I want us to be together. Don't you want that too?}

[*nods, sniffling back tears* Yes, Jack, I do. I love you, Jack, even when you're an insufferable, idiotic ass. I don't know how many times Janet's threatened to beat me senseless if I didn't say something to you.]

(Damned straight, I did.)

{So, what are you saying, Sam?}

[I'm saying....I love you, Jack. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I don't want to have to deal with all the bullshit we've had to deal with so far. I can't handle anymore of that.]

AJ: damn, but they do have a flair for the dramatic, don't they?

Ann: heart.. pitter patters.. happily
Ann: well that's why we love them so.

{No more intentional bullshit, Sammie, I swear it.}

Ann: holds breathe.. at Sammie use..

(Here we go with "Sammie" again *rolls eyes*)

{Shut up, Janet!}


{Yes, Sam?}

[Don't ever call me 'Sammie' again, okay? There are only 3 people in this world allowed to call me that. My father, my brother....and my mom. And I don't believe you're any one of them.]

{I understand, Sam.}

[Now, as for calling me 'baby]

Ann: smiles at how meek Jack is.


[I think I can handle that, as long as you don't use it condescendingly. Got it, Jack?]

{*grins at Ann* Whatever it takes to make my Sam happy.}
{Got it, Sam.}

Ann: :-)

AJ: So, kids, is everything solved now? Everything happy?



Ann: Sam?

[Yes, AJ, everything's okay....for now. We'll see how well Jack keeps his promise.]

(And you know that I'm going to make sure Daniel and Teal'c know what the score is.)

AJ: And I'll tell the general.

Ann: witnesses..Sam.. witnessses.. we'll hold Jack's feet to the fire to keep him honest

AJ: And of course, this will be going to the list, Jack, you know that, right?

{*grudgingly* yes, AJ, I know that.}

Ann: lol

(So, AJ, since Sam won't be needing to bunk down over at your place anymore, you wanna come spend the weekend with me? Cassie's gone on a school weekend camping trip....)


{*raises eyebrows in amusement* Yeah, AJ, what's up with you and Janet?}

[Yeah, AJ....I've heard some interesting things....]

AJ: I'm pleading the fifth.... *whispers to Janet* I'll be there at 8....

Ann: lol

{I heard that!!! AJ & Janet sitting in a tree... K I S S I N G}

AJ: Shut UP, Jack!

Ann: Jack.. don't you have better things to be doing?


AJ: Shut up, or I'll tell Sam about what you told me...

{*instantly shuts up* No, I don't know what you're talking about, AJ. And you promised you'd keep that a secret till I thought the time was right. *grabs Sam's hand* Come on, baby, let's go out to dinner to celebrate.}

[*stops in her tracks* No, Jack, I don't think so. I want to know what AJ knows....and I want a kiss, damnit!]

Ann: KISSING.. first comes love...

AJ: Then comes marriage

(then comes baby in a baby carriage....after Sam gets off the pill)

Ann: lol at Janet.
Ann: yup.

{*tries to ignore the three women and pulls Sam close for a tender kiss* I love you, Sam}

Ann: should we give them their privacy?

AJ: I think so. It's only fair....

Ann: oh what a night

AJ: No kidding....
AJ: Okay, I gotta beat feet now anyway....I got a pagan meeting to go to tonight....

Ann: k

AJ: talk to you later....

Ann: have a good evening

AJ: okay.... talk to you later

**A few moments pass by in relative silence**

[They gone yet?]

{*looks around* Coast is clear. C'mere, baby.}

[*moves into Jack's arms, accepting his gentle kiss, purring* Mmmm....I thought they'd NEVER leave.]

**Discreet fade to black....cuz Showtime will never show us what we really want to see anyway....**


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