Death Becomes Her
~*+*~
In the night I hear you speak
Turn around, you're in my sleep
With your hands inside my soul,
Holding on and you won't let go
Steel bars, Michael Boltin.
~*+*~
He still sees her.
Although she probably isn't even actually *there,* she is to him. Which is all that really matters in his twisted and pathetic existence that he now calls his life.
His friends have stopped coming to visit him; they don't understand what it's like. What it's like to *see* her and *know* that she's there without her really being there at all.
They all gave up on him.
They figured that he was crazy. He wonders that himself sometimes. Maybe he *is* crazy? Maybe grief really is too strong for his old body and battered heart to handle again. Maybe……but then again, maybe he just needs to see her.
And they don't get that.
Even Jonas, the eternal optimist, gave up on him. Which is strange in itself. What he doesn't get, is that when Daniel…..`died'…..for want of a better term, they all believed him when he told them about Ba'al and how he saw Daniel there, how he talked to his supposedly `dead' friend.
Maybe they see ascension as being too different from what happened to her to actually make is plausible that he can see her, touch her, *feel* her.
He's not crazy, he knows.
He was once, through the help of the bugs that they found in the Linviris' chamber, he got to experience what it was like to actually be certifiably `nuts.' Daniel went further than he did on the crazy scale during that experience, and he saw what his friend went through.
He knows what it looks, and feels like, to be crazy
And he's not there yet.
Even if they don't believe him.
~*+*~
Most people I know,
Think that I'm crazy
And I know at times
I act a little hazy
But, If that's my way
And you should know it is
In every way, help to show it.
Billy Thorpe (And the Aztecs) Most people I know.
~*+*~
He went to her house, which was now technically his. And he walked through each of the rooms.
She had given him a key a few years ago, and this was the first time he had used it. And as he looked at everything in the house, all the memories of her, he realised that it would also be the last time that he used it.
He felt the silent tears run down his face as he saw the picture of the original SG-1 on the table by the hall. It dawned on him that this didn't feel right. He shouldn't be here without her.
Jack quickly locked the house and left, throwing the key she had given him into the bin.
He shouldn't have come here.
~*+*~
I, walked down through the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I
Shouldn't be here
Without permission.
I shouldn't be here
Untitled, Alanis Morissette.
~*+*~
His house was too cold for him.
He had to get out of there.
Without any conscious thought, Jack jumped in her car and turned the key, feeling the smooth rumbling of her Volvo as it sprang to life. It was the one thing he actually *wanted* to inherit from her.
He'd always loved that car…..always wanted to drive it.
She knew that, she always had done.
No, that wasn't right. He'd always wanted to drive it with her in the passenger seat, telling him to be gentle on the brakes. She would've been telling him that burning rubber was not her idea of how to drive a classic.
She was a shocking backseat driver.
It was another one of the things that he had always loved about her.
He pulled the car into first gear, dropped the clutch and hit the accelerator, smoking the tires as he pulled away from the curve. Jack checked the rear-vision mirror and almost laughed gleefully at the skid marks he'd left on the tar outside of his house.
Memorabilia.
One day, he knows, he'll look at those streaks of black and remember the first time he drove her car…..and the first time that he saw her.
"Please don't hurt my car."
"I won't."
"Easy on the clutch."
He sighed. "I know."
"This car is a classic…..watch the brakes!"
"Will you relax?"
"Not with you behind the wheel of my baby." She smiled at him, and Jack felt his heart melt. "Take a left up here." She ordered, and he did so without question.
Jack followed her directions, and drove along a dirt road until they reached the plateau of a small cliff, with a view of the Colorado River beneath them. The sun was setting and Jack thought that it looked like the front of a postcard. He could almost see `Wish you were here' written in the mauve sky, just above the setting sun.
He got out of the car carefully and slowly, almost afraid that the smallest of disruptions could shatter this picturesque view.
She followed merely seconds later, stepping out of the car to come and sit on the bonnet of her `baby.'
"You can sit on it, but I can't smoke the tires a little?" He asked her, amusement and contentment playing across his face.
"I own him."
"Him?" Jack repeated, his eyebrows skyrocketing.
"I suppose you see it as a her, right?"
"Well…..yes, but if you think that she…..he should be a him, then that's what your car is."
"Why are we arguing about the gender of an inanimate object?" she asked, smiling despite her words.
"But it's your baby. He argued.
She nodded and smiled at her own defeat. "You win."
"I know." He smiled, joining her on the car.
They sat in silence, words weren't necessary…..come to think of it, they never really had been between them. Jack tried to think back to the point in time when she had learned to read him with nothing more than a glance.
It had been a few years ago, six at the very least. They had served together for almost seven years, and she had learned his habits well in that time.
Suddenly it came to him.
Antarctica.
It had to have been when they'd been stuck in Antarctica together, that's when she'd learned to interpret everything he did. It was usually a good thing, when they went into battle together, all he had to do was look at her and she knew what he would do next, and what he wanted her to do.
Silent communication between them was a very good thing at times like that.
Of course it wasn't such a good thing when she could look at him and just *know* that he was checking her out.
"You used to do that a lot."
"What?"
"Check me out."
"Is it *my* fault that you're gorgeous?"
Normally, he would never have even *dreamed* of saying that to her. Okay, maybe just one of two dreams late at night. But something about this situation, and the serenity that it invoked in him, made it easier to say.
"Why are you here Carter?"
"Because you need me."
~*+*~
Even you face the night,
Afraid and alone
That's why I'll be there.
Celine Dion, if that's what it takes.
~*+*~
He'd looked at her long and hard.
She looked exactly as he imagined, and remembered, her. Beautiful as always, shining hair, sparkling eyes.
It was just…..her.
Part of him, a rather large part if he was honest, wanted to reach out and touch her, to feel her smooth skin under his callused hands and know that she was actually *there* and not just a hallucination that he had taken directions from to bring him to this ethereal spot.
Then again, if she was a hallucination, wouldn't she have tried to push him off the cliff by now?
That's what his hallucinations usually did.
They tried to kill him, hurt him, either physically or emotionally.
When he saw Charlie, which didn't happen very often these days, his son usually tried to help him grieve but only succeeded in making him hurt all the more. When he saw the *other* type of hallucinations, they generally tried to kill him……Ba'al, the Iraqi sons of bitches that had held him in that prison for three damn months, Apophis, Klorel…..the list was far too long for his liking.
But she wasn't really doing anything, just being…..her.
And being her, she knew exactly when he was ready to talk and exactly when she was supposed to keep her mouth shut.
Like now, for instance.
It was obvious that he was thinking, and disturbing that was never a good idea. She'd sit and wait for him to finish his thoughts before she tried to engage him in any more inconsequential conversation.
And it was that inconsequential conversation with her that he had missed the most.
No talking about the Goa'uld, the SGC, their family or friends, how Daniel was fitting back into life as a flesh and bone being. Though secretly, Jack half suspected that if anything happened to him, then he'd go all glowy again anyway, so he tended not to worry as much as he did before Daniel……ascended.
"I didn't do that." She told him suddenly.
"Didn't do what?"
"Ascend."
"I wasn't thinking that."
"You would have, eventually. You would've wondered if I had ascended like Daniel did. I just wanted to get in first and tell you that I didn't."
"Then what did you do?"
He waited for her to answer, but the slightly realistic part of him knew that she wouldn't.
Not yet.
In time, maybe, but he suspected that now wasn't the right time.
She didn't saying anything for a few long moments, just sat there, her eyes flicking alternatively between the view and him.
"It beautiful here."
"It is." He agreed. "How did you find this place?"
"I scattered my mothers ashes over that cliff top with dad a few years ago. I come up here sometimes to think, or…..whatever."
Jack knew what that `whatever' meant.
It meant that she cried up here. He was almost disgusted to feel moisture pricking at his own eyes as he watched her.
She didn't look any different to him.
"That's because I'm not any different." She told him, reading either his thoughts or his facial expression.
After all that had happened, he had to wonder: How could she not be any different?
~*+*~
Where does it end?
There's too much for me to take
There's no peace, you close your eyes
I'm all out of truth, I'm all on alibi's
Where does it end?
There's too much for me to take
One by One, Cher
~*+*~
Jack knew that eventually he would have to go home, back to the emptiness of his own house.
But he couldn't do it yet.
Faced with the choice of leaving her and going to a cold house, or staying here with here on this cliff top, Jack realised that he would sit up here until he starved to death before he left her.
"I'll come with you, you know."
"I know."
She chewed her bottom lip, before looking at him with an intense gaze. "We could go to my house."
"You don't look like you're carrying any keys, and I don't think your neighbors would appreciate me breaking a window."
"I did give you a key at one stage." She reminded him gently.
Jack sighed, and looked down at his hands. "I know, but I couldn't keep it. Didn't feel right." He admitted, with a small shrug.
"There's a spare key."
He nodded and they both seemed to reach the same decision, and he once again saw just how unnecessary words really were between them.
Sliding off the car, they both walked to their respective sides and got in. Jack started the car with care, and slowly backed away from the cliff, only now realizing how dangerously close they had been to the edge.
"I wouldn't have let you fall." She told him as they turned back onto the main road.
"I didn't doubt that."
The rest of their journey was made in silence, and the radio played softly in the background. Jack recognized the Choirboy's `Run to paradise' playing on the nameless station, and he thought the song was oddly appropriate, but decided not to break their mutually agreed upon silence.
When they reached her house, he shut off the engine and they got out and walked silently to the front door. Jack looked at her expectantly.
"Flower pot." She told him, and he nodded and reached into the dirt and pulled out the key.
Inserting it into the lock, he felt it jam half way, refusing to go any further. He turned back to her, and noticed that she was smiling at him.
"It doesn't fit." He told her, stating the obvious.
"I know."
"Then how do we get in?"
"That's the key to the back door."
"And the key to the front door would be…..?"
"In a flower pot out the back."
Jack grinned, typical of Carter to do that. She'd turned something so easy around and made it just complicated enough that any burglars would be confused.
He walked around the back of her house and reached into the identical flower pot to the one that had been out the front and pulled the key out, before walking back to her and opening the front door.
Bending over he went to replace the key in it's place.
"Don't." She told him suddenly, stopping his hand, mid-burial of the key.
"Why not?"
"You should keep them."
He understood what she was offering, and gripped the keys tightly, touched. "You sure?"
"I want you to have them."
He nodded and held the door open and she walked past him and into her house.
Sam stopped in the hallway, standing in front of the full-length antique mirror that had belonged to her grandmother-then her mother, then her and now him, since he had inherited all of her stuff- and she looked at herself properly.
"What?" He asked, noticing her critical scrutiny of herself.
"This is what I was wearing when it happened."
"When what happened?"
"When I…..you know."
He did know, and he also noticed that she couldn't say the words, but he didn't want to bring it up. Not now, at least.
"You look good." He told her, honestly.
And it was the truth.
She wasn't wearing anything spectacular, black jeans, a blue silk shirt that she had brought using a gift voucher he'd given her for Christmas. She also had on the silver ring that SG-1 had given her to celebrate her promotion.
"I guess I should get used to it."
"Why do you say that?"
She had tears in her eyes as she looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Because I'm going to be wearing it for eternity."
~*+*~
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realise
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can loose sight of it
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small.
Cindy Lauper, true colours.
~*+*~
They sat together on her lounge, watching her television while he drank her beer. She hadn't said anything else to him all night, and they'd been there for almost three hours.
Jack turned to her. "Can I touch you?"
Her own head spun to face him, shocked at his words. "What?"
"Can I touch you?" He repeated.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, since you're…..you know." She nodded, she did know. "I was wondering if I could touch you, or if my hand would pass through you."
She stood up and looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to do the same.
Slowly, ever so slowly, she took small steps towards him, almost afraid of what might happen if they did touch, or worse, if they didn't.
And slowly she reached him.
And their bodies came into contact and he could actually *feel* her.
In that moment, he knew that he'd do anything for her.
Anything for love.
~*+*~
Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that.
Will you cater to every fantasy I've got?
Will you hose me down in holy water if I get too hot?
Will you take me to places I've never known?
I can do that.
Meatloaf, I would do anything for love. (But I won't do that.)
~*+*~
So now he spends his days with her, talking to her, being with her.
They've never discussed what happened, but he knows that it's only a matter of time before she says something about it, and they are faced with the reality of what's changed.
And so much has changed now.
His friends abandoned him after he talked about his downtime with her non-stop for a week. They saw him as losing it, thinking that his grief had finally consumed him. In a way, he supposed that they were right.
After all, he was having a relationship with someone who had…..'You know.'
One day they had cornered him about it, forced him to tell them everything about his new relationship with her.
And he had, willingly; he'd talked with them for over two hours.
Telling them how magical it was to be with her, even though they hadn't made love yet, and he told them about their conversations, picnic's, everything.
Then they sent him to Mackenzie.
And, eventually he too had given up on him.
And then Jack had been declared mentally and emotionally unfit for active duty. His friends had tried everything to get him back to his `normal self' as they called it.
They had sent Fraiser after him (And as scary as her needles were, he wouldn't give up Sam.) They'd sent Jacob Carter after him, and that had only made Jack feel worse that he could see the man's daughter, when he was clearly grieving.
Finally, in what must have been their last act of desperation, they'd used the red phone.
And then he'd got a call on his cell from the President.
As in, of the United States of America.
The President had begged-actually *begged*- him to take it all back. All he had to do was say that he was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome and then they would take him back, no questions would be asked.
Jack had thought long and hard about it…..for all of three point seven seconds and he'd looked at Sam who was obliviously watching and old re-run of Buffy.
And he realized that he couldn't give her up.
So he basically told everyone to go jump.
She'd beamed at him when he got off the phone. She jumped up and hugged him for all of her worth.
"I knew that you wouldn't let me go through this alone." She'd whispered.
"What do you mean?"
"Um…..nothing Jack, nothing at all." She'd smiled.
And then they'd made love.
~*+*~
Look at this face,
I know the years are showing
Look at this life
I still don't know where its going
I don't know much,
But I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know.
I don't know much, (And *I* can't remember the artist. Grr.)
~*+*~
Jack couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong with her.
Well, he didn't really have any evidence of that fact, but she was…..weird. While still being the same Samantha Carter that he had always known and loved, she was different.
Then again, he supposed that…..`you know'…..could do that to a person.
She doesn't have to eat or drink-but she does, to be sociable with him-, or go to the toilet, but…..`you know' *will* do that to a person. She showers, but only with him.
And they never seem to end up getting around to the soap part anyway.
She watches television, but never turns it on herself. Actually, when he thinks about it, the only thing that she ever touches is her car and him.
Not that he minds, of course.
Who would?
They have a Friday ritual.
They wake up-in her bed, he moved out of his house months ago and all of his stuff is at her place, now *their* place- they make love and then shower. Then they pack a picnic basket and head to their cliff where they have lunch, make love again and talk until darkness falls.
Today is Friday.
Jack is lying on their blanket and she is sprawled across him, dozing lightly until she gets up and sits cross-legged in front of him, waiting for him to mimic the action, which he does immediately.
"We never talked about it."
"What?" Jack looked at her, confused.
"You know."
"Say it."
"Why?"
"Because Sammie, we've been together for the last eight months, and you've haven't been able to say it."
"Fine! We haven't talked about when I died. Happy?"
"No. But I thought it might help you."
"Since when did you start taking notes from Mackenzie?" She snapped, angry at him for making her say it. Angry at him for making her admit it and, shamefully, she was angry at him for being alive while she wasn't.
"Sam….."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"What did you want to talk about?"
She goes silent for a moment, and Jack thinks that maybe he pushed her too far, too soon. Eventually she turns back from her study of the setting sun to look at him thoughtfully.
"How did you find out that I died?" She asks.
"The hospital called me. I was on your list of people to call in cases of emergency."
"I thought that may have been how. What did they say?"
"Sammie…..do you really want to be hearing this?"
She laughed grimly. "I know that it seems like morbid curiosity, but I don't remember anything from that…..experience. And I want to know what you were told, and what happened."
"You don't remember what happened?"
"I remember that I'm dead, I know that I'm dead but.…." Her voice was strange as she said it, he noted, not like her at all. "I don't know how I died."
"I was on my way to the SGC when I got the call. The hospital wouldn't tell me what was wrong over the phone, just that I should get there immediately and contact any relatives or friends. They said that we'd have to say goodbye. I swung the car around and got pulled over by two different RBT units. They all thought I was drunk with the way I was driving, and I had my cell in my hand, trying to tell Daniel what I knew in between breathing into the breath testing unit and telling the cops that I was sober, so that didn't help matters." Jack sighed and looked at his hand, the memories washing over him.
"What happened when you got to the hospital?" She asked softly, placing a hand on his arm.
"They said that your heart had failed, and they didn't know why. You flat-lined twice and they revived you the first time but there was no hope after that."
"What was wrong with my heart?" She asked, feeling her eyes well up with the tears that were mirrored in Jack's.
"They didn't know. The doctor's wanted to do an autopsy to find out but….."
Sam shivered and shook her head vehemently. "I wouldn't have wanted that."
"That's what I told them."
Sam chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. "So, you really don't know exactly why I died?"
"Not really." He admitted.
"Where am I buried?" She asked suddenly, something that surprised Jack.
He didn't even pause to think about answering her. "Next to Charlie."
They lapsed back into silence and watched as the last rays of the sun fell behind the mountain and their cliff was left bathed in only the very last few colours of the daytime sky.
"It'll be dark soon." She told him, and he nodded his head. "Jack,"
"What?"
"I have to go away for a while."
Jack's eyes widened in shock. "What? Why?"
"It's just something that I need to do." She replied cryptically.
"Why do you want to leave me?" He asked, hurt.
"I don't want to leave you Jack, but I have to go away for a while. I'll be back, and I know that if I don't come back then you'll find me."
"How will I know where to look for you?"
"You'll know." She smiled, kissed him sweetly and then disappeared as if she were never there.
As Jack stood up to leave, he heard a whisper in the winds that sounded suspiciously like Sam's voice.
"I love you, Goodbye."
~*+*~
I don't really want to go,
But deep in my heart I know.
This is the kindest thing to do.
Celine Dion, I love you, Goodbye
~*+*~
Jack went home to their empty house and he felt her loss immediately. He was almost tempted to throw away his new set of keys and leave forever, but something stopped him.
He looked around the house with a careful eye, there was something different about it. The place that he had easily come to think of as home didn't feel like it had in the morning, and Jack noticed the envelope sitting on the breakfast bar, with his name on it, and he knew that was it.
It was Sam's writing, he could definitely see that, but he was almost too shocked to pick it up. He'd lived with her for eight months and this was the first time that she had touched something other than himself or her car.
Picking up the letter with shaky hands and opened the envelope, pulling out the piece of paper, he stared at the contents, confused.
Jack, 16 12 5 1 19 5 6 9 14 4 13 5 1 12 12 9 19 14 15 20 1 19 9 20 19 5 5 13 19 Love always, Sam. 16, 27, 8, 32, 21, 3, 1
Jack had never been any good at codes, apart from the Worldwide recognized alphabet and Morse code, and he had no idea what this could mean.
So he went to the only person he could think of that might know.
He had to find out what Sam wanted to tell him.
~*+*~
See me, as if you never knew
Hold me, so you can't let go
Just believe in me,
I will make you see
All the things that
You're heart needs to know
I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart.
Celine Dion, To love you more
~*+*~
Getting in had been a lot easier that he'd had anticipated. Although Jack suspected that the General had made it that way in case he ever decided to come back unannounced.
Walking through the halls of the SGC didn't even phase Jack, they were just walls after all.
He headed towards Daniels office-assuming that he hadn't moved to somewhere else- and was relieved to see his friend bent over an archeology book.
Jack was glad that some things really never did change.
"Daniel."
Daniel jumped, not having heard anyone approaching. "Jack! What are you doing here?"
"Can't I just drop by to say `hi'?"
"You haven't done that for eight months, you haven't even wanted contact with us since Sam died."
Daniel saw Jack visibly flinch as he said the words, but Jack shook it off. "I need your help actually." He admitted.
"With what?"
"How good are you at codes?"
"What?"
"I have a letter here, from a friend but it's written in code, and I can't figure it out. I was hoping you could."
Daniel eyed his friend suspiciously. "Is this coded letter from Sam?"
"Yes." Jack didn't see any reason to hide it, after all, the letter had `love always, Sam' written on it so denial was pointless.
"Did she write it before she died?" Daniel asked.
"If you're asking do I still see her, then the answer is no." Not technically, his mind supplied. "I just want to know if you can see some sort of…..pattern or something in this or not."
He handed Daniel the letter and waited while his friend looked at it thoughtfully. "The alphabet." Daniel said simply, handing the letter back to him.
Jack took the letter back. "Care to elaborate?"
"Each number represents a letter of the alphabet. A is 1 and so on and so forth."
"You figured that out just by looking at it for a few seconds?" Jack asked, slightly annoyed that he hadn't seen that for himself.
"Sam and I use…..used to use that code when we e-mailed each other about stuff that we would rather people didn't understand." Daniel winced as he referred to her in present tenses.
Old habits die hard, he thought wryly.
"What does it say?" Jack asked, looking down at the letter in his hands.
"I didn't read it Jack, it was addressed to you. If Sam wrote that before she died, then I can guess what it was about, but I'm not invading her privacy. Or yours for that matter."
"What do you mean `you can guess'?"
"Sam was in love with you Jack, you knew that. Maybe this letter was something that she wrote in case anything ever happened to her."
"Maybe….."
"Where did you find it?"
"In her house." Jack mumbled, not willing to say anything more until he had read her letter. "Thank you for your help Daniel, I appreciate it."
He smiled and left the lab.
~*+*~
Jack headed for the commissary, hoping to get a chance to decode the letter. He'd just learned that Colonel Franks, the new CO of SG-1, had taken his office, and the mess was the only place that Jack could think of where he could get some reasonable level of privacy.
After all, everyone thought he was nuts, why would they want to socialize with him?
Finding an empty table and chair at the back of the room, Jack grabbed a glass of blue Jell-O-Despite red being far superior-and sat down, the letter, a pen and a notepad next to him.
Three hours, four cups of coffee, two glasses of blue Jell-O and three slices of pie later, and Jack had finally translated the latter.
What was:
Jack, 16 12 5 1 19 5 6 9 14 4 13 5. 1 12 12 9 19 14 15 20 1 19 9 20 19 5 5 13 19 Love always, Sam. 16, 27, 8, 32, 21, 3, 1
Translated to:
Jack, PLEASE FIND ME. ALL IS NOT AS IT SEEMS, love always, Sam. P?H? VCA
He sort of understood the first part of the letter but P?H?VCA had him thoroughly confused. Just as he was about to bang his head against the table, he saw Daniel enter the room and waved the other man over.
"Did you figure out the letter?"
"Kind of."
"What do you mean `kind of'?"
"Do you know what P?H?VCA could mean?"
"Ah…..what are the question marks supposed to represent?" Daniel asked, looking at the letters that Jack had scribbled down for him.
"They're the numbers that were over twenty six, and therefore couldn't be part of the alphabet code."
"Well, they aren't letters then, and there are seven numbers, the last number is one….." Daniel waited for Jack to figure it out.
"A Stargate address?"
"That would have been my guess, though why Sam would put a `Gate address in a love letter is beyond me." Daniel grinned, typical Sam.
She'd probably done it just to confuse Jack.
"Thanks Danny…..I gotta go see the General." Jack mumbled, gathering his things together before running to the general's office, suddenly a little more optimistic about his situation.
~*+*~
There are mountains in our way
But we climb a step every day
Joe Cocker, Love lift us up
~*+*~
George Hammond was, quite frankly, bored.
Now that it was a bad thing, not really.
All of his teams were safe, and the three that were off world were all on secondary contact missions, so he felt no big need to worry. Tessa and Kayla were on school holidays and having fun with their mother.
So, essentially, he had nothing to worry about…..which was odd in itself.
"Still working hard I see."
Hammond looked up at the man leaning against his doorframe. "Always." He smiled, the first genuine smile that he'd shown in a while. "It's good to see you Jack.
"You too sir." Jack returned, sitting down. "I need a favor."
"Just name it."
Jack handed the General a piece of paper with six Stargate symbols on it. "I need to go through the Stargate to that address."
"Where does it lead?"
"I don't know." He answered honestly.
"Why do you want to go there then?"
"Because I think that Sam may be there."
Hammond sighed. "Jack…..I know how much she meant to you, she meant a lot to all of us. But you need to accept the fact that she's gone."
"Sir, with respect, I disagree. I know that you all think I'm nuts….."
"We don't think you're nuts Jack." Hammond cut in.
"Then you think that I've lost a few brain cells because I miss her so much, and you're right, I do miss her, but I don't think she's dead."
Scrubbing his hands over his face, Hammond looked at his former second in command with worry. "Why not Jack? You were at the funeral, you gave a eulogy, and you saw her being lowered into the ground, like we all did. Why can't you accept this?"
"Off the record sir?"
Hammond nodded slowly, wondering where this was going. "Alright."
"I saw her."
"Jack….."
"No sir, you don't understand. For the last eight months, I've been living with her, at her house. Now, I know that you think I'm making this up, but I *felt* her, talked to her, and she was the same Samantha Carter that I knew and….."
"Loved?" Hammond supplied, he wasn't as blind as some people liked to believe.
Jack nodded wearily, his eyes downcast. "Yes sir, love. But not in the past tense because I think that something happened to her, and I think that the address you have in your hands might hold some of the answers."
"Jack…..I don't want to believe that she's dead any more than you do, but I can't authorize you to go through the Stargate. I have no official reason to send you."
"You don't believe me." Jack realized suddenly.
"I want to Jack, God knows I want to."
"Sir, *please.* I'm not asking you to dedicate any of the SGC's resources. I only want the chance to see what's on this planet."
"Where did you get the address?"
Jack just *knew* that this wasn't going to go over well. "Sam gave it to me. Yesterday she told me that she had to go away for a while, and that I'd know where to find her if she didn't come back. I got home and found a letter from her, in code, and it had the address in it."
"Do you have the letter?"
Reaching into his pocket, Jack pulled out the translated version of the letter and waited while Hammond read it.
"Officially, I can't do anything." Hammond told him slowly. "But I can make you an unofficial deal."
Suddenly, Jack got a lot more interested in this conversation. "I understand you're in a difficult position sir."
"I can't let you go through the Stargate to this address…..but," Hammond had the sinking feeling that he was about to throw his good record out of the window. "What would happen if you suddenly told everyone what they're waiting to hear?"
"That it was all in my head?"
"Exactly. You got the call from the President, all you have to do is say that you were suffering from PTSD and we'll take you back. Then, after a mineral survey or two, what's to stop you from going to this planet from somewhere else?"
"Are you saying what I think you're saying sir?"
"What do you think I'm saying?"
"That you'll take me back and then I can, unofficially, go through the Stargate from another planet and check this place out?" Jack asked, his mind chewing over the possibilities.
"That's what I'm saying. But, if you don't find anything, then I want you to promise me that will be it."
"Sir, if this planet turns up with nothing then I'll give up. I promise that you won't hear me mention Sam in present terms again. And I'll stay at the SGC just to keep you on your toes." He grinned, and Hammond saw some of the old Jack O'Neill in that grin.
"Okay. As of five minute's from now-when this conversation goes back on the record-you'll be reinstated into the SGC as my second in command. I'll put you back on SG-1 and you and the other three members of your team will go on two mineral surveys to get you back into the swing of things. Then, next Tuesday you, Doctor Jackson, Mr. Quinn and Teal'c will go on a mission to P4N 629 which will be a four day, three night mission."
"And then I can go to this planet and search for Sam?"
Hammond was sure, his career was definitely over if anyone found out about this. "If you can't find her, then you are to return to your team and come back to Earth together. Understood?"
"Yes sir."
"Good, now Colonel, I believe that you have to go and see your team and tell them what's going on."
"Thank you sir." Jack smiled and headed towards the door.
"Jack…..how are you going to find her?"
Jack turned back to face his superior. "Love."
~*+*~
Love will lead us, all right
Love will lead us
She will lead us
Live, Dolphin's cry
~*+*~
Jack made a quick stop by Daniel's lab before leaving. He saw that his friend had company in the form of Janet Fraiser so he only stayed long enough to tell him that he, Jonas and Teal'c needed to be at Sam's house by eight, for a team meeting.
Daniel looked slightly confused by the term `team' but agreed to show up and bring the others anyway.
As he was walking away, Jack heard Doctor Fraiser speak. "What do you think that was all about?" She asked.
"Don't know." Came the reply. "I guess I'll find out tonight."
He signed out of the base, and the security guard at the front gate told him that when he came back the following day, they would have a security pass ready for him.
Jack smiled his thanks at the nameless airman and drove home in silence, his thoughts never straying far from Sam.
"Help me out here Sam, where are you?" He whispered, completely lost.
~*+*~
I keep trying to find my way
But all I know is
I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you.
Delta Goodram, Lost Without you
~*+*~
Falling into bed, Jack figured that he had at least eight hours before he needed to get up to talk to his team. Until then, he was going to catch up on the sleep that he had missed the previous night.
*
You found hope
You found faith
Found how fast she could take it away
Found true love
Lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are
You will fly and
You will crawl
God knows even angel's fall
No such thing as you've lost it all
God knows even angel's fall
Jack found himself cursing whoever chose that song. Despite the truth of the lyrics, he could never understand why people chose songs like that to play at funerals.
He always liked to think that when he died, that they would play music that he liked, songs that reminded people what he'd liked, not something with depressing appropriate lyrics. Led Zep and Meatloaf blaring out of the churches sound system probably wouldn't have gone over very well though.
The church was nice enough…..not that he had been in many churches throughout his life. At the front was a large altar with dozens of flowers surrounding a blown up picture of SG-1, Sam's smiling face shining back at them.
The funeral coordinator stepped up to the podium to speak as soon as the last chords of Jessica Riddle's song finished.
"Now, Samantha Carter's former Commanding officer, Colonel Jack O'Neill, will deliver a eulogy." He nodded at Jack and stepped down.
Jack slowly rose from his seat, the front pew of the church, and walked towards the podium. He looked down at the palm cards that contained his carefully thought out, and typed, eulogy. He'd thought it was a good speech to deliver at her funeral, but a thought came to him.
`When I die,' She had said one night after a few beers, looking closely at him. `If you give a speech at my funeral, then I want you to tell the truth as you saw it. Don't say what people would expect, say what you want.'
Well, he decided suddenly, he was going to do just that.
Turning the palm cards face down, he looked up at the congregation in the church, looking over the sea of faces, most crying, others with tears in their eyes. Some he recognized from the SGC-he wondered briefly if there was anyone left guarding the mountain-some he didn't.
He saw Sara sitting at the back of the church, offering her silent support. They'd started talking a few months earlier, ironically, mostly thanks to Carter telling him that he should talk to his ex- wife.
Taking a deep breath, Jack moved closer to the microphone.
The words seemed to rush from his mouth. "Samantha Carter was…..the most annoying person that I have ever met. She was too enthusiastic for her own damn good and she had very selective hearing when it came to following orders. She was too intelligent for me to keep up with and she had a brain the size of a small country.
Carter liked anchovies on her pizza, need I say more? She was the only person that I have ever known who can go from listening to Meatloaf, to Celine Dion, to Pat Benatar, to nameless heavy metal, and she could sing along to all of them. Anyone who had ever had to share a locker room with her would know that Samantha Carter couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, but she didn't care.
Now, as well of being all of those things, Samantha Carter was the smartest, most caring and loving person that I have ever met. She touched the lives of so many people, some of whom couldn't be here" Due to gray skin and oddly shaped bodies, Jack thought with a small smile. "But every one of you was touched by this amazing woman. And she is someone that we all knew and loved, and will never forget."
He stepped down from the podium, expecting the coordinator to retake his place for the un-classified life history of Major Samantha Carter.
But instead, he saw Jacob stand up from his seat and clap, tears evident in his eyes.
The rest of the congregation rose and applauded as well, and Jack could swear that he saw Samantha Carter standing at the entrance of the church, smiling.
*
Jack wasn't sure what woke him, but he was thankful that he didn't have to relive the memories of her funeral again.
"Jack!" That was Daniel. Shit, Jack thought, looking at the clock. Damn that man for always being on time.
Daniel banged on the door again, and Jack realized that was what had woke him.
He opened the door to see SG-1 standing there, looking at him expectantly. "Sorry. I was asleep." He apologized.
"We guessed." Daniel smiled. "Are you going to invite us in?"
Jack nodded and stepped back to allow them entrance. "Sorry about the mess guys, I haven't had a chance to clean up." He told them.
Daniel glanced to the breakfast bar, which had dirty dishes stacked on it. *Two* of every dish to be exact. Two wineglasses, with a few drops of wine left in them, two sets of knives and forks.
Either Jack had had visitors, or he was delusional.
"You wanted to see us?" Daniel asked, sitting on the couch.
"I'm coming back to SG-1."
"I am most pleased to hear this news O'Neill." Teal'c announced, bowing his head slightly.
"What made you change your mind Colonel?" Jonas asked, looking at him inquisitively.
"That's what I want to talk to you about."
Jack sat back in Sam's favorite recliner and told them about Hammond's decision-off the record, as it were- to let him go to the address that Sam had left him, providing that he was back in time to return to Earth with the rest of SG-1.
"And are we coming with you to this place?" Daniel asked.
Jack shook his head. "No. Just continue with the mission and I'll be back before you have to go home."
"I believe that it would be wise if we accompany you, should there be any danger on this world." Teal'c told him.
"I appreciate the offer Teal'c, but it's better if I go alone."
"Why?" It was *almost* nice to see that Jonas was still asking so many damn questions.
"Because it would be better if you weren't involved, in case the wrong people find out."
"We loved her as much as you did Jack, albeit not in the same way, but you can't forget that."
"I know you did Daniel, but you don't really believe me when I tell you that I've been living with Sam for the last eight months, do you?"
"Well, not exactly….."
"It's okay Daniel, I'm not mad. But at least this way, you guys aren't involved. And if she isn't there, then I told Hammond that I'd accept the fact that she's gone."
"What can we do to be of assistance?"
"Well, as long as everyone thinks that I was on the mission with you, then we all stay out of trouble."
"Colonel, why are you trying so hard to find her? I thought that she died of heart problems."
"Because I know that she's alive. I can feel it."
"How?"
Damn Jonas and all of his questions. "Because I haven't felt my heart break yet."
~*+*~
If you're so tough
Come on and prove it
Your heart is down for the count
And you know you're gonna loose it
Jesse James, Cher
~*+*~
Jack stared at the DHD, suddenly nervous as to what he might find on the other side of the wormhole that had just engaged.
"You sure you don't want us to go with you?" Daniel asked.
"I'm sure." He replied, stepping up the few steps to the wormhole. "Be careful Daniel, all of you. Don't touch anything!"
"We wont." Daniel and Jonas-the accident-prone members of his team- chorused.
"I wish you well on your journey O'Neill."
"Thanks Teal'c, I'll see you in two days time." He nodded and stepped through the wormhole.
Emerging on the other side, Jack immediately dropped to his knees, aimed his Zat and surveyed the room that he had stepped into.
The room was white all over, and he could see three doors leading off it. Trying to think, Jack settled for the first door and headed down a long corridor.
There were several rooms leading off the corridor, and whoever built this place obviously didn't know what a door was…..or they were too arrogant to think they'd need one.
Jack was reminded slightly of the Tok'ra and he couldn't help but smile.
Checking each room, he saw a lot of medical equipment, with a few scary looking objects-maybe there *was* such a thing as an anal probe?-, but nothing that he could figure out. There was no one around, it was like whoever owned this place had just…..vanished.
Assuming, of course, that people inhabited this place to begin with.
Jack closed his eyes for the briefest of seconds, and when he opened them, he was strapped to a bed in an upright position, and there were several human like…..people staring at him.
They were dressed in long white robes, almost blending into the white walls. They all looked somehow the same and yet different.
"I told you that he would come."
"She was wise to choose him."
"He is brave."
"He knows much pain."
"He loves a woman that he cannot have."
All of their voices assaulted him at once, and Jack struggled to work out which voice came from which alien. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't figure it out.
Then he realised that while their voices continued to speak, none of the five aliens had moved their…..lips.
"Who are you people?" He asked.
"We are who we are."
Jack really hated cryptic people. "Do you know why I'm here?"
"A man takes many journey's, few understand his choices."
Okay, Jack hated people who spoke in riddles even more. "My name is Jack O'Neill, and I'm looking for someone."
"A man searches for many people throughout his life, you're search is only just beginning."
"No, you don't understand….."
"We do."
"Do you know of the woman I'm looking for? Her name is Samantha Carter. And she's blonde….."
"Your words mean nothing to us, Jack O'Neill."
"But…..can you hear my thoughts? See what I see in my mind?"
"We can." One of the aliens nodded, though he wasn't sure that it was that alien that had…..spoken.
Jack concentrated and thought of Sam, bringing her image to mind.
"This is who you seek?"
"Yes."
"We are confident that you shall find her again."
"Where is she?"
There was no reply, and Jack closed his eyes and sighed.
When he opened them again, he was back on the planet that SG-1 was on, and they were all looking at him strangely.
"Having second thoughts about going?" Daniel asked.
"I've already been." Jack replied, confused.
"Jack, you only just dialed the `Gate…..are you okay?"
He looked around, and then checked his watch.
Yes, Daniel was right, he should have only just dialed the Stargate, but he remembered going through, down the first corridor and then talking to the cryptic, riddle-obsessed aliens. "Fine." He nodded.
"You sure you don't want us to go with you?" Daniel asked.
De Ja vu, Jack thought, but stayed silent. "I'm sure." He replied, stepping up the few steps to the wormhole. "Be careful Daniel, all of you. Don't touch anything!"
"We wont." Daniel and Jonas chorused.
"I wish you well on your journey O'Neill."
"Thanks Teal'c, I'll see you in two days time." He nodded and stepped through the wormhole.
Emerging on the other side, Jack immediately dropped to his knees and aimed his Zat and surveyed the room that he had stepped into.
The room was white all over, and he could see three doors leading off it. Trying to think, Jack remembered choosing the first corridor last time, so he settled for the second door and headed down a long corridor.
Hoping that he hadn't imagined everything that he thought had just transpired, Jack was almost relieved when he spotted one of the aliens working in one of the rooms.
Steeping carefully, Jack walked passed the doorway and kept walking, looking in each room as he passed. Some of the rooms were empty, but most of them had one or two of the aliens in them, working with the nasty looking devices that Jack had seen before.
He managed to get to the end of the corridor when he was spotted.
"He is searching for someone."
"I told you that he would come."
"She was wise to choose him."
"He is brave."
"He knows much pain."
"He loves a woman that he cannot have."
Jack groaned. They were the same voices and same words that he'd heard before.
"Okay, I'm looking for my friend, have you seen her?" He asked, bringing up the mental picture of Sam again.
"Do you think he will find her?" One of the voices asked.
"The question is, does she wish to be found?" Another countered.
"Yes! Yes she does want to be found and that's why I'm here!" Jack cried, frustrated.
"How do you know this?"
"Because she told me! Now, do you know where she is or not?"
"We know many things."
"Oh for crying out loud!"
"We are unfamiliar with that statement."
"Of course you are…..do you know where she is or not?" He repeated, exasperated.
"We do."
Finally! Jack almost smiled in triumph, now he was getting somewhere. "So, where is she?"
"We know many things."
Jack closed his eyes and sighed, and realized his mistake instantaneously. Opening one eye, he saw that he was back in front of Daniel and the rest of SG-1 yet again.
This is getting old very fast, Jack thought to himself. The third corridor, it had to be the third one. He'd tried the other two, so it had to be the third.
Logically, it was a process of elimination.
He could do that.
"You sure you don't want us to go with you?" Daniel asked.
"I'm sure." He replied, checking his watch again before stepping up the few steps to the wormhole. "Be careful Daniel, all of you. Don't touch anything!"
"We wont." Daniel and Jonas chorused.
"I wish you well on your journey O'Neill."
"Thanks Teal'c, I'll see you in two days time." He nodded and stepped through the wormhole.
Not even bothering to check the immediate area this time, Jack walked down the third corridor and noticed that there were several observation window's but no obvious access to the rooms behind them. Jack could see what looked like children being nursed by the aliens through the window.
There were various races, and Jack was sure that one of them was a Nox, and if he didn't know how the Asguard *really* reproduced, then he would have thought one of them was Thor's kid.
The voice came again, just as he had expected.
"He is searching for someone."
"Most would have stopped looking."
"I told you that he would come."
"She was wise to choose him."
"He is brave."
"He knows much pain."
"He loves a woman that he cannot have."
"Okay, we've done this dance before. You know who I'm looking for, and you know where she is, now do you think you could be so kind as to point me in the right direction?"
"There are many directions in the journey of a man's life….."
"Look, cut the crap!" Jack snapped. "Just tell me where she is so I can get her and get the hell out of this place."
"You search is nearly over Jack O'Neill."
"Let me guess, patients is a virtue?" Where was Daniel when he needed him? Now that boy could talk in riddles.
"You are correct."
"How long will my search continue for?" Jack asked, beginning to understand their way of talking.
"Time is of no value to us."
"Right…..do you think that my search will end soon?" Jack winced at his own flaky tone.
"You journey is almost at it's end."
"So if I close my eyes, what will happen?"
"You will have lost sight."
Okay. Good point there. "Who are you?"
"We are many things Jack O'Neill." They replied and Jack felt his eyes close against his will.
"You sure you don't want us to go with you?" Daniel asked.
Jack opened his eyes to find he was back where he had started, just as he'd anticipated. "I'm sure." He replied, checking his watch again before stepping up the few steps to the wormhole. "Be careful Daniel, all of you. Don't touch anything!"
"We wont." Daniel and Jonas chorused.
"I wish you well on your journey O'Neill."
"Thanks Teal'c, I'll see you in two days time." He nodded and stepped through the wormhole.
Jack looked around the room again. He had tried all three corridors and thus far seen no sign of Sam.
There had to be another answer.
Something he was missing.
Scanning the walls with his eyes, Jack found himself wishing that he'd taken Daniel up on his offer to come with. At least maybe then he would have had a hope in seeing something more than the obvious three doors.
"He is searching for someone."
"Most would have stopped looking."
"His search is almost over."
"I told you that he would come."
"She was wise to choose him."
"He is brave."
"And wise."
"He knows much pain."
"He loves a woman that he cannot have."
The voices were there, but he couldn't see anyone. Jack turned around in a circle, and saw a faint black line behind the Stargate.
Bingo!
He walked over to the outline of a door that wasn't there and outstretched his hand cautiously. Where it should have met a solid wall, he felt his hand pass through.
Taking a deep breath-Jack was tempted to close his eyes, but that hadn't done him much good today-he took a few steps forward and passed through the wall and was immediately on the other side.
There were no corridors-which he was thankful for, considering the fact that he hadn't had much luck with them either-but there were several curtains dividing the room up into small sections.
At least, Jack assumed that they were curtains.
He wasn't real big on fabric at the best of times.
Walking as close to the outside of the rooms as he could, Jack saw what was behind the `curtains'.
Women.
Hundreds of them.
They were all either heavily pregnant, or they had tubes coming out of their stomach's. Jack felt a sympathy phantom pain in his own stomach.
Those tubes looked damn painful.
All of the women were dressed in long white skirts, and white tops that covered their breasts, neck and arms, while still leaving their stomachs bare.
Walking past several different women-and some that were alien, so he was just *assuming* that they were women-he saw a flash of blonde hair on the other side of the room.
Ignoring the fact that every alien in this place could probably see- or hear- him, Jack sprinted to the other side of the room and saw her.
His Sam.
She had a tube coming out of her stomach like the other women, she had a few electrode type devices on her forehead and she was pale, but as he placed his finger on her neck and he felt a flutter beneath his fingertips he realized with joy that she was alive.
"Sam, wake up." He whispered urgently.
Nothing.
"Sam?" He tried again, a little louder.
Nothing.
"Carter!" He yelled and her eyes bolted open.
She looked at him with a blank stare.
"Carter?"
Nothing.
"Do you know who I am?"
She blinked.
Once.
Well, that was something.
He had no idea what kind of damage it would do to her, but he pulled off the electrodes and went to remove the tube from her stomach but a voice stopped him.
"Removing that would be unwise."
"How do I get her out of here then?"
"She cannot leave this place."
"Why the hell not?" He demanded, angry. Thus far he thought that he'd been pretty nice to these…..people, considering the fact that he wasn't really sure which side they were on.
"There are many reasons."
Jack clenched his teeth in frustration. "Well, give me one good one or I'm pulling this tube out now."
"She will die."
Jack took a deep breath. "Okay, that's a good one."
"There are options."
"Like?"
"In exchange for your friend, you could offer us a gift."
"Take me."
"Unacceptable."
Jack saw that one coming. "Then what can I offer you?"
"Her Lor'Tal."
He shook his head, confused. "I don't know what that is."
The aliens seemed to silently confer with each other for a moment before one of them came forward and pointed to Sam's stomach. "Lor'Tal." He-or, probably more accurately, it- repeated.
Even Jack didn't miss the implications of that one.
"Her baby? Sam's having a baby, like all of the other women here?"
"We are unfamiliar with that term."
"Ah….." Damn. He *really* wished Daniel was here. "A new life, one that's created and grows inside of her."
"That is a correct definition."
"And you want me to give you Sam's?"
"Correct."
"No."
"Then she shall die." Suddenly, he was beginning to think that these aliens were on the dark side.
Jack ignored them and pulled the first aid kit out of his pack. Holding a few gauze's on her stomach he grasped the tube firmly, her eyes watching him, unseen.
"I'm sorry about this Sam." He whispered and pulled the tube out, holding the gauze to stop any bleeding which could occur-which surprisingly, didn't-.
"You are being unwise."
Jack ignored the alien and looked at the woman on the bed. "Don't you dare die on me Samantha Carter." He told her firmly.
Then he picked her up and ran.
~*+*~
I might have been in love before,
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know,
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now,
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you.
Nothing's gonna change my love for you, (The Artists name eludes me at present.)
~*+*~
"Don't die, don't die." He repeated it like a mantra to her, hoping that he'd reach her, despite the trance like state she was in.
He didn't want to, but Jack had to put her down on the ground to dial the coordinates to P4N 629.
As he was punching in the symbols, Jack though it a little odd that while the aliens had verbally protested to losing one of their prisoners, they hadn't physically tried to stop him.
Not that he was complaining.
The Stargate engaged, and the event horizon shot out and missed Sam by a few inches before folding back in on itself.
He picked her up and noticed for the first time how light she felt. Determined to keep his eyes open-he didn't want to go back in time again- Jack watched the dancing ripples of the active wormhole, and stepped through.
His teammates were hiding, but he could barely see the outline of Teal'c's staff weapon. "It's me." He called, and they all came towards him.
"Jack?" Daniel asked, watching with wide eyes as his friend laid Sam down on the ground.
"It's her." He replied to the unspoken question.
Daniel was only slightly surprised that there hadn't been any `I told you So's' but he figured that they'd come later.
Pulling the gauze away from her stomach, Jack noticed that the wound that should have been present from the tube wasn't there.
"But I thought…..?" Daniel did a good impression of a gold fish, Jack decided.
"Everybody thought so Daniel." Jack replied.
"You didn't."
"No." Jack agreed. "I didn't think she was dead."
~*+*~
Now I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live and learn from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are held by fate.
Pat Benatar, All fired up
~*+*~
The `Gate room had fallen silent when SG-1 had returned three days early from their mission.
When the Stargate had engaged, and their iris code had been received, everyone had held their breath, expecting a battered and bruised team to be returning. All of the occupants of the room had been shocked into silence when they'd seen Jonas Quinn, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c all return safely.
SG teams didn't return early unless something was wrong.
The three members of SG-1 had walked to the end of the ramp and ignored the General, turning to face the Stargate.
Then Jack O'Neill had stepped through with Samantha Carter in his arms.
At first, several members of the SGC had naturally assumed that they were hallucinating. They'd all been there, all seen her being lowered slowly into the ground next to the Colonel's deceased son. They'd all heard the eulogy that O'Neill had given, and they'd all grieved for her.
Yet there she was.
"Sir? Permission to take Major Carter to the infirmary before we de- brief?" Jack asked, ignoring the stunned expressions that met him.
Hammond nodded, hiding his smile. "Granted Colonel."
Jack nodded and smiled his thanks, before leaving the Gate room and heading towards the infirmary. Whenever he, or the rest of his team that were mere paces behind him, passed any of the personal in the mountain, they were met with opened mouths.
Janet had been shocked most of all.
Nine months ago, her best friend had died, and now, she was being carried into her infirmary.
"What the hell?"
"I don't know what's wrong with her, but she's non-responsive." Jack told her, laying the woman in his arms onto the closest gurney.
"But she's….."
"Apparently not." Daniel replied.
"How…..?"
"I don't know." Jack shrugged. "But can we talk about it after you tell us that she's fine?"
Janet nodded, not really trusting her voice, and began to examine her not-so-dead best friend.
Standing back from the Doctor while she worked, Jack told his friend about how he found Sam and the condition she'd been in when he'd reached her, including the electrodes on her forehead and the tube in her stomach.
He waited until the assisting nurse had left before he mentioned the Lor'Tal.
"I'll do a blood test to confirm or deny." Janet nodded as General Hammond entered the infirmary, ready to de-brief.
"Call me when you know something?" Jack asked, reluctant to leave.
"You know I will." Janet replied.
Jack nodded and followed the rest of his team to the briefing room.
Sitting down, he couldn't help but match the grin that was plastered on Hammond's features. "Well done Colonel."
He nodded. "Thank you sir."
"Can you tell me about how you found her?"
Jack relayed the story and watched with curiosity as his team shook their heads in confusion as he told them that he'd been sent back through the Stargate and –apparently- back through time to them.
"Jack, you left and then came back with Sam an hour later. We said goodbye and then didn't see you again until you had her."
"I guessed that Daniel, but I know what happened."
Daniel nodded and Jack finished his tale.
"Do you have any idea what's wrong with her?" Hammond asked.
"No sir. Sam was like that when I found her. The best sign of life that I've seen from her was blinking."
No one in the room missed the fact that he had called her Sam.
"Why don't you go and get cleaned up and then head back to the infirmary? I'll contact Jacob and let him know about this development."
SG-1 nodded and left the room.
~*+*~
He'd given up over eight years ago.
The last time that Jack O'Neill had had a cigarette anywhere near the vicinity of his mouth had been when he was on Abydos for the first time. He'd given Skarra his best lighter, which was reason enough to give the habit up.
Sitting on the top of the mountain, he took a long drag of the smoke and inhaled deeply, pleased to feel the familiar burn down the back of his throat.
"I hope you aren't going to take that up again." Janet commented as she dropped down onto the grass next to him.
"No, just a little something to calm the nerves." He replied.
"Well, in that case….." She reached over and took the cigarette from his hands and took a long drag herself before handing it back to him.
"Didn't know you smoked." He commented.
She shrugged. "Don't. But I think we could all use something right about now, and drinking while on duty is frowned upon, this is the next best thing."
They shared the last of the cigarette between them and Jack stubbed it out with his boot before either spoke again.
"How is she?"
Janet looked at her friend and mentally decided that he could use about three days of sleep. "I can honestly say that I don't know."
"Catatonic?"
"I don't know. Her pupils respond to light, even if she doesn't. She blinks at a normal rate, but she wont react to anything we try." Janet's shoulders visibly sunk.
"What about Cassie?"
"What?"
Jack scratched his neck. "After Jolinar, she was like this, and Cassie got her out of it, maybe it would work again."
Janet frowned. "I don't think so Jack."
Now he knew it was bad, Janet never *ever* called him Jack. Not even off-duty. She was worse than Carter with the `sir' thing.
"What do we do?"
"Talk to her."
"That's it?"
"I'm afraid so. I don't think the aliens did any damage to her, but I won't know for sure until we get the blood work back. Until then…..all we can do is talk to her, try and bring her out of this…..state."
Jack didn't know how much he, or any of them, could take.
~*+*~
In my life,
There's been heartache and pain
And I don't know,
If I can face it again
Foreigner, I want to know what love is
~*+*~
Tentatively, Jack sat down in the seat by the head of her bed. He had never been very good at this kind of stuff, and he wasn't getting any better, despite the fact that she'd been there for six days.
Janet had gotten the results of Sam's blood work five days earlier, and it had confirmed that Sam was pregnant, but other than that everything was normal.
Which frustrated the hell out of all of them.
Jacob Carter had come and sat by her side for hours, having a one- sided conversation with her before he had to return to the Tok'ra. None of them could get her out of the state which Jack had found her in.
"Hey Carter," He smiled.
He felt kind of stupid calling her Carter after eight months of intimacy with her, but he was beginning to have his doubts as to whether or not she'd remember any of that.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Fine." She replied.
Jack almost fell off his chair.
She talked!
Or was he dreaming?
"Carter?" He asked.
"Yes?" Came the reply.
Okay, so not dreaming.
"I think I should get Janet." He said, more to himself than to her.
"No…..stay and talk to me for a while."
"Carter……you're, like, talking and stuff." She was talking, even though she hadn't moved and her eyes remained unseeing, this was a step in the right direction.
"I know."
"Where you been?"
"In my head." She replied, assuming that it explained everything.
"Why?"
"I didn't know if everything that happened over the last week was real or not." She shrugged a little, but it was enough.
"So you've been hidin' out?"
"Yes."
"What made you decide that this was real?"
"Nothing, but I figured that I might as well enjoy the hallucination while it lasted."
"You're not hallucinating." He assured her, unable to keep from smiling.
"Hallucinations always say that." She accused.
"Can't argue with that."
He got up and called for Janet, waiting for the doctor to come. "What's wrong Colonel?"
"Nothing, look who's awake." He grinned.
Her eyes flew open in shock. "Sam!"
"Yes?"
"Are you in any pain?" Her relief was pushed aside as she reverted into what Jack had affectionately named `Doctor mode.'
"No."
"I'm going to let the General know that you're awake."
"Okay."
"Want to tell me what happened?" Jack asked, taking up his previous position in the chair.
"I'm not sure really…..one minute I was getting ready to leave for work, then next I was sitting in my car talking to you. Telling you to handle her properly."
"I thought all of that was in my head." He admitted, not missing the fact that she had called the Volvo a `her.'
"It wasn't."
"So what have you been doing for the last eight months?" He asked, worried about how much she remembered and how much was real.
"The same thing you have."
"So I wasn't going nuts."
"No."
"You were really there?"
"Yes."
"And we really……?" He gestured blindly in the direction of her stomach.
"Yes."
"Oh."
"The aliens, they're called the Horitar, and they are studying the different types of races throughout the galaxy. They want to create a race with the best qualities of each culture they encounter."
"How do they do that?" He asked, noticing SG-1 and Hammond standing behind the bed, listening to her explanation.
"They go to all different types of planets and find a female from each race, and take her. But they replicate the women and they kill that body, usually with all the evidence of whatever illness is common on that planet. As you know, they used heart disease for me. Then they take the woman back to their home planet, where you found me."
"How do they get the best quality of each race?"
Sam licked her lips. "The Horitar send the women back to their planet, but only one inhabitant can see them. When I got there, I was told to pick someone from Earth that would be able to see me. They wanted a male. I didn't know what for, so I picked you and they sent me back. Then I was in my car and we were driving towards the cliff top."
"I knew I wasn't nuts." He grinned and she smiled.
"I still don't know why they let me come back if they were just going to experiment on me, but we were told that if we said anything to our chosen person about where we were and what was really happening to us that they would kill us."
"That's why you didn't answer when I asked you what had happened to you." Jack concluded.
"Yes. You guys can come in, you know." Sam called.
The rest of SG-1 and Hammond came to stand behind Jack. Waiting for her to finish telling her story.
"How are you feeling Sam?" Daniel asked.
"I'm okay."
"I am pleased to see you well Major Carter."
"Thank you Teal'c."
"Good to see you Sam."
"You too Jonas." She smiled.
"I'm glad you're okay too Major, would you mind continuing?"
"Certainly sir. So, they let me stay with you. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how long we'd have, but there never seemed to be any sign of them, so I thought maybe they'd let me haunt you forever."
Jack looked at the other occupants of the room. "I told you guys that I wasn't delusional."
"Shut up Jack." Sam smiled. "About a week before I left, I felt something change."
"What changed?" Janet asked.
Sam chewed her bottom lip and glanced at Jack. "Um….."
"It's okay." Jack nodded, having already figured it out. He reached over and grasped her hand in silent support.
"I realized that I was pregnant. And I thought that they would take me back to terminate the pregnancy, but after a week they didn't. So I took a guess and thought that maybe getting me pregnant was what they had wanted all along. Then I got a visit from the leader of the group and he told me that my time was up. I wrote Jack that note and then they came for me."
"That was when you disappeared from the cliff top."
"Yes." She nodded, feeling the strength of her limbs slowly coming back she squeezed Jack's hand. "I just closed my eyes and then when I opened them I was back on their planet, and I had a tube coming out of my stomach. It was to monitor the progress of the baby, make sure that it developed properly."
"Like an ultrasound?" Janet asked.
Sam nodded. "Yes. But a permanent one."
"Did it hurt?" Jack asked.
She shrugged. "Not really, I didn't feel anything the whole time I was gone, except for when we….." She trailed off, and everyone understood what she meant.
Jack leaned over to her. "My ego just skyrocketed, you know that, right?"
Sam smiled at him and continued with her story. "Apparently, once the women give birth, the Horitar make sure that the child has the quality that they were looking for, and then they get rid of the mother."
"What do they do with all of those women once they've given birth and they know that the child has the property that they're looking for?" Jonas asked.
"They put them back in their own body." Sam shuddered. "And they kill them, so no one except for that woman's chosen one, knows that they weren't dead."
Hammond looked down at his second in command. "Good thing you got her out of there Colonel."
"Yes sir." Both Sam and Jack agreed in unison.
~*+*~
Baby I must have said a little prayer
Suddenly I looked up and you were there
And the rest is history
Celine Dion, Rain, tax
~*+*~
"You want me to do *what*?" Had been her first reaction.
Janet fixed her friend with the best I'm-the-doctor-and-I-know-what's- best stare, but it didn't seem to take effect.
"Sam…..I really think it would be best if you talk about this."
Sam shook her head defiantly. "Talk, yes. Mackenzie, no."
"You have to talk to *someone!*"
"Why don't you volunteer then?" Sam asked, folding her arms across her chest.
"Because….some of the things that you need to talk about are a breach of the regulations and I don't want to have to be a witness against you if the Air Force court marshals you and the Colonel for…..doing what you two did." Janet explained diplomatically.
"Janet I was *dead*" At least she didn't seem to have a problem saying it anymore, Janet thought gratefully. "They can't put us on trial for something we did while I was legally *dead*"
"Let's hope not." Janet sighed. "Look, Sam, I really think that this would be for the best."
She blew out a long breath, Sam hated it when she was wrong. "Fine. If it'll make everyone happy then I'll go and see Mackenzie."
Janet smiled triumphantly. "Good. Since you like the idea so much," And if *that* wouldn't earn her a glare, then the good doctor didn't know what would. "Why don't I get you a wheelchair and we can go now?"
"We can go, but I don't need a wheelchair."
"Yes, I say you do."
Sam protested the whole way but it fell on deaf ears. Janet continued to wheel her down the corridor, ignoring all of the curses coming from her friend's mouth about being treated like an `invalid.'
"I can walk you know." Sam snapped, as they neared Mackenzie's office.
"Not for the next two weeks you can't." Janet replied sweetly.
"Let's just get this over and done with, shall we?"
~*+*~
Sam fiddled nervously with her hands.
Janet knew that she didn't want to be here. Yet her soon-to-be ex- best friend still abandoned her in the doctors office.
It wasn't like she could wheel herself anywhere one-handed. She may be talented, but she wasn't *that* talented. To add insult to injury, every time she moved her right-and dominant-hand, the stupid drip beeped a high wining noise at her.
This just wasn't fair.
"Major?" Doctor Mackenzie asked, looking at her intently.
"Yes?"
"Do you know why you've been sent to see me?"
He had his pen poised over the notepad on his desk, ready to write down, probably verbatim, whatever she had to say about her `experience.' His pen wasn't moving yet, he was probably waiting for her to say something profound.
That just made her more nervous.
"Doctor Fraiser thought that it would be a good idea."
"You didn't want to come?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I just didn't."
"That's not an explanation."
"It is to me."
"Major…..if you don't want to be here, then you don't have to be. My sessions weren't forced upon you, they were simply recommended."
"*Strongly* recommended."
He frowned, and little wrinkles appeared around his mouth. "Fine, strongly recommended then. But you can still walk out of here anytime you want."
"I'm in a wheelchair."
Mackenzie sighed. "Does that bother you?"
"Should it?"
"You had the ability to walk taken away from you, doesn't that effect you at all?"
"Of course it does. But I can walk, it's just that this thing," She flicked the drip in her arm. "Would make it a bit hard at the moment."
"Would you like me to have Doctor Fraiser come and collect you?"
"You'd let me leave?"
"If that's what you want."
"But then you wouldn't declare me mentally fit for working in the SGC again, would you?"
"No."
Sam nodded, she should have seen that one coming.
"Then let's talk."
"Where would you like to start Major?"
Sam folded her arms as best as she could without moving the drip. "You're the doctor, you tell me."
"Okay. Let's start with something easy. How do you feel at the moment?" He asked, jotting down the question.
"Hungry?"
Looking up from his notepad, Mackenzie quirked an eyebrow at her. "Do you want something to eat?"
"Pickles in tomato sauce and a side order of sushi would go down well at the moment."
"Are you kidding?"
"Do I look like I'm kidding?"
Mackenzie put his pen down for a moment. "Is this something that you eat regularly or as a result of the pregnancy?"
Somehow Sam had known that her pregnancy would come into this conversation sooner or later. "Subtle."
"It was just a question."
"Considering that I don't eat fish at the best of times, let alone raw, I'd say that it was more than likely a craving."
"How do you feel about that?"
Sam had to wonder if every doctor in the world was obsessed with feelings and talking about them or if it was just him?
"How do I feel about the fact that I suddenly want to eat raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice? Revolted."
He gave her what could only be described as a `look.' "I was referring to your pregnancy."
"I know."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Being pregnant? There isn't a lot that I can do about it, really."
"You could terminate it."
Sam's mouth hung slack at the thought. "You mean have an abortion?"
Mackenzie shrugged. "It's just an option."
"No it isn't. It's a horrible thing to do. This baby didn't ask to be conceived, and I won't kill it because I don't like the circumstances of the conception!" She shouted.
The doctor tried desperately to hide a smile.
"You baited me." She accused, pointing a finger at him. "That was a set up, wasn't it?"
"Not a set up as such, it was simply a way of getting you to face some of the emotions that you seem so bent on ignoring."
She had to admit, he was very good at it.
"And I fell for it." Sam mumbled, looking down at her stomach. "Happy." She told him.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean."
"I'm happy about the pregnancy."
"Why?"
"Why?" She repeated, incredulous.
"I want to know why you are happy about the pregnancy."
"Because at least knowing that I'm pregnant means knowing that I'm alive, and that my heart is still beating. Knowing what happened to me doesn't hurt so much when I look at my stomach."
~*+*~
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So I hold my breath…..to forget
Shania Twain, It only hurts. (When I'm breathing)
~*+*~
Jonas opened the door to Colonel O'Neill's office, only to find the man asleep at his desk with his feet perched up on a pile of paperwork.
He quietly stepped out of the office and closed the door, then proceeded to knock loudly until he heard a rather gruff `Come in' being called.
"Colonel?" He asked as he peered round the door.
"Come in Jonas, what can I do for you?"
"Sam wanted to see you, she asked if I'd let you know."
"Everything alright?"
Jonas shrugged a little. "I think so…..she didn't really say. Just that she wanted to see you."
"Thank you Jonas." Jack replied, standing up and heading to the infirmary.
He'd been expecting Sam to ask for him for a while now. Two days ago, when she had told them all about the Horitar, had been the last time that he'd seen her. Jack didn't think that he was avoiding her per se, more like trying to give her some time to process everything that had happened.
Which was probably exactly what she needed, given the fact that he had a headache from thinking too much.
The infirmary was unusually quiet, not that he was complaining. Walking past the few other patients, Jack found himself staring at the curtain that separated himself and Sam.
De Je Vu, he thought wryly to himself.
"Jack?"
"Hey." He smiled, coming to sit by her bed.
She looked well, he realized.
The sheets no longer had more colour in them than she did, and she was sitting up in the bed, which had to be a good thing. There was still a drip in her arm, and a heart monitor attached to her, but other than that you wouldn't know by looking at her what had gone on in the previous months.
"How are you?"
"I should be asking you that."
"I'm…..fine." She smiled, but it was obviously forced.
Jack raised an eyebrow at her. "Really?"
"I had my first session with Mackenzie today. `Nother one tomorrow."
"How'd it go?"
"He and I talked about the baby, played a few word games, I yelled, he looked smug, pretty much what I'd expected from a session with him."
Jack couldn't help but chuckle quietly at that one. "Sounds about right."
"About the baby…..Jack, do you want it?"
There.
She'd said it.
Much as it annoyed her, Mackenzie had guessed that she was worried about Jack's reaction to the baby. He'd encouraged her to talk to him, and then Jack, about it and get everything off her chest.
She'd laughed in his face.
"Does it matter what I want?"
"Yes, of course it does!"
"It's your child….."
Sam fixed him a steady glare. "*Our* child Jack, don't forget that you played a part in her conception as well."
"But it's your body." He protested.
"Get out."
"What?"
"Get out…..you aren't the same man that I spent the last eight months with. Maybe it was all a hallucination, because nobody has such a drastic personality change like you have that quickly. Get out."
Jack left before she resorted to throwing things at him.
~*+*~
I will never forget those nights
I wonder if it was a dream.
Remember how I made you crazy?
Remember how you made me scream?
Now I don't understand, what happened to our love?
DJ Sammy, Boys of summer.
~*+*~
Teal'c studied the man next to him carefully.
To the Jaffa, Daniel Jackson looked completely in control of his faculties, and yet, here he was, making what could only be described as a tactical mistake. One that could become fatal, considering who they were dealing with.
"I do not believe that this is a wise course of action Daniel Jackson."
"We have to do something!" Daniel exclaimed, exasperated. He knocked lightly on Jack's door and entered without waiting for an answer.
"Yes Daniel, please feel free to come in without invitation." Jack snapped.
As always, Daniel remained oblivious to the sarcasm. "Thanks, I will."
"What do you want?"
"To talk."
"Talk." Jack repeated with a surreptitious roll of his eyes. "About?"
"You." Daniel replied without missing a beat. "And Sam."
"So…..start talking."
"Jack, why don't you go and see her?"
The colonel sighed deeply and flopped back into his chair. "Because she doesn't want to see me and I have a lot of paperwork to do. So if you don't mind getting to the point…..?"
"Jack, she does want to see you."
"That's not quite the way she worded it when I last saw her, Daniel. She threw me out remember? I may be dense, but I can take the hint occasionally."
"Do you know what today is?" Daniel asked suddenly.
Jack blinked. Way to change the topic Space Monkey! "Ah…..July twenty first, I think, why?"
"I thought Janet told him?" Daniel asked, shooting a confused glance at Teal'c, who had remained silent in the corner.
"It appears that it is not the case."
"What is not the case?" Jack asked, looking confused, back and forth between the two men.
Hell, if they'd brought Jonas along than this could have been an convention!
"Major Carter was scheduled to have an ultrasound today. She had hoped that you would be present to witness the event." Teal'c informed him.
"No one told me." He replied, his face unreadable. "She didn't tell me."
"You haven't exactly been around her a lot in the last month, when would she have been able to tell you?"
Jack gave Daniel pointed look. "Is there something wrong with the phones in the infirmary now?"
"Jack….." Daniel warned.
"Forget it Daniel, just forget it."
Daniel sighed, defeated, and left the room.
"I believe that Major Carter would have wished for you to have this, O'Neill." Teal'c told his friend, leaving a copy of Sam's ultrasound video on his desk before following Daniel out of the room.
Jack sighed deeply.
Quite frankly, he was bored. SG-1 had been put on stand-down for an unspecified period of time, so that they could all be close to Sam while she recovered. Then again, Hammond had assumed that she'd want the other four members of SG-1 around her during the pregnancy.
Well, maybe she did want them, but that didn't include him. She had made that perfectly clear the previous month, and apart from brief glances of her on the rare occasion when he voluntarily went to the infirmary, he hadn't seen her since.
He had to do something, but what?
Jack was adamant that he couldn't just let her go. Not only was she now the mother of his unborn child, but she was also the woman that he was in love with.
~*+*~
And there ain't no way
I'm letting you go now
And there ain't no way
And there ain't no how
I'll never see that day.
Shania Twain, Forever and for always.
~*+*~
It was after three in the morning that he finally decided on what to do.
The video that Teal'c had given him had contained a copy of the ultrasound, and Jack had watched the recording of their child in awe. Of course, being little more than three months old, the fetus looked like a bad clone of Thor, but to his/her father's eyes, it was one of the most amazing things he'd ever seen.
Jack had watched the tape over and over until he decided to go and see Sam and get everything sorted out.
The infirmary was quiet, and the lights had been put on a lower setting to allow for the patients to sleep. Creeping past the other people, Jack headed down to the curtain that he knew belonged to Sam.
She was lying on her side, facing the wall with her body carefully hugging itself. At first Jack thought that she was sleeping, and was going to leave it until the morning-well, later in the morning at least- and then her saw the tiny shake of her shoulders.
His beautiful Sammie was crying, and he had very little doubt that it was his fault.
~*+*~
What in the world
Can make you so blue?
When everything I'll ever do,
I'll do for you.
Roxette, The Look
~*+*~
Careful so as not to scare her, Jack lifted the blankets and climbed onto her bed, sliding himself up behind her and spooned his body close to hers, his arms coming around to encircle her and rest on the slight bump of her stomach.
"Jack?"
"I'm sorry Sammie." He whispered, his face buried in the crook of her neck.
She sniffled before replying. "Me too."
"I love you so much Sammie."
"I love you too."
"I want this baby with you." He told her.
Sam wriggled out of his hold and turned to face him. Jack brought his arms back around to hug her.
"Babies." She told him, her voice muffled by his shirt.
"What?" He murmured, stroking her back gently.
Sam pulled back to look at him. "We're having twins Jack."
He grinned and bent his head to kiss her.
~*+*~
The End.
"We don't leave our people behind." –Jack.
Story Notes: Spoilers: Meridian, Abyss, Ascension…..nothing too major
Season/sequel: None, set after Daniel comes back, but that's not really mentioned.
Author's notes: Writing extremely strange fic's seems to be my forte. This one is no different, but I do hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As a side not, my deepest apologies go to Suz, who commandment states that thou must never use Celine Dion in a fic. I did.
Feedback: Hell yeah! Don't make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego please.
E-mail: venom@scififan.com but you'd probably have better luck with venom_the_shipper@yahoo.com.au
Dedication: As always, for LEW.
Date: Started in July 2001, completed on 7-7-2003
Copyright © to Venom, 2003
Season/sequel: None, set after Daniel comes back, but that's not really mentioned.
Author's notes: Writing extremely strange fic's seems to be my forte. This one is no different, but I do hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. As a side not, my deepest apologies go to Suz, who commandment states that thou must never use Celine Dion in a fic. I did.
Feedback: Hell yeah! Don't make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego please.
E-mail: venom@scififan.com but you'd probably have better luck with venom_the_shipper@yahoo.com.au
Dedication: As always, for LEW.
Date: Started in July 2001, completed on 7-7-2003
Copyright © to Venom, 2003
End Notes: www.geocities.com/venom_69_anderson2001/index.html
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]