Reality Check by Chezza

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Story Notes: Season: Seven

Spoilers: Grace

Warnings: Angst and an `F' for foul language alert

Author's Notes: Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I loved this ep. Completely. I think it's probably the best Season 7 ep so far, (Star Trek comparisons aside!) and makes D & C look about as shippy as Absolute Power. With all that in mind, I wanted to write something incredibly light and fluffy as an epilogue. Possibly involving cake. And I tried. I really did. Because I simply don't do angst.

Which makes the fact that this episode tag ended up being an utter angst-fest, all the more irritating /glares at muse/. However, this is what wanted to be written, so this is what you get. I'm not happy with it, but my muse wouldn't let me move on to anything else until it was written. So there you have it.

As always, thanks go to dragonlady for the beta. Flames will be used to light Teal'c's candles (not like that! Get your mind outta the gutter, f'cryin out loud!>). Constructive feedback and criticism on the other hand, is always gratefully received and appreciated.

One last thing, "around words" is speech, `around words' is thoughts.

Â© Chezza, 2004

The knock at the door caused Jack to look up from the form he was filling in. He placed his pen down, annoyed at the intrusion. He wanted to get this finished.

"Yeah," he called.

The door opened and his 2IC stepped through. The annoyance vanished instantly. He didn't try and stop the grin that spread across his face at the sight of her.

"Hey, Carter!"

"Hi, sir." She said quietly, closing the door behind her and turning back to face him.

He frowned for a second.

`Odd.'

The door usually remained open when they were in the room together. He sat back in his chair and folded his hands over his stomach, giving her his full attention.

"So…what brings you by, Major?"

She shrugged.

"I was wondering where you'd vanished off to, sir. One moment you were doing the rounds at the…shindig, the next moment you were gone."

Jack rolled his eyes.

"Hammond interrupted my cake eating."

He mock-pouted.

"Gave me a…aah, gentle reminder that I still had paperwork outstanding. Told me that since my team was back in one piece, maybe I ought to be doing something about it."

"Been avoiding it again have we, sir?"

Jack shrugged.

"No more than normal."

She gave a small smile and they lapsed into silence. Jack narrowed his eyes and studied her thoughtfully. She was now stood with her arms wrapped around her, chewing on her bottom lip. Her whole posture screamed anxiety, at least to someone who knew her as well as he did. There was definitely something on her mind. He sighed and decided to confront whatever it was, head on.

"Alright. Out with it, Carter."

Startled, she looked up.

"Sir?"

He waved a hand.

"It. Whatever the *it* is, that's bothering you."

`Whatever it is that really brought you here, to my office, and made you close the door.'

She fidgeted, scuffing her shoe against the military grey carpet. She looked down at the floor, then back up at him. He stared back. She flushed and her gaze slid away, traveling around the room, over the plain walls and back to the carpet again. Jack pinched the bridge of nose in frustration. He could feel his headache returning. Rapidly.

"Carter…"

"How do you know?" She blurted out, cutting him off.

`Huh?'

Okay, that one had him stumped.

"How do I know what?"

She took a deep breath, determined to carry this through now that she was here.

"How do you know how you feel?"

There, she'd said it. Nope, he frowned again. Definitely on a different wavelength here.

"How do I know…how I feel?" He slowly repeated her words.

`About what?'

She nodded and rushed on, before she lost her nerve. One hand waved in the air, trying to emphasize her point.

"How do you know that the feelings you have for someone are true feelings?"

Understanding hit and her words made Jack feel suddenly cold. They never talked about…feelings. Or feeling feelings. Or even having feelings. Actually, feelings were never mentioned at all. Ever. They didn't need to, or so he'd thought. They were just…there. He shifted, uneasy with the direction this conversation was taking.

"Um…"

"How do you know you're really feeling something? How do I know?"

He blinked. How could she not know? Wasn't it *obvious*, f'cryin' out loud?!

"Are you blind?"

The words were out before he could even think to stop them. She looked up in confusion.

"Sir?"

`Guess so…'

He shook his head.

"Never mind…go on."

She faltered for a second, then squared her shoulders. This was it. This was what she had come here to say. What she had to say. Her heart clenched painfully. It hurt.

"I don't know if…"

Her voice quavered.

"…what I feel for you anymore."

He winced. He couldn't help it. That hurt. Even though he'd seen it coming the moment she mentioned feeling feelings…the words still hurt.

`Shit, Carter! Just rip my heart out and grind it into the floor, why don'cha?'

"I…I don't if what I'm feeling is *real*. Do I really feel something for you, or is it just that I'm so used to you, I think I feel something?"

`Think you might have missed a piece…just there under your left foot…'

"Am I feeling something for you, because I know nothing can come of it? And knowing that nothing will happen, it then keeps me safe and prevents me from maybe being hurt, by having a relationship with someone else?"

`Oh yeah, there we go. You found it.'

Jack was numb, unable to think, unable to feel. She paused, then looked at him. She'd been expecting an outburst. Righteous anger. Something. Anything. His lack of reaction was un-nerving. She swallowed.

"Say something."

He shook his head, sucking in a breath.

"What do you want me to say, Carter?"

`Hell, what do you expect me to say?!'

She looked at the floor, ashamed to meet his eyes.

`Tell me you understand. That you know what I'm trying to say. That you understand why. That you're okay with it. *Please*.'

"I don't know." She whispered.

There was nothing for a long moment, then she heard him shift in his chair.

"So…what brought this on?"

"When I was stuck…on the Prometheus…it made me think…about things… about my life…about what I want in my life…"

A sudden burst of clarity and he understood. And now you don't know how you feel? Now you're scared that you're missing out? That there's more out there for you? He couldn't blame her really. Hell, he'd been doing some serious thinking of his own whilst she was missing…but he hadn't been expecting this. While he was going frantic with worry about losing her in his life, she was busy re-evaluating his place in hers. He snorted. The universe was probably pissing itself laughing at him right now. And here he was thinking she'd been happy to see him when she woke up. What a joke. He was probably the last person she'd wanted to see right then….

`Jeez…and I thought I was fucked up…'

He gave a sharp bark of laughter. There was no humour in it.

"Only you could *think* yourself out of having feelings for someone, Carter."

Her head shot back up, eyes flashing as they met his. How dare he?! She opened her mouth, a sharp retort ready on her tongue, but the look on his face made her falter. He looked away, refusing to see her.

She was hurting him, she could see it now. She closed her eyes against the tears suddenly forming. She hadn't wanted to, but she'd gone too far now to take it all back. Are you sure? Her conscience asked. Now that he's hurting, now that you can see your words have made him hurt, you know for sure don't you? Wasn't that your real reason behind this? To find out how he really felt?

She forced the thoughts away. No! This wasn't about him! It had *nothing* to do with him. This was about her. She needed to know. Needed to find out…how she felt…how she *really* felt. It wasn't fair to either of them if she didn't. Steeling herself, she continued. Attempting, wanting, to explain.

"Jack – "

"Don't!"

The word exploded between them like a gunshot. He stopped, struggling to halt the tirade that wanted to spill out, then tried again, calmer this time.

"Just…don't…"

His voice trailed off.

`…don't say my name.'

Not if you're ending it. Not like this. It's not supposed to be like this…

It doesn't have to be like this, his conscience nudged. You could tell her. His eyes fell to the papers covering his desk, as he thought it over. No, he decided, strengthening his resolve. He couldn't. This was her choice, her decision. It wasn't fair to influence it with his feelings. If she wanted more than he could offer, then who was he to deny her that chance?

`Someone who has no right to ask it…'

He looked up as she gave a harsh laugh, shaking her head in frustration. Why wouldn't he let her explain?! Perhaps because you've done such a wonderful job so far? Her little voice replied snidely. Besides, it added, how can you explain what you don't understand yourself?

"God, this is so messed up! It's just…I don't know what I want!"

`But it's not me, is it?'

The thought hurt, caused an ache deep inside that he knew wouldn't fade any time soon.

"I don't know." She repeated quietly, making him think for a moment that he'd spoken out loud.

Defeat washed over him in a bleak wave. Suddenly he just wanted her out of there. He gave a sigh.

`So much for hopes and dreams…'

"Guess you'd better go find out then, huh?"

She blinked in shock.

"Sir – "

"Go." He said, waving his hand towards the door.

`And I'll try not to hate you for not being sure.'

"Think. Contemplate. Mull it over. Figure it out. Work out what you want…"

`Work out who you want…'

She swallowed with difficult past the lump that had appeared in her throat.

"Yes sir."

She turned and walked to the door, tears stinging the backs of her eyes at his flippant dismissal. This was what she'd decided on. This was the right thing to do. So why did it hurt so much?

She opened the door slowly, giving him time. Time to do what exactly? Her conscience dug. What do you expect him to do? You dump this on him and expect him to…what? Tell you not to go? Or do you want him to tell you that this is the right thing to do? Give you permission maybe? Perhaps say that you haven't just ruined whatever it was that you had? Is that what you want? She realised she didn't know. And that was the problem.

`I'll always be there for you. No matter what. Believe me.'

She so badly wanted to hear those words from him. But this was the reality. She stepped through the doorway.

"…I'll still be here."

His softly spoken words barely reached her ears as she pulled the door closed. She paused, just before letting it shut and allowed the guilty sense of relief to wash over her.

"I know you will." She murmured.

She closed the door on the room and walked away. The sound of his mug smashing into the wall made her flinch, but she carried on moving. Inside the room, Jack watched the now-cold coffee drip down the wall, falling into a puddle amidst the ceramic shards on the floor.

`I don't know what I feel for you.'

He ripped up the half-complete resignation papers on his desk and threw them in the bin. What was the cliché? No fool like an old fool. It felt very apt at that precise moment. He rested his arms on the desk and buried his face in his hands.

~~~End~~~

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