"Sam."
She stared down at the plastic cup in her hand. For a moment she forgot what she was about to do, but then remembered. Automatically she filled the cup with punch, wishing it contained alcohol, knowing that it didn't. They were still in the SGC and if a call came, everyone should be prepared for it. The Goa'uld might be defeated, but that didn't mean that all danger was eliminated. That didn't mean that she couldn't at least try to get drunk on the illusion.
"Sam?"
He was gone; she knew he wouldn't turn up at the celebration party even if he had told her otherwise. A wrenched feeling had settled in the pit of her stomach the moment she had walked into his office. She wasn't exactly sure what had motivated her to look for him after Daniel had mentioned his absence. If she was honest with herself, she never thought that this moment would come. Maybe she hadn't expected for the whole team to even get this far.
"Sam?!"
She swallowed as she considered what might have been: one of them dead. Her fingers tightened around the cup, denting it.
"Sam!" The worried voice finally reached her as a hand softly settled on her shoulder.
"What?" She snapped, annoyed, as she turned to look at the person who had dared to disturb her.
"Are you alright?" Janet asked, her eyes searching to discover what was going on.
"I'm fine!" Sam protested, maybe a bit too much.
Janet raised her eyebrow. "Yes, I'm sure your hands are shaking because you're perfectly fine." She answered sarcastically.
Confused, Sam looked down at her hand to notice that she was shivering slightly. Hating her body for betraying her unease, she quickly put the cup down , the contents spilling from it onto the table. "I'm fine!" She repeated, even more annoyed now with her urge to clean the mess she just made.
The look of disbelief she received from the Doctor wasn't helping. "What did Colonel O'Neill say?"
Sam blinked. Janet couldn't possibly have known where she had gone "How should I know? I didn't see him."
"Oh," Janet frowned and walked up to the table to clean the mess herself. "I just thought that was where you went."
"No." Sam answered, glaring at Janet's hands.
"What is it then? Is there something with Rob?" Janet tried to get more information out of her.
"No, everything is just fine between me and Rob." She didn't want to think about him. Not now, when the Colonel had left the SGC for good. There was little doubt within her that he wouldn't set foot in Cheyenne Mountain again. "Couldn't be better." She added with a small sigh, immediately drawing Janet's attention.
"Wow, you really sound convincing," she pointed out.
"Janet, please. Not now, not here." Sam shook her head.
"And when and where will be the right time?" The Doctor didn't seem to give up, something she had become too good at sometimes.
"There is nothing to say!" Sam protested weakly.
"Sam..." Janet put on her lecture face as she drew in a deep breath to continue to speak.
"Don't say another word!" Sam hissed at her, not wanting people to notice their argument. "I. Love. Rob. And that's that, Janet. There is nothing between me and Colonel O'Neill, and there will never be. He resigned and he probably won't ever show his face here again. It's over!" She looked her friend deep into the eyes, wanting her point to be very clear. With a short nod, considering her mission accomplished, she turned on her heels. She made a point of walking out of the mess as angrily as she could, ignoring the wrenched feeling that just didn't want to fade.
How could there possibly still be something between her and Colonel O'Neill when she had betrayed him in the worst way possible?
***
Two weeks later...
Sam sighed as she put the last of the glasses into the cupboard. She hated waking up to find a kitchen full of dishes waiting for her. Rob had tried convincing her to just leave it and go to bed. In spite of his "we have to celebrate it privately" argument, she had insisted they clean up now.
It was like being at her wedding; everyone wishing them both good luck, telling them how lucky they were to have found each other. She thought she would scream if she heard 'You two make a lovely couple,' once more.
She closed the cupboard with a bit more force than necessary and leaned her hands on the counter.
"Honey, do you want to come and open the gifts?" Rob's voice travelled to her from the living room, where he had been trying to get rid of the last of the evidence.
"Yeah, sure. You start, I'll be there in a sec." She replied and pushed herself away from the counter.
God, she felt ridiculous. She had waited for *him*, hoped that he would turn up at her door to wish her a happy life. Slowly she opened the refrigerator and stared at the icy view in front of her, not really registering what she was seeing. If things were reversed she was sure she wouldn't be able to go to his engagement party. So why had she hoped so much that he would be different from her? That the doorbell would ring and when she opened the door she would find him there in jeans, T-shirt and leather jacket. She closed her eyes for a moment and could almost smell his aftershave, her knees going weak from the thought.
Cursing softly to herself, she finally picked up two beers and slammed the door closed with her foot. She had moved on, she shouldn't be thinking about him, not like this.
As she entered the living room she found Rob sitting on the couch amidst a whole pile of presents. He was currently tearing open one and grinned up at her, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
Sam chuckled, enjoying seeing him like this. She sat down on the couch next to him. "So what did we get?"
"A toaster from my aunt, a his-and-hers towel set from Janet and..." He got frustrated with the package and just tore it. Confused, he looked down as the contents fell into his lap.
"Is that some kind of joke?" He looked at Sam and picked up the old, worn cap. "Is this some joke from your colleagues?"
Sam frowned and took the cap from him. "Oh god," she whispered as she looked at the cap, recognising it immediately for what it was: Colonel Jack O'Neill's lucky cap.
"What?" Rob looked at her as if she was going nuts.
"Did you see who gave this?" She asked urgently, looking around even though she knew everyone had left an hour ago. How could he have been here when she hadn't seen him?
Rob shrugged. "I don't remember. There have been so many people here..." He frowned and looked at the cap. "Who is it from?"
All her thoughts about Jack stopped right there at that question. She looked down at her hands that were holding the cap tightly. She knew what it meant for the Colonel to leave this here. It was his way of letting her know he still believed and trusted in her to keep SG-1 and the entire world safe. "No one, probably just a joke from the guys. You know that Teal'c has a peculiar sense of humour."
"Yeah," Rob nodded in agreement as he knew the team fairly well. That was how they had met to begin with. He worked at Area-51 and one day SG-1 had needed help with an artefact. They had worked together for 48 hours straight, but finally had come up with a brilliant, even if she said so herself, solution. They worked great together. He understood what she was talking about. He was considerate. He knew everything about the SGC, so no secrets were necessary.
"Do you want to open the next one?" He asked, pulling her out of her thoughts again.
Sam shook her head. "No, I think I'd rather go to bed." She gave him a gentle smile and lay the cap down on the coffee table. "Care to join?" She asked with a playful wink as she got up from the couch and headed towards the stairs.
She heard him chuckle behind her as he followed. "You know I do." Next thing his arms wrapped around her from behind and he placed a gentle kiss on her neck. She smiled and leaned into his chest, enjoying the security of his arms. The body contact, the ability to just act without having to think about everything you thought or did, was something that had brought her to him.
***
Sam gently rolled on her side to look at the time: 03:14. Sighing, she lay back down and stared up at the ceiling. Rob's arm was wrapped around her stomach and although sometimes she enjoyed the way he'd keep her close to him, right now it was annoying her. His breathing was deep and regular, and she knew not even a Goa'uld mothership would wake him up. He had fallen asleep about three hours ago, but she hadn't been able to join him. Even though her body felt exhausted, her mind was racing.
She thought back to the party and her conversation with Daniel. She knew that if Colonel O'Neill kept in contact with anyone it would be him. So when it seemed the least suspicious, she had asked the archaeologist whether he had heard from the Colonel. Daniel had just shaken his head and told her he hadn't heard from the man since he had called him two weeks ago to announce that he was going to Minnesota. At that point Teal'c, who had silently taken part in the conversation, lifted his eyebrows to tell her that 'It is most peculiar that O'Neill did not invite any of us along.' She had silently agreed and dropped the subject, even though her mind wouldn't do the same.
The image of him being alone in his cabin struck her, it was true. He'd always tried to bring someone along, especially her it seemed. It was with regret that she realised she would probably never see it for herself now. She knew what his gift meant, just like she knew what it meant for him to not even talk to her.
Suddenly the bedroom seemed to get too hot, even in spite of her lack of clothing. The darkness seemed to be closing in on her as she felt confined lying in bed. Rob's arm across her belly only helped to increase her unease. His deep and steady breath starting to work more and more on her nerves. With a soft groan she pushed herself up and the arm slipped from her body. It was like a weight had just slipped off her chest and she could breath again. She looked one more time at the man sleeping next to her and got out of bed.
After what felt like an eternity, she finally managed to find a shirt and pants in the dark and pulled those on. As she went to open the door, she heard the bed squeak a little as Rob moved. "Sam?" His sleepy voice called.
"Just go to sleep." She answered and waited for a moment.
"Where are you going?" His words were slurred.
"Bathroom, now go to sleep." She tried hard to keep her voice to a whisper. There wasn't a reply from him and she heard his breathing steady again. Silently, she opened the door and slipped out of the bedroom. Not bothering to turn on any lights, she walked downstairs and into the living room, opening the door that led towards the garden. Grateful for the soft breeze that swept through the house, she settled down on the couch and stared at the dark tv-screen.
It didn't take long for her eyes to move down from the screen and on to the cap that was still lying on the coffee table. With a soft sigh she reached out and picked it up. He'd never go on a mission without it. A gentle smile curved her lips as she remembered Jack's face when Jonas had tried it on. He had walked up to the alien, snatched the cap out of his hands and after dusting it off lovingly, placed it back on his head. When he was satisfied the cap was safe, he had glared at Jonas and told him to 'Never, ever, touch *my* cap again!'
Her smile saddened as her fingers stroked along the cap's peak. Things were so different at the SGC without Jack O'Neill around. She never thought she would even think this, but she missed his sarcasm, the way he would deal with situations. It wasn't that he didn't take things seriously, anything but. Just the way he could joke at even the worst of times somehow helped her to put things in perspective. Nothing could be that bad if Jack could still joke about it. Her thoughts lingered on the use of his name, a part of her wanted to even try saying it out loud. Still, she was too self aware to go talk to herself in the dark.
Swallowing, she finally made up her mind and put the cap on. Slowly she tugged it down until it was nearly touching her eyebrows. He used to wear it like this, preventing the world from seeing his eyes unless he wanted to - something that had frustrated her from time to time. She remembered having to fight the urge to just yank it from his head and demand that he'd look into her eyes. But then there were moments that were quite the opposite. When she had turned around and found him looking at her, his eyes glistening in the shade of the peak, and a slow but mischievous grin creasing his face. It was then that she had trouble breathing, that she wanted to lose herself in those depths and the longing would be so great that she had to look away, fighting the reddening of her cheeks.
Sam groaned and closed her eyes as she thought about her ex-CO like that. Here she was, sitting on her own in the dark, while upstairs her handsome and caring boyfriend was completely unaware of the unfaithful thoughts she was harbouring. But somehow it didn't feel like a betrayal towards Rob. It felt like she was betraying Jack... and herself.
She rested her cheek against the leather of the couch, trying to draw some sort of relief from its cool texture. She realised that the feelings gnawing inside her were those of regret. He shouldn't have just left the way he did. His gift was touching and it meant a lot to her, even though she knew that Rob would never get the meaning. She just wished that he would have given it to her personally. It wasn't the first time that she had missed him, but at least in the past there had been the worrying to cover it up. Now there was no disaster or Goa'uld keeping him away from her. He was gone because he chose so and she knew that she had driven him to leaving.
As she sat there, she suddenly became aware of a familiar smell. It took a while for her to figure out what it exactly was, but then it hit her: it was Jack's scent. His after shave mixed with the distinct smell that was Jack O'Neill. She realised it must be from the cap. Her common sense told her to pull it off and go back to bed, with Rob. But it was another feeling that won out. A longing inside her to see him one more time, to thank him for the cap, and for being a great CO. Maybe it was an insane idea as it was the middle of the night and he probably would be sleeping, but she couldn't sit still much longer. Even if he was sleeping, she could at least go for a drive.
***
Sam's hands tightened around the steering wheel as she looked at Jack O'Neill's house. To her surprise, the whole building was lit up like a Christmas tree, making it clear that something was going on inside. She bit her lip as she started to reconsider whether or not this was a good idea. Honestly, she didn't have a clue what to say to him. She wasn't even sure what she wanted to achieve by turning up at his house in the middle of the night.
Her hand slipped off the wheel and onto the keys that were still in the ignition. Slowly, she stared to turn it, but half way through her hand froze. It was clear that Jack was cutting all ties between them and maybe this was her last chance to stop him from succeeding. The idea that she might never see him again made her ill. It was now or never. If she left, she lost him. If she went inside, maybe she still would, but at least she wouldn't have to wonder about what could have been.
She pulled the key from the ignition and turned it around in her hands, her eyes constantly fixed on the house. Now and then she could make out his shadow as he passed a window. She sat there for a while until she finally had gathered enough courage and got out of the car. The walk up to his front door seemed to last forever. Her mind was racing to find the right words, but nothing came. So when she finally stopped right in front of the door, she had no clue what to tell him.
Well, at least she got this far. Her eyes stared at the doorbell, willing it to ring on its own. The effort of raising her arm and doing it herself seemed to be insurmountable.
"Oh for crying out loud, just ring the damn bell!" She chastised herself.
As if the Colonel himself had ordered her to do so, she rang it. The urge to just turn and run like hell rose in her, but she stamped on it hard and remained immobile. Inside the house she could hear the distinct steps of Jack O'Neill approaching. For a moment she could hear him opening the locks and then the door opened wide. As the light spilled over the threshold, Sam had to squint to let her eyes adjust.
She could see Jack freeze the second he laid his eyes upon her. As she got accustomed to the light, she noticed how tightly his hand held the doorknob. The set of his jaw was determined, and his dark eyes were closed so she couldn't even imagine what he was thinking. All the while the both of them stayed silent, each staring at the other and trying to determine what would happen next. Realising that he wouldn't say anything until she did, she forced herself to smile at him.
"Sir," She was amazed her voice sounded this steady, as her knees felt like they could give way any second now.
He nodded, "Carter."
Another awkward silence descended in which they both remained rooted to the spot, neither of them knowing what to say. After what seemed like ages, Jack finally released his death grip on the door. Without a word, he turned and headed back down the hall, leaving the door wide open for her.
A bit uncertain, Sam followed him inside, closing the door behind her. As soon as she entered the living room she was struck by the mess. There were boxes all over the place and it only took her a minute to realise what was going on.
"You're moving?" She asked, unnecessary as it was obvious.
"Yeah," Jack just replied and disappeared into the kitchen. "Want something to drink?" Came his distant voice, and she heard him open the fridge.
"No, I'm fine." She answered as she looked at the half packed box standing on top of the table. It had 'cabin' written on the side, she was about to glance inside when she felt, more than heard, him walk up behind her. Quickly, she turned around to face him. Their eyes met and both of them stopped moving. "You're moving to Minnesota?"
Jack nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets. More than ever she noticed the gesture was insecure.
"For good?" Her voice was soft as she cocked her head. The idea of him leaving Colorado Springs was terrifying.
"I'm selling the house." It wasn't a straightforward answer but it was all she needed to know.
She nodded and looked down at her sneakers. "When are you leaving?"
"The movers are coming to get my stuff in..." There was a pause as he had to look at his watch. "Four hours."
All she could do was nod, the emotions were gripping so tightly at her throat that she couldn't possibly utter another word. She was more than aware of his eyes resting on her as the silence stretched out painfully.
"Why are you here, Carter?" If she ever knew why, the reason had fled the moment he had opened the door.
"I..." She stammered, forcing the words past the lump. She looked up again to find him watching her curiously. His dark eyes were twinkling and for a second she thought she could look past the barriers. But as soon as the moment came, it went again and they became impenetrable. She suddenly realised she was still wearing his cap. "I came to thank you for the gift."
"Oh," He answered and looked down as his feet, looking for a reply. "You're welcome. It was nothing really." He tried to sound as indifferent as possible, but Sam knew him too well to see by his posture that he really wasn't.
"No, it is not nothing." Sam insisted and took a step closer to him. "It means a lot." Her voice was soft and Jack looked back up at her. She nearly gasped as their eyes met again. The look in his was so passionate and at the same time so filled with pain that it hit her like a tidal wave. Her first urge was to reach out for him, to stroke his cheek with her fingers and she barely managed to keep herself in control. She quickly looked away to keep the tingling feeling in the pit of her stomach from spreading.
When she looked back again he hadn't moved. His eyes were downcast and his hands were even deeper inside his pockets. She frowned at the gesture. "Why do you do that?"
He glanced up as she blurted out the question. "Do what?"
"Keep your hands in your pockets when you're around me," she clarified.
Jack cocked his head and looked at her puzzled. "Carter, it's me! You know that I can't sit still for a second!"
Sam snorted and grinned at him. "Yeah sure! For a man who can't sit still you love fishing a lot."
He blinked and looked even more confused, if that was possible. "What's your point?"
"That you only fiddle with things when you get nervous." She explained.
He opened his mouth to argue but she didn't give him a chance.
"And somehow you seem to get nervous every time you are around me." She really had no idea where this conversation was coming from. She knew even less where it was going. "Why? Why do you get so nervous around me?" She pleaded, as apparently this was her goal.
If he wasn't going to breath soon she would be forced give him CPR. With relief she finally noticed his chest starting to rise and fall again, even if it was very irregular. "I.." The word came out stammering and he pulled his hands from his pockets. "It's just..." He started again and rubbed his hand over his face. "Does it really matter?" He asked a bit annoyed, not coming up with an answer.
Sam had no idea why, but suddenly it did seem important. "Yeah, it does." She looked at him pleadingly. "Do I really make you that uncomfortable?"
"No!" He said right away and shook his head. His hand reached for hers but just in time it fell back idly by his side. "No..." He shook his head. "Not uncomfortable, I just don't think I can..." He closed his eyes, shook his head again and took a couple of steps back, ending up standing against the back of the couch.
"Can what?" She insisted.
Jack swallowed and let out an audible sigh. "Sam, please..."
Her heart stopped at the use of her name. She wasn't sure if it was just the fact that he actually said it, or the way he did it. He sounded tired and desperate for her to stop her line of questioning. Unable to move or speak she just looked at him, noticing the deep lines in his face. He looked older than she remembered, ragged and worn, and she realised she had done this to him.
He looked back up at her, his dark eyes filled with a turmoil of emotions she could not even begin to categorise. "Do you really want to know?"
She should have said no and left it there. Part of her knew that what he would say could change everything between them. But she just nodded, still unable to find her voice.
"Okay," he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he gathered his thoughts. When he looked up again he seemed to be more in control of his emotions. "I..." He groaned in frustration. "You don't make me feel uncomfortable, it's just that... I don't trust myself with you."
Never in her life had she seen the Colonel this nervous as he struggled to get the words out. She knew he wasn't someone who wore his heart on his sleeve and she hadn't really encouraged him either. "What do you mean?" She asked softly.
"Oh come on, Carter!" Jack responded. "You're not that dumb! You know how I feel about you!"
She raised her eyebrows. "I know how you felt about me." She corrected.
He stared at her in disbelief. "How can you not know? God, Sam..."
She shook her head and looked deep into his eyes. "How could I know? You keep shutting everyone out, Jack. You keep shutting me out. How can I know what you feel about me when you won't even talk to me about how you feel about yourself? You didn't even want to be with me alone for longer than five minutes." She swallowed hard. "How could I know, Jack?"
"Because it's obvious, Sam." Jack answered and the feeling with which he spoke those words really made it that. "I have never hidden what I felt from you. From the Air Force, yes. But not from you." He took another step forward so there was little space left in between them. As she looked up into his eyes, she wondered how she could ever have missed the deep emotions that lay so close to the surface.
"But you left. You chose Rob over me." He pointed out, the hurt she had caused him all too clear.
"I didn't!" She protested but she didn't blame Jack for the look of disbelief in his eyes. "Rob was..." She closed her eyes as she realised what she was about to say. She hadn't even allowed herself to think the truth, even if deep in her heart she had always known it. "He was there for me, in a way that you weren't allowed to be."
It was true, Rob had been there for her. He had been able to hold her without any repercussions, but even if she hadn't admitted it to herself, he had been a replacement for what she really wanted. "I used him." She whispered and gave Jack a sad smile. "It wasn't fair of me; I knew all along that he could never replace what I really need." Their eyes locked once more and she let him know what it was that she really needed.
Sam felt bad as she looked down at the ring on her hand. She never meant to hurt Rob, but in a way it seemed to have always been inevitable. Part of her wished that she could at least try to love him back, but she knew that he could never mean to her what Jack did.
"You're doing him a favour." Jack whispered, having noticed what she was looking at.
She nodded, knowing it was the truth. Rob deserved better than being married to someone who didn't return his feelings in the same way. She slipped the diamond ring from her finger and placed it on the table. Even though she felt bad for what she had to do to Rob, Sam couldn't help but smile as she looked back up at Jack.
He smiled back at her and suddenly she felt his fingers wrap around hers. They didn't need any words as their eyes said everything. She gently squeezed his hand and it was all the encouragement he needed to pull her closer.
His eyes were twinkling as he gently pulled the cap from her head and smoothed her hair by threading his fingers through it. She leaned into his touch, enjoying the feeling.
"So..." He said a bit nervously as his thumb drew lazy circles inside her palm.
She grinned back at him, relieved to see the tension no longer present in his face and eyes. "So..." She replied lightly.
He rolled his eyes at their indecision and shook his head. All she could do was laugh as he looked at a schoolboy about to get his first kiss.
He raised his eyebrows in confusion as he wondered what she was laughing about. "What?"
Sam chuckles. "You..."
"What about me?" She could feel his fingers twitch as she was making him nervous.
"You're cute," she blurted out, receiving a glare in response.
"I'm n..." She didn't let him finish his protest as she captured his lips with hers. At first he didn't respond, too shocked at what was finally happening. He recovered soon enough though and she felt him gently nuzzle her lips back.
Sam moaned softly as he licked her lips, demanding access that she eagerly granted. She felt his arms wrap around her as he pulled her body against his. Willingly, she leaned into him and slipped her arms around his neck, threading her fingers through his short hair.
She remembered the way he tasted from years ago, a passionate and hungry kiss she had stolen from him once. But this time it was different, deeper and more soulful. Emotions that had been captured behind solid walls and energy fields were finally allowed to roam freely. Years of yearning, wanting and needing, at long lest were resolved in this one kiss. There was no doubt left in her anymore about what he felt for her, as no one had ever touched her with as much feeling and passion.
As the need for air at last forced them apart, Sam rested her forehead against his. Their eyes met and neither of them doubted any longer what was written in the other's heart. Sam knew that she didn't need to say anything, they had spoken in a way that no words could ever convey.
Jack grinned at her, a warm smile she had only dreamt of being directed towards her. And now that it finally was, she felt a weight drop from her shoulders as they once again came to a silent agreement, one neither of them would ever break.
THE END
Here's a story
Of lover's finding
Union so deep
There is no unwinding
Tender threads exquisitely finding
Two lives together
One soul deep resounding
Love so strong whatever the weather
Even apart our souls are together
It's you and me, babe, forever and ever
Even apart we're dreaming together
One, one
Suddenly all time and space
Loses it's meaning when I see your face
And I'm wrapped up in heaven's grace
Feeling so safe in your sweet embrace
One, one, one, one ...
(Lamb - One)
Story Notes: A/N: Thank you to chiroho and nhawk for betareading this. If you don't like the story and think I shouldn't have written a sequel: complain to chiroho he wanted it!
Feedback: Just let me know what you honestly think, it makes my day! Really, I'm a student at university, this is the only pay I get! sweetinstigator@hotmail.com
Feedback: Just let me know what you honestly think, it makes my day! Really, I'm a student at university, this is the only pay I get! sweetinstigator@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]