I'm so tired. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I don’t know why I feel this way. I went to see the doc but she insists there’s nothing physically wrong with me. How can I make her understand how I feel? ‘Well you see doc, it’s like this: I can’t sleep because I can’t get a certain blond out of my mind!’ Like that’s ever going to happen.
I don’t know when it started; all I know is that it’s spreading. For a while she was only my second in command. The fact that she was a woman, and a very attractive woman, came to me only as an after thought. She was Carter and I was the Colonel. Easy. Simple. Okay we had our little moments but it wasn’t confusing. We both knew our positions and neither of us crossed the line.
And then she went and almost got herself killed. I carried her from the battle filed through the stargate. I could feel her arms tighten around my neck as we traveled, her body shaking from pain in my arms. When we got back I wouldn’t let anyone take her from me. I carried her myself to the infirmary. I slept by her bed for 5 horrible days and nights. By then I knew something was different but I kept telling myself I would have acted no different if it was any other member of SG-1 that got hurt. I know Janet told her. The look in her eyes is different now when she looks at me. I can almost see the pity in her them.
‘What ever makes you think I’ll be interested in someone like you?’ she almost says, but never does.
I look at Daniel. I think I scared him with the way I'm talking. All the poor guy did was ask if I was ok and I went and laid it all on him. I guess I just needed to let it out. He just looks at me and nods. He understands.
"Why don’t you tell her?" He gives me a sympathetic look.
"Some things are better left unsaid." I reply as I get up to leave.
"Jack if you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here." I can hear him say as I leave the room. Good old Danny. We have our disagreements but he’s probably the only person I can talk to about this.
***********************************************************
I was going to open the locker room door when I heard talking from inside. From the voices I could tell it was the colonel and Daniel. They were talking about some nameless blond. It seems the colonel was lovesick. Daniel kept referring to her as the blond. As if he was using some sort of a code name so no one will know who it was they were talking about. I know I shouldn’t be listening. With every word that came out of the colonel’s mouth my mood got darker and darker. That man can drive me insane sometimes.
After Janet told me about what he did I was hoping… but I guess I was a fool. He’ll never see me as a woman. I’m his second in command and nothing more. Wake up Carter. You will never be Sam to him. I can hear footsteps approaching the door from inside. ‘I better get out of here’ is all I think as I make my way back to the infirmary. Janet has got some explaining to do.
***********************************************************
Talking to Daniel did me some good. I managed to get some sleep that night. She still surfaced in my dreams though, but unlike reality the dreams were sweet and happy. The past few weeks it seemed everything went back to normal. I thought Sam was angry about something at first but Daniel told me I was just imagining it. We went back to normal. She was Carter again and I was the colonel.
But it wasn’t really normal. I still dreamt about her. It is hard to get over someone when they are always there. It would have stayed like that if it weren’t for Janet and Daniel. It was a week before Sam’s birthday and we were sitting in the officers club planning the surprise party. ‘We’ was Janet, Daniel, Teal’c and myself.
"We need someone to take her out so we can arrange the party in her house." for some reason Janet was looking directly at me when she said that.
"Okay, Daniel you think you can drag Carter to the lab for some important thing for a few hours before the party?" The look Janet gave me made me feel like the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees.
"Not really Jack"
"No? Why not?" Janet and Daniel exchanged looks
"He has to help me with the cake." And that was that. From the look on Janet’s face I knew there was no point in trying to argue with her. Daniel was going to help her.
"So what are we going to do with her?" and there were those knowing looks again. What is it with those two? I feel like I’m missing the point here.
"Why don’t you invite her to your house Jack?"
"My house? What for?"
"She could help you with cleaning your attic. You’ve been whining about that for weeks" I gave Daniel a sharp look. I do not whine. I complain loudly.
"I don’t think Carter would be interested in helping me clean out my attic on her birthday Daniel."
"You leave the convincing to us Colonel, she’ll be there"
We continued on arguing about the details for another hour or so until Daniel sealed it up. "So we’re in agreement. Jack will entertain Sam for a few hours in his house while we prepare the decorations and stuff in her house. Later on we will call you when we’re ready for her, you’ll drive her back to her house and we party all night."
"It’s a plan"
Funny how things rarely go as you plan them
***********************************************************
It was two days before Sam’s birthday and it was time for me to invite her over. I didn’t think I would be that nervous about such a stupid thing. It’s not like she hasn’t been over to my house before, for crying out load she even has a key! But somehow this felt different. After a little pep talk from Daniel who insisted she would be more than happy to help me clean out my attic (I wonder what they told her so she would agree to that) I made my way to the lab. Sam was deep in conversation with someone from SG-9 and didn’t even notice me come in.
"Hey Carter." I tried to sound as casual as possible. Look at me. I'm in my forties and I'm feeling like I'm in high school around her. As a kid I always had trouble figuring out what to do with my hands. Good thing she has the most interesting things in her lab. I can keep my hands busy.
"Oh hello colonel! I didn’t see you there. Is there something I can do for you?" I don’t know who she was trying to fool with that line but it wasn’t me. Sam wasn’t a very good actress. I could read in her face she knew I was coming. And I bet she also knew why. Now I was starting to get curies as to what Danny had told her. And for some reason that thing in my hand started to seem more interesting by the minute.
"I was just wondering if you’ve got some free time on Thursday afternoon."
"Sure what do you need me for?" now that was really odd. She definitely knew that Thursday was her birthday. Yet she was more than willing to give it up? Whatever they told her, it must be big.
"I just need some help in cleaning my attic. I'm trying to get as many people as I can to help" and I tried to give her one of my best devilish smiles.
"Cleaning your attic? Sounds like… fun." Really, really, really big. She looks like she would rather visit the dentist then help me clean my attic yet she is coming. I’ve got to catch Daniel and make him tell me what they told her.
"Okay so I’ll see you then Carter. Around 5?"
"Sure colonel. See you there." I dropped the gizmo back on the desk and got the hell out of there.
For some strange reason Daniel was nowhere to be found for the next two days. It’s like he vanished from the face of the earth. Janet was not very helpful either. Whenever I tried to talk to her she was either on her way to talk to Hammond, busy with some patient or making excuses for Daniel. I got the feeling they were both doing the best they could to get away from me. Makes a man wonder. Finally I ran in to Teal’c. I figured that asking him couldn’t hurt so I gave it a try. Has a Jaffa ever brushed you off? Well that’s what happened to me. He simply nodded. Mentioned something about a secret oath and disappeared around the corner. I'm really starting to wonder who my friends are. Or more to the point what my friends are on.
The two days passed fast. Between me running after shadows of Daniel or trying to squeeze some more information from a stubborn Jaffa I didn’t even notice that it was Thursday. When I heard the gentle knock on the door I knew it was Sam. Punctual as always. You could set your watch by her. I walked slowly to the door. Well this is it. She’s here. Now I'm going to spend the next few hours with her going through my junk. So close yet so far. The afternoon from hell.
"Hello Sir!" she said pushing me out of the way and making her way to the kitchen. She was dressed casual. Old sweat pants and a black t-shirt that had seen better days. But I can honestly say she was one of the beautiful women I have ever seen.
"Carter?" I was sure I asked her here to clean. Not make dinner.
"I figured were going to be stuck here for a few hours at least. And we would need some fuel," she said with a shining smile "I hope you don’t mind." when I saw the bottle of red wine she pulled out I grinned. Now what makes her think I would mind? She pulled out an old cap from one of the bags and put it on her head backwards. "Ready when you are sir." her mood had improved since I saw her. This may turn out to be more fun then I expected.
"After you Carter," I pointed to the door at the end of the corridor.
Following her up the ladder was one of the most enjoyable tasks of the day. The way those pants molded to her body… but I have to keep my mind on the task at hand. It took me awhile to find the light switch. I haven’t been up here since the day I moved. All the memories I didn’t want to remember. I’ve been wanting to clean this place up for a while. Ever since the crystal entity tried to bring back Charlie so he could heal my pain. I have a lot of pain stashed up in this attic.
"We have a lot of work to do." she said while examining the mountains of boxes in front of us.
"Yeah I know," I said while giving her an apologizing smile.
"I guess I'm the only sucker who accepted the job?" the smile on her face was genuine. She was enjoying tormenting me like this.
"You guessed right! So let’s get started"
"Point me to the first box, sir!"
"Jack"
"Huh?" she turned around with surprise.
"My name."
"I know that" she was confused. But I didn’t care. It was time, after 3 years and about a gazillion times that she had saved my life it was time she called me by my name.
"Use it!" The smile I got in return made it clear she liked the idea.
It was fun working with her. We were sitting on the dirty floor, side by side trying to sort the junk in the boxes. The wine she’d brought was extremely good, but her company affected my judgment as well. To be honest I don’t know how many glasses I had. By the 5th glass I stopped counting.
"Hey Jack, why don’t we put on a little music?" she asked while dragging one of the boxes we had marked as junk to the entrance of the attic.
"Music?"
"Sure. I know I always have music when I clean. Makes the work more fun!"
"Sure why not. Just put on what ever you want" Now why didn’t I think about that. I heard her climbing down the ladder. A minute later I could hear some up beat song coming out of my living room speakers. I can swear I saw her dancing on her way up. I like the way she moves. God I'm doing it again. "I never figured you for the dancing type Carter"
"Sam" she said with a serious look.
"Huh?"
"My name. Use it!" God how I love that smile.
"Sam" I returned the smile. I have to admit the music did help, either that or the alcohol. When another hour has passed we were almost done. Only 2 boxes left. The boxes I really didn’t want to get in to. The memories I tried to forget.
***********************************************************
If you would have asked me how my birthday was going at noon I would have answered that it sucked. Not even one of my friends remembered my birthday. Not even Daniel, and he always made a big deal from everyone else’s birthdays. He even took the time to calculate exactly when Teal’c was born in earth date and we celebrated it every year. And to top it all I got stuck with cleaning the colonel’s attic from 5 till god knows how long. When Daniel and Janet first came to me and told me about this I thought it was all a huge joke.
"He needs a helping hand. Some one to support him thought this. He has a lot of bad memories hidden up there. We’ll all be there." Daniel is a really good liar.
"Just don’t let him know we told you about this. He is way too proud to admit that he needs anyone." Janet wasn’t that bad with lying either.
Around 2 o’clock I knew I was going to be the only one there. Even Teal’c managed to get out of it with one of the lamest excuses I ever heard.
"I need to wash my hair," he said with the most serious look on his face. Apparently someone thought this was funny. But what can you do. I made a promise and I was going to keep it. After moping around my apartment all day I decided I had had enough. So what if I was going to be spending my birthday cleaning someone else’s mess. That someone was not just anyone. And frankly the thought of spending the entire afternoon alone, in a very non-military place, with my favorite colonel started to seem more appealing by the minute.
I figured the best way to loosen things up was to bring some wine. And after a few hours I knew my instincts were right. As unappealing as this task was, I was enjoying every minute of it. We were on first name basis now. He insisted and I couldn’t agree more. By 7 o’clock if you had asked me the same question I would have said that this is one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.
***********************************************************
Dragging the boxes down the ladder and out to the trash wasn’t as easy as I had thought. I’ve managed to accumulate a lot of junk in the past years. My mind kept wandering to the last 2 boxes that still sat up there in the attic. Like Pandora’s box waiting to be opened.
"We’re almost done Jack!" I head her shout from the attic. She was enjoying using my first name. I thought she would have problems adjusting to it, but it seems it came natural to her. Just as natural as it was for me to call her Sam. "Just two more boxes left," she continued.
"Why don’t we finish this some other time, Sam?" I'm such a coward sometimes. She sticks her head down the opening and gives me a serious look.
"Don’t tell me you’re going to break down now! We’re almost done!"
"It’s getting cold up there" I can come up with some of the worst excuses sometimes. But I can see she isn’t buying it.
"They don’t seem to be very large. It looks like they contain mostly papers. Why don’t we drag them downstairs and sort them out there?" I give her a pleading look. Why was she so persistent? "Come on, help me get those boxes down." and by then I know that I had no choice. When Sam had her mind set on something no one could get in her way. We placed the boxes on the living room table and we both sat on the soft carpet next to it.
"Why don’t you take one and I’ll take the other," She said while pouring us yet another glass of wine.
"Sure, whatever"
She carefully opened the first box, as if she knew that what was in there must have been important. I on the other hand made no attempt to open the box in front of me. I know what’s in there. I put it there. I don’t need to look inside to know the devil is there.
She carefully takes out the old book. I remember that book. My best friend gave it to me when I got my bars.
"The Odyssey" she reads the title out load. She flips the yellow pages with care pausing to read the inscription on the first page. "To Jack. We all go thought our own odyssey but at the end we all go home, give them hell. David" she gives me a questioning look.
"My best friend in the academy, he died just after giving me this book." I answered her unspoken question. She then carefully continues to extract memories from the box in front of her. A piece of every man and woman who ever served under me and lost his or her life. When she finally gets to the last piece she understands what that box is for. She knows the last piece. She met Kowalski. She knows the nametag and whom it belonged to. She looks at me with such concern in her eyes. All I do is lower my head in shame.
***********************************************************
The box of the dead. When I finally figured out what the box was for I understood why he didn’t want to open it. I try to give him a sympathetic look. He lowers his eyes. He looks like he’s ashamed he lost all those people. I lean down and hug him. I don’t know what came over me but I couldn’t resist. To my surprise he lets me comfort him for a while. Facing your past can be hard. I carefully arrange all the items in a new box. After making sure they are all in I place the book on top, just as I found it in the first box.
"Let’s hope you won’t have to add to that box." I say gently as I seal the box.
He lifts his wineglass with a hopeful look on his face.
"Here’s hoping" he gives me a faint smile, which fades just as soon as it came when his gaze lands on the last box. I study his face, seeing the pain reflecting in it, makes me wonder if I was right to make him go through all this. I can guess what’s in that box. There’s one person I have seen no recollection of the entire afternoon. Charlie. We went through hundreds of boxes. And I have not seen one thing that was his. Not a picture, not a toy. Nothing. I was going to back down. Let him sort the last one in his own time. It wasn’t my place to push. But then I saw him reach for that last box.
***********************************************************
The last box. I looked at her face just before I reached for it. From the look on her face I knew she wouldn’t push me about this. Opening the box was completely up to me. The quiet support I saw in her eyes made the decision for me. It was time I faced my demons. I carefully opened the box; Sara sent me this box after we broke up. In the letter attached she explained that those were the things she thought should be with me. I never opened the box; at the time I couldn’t face what I would find inside. And after a while I just shut it out with the rest of my life. Inside I found a picture album, a baseball cap and a small teddy bear. I took the baseball cap out and handed it over to Sam.
"That’s the first thing I ever got for him," I explained. She gave me a comforting smile.
"It’s the first time you’ve opened this box isn’t it?"
"Yes" I admitted quietly. "I couldn’t face it before"
Next came the teddy bear, Charlie’s most prized possession when he was very young. She gently took it from me and placed it next to the baseball cap. I slowly opened the album. For a while I just stared at the first page, then I simply dropped it on the floor took my wine glass and walked outside. I shouldn’t have opened that box. I was not ready.
***********************************************************
I carefully studied the baseball cap he handed me. I’ve seen Jack in a lot of situations. I’ve seen him in great physical pain. But this was harder on him. This was something no one could heal. He opened the album and just stared into it for a few miners. Suddenly he dropped it on the floor and walked out. Daniel was right. He needed someone here. I carefully picked up the album and looked at the first page.
I’ve never seen Jack look like he did in that picture. He was happy. It was as if the picture froze his emotions along with the physical state of the moment. He was carrying Charlie on his shoulders, and they were both wearing the same shirt and baseball cap. A father and son. I don’t know how long I stared into that picture when I finally realized it was raining, and Jack was outside. I closed the album and placed it near the cap and teddy bear on the table. I could see him though the living room windows. He was standing outside, looking at the rain.
***********************************************************
I was a hundred miles away when I suddenly felt a gentle touch on my shoulders. Turning around I could see the understanding in her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes. She placed a gentle hand on my cheek, her touch making all the pain disappear. The hug that followed was tight. I don’t think anyone has ever held me in the way she did. We just stood there in the rain holding each other. The comfort she offered was making everything else fade in comparison. My face was now only inches from hers. She made the first move, and leaned in closely. Gently she brushes her soft lips against mine.
"I have been wanting to do that for months." she admits with a soft smile.
"What kept you?" I'm surprised she would even consider being in the same room with me.
"That blond you had a crush on." She gives me an apologizing look "I overheard you and Daniel talking in the locker room a few months ago. I didn’t want to get in the way"
"Well that would have been no problem," I grinned as I leaned down to kiss her surprised face "Seeing as the blond is standing right here." the confusion in her eyes turned into understanding and then lust as she pressed her mouth back on mine. The kiss was raw with passion, full of feelings we both had been suppressing. I could feel her hands probing my back, pulling the shirt out so she could press her fingers on my skin.
"Why don’t we take this inside?" I asked as I lifted her into my arms and carried her upstairs to the bedroom. Gently I laid her on the covers. My mouth never leaving hers. I have been dreaming about this for so long. Things were just starting to get interesting when I heard the phone ring.
"Let it ring" she mumbled into my ear as her mouth worked wonders on my neck. I was planning to, god knows my mind was not in control at the moment, but then I remembered the party. Since the minute she came in the door this afternoon I had not given the party one thought. How the hell am I going to explain this to her now? Slowly I broke away from her clasp and reached for the phone.
"I better get it. It could be important." Damn Daniel and his bad sense of timing. "Hello?" I answered the phone impatiently. Sam was making it almost impossible to concentrate on the phone. Where the hell had she learned to do that thing with her tongue?
"Jack? Is that you?" Daniel. Oh man I almost dropped the phone, She is driving me wild.
"Who else could it be? What is it?" As if I didn’t know.
"We’re ready for you. Get her here as soon as possible! We’ll all be waiting!" Damn it!
"Fine. Will be right there" and there goes my planes for the rest of the evening. Sam stopped her attack on my neck and gave me a questioning look. I could kill Daniel just about now.
"The base. We need to go" the sigh of disappointment that escaped her mouth made me see how much she wanted this to happen.
"For crying out loud!" she yelled. I couldn’t hide my grin as we got up and collected ourselves.
***********************************************************
I kissed him. For a minute there, standing in the rain, my brain shut down. He was so close. I just leaned down and kissed him. And I’m glad I did. By the time he carried me to the bedroom I was almost in heaven. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. The blond was me. I'm blond, it figures. When the phone rang I could practically kill who ever it was on the other side.
"The base. We need to go." he said and I couldn’t stop the sigh of disappointment from escaping my mouth. Damn them for interrupting this! Couldn’t they just take one day off?
"For crying out loud!" I screamed. Jack was staring to rub off on me. He got up slowly. And started to adjust his clothes. He couldn’t hide the grin on his face.
"You’ll need to change your cloths, why don’t we stop by your house before the base" I studied him carefully. Since when had what I was wearing made any difference? Its not like I'm going on a date or something. We were just going to the base. But I wouldn’t mind changing from those cleaning clothes to something a little more presentable.
"Ok, I’ll be right down" I answered with a smile. Damn it’s going to hard to stop smiling now.
Jack went downstairs allowing me time to collect myself before we go. I was so happy and so angry at the same time. I just wished the base would shut down for one night. But duty calls. He was waiting for me next to the front door, the most amazing smile spread on his face. He took my hand and pulled me closer to him.
"We will finish this later." he said as he leaned down and kissed me. That kiss held so much promise, and love.
"We better go" I smiled shyly. Its funny, I’ve been dreaming about this for as long as I’ve known him, And the real thing has exceeded all my dreams.
***********************************************************
The drive back to my house took double what it should have. I just couldn’t keep my hands off him. Knowing he wanted me just as much as I wanted him almost drove me wild. So we kept on stopping at the foot of the road, making out in the front seat like a couple of teenagers. If my dad could see me now, the thought alone made me laugh.
When we finally pulled up at my house I was prepared to throw away everything for just a few more private minutes with him.
"We could be another thirty minutes late" I suggested with a grin, knowing he wanted this as much as me.
"What I have in mind would take all night," he answered with a seductive smile. Slowly we walked to my door. I opened the door slowly wanting to stretch time a little more.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" They all shouted as the lights went on. I gave Jack a questioning look.
"Did you know about this?" The smile that lighted his face was all the answer I needed.
I spent the next thirty minutes kissing cheeks, shaking hands, saying thanks while my eyes kept searching for Jack. When I finally got a moment of peace I dragged Daniel to the side.
"Have you seen Jack?" I hope my voice doesn’t give me away.
"Jack is it?" I never realized Daniel can be that mean when he wanted to. For crying out loud, it’s not like I called him my colonel, my love, the man I have been fantasizing for the past three years. All I did was call him Jack.
"That is the colonel’s first name if you didn’t know, Daniel Jackson." I gave him the most serious look I could come up with. The fact that he was almost exploding from laughing in front of my face was not helping.
"I saw him go outside, I think he’s still out there…Sam." Daniel can be really annoying when he put his mind to it.
I turned and started to walk to the back yard when I heard Daniel shouting across the room to Janet: "WE DID IT!!"
I found Jack standing in the darkness with a beer in his hand.
"There you are." I said as I wrapped my hands around his waist "You knew about this and you didn’t say I word?"
"Well a man has to have his little secrets." That smile, how I love it.
"Happy birthday Sam" he whispered as he leaned down to kiss me.
From behind I could hear Janet’s giggle and Daniel trying not to laugh.
"I think we’ve been set up colonel," I said as I nibbled on his ear.
"I believe you’re right Major, space monkey has more good sense then I gave him credit for".
***********************************************************
The last three months have been the best I’ve ever had. It amazes me every time how much love she is able to give. We’ve been through so much, it took me a while to be able to say this and now I cannot believe I ever had trouble.
I am in love with Sam Carter.
There are times I want to shout it from rooftops. Can you believe it? I'm acting like a lovesick colonel. And basically I guess I am.
Now when I look at her, at my Sam, first I see the person I fell in love with, and the fact that she is my second in command comes only as an afterthought.
THE END!
i hope you liked it :)
Story Notes: AUTHORS NOTES: this isn't finished yet but I don't think it will be long.
FEEDBACK: study has proven that feedback is good for the soul :)
FEEDBACK: study has proven that feedback is good for the soul :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]