One moment. One single moment when everything changed. One decision. One second. An instant. She’d been creeping along behind me. I must have missed stepping on the mine by millimetres. I’d cleared the section of dense bush we were trekking through. I'd declared it safe. Me. My decision. I waved her through. The moment. The blast from the mine she had tripped sent her flying. I turned in time to see her body silhouetted against the fiery explosion. Angels fly, don’t they?
I watched her land heavily on her side and roll onto her back. They tell me now that what she was had gone at that moment. But it hadn’t. I know. I was at her side in a second. Her head and all down her left side was bleeding, her body was burned all over and most of one leg had disappeared. I took both her blackened hands gently in my own. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. But she did. She always did. Her lips were moving but no sound came out. I’m sure she was muttering about the pain and then in a second her blue eyes fluttered open. I thought I’d see pain. I thought I’d see fear. I thought I’d see the answer.
But all I saw was sadness.
"Who would have thought, eh Sir? That I’d be the first one to go." Then her eyes closed softly and a tear fell out, carving a white line down her face.
"Carter! Carter! Hold on, you’re going to make it!" I cried finally finding my voice. "Don’t give in, fight it!"
In the final seconds and with her last ounce of strength she opened her eyes again.
"Sir there was one thing. Something I always wanted you to know," she spoke sporadically through the pain.
"Major don’t talk this way… you’re going to be fine."
"Well, then, just in case… in different circumstances I think I would have acted on my feelings. But then in different circumstances, I may never have fallen in love with you, Jack." Then her eyes closed again and his head told him it was for the last time, but his heart pushed it away.
Daniel and Teal’c came crashing through the trees, all thought of sneaking up on the inhabitants of this planet were forgotten. Daniel rushed forward and looked her over, feeling sick at the sight of his friends’ mangled body.
"She’s unconscious but she’s still alive. We need to get her back to the SGC."
In one moment I had wrapped her in a blanket, picked her up and balanced her across my shoulders on top of my pack. Daniel ran ahead to activate the DHD and Teal’c placed his hand on Sam’s back to steady her. I was tired – so tired – we’d been creeping through the bush for hours, carefully - so carefully – but not carefully enough.
The Stargate loomed before me on the hill. As I approached it I stumbled forward and would have dropped her had Teal’c not steadied me quickly. But I could carry her no further and certainly not up that hill. I placed her gently on the ground after Teal’c had spread out another blanket. Daniel came racing back down the hill then wiping his face with his sleeve.
I think that’s when she left – I know that’s when. I’m sure I saw something pass over her. A shadow? A light? And it took something away from her pale face. In an instant she wasn’t there anymore.
I'm sure Daniel saw it, but to his credit he didn’t say anything. I bent over and stroked her face lightly with the back of my fingers. Teal’c picked up the two bottom corners of the blanket and handed one to Daniel. I took the two corners near her head. And together we carried her through the gate.
I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of the SGC members when we passed through the Stargate. Disbelief and realisation both showed in a single second. We carried her through to the infirmary and lay her on the nearest bed. After a moment Dr Fraser’s voice chilled my heart.
"She’s gone. There’s nothing I can do. I don’t think there’s anything any race could do."
I guess I’d already known but it’s different when someone confirms it.
I fell at her side then. I took her cool hand and pressed it against my burning cheek as if by some miracle I could pass my heat into her lifeless body.
"Goodbye Samantha," I whispered.
Winter seemed very cold that year. And for the first time the weather seemed to freeze my heart as well.
That was a year ago now. I will carry her death with me forever on my back and inside my heart. I locked her memory in there but sometimes, often when I least want it to, it trickles out and I have to excuse myself from a briefing. Sometimes when I walk alone through the corridors I think I hear her calling out to me but it is never her and will never be again.
Perhaps I didn’t kill her, but I didn’t save her either. In an instant she had left me and in that instant I realised how much of my heart I’d never allowed myself to use. And how much I would never use.
The End.
Copyright © 1999 Kate Davis
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]