I knew I shouldn't have said yes, hell it wasn't even a yes, it was a nod. I mean, we used to have something I thought. I guess this is just making it harder on me to do this. I thought he liked me. I really did. I mean, he talked to me of how he felt about this one special girl. I guess I thought he was talking about me. Boy was I stupid to think that for one moment he would see me that way. I told him to go for this girl if he thought it was going to work. Slap in the face. It was Sarah he was talking about. So why did I nod when he asked me to dance. I love him, that's why.
So now we are dancing. I am pressed to his body as he holds me close. He is holding me ever so tightly. It's my birthday and of course he brought Sarah. But why isn't he dancing with Sarah? He's dancing with me instead. Why is holding me tightly when he knows it hurts me deep inside. And yes he knows. Daniel told him. I heard them talking. I know how he said ""Oh, you have to be kidding me Daniel. I could never date Sam. It'd be too wierd. I love Sarah. I don't want to lose her just because Sam has a crush on me.""
I heard it all. Too bad he thinks it is just a crush. Too bad for me that is. I listen to the words.
"Love ridden, I've looked at you
with the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow.
And I wished for you."
He looks down at me trying to look into my eyes to know what I am thinking. I wont meet his eyes. I can't bear for him to see how much I am hurting right now. I just turn my head away as he whispers in my ear. "Sam... please..."
"Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed.
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the check from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave"
I wont answer. It hurts too much. He's not mine. I really am going to kill Daniel for putting this song on. So I just stay in Jack's arms for as long as I can knowing that I am hurting myself by doing this. He's leaving after this song. I know that for a fact.
"My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
and now I am giving up on you"
I'm crying now. I am giving up on him. Not wanting him to leave. Not wanting to let go. But I have to. He looks down at me and I try to control my crying. He holds me tighter and asks me quetly, "Why are you crying, Sam?"
He knows perfectly well why I am. He just wants to hear me say it. I wont say it. Not yet. It hurts too much.
"No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave"
He's looking at me waiting for me to answer and then I look him in the eyes. He knows why now. He looks at me in shock and then sadness. It's too late. I've waited too long to tell him. He's not mine. Never will be. We stop dancing then. Just staring into each others eyes as the final words of the song take over us.
"No, not "baby" anymore- if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while, we'll only have to wave"
The song ends and he looks into my eyes. He bends down slowly and it looks like he is going to kiss me. I close my eyes letting tears fall to the ground. He kisses me on the cheek. He whispers, "Happy Birthday Sam." and then he walks away. I open my eyes and I stand there as he takes Sarah's hand and kisses her gently and nods to the door. They leave.
It's over. Over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What am I doing? It's 2:24 a.m. she isn't going to be up. Even if she is up why would she want to talk to me. Hell, I hurt her. I know I hurt her. I saw it in her eyes and then it hit me. I love her. I love her and I hurt her. So what am I doing? I don't exactly know. Well, I am standing outside her door. Thinking about knocking. Thinking about what to say. How to say I am sorry. I knock once. I wait. The door opens and I hear her say, "I'll be fine Daniel, you don't have to keep checking up on-". She stops when she sees me. She's been crying and by the way it looks, she's been crying a lot. how could I make her cry? How could I do this to her? I try to find my voice. She just simply opens the door and doesn't say anything. She lets me in. Well that is a good sign isn't it? I mean, she at least let me in. I speak.
"Hi..." That's all I can think of to say.
She stands there for a second and then walks past me and sits down on her couch, not facing me and speaks coldly, "What do you want, sir?"
I look around her apartment. She hasn't cleaned up from the party. I can't blame her. She's been crying. I made her cry. "I just wanted to come by, talk. We have a mission in less than 24 hours and I didn't want you not talking to me on some planet for 7 days" where the hell did that come from, huh Jack? God, that came out really wrong.
"You don't have to worry about that sir. I'm not going," She answers quietly. My breath stops. What the hell is she talking about? She's running away! I'm not letting her. I love her.
"What do you mean you aren't going Sam?" I can't let her get away with this. I just realized I loved this woman and now she is running away. I don't think so. I run to her side on the couch and kneel before her. She looks at me like I am nuts... and stupid as hell. She wipes her newly fallen tears again.
"Stop it!" She says louder this time, "Stop it, stop playing dumb. Damn you, actually damn me! I mean, ugh! I can't believe you can just barge in here and think for one moment that I am mad at you and be worried that I wont talk to you on your stinking mission so you don't feel guilty for hurting me and making me cry! You are an asshole! I don't even know Why I am torturing myself like this. I mean you don't love me. Hell, why would you!? Look at me! I'm a mess," she then tries to stand up but I grab her hand in an attempt to keep her by me and to calm her down. She is shaking and crying even more now. I feel terrible... I found myself gripping her hands tighter. She starts to calm down and then she looks me in the eyes as tears fall and she breaks down. "Why did you ask me to dance?"
I stare at her. I want to tell her. I want to tell her so bad. I can't tell her. I can't tell her I love her and that she is all I think about. Even when I am with Sarah...I find myself wanting her. I want to hold her. Kiss her. love her. Touch her. feel her. Just be with her. I can't. Sarah thinks we are starting over. how can I do this to her. I love Sarah. I am just not in love with Sarah. I am in love with Sam though. I look at her and I begin to lose control and I let it out. "Because I am in love with you." She sits there. Starring at me. I continue, "And I am so sorry that I ever made you cry. Or hurt inside. Or even love me. I don't deserve you. I love you."
I let go of her hands and she sits there. Thinking. She looks at me. I look at her. And she bends down and kisses me. Barely at first and then comes into full contact with my lips. I press mine against hers and wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her into my lap on the ground as we continue the heated kiss. Our tongues fighting for control ands exploration. After a few minutes we break apart, looking at each other. She is crying still.
"I love you too. But you are with Sarah," That hits me hard. Sam attempts to stand up again. I hold her in my lap. I yell at her.
"Don't do this Sam!" I yelled it louder then I planned, because I have scared her now. She is really scared. Her eyes are wide and she looks like I just hit her. I hug her tightly then, "Oh god, Sam...I'm so sorry..." She is stiff and then relaxes in my embrace. We stay like this. Not letting go of each other. I vow to myself not to let her go tonight. It feels so right.
I speak again, whispering, "I'm leaving Sarah. I can't stand to not be with you Sam. When I am with you everything is right. That is why I asked you to dance. When you were making a wish on your birthday cake, I made a wish that I could have one dance with you and then you would fall deeply in love with me. I didn't know you already were." I hold her still and she stops crying. I love her and I've told her. It's up to her now. She yawns. "I should go..." I find myself saying. She looks at me and shakes her head no.
"Stay, don't leave me, please." I have never been so happy to hear her anyone say that. I nod and pick her up in my arms and take her to her bedroom. I set her down on the bed and pull the covers over her. I then climb in with her and hold her tightly. "Jack, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. And that I almost gave up on you."
"Same here Sam... same here. goodnight...i love you" and I here her whisper back. "I love you too" she closes her eyes. I keep mine open. Watching her. I wont sleep tonight. I can't. I have to make sure this isn't a dream. The woman I love is in my arms for the first time, not including our dance.
And for the first time in my life I know it isn't over. It's just beginning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The end! Hope you liked it! - Heidi
Love Ridden by Heidi
Story Notes: Authors notes: just read the story...
Feedback: sure... why not.
Song: "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple
Feedback: sure... why not.
Song: "Love Ridden" by Fiona Apple
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]