Major Samantha Carter
I am sat watching myself on the TV screen, except it's not me. It's another Samantha Carter from an alternate reality, which is why I'm sat staring at the screen in shock. She's me, but she's not. She has long hair for a start, she never joined the military - I wonder what else is different.
My eyes open even wider as I spot a *big* difference. She just said 'for crying out loud'. I glance at Jack and he's turned around to look at me. I break the eye contact first and return to looking at the screen. She's just uttered the four words that Jack always uses. How long has she known her Jack to have picked up his mannerisms?
The General announces that we're going to debrief with this other me and Kawalsky. I'm going to meet this other me. She's so different to me, I can see that simply from her standing in front of me. She's lived through a Goa'uld attack, one that we stopped a year ago. I can tell by her first words to me that she does not like me. How can you not get on with yourself?
We start a discussion about the differences between our realities and I accidentally sort of blame her. I didn't mean to. I was just pointing out the differences and it came out as me saying maybe because I was military it changed everything else. We start having an argument because of what I said and Jack stops us, surprisingly when Jack upsets her she reacts differently. Jack says something about evil twins and Sam looks at him, hurt in her eyes. It's as if Jack's opinion means a lot to her and mine means nothing to her. It just shows how much alike we are - Jack's opinion means a lot to me as well, that's what happens when you find yourself in love with... Could that be her reason for being so upset? Because she loved her Jack and he's dead.
Well that'll just complicate everything, especially seeing as she's just asked if she can stay here.
*****
Well, I just told Kawalsky that he can stay and I'm on my way to tell me. This is totally weird. This alternate me is allowed to live here on Earth. There's going to be two of me and I'll no longer be unique. Is she going to want to butt into my family, my life, my friends, my Jack? I'd guess from her reaction earlier and the fact that she is me that she loves Jack too. The only problem there is it wouldn't be against regulations for them.
I am getting way too far ahead of myself - I haven't even told her yet and I don't know how she feels for Jack. Speak of the devil, Jack's just stopped me in the corridor.
He says that I should wait until tomorrow to see my 'twin'. He's already been to see her then. I can't believe this - I'm getting jealous of myself. Then he totally surprises me by asking if I want to talk about it. I joke that it'd take too long, but he still wants to talk. He nods and looks confused when I tell him that was my answer and I walk off. As I walk along the corridor I mentally kick myself for saying 'no'. Why couldn't I have said yes? Would it have been that hard?
*****
SG-1 and the General are sat in the briefing room discussing a plan to get Kawalsky and the other me back to their reality, or more importantly how to get rid of the invading Goa'uld. They can't stay in this reality, or the other me can't anyway. She's suffering from entropic cascade failure and she'll die if we both stay in the same reality too long.
Kawalsky walks in and says he'll help us because the other me is his best friend's wife. His best friend is Jack. Jack's wife is... me? I misheard, right? I look up at Jack in the hope to see the surprise mirrored on his face, but he looks down at the table and shrugs apologetically. He knew! He knew that the other me was married to the other him and he wasn't going to tell me. He let me find out here and now, in front of everyone else. How could he do that? Didn't he know how embarassing that would be? Is that why he's been spending so much time with her?
And he doesn't help his own case when he tells me to meet him and myself in the lab. I mean, he could have sent any airman to get the other me, but he's going himself. I don't know why because he's never really been one to sit around in the lab. Why is he staying so close to her? I guess she has suffered a terrible loss, but... why is he choosing to help her when in all of the times I've been hurt he never offered a shoulder to cry on?
I'm his junior officer, that's why. There are regulations in the way stopping *us* from ever being anything more than friends, but it doesn't stop *them* being whatever they want. I should have seen this earlier. I should have known that we're together in every reality *but* this one. I just wish it could be different.
*****
I have been stood in front of this mirror for, God knows how long. I said good bye to myself just before I watched all of the people I care for most disappear into an alternate reality over-run by Goa'uld. I'd started to get on with the other me by the time that she left. I guess we found some common ground - science and secretly our love for Jack. She must have felt so angry that she could never have her Jack by her side again and that she may not get her world back either. And while she was homeless and mourning, I was here yet to even discover Jack in that way. It must have been frustrating for her to know that I had everything to make me happy, but that I wasn't. And I'm not. Sure, I have friends and family, a safe world and a great job, but I don't have Jack. Her Jack was taken from her so quickly how would I feel if mine was taken from me that quickly?
I'd hate myself and I'd blame myself. I'd hate the fact that I could have told him how I felt, but that it was too late. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of want and desire. I want to tell him everything. I have to admit how I feel. I have to before it's too late, before I forget all that I've just realised and push it to the back of my mind. I have to.
The mirror clears and I can see all the others waiting on the other side. They're all okay. Jack's okay and my agonizingly long wait will soon be over. Soon Jack will be back in this reality and safe and soon I'll tell him what I've been thinking and feeling for over a year now.
I brace myself for the moment that will soon come as Daniel and Teal'c return. I greet them back briefly, but then return my gaze to Jack and myself. And then they kiss. Jack kisses the other me.
I look down at the floor in disbelief that he's kissing me, but it's not. It's not me. *Why* is he kissing her though? Were all my suspicions about the time they spent together true? My eyes flick to the side, not staying on one thing too long before embarrassingly shifting. And then I look back at them.
Irrationally all I want to do is run from the room in tears, but I stay where I am. No point in causing a scene. I don't want Colonel O'Neill asking me any personal questions. There's no way I'm telling him what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm not even sure myself: embarassment, confusion, anger, hurt, betrayal... the list goes on.
And another thing, I decide as he returns to our reality, there is no way I'm telling him what I've felt for over a year. How can I tell him now?
He walks out of the room and I watch him. So what if I'm deluding myself? I can't keep all of these feelings to myself anymore.
I run out the room in an attempt to catch up with him.
*********************************************************
Colonel Jack O'Neill
I leave the room, Sam's the only one in there now. I've just come back from the alternate reality and I've just kissed Sam, well not my Sam. I don't really know why I did it and I don't know why I did it with my Sam watching. All I do know is that the past few days have got me so confused.
First I find out that this alternate Sam was married to the alternate me. That in itself was weird. She was mourning for her husband and I was the only one she thought could comfort her. So I did. It'd been uncomfortable - I'm not good at sorting out my own feelings let alone trying to help someone else with their's. Then I became almost protective of her. I sat in the lab with them for a while. I told myself that it was to stop any of their arguments, but really it was because I didn't want to let her out of my sight for too long.
Then there was everything that happened in the other reality. It started with Kawalsky's little talk to me. My only excuse as to why Sam and I had never had anything was because it was against regulations. I didn't even say that because I don't exactly always follow regulations. He'd continued talking and I'd angrily told him to shut up. I didn't need him telling me what I already knew. I didn't need him reminding me what a fool I am and always will be.
And then there was the realisation that the two Sams' are quite different. Not only the hair and rank thing, but also the alternate Sam freely displays emotion. When Hammond was brought back from the dead she ran over to him and kissed him on the cheek. Is that what my Sam would be like if she didn't have the military eye continually watching her?
Then we're back to the question of: why did I kiss her? And I still don't know. Call it part comfort, part mistaken identity, part want, part whatever you want but I did it and there's no taking it back.
Through all of the confusion one thing did become clear. I don't want Sam, my Sam, to ever be hurt the way the other Sam was. I also don't want my Sam to go as quickly as the other Sam had been abandoned. I don't want my Sam to die, or leave, or whatever, without knowing how I feel for her.
I stop in my tracks and turn back to the room I just left. I have to tell her.
I have to. I turn and...
She's stood right in front of me. It's now or never.
******************************************************
End
Story Notes: Thoughts - Comments: Thanks to Wendy G for suggesting an episode and causing me to reorganise the whole story :> I apologise in advance to anyone who disagrees with the way in which I have interpreted the episodes you're welcome to tell me what you thought, but no flames please. Also thanks to the Sam and Jack list because it's their dicussions that make me watch episodes in so much detail . And to Dustdevil for beta-ing this and encouraging me to continue :-) Hope you enjoy it.
Copyright (c) Elise Hudson, January 2000
Copyright (c) Elise Hudson, January 2000
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]