Healing Wounds
***
By the time the first orange streaks crept in the cloudless sky and the sun started its descent behind Cheyenne Mountain, the crowd had thinned considerably, leaving an open sight on crumpled plastic plates and various kinds of chips scattered on the floor.
Sam had abandoned her place on the couch and was now busy shaking hands and accepting condolences, acknowledging the words with a nod and lingering with the colleagues that were closer to her and her dad.
Jack alternated himself between her side and the front door to where he escorted the leaving guests, complying to the last of his host duties.
When Teal'c and Daniel began to clean up at a leisurely pace, the last cluster of beer-drinking SFs took the hint and made their goodbyes, leaving the house plunged into an uncomfortable silence.
They looked at each other awkwardly, Daniel clearing his throat as he resumed his job of collecting empty bottles.
Teal'c's eyes bore intensely into Sam's, telling her she couldn't keep her head hidden under the sand forever. As thankful as she was to have the Jaffa's solid presence at her side, she found this particular attitude remarkably annoying when directed towards her.
Mostly because she knew he was right. Had he thought she still needed time, he wouldn't have looked at her like that.
The muffled creaking of Jack's shoes stopped a few steps behind her, and a soft shiver ran up her spine, raising goose bumps on the back of her neck.
She was trapped.
Cornered.
Her heart rate increased sensibly as she gulped a mouthful of air.
She felt more crowded now that she had before, with the house full of strangers staring at her as if she was a country fair phenomenon.
So much had happened in the past few weeks that she felt her body and mind had been drained of all energies, like after an adrenaline rush; an adrenaline rush aftermath that had been lasting since the day her father died.
"I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back." She blurted out the first excuse she could think of and disappeared into the corridor, followed by four pairs of concerned eyes.
Sam walked past the bathroom door without slowing her pace, halting only at the feet of the staircase. She placed a tentative foot on the first wooden step, searching the emptiness inside her for a direction, or something to tell her she hadn't reached a dead end.
She turned her head for a moment, looking where the light and the voices came from, and then proceeded into the dark and the silence.
**
She used to find comfort in the darkness of her room as a girl, after her mother's death. She would spend hours, even in the middle of the day, with blinds closed and plugs in her ears, bathing in her loneliness.
Her books lay scattered on the floor, their pages bent at awkward angles after she had thrown them violently against the wall. No one ever heard the thuds, or saw the tears. Mark was locked in his own room, nursing his pain, and dad was always away for work.
After a while the rage subsided and she would pick them up, one by one, and straighten the crumpled pages tenderly, running her fingers over the smooth texture of white paper.
Sometimes she had even wished she didn't love books and knowledge so much. She did have a few friends, outsiders like her. Invisible to everyone else but themselves.
She wasn't unhappy, but sometimes her bad moods got the better of her.
As a teenager, acceptance was more important than she'll ever admit.
She didn't want to remember. Too tall, too skinny, too smart. No guy in his right mind would have asked her out on a real date.
Her father was way cooler than she was. But she would make Air Force, too. Astronauts were military. She'll make them see what she was able to.
**
She reached the top of the stairs without tripping and walked slowly to the other staircase, the smaller one that led to the roof and to the stars. She emerged in time to see the last sunrays shine in the sky and disappear to the other side of the world, leaving the stage to a half-moon and millions of shimmering lights.
Her eyes followed Daniel's shadow as he left the house to empty a bag of assorted debris into the waste can. He didn't notice his silent observer as he neatly folded the plastic bag and hurried back in. Sam smiled. It was good to know you had someone to wait for you outside the darkness.
If she thought about it, she had it all. A job that went beyond her wildest dreams, and colleagues that were family to her.
But there was something she was missing, and she made the mistake of sacrificing her feelings in order to have it soon and safe. And instead of cherishing what she already had she ended up royally screwing everything up.
With Pete and her friends.
Especially the General.
Sam didn't know whether they could ever understand her actions.
After all, they had all had a chance at a normal life. They knew what it felt like, coming home to a warm house and to your beloved ones.
She was never a woman for children, but the thought of the telltale house with a white picket fence and flowers on the window sills did have a certain appeal to her.
Until it threatened to became true, that is.
As the indefinite images started to take concrete shapes and colors she found herself backing away from them, and taking refuge in older, more faded memories and fantasies. Those that made her heart beat faster, like just minutes earlier on the back porch when he'd touched her arm.
Sam sighed.
You could escape from yourself only for so long.
A soft thump relieved her from her self-psychoanalyzing session. "Jack." The whispered name left her lips and lost itself in the summer breeze.
She had known it was him the moment she heard the creak of his boots on the stairs.
Eight years in the field had enhanced her senses so much she had learned to recognize her teammates' step on almost every terrain.
Jack's were quite, discreet, slightly dragged when he was off-duty, to relieve his knees of the long work hours.
She didn't turn even when he stepped on the small balcony that hosted his telescope, currently oriented towards the Orion belt. His eyes bore into her from behind and she tried rather unsuccessfully to prevent a shiver from running up her spine and into her neck.
She was shivering a lot around him lately.
"So that's where you were." Jack's voice was low, quiet, as if not to wake a sleeping baby.
"I needed some fresh air." She tilted her head upwards, towards the sky.
He nodded, then remembering she couldn't see him, he took another step towards her. Sam reflexively squared her shoulders and slightly parted her legs in a defensive stance.
"I'm going to invade your personal space a lot more than that." He warned, and this time the voice came from directly behind her.
Sam ignored him and leaned against the edge to look at the stars above.
"It's beautiful from up here."
"Yes. It is. Carter." His small talk patience was already gone. ".you don't have to be alone tonight. George and Teal'c are staying here anyway, and there's enough food and room for you and Daniel, too. We could do some sort of pajama..uh.wake?"
Sam's head dropped with a small snort, but Jack didn't know whether it was from amusement or derision at his lame attempt at humor.
"Thank you for the offer Sir, but I think I'll just let Daniel drive me home. I'm.pretty tired."
It was his turn to suppress a snort. Sam Carter was the worst liar he'd ever come across, except maybe his own son.
"'T's okay, don't worry."
Silence fell around them, filled with unanswered questions. Jack cleared his throat.
"Doesn't it take away the wonder? Reducing stars to binary code, I mean."
"No. In fact, it enhances the feeling. Minuscule particles, barely differing from one another. combining together to form all the range of shapes in the universe. It's.so powerful.so vast I can't even start to think about it."
She straightened and twisted her upper torso in the dim light to shoot a questioning look at Jack.
"Don't look at me like that. Colorado Spring's already too vast for my brain."
The right corner of Sam's mouth quirked upwards unconvincingly for a moment before she let her head drop as if it had suddenly become too heavy for her to hold straight.
"What will happen now?" She took a deep breath.
"I'm not sure I can do it all over again. The pretending, that is." Jack knew this was a big risk he was taking, but he needed to come out clean. Needed to know if things between them were still the same or were irreparably ruined.
Sam spun on her heels, turning to face him completely. "If you still feel.uh.that way, that is." Jack's brow furrowed as he watched Sam shift her weight from a foot to another.
"Well.I guess.I guess I still do. I would have gone all the way with Pete otherwise."
Jack nodded, his face expressionless and his heart soaring.
"It's time to sit down and have a serious conversation. This is something we have procrastinated for far too long."
He cocked his head to take a better look at the blushing Sam. The lost expression in her blue eyes reflected his own feelings. Once they reached a decision, there would be no turning back.
"I don't want to lock everything into another room."
"And I don't want it either." He closed the gap between them with a swift step and gently slid his hand up her forearm, his thumb rubbing gently in circles.
"Listen, the guys and I are going to spend our week off up in Minnesota. It won't be the romantic honeymoon you had planned, but I'd be happy if you decided to come along. It'll give us the time to have.that chat."
Sam moistened her lips. She couldn't remember the last time she'd received an invitation to his fishing cabin. Several years ago, before the proverbial white elephant stomped his way into the SGC.
"Yes, it would be nice. I'd finally get to see your shelter in a." She cleared her throat. ".Safe environment."
"We'll find a way to make it work. We always do. We're SG1...we don't know what impossible means."
She let herself be pulled into his arms with a tired sigh. Jack loosened his hold on her a few moments later, laughter dancing in his eyes.
"Will we have a dog?" Sam's eyes went heavenwards for a moment, and a half-smirk found its way to her wary face.
"I'll think about it." His head hung submissively in mock resignation as Sam returned to her previous occupation of stargazing with a much lighter heart.
"Jack?" His ears prickled and his stomach clenched deliciously at the sound of his name rolling off her tongue.
"Yes?"
"No poodles."
The end
Story Notes: Archive SJD, yes.
#1: This is a companion piece to Open wounds, also posted here. Sorry if it took so long to write but RL and fandoms have been hectic.
#2: Many thanks and a hug to Michelle and Erin for betaing it for me! You girls rock!
desperate_Vale@hotmail.com
#1: This is a companion piece to Open wounds, also posted here. Sorry if it took so long to write but RL and fandoms have been hectic.
#2: Many thanks and a hug to Michelle and Erin for betaing it for me! You girls rock!
desperate_Vale@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]