*****
God, she hated this. Ever since the session when she had been placed under hypnosis and remembered that they had left Daniel. The feelings of panic and fear had consumed her. Until the Colonel had taken her into his arms and comforted her. She had known in that instance that they would find Daniel, that they would all make it back, no matter what. She also admitted, although only to herself since no one else could presumably hear inside her head, that she had felt such intense emotion at being held by her CO that day. She tried to convince herself that it was the situation, that it was an effect of the hypnosis, but it was more than that. So much more. And those emotions were the indirect reason, she suspected, that her nightmares wouldn't stop. Not one night of uninterrupted sleep since he had returned from "paradise." She was irritable, having a hard time focusing, losing weight (the straw that finally forced Janet into telling her she *had* to see Mackenzie) and distracted. In her line of work, being distracted could be the split second between life and death. She mentally shook herself and sat straighter in the chair. What was keeping him anyway?
As if sensing her growing discomfort, the good doctor opened the door from his office to the waiting room, and motioned for her to follow him back inside. She did, blowing out a breath as she crossed the threshold, immediately getting angry with herself that it had come to this. To seeing a shrink. There wasn't anything wrong with her head. It was her heart that was all screwed up. There wasn't a doctor that could fix that, was there?
"So, Major, it's always nice to see you."
"Thank you, Doctor." She couldn't honestly say `likewise' so she thought it best to keep it short and to the point.
"What brings you to see me today?"
"I'm sure Dr. Fraiser has expressed her concern that I haven't been sleeping well."
"Ah, yes, I do remember reading that in her report." He glanced through the file on top of the table next to the armchair he settled in. "Nightmares, wasn't that it?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to start by telling me about them?"
//No, I would like to start by shoving that file up you're a-//
"Major? Still with me?"
"Yes, Doctor, I'm here." //And so thrilled to be, too//
"You were going to describe the nightmares that are keeping you awake."
"Actually, there's just one."
"The same dream?"
"Yes."
"Every night?"
"Yes."
"For how long?"
"About six weeks."
"I see." He looked at her and waited.
She knew in order to get out of there and return to gate travel, she was going to have to spill it. All of it. Damn, she *really* hated this. "It's always the same." She sighed, her whole body sinking into the cushions of the chair, realizing that the moment of truth was here. She had to describe, in detail, the dream that was terrorizing her. Her worst fear exposed:
"It starts just like it actually happened. We had found out where Colonel O'Neill was being held. By Ba'al. And we sent a message to Yu." She met his confused gaze and quickly explained, not wanting to give him a chance to interrupt, "*Lord* Yu, so that he would attack Ba'al's fortress."
He waited for what seemed much longer than the three minutes it actually was for her to continue, but she seemed stuck in her own memories, and so he prompted her with a bit of knowledge that he had from seeing another patient about that particular experience, "That's what gave Colonel O'Neill the chance to escape."
If she was surprised that he knew that information, it didn't show, but rather it seemed to urge her on, "Yes, that's what actually happened. But that's not what comes next in my dream." Her eyes focused on something outside the window, and she started talking again, her words measured with pain- that much was obvious even to the most casual of observers. And Dr. Mackenzie was anything but that. "In my dream, Colonel O'Neill stays."
"Because the attack by Lord Yu didn't work?"
"No." She didn't offer any further explanation, but just continued, "Anyhow, SG-1 goes to get him."
"Colonel O'Neill."
"Yes."
"In Ba'al's fortress?"
"Yes."
"You all just walk in the front door and ask to see your CO?"
Her eyes darted to his- was he trying to be funny? She gave a small snort anyway, it was the kind of thing the Colonel would say, "Kind of. I mean, we did have the floor plans to the place. It's not like we didn't know where we were going."
"Right, sorry. Continue."
"Anyway, we get there, and Colonel O'Neill is in one of the chamber rooms. He looks happy to be there. Not being tortured or repeatedly killed and brought back to life. Just *there*."
"And then?"
"And then we tell him that he can go. That Yu has disabled the force field, and we can leave."
"And so you all go?"
"No."
"No?"
"No. We keep asking him, *pleading* with him to hurry and leave with us before Ba'al comes back, but he won't budge."
"What happens next?"
"Teal'c and Jonas leave."
"The fortress or the planet?"
"I don't know. They're not in the rest of the dream."
That is apparently significant enough to make note of as the heretofore-quiet pencil suddenly makes several hard and fast strokes against the yellow legal pad sitting on Dr. Mackenzie's lap. She watches him write for a few seconds and then carries on, "So, it's just me and Colonel O'Neill, and I'm trying to explain to him again why he has to come home, but he's not really listening, you know?"
Boy, did he ever. The Colonel could tune out with the best of them.
"And then all of a sudden, he looks at me, and I can see him so clearly, standing right in front of me, and I can hear his voice like he's talking into my ear."
"What does he say, Major?" He could see her face contorting and wincing, the torture of having to repeat a private conversation- even though it really only happened in a dream- to a man, who was for all intents and purposes, a stranger.
"He tells me that he's already doing what I asked him to do." Her eyes fall down to the folded hands in her lap. "I asked him to take the symbiote, and that's why he's there to begin with."
"Because you asked him to." More writing on the page.
"Yes." She swallowed hard and then continued with the resolve of a four-star general, "And then I tell him that I didn't know that this would happen-that Kanan would make him go after Shalan."
Ah, that name rang a bell. He remembered from his sessions with Colonel O'Neill during his withdrawal from the sarcophagus that Shalan was the woman that Kanan loved. The reason the Colonel was forced to go to Ba'al's. This was an interesting development. He had assumed this was a classic case of Major Carter feeling guilty. It happened with a lot of 2IC's when their CO's were hurt, or god forbid, died. They felt the burden more than other team members. But if this was just guilt about a fellow teammate, even her CO, there would have been more of Teal'c and Jonas in the dream. Probably Hammond, too. But with the mention of Shalan, things took on a new perspective.
"He told me that it was too late. That it had taken us too long to find him, and that he was happy there now."
"He didn't *want* to go back with you."
"No."
"Even though he could."
She just nodded.
"Then what?"
"Then Shalan walks into the room."
He could see the conflict within her. She was determined to say everything, but there was something, hidden so deeply inside herself, that it was tearing her apart to speak it aloud. And at last, she could only whisper it, "Only as she's walking toward him, it isn't really her anymore. She's… she's…. someone else. And then he embraces her."
"Who is it?" He instinctively knows that whoever it is, it hurts the woman sitting across from him a great deal to say her name, to witness her CO with this woman even in a dream. He begins to suspect that the rumors he's heard over the years about the Colonel and the Major are founded in at least a little truth.
"This woman from a mission three years ago."
"Tell me about it."
"SG-1 had gone there in search of naquadah, and while we were there, there was a meteor storm. Teal'c, Daniel and I made it back through the gate with several of their people, but Colonel O'Neill didn't."
Wait a minute, he had heard about this. Or rather heard about the way Major Carter had built this *thing* that brought Colonel O'Neill ho- *OH!* The proverbial light bulb went on. "But he made it back eventually."
"Three months later."
"That's a long time."
Her head snapped up, "It was the best I could do."
"No one is suggesting otherwise, Major. In fact, if I recall correctly, that you were able to do it at all was nothing short of a minor miracle.'
She shrugged- the energy to stay defensive or angry was too much of a drain.
"I'm sure he was glad to see you all, to be going home after such a long time."
She turned her head back toward the window, "Not exactly."
The voice of a woman who felt betrayed. He had heard it a few times coming out of different patients in that chair. But never did he expect it from her. My god, she loved him. Did she even know it?
"He had made a life for himself there. He didn't expect to be coming back."
"Just like in the dream."
Her eyes bored into his. "Yes." She lifted her chin and finished, "Then I wake up."
"And you can't go back to sleep."
"Sometimes I can, but not usually, no."
"Major, can you tell me when *exactly* you started having this dream? I understand that Colonel O'Neill has been back on earth for months now."
"Except for when he wasn't." The light was beginning to shine in her direction, too. She was making the connection.
"I don't understand."
"Colonel O'Neill was stranded on a planet- a moon, actually- for about a month. He returned-"
"About six weeks ago?"
"Yeah."
"Was he with someone on that planet?"
She smiled, the first real one since she had walked in the door. "Yes, he was. Colonel Maybourne."
Even Mackenzie cracked a grin at that, "I'm not sure which to feel more sorry for."
"They each gave as good as they got, apparently."
"I'm not surprised." More writing, then some erasing, then writing again. "But you were."
"Excuse me?"
He lifted his head and caught her gaze, "Surprised. You were surprised."
"At what?"
"That Colonel O'Neill wanted to come home. That there wasn't anything, or anyone, keeping him there."
"No, not really."
"Okay, not surprised then. Maybe relieved?"
Had she been? Of course she had. She read and re-read his report from that mission looking for anything, anyone, that he had come in contact with that would make him consider going back. Leaving SG- 1. Leaving her. She had laughed out loud when she finally believed it had only been him and Maybourne. Some paradise. "Yes, relieved."
"And so the dream means… what…do you think?"
"You're getting paid by the hour, you tell me."
"How old are you, Sam?"
"Thirty-four, as you know."
"You've accomplished quite a lot for a woman your age."
"I guess."
"A Major in the Air Force. A Ph.D. in … what is it again?"
"Theoretical Astrophysics."
"Right. All of that at 34."
"I've tried to stay focused on what I want."
"And now that you've got it?"
`Now that I've got it… *what*?"
"Exactly."
Huh? "Huh?"
"Now that you've got everything you've worked for, everything you've ever dreamed of, and more I suspect, now what?"
She stared back with an empty look. What in the hell did this have to do with her dream?
"Is this all there is to Major Samantha Carter, Ph.D.? Her job, her degrees and her nightmare. Is that it?"
"NO!" She was furious. On her feet and striding over to the window. The anger spewed forth, "How dare you-"
"How dare I what, Major? Point out the fact that you've spent every day of the past *six* years working. Have you even been on a date in all of that time?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" Her eyes watched the traffic in the street below.
"It has everything to do with your dream. And that *is* why you're here, isn't it?"
"You're trying to tell me that I'm dreaming about my Commanding Officer getting trapped on a planet because I haven't gotten laid in a few years?"
"Not trapped, Major. In your dream, he *chooses* to stay. To leave the SGC, his team, his friends, you. He makes a home for himself somewhere else- somewhere that you blame yourself for making him go and then for not reaching him soon enough." He saw the tears in her eyes reflected in the window.
"What do you want me to say?" She sniffled and tried to stop the tears from flowing.
"What do you want to tell me?"
"Whatever will let me get the hell out of here and back to work."
"I'm afraid I can't do that just yet, Major."
"Of course you can't." She leaned her forehead against the cool glass.
"Our time is almost up, so why don't we schedule another session for-"
"You're wrong."
He didn't miss a beat, "About what?"
"About me having everything I want."
"I said that you had everything you worked for."
"Ah." She turned around and leaned her back against the window, "Then I guess you're right, after all. I've been working very hard *not* to have the one thing I want most, and I still don't."
"So…"
"So."
"You're afraid that the next time something happens, he won't come back, is that it?"
"The whole time he was with Maybourne, I just kept praying that it wouldn't take as long as before. That he would actually *want* to come home." And then in a voice so soft that had he breathed he wouldn't have heard, " I was afraid that he would give up on us."
Mackenzie was a smart enough man to figure out that the *us* she had just referred to didn't really mean SG-1. He was also smart enough to see that she had reached the conclusion she was meant to. The one that would make the dream stop. What she did with it beyond this office was entirely up to her. "I tell you what. Why don't we see how it goes for awhile- see if the dream comes back. And if it does, we'll schedule another session."
"And if it doesn't, you'll tell Janet I'm clear for gate travel?"
"As soon as she thinks you're physically ready."
"Thank you." She began gathering her things in preparation to leave.
He wrote a few final notes on the pad, and showed her to the door, "Like I said, Major, it's always a pleasure to see you."
She hesitated only for a few second before walking out toward the waiting room, "Likewise, Doctor."
*****
Don't forget to write- lisayaeger@hotmail.com
Story Notes: E-mail: lisayaeger@hotmail.com
Season/sequel: This happens in season 6 after PL
Spoilers: Major ones for 100 Days, Abyss, Frozen, Paradise Lost, Fire and Water
Archive: SJD & whoever wants to- I'd be flattered!
Status: Complete
Feedback: Welcomed!
Date: 14-3-2003
Season/sequel: This happens in season 6 after PL
Spoilers: Major ones for 100 Days, Abyss, Frozen, Paradise Lost, Fire and Water
Archive: SJD & whoever wants to- I'd be flattered!
Status: Complete
Feedback: Welcomed!
Date: 14-3-2003
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]