"She did what?" O'Neill asked tersely, his foul mood escalating by the second.
"She said she was going to go home, Jack." Daniel enunciated each word carefully and Jack unconsciously gritted his teeth against the slightly patronizing tone in the other man's voice.
"Her home isn't fit to live in," Jack countered, knowing that the decontamination team had only left earlier that day.
"And whose fault is that, Jack?" Daniel countered.
O'Neill felt himself flush slightly at the mild reproach in the other man's voice. "Daniel, if you're suggesting I'm responsible for what happened to Carter.." Before he could finish his sentence, Daniel interrupted.
"We're all responsible for what happened to Sam. You, me, even Teal'c." Daniel gestured towards the Jaffa, who stood silently by by the door to Daniel's office.
Jack winced inwardly, rubbing his forehead. God, he could feel the headache starting. "Daniel," he muttered, wanting desperately to deny the other man's words but unable to do so, as unfortunately they were all true.
"Daniel Jackson is indeed correct, O'Neill. We should have taken better care of Major Carter."
"Carter can take care of herself, Teal'c," Jack snapped back.
"Yeah, right, Jack. It sure looks like the Air Force and NID believe that!" Daniel's sarcastic tone wasn't lost on O'Neill.
"She'll be fine, she always is," Jack muttered, not sure if he was trying to reassure himself or his teammates. Of course she'd be fine, he rationalized and added out loud, "If we just leave her alone..."
"That strategy did not succeed the last time, O'Neill," Teal'c interjected, his deep voice carrying just the barest hint of accusation. Great, Jack thought sourly, now Teal'c blamed him too!
"We need to make this right, Jack."
O'Neill looked at Daniel's somber face and reluctantly acknowledged the other man was right-or at least half-right. He-Jack O'Neill-needed to make it right with his major. "No, Daniel," Jack finally admitted. "I need to make it right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was such a bad idea for so many reasons, Jack thought silently as he parked his truck in front of Carter's trashed house. The light from a nearby street lamp illuminated the house where yellow 'Police Line-Do Not Cross' tape still criss-crossed the battered-in front door and windows, the loose ends flapping in the breeze. It was late-there should have been some lights on-but Jack couldn't see any sign of life in the dark house. If Sam's car hadn't been there, he would have just driven on; as it was he was sorely tempted to do just that and avoid what he knew would be a very uncomfortable experience. They-he and Carter-didn't talk about their feelings. 'They' had chosen to ignore them and he thought it had been working out fairly well, until two weeks ago, until their mission to Velona when Orlin had stolen into her life-and almost stolen her from him.
Deep inside, Jack held himself fully responsible for what had happened to Sam. If he hadn't been so determined to maintain a safe distance between them then maybe he would have seen-before it was too late-that she had no one else to turn to but him for help. And, instead of responding to her pleas for help, he had taken the easy way out and brushed her off. Hell, trying to ignore his feelings for her had succeeded all to well, he had shoved her out of his life to the point where the only 'relationship' they had was one bound by their self-imposed 'treat each other as total strangers' rule. Realizing he wasn't accomplishing a thing towards his goal of talking some sense into Sam about staying in her obviously unsafe house, and maybe even trying to apologize for his behavior, Jack gathered up his courage and jumped out of the truck and strode up the walk to her door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam heard him before she saw him-or let him see her. She was perversely glad and annoyed that he had come to her house...her cute little house that would probably never be the same again. She wondered if he had come to apologize and if he had, what would she do? Throw it back in his face? He had all but thrown her to the NID-when in her eyes he should have been protecting her. They were a team! Even if they couldn't be anything else to each other, she had at least thought they were still teammates....
"Carter?" His voice echoed from the front door and she heard his cautious footsteps in the hallway. Sam remained where she was, sitting on the floor in the dark in her destroyed bedroom, leaning back against the edge of her ruined bed and waited for him to find her. She followed his progress by listening to his heavy footsteps and the ever-increasing annoyance in his voice as he called her name.
"Carter, for crying out loud! Where are you?" It wouldn't be long; it sounded like he was at the beginning of the short hall that led to her bedroom. His figure suddenly appeared in the door and she heard him fumble for the light switch.
Sam blinked furiously as the light flared on and stared up at the shocked look on his face from where she sat on the floor. She wasn't sure why he looked so surprised. He'd seen the rest of her house. The NID boys had done a very thorough job of searching her house before leaving. Her bedroom was no different. Drawers were open, clothing scattered all over the place; the bedclothes flung off the bed and the mattress ripped open. His stunned expression soon gave way to one of anger as his eyes finally found hers and he stepped into the room. "Dammit, Carter, I'm getting you out of here."
She bristled at his abrupt command, where the hell did he get off ordering her about in her own home? It was certainly a bit too late for him to take an interest in what had occurred. "Get out of my house," she countered, her voice low and harsh.
"What?" He looked momentarily confused, but that didn't stop him for long. "Come on, you can't stay here." O'Neill was suddenly standing right over her, so that she was effectively trapped between him and the bed. She didn't even have any time to react before he reached down abruptly and grabbed her under her arms, hauling her to her feet. He jerked her by the elbow, muttering, "Come on."
It was all suddenly too much for Sam. O'Neill's gruff approach and treatment on top of the humiliation she'd already suffered at everyone's hands pushed her over the edge. And she-Sam Carter, who never lost her cool-lost it all with her CO. "Let the hell go of me!" she practically shouted at him, tugging her arm free from his grasp.
"Sam, what the..." he growled. Sam tried to move away from him as he grabbed at her arm again, but she only succeeded in getting her feet tangled up in the shredded sheet hanging on the floor and almost falling. Struggling to keep her balance, Sam staggered against O'Neill and felt his arms clutching at her as he tried to steady her. She kept trying to get away from him but found herself with her back up against the wall-literally and figuratively, still held captive by his strong hands on her shoulders. All her anger and frustration suddenly welled up beyond her control and she lashed out at him.
"Just let the hell go of me! I don't want anyone's help and I especially don't want yours! Just go back to leaving me the hell alone!" Now that she had started, she found she couldn't stop, all the pent-up emotion of the last forty-eight hours boiling to the surface. "You're a little too late with your help anyway. Where were you two weeks ago when I asked for your help? I'll tell you! Too busy trying to escape from me so you could take a leak! So thanks-I really do not need your help!"
Jack's hands had tightened almost painfully on her shoulders during her tirade and when he shook her slightly, she totally lost it. Sam started hitting him on the chest. "Just let me go!" She started to sob, "Just go away and let me go!" She kept trying to hit him, while O'Neill kept trying to evade her attack. Jack finally captured both her wrists and forced her up against the wall with his body, pinning her arms at her sides. She continued to struggle impotently against him, which only caused him to lean more of his weight onto her.
"Carter, for god's sake! Stop it!" he growled in her ear. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
She went limp then, letting her head fall back against the wall. All the anger that had fueled her outburst suddenly draining out of her. Tears started rolling down her face as she looked at the very pissed off face of the man whom she thought she could trust with her life...and her heart. "You didn't believe me," she whispered brokenly.
A pained look crossed his face, but quickly disappeared again behind his annoyed visage. "You know we had to..."
She interrupted him, "No!" Her voice broke again; "You didn't trust me." This wasn't about the others; this was about him-and her.
Through her tears she saw the sudden comprehension as her simple statement finally got through to him. "God, Sam," he murmured and releasing her wrist, pulled her into his arms where she wept until she couldn't cry anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack glanced briefly at the silent woman sitting next to him. This had to rank right up there as the second worst idea he'd ever had-the worst one being the initial trip to her home...and now this one, taking her to his place. He was concerned and confused by Sam's behavior. He could understand her anger, but her withdrawn silence worried him. After her initial outburst and crying session in his arms, she had turned into someone he didn't recognize. Docile and compliant; she had let him take her out of the ruined bedroom and not wanting to take her back to the base, he had hustled her into his truck. He had buckled her into the seat, as if she were a child and she remained quiet for the entire fifteen-minute drive to his house. Pulling into the drive, he shut off the engine and turning towards his silent companion, unfastened her seatbelt.
"Come on, Sam," he urged her, and she turned to look at him, her face pale, drawn and totally expressionless. Her drew in a quick breath when he saw her empty blue eyes flick briefly at him before she looked away and she nodded, obediently scooting across the seat, following him out the driver's side door. Jack took her hand; not sure if he needed to keep her from running from him or to reassure himself that she was actually with him-at least physically. Slipping his hand out of hers when they reached the door, he felt no small amount of relief when she moved closer to him. He opened the door and stepped back, urging her in with a hand placed gently in the small of her back. Following her, he quickly switched on a light, throwing his jacket onto a chair as she walked hesitantly into the room.
Okay, she was here, so what the hell should he do now? She looked exhausted; her eyes red and tired. Jack glanced quickly at his watch, 2240. He'd show her to the guestroom and then maybe in the morning they could actually talk. Jack sighed, he wasn't really sure that was the best option, but Sam didn't seem to be in any condition to talk right now. And maybe in the morning, he could go back to thinking of her as Carter instead of Sam.
"Come on, Carter." He gestured for her to follow him and she obediently complied. Leading the way down the hall to where the bedrooms were located, Jack opened a closed door and flicked on the overhead light. The guestroom was nothing fancy, but at least it had the prerequisite bed. Sam followed him into the room and stood listlessly by the bed while he rummaged in the dresser drawers. He finally found what he was looking for, a suitable T-shirt and handed it to her. "The bathroom is the door directly across the hall." She nodded. "Okay then," he backed out of the room, trying to ignore the small voice that was telling him to do something more. "See you in the morning." And he made his escape, closing the door behind him.
Jack stood outside her door, undecided as to if he was doing the right thing-whatever the right thing was in a situation like this. He sighed heavily, hell, what a mess. Finally deciding his best option was to go to bed too, he took one last look at the closed door of the guestroom before heading to his bedroom. Stripping down quickly, Jack pulled on a clean pair of boxers and a T-shirt. He went about the usual bed time rituals, washing his face, brushing his teeth-his reflection in the mirror silently mocking him. He had sure made a hell of a mess in making it 'right' with Sam. It didn't seem like he'd done anything except piss her off and then cause her to withdraw into herself. Jack frowned at his reflection, he hoped the whole situation would look better in the light of day.
Jack walked back into the bedroom and stopped in shock when he saw Sam standing by his bed. She had changed into the T-shirt he'd given her; her hair slightly mussed, the soft cotton of the shirt clinging delicately to her every curve and her long, bare legs appearing endless from where the T-shirt ended mid-thigh. He swallowed, hard.
"Jack...?" Only his name, softly voiced in a tone that held both question and longing, her eyes pleading for tenderness.
"What do you want, Sam?" he growled, finally finding his voice.
"I..." her hands fluttered in a helpless gesture, "just don't want to be alone."
He looked at her carefully and didn't see anything except fatigue and sadness in her forlorn blue eyes. Okay, he told himself, he could do not being alone. He nodded, and a look of relief flashed across her face as she immediately slipped into his bed, scooting herself over until she practically hugged the far edge of the bed. She looked even paler and more fragile as she lay against the dark blue sheets, pulling the duvet right up to under her chin.
Fool, Jack thought fatalistically, as he shut out the light and crawled into bed with her. He turned on his side, with his back to her and tried to ignore her presence. He had almost succeeded in blocking out the sound of her soft breathing when he felt the mattress dip and heard the rustling of the sheets and then her warm body pressed up against his back. He held himself perfectly still, barely even daring to breathe as her arm curled tentatively around him, her breasts rubbing against his back and her bare legs tangling innocently with his. Sighing, Jack felt her relax against him, her breath warm on his nape as he made to move to rebuff her. Jack closed his eyes, wearily blocking out the voice still calling him all kinds of fool, determined to instead offer her what little comfort her could.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam drifted in that timeless world between sleeping and waking. She'd been dreaming about her mother...she hadn't dreamt about her in years. Sam played the dream back, wistfully hoping to capture it before it faded completely away. She'd been in her teenage bedroom at their last house in Virginia, only she wasn't fourteen...
"Don't be angry with him, Samantha."
"Mom!" Sam jumped off the bed hugging her mother tightly. Her mother started stroking her hair.
"Life's too short, Sam." Her mother pulled back slightly and caressed her cheek. The blue eyes so like her daughter's sparkling brightly. "You should know that by now, honey,"
"Mom...it's complicated," Sam explained, just the slightest hint of complaint in her voice.
Her mother laughed, "Oh, Sam!" Hugging her tightly, her mother whispered in her ear, "Only because you complicate it. Sometimes you have to listen to your heart and not your head."
"Mom," Sam groaned at the greeting card response.
"Oh honey," her Mom laughed again, kissing her cheek. "Humor me and keep it simple, sweetheart."
Sam let her mother's final words roll around in her brain, "Keep it simple, sweetheart." Could it really be simple, like her dream implied? Had both she and Jack been too busy making their relationship complicated? She sighed, snuggling deeper into the covers and Jack's strong arms. She wasn't really angry any more, she felt warm and more content than she'd felt in a very long time. It was hard to stay mad at him-in her current position-she acknowledged wryly. Oh, she knew where exactly she was-and being held tight in Jack O'Neill's arms was more dangerous to her than Orlin or the NID had ever been.
But, she didn't care right now, Sam decided, as she wriggled experimentally in his embrace. Sometime during the night they had both turned and Jack now lay spooned up against her back. His hair roughened thighs and legs pressed warmly against her, cradled against his strong chest and held securely in place with his arms and a hand resting low on her belly. And even though her subconscious mind had already decided to forgive Jack, she was still hurt and just a little angry by his recent behavior. He had to have suspected something about what was going on with the NID and her 'alien', yet he had done nothing to warn her until it was too late.
But what about Jack? If Sam was going to be totally honest here, she wasn't the only wounded party in this whole bizarre scenario. She hadn't trusted Jack either...she could have been more persistent. But you didn't want to, did you? Her conscience reminded her. After you got used to the idea, you liked having the undivided attention of a sensitive, sweet man...who made you candle light dinners and gave you great 'mind-sex'. Your own little pet alien/man that was your little secret. She suddenly remembered the day Jack and Teal'c had come over with pizza and a movie...she had been so focused on her infatuation with Orlin and keeping him to herself that she hadn't been able to get rid of them fast enough. Her mind's eye conjured up the image of Jack's confused look when he had realized she didn't want to let them in...his half-hearted "good for you" when he'd worked out the reason for her reluctance.
Sam's racing thoughts were interrupted when she felt Jack's muscles tense and his arm tightened briefly around her. He groaned softly and she felt his nose and lips nuzzling into her neck. "Jack," she murmured, biting back a soft moan as he moved his hips against her bottom.
"Hmmm...?"
"We need to talk."
She shivered when his husky voice sounded right in her ear as he asked, "About what?"
"About us," Sam replied more firmly than she actually felt, reluctantly pulling out of his embrace and sitting up. As much as she wanted to lose herself in the pleasure his touch promised, sex wouldn't solve any of the issues between them. She didn't fuss however, when he let his hand rest on her thigh, as she turned to face him. Her breath caught in her chest as she caught her first glimpse of him; he looked so unbearably handsome and approachable, his brown eyes still drowsy and his expression unguarded, that she felt her resolve start to waver. But the current intimacy they shared would be fleeting if they didn't at least attempt to discuss some of the issues that had led to her breakdown the previous evening.
Sam took a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts. Keep it simple, she heard her mother's voice gently remind her. "I'm still upset, Jack." Sam laughed ruefully, "Calmer, but still upset." She locked her eyes on his, trying to convey the emotion behind the words. "For over four years I've counted on you-and Daniel and Teal'c-to watch my back." She felt his hand tighten on her thigh, though his face remained calm. "And then, I don't know what happened!" She realized her voice was rising, but couldn't seem to control the surge of feelings that raced through her. "All I know was that my team deserted me and left me to fend for myself in a situation where I couldn't tell the good guys from the bad guys."
"Sam, neither of us can undo what happened," Jack commented quietly. His firm tone and serious eyes telling her that he held her equally responsible.
She sighed deeply and looked away from his intense gaze for a moment, trying to organize her thoughts. Looking down at her tightly clenched hands Sam started to speak somewhat hesitantly. "I know I wasn't exactly being honest with you..."
Jack snorted, "That's an understatement."
Sam looked at him, her eyes flashing with anger until she saw the hurt lurking in his deep brown eyes. "I...don't know if I can explain it."
"Try," he commanded softly.
"It was...it was nice." She smiled wryly at his raised eyebrow as she tried to explain. "It was nice having someone to come home to...eat dinner with...spend time with."
"He was an alien, Sam."
"Don't you think I knew that?" she snapped at him, then forced herself to take a deep breath before she continued. "I just wanted to have the things everyone else has...even if it was only make-believe."
"Did you sleep with him?"
Hell, he wasn't pulling any punches, was he? She gazed intently at him as she answered emphatically. "No, there was never anything physical between us..."
His hand resting on her thigh suddenly tightened and then seemed to deliberately relax before Jack replied, "I sense a 'but' there." His expression remained calm, but Sam could almost see the tension vibrating through him.
"There was this one time when he...when we...shared this mental link thing...." Her voice trailed off, for some reason she found herself reluctant to share the details of that experience with Jack, not sure if he would understand or if she could even begin to explain.
"So, he was a great mind fuck?"
"God! I knew you wouldn't understand!" All her pent-up anger and frustration with the past situation and Jack O'Neill suddenly resurfaced with his crude comment and Sam suddenly scrambled out from under the covers and Jack's restraining hand on her thigh, intent on escape. Unfortunately, she wasn't fast enough and before she could even make it out of the bed, Jack launched himself at her, grabbing her ankle and hauling her back down onto the mattress. She felt a strong sense of déjà vu as she once more struggled against his superior strength before he managed to overpower her, this time pinning her beneath him on the bed.
"Trying to run away again?" he panted. She growled in frustration and started twisting beneath him, trying to throw him off but only succeeded in forcing him to let more of his weight press down on her, effectively stilling her movements. She glared impotently up at him.
"So, help me understand, Sam," he spat out between clenched teeth. "'Cause I sure as hell don't understand why you'd want to settle for some kind of platonic psychic relationship with some alien when you could have the real thing with me."
Sam stared up at Jack's face in shock, his expression as startled as hers, as if he had suddenly realized what he'd said. She let herself relax beneath his hard body and she looked at him in wonder as she softly asked, "Do you really mean that?"
"Yeah, I guess I do."
"But what about, you know, our decision to leave it in the room?"
"I think it's time we re-evaluated that particular decision. Things change."
"Some things haven't changed, Jack," she reminded him, thinking of their military rank and regulations.
"No, you're right," he agreed, his eyes solemn. "Before all this..." he grimaced, "business with Orlin, I thought I could live with things the way they were between us. As long as you weren't involved with anyone else, I could talk myself into believing that what we were doing was the right thing. And then he came along...and god help me, I found I couldn't deal with it." He shrugged, his expression turning somewhat embarrassed. "I was jealous and then I was hurt that you didn't trust me enough-not just as your CO but as your friend, to help you."
Sam was rendered practically speechless at his confession. In all her wildest dreams she'd never imagined she'd be in this particular situation with Jack O'Neill. His bare bones honesty deserved the same from her. "I love you and from the first moment I met you, I've never wanted anyone but you." She saw his eyes flare with subdued passion, and quickly continued before he could speak again. "I was infatuated with Orlin and I let that infatuation influence my actions and decisions. Not that that excuses what happened with the NID or the device on Velona. We both made mistakes, Jack." She paused and waited anxiously until he nodded in apparent agreement. "I don't what this to happen again."
"So, what do you suggest?"
She knew he was leaving whatever happened between them next totally in her hands. God knows, whatever they decided wouldn't be easy, but maybe it could be simple. She could get up and leave his bed right now and they could both try to forget this night and the previous evening had ever happened. Of course, she had to acknowledge, she wouldn't have come to his room last night if she had really wanted to keep with the status quo.
Her lips curved into a soft smile as she made her decision. She gently pulled one of her hands free from his now-loose grip and reached up to tenderly caress his cheek. "I want it all." She smiled crookedly as his eyes widened and then narrowed, his expression expectant. "I know it won't be easy, but I also think it might not be as complicated as we imagine. And if the last year has show me anything, it's that denying how we feel hasn't been a cakewalk either." She smiled as he chuckled at her comparison.
"You're ready to have your cake and eat it too?" he finally asked, his tone teasing though his eyes remained serious.
Sam smiled sweetly in response, raising her head off the pillow and brushing his lips with hers. "Yeahsureyoubetcha'."
THE END
scorkill@earthlink.net
Story Notes: Email: scorkill@earthlink.net
Season/Sequel info: Fifth; Prequel to 'Tender Loving Care'
Spoilers: Ascension, Divide and Conquer
Archive: Heliopolis, SJRA, SJAdult
Feedback: Cheerfully accepted.
Author's notes: Ever since Ascension aired, I've wanted to write a tag for it. While writing 'Tender Loving Care', I finally found the approach I wanted. Thank you to Ann, for your support, encouragement and dare I say, nagging? As always, my heart-felt thanks to Wendy for her good-natured tolerance when it comes to beta-reading these stories for me-and putting up with all my wild suggestions.
Copyright © M. Susan Corkill, March 2002
Season/Sequel info: Fifth; Prequel to 'Tender Loving Care'
Spoilers: Ascension, Divide and Conquer
Archive: Heliopolis, SJRA, SJAdult
Feedback: Cheerfully accepted.
Author's notes: Ever since Ascension aired, I've wanted to write a tag for it. While writing 'Tender Loving Care', I finally found the approach I wanted. Thank you to Ann, for your support, encouragement and dare I say, nagging? As always, my heart-felt thanks to Wendy for her good-natured tolerance when it comes to beta-reading these stories for me-and putting up with all my wild suggestions.
Copyright © M. Susan Corkill, March 2002
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]