Pandora's Box
*************
As I hang here, on this cold, stone wall, I have only one regret about dying today.
I never told her, Samantha Carter, how I felt.
We each had our suspicions and our fantasies, but neither of us could ever take the final step and admit aloud just how much we cared. How we would have done anything for the other. Lived, died…anything.
It would have meant the end of our careers and so much more. We could never do it, because we could never predict the outcome of our confession.
I always wondered, of course. So many different possibilities running through my mind. Each time I nearly told, a bad scenario would run through my head, and I just couldn't face the possibility that maybe she didn't reciprocate my feelings. Maybe she'd hate me for opening our Pandora's box.
Call me weak if you must. But I believe I was right to never tell her, and now, of course, it doesn't matter anymore.
**********
Guilt…
**********
I wonder, how will she react to my death? With relief that she doesn't have to live a lie anymore? Or indifference? Am I just another commanding officer to her? Maybe, like me, she'll regret never telling.
But maybe…she'll feel guilt. Guilt that she couldn't save me. That she had to live, while I died. Maybe…she'll be like me, after I lost Charlie.
That's what I fear the most. That she'll withdraw into herself. Just stop caring, like I did.
I don't want that to happen. She deserves to live. My life doesn't matter. I'm old, decrepit. She has most of her life ahead of her. Young, vibrant…beautiful. She has such a passion for life. I love her too much to want her to waste away because of me.
**********
Old Age…
**********
Heavy booted footsteps drift into my hearing range. It's time. Time to die.
I imagine her face as they undo the chains holding me to the wall, and drag me along for what seems like an eternity until we reach a cliff top, overlooking an ocean.
A crowd of people part, to let them drag me through to a clear space, where a man dressed in white awaits.
The two men who have half dragged and half carried me, drop me in front of the man before melting into the crowd. I look up at my soon-to-be killer, and see a kindly face, lined with age, with a shock of silver hair framing it. His eyes are holding me captive with a knowing gaze. Blue eyes, clear, yet with murky depths at the same time.
**********
Sin…
**********
Something about him makes me want to tell him everything. All my sins, my transgressions.
My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. He nods though, and I get the feeling that he knows what I want to say. That I'm sorry. That I want so much to live my life again, fixing all my mistakes.
He keeps looking at me, but addresses the crowd in a slow, soft voice.
"This man has committed wrongs." He pauses for maximum effect. "But we, the people of Lashet'a, forgive him!" The crowd remains deadly silent.
"He knows of his wrongs, and wants to right them, yet he does not know how!" He turns to the crowd now. "We can give him retribution!" His voice starts getting louder.
"We can help him become at peace with the world!" The crowd gazes at the man expectantly.
"In sacrificing him, we will help him become one with Lashet'a! He will be forgiven by the Cosmic All and his life will be integrated into the Cosmic All!" I continue staring up at him, held captive in some kind of trance. I know, somewhere deep inside of me, that he's talking about my death…but it doesn't seem to matter anymore.
"He will be reborn to the Cosmic All!" the crowd yells. The man waits until they have quieted again, before he reaches into his white robes and pulls out a knife.
**********
Death…
**********
It has a beautiful pearled handle and a shining sliver blade. As the silver glints in the sun, something inside me wakes up and screams: "You IDIOT! He's about to kill you!" But I can't move an inch.
The knife begins its descent to my heart.
Goodbye Sam. I love you.
Story Notes: E-MAIL: yuna_ezri@yahoo.com
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, SJA, My site
SEASON: None
SPOILERS: None
AUTHOR'S NOTES: OK, this is just really weird, but Kat (my wonderful beta) and Bryn assure me it makes sense and is actually good, so here you have it. Kat got sick of my CDs and like Linz has started to write happy sequels to my fics, so that'll be out as soon as I get it betaed. As always, feedback is muchly appreciated so please send some!
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, SJA, My site
SEASON: None
SPOILERS: None
AUTHOR'S NOTES: OK, this is just really weird, but Kat (my wonderful beta) and Bryn assure me it makes sense and is actually good, so here you have it. Kat got sick of my CDs and like Linz has started to write happy sequels to my fics, so that'll be out as soon as I get it betaed. As always, feedback is muchly appreciated so please send some!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]