The only sound in the room is the rhythmical tapping of my pen against the edge of my desk as I wait for a meeting I'd really rather not be having. I stare at the bare patch of desk in front of me and tap that pen, not moving or making any indication that I've heard the knocking at my door. The knocks sounds again, a little louder this time, and I sigh, push some papers around on my desk and look up.
"Come"
The door opens and Major Carter steps in, curiosity written all over her face, and maybe a hint of worry. Normally when I need to speak to her I just go to her lab, knowing that's where she always is, but this isn't the kind of conversation I can have where someone could walk in. So today it's my little office on the twenty-sixth sub-level. I even drew the blinds at my window, and as she stands there, she gets more and more nervous as I scrutinise her.
"You wanted to see me Colonel?" Silence broken I look down at my desk again, and wave a hand at her informally.
"Pull up a pew Carter" She does as she's told, relaxing a little at my apparent nonchalant mood, but still holding her back and shoulders almost painfully straight. Straight to it then if that's how you want it. "I've just got done going over team and personnel reviews with ol' doc Frasier, and she's flagged up a few people who she's a little concerned about medically. One of those people was you Carter"
I reach for my in-tray, and pull a sheet of paper in front of me, linger over it, then slowly lift my head to meet her eyes. To say she looks annoyed is an understatement. Her mouth is pressed shut, eyes flashing, daring me to accuse her of something. Well I'm not here to accuse her, that's not what this is about. The fact is I'll be calling in all the people on my list in due course. She just happens to be the first.
"What...what did Doctor Frasier say?" She carefully controls her voice, but her hands are clasped so tightly in her lap I know she's fighting the impulse to call me up on some macho male bullshit. C'mon Carter, you know me better than that.
"She told me, and I quote Carter, that she's not concerned about any one thing in particular, more your overall health"
Silence. She nods once, not in agreement, but in acceptance. She knows better than to argue with me on what I've been told.
"So...do you have any idea why Frasier thinks this?" I ask, tipping back in my chair, and her shoulders hunch defensively. "Carter, this isn't a test, I'm not giving you a dressing down here, I just want to know if there's something wrong"
More silence.
"Is there?"
"No sir. There's nothing you need to know about"
"Okaaay, so there's nothing I need to *know* about. Is there anything you'd like to tell me? I mean, I'm not here to put notes on your record Carter. I'd like to think I'm your friend as well, and as such if there's anything bothering you..."
"Nothing's bothering me sir, it's just...I've had rather a lot on my plate recently that's all"
"You wanna elaborate? I'm not trynna pry or anything, I just want to understand"
"It's nothing to concern you sir, I'm just having a few problems with my apartment and some bills, that's all. It's all rather gotten on top of me, nothing I can't handle"
"Yeah it is difficult Carter. Being off-world so often, sometimes not knowing when you're gonna get back if at all. You're not the only one to get a red bill or have a few house plants die on you"
"I know sir, normally I'm really on top of things, I have standing orders set up for those sort of things, but I made a bit of a mistake with my finances recently, and I'm a bit behind on some payments" She wriggles uncomfortably in her chair, and I can tell this is one admission she'd rather not have to make. Carter, make a mistake with her finances? Behind on payments? This is not the Carter I know. The Carter I know starts on her tax returns the day after she hands this year in. The Carter I know doesn't find herself in money trouble.
"So what happened?" I abandon all the trappings of the CO, and lean on one arm of my chair, going for the friendly approach.
"I...I just made some unfortunate choices. I'd been meaning to find something a little long term to place some money into, maybe make a little more on my savings, only I happened to pick the wrong time to do it. We were off-world a lot, staying there longer than planned, and everything seemed to go wrong in my apartment at once. I had wiring problems, my TV broke down, and that was only the start"
She sighs and pushes some stray hair out of her face, then smiles a little ruefully. It looks like my 2IC has never found herself in money trouble before. Not like me. I shake my head and motion for her to go on, and she leans back a little in her chair.
"After one...mission...I came back home to find pipes had burst and almost flushed out two whole rooms, ruining most of the electric's. I still need to pay for that and all of my savings are tied up, and I can't get access to any money for at least another four months. I...I think I've screwed up sir"
She smiles on her last words, but doesn't look happy. Neither am I. Her pipes burst? Her apartment damn near ruined? When the hell did this happen, and more importantly, why didn't I know anything about it?
"When was this Carter?" I ask, and she winces a little, obviously dreading this little topic.
"A month ago sir. When I was...possessed by that entity"
Oh.
Then.
So not only did I *kill* her then, I also ruined half her apartment. Great. Way to go Jack. She covers the awkward silence by filling it with words, trying to make things better and failing. Oh boy does she fail.
"Daniel recommended a plumber, but he couldn't come out quick enough, plus I couldn't pay him cash. I had to borrow a little money from Daniel but most of his is tied up as well and...well..."
I slump back in my chair and twirl my pen while she watches. She had hardware problems, she had plumbing problems and she called Daniel? *Daniel?* Not that I expect her to come running to me but this is the first of me hearing about it for crying out loud! I think all these thoughts, they swirl around in my head but all I do is nod in what I hope is a sympathetic way.
"To cut a long story short sir...I have money trouble" She sits with her hands in her lap, shoulders hunched forward, and I find I have to stem an incredible urge to gather her up into my arms. Thank God there's a desk between us.
I can't believe she never told me.
Carter and I, we have a very...complicated relationship to say the least, but I always thought she knew I was there for her, if she ever needed me. Not that I expect her to get on the phone or come round at the slightest problem, but her apartment was almost ruined and she could be in serious financial trouble and I'm the last to know? The man she, and I quote, 'Doesn 't think she could live without?' You're not telling me that in the months since the zatarc testing that she's changed her mind on that little admission, and I know for a fact she couldn't have been lying. I mean even if she doesn't ever want something to happen between us, we're good friends aren't we? Close friends? Well...maybe not. We don't really talk anymore, and we certainly don't spend any time together alone. She always sees to that. As soon as we find ourselves alone she finds some way to remedy that situation. I...I'm beginning to wonder if she's trying to let me down gradually.
Jack O'Neill, I think its time for your wakeup call.
She doesn't want me.
I've been basing my own well-being and happiness over the last few months and maybe longer on the fact that this incredible woman was maybe, just a little bit, falling in love with me...and...she's not is she? I try not to bite my lip, try not to give any sign of the way it feels like the bottom of my world has fallen out. I feel my stomach drop away like I'm in freefall, and in some way I am. The problem is I'm concentrating so hard on appearing normal, that my mouth betrays me.
"Why didn't you call me?"
She looks up, eyes wide, obviously surprised at the sad note in my voice. That's right Jack, why not act the victim here? She'll appreciate that.
"I..." She stutters, mouth moving, nothing cohesive coming out. God she doesn't even have an answer for that does she? I drop the pen I'm clutching onto the desk and slump back in my chair, pressing my fingers against my closed eyelids.
"Jeez Carter, I swore that this...whatever it is between us, wouldn't get in the way of the team, or our friendship. Obviously you see things differently"
"Sir...its not that..." I don't even give her time to struggle to find an answer before I snap at her, fists clenched, and she looks at me as if I've just insulted her.
"Or should I be saying whatever it *was* between us. Would that be more accurate?"
"Sir, that has *nothing* to do with this"
"Doesn't it? Then why, and no offence to Daniel, didn't you call me when you had a plumbing problem? Why didn't you come to me when Daniel couldn't loan you money? And last of all, why haven't I even *heard* about any of this a month after the event? Not that I feel you should tell me everything about your life, but I thought as friends..."
She sits and fumes, saying nothing.
"Are we not even friends? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"
There's a pause, and when she finally drags her eyes up to meet mine she looks hurt.
"Of course we are"
I sigh and lean on the desk, both hands in my hair and palms pressing against my temples.
"I'd believe you Carter if I didn't feel that admission was like getting blood from a stone"
"I did want to call you sir, I just...I just felt it was inappropriate"
"Why? Jeez Carter I would only have tried to fix your plumbing. Or is it just that we might have been alone together in a room? Even that seems impossible with you lately"
"Please sir..."
"Carter, much as I'd like to leave it 'in the room'...well...okay...that's a blatant lie..." She blanches at that admission, face tightening, but I continue on nonetheless. Might as well get all the truths on the table if we're gonna fix our...friendship "...We are going to have to do something about the way things stand"
"Sir, please, my health has nothing to do with this..."
"Well maybe not Carter, but the fact is mine does"
"Sir?" I take a deep breath as she looks at me, confused. I shuffle the papers in my hand and pull one to the top, grinding my teeth as I look at the name at the top and the brief summation of their health. Better just tell her Jack.
"Carter...When I told you Frasier was worried about several people I lied. In actual fact she only flagged up two people she was concerned about. One was you, the other was me"
**************************************
"You sir?" Now she just looks shocked.
"Yeah. Physically I'm fine, even for my incredibly advanced years. Apparently it's my mental health she's worried about"
"Mental health?"
"Yeah. Apparently she's...worried about me. She didn't or couldn't give me any specifics, only told me that I'm stressed, and full of guilt or something"
"Guilt?"
"Yeah...that whole...killing you thing apparently..."
"Oh...that"
"Yeah. Looks like that little episode screwed us both up" Her eyes dart away at that, yeah Carter, you just haven't been quite comfortable around me since then have you? And me...well I see your pale brain-dead face in my dreams at night, and sometimes I wake screaming that I'm sorry. But even baring some of my soul as I am here, I'm not telling you that. Ever. Keep talking Jack.
"She's even threatened to bring ol' doc MacKenzie down on me unless I make an effort to sort out some of my problems"
She meets my eyes warily, unsure, and I sigh. I don't want to admit this either Carter, but this conversation has only made me realise how right Janet is.
"Is there...something specific Janet has identified as the cause?" Oh you know there is Sam, you damn well know it.
"Yeah ah...she thinks...she thinks my ah...troubled...relationship with you is the cause" She nods, her eyes dropping to her clasped hands as she whispers.
"She said that?"
"Not in so many words. I don't think she wanted to say it, otherwise she might have to report it, but she made it pretty clear"
"Is...she right?"
"Ah Carter, you know I don't hold with this psychological mumbo jumbo..."
"Sir..."
"Sam..." That makes her looks up. I use her name so little it always gives it an edge, catches her full attention, and I really need that now. I lean forward on the desk, bringing my eyes level with her own.
"I'm having enough trouble with the way things are between us without you pushing me even further away. If there's something you need to tell me, say to me, then I'd rather you came out and did it rather than be afraid to be in a room with me. What the hell do you think I'm gonna do? Don't you trust me to abide by what we agreed?"
"Its...its not you I don't trust" She mumbles, and when she looks up, she looks so like a little lost child that my arm twitches on the desk, the effort to not stroke her cheek almost overwhelming me. It's not me she doesn't trust? Huh? I'm not getting you Carter...She sees my confusion and smiles a little, shaking her head.
"I'm talking about me sir"
Oh. *Oh*
"Well...that is a problem Carter. Cause all it would take for me to do something would be for you to let me"
The stark horror and fear that cross her face is palpable. It's the first time I've really admitted this to myself, and I never thought I'd be telling her just how little it would take for me to be willing to fuck up my life...for her...just for her. So what if I *did* do something...would she let me? And would I ever be able to stop if she did? Oh God...I think I've just found a loophole in our best intentions. A thousand emotion pass across her face, twisting it one way then the other as she battles against that truth in her mind, trying to deny it. My arm twitches again by my side, and this time I free it, let it go, and my hand jumps across the table and covers one of hers. I gather her fingers in mine and feel hers tighten, just barely, pausing there in that shared warmth, that first real touch of reigned-in affection, before she yanks it away and tucks under her opposite arm.
"That's the very reason why I try and stay away! That's...that's why I didn't call you about my flat sir...that's why I never came to you for help"
"And that's why I'm all fucked up Carter"
Stalemate. She's suffering because she feels that she can't call on and rely on me like she should, maybe even like she wants, even as a friend, and I'm suffering because she won't even treat me like a friend.
"What do we do?" She asks, rubbing her temples as I did before. Good question Carter, damn good question.
"Let me at least help you. Let me loan you money for your flat. I can do that can't I? You can pay me back when you get your money out"
"I...Thanks sir, I really appreciate it"
"Well it's lucky one of us still lives in the dark ages and keeps his money under his mattress huh?"
That gets a laugh. A strained laugh topped with haunted eyes, but a laugh nonetheless. What the fuck *do* we do? Knowing it might just take me to make the first move for us to...start this relationship proper makes me feel all restless and on fire inside. I've had enough trouble fighting my instincts over this and now she tells me if I just let go...
"Sir. I have to ask you not to...not to..."
I drop my head and close my eyes. I know it's wrong, I know it is...but...but I want...
"Sir I don't want to be anything other than friends with you. I don't want to have a relationship with you. It just isn't feasible, or possible. It's not what I want"
I find myself holding my breath, waiting for her to add 'at the moment' or 'while were both in SG-1' but it never comes. It never comes. Looks like my feelings of earlier were right. She's not falling in love with me. She's not. She's attracted to me, that much is true, but there's nothing else. Oh God there's nothing else. What am I going to do? I drop my head into my hands, elbows sliding apart on the table. I cover my eyes with my fingers, digging them in. There's another reason why I've been 'keeping it in the room'. If we never had this conversation, if we never got this far then I would never have to find out that she didn't really love me. Never have to suffer her gently letting me down.
"Sir?"
I can't look at her. I can't see that face, that concerned pitying face she gives to Simmons when she talks nicely to him, puts up with his pathetic advances and gently diverts him so she won't have to tell him outright she's really not interested, that she doesn't love him and never, ever will. You don't have to say it Sam, I don't want to hear you tell me I'm a great guy, really, and that I'd be a great catch for someone. Damn I was never interested in even having or considering seeking a relationship at all with anyone until I met you! It's all your fault! God...Janet was right...I do have a problem. I had just intended to get her to trust me again, talk to me again and I thought I'd be back on track, happy enough with waiting, waiting for us to happen one day...and now?
"Sir...please..." I look up sharply hearing the pain in her voice to find her eyes looking distinctly wet. Yeah well I'm upset too, angry and upset.
"Whatever you say Sam. Would you like me to perhaps avert my eyes when you pass in the corridor too?"
"Why are you making this so difficult?"
"Because Doc Frasier says she'll recommend I undergo therapy if I don't sort something out with you! Jeez Sam I'm not asking for you to...look, admitting things doesn't mean we have to go down that path, not yet, but neither should it mean we become uncomfortable with each other. We both know what's at stake here, saving the planet and all that, but if we don't come to some sort of understanding this will eventually affect our teamwork. I don't need to tell you just how many times we've escaped by the skin of our teeth, and the more our...relationship...degrades, the more we're just asking for it"
I have to gulp down a huge, deep breath and clutch my hands together. That might well have been the biggest speech I've ever given, and judging by the way Sam's bottom jaw hangs loose she thinks so too. She nods once, sharply, then looks around the room, no doubt searching for inspiration.
"Aren't friends better than nothing?" I ask, and she nods again. Does that...does that mean she *does* want more? I...God Jack, would you be having this talk if she didn't? I've never felt so confused in one conversation before. Hell, I've never felt so confused *ever*.
"But it's so hard" She whispers, drawing me from my thoughts.
"I know, believe me I know. Look, much as I want to...Sam, you've asked me to behave myself and I will, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop wanting you, or...having feelings for you. I can't promise that I'm never gonna act inappropriately, but..." She's watching me, watching my face, her big eyes pleading with me, begging me, and I falter. She asked me and how can I refuse? How can I?
"But...I promise I won't step over that line between us. I promise you Sam" My voice trails off on a whisper as I once more throw the future, *our* future into the hands of fate. Nothing resolved, nothing decided, back to stalemate. But as she smiles at me, with something deep hidden in her eyes, making a promise of her own, I feel a smile on my own lips. At least it's now an easier stalemate. At least now we can maybe be...friends. Never easy friends, but anything is better than the tension and resentment we have right now.
"So"
"So"
"Cheque or cash?"
"Sir?"
"The money Carter, remember?"
"Oh...ah...a cheque please"
"No problem. And how about the boys and me come round some night to drink beer and help you clear up?"
"The boys?" She asks, amused, and I roll my eyes.
"Yeah well, Daniel, Teal'c and I make a mean DIY team"
"Sir, that would be great"
Yeah. Wouldn't it. Safety in numbers, but it's that or nothing. I smile encouragingly and tap the notes in front of me, then make a big show of scoring out her name.
"Well, I think I can safely take you off my little list here Carter, yes?"
Our eyes meet. Her's look panicked for the briefest of moments, then they clear, and she replies with a firm yes, hoping that's the right answer. I grin and shuffle the papers to one side, and sensing the meeting is over she gets to her feet. I smile at her and pull another pile of notes to the fore, but she pauses, one hand on the door handle.
"What about you sir?"
"Huh?"
She bites her lip, then nods at my desk.
"Are you taking yourself off that list?"
Good point. Very good point. Am I? I look at the list, look at my own name that I printed ever so carefully in tidy block capitals, cursing over every letter. I stare at it, stare at that black ink, those thick definite lines as I make my decision. Snapping my head up I pick my pen off the desk with a flourish, and sweep the paper in front of me. I draw a long, slow line through my name, then replace the paper in my Out-tray, meeting her glance with a smile. She brightens considerably, flashes me a quick grin, and leaves, closing the door gently behind her.
The inside of my door holds my attention for a while as I do nothing but breathe. I wait, until I'm sure she is long gone, no doubt on her way back to her lab, then I pull the list back in front of me, and drag my pen back over it. My pen hovers for a moment, arguing with me, then I take control and slowly and carefully, re-write my name under the first. I add an exaggerated period, then deliberately place the sheet into my pending tray.
Yeah...pending, that's me.
Half my life is in the damn pending tray, and it looks like it's gonna stay that way.
Pending...
**************************************
THE END
**************************************
Story Notes: dustdevil@btinternet.com
WARNINGS: Language
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer, Entity.
WARNINGS: Language
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.
FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
SPOILERS: Divide and Conquer, Entity.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]